03x02 - Remembers Only

[bunniefuu]

[Hank] Heya, Phil.
I'm ready for another beerski.

Okay, but you're
getting a bit drunkski.

[chuckles] That's the planski.

I'm celebrating the glorious
victory of my favourite team.

Elk Valley Vultures!
Whoo!

And what's that, hockey?
Soccer?

- Bocce ball.
- You watch pro bocce ball?

Oh, no, not pro.
High school.

Elk Valley Vultures
are the Provincial

bocce ball champions!
Whoo!

Hey, Brent,
keep an eye on Hank.

- He's getting a bit goofy.
- Getting?

That horse left the
barn 30 years ago.

Hey, Ike, scootch over.
You're on my stool.

- [chuckles] How is this your stool?
- I was sitting there.

- I just went to the bathroom.
- You snooze, you lose.

I wasn't snoozing, I was peeing.

- A 20-minute pee?
- It wasn't 20, it was maybe 10.

There's a new trivia thing
above the urinal, and...

Look, it doesn't matter.
I always sit here.

Phil, tell Ike that's my stool.

Sorry, Brent.
Them's the breaks.

Uh, no, them's
are not the breaks.

Them's are not even the basic
rules of a civilized society.

Come on, pal. Have
a drink and lighten up.

Kind of weird to have
a favourite stool anyway.

But not weird to have a favourite
high school bocce ball team.

♪ You think
there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

[music]

Ridiculous.
How can someone lose their seat

because they went to the can?

Nature dictates
we have to use the bathroom.

It's an immutable law,

so you can't just steal
someone's stool

because they're in the toilet.

It's a foundational pillar
of every organized religion.

I don't recall the word "toilet"
in the Old Testament.

Well, they had different
words back then.

- It was a cubit or something.
- Ah, give it a rest.

You've been complaining
about that all day.

Normally I wouldn't care, but
you're complaining around me.

Like, where I can hear it.

[door opens]

Oh, well, lookee who's
strolling in here pleasant as pie

without a hint
of betrayer's remorse.

Just stopped in to pick up
a pack of Cucumbawumbas.

- Sorry, saving those for someone.
- What? For who?

Yeah, who else eats
cucumber-flavoured candy?

They're the best!

Cucumbawumba
are numba wumba!

They're gross. I chew one
down, but it comes up again.

I know you love them, Phil,

but I'm saving these
for another customer,

whose patronage I actually value.

I see.
This is about last night.

I have no idea to
what you are referring.

Uh-oh, you know he's mad

when he gets
grammatically correct.

Them's the breaks.

You enjoying that?

[door closes]

Wha-ha! Gaah!

Tastes like cucumber-
flavoured ear wax.

That you found in a dirty cubit?

[music]

[Karen] Okay, I'm off.
I left you a crib sheet

to help you
with the paperwork.

I don't need a crib sheet.
I have an excellent memory.

Okay, well, don't forget
there's a crib sheet right there.

My mind is like a steel trap.

- A steel colander, maybe.
- Oh, yeah?

Do you know what was the
top-selling country album of 1991?

- I do not.
- Garth Brooks's "No Fences."

Do you know what year Merle
Haggard put out his 30th album?

- It'd be weird if I did.
- 1974.

See? Steel trap.

Yes, you know a lot
about country music trivia.

That'd be helpful if we were
DJs on 98.6 "The Haystack,"

but we're cops, and sometimes
you forget cop stuff.

No, I don't.

What form gets filled out for the
equipment budget? 27-B or 27-C?

- Uh... 27-B.
- W-51.

- Crib sheet's on your desk.
- [grumbling] Trick question.

- Aah!
- Mm. Morning.

Okay, "A,"
it's almost 7:00 p.m.,

and "B,"
why are you in my house?

No, actually, "A" is
why are you in my house?

Uh, you told me if I was too
drunk to drive last night,

I could crash at your place.

We never had
any such conversation.

We didn't?
Huh, maybe I dreamed it.

You were holding
a panda bear at the time.

So you slept here last night?

How did I not see you on the
sofa when I left this morning?

I was probably still asleep
outside in your hedge.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I crawled in through a window

when the sun got hot.

Well, that's a disturbing
violation, and it's time to go.

Oh, uh, can you give me
a ride to my truck?

I left it at the bar.

Ugh. Fine, whatever speeds up
the "you leaving" part of this.

[music]

How come I always have to do
the stupid cash-out?

Just these stupid chips, I guess.

I know why I'm pissed off.
Why are you pissed off?

I have to stupid work late
and do a bunch of stupid forms,

and I can't remember what
any of the stupid forms are for

because I have a stupid memory.

Memories aren't stupid.
People are stupid.

Present company...

Whatever. Anyone can have a good memory.

- You just need to train it.
- Really? Can you teach me?

If it gets me out of here, yes.

Davis needs my help!
You have to cash out!

I was in the back.
What did you...

Wanda?
You left the cash out!

[telephone rings]

- Corner Gas.
- Brent? Phil.

I got something at the bar
I think you'll like.

Come over, and bring
the Cucumbawumbas.

This is a special exclusive area.

Nobody can go in here
except you.

Whoa, really?
That's pretty cool.

- Uh-uh...
- Oh, yeah, right.

[both sigh with satisfaction]

Hurry up, woman!
We're going to miss Happy Hour.

Doesn't matter
what time we get there,

Happy Hour ends
when you show up.

What the hell does that mean?

I just mean
that whenever we go out,

to the bar, to the Ruby,
even for groceries,

- you always cause a kerfuffle.
- I do not.

You do.
You're a kerfuffler.

I can't help it!
Some people need a good fuffling.

Everything okay here?

If it wasn't, what would
you do about it, short pants?

- I'm wearing regular pants.
- But you're short.

I'm still an officer of the law.

Not out of uniform.
[chuckling]

Who are you gonna scare
in a purple T-shirt?

See?
Not even at the bar yet,

and you're already kerfuffling.

Oh, this is cool.

I've never been
in a cop car before.

- Well, not the front seat.
- Quit fiddling.

You said you'd help me
with my memory problem.

- I already did.
- You did?

No, just a little memory humour.
[chuckling]

Okay, here's the thing,
it's easy to remember something

if you're actually
interested in it, right?

- Yeah, but cop paperwork is dull.
- I'm sure it is.

The trick is to associate it
with something you actually like.

So, what's something
you're really into?

I know a lot about country music.

Okay, give me the name of a
country song and who sings it.

Uh... "Highway Heartache"
by Elden Bucksaw.

Elden Bucksaw?
Yeesh, never stood a chance.

Okay, now what's something

you have a hard time
remembering at work?

Hmm... I always forget
to send in the mileage report

- at the end of the month.
- Well, that's an easy one.

Associate the word "Highway" from
"Highway Heartache" with mileage.

- Highway, mileage... get it?
- Uh-huh.

...and the name Elden
is like "all done."

As in, "you're all done
with the mileage for the month."

Hey, I could do that.
That's great!

Give me another one.

Okay, but first, you got
keys for these, right?

Stop fiddling with stuff.

[music]

Okay, thanks again for
letting me crash at your place.

I didn't let you,
but you're welcome.

And thanks for helping me

solve my "how to get
back to my truck" problem.

My house is six blocks
from the bar,

so it wasn't much of a problem.

- Anyway, I'm gonna scoot.
- Oh, hang on.

New problem.
I don't have my keys.

[groans]

Where's the last place
you remember having them?

If I knew that,
we wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm not in this mess.

It wasn't my idea
for you to get drunk last night,

or leave your truck here.

Although once you had
the "get drunk" idea,

the "leaving your truck"
was a good idea.

They're not inside the headlight.

Why would your keys
be inside the headlight?

I don't know.

You said "idea,"
I thought "lightbulb."

Wow.
Well, I'll leave you to it.

And if I can't find my keys,
I'll just crash at your place again!

[tires squealing]

- We're finding your keys.
- Thanks. I appreciate your help.

Well, it's easier than
installing bars on my windows.

[music]

[music]

What's this?
Some kind of art thing?

You being punished?

- What'd you do?
- It just so happens

I have my very own
private exclusive bar area.

Cool. Can we come in?

If you correctly answer
this skill-testing question.

- What does the word "exclusive" mean?
- Oh.

You mind if we just
stand here and watch you?

I do kind of, yeah.

- What can I get you?
- I'll have a whisky and ginger.

I'll have a beer, unless
Officer Blondie over there

- wants to check my I.D.?
- No, I'm pretty sure

you're over the
legal drinking age,

by a half century or so.

You okay? You look like
your shorts are too tight.

Not to be indelicate, but it's
Trivia Night at Club Urinal.

- What?
- I have to pee,

but I'm afraid
if I go to the bathroom,

somebody will jump in here
and usurp my seat.

I could stand guard if you like.

- Hmm, out of uniform?
- What is with you people?

I am more than a uniform,

I am a highly trained
peace officer,

regardless of what I'm wearing.

- Hey, what's in here? Ow!
- That's off limits.

Wow.
Point taken.

You're on guard.
I'll be right back.

I just want to go in there.

Yeah, well,
you're not allowed.

- Why not?
- I don't actually know why not,

but I know this...
take a hike.

The rest of you,

you're blocking
the main thoroughfare here.

Everybody stand to one side.
Now!

[murmuring]

[scoffs]
Purple T-shirt, my ass.

Would it be easier for me
to make memory associations

with country music
titles or lyrics?

How should I know?
I hate country music.

What? How can you
hate country music?

Pretty simple, really.

Listen to a song or two,
and boom... hate it.

What do you hate about it?

The deeply stirring
grassroots poetry

that holds a rearview mirror
up to our souls?

The forlorn fondling
of the human heart?

The rich nasal twang
that tickles the...

- [police siren blasts] Aah!
- Whoa! Cool!

Which button was that?

- You have to stop playing with...
- Aah!

Oh, the one marked "siren."
Well, that makes sense.

Wow, Karen. You kept
everyone out. I'm impressed.

- Hey, Brent.
- What the hell?

Do you know
where Hank's keys are?

- I rescind my praise.
- I assumed you'd want Lacey in.

I'd appreciate it
if you asked me first.

Brent, can Lacey access
your special area?

I'd also appreciate it if you
worded that differently, but yes.

Don't worry,
I know how this works

from my club days in the city.

Hey, Phil, a couple of
drinks for the VIP section?

- My tab.
- Ooh, VIP.

I hadn't heard it put
in those words before.

They're more like letters.

♪ Been ten years ♪

♪ But I know what I know
sure as hell ♪

♪ That ol' dog was sweeter ♪

♪ Than puddin' in a pie shell... ♪

[sniffing]

[crying]

Okay, clearly
this horrendous song

- strikes a weird chord with you.
- Horrendous?

The song's name
is "My Pal, Puddin'"

- The dog is Puddin'.
- The dog's worm food.

He said it's been 10 years.

Anyway, what's something
in your paperwork

you could connect to it?

[sniffling]

I don't know.
This is really hard.

Can't I just let the music
flow through me

- and fuel my delicate soul?
- No! We're here to work.

[clattering]

How am I supposed to concentrate
when you're wearing that?

Would it help
if I put the visor up?

[breathing like Darth Vader]

It would help if you
stopped breathing like that.

[in deep voice]
"Luke... who's your Daddy?"

[groans]

- What are you looking for?
- Hank's keys!

- I told you that.
- Ah, sorry, I was distracted

by how long
that line is getting.

You're gonna have to start
letting people in.

Am I the only one
that knows what the word

- "exclusive" means?
- That's how this works.

You let just enough people in
to get the crowd's hopes up,

but you leave the majority
outside looking in

to create hype,
but no riff-raff.

Well, I don't know
who's riff and who's raff.

Karen, you can let one more
person into the VIP section,

but be selective.

You double-fisting
tonight, Mavis?

One of these is for Brent...
if I get inside.

[chuckles]
Well played.

- [crunching]
- Those barbecue?

Mm, the rye in the VIP section
tastes way better.

It's the exact same rye.

I know, but this is spiked
with justice. Right, Lanny?

Lanny? Really?

Hey, Karen,
I'm a little stumped

by your vetting process.

[full mouth] Don't tell me
how to do my job.

[soft country music playing]

Okay, let's see
if your memory's improving.

What's this song about?

Driving Highway 431
through Tennessee.

Right, and what should
this remind you to do?

Well, 431 is a date,

and "Tennessee"
sounds like "10-AC," so...

I need to submit form 10-AC
by April 31st!

Congratulations!
None of that is correct.

- April doesn't even have 31 days.
- Aw, this is useless.

You just need to focus.

I think I can help.

Now you don't have to
pay attention to the road.

- I actually think this is illegal.
- Is it?

What's the police code
for the law we're breaking?

- Uh...
- I'll keep driving until you figure it out.

Technically... there's no
speed limit for us, right?

Not if we're in pursuit of...
Whoa!

Wow, that's a long line.

We're not lining up to
talk to our own idiot son.

Oh, great, Captain
Kerfuffle's on the case.

Outta the way, crumb lips.

- I want to talk to that jackass.
- No can do.

Yes can do.
Just open the rope.

- [slap]
- Hey!

Emma, I'd be okay
letting you in,

- but not with the company you keep.
- The company?

She happens to be Vice
President of this company.

We don't need this.
Come on, Emma.

Right behind you.

- Hey, Mom, what's up?
- Hank, is that my purse?

Just checking to see
if I dropped my keys in here.

I remember going through it
last night looking for gum.

We really need to start
talking about boundaries.

...and your choice of gum flavours.

Ugh. I give up.
I can't find my keys anywhere!

Is it possible they're not lost?

- Maybe you gave them to someone?
- Yes! I did do that!

- Mystery solved!
- Great!

- Who did you give them to?
- Uh... New mystery!

Oscar, were you here last night?

I gave my keys to someone,
and I don't remember who.

What kind of a moron
gives someone his keys,

and then doesn't
have the brains to even...

Dammit, Emma's right.

- I am a kerfuffler.
- A what? Oh...

That's all right,
I kerfuffled earlier too.

In a crowd, no one can tell who did it.

Does anyone have my keys?

[mouth full] This job is great.

You get to drive around all day,
eatin' donuts, doin' donuts.

[tires screech]

Knock it off, I'm getting sick.

It's hard enough to make
these country music connections.

What does a ghost truck driver
have to do with police work?

[brakes screech]

The trucker was a ghost?

I thought the hitchhiker
was a ghost.

That was four songs ago.

Hey, should those
teenagers be out at night

- tipping over PlastiPottys?
- At night? No.

They just need a firm talking to.
I'll take care of it.

I mean, nothing
from these songs connects.

"My wife left me,
and she took my truck."

What does that have to do
with urinating in public?

Okay, kids, time to wrap it up.

[shouts of protest]

Hey, now!
[door slams]

[teens laughing and taunting]

[muffled] Okay, kids,
time to let me out.

Kids? Kids?

Kids!
[banging on door]

[gasps] Wanda!
Maybe the truck is the ghost.

I gotta play that again.

Let me out!
This cubit reeks!

Are all VIP sections this loud?

Aw, thanks, but I ate earlier.

What do you mean,
I'm getting burlier?

[splashing]
Oops, sorry.

Come on, Lanny,
that's the good rye.

You're getting
justice juice everywhere.

Lacey, hand me a napkin.

Lacey?
Well, now, where did she...

[grumbling] This is
abuse of my private area.

Well, you took
your sweet time.

- Where you been?
- Nowhere fun.

I'd rather be here with you.

Can I get you folks
another round?

About time!
I've been sitting here for...

a while now, yeah,

and you look like you're
having a busy night, and...

I'll have another drink
when you have a minute.

Are you kidding me?

I've been holding this
empty glass for a half hour.

Would it k*ll you
to hire some help,

- you cheapskate?
- Yeah, you tell 'em, baby!

Mrs. Kerfuffle is on the case!

I learned from the master.

- Aw, that's sweet.
- Gaah! What the hell?

Emma, did I
give you my keys?

- No. Did I give you a b*ating?
- No.

I will if you don't get lost.

Karen, you're not doing
a very good job

of keeping people out.

- Do you think it's the T-shirt?
- I swear to... No.

Brent told me
to let everyone in.

He did?
Why would he want everyone...

Ah...
I see what you did.

- Very clever.
- Yep. I'm always thinking ahead.

How long have you
been planning this?

- About a minute and a half.
- So not too far ahead. [chuckles]

I've talked to everyone,
and no one has my keys.

Hmm, well, everyone
who was here last night

is here now, except Wanda.

Wanda!
That's it!

- Where is she?
- I dunno.

Another mystery!

I'm like Sherlock Holmes
and Scooby-Doo

- rolled into one.
- Except they solve mysteries.

You get drunk and create them.

Otherwise, very similar.

[music]
Well, that didn't work.

I know.
It's all fun and games

until you get a pant-full
of sewage...

- that's not your own.
- No, I'm talking about your system.

It hasn't improved
my memory at all.

I just want to listen
to Elden Hacksaw

and not have to think
about work.

Hacksaw? I thought you
said his name was Bucksaw.

Great, now I can't even

remember facts
about country music.

Your stupid method
ruined my memory.

It's not my fault
your brain's corrupted

with all that dumb country junk.

This method has worked
on monkeys.

[knocks]

Hey, Wanda, I gave you
my keys last night.

No, you didn't.

Or... hang on...

[slurring] Here.
Hold my keys till tomorrow,

and don't let me forget.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

- So where are they?
- Uh... I don't remember.

What's that?
You don't remember?

Now who's the dumb country
monkey, huh? [chuckles]

Wait, I think I have that song.

[playing track]
♪ She's my little country monkey ♪

♪ Boop-boop ♪

♪ Bourbon and bananas ♪

♪ and her fur-lined pyjamas
at the zoo ♪

♪ Boop-boo! ♪

- How was work?
- Aah! What are you doing here?

I'm looking for Hank's keys.

He gave them
to me last night,

and I'm retracing his steps.

If you had them, why are
you retracing his steps?

Because...
I don't know!

I can't think.
Put on some country music.

How about I put on some coffee?

♪ She's puttin' on some coffee ♪

♪ Some bourbon and bananas ♪

♪ And fur-lined pyjamas... ♪

Wait, if you haven't
found the keys yet,

- then where's...
- Lacey, do you have any bath bombs?

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
- ♪ I don't know ♪