10x06 - Noreen's Glamorous Twin

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNORING]

[MOBILE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello?

Get off my grass!

- What?
- Monty, it's Sammy.

Sammy, what are you...

It's 3:15 in the morning!

[SAMMY] What, in the morning?

Well, squeeze my tits
and call me Barbara.

Here, Monty, I didn't wake you, did I?

Of course you woke me! What do you want?

I cannot stop thinking

about last night's gig. You know,
the one at the private member's club.

Nursing home!

I absolutely stormed it, Monty!

[CHUCKLES] And I am ready!

Ready for what?

Yes, I am, shut up!

Excuse me?

Sorry, Monty, I wasn't talking to you.
Not talking to you.

What do you mean...
Who were you talking to?

Come on, Monty, let's climb aboard
the comedy cock

and ride it really hard,
to the moon and back!

What is this lunatic talking about?

Not cock, chicken...
[MUMBLES] It doesn't matter.

listen, let's do the Solana gig tonight.

[SNORTS, COUGHS]

[NERVOUSLY] Look, Sammy,

why don't I take you out to lunch, huh?

- At Marino's?
- That's good.

Here, Monty, don't wake the rhino!
[CHUCKLING]

-[SNORING]
- I'm trying very hard not to.

[CHUCKLES]

Sammy loves you!
I tell you who loves you.

Sammy loves you. Do you love Sammy?
Course you love Sammy.

[PANTING]
Now, don't you ruin this for me.

No, I'm not listening.

# La La La La La La La La...

Go on, I dare you!

Oh!

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Morning!

Spoke to Kenneth. Told him
I was doing a bit of freelance work,

as a professional muse

and wouldn't be around much today.

He looked delighted.

So, what time are we starting?

As soon as the barman arrives.

Oh, Pauline, no.

I don't need to drink,
I choose to drink.

Helps oil the wheels of creativity.
Al the great artists do it.

And she did write
five whole chapters yesterday.

But they were disgusting.

The main character is based on me.

Obviously, I've changed
the name to protect her identity.

And of course, the physical description
had to be somewhat modified.

To protect my identity.

Yeah. Let's go with that.

Oh!

Oh!

Why do you keep doing that?
Have you got hiccups?

- I don't think I...
-[SCREAMS]

How's that? Has that helped?

Not really.

It feels like somebody keeps
prodding me in the back

with something hard.

Hey, just like in chapter three.

[LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Solana maison.

Okay, let me find a pen.

Hold onto the line, please.

Dennis ...
Den ...

- What do you think you're doing?
- Hmm?

I told you to stay out of the reception.
We're tempting fate here.

You know our quarry's
already getting sussed.

It's his day off today. I've already asked.

- You asked?
- Look,

there's a petting zoo
just an hour's drive away.

Do you want to go?

No, of course I don't.

But they got a llama.

Look, we've got two days before we
actually have to do our job and go home.

And I plan to spend
both of them keeping my head down,

sitting by the pool and getting a tan.

You never wanna do anything any more.

- You've changed.
- Excuse me?

Remember when we first joined the force?

We used to go out and do stuff
together all the time.

Poker nights and pub crawls, Dennis,
not a sodding petting zoo.

They've got a llama.



Yeah, all right. That is a bit odd.

A bit?

Sam, the man is a complete lunatic.

You should have seen him
at that nursing home last night.

He did four encores.

- Four!
- That's good, isn't it?

No, it is not good.

Even before the first one,
the room was completely empty.

They'd wheeled them all off to bed!

Sammy just keeps going out there
anyway. Didn't even notice!

And now, he thinks
he's playing here, tonight.

I'm gonna have to cut him loose.
I've got no choice.

Okay, let's not be hasty here.

Perhaps if we were to take
another hundred

out of the entertainments fund,
we could...

There isn't an entertainments fund.

I've emptied the entire account.
And if Joyce sees that head case

I've been spending it on,
she'll k*ll me.

Or divorce me.

Or both.

So, there's no money left at all?

- Not a penny.
- Well..

- It's been a pleasure working with you.
- What?

There you are! What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be filling in
next week's schedules.

[CLEARS THROAT]

As I was saying,
you're doing a great job

and we're all very pleased with you.
[LAUGHS]

Sorry, darling, I was just giving
the staff a little pep talk.

I do sort of feel that it is part
of my job to help raise morale.

Well, it isn't.

And Sam, as I am continually pointing
out to her,

is not Solana staff.

Oh!

Oh, um... You.

I just wanted to say,
you're doing great work.

[CLEARS THROAT] Keep it up.

Two very small large vodkas, please.

Hrm...

It's a bit early.

It's okay, I'm a writer.

Come with me.

Come on love.

I think you should
try and eat something.

[SIGHS] I'm not hungry.

The nerve of that bloody man,
dragging her off like that,

forbidding her seeing our Rob.

I know, acting like our whole family
is not good enough for her.

Carrying on like we're all
a bunch of scruffy,

bloody common peasants or summat.

You've got a bit of egg
on your 'tache, Dad.

Strange. Didn't have egg this morning.

Hey. You are Tommy, yes?

- Rob.
- Yes, is close enough.

You girlfriend,
she has called reception,

she is wanting me to give you a massage.

She wants you to give me a massage?

Yes.

But I am afraid it is not
having a happy ending.

Oh, a message.

Is what I am saying.

She is saying

she is loving you very much,

but that her father is very protective

and has taken your number
from her phone.

She was hoping it would be
different this time.

Her last boyfriend worked for him

and he eventually had him sh*t.

What?

Is what she's saying.

This afternoon,
she is returning to her country

and you will always be having
a place inside of her heart.

You finished with the breakfast?

This is not part of the message.

I will come back.

He had her last boyfriend sh*t?

Oh, of course he didn't.

She obviously said "fired" and that
clown of a barman wrote it literally.

I'm so sorry Rob.

We all are kid.

I know.

I know.

Hmm.

Kenneth, I'm bored.

Oh stop moaning.

I gave you Mrs Cattleprod, didn't I?

Yeah, but one client since yesterday.

And her name's Gattleford,
not Cattleprod.

Po-tay-t-o, po-tah-to.

Will you stop going on about
how quiet it is? You're gonna jinx it.

After the week I've had,
I could do with some down time.

Do you know, the universe has been
treating me like a ping-pong ball.

I'm owed some karma, Liam.

- All right? Are you open?
- Oh...

Yes.

What can we do for you?

Um, I was hoping to take you up
on your offer, actually.

- What offer?
- Free haircuts for life.

You said last year, me and Tiger
did a bit of modelling for you.

The adverts for Troy's salon.

Oh, that.

Sorry, Troy's gone. Offer's finished.

Should have read your Ts and Cs, love.

We're not exactly rushed off our feet,
Kenneth. And we do owe them.

Hang on.

I don't even think that's the same one.

No, I am...

just got a bit better looking.

Right, fine. Whatever.

Take a seat.

Let's get this over and done with.

Psst!

Free haircuts for life? Was we drunk?

- We were, yes.
- Hmm.

Any chance of a brew there as well?

We've skipped breakfast for this.

[MOUTHING] Cheeky bastard.

Where's Rob?

Uh, I don't know. Said he wanted to be
on his own, so...

So, you just took him at his word?

Well, yeah.

Did it occur to you that perhaps
he needed family around him right now?

Sheron, you need to understand
that men and women

handle these types of situations
very differently.

If Rob said he wants to be alone,
then he wants to be alone.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

It's true, Sheron.

Young Billy were just the same
at that age.

When his first girlfriend dumped him,

he wouldn't leave his room for weeks.

It wasn't weeks, it was two days max.

It were an entire summer holidays.

He was stopped up there, listening
to that bloody Robin Hood song.

Crying and crying and crying...

All right, Dad!

The point is

that's how men handle
this sort of thing.

What, by blubbing like babies?

Dawson men might, normal men don't.

Yes, well, in case it's escaped
your attention,

Rob is a Dawson man.

Half of him might be,

but the other half is pure
grade-A Chase.

Exactly. Come on, Mam,
we'll take care of this.

No, don't. You'll just make things...

Oh, What's the point?

# You know it's true

# Everything I do

# I do it for you #

Shut up.

[CHUCKLING]

And you're absolutely positive

this is both anatomically
and contortionally possible?

Well, I'm not quite sure
what two of those words mean but, uh,

oh, yes.

Hmm.

She should probably say something now.

What should we put?

Oh!

Yeah, that sounds about right.

My hand.

It feels like someone hit it
with a mallet.

Oh, what's happening to me?

First me back, then me hand.

[WHIMPERING]

Do you think I might have
some sort of brain disease?

Very probably.

Muse?

Where are you going? Muse!

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you

but do I know you?

I don't think so.

Oh, I'm sure I do.
I never forget a face,

amongst other things.

Yeah, I've definitely seen you before.

Only, you were dressed
in some kind of uniform.

Not cheerleaders...

Police officers!

That was it. You were police officers.

[GASPS] Oh! You were investigating
my Donald

for fraud.

Donald?
Donald Stewart?

Yes!

You had to drop the case after he d*ed.

Well, I'm, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]...

...really sorry to hear that.

Listen, we are actually
undercover here, so...

Oh, that'll be the trees.

Erm, it's why I always
sit over this side.

No, no, no. Undercover?

In the middle of an investigation?

On the down-low.

QT, the hush-hush.

Oh!

So it's really, really important

that you don't let anybody know
who we are.

- I understand.
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, nice to see you both
again, anyway.

And you.

- Nigel?
- It's fine.

She got the message.

There you are, muse.

You can't keep wandering off like that.

Sorry, I was just talking
to them coppers.

So your man goes...

"David Beckham doesn't have
his hair cut like this."

And the barber gives it,

"He does if he comes in here."

[LAUGHS]

[JOEY LAUGHING]

Well, did he get it cut in the end?

What?

No, Joey. It's a joke.

Oh...
[JOEY LAUGHS]

Here, what happens if your mate
cracks a smile?

Does his face shatter?

LIAM; Yeah! [LAUGHS]

[MOBILE RINGING]

Oh.

Oh, that's interesting.

What?

You appear to be on the phone.

Err... It...

That's a different Tiger.

A different Tiger?

Do you think I was born yesterday?
Right, Liam, scissors down.

Actually, I just finished.

Well good.

I hope you like it,
'cause you're gonna pay for it.

Eight euros please.
Come on....

Kenneth.

Liam, he's scamming us.

We weren't trying to scam you.

I just thought the offer
could extend to my mate.

It can, it has, you're fine.

Look.

I'll tell you what,
if it bothers you that much,

I'll sit back down in the chair
and you can put all the hair back in.

- Oooh.
- Aye...

Come on, Joey.

- Thanks, Liam.
- You're welcome.

"You're welcome, you're welcome."

You do realise we've just
effectively been mugged?

Don't be stupid.

Oh, and what's this?

It's a scratch card. It must have
come out of his pocket.

What are you doing?

What do you expect me to do?
It's a scratch card.

It's like giving somebody bubble-wrap
and telling them not to pop it.

- Yeah, but...
- [GASPS]

Oh, my God!

- 200 euros!
- He's won 200 euros?

No, correction, Liam.

I've won 200 euros.

Karma, Liam. Karma.

- Kenneth! Kenneth!
-[CHUCKLING]

Kenneth!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I am sorry for what has happened.

Thank you.

But you should not
blame yourself for this.

You should not sit here
like a little cry boy,

thinking to yourself over and over,

"Oh, if only I had been a real man,
perhaps she would have stayed."

What?

I wasn't thinking that at all.

You were not?

No.

Oh.

Good. Because you should not.

Okay, yes.

She was very... [WHISTLING]

And you are more like...

[RETCHING]

But you should not be worrying that
this is the real reason she has left you.

I'm not.

You are not?

No.

Huh! Is good then.

You are over it.

I'm not over it, mate.

She was the love of my life.

[SCOFFS]

How can this be? If she were
the love of your life,

you would not be sitting here,
would you?

No.

This is what you do, my friend.

You move on.

Hey, we have a saying in Spain.

When you have fallen from the horse...

Get right back in the saddle.

No. You must now ride a donkey.

There you are! We've been...
Where are you going?

She said they were flying
this afternoon.

That means there's still time.

What did I tell you?
Fifty percent Chase.

Well, what are you standing
there for? Go, go!

So, you can see why
this is so important.

You can't say anything to anybody.

Do you understand'?

I'm sorry, who are you again?

What about you?
Did you hear what we said?

Hello? Miss?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I just saw...

Yeah, I think we're golden here.

Bye, officers!

[BOTH SIGH]

We really should have gone
to that petting zoo.

Son...

I were just thinking about
"Breaking Wind".

Right. Well, it's, erm,

nice of you to pre-warn me for once.

No! I mean, that telly programme
with baldy fella.

You got box set for Christmas.

Oh. Breaking Bad.

- What about it?
- Well,

some of them on there, they were
from South America, weren't they?

And they had white suits and moustaches.

And private jets.

What are you trying to say, Dad? Are you
trying to say Franco is a drug dealer?

Or a g*n-runner.

Dad!

You can't say things like that.
That's r*cist!

[SIGHS]

Mind you,

that bit in the message
about the last boyfriend,

that was a bit odd, wasn't it?

If you ask me, our Rob's just
had a very lucky escape.

I think we all might have.

Well, you'll be pleased to hear

that me and me mam
have taken care of everything.

- Great!
- That's right.

Even as we speak, Robbie's
racing to the airport

to confront Cyd's father one-on-one.

BOTH: He' s what?

[EDDIE SIGHS]

Hello!

Hello!

What can I get for you?

Oh, nothing.

I think perhaps you would like
a nice glass of sherry.

Oh, no, I'd better not.

I think there might be
something wrong with me brain.

You don't say.

Perhaps a cup of coffee?

Okay, I will bring it over to you, hmm?

Hello!

Excuse me, waiter?

Yes.

Can I have a glass of sherry, please?

Doreen?

Noreen!

I don't why we didn't
just tell 'em what's going on.

Because we don't actually
know what's going on, do we?

If we tell Sheron and Mam,
they'll just think we're nuts.

I mean, I think we're nuts.

I'm 60-40 that this g*n-runner,
drug-dealer stuff

is just some deluded
fantasy in your head.

But we can't risk it,
we've got to get to that airport.

Wait, wait.

Shouldn't we get tooled up first?

Tooled up?

Aye, you know, grab a table leg

and a sock stuffed with pool balls
or summat.

It's not a prison riot, Dad.





Those chairs in our room
look like they might unscrew.

There's a pool table out yonder.

Right. Meet back here, five minutes.

So,

have you cashed in
your ill-gotten gains yet?

No, I haven't, as it goes.

A-ha, I knew it!
And you do you know why?

Because deep down,
you realised it would be wrong.

No, it's because deep down I realised
that the shop's closed for siesta.

I overheard them talking.

They're after going clubbing but they haven't
even got enough money for the bus fare.

Aww...

This is their holiday, Kenneth.

Look, Liam.

that young whippersnapper comes into our
salon pretending to be someone he's not,

cons us out of a free haircut,
demands a cup of tea

and has the audacity to sit there
telling barber jokes?

I'm sorry, but what goes around
comes around.

Well, I hope you sleep well tonight.

Well, since I'm planning on
shoving half me winnings

behind the bar of the Piccadilly,
I don't think that'll be a problem.

Monty! Ooh-hoo!

[LAUGHING] Monty's here, Monty's here.

Come on, bring it in for a man-hug. Aww!

Monty, lovely to see you.
Right, come on.

Come and sit your pupper
down here. There we go.

Oh, sit.

Sammy, thanks for meeting me. Uh...

Uh, this is a bit difficult.

This is about the Solana gig, isn't it?

In a sense, yeah.

And you want me to do the hat routine!

- The what?
- Oh, don't be coy.

Everybody's so coy about it.

"We can't ask Sammy to do the hat routine
he's probably sick of the hat routine."

"He's Sammy Valentino, there's more
to him than just a hat routine."

Listen, I can't make you any promises
but all I'm saying, right,

is make sure you stick around
for the fourth encore.

- Fourth?
- Mmm-hmm.

Look, Sammy, I've got to cut
straight to the chase here.

I think we have to...

Sammy.

- Sammy Valentino?
- Yes?

I don't believe it.
It's really you, isn't it?

Yeah.

Can I touch you?

Well, as long as it's above the equator.

[LAUGHS]

Wow.

Sammy Valentino.
I'm like your biggest fan.

Hey.

Who loves you?

Sammy loves you!

Get off my grass!

- Don't wake the rhino!
-[LAUGHS]

I'm shaking. I'm literally shaking.
Here, feel my arm.

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Hey.

Where's Manny? [CHUCKLING]

Me and Manny no longer work together...

any more, so if you don't mind, I'm in the middle
of a meeting with my manager, thank you.

Oh. Oh, yeah, of course.

Sorry, Sammy.

Thank you. Thanks. Thank you.

Who's Manny?

My old double act partner.

You were in a double act?

Sadly, he's not with us any more.

Oh. I'm very sorry.

Uh, come on, come on.
About the hat routine.

Sammy...

- I just think that we need to...
- Ah, Monty...

I knew this would happen.

Every time I get recognised, it happens.

[SIGHS] Come on.

Everybody calm down, all right?
I'm gonna give you 15 minutes

and that's your lot, all right?

No, no, no, Sammy, I think they're just
setting up the karaoke for tonight.

- Come on, let's plug it in.
- Sammy!

Here we go.
Come on, give us it here.

Sammy!

But I don't understand.

What are you doing here?

My new boyfriend

has a villa out here.

- New boyfriend?
- Mind,

that flight was a nightmare.

This irritating little brat behind me

spent the whole journey

kicking the back of my seat.

When I got dropped off here,

this idiot of a taxi driver

slammed the door on my hand.

Oh!

So there's nothing wrong
with my brain after all.

I think the jury's still out there.

Ah! You mean you two
have got one of those

Psychopathic links that twins
sometimes get?

Oh, I should put that in the book!

Give Jackie a twin sister.

And every time Jackie has a,
you know, big finish,

her sister has one, too.

Even if she's in the middle of Tesco's.

"Clean-up on aisle six!"

You are writing a book?

My debut novel. A steamy erotic fantasy.

Based... on me.

I always knew you were destined
for greatness, Pauline.

She takes after me, doesn't she?

Yes.

Yes, I think she does.

[SAMMY] Are you ready?
Get those hands in the air!

# Sweet Caroline

# Doo ,doo, doo

# Good times never seemed so good

Isn't he amazing?

Actually, when he's working
an audience that isn't half comatosed

and wearing catheters,

yes, he kind of is.

I can't believe I'm actually watching
Sammy Valentino live!

Well, if you think this is good,

come down to the Solana tonight, it's
the first night of his comeback tour!

Do you think he'd do the hat routine?

You know something?

I think he just might!

# Sweet Caroline

Come on!

# Good times never seemed so good

# I've been inclined

# To believe they never would

# Oh, no, no #

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

I love you! I love you, Sammy!

Cyd!

- Robbie!
- You.

You should not be here.

- Come.

Father, don't!

What are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing here?

Cyd, you can't get on that plane.

You can't.

I've got us two tickets to Paris.

- Paris?
- My daughter's coming home with me.

You know I love you.

What is this?

Ask me the question, Robbie.

- Question?
- The one I couldn't answer before.

Ask me now.

Cyd...

Will you marry me?

Yes.

I will marry you, Robbie.

You will? What, really?

Yes, really.

Oh!

What do you think you're...

You defy your own father?

And you...

You come here despite
everything that I said.

You ask for my daughter's hand
in marriage,

right in front of me?

Truly, you are a real man.

And you are a little girl no more.

You will talk to my pilot.
He will take you to Paris.

We're going on your jet?

What will you do?

I will send for another to come
and fetch me.

Ping Pong balls?

The pool table were coin-operated.

I didn't have any change.

Mr Franco, what are you doing here?

Do you know these men?

I'm going to need five minutes
alone with them.

Do not worry about me. I am not here.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, walk...

- Hello? Excuse me?
- Whoa, what you doing, pal?

Whoa, whoa!

- EDDIE: Hello!
-[LOUD MUSIC IN HEADPHONES]

So he's good?

Good? He' s fantastic.

He had the whole crowd
eating out of his hand.

- Huh!
- You were right all along.

He just needed to find his mojo again.

- Hmm.
-[LAUGHS]

JOYCE: Monty!

Monty, are you down there?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Is he here?

Is he in there?

You've actually done it.

A genuine light entertainment legend.

Was there ever any doubt?

- Wait, can I meet him?
- Uh...

You can meet him soon enough.

At least give me some kind of clue!

"Get off my grass!"

Alan Titchmarsh?

Er...
Joyce...

All will be revealed.

Trust me.

Just go upstairs,
make sure the guests are having fun

and we'll take it from there.

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

SAMMY: Come in!

How you doing? [LAUGHS] Monty!

Sammy!

Glad to see you, Monty.
Ooh! Who might you be?

Sam? We've met several times,
including yesterday.

Okay, did we? [WHISTLES]

Ah, never mind. Anyway.
You hold on to this, thank you.

This is my props bag.

This is for the hat routine.

That's not a hat.

Yeah, but don't ruin the punchline,
darling, all right?

It must be in here.

Jacket! Famous jacket!

- Sorry?
- My sparkly jacket.

I must have left it at home.

It's just a jacket.

Monty, what do you mean,
"just a jacket"?

And I suppose Hendrix's Fender Strato
was just a guitar, was it?

Monty, I need the jacket.
I need the jacket!

All right, all right. All right.

You're not on till 9:00,
I'll go and get it. Okay?

Just... just try and keep yourself calm.

- Here.
- Get the jacket.

Get the jacket.

Find the jacket.

Right, I'll go and fetch his jacket,

but he's starting to get the fear again.

You need to stay here
in case he tries to leg it.

I can't! I'm supposed to be
meeting Joey for a...

# I had a picture of you in my mind

# Never knew it would be so wrong

A fizzy orange juice, please.

Are you you,
or are you your crazy sister?

I'm me.

Okay, I believe you.

[LAUGHING]

Engaged? He's got engaged?
And he didn't tell me?

From what Franco tells us,
it was kind of spontaneous.

Yes, I do believe he loves my daughter,

and she him.

I've always liked that girl.

What?

You haven't cashed it, eh?

- Haven't had time.
- You got time now.

Shop doesn't close
for another 10 minutes.

You do feel guilty, don't you?

No!

They're just kids, Kenneth.

You're honestly telling me you
didn't do worse things

than blagging a free haircut
when you were their age?

Come on!

Let' s go over.

Do a good deed. You said it
yourself, what goes around comes around.

Karma, Kenneth. Karma.

All right! Fine.

But not 'cause I feel guilty, okay?

Just to shut you up.

# Why'd it take me so long just to find

# The friend that was there all along

# You'd be there #

I will fetch champagne.

Oh, oh, no, champagne's not
part of the all-inclusive.

Oh... right, billionaire, forgot.

Well, he better bloody ring me as soon
as he lands, that's all I can say.

You two went down there armed?

He got into me head.

Convinced me the guy was a g*n-runner.

Pair of idiots.

Well, I don't think you're an idiot.

I think you're brave.

Risking your own life for our son.

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I did.

What do you think about that,
then, Loretta?

Not bad for a Dawson man, eh?

Guess we're not all a bunch
of cry babies after all.

# Look into my eyes

# You will see

Excuse me, I just, erm,

need to use the little boy's room.

Bless him.

# Search your heart?

# Search your soul!

# And when you find me there...

- You can do it, Kenneth.
- For God's sake!

[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me.

Oh, it's you.

I just wanted to kind of
apologise about this morning.

I've been under a lot of pressure
lately and...

I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

No worries mate.
Apology accepted.

- Oh.
- That's not the end of it.

Excuse me!

And just to show
there's no hard feelings,

I found this.

Shop's still open for 10 more minutes.

So if you run, you'll probably be
able to cash it tonight.

I don't know what to say. That's just...

- Wow! Thanks, man.
- Oh!

[LAUGHING]

I told you they were cool!

There. Now, don't you feel better?

Oh, do you know what, Liam?

I have got a kind of warm, fuzzy feeling
going through me.

- Yeah.
- Get off!

Oh. Sorry, Mrs Cattleprod.

- Gattleford.
- Gattleford.

I didn't see you there.
You all right, love?

No. I bought a scratch card this morning

and I can't find it.

I didn't leave it in the salon, did I?

Stupid boy!

# You know it's true

# Everything I do

# I do it for you #

Manny?

[SCREAMS]

Sawdust?

Err... Excuse me!

Guests aren't allowed back here.

I'm looking for Sammy Valentino.

I'm his biggest fan.

You have my sympathies.

I was hoping he could sign
some of me merch.

I've got some old fliers.

Photos. I've...
I've even made replica props.

[CHUCKLES] Look.

I hand-stitched this meself.

Er.. Can I borrow this?

# You think that I don't even mean

# A single word I say

# It's only words

# And words are all I have

# To take your heart away #

He flies in tomorrow. I can't wait
for you to meet him.

And you, especially, Pauline.

'Cause I know we've always
had the same tastes.

Plus, he's about your age.

What?

Oh, so you're a cougar, then.

I'm a what?

How dare you speak to me like that?

Oh, no, I didn't mean... Oh, dear.

Um, hello, officers!

For crying out....

Will you please just listen to me?

We are undercover!

On the down-low. The QT. The hush-hush.

Did that help last time, Dennis?

- No.
- No!

Try to understand,
we are not police officers.

We're just a couple of
retired green-grocers.

- Gay ones.
- Yes, thank you, Dennis.

Green-grocers?

That's your cover story?

Pathetic.

You'd never cut it as creative writers.

You need to come up with
something much more exotic than that.

Why don't you say you're...

treasure hunters?

Brilliant!

Thank you, Aunty D.

What? No! We're not treasure hunters.

We're green-grocers, okay?
Green-grocers.

- Gay ones.
- You don't have to keep adding that.

# And words are all I have

# To take your heart away

# It's only words...

I'm so excited! Oh, come on,
surely you can tell me now.

Once you ... [GASPS]

It's Cliff, isn't it?

It has to be Cliff!

-[MOBILE RINGING]
- Oh!

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

- Hello?
- Sam.

Sam! Cancel everything.

You've got to get him
out of that hotel now.

The man is a 24-carat bona fide nutjob.

- Sorry?
- His ex-double act partner was a puppet!

And I think he must have put him
through the woodchipper at some stage

and now he keeps him in an urn!

He thought the sodding thing was alive

and attempting to sabotage his career.

He's been through a whole string
of breakdowns over it

and in and out of various different
institutions for two decades!

How do you know that?

Because he's kept all the bloody
press cuttings!

I think he thinks they're positive.

He's put them all in a scrap book,

and covered the front in glitter.

Uh-oh.

What do you mean, "uh-oh"?

So without further ado,

please welcome the Solana Benidorm's

Mr Entertainment himself.

Whoa-hook!

Oh! Sammy Valentino!

I'll take it from here, sugar tits.

Way.. Woo Hoo..

MONTY: Sam? Sam?

Who loves you?

Sammy loves you!

That's right, Sammy loves...

YOU?

You can't be here. You're dead,
you're dead, I k*lled you.

I k*lled you.

I k*lled you once!

And I will k*ll you again!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[SAMMY SHOUTING]

Shouldn't you two
do something about this?

What's it got to do with us?

We're just treasure hunters.

Gay ones.

[WINCES] Oh.

What's happening? Sam?

Sam?

Monty.

Oh, God...

Would you mind awfully
coming back to the hotel, please?

I think we need to have a little chat.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]