07x13 - Two Angry Men

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rain and thunder ♪

♪ Wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Cousin! Cousin!

Big news, I’ve just been given
my first official duty

as an American citizen.

I’m going to be serving
on the jury.

Well, isn’t that nice?

I’m so excited.

Well, Balki,
you should be excited.

Jury duty is one of
the most important things

an American citizen can do.

And it’s vital that, uh,
every citizen do their share

in upholding
the judicial system.

Well, Cousin, then
you’ll be thrilled to know

that you’re going to be
helping me hold it up.

Well, this is a summons
for jury duty.

I’ve got more important things
to do than this.

Well, wait a minute.

How can we be assigned to
jury duty at the same time?

Well, I don’t like to
blow my own horn, but, uh...

...toot‐toot.

You see, uh, I’ve been going
down to the courthouse every day

and begging Dave
the courthouse clerk

to put our names at the top
of the jury duty list.

‐He can’t do that.
‐Well, that’s what he said.

But after I went down
on my lunch hour

and my coffee break each
and every day for a few weeks

Dave and I became best buds.

And finally he said to me,
and I quote

"Listen to me,
you swarthy little twit."

That, that’s his
little nickname for me.

He said, "Okay, I’ll do it.

But you have to promise to never
ever come to see me again."

See, he didn’t want
others to know

that he did me a special favor.

So, uh, does it help to know
the right people or what?

And I guess, I’m the lucky one
who knows you.

Oh, go on with you.

You’re not lucky, Cousin.
You deserve me.

‐Oh.
‐You know what? I got to go.

I got to go decide
what I’m going to wear.

I need something that says

impartial yet firmly
on the side of justice.

I’m thinking paisley.

Good news, Larry.

I just got back
from the travel agent.

I got such a great deal
on our trip to Bermuda

they’re practically
paying us to go.

Well, Jen, that’s great!

Just you and me.

No Mary Anne. No Balki.

Oh, yeah.

No Balki.

Sunning by the pool.
Breakfast in bed.

No Balki.

So, when do we leave?

The 17th.

Oh, perfect.
Oh, no! Wait a minute.

Oh, no, I’ve got jury duty
starting on‐on the 16th.

C‐can’t we put the trip off
for a week?

No. Larry, the trip is prepaid.
No refunds. No exchanges.

What are we going to do?

Okay, okay.

I‐I mean, maybe I’ll be assigned
to an easy case

I’ll only have to be
at court for a day.

This could still work out.

Oh, I hope so.

Larry, we have a room
with a waterbed.

I think we could
make some waves.

I’ll work it out.

[instrumental music]

Members of the jury,
the defendant Bob Taylor

has been charged
with the armed robbery

of Jerry’s Gas ’n Shop.

It is your duty to settle
on a unanimous verdict.

You will now retire to the jury
room for your deliberations.

Next case.

[instrumental music]

What we have here
is an open and shut case.

I think we can just take a quick
vote and we’re outta here.

Boy, Cousin, you‐you
were born to be a foreman.

I could kick myself
for not bringing my camera.

Okay.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

’"Guilty."’

"Guilty."

"Not guilty."

"Not guilty."

’"Guilty."’

"Not guilty."

"Guilty."

Okay.

Which three morons,
no offense...

...voted not guilty?

Cousin, excuse me. Excuse me.

We, we just took
a secret ballot.

A secret ballot...

...to decide a man’s future.

A man’s future.

Balki, shut up.

Shut up.

Alright, now.

Why don’t we recount the
evidence for the three of you

who seemed to have dozed off
during the trial?

Now, the defendant
was apprehended

on the night of the robbery
with Exhibit A.

This jacket.

Wow. What a piece of goods.

Let me see the lining on that.

This jacket was
positively identified

by the attendant.

‐’Cousin. Cousin...’
‐’Number two.’

‐Number two, we have‐‐
‐Cousin, I...

‐What’s it, what is it?
‐Cousin.

What color were
the assailant’s pants?

‐Doesn’t matter. Number two...
‐Oh, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no‐no‐no.

I beg to quibble with you.

The defendant’s pants
were brown. Okay?

Now, no one would wear
brown pants with this jacket.

Number two.

The defendant was found
with a g*n in his pocket

the same type of g*n
used for the robbery.

Exhibit B.

And finally, we have Exhibit...
No, no, no, put that down.

‐Put it down.
‐Hit the deck!

‐Okay, my finger is caught!
‐Let go! Let go

Stop squeezing! Stop squeezing!
Just let my finger go!

‐Let my finger go.
‐There.

People, people!

It’s not loaded.

Alright!

And finally, we have...

...exhibit C.

The court record
stating that $214

was found in
the defendant’s coat pocket.

The same exact amount
of money stolen.

Coincidence, you say?
I think not.

What we have here
is enough evidence...

‐Cousin, cousin, no, no!
‐For is enough evidence...

No, no, Cousin, Cousin, I have
a comment I have a comment.

Now, now, now,
this is interesting.

‐Bob testified‐‐
‐Who is Bob?

"Who is Bob?"

Who is...
No, thank you very much.

I want him to answer.

Bob Taylor, Cousin.
The defendant?

Now, we are deciding where
Bob is going to spend

his next five to nine birthdays.

And you cannot even
remember his name?

Oh, right. Guilty Bob.

Cousin, he is Innocent Bob

until he is proven Guilty Bob.

Now, Bob testified that he was
standing on the street corner

and all of a sudden
another man come running along

and throw that jacket at him.

‐Now, I think that this is‐‐
‐Don’t think, okay?

Cousin. Cousin, let me
finish my thought.

Let me finish my thought.

’Cousin, I just want you to...
I am here...’

You’re embarrassing me
in front of the other jurors.

Now...

Facts are facts, people.

And it is our job
to look at the facts

and then,
using our objective minds.

Vote...to send this scum bum,
pig filth up the river.

Okay, let’s vote.

Alright, pass them down here.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

Much better, people.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"I’m sorry, cousin,
I just couldn’t do it."

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, this is just great!

Thanks to you we have to go back

to the courthouse
tomorrow morning!

Excuse me, cousin.

But I’m the one
who ought to be upset

and I am upset.

Because I’m pretty sure
that even as foreman

you had no right to try to
make me change my vote

by forcing me
to stand in a corner.

Hi, Larry, have you
finished packing?

No, I haven’t.

Jen, there’s been a small hitch.

I’m not finished with jury duty.

But‐but don’t worry. I’ll be
finished early tomorrow morning.

Maybe if you finish packing
your stuff you can pack mine.

Oh, well, Larry,
I finished packing.

All I’m taking, is this.

[moaning]

Of course, I don’t know
how much I’ll be wearing this.

Mm, mm...

[panting]

Balki, I’d like to apologize

for being so hard on you

earlier this afternoon.

I’m calmer now.

You know, I‐I think
this might be a good time

for me to hear

your interpretation
of the facts.

And‐and then I can tell you
exactly where you’re mistaken.

If you’re mistaken.

Listen, I am not mistaken.

I happen to have very good
reasons for voting not guilty.

And I would love to hear them.

No, you wouldn’t.

Yes, I would.

‐No, you wouldn’t.
‐Yes, I would.

‐No, you wouldn’t.
‐Yes, I would.

‐No, you wouldn’t.
‐Yes, I would!

Tell me. Tell me.

Okay, Cousin.

Aside from the glaringly
obvious fact

that the plaid jacket
don’t belong

in the defendant’s wardrobe

I noticed...

...that over a
five minute period

the defendant blinked his eyes

...twenty‐seven times.

I also noticed

he crossed his hands
right over left.

Now...

If that don’t say innocent

I don’t know what does.

Okay.

Let’s see.

Eye blinking...

‐Twenty‐seven times!
‐Mm‐hm.

‐Hands crossed right over left.
‐Right over left.

And the aforementioned
wardrobe inconsistency.

"Wardrobe inconsistency."

Are you out of your mind?

Those are the stupidest
observations I have ever heard!

Balki, this is America!

And in America

we use the facts.

And you, as an American citizen

must use the facts.

Cousin, I listened
to the facts!

And I want you to know

that all of the evidence
was circumcisional.

Alright, alright, alright.

Alright, Balki,
I am going to show you

exactly what happened.

We are going
to re‐enact the crime.

Oh! We’re going to act!

Okay.

Alright, now, I will be
the gas station attendant.

‐You be the robber.
‐No, I’m not gonna be‐‐

‐You be the robber‐‐
‐I’m not gonna be the robber.

I’m not gonna be some scum‐bug

pig‐breath robber whose
name wasn’t even Bob.

‐Fine, you be the attendant.
‐I can’t be the attendant.

My shirt is too clean.

Y‐y‐you, you just
started your shift.

‐Okay, I could make that work.
‐Uh...

Okay, alright, now

when I, as the robber, come in

you, as the attendant,
are behind the counter.

‐Okay, now, I come in‐‐
‐Cousin, Cousin...

‐No, wait, wait, wait...
‐I come in, I got the‐‐

‐If I’m the attendant‐‐
‐What, what, what?

Then this, you have
to move more that way

because this is not really,
the counter right here.

You know, this is the peanut
display right here

And right over here
is the beef jerky.

‐And I just‐‐
‐Balki, you know something?

I don’t care about
your beef jerky

or your peanut display!

All I care about
is going to Bermuda.

I mean upholding justice!

Excuse me?

Going to Bermuda?

Well, who wouldn’t
want to go to Bermuda?

But that is not the point.

Okay, now,
you’re the attendant

we’re over here,
your beef jerky is here.

‐You’ve got your‐‐
‐Listen to me.

Cut the babasticki!

You want me
to vote guilty

and send an innocent man
to rot away in prison

so that you can go
to Bermuda with Jennifer?

That’s not it at all!

‐Then what is it?
‐Okay, that’s it!

But, y‐y‐you,
you don’t understand!

Don’t you understand that
the‐the tickets are prepaid‐‐

Cousin...

‐And‐and Jennifer‐‐
‐Cousin...

All she’s bringing
is this, this little‐‐

‐Cousin...
‐This tiny thing just blow...

And I was, you know,
thinking maybe we could...

[panting]

You know what, you’re not
the only one who had plans.

Today is the last day
that the carnival is in town

and I was planning to go down
and see how many times

I could ride the Tilt‐O‐Whirl
before I got sick

and now that dream
is shattered!

[instrumental music]

[Balki]
’He blinked


’Okay?’

Twenty‐seven times!

No plane, no Bermuda...

...no bikini.

You know, I’m gettin’
just a little

sick and tired of you,
Captain Garlic.

Why don’t we try a little
physical persuasion

to help him come
to the right decision?

All I am trying to do
is to prevent you

all of you, from making
a horrible mistake.

And just for your information
a clove of raw garlic

each day will
ward off heart att*ck.

[deep sighing]

Alright, all those in favor

of pulverizing
this guy, say "Aye!"

[jury]
Aye!

‐I’m gonna enjoy this...
‐Let’s get him.

Cousin. Cousin.

[indistinct chatter]

Cousin, Cousin‐‐

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Stop getting... Hey, hey, hey!

Cut it out!

What you are doing is wrong!

You’re condemning a‐a man
for having the guts

to stand up for what
he believes in

no matter how stupid it is.

So, so‐so what if
we’re inconvenienced

for a couple of days?

Missing our vacations...

...locked away from our wives.

and their‐their, their teeny
tiny little bikinis.

Let’s get him!
Come on!

Alright, no, no!

Wait! Wait!

Stand back. Get back!

Whose side are you on, anyway?

Now listen, Cousin,
let‐let‐let me just try

try talking to them
for a second.

I‐I‐I have a way
with angry mobs.

Fellow jurors, please.

You are acting exactly
like a flock of sheep

before the winter shearing.

You’re, you’re jumpy

itchy, chafed.

Let’s hurt him! Come on...

No!

[all groaning]

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, just hold
your breath and he’s ours!

[deep gasping]

[indistinct yelling]

Excuse me!

Hello, heh...

...just having
a little discussion.

Yeah, well, there’s
nothing more to discuss

they caught
the real thief

and he confessed
and the judge dropped

all the charges
against Mr. Taylor.

Anyway, you people
are free to go.

Well, let’s get outta here.

‐Let’s go.
‐Okay.

Let’s get out of here.

Look, pal, I’m...

...I’m sorry, uh...

‐No offense, huh?
‐Hey, you were venting.

Well... Balki

I’m sorry you had to see

the ugly side of jury duty .

I’m sure our being att*cked
by a mob of angry jurors

wasn’t exactly the experience
you were looking for.

No, uh, it wasn’t, but, uh...

...the good news
is that an innocent man

is going home and a guilty man
is going to jail.

And it’s‐it’s nice to know

that one small garlicky voice

can make a difference.

I’m just sorry
I had to miss my plane

to Bermuda to learn that.

Oh, you can still
make it to Bermuda.

See, according
to airline policy

when serving jury duty,
a note from the court

is an exception
to restricted air travel.

I’ll get you one.

W‐w‐well, thank you.

Well, this is great!

Cousin, this worked
out swell for everybody

Justice was served
and you get to go

to Bermuda with
Jennifer and...

...that means that,
uh, Mary Anne and I

will have the...house
to ourselves, uh...

You know what
that means, don’t you?

Huh?

[laughter]

‐Giant jigsaw puzzles?
‐You know me so well.

[theme music]

[theme music]