07x06 - The Gazebo

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart
and a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪

Well, according to this article,
the first year of marriage

is the toughest
and the key to survival

is keeping the lines
of communication open.

We communicate, don’t we, Larry?

Larry?

I’m sorry.
Did you say something?

‐Larry!
‐Kidding. Kidding.

Just kidding.

Everyone, big news!

Listen, I was just over at
the Finleys looking at the city

that Mr. Finley made
out of popsicle sticks.

It’s Pittsburgh even though
my first guess was St. Louis.

But then I saw that
it didn’t have a big arch.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

Mr. Finley told me
the most amazing news.

Come on, we gotta go over there.
You gotta come and see this.

‐Mary Anne!
‐’Aah!’

Oh, put on some clothes and
come on over to the Finleys.

Come on. Everyone, come on.
You gotta see this. Come on.

What’s going on?

Uh, something about the Finleys’
popsicle stick city.

Oh, I’ve seen it.
It’s Pittsburgh.

Am I speaking
a foreign language?

Balki, we are not going
to the Finleys’.

If we go to the Finleys’,
he’ll talk about fishing

and she’ll show us the sweater
she knitted for her dog.

Cousin, Mr. Finley told me
the most amazing thing.

We’re not the only ones
living in this house.

We have a ghost! Oh!

Here’s the topper!

They tell me
that the ghost living

in the room
at the top of the stairs.

You know who’s room that is?

That’s my room! Oh!

A ghost. That would explain
so many things.

Like why the garage door opens
and closes by itself.

Mary Anne, we have
a remote control.

So what’s your point?

I’m telling you,
do you realize how lucky we are?

I mean, on Mypos, it’s a huge
honor to live in a haunted hut.

I mean, it‐it‐it brings
good luck to the occupants

and it wards off evil
and then, of course

there’s someone to pick up the
mail when you’re on vacation.

Balki, there is no ghost.

The Finleys sold you
a bunch of hogwash.

I didn’t even know
they had hogs.

I mean there are
no such things as ghosts.

[laughs]
There, there are no such things
as ghosts?

What do they teach you people
in school?

Balki, the whole idea
of a ghost is a little silly.

No, no, it is not silly.
It is an honor.

You know,
ghosts are very particular

about who they move in with.

We should be grateful that
Chester decided to live with us.

Who is Chester?

Chester Bainbridge?
He’s our ghost.

Haven’t you been listening?

You know, I’m gonna call mama

and‐and share my good news
with her.

She’s gonna be so jealous.

She’s been on a ghost waiting
list for over five years.

Alright, Jennifer,
if there is no ghost

how do you explain
the sound of water running

in the middle of the night?

Easy, Larry gets thirsty
right after we...

Believe me, it’s not a ghost.

Cousin, just take a look
at the book.

Take a look
at any part of the book.

Just a sentence,
just one sentence.

Just look at one word!

Get the book out of my face.

Hey, cousin, if I could
just direct your attention

to this one little page.

Balki, for the last time,
I don’t care what the book says.

We do not have a ghost.

Oh, and I suppose
the oven just cleans itself.

Mary Anne, it’s nice
to know there’s one person

who, who believes
what I’m talking about.

Oh, Balki, I always believe
what you’re talking about

even when I have no idea
what you’re talking about.

Alright, how about a movie
after dinner?

Sounds good.

Cousin, cousin, cousin,
if‐if you just

if you just take a look,
take a look right there.

Cousin, this book is written
by a college professor

Michael Williams Fudd.

‐Michael Williams Fudd?
‐Michael Williams Fudd.

Michael Williams, PhD.

And I still say
there’s no ghost

and I’m gonna go get
the movie section.

[chuckles]

But, but there’s,
there’s a whole chapter

on‐on Chester Bainbridge.

There’s even a picture
of my room. Look.

You see that fuzzy spot?
That’s Chester.

Michael Williams
photographed Chester himself.

Michael Williams,
I saw him on "Nightline."

W‐what does he say
about Chester?

He said that Chester was a
really devoted Chicago Cubs fan

and a, a compulsive gambler

and he bet a fortune
that the Chicago Cubs

will win
the 1929 World Series.

The ’29 Series.

The Cubs lost in five games
to Philadelphia.

Jimmie Foxx hit 350
during that series.

Some things just stick
in my head for no reason.

Other things
go right through it.

Anyway, uh, um...

Uh, Chester couldn’t
pay off his bet

and so they found him
stuffed into a trunk

in the closet in my room.

Balki, show me the, the picture
of Chester in this book.

Now, look, see?
Right there. That’s him.

You‐you, i‐if you,
if you squint...

...just right, it looks like
he’s got a Chicago Cubs hat.

You‐you got to, you‐you
gotta tilt your head

to‐to the left.

‐Oh, yeah, yeah.
‐Yeah, right in there, huh?

Oh, Larry, Larry,
there’s an actual photograph

of our ghost in Balki’s room.

I left the room for two minutes,
suddenly you’re seeing ghosts?

Well, Larry, Michael Williams
is a leading parapsychologist.

If he says Chester is upstairs,
maybe he is.

‐Cousin, look at the picture.
‐Squint.

Tilt your head to the left
and close one eye.

Alright, alright, there will
be no more talk of ghosts

in this house, is that clear?

Alright, there is no ghost

and there is no way
you can prove there is.

That’s where you’re wrong,
Mr. Pouting Thomas.

According to Professor Williams,
Chester Bainbridge appears

at sundown every year
on the anniversary of his death

which happens to be tonight.

So if you would be so kind
as to come up to my room

I’ll be happy to introduce you.

Well, I tell you
what we’re gonna do.

It’s almost sundown now,
we’re all gonna go up

to Balki’s room
and wait for the ghost.

When he doesn’t appear,
you’ll see I was right

and then Jennifer and I
are going to the movies, okay?

Cousin, that sounds
like a great idea.

Now before we go up there

we’ve got to go
over some ghost etiquette.

‐Ah.
‐Cousin, now.

Listen, when the ghost appears,
whatever you do

don’t say who you’re gonna call?
They really hate that.

Chester?

Hello?

We’re here.

Well, I guess
we are a little early.

Come on in. Come on.

Balki, when did you find time
to do all this decorating?

What decorating?
I just unpacked.

I wish I had done more now that
I know I’m not in here alone.

You’re not?

Well, just who’s in here
with you, mister?

‐Chester the ghost.
‐Oh, right.

[screams]

‐W‐w‐what is it, Jen?
‐It’s Wayne Newton.

His eyes are following me.

Oh, my Lord.

Well‐well, you’re right. They...

They do seem to be moving.

Well, of course, they are.
Don’t be ridiculous.

I paid extra for the poster
with the movable eyes

and the scratch‐and‐sniff
cologne.

It’s Wayne’s own fragrance.
It’s called Wayne Drops.

I haven’t decided yet
where to put the poster.

Now here’s my dilemma.

I would love it to be
the first thing you see

when you walk into the room.

But on the other hand,
Wayne looks his best

over here in the morning sun.

What to do, what to do?

There is nothing
to be afraid of.

There is no ghost.

Chester Bainbridge was just
some guy who was dumb enough

to hide from the mob
in his own room.

What did you do that for?

‐Do what?
‐You shoved me.

‐No, I didn’t shove you.
‐Well, somebody shoved me.

[gasps]
It’s Chester!

Hey, Chester!
Chester, hi! How are you?

Balki, you are talking
to the air.

Now‐now‐now there is no ghost!

But just take that.

Cousin.

Don’t ever be rude
to a ghost.

You see, they’re a lot
like alligators.

They’re fun to have
around the house

just as long as
they’re in a good mood.

Okay, okay, alright.

Chester, if you’re here,
show me!

Come on.

Do‐do that voodoo
that you do so well.

There, you see? Nothing.

I was right.
There is no ghost.

Now come on, Jennifer.
Let’s go to the movies.

Oh, my Lord.

Larry, you wanted proof
of a ghost.

I think we have it.

Alright, come on now, let’s,
let’s not jump to conclusions.

Th‐there’s gotta be a‐a logical
explanation for this.

Cousin, give it up.
We’re in mid‐air.

Okay, okay, how about this?

The furnace malfunctioned
creating a backdraft

w‐which came up
through the vents

uh, which created a‐a thermal
vacuum causing things to rise.

Kind of like
what keeps airplanes up.

Really? Well, what keeps
interest rates up?

Thanks for the ride, Chester.

What about Cousin Larry?

Okay, we’re all safely back
on the ground, no harm done.

I admit something strange
just happened.

I have no idea what, but it has
nothing to do with a ghost.

Larry, I don’t know what kind
of sign you’re looking for

but this house
is obviously haunted.

I’m going to a hotel.
Are you coming?

No! No! I refuse to be
driven from my home

by something
that doesn’t exist.

Well, if you wanna
stay here, fine

but I’ll be
at the Kingsley Court.

Come on, Mary Anne.

You know, having a ghost
would explain why every time

we open the refrigerator,
the light goes on.

No, Mary Anne,
the light goes on because...

Yes, having the ghost
would explain that.

Nice work, Balki.

I’m sleeping alone tonight.

Thanks to you
and your idiot ghost.

Cousin, cousin, cousin,
don’t call Chester an idiot.

Ghosts resent having
their intelligence belittled.

They think because they’ve seen
the whole universe

they know everything.

Okay, he’s not an idiot.
He’s a jerk!

Cousin!

Now do you think
Chester would be upset

if I went down to the basement
and checked the furnace?

He might be.

It was just a breeze.

[thud]

The foundation’s settling.

[eerie music]

Okay, this is
a little bit harder.

[ghost moans]

What the hell was that?

[Chester]
’That was my terrifying
ghost moan imitation.’

’I’ve been working on it.
How do you like it?’

Like it? We love it!

Can you do Elvis?

[Chester]
’Do him? I played cards
with Elvis last night.’

So he is dead.

What is it
with you people and Elvis?

Cousin, cousin, look.
It’s, it’s Chester.

Hi, Chester.

Balki, we have a ghost.

No.

The little guy catches on quick.

Chester, I‐I didn’t mean to
call you an idiot or‐or a jerk.

[chuckles nervously]
Are we square? Uh‐uh, shake?

Ah, you’re too late.
You blew it.

You think you’re so smart
just because you’re alive.

Well, I can fix that.

No more Mr. Nice Ghost!

Nice going, cousin.

Now we have an angry ghost
on our hands.

We’re gonna have to figure out
a way to get rid of him.

Oh, it’s okay.
Everything will be fine.

I’ll‐I’ll just apologize.

No, no, cousin,
it’s too late for that.

Apologizing won’t work.

Sure. it’ll work.
It always works.

I do something to you,
you get mad.

I apologize, you forgive me.

Same thing
happens with Jennifer.

It’s a beautiful system.

‐Cousin, I don’t think that‐‐
‐Don’t think. Don’t think.

‐Cousin, just let me finish.
‐Just don’t think‐‐

‐Did you grow up in a hut‐‐
‐When I explain‐‐

‐I did‐‐
‐Just listen to me‐‐

‐No, no, no, I know about‐‐
‐Let me try it‐‐

‐Alright, fine. fine.
‐Thank you. Thank you.

Have it your way.

Chester,
I am really, really sorry.

I, you know, I‐I don’t
know what came over me.

Just, you know, sometimes
I, I get in these moods.

Ah, well, you know,
I’ve been going through

a lot of changes lately.

Uh, new wife, new home
and, uh, a lot of things...

[Chester moans]

Did you see that?

If that had hit me,
it would have k*lled me!

Now he is trying to hurt me.

Just, just please do something.

Cousin, you can’t just
make a ghost go away.

You have to drive him away.

Alright, drive him away.
Drive him away!

Go ahead! How do we do that?

Well, the only way
to drive a ghost away

is you’ve got
to, to make him angry

and then, and then
if you make him angry enough

he’ll use up all his energy
by having a ghostly tantrum.

And you know, cousin,
why don’t you try it?

You’re good
at making people angry.

Chester, when you d*ed...

...you were so ugly,
they buried you face down.

Didn’t work.
Nothing’s happening.

‐Cousin, you know, I‐I...
‐What‐what‐what’re you doing?

I think that something,
something is kind of happening.

What’s going on there?

I’m‐I’m not quite sure

but I think
something big is happening

and I have a feeling that
Chester has control of my hand.

Oh!

‐What did you do that for?
‐I don’t know, cousin!

‐I can’t control it!
‐What? What?

I still think Chester
has control of my hand!

‐Stop it!
‐Oh, cousin!

I’m sorry!

[grunting]

I’m sorry!
I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[groaning]

Oo‐ooh‐oo!

[gagging]

Okay, okay, I think
we’ve got him on the run

because‐because
he let go of me.

Maybe, maybe I should
have a go at it.

Alright, go for it. Go for it!
Get him! Get him!

Okay, okay, um, uh, uh

Chester you have the spleen
of a cowardly goat!

Oh, you’re getting him.
You’re getting him!

Go! Go! Go! Go!
Finish him off! Finish him off!

Okay, okay, uh, uh

may, may you fall on your face

with your hands
in your pockets.

[laughing]

‐Balki?
‐Yeah?

‐I think you did it.
‐I do, too!

I think he’s gone!

I think you drove
that ghost from this house!

So do I. I think he’s‐‐

I think he’s gone
from the premises.

Yes.

I don’t hear him.
I don’t hear him anywhere.

Amazing! We did it!

We did it! We drove the ghost
from the house!

[screams]

Oh, no! Oh no!

Balki! Balki!

[panting]

[screams]

Oh, no!

[grunting]

Whoa!

[blabbering]

Just, just‐just hang on, cousin.

I think, I think
Chester is on the run.

I think he’s, I think
he’s, he’s slowing down.

‐He’s slowing down, cousin.
‐Ow!

[both screaming]

[panting]

Alright, alright,
Balki, Balki

I‐I think I’ve reassessed
my previous stand.

Chester, you can have the house.

Just please‐please
don’t k*ll us.

Please don’t k*ll us.

We were, we were just joking.

[Chester]
’I hate jokes!’

He hates jokes.

[thunder rumbling]

[both screaming]

[Chester moaning]

Larry, Balki, are you alright?

Oh, Jennifer.

Jennifer, you’re back.
Sweetheart, oh, oh.

Oh, I missed you.

Oh, Balki,
I’m so glad you’re safe.

Larry, what happened?
Did you get rid of Chester?

Did we get rid of Chester?
Did we get rid of Chester?

Balki, did we get rid
of Chester?

‐Yes, cousin, we did.
‐Yeah, we got rid of Chester.

Oh, yeah, he was no match
for the two of us.

Oh, he tried
his wily ghost tricks

but nothing I couldn’t handle.

Chester bounced us off the walls
like two rag dolls

until he got bored
and then he left.

Larry, it was very brave of you
to stay here.

Well, it’s a man’s job
to protect his home.

Besides,
Chester locked the door.

Come on.
Let’s get some breakfast.

[screams]

‐What? Jennifer, what‐‐
‐The ghost is here.

I just felt something cold
and clammy on my back.

That’s my hand, look.

Oh.

That ghost is gone for good.

Mary Anne, bad news.

Elvis is dead.

[theme music]