02x02 - Drone and Dumber

[bunniefuu]

Aah!

How's it going?
Is my chili cheese dog ready?

Brent?
Is that you?

Pretty cool, hey?
I can tell you're impressed.

Can you see me?

Yeah, there's a small camera
on the front of the drone.

- Plus I'm over here.
- Well, then what are you doing?

It's called technology, Lacey.
Get with the times.

My days of hunting food
like a Neanderthal are over.

Now I can just send my drone
to pick up food for me.

But you're still
over here operating it.

Well, I wanted to see
the look on your face.

But the drone has a camera on it.

Right, well, anyway, just put the
chili cheese dog in the basket.

- My hands are full.
- Your hands wouldn't be full

if you weren't
controlling a drone.

You know, you can
pick holes in anything

if you try hard enough.

Hmm. Looks like I might
have to get a bigger drone.

- Or start eating lighter.
- Yup, bigger drone.

♪ You think there's
not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

2x02 - Drone and Dumber

So, annual turkey sh**t's coming up.

You going to enter
and embarrass yourself again?

- I didn't embarrass myself.
- You should've seen Karen last year.

Everyone put their money on her
to win the turkey sh**t,

because she was supposed to be
this fantastic sh*t,

- and then she totally choked.
- I didn't choke.

Everyone lost their money,
and they were mad at her for weeks.

It was a very enjoyable time
for some of us.

You shouldn't tease Karen
like that, Davis.

She's your partner,

and she can't help it
if she's not a good sh*t.

- I'm a fantastic sh*t.
- See, that's the attitude!

Who cares if you can handle
pressure or not?

It had nothing to do with pressure.

Why yell at me?
I'm the one being nice to you.

Doesn't matter anyway.
Brent won it last year.

That's where I'm putting
my money this year.

That's it.
You. Me. g*n range.

Now.

Whoa!

- We own a drone?
- "We" don't own a drone.

- We're leasing it?
- There is no "we" in the drone scenario.

I own a drone.
Alone.

What are you gonna do with it?

What aren't I gonna do with it?
I'm gonna...

there's... like, if someone
pulls up to the pumps,

I can just send out the drone
to see what they want.

If they're at the pumps,
they probably want gas.

Well... there's a
million uses for a drone.

I just, I can't think of any at the
moment because my brain is still at

the "holy crap,
I own a drone" phase.

- Let me have a turn.
- Forget it.

Every time I let you
use something of mine,

- it gets wrecked.
- As if.

♪ I got a friend
you know he's the best ♪

♪ He's way better
than all the rest ♪

♪ Yeah, I got a best friend
and he's the one ♪

♪ You can't stop us
from havin' fun... ♪

Like it's my fault
the circus was in town.

This "turkey sh**t"
thing sounds brutal.

Doesn't seem fair to
cluster a bunch of helpless

turkeys together and start
taking pot sh*ts at them.

- That's not what it is.
- Oh. Good.

Someone flings a turkey into the air,

- and everyone sh**t at it.
- Oh, my God!

She's making that up.

It's just a target sh**ting competition.

They call it a turkey
sh**t because whoever gets

the closest to the bullseye
wins a frozen turkey.

Well, that sounds
a bit more humane.

What are the lunch specials today?

Oh. We have a shaved
turkey clubhouse...

Ooh, I feel a bit bad
about that now.

Oh, don't feel bad for turkeys.
They are literally

the stupidest animal
walking the planet,

- and I live with Oscar.
- Actually, turkeys are very bright,

and have been shown to possess
significant problem solving abilities.

That's a significant load of crap.

- What's the soup?
- Turkey barley.

What's for dessert,
turkey buster parfait?

Okay, I've got these tin cans
set up for me to sh**t,

and I've got this can
for you to miss.

Wait till I get 20 or 30 yards away,

- so you don't hit me by mistake.
- Might not be a mistake.

Whoa! You're like Butch Cassidy,
or Sundance Cassidy.

Whichever one of the Cassidy
brothers was good at sh**ting.

It was Sundance,
and yeah, I am,

- and also, they weren't brothers.
- But if you're such a good sh*t,

how come you did
so poorly last year?

Figure it out.
Was there anything that

happened this past year
that might improve my aim?

You vacationed in Mexico,
you bought new rollerblades,

you got that secret laser eye surgery

I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about,

you painted your garage,
you got a new barbecue.

Why are you still listing things
after "laser eye surgery"?

- And here we are.
- And why are we here?

To prove my point.
Turkeys aren't as dumb as you think.

- We're still on the turkey thing?
- Pick any turkey in there,

and in 24 hours,
I'll have it doing tricks

and dancing the merengue.
Go ahead.

That one.

- Yikes.
- That's my guy.

Never saw a bird burp before.

- It's just science.
- Fine.

Hey, Kirk!
How much for this turkey?

The one that's trying
to eat its own foot!

That is easily, by far, the
coolest thing you've ever owned.

Yeah, well, you said that
about my electric can opener, too.

Your electric can opener couldn't fly.

Although it did have
that magnetic thingy

that held the lid once
the can was open...

But no!
This is even cooler!

Let me try. Please?
Please, please?

- Please, please, please?
- Three more "pleases."

- Please, please, please.
- No.

What the hell is that?!

Okay, I've set up a series
of problem-solving steps,

which, if done in order,

will result in food
dropping into a bowl

- for Einstein to eat.
- You've named the turkey Einstein?

I'm building his confidence.

- Better hurry up before he drowns.
- Einstein!

You okay, Dad?
You look a little frazzled.

I just saw... a UFO,
out over that field.

Oh? Tell me all about it.

So, you really are
a cr*ck sh*t,

now that your eyes
have been re-aligned.

They weren't re-aligned,
they were lasered.

Yeah.
Like a... laser level.

How did things go
at the sh**ting range, Karen?

Not that it matters, because
everyone fully supports you.

You mean, pities me.

But all that's going to change,
because this time...

This time she's gonna miss
even worse than last year.

Lucky if she doesn't
k*ll anyone passing by.

Geez, Davis. With partners
like you, who needs...

whatever the opposite
of partners is.

Why are you still roasting me
after you saw how well I can sh**t?

Everyone else still thinks you're
lousy, so they gamble on Brent.

We gamble on you,
and make a k*lling!

That's not gambling.
That's a scam.

Yeah. It's called "scambling."

I mean, I'm not saying
it was a real UFO,

but it was dark,
and metallic,

and flying,
up in the sky.

- Defying Earth's gravity?
- Exactly.

You know, I think I saw
the same thing.

- You did?
- I swear.

I'm sure I laid eyes on the same
flying thing you did.

I was just hesitant to
say anything to anyone

in case, you know, they
thought I was losing my marbles,

but what do you have to lose?

But why would aliens travel
umpteen light-years

across whole galaxies just to
buzz around this dinky dung heap?

Maybe it's not aliens.
Maybe it's the government.

That's worse!

You know how they want
to keep tabs on everyone.

- Dirty sons-a...
- They're probably here to make sure

no one's cheating on their taxes.

They might come nosing around
your new boat.

- What?
- Anyone buys a boat,

giant yacht or rubber canoe,

they're automatically on a list.
A boat list.

Of all the low-down, conniving...

- Better hide that boat in your garage.
- The garage is full of stuff.

Well, I guess you gotta clean it out,

or grab your ankles
and get ready for an audit.

Those rotten...
bureaucratic baboons...

I think I just found
a use for my drone.

I'll go through
the steps once more.

- For the tenth time.
- Watch closely, Einstein.

Step one, pick up stick.

Step two,
poke stick into hole.

That releases marble,
which rolls onto trough.

Step three,
pick up marble and drop in tray,

to release food.

Step four, Wanda realizes you're
too stupid to learn step one,

- and we go home.
- Sorry, Emma, but I think he's got it.

Let's find out.

And he's off!

He was smart enough to
leave a cage, whoopty-ding.

- He's looking at the stick.
- Whoopty... He is?

He's heading for the pole!

- You did that on purpose.
- It's dusty out here.

Reset the puzzle, and
I'll go calm him down.

Whoa, shh...
Don't be scared.

You're a genius.

A beautiful,
non-lazy-eyed genius.

I can't find the stick!

Emma!
Give me a hand here.

Way to go, Einstein.

She was talking to me!

- Thanks a lot, you stupid bird.
- Stupid?

We're the ones
locked in the cage.

But it's just a simple loop latch.
I'll reach up and...

Ouch! He pecked me.

- Ow! Come on!
- Okay, this has gone on long enough.

Ow! Stop doing that!

Hear ye, hear ye!
I hereby announce the formation

- of the Dog River Drone Club.
- Oh. Sorry, Hank.

I don't have time to be in
a club that isn't even a thing.

Oh, but it is.
And it's very exclusive.

Just you, me, and...
our drones!

- Looks a little wobbly.
- One of the propeller blades broke off,

ah, but I glued
a popsicle stick on there.

Well, it's not a drone.
It's a seven-dollar toy helicopter.

Shows what you know,
I paid eight,

and it can do all the things
your drone can do.

I doubt that.
Mine has a hi-def camera

that I can use to take aerial photos

- and/or give my father nightmares.
- Mine has a camera.

It doesn't sh**t video,

but I set it to take a photo
every ten seconds,

so I'll get a time-lapse
aerial of Dog River.

Maybe not aerial,
but, uh, it's a start.

Okay, then. Enjoy buzzing
the town's various crotches.

Hey, what are you
guys talking about?

- What a bad sh*t Karen is?
- No.

Remember how bad
she sh*t last year?

Ha! I've seen some
terrible sh*ts in my day,

- but hoo, baby, stink-o-rama!
- I guess she wasn't very good.

You said it, worst sh*t of all time.

- I didn't say...
- Yup, smart money's on Brent.

Brent is where I'd bet, if
I were a betting man. Hey!

You guys talking about
how bad Karen is at sh**ting?

Stupid government cyber feds

always poking their noses
into my junk!

Whoa!

Dad! Is that you?

Brent?

You were right, Dad.
It's aliens!

They sucked me up using some kind
of a shrink-a-nizing tractor beam!

Oh no! Let him go, you
dirty bug-eyed bastards!

That's my boy!

He's of no use to you.

He has no skills or abilities.

He's just a big lazy lump
who does nothing!

Yes, well...

He'll eat you
out of house and home...

Anyway, I don't know when
I'll get out of this mess.

In the meantime, if you
see someone around town

who looks like me,
it's not me!

It's some kind of robot pod.

Goodbye!

Oh, this is terrible.

I mean, I don't have to hide
my boat now, that's good,

but still, this is terrible!

What the hell are you...

Hey! What kind of creepy
sicko stunt is that, Hank?

- Get over yourself.
- Perv.

- What are you doing, ya perv?
- That was your knee!

- I don't see him.
- He probably drowned in a puddle.

You got it!

Something's jamming it.
No way.

He's using my own stick
against me!

The student
has become the master.

You can't seriously think
he did that on purpose.

Hoo boy, Karen!
You sure were a terrible sh*t

at last year's turkey sh**t.

Yup, if last year
is anything to go by,

and as far as anyone knows, it is,

I am not good at g*n sh**ting.

I can't watch you b*at
yourself up like this.

I have faith in you,
and to prove it,

- I'm going to bet on you this year.
- No, don't!

Uh, I mean,
don't waste your money.

Davis is right,
I'm a terrible sh*t.

He has her so demoralized,

she thinks she deserves this abuse.
This is not cool!

Emma!
Martians took our boy!

Emma?

Emma?
Emma!

Where the hell are you?

Try again.

Ugh. I can make that sh*t
ten out of ten times.

But everyone is watching.

Oh, that's awful.

Karen needs our support
to build back her confidence.

I say we all bet on her
to win the turkey sh**t.

But she sucks.

Words like "sucks" and "useless"
are counter-productive.

- No one said "useless."
- Come on, you guys,

you don't have to bet a lot,

just what you can afford to lose,
because, well,

we've established she's garbage.

- Well, no one said she's...
- Come on, you guys!

She needs this.

Uh... all right.

Come on, go left.

Might need to recalibrate
the popsicle stick.

Uh-oh, it's getting too far away.

Okay, you distract him
while I try to reach

your purse with this branch.

Then we can use your phone
to call for help.

♪ Yoo-hoo...
gobble gobble! ♪

Okay, easy.
Easy...

- He's trying to answer the phone!
- He's just randomly...

Emma? Hello?

Emma! Where the hell are you?

Oscar, help!

Oh, my God, they got you too?

Oscar!

Oh, no!

All your book smarts,
and you let us get trapped

by the stupidest creature on Earth.

When are you going to accept
this is no accident?

He's doing this on purpose.

I wouldn't be surprised
if we end up as human jerky.

Okay, let's see...

I think I'll put a couple
hundred bucks down

on Karen to win,
even though she is a long sh*t.

- Not anymore.
- What?

A bunch of people placed bets
on Karen in the last half hour.

She's actually
the odds-on favourite now.

Why the hell would...?

Something's gone horribly wrong.
Everyone is betting on you.

- How could this have happened?
- Don't know, don't care.

If everyone's
betting on me to win,

then everyone's
going to win some money.

- Nope, new plan.
- Brent's the long sh*t now,

so I put all my money on him.

You throw the contest,
and I make a k*lling.

Forget it.
I have got a point to prove.

No! Throw the match.

That's worse than the scam
you were pulling before,

- and more scummy.
- Yeah. It's called "scumbling."

Knees, shoes,
fire hydrant, knees,

cat's anus, ankles...

Hmm. What is that?

Where's Davis and Karen?
Emma's been abducted.

Oh. That probably
explains this, then.

Oh, no! What are those
monsters doing to her?

And Wanda?
That's Wanda's yard.

- I gotta go!
- Okie-dokie, then.

Snail, ingrown toenail,

another cat's anus,
frog's anus...

Hmm, wow,
that does look watertight.

Come on.
If you take a dive and t*nk it,

I'll make sure no one teases you.

- You're the only one that teases me.
- I can dial that back.

Not a chance.
I am on a mission.

Davis, Karen, follow me,

Emma's been
abducted by Martians,

and if you see Brent, arrest him!
He's a robot.

You betcha.

- But if you just...
- Hang onto my drone controller.

Whatever you do,
don't let Hank touch it.

You betcha.

Hey, Brent!
You feeling confident?

Like you might get a bullseye?

Ah, it's no use.
He made the cage too strong.

You made it!

Kirk!
We're saved!

How did you know
we were here?

- You called me.
- We didn't call you.

- The turkey called you!
- The turkey?

Turkey's too stupid
to come in out of the rain.

- He can't use a phone.
- That's what he wants you to think.

He operates 20 moves ahead,
like Kasparov.

Ah, I should've
named him Kasparov.

He got us,
and he'll take you down too.

You'll never catch him, Kirk.

Thanks for catching him, Kirk.

Kasparov...

I believe I made my point.

And Brent hits
just outside the bullseye.

Closest to centre so far.

Next up is Officer Karen Pelly, who...

...remember how bad
her sh*t was last year?

Terrible!

Hex...
hex, hex...

He...

Whoopsy.

Karen missed!
Brent won!

- I won!
- Don't feel bad, Karen.

We all knew you couldn't do it.

I am gonna blast that stupid
drone right out of the sky.

Drone?
What drone?

- No!
- Oh, don't worry, she'll never hit it.

And that's okay.
She's good at other things.

I bet she will hit it!
I'm giving 2-1.

Ha! That'll be the day!

- I'm rich!
- Aw, see, Karen?

Anyone can get lucky,
no matter how bad they are.

Dammit!
I'm too late!

Emma!

And to a lesser extent...
Brent!

I paid 1,000 bucks for that drone.

You know Hank breaks everything.
Why did you lend it to him?

- I didn't lend it to him!
- Here.

I understand if you want
to resign from Drone Club.

Great, we missed
the turkey sh**t.

- Just as he planned.
- Holy hell...

Emma!
I thought I'd lost you forever!

Hang on, how do I know you're
not a robot puppet pod from Mars?

Stop being an idiot,
or I'll boot your ass to Mars.

It's really you!

And that's really gross.

- All right, Davis, hand it over.
- This stinks.

What stinks?

I'm making Davis hand all
his winnings over to you.

The police have to be held
to a higher standard.

Gambling, destroying
private property.

But you did both those things!

Dammit!
That cost me 50 bucks!

Yeah, well, I'm not the police.

Give me 50 bucks,
and hand the rest to Brent.

Well, if it's by order of the mayor...

Cool! Now you can
buy another drone.

Why?
Drone's no good for anything.

Well, I'm having fun with mine.

- Can I have a turn?
- No.

I'm warning you, Kirk.
Keep an eye on that turkey.

He's smarter than he looks.

He'd pretty much have to be.

_

Oh, my.

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪