03x10 - The Fat and The Furious

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

It's as hot
as a pizza oven in here.

Why do we have so much glass?

Is this a gas station
or a grow-op?

- Are you listening to me?
- Not really.

If you want me to focus,
don't say the word "pizza."

I hear "pizza,"
and my mind starts to...

- Yeah, there it goes.
- This is ridiculous!

27 windows,
and none of them open!

27's a bit
of an exaggeration.

There's only...

Holy crap, 27 windows!

Well, you know
what they say,

when God closes 20 or 30
windows, he opens a door.

Or you could open a door.

The door air
wafts right over the pumps.

It's like a diesel-scented
air freshener.

Well, you know what they say,

the devil's in the diesel.
So use the fan.

- Problem solved.
- Great. Blow hot air in my face.

Now it's a convection
pizza oven.

Here I go.

Oops!

- Ah...
- Hey! You broke that on purpose!

Well, you know what they say...

move your ass,
you're blocking my breeze.

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

- Four?
- No.

- Five?
- Nope.

- Six?
- No.

I can't believe
you haven't seen

any of the "Quick and Angry"
movies!

- Seven?
- No.

Unless...
which one was Judi Dench in?

- None.
- That's the one I saw.

I wish Quick and Angry 9

was showing
on a big screen somewhere.

Grimm Petrol
drives into a pyramid

to steal King Tut's esophagus,

but his car gets possessed,

and then repossessed.

- You're sure Judi Dench isn't in this?
- Yeah, pretty sure.

Oops.
You cut it 9 x 12

instead of 12 x 9.
Better go get a new one.

I thought this might happen.

So I brought a 9 x 12
and a 12 x 9.

Amazing.
You're so stupid,

you almost circle back
to clever.

I can't believe
you washed the car.

I even did the inside.

Put a faux treatment
on the faux leather.

Mm. There's something about
a clean car that I find so...

sexy.

Holy Hanna Barbera!

You should watch
a Quick and Angry with me.

That'd be a quick way
to make me angry.

Do you know you have
a broken window?

We're talking through it,
so... yes.

May as well pay for gas
while we're here.

Oh, and give me
a scratch and win ticket

and some breath mints.

Paying at the window
reminds me of the old days

at the drive-in.

- I think you mean "drive-through"?
- Drive-in,

drive-through,
drive-by.
All I know is

we had some good times
in the back seat,

- eh, Emma?
- Clean car, drive-in memories.

Gimme a kiss.

Okay, have a mint,
and then gimme a kiss,

- you sexy old fox.
- Aah! Could you and fox-breath

play tonsil hockey
somewhere else?

You're fouling up my fresh air.

A drive-in, eh?

I'll bring that right out.
Oh!

- Sorry, Brent, are you okay?
- Am I okay?

Wow. She bounced off Brent
like a twig off an elephant.

Brent doesn't weigh
4,000 pounds.

Probably not even close to that.

I wonder what he does weigh?

- I'd say he's mid 200s, max.
- Depends on his density.

What's he made out of?

Hey, enough with
the fat-shaming!

Unbelievable.
Sure, Brent's a little pudgy.

Sure, he jiggles
when he laughs,

or when he's completely still
and a truck drives by,

but people should be judged
for who they are,

not what they weigh.
It's not a crime to be fat.

- Shame on you!
- We didn't say he was fat.

We were just wondering
how much he weighs.

They're right.

In fact, you're the only one
who used the word "fat."

Twice.
And then you said "shame."

You're the one
who's fat-shaming.

- I, uh...
- Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Hey, everybody, look!
It's... it's Hank!

Wait a minute.

Why aren't you at the gas
station fixing the window?

Oh, uh, bit of a setback.

In Quick and Angry 6,
Grimm is hypnotized,

and every time he hears
the word "wind chimes,"

he turns into
a fighting machine.

Oops.

What did I say
about gesturing wildly

- while spoiling movies?
- I don't spoil movies!

I enhance them by telling
you what happens next.

Yeah, you're like descriptive
video played backwards.

Wait, did that make sense?
Sounded like a joke.

Anyway, Oscar and Emma
were smooching

and talking about the drive-in,

and then it hit me,

we should do
a drive-in movie night.

We could hang sheets
on the garage

right here in the parking lot.

If Mom and Dad
were getting all lovey-dovey

talking about it,
then it's a bad idea.

I think a movie night
would be great for the town.

Besides, look how cute
Oscar and Emma are.

Ew!
Where's a water hose?

Word in the john is Hank's
organizing a drive-in movie.

I've heard of those.
Aren't they like a rave?

- Or a speakeasy?
- More like a fight club with cars.

Drive-ins
are a parking lot of crime

under the guise
of family entertainment.

A pressure cooker of sex,
dr*gs, alcohol.

- Carbs.
- Sounds awesome.

Awesome?

Do you not notice
how boring our jobs are?

We spent yesterday

trying to catch a mouse
in the equipment room.

And we will track
that rat bastard

- to the ends of the earth.
- Mouse bastard.

So about this drive-in,
is there g*n-play?

What's the big deal
about a drive-in movie?

I'll think about it.

In the meantime,
fix my window.

I told you, I broke the glass.

What about the backup piece?

and every time he hears
the word "wind chimes,"

he turns into
a fighting machine.

Oops.

Maybe I can make
that back-up piece fit.

Where did I put it?

Here it is.
Wind chimes!

Hai! Oh...

- You broke the window again?
- I just yelled a word.

Dorkus went all Judi
Dench on the window.

- Judi Dench?
- So, about the drive-in?

Fine, you can have
your movie night.

Wanda!
We get a movie night!

Oh, Wanda's not going.

She's going to be here,
selling snacks

through her breezy
drive-through window.

That's not fair.

Life isn't fair.
"Wind chimes."

- Hai!
- Ouch! Hey!

What?
I just yelled a word.

I told your parents
about drive-in night,

and they were so excited,

they couldn't keep
their hands off each other.

- Eugh, I forgot about them.
- Yeah.

I wonder how much of the
movie they're gonna watch.

- I hope they stretch first.
- Okay, gross.

They better take precautions,

or you could end up with
a little sister or brother.

I get what you're doing.

You're trying
to k*ll my appetite.

This is all part
of your fat-shaming.

I am not fat-shaming.
You want lunch?

I'll bring you a chili cheese dog.

Oh, so you just assume
fatty wants a hotdog.

You have one every day?

Sometimes two?
Fine.

You want the special?
It's a Cobb salad.

Sure, because fatty's fat,
he should eat a salad.

Since you're all here.

I think now would be
a good time

to decide on a movie
for drive-in night.

I vote for
something romantic.

Nope.
Veto that.

- Or steamy.
- And that.

Anything with
Julia Roberts in it.

Oh, sure, pick the
actress with zero body fat.

Like there's only one
actress with zero body fat.

Okay, I've heard
all your suggestions.

Unfortunately, I only have nine

movies that play on my Blu-ray system.

Let me guess,

The Quick and Angry...
1 through 9.

Why did you make us
go through all that

if you only have nine movies?

So you'd feel like
you're involved.

Hank, just pick a movie,

before my parents forget
they're in public.

Quick and Angry 4.

The car chase on the Staten
Island Ferry is insane.

You just spoiled...
Pick again!

Fine.
Quick and Angry 5.

I won't even tell you

which of the Stallone
brothers makes a cameo.

Not one request for a cop movie.

They can't even
agree on a movie.

This town is a powder keg.

- Gimme another drink, Phil.
- Are you sure?

Alcohol
slows the metabolism,

and word in the john is

you're concerned
about your weight.

Oh, that?
I'm just messing with Lacey.

I'm fat-shame-shaming her.

You know
she's right behind you.

Ah!
Good one.

Had me going there.

I noticed that you don't
have the calories displayed

for your meal items.

Way to make it easy on us
plus-sized individuals.

Oh, you don't have to worry
about the calories.

I've already made
a special breakfast for you.

I call it "Jerky Brent's
Fatty-Fat Tubby Breakfast."

I heard what you said to
Phil at the bar last night.

Making fun of me
for wanting to protect you.

I was just having a little fun
because you were

more concerned about my weight
than I was.

- So you're not concerned at all?
- I don't even have a scale.

Everyone should know
how much they weigh,

for health reasons.

I imagine my weight
hasn't changed much

since high school.
Probably around 190.

- Um, hmm... really?
- Yeah.

Look, if you're so curious,

- we can go use your scale.
- I don't have a scale.

Oh, sure, fatty should
have a scale,

but Little Miss...

I know where the most
accurate scale in town is.

Also, do you mind
if we come along?

We have a small wager going.

Well, if it isn't my
wonderful, amazing son.

Well, that's the sound
a red flag makes.

- What's up, Dad?
- I was just wondering

if I could borrow your car.

Something wrong with yours?

No. I'm taking your
mother to the drive-in,

and I want to impress her
with a hot car.

Stoke the fires.

- Aw, that's sweet.
- To pay you back,

I'll wash it
and clean the interior.

Aw, that's gross.

No! A clean car also
gets her motor running.

I'm not giving you my car,

and leave Mom's motor alone.

Let's go, Lacey,

before I throw up
my breakfast sundae.

There.
All packed.

All right.
Enjoy your vacation.

Vaca...
This is riot gear!

Batons, stun g*ns, flak jackets?

Everything we need

to control the perimeter
of the drive-in.

I even watched
Escape from New York

to get the juices flowing.

A grain elevator scale?

It's the most accurate scale
in town.

Now, Ike just weighed your car.

Now I'll get in,
and they'll weigh it again.

Then they'll subtract
the weight of the car,

and voilá...
190 pounds.

Hopefully this will
satisfy you all,

and stop the endless
fat-shaming from Lacey.

Just messin' with ya.

You wanna mess with me?

I'll mess with you right back.

Brent lent you his car?

Even better.
I stole it.

Oscar, you bad boy.
Tell me more.

- I'm not wearing underwear.
- Tell me less.

Lacey's car
weighs 3,310 pounds.

With Brent in it,
it weighs 3,553.

According to my calculator...

- I know, 190.
- ... 240 pounds.

Whoo-hoo!
Nailed it.

What? That can't be right.

But you're okay
with that, right?

You said yourself
you're not concerned

- about your weight.
- I'm-I'm not!

Just... you know, maybe
run those numbers again.

You know how wrong
calculators can be.

Aw, I did make a mistake.
You weigh 243.

Oh...

- Whoo-hoo!
- Dammit!

I bet it was
the breakfast sundae.

- Notice anything?
- You smell?

Wait, why can I smell you?
Where's my fresh air?

You fixed my window?

- You son of a...
- Before you go all psycho bananas,

I have something to show you.

I set up a table
so you can sell snacks

- and watch the movie.
- Oh. Thank you.

I couldn't let you miss it,

especially the part
where Grimm...

Thank you and shut up!

- We're early.
- What do we do now?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Cat nap?
- You got it, sugar lips.

Can I uncross my arms?

My hands are falling asleep.

It's important
to establish dominance.

Do you smell that?

- Popcorn?
- No. Tension.

But also popcorn.

Let's get some popcorn.

It's hard
to establish dominance

- when you're eating popcorn.
- Cut it out, rookie.

This parking lot
is our b*ttlefield.

These families, our foes.

They look
pretty harmless to me.

Darkness changes everything.

Danger lurks every...

Ow!
You're slapping too hard.

Won, have you seen Brent?

I've been texting,
and he's not responding.

Consider yourself lucky.

He's in a real foul mood.

No. I hope he's not upset
about the weigh-in.

Weigh-in?
That would explain a lot.

This is our celebrity
diet section.

You have
your Avril Lavigne Cuisines.

Drake's Flakes
Breakfast Bowl.

Andrea Martin
Heart-Smarten meals.

Why are you showing me
the diet section?

It's because I'm fat, isn't it?

- You asked me to!
- Yeah, because I'm fat, Won!

Oh... that's not good.

I'm telling you, you're gonna
flip when you see this movie.

Not likely.
It's nice what you did here,

but smash 'em-up movies
aren't really my thing.

Not a lot
of character development.

I dunno,
it showed a lot of character

when Grimm drove backwards
on two wheels

through that emergency room

to get his girlfriend's arm
sewn back on.

Oops, sorry,
I'm spoiling it again.

Can't spoil it if I don't care.

- I'm just happy to be outside.
- We'll see. Showtime.

Oh, there you are.
I lost you at the weigh-in.

- Lanny kept hugging me.
- I walked home,

which I guess is a good thing,

since I could stand
to lose a few pounds.

- What are you drinking?
- It's a diet drink.

Andrea Martin
Heart-Smarten Protein Cola.

The commercials
are kinda catchy.

♪ Well, fame is terrific ♪

♪ I won't sneeze at wealth ♪

♪ But nothing else matters ♪

♪ If you don't have your health ♪

♪ It's all about balance ♪

♪ And it's not what you weigh ♪

♪ Try an Andrea Martin
Heart-Smarten ♪

♪ Full meal in a can ♪

♪ Today! ♪

Ugh, that's terrible!

That last line has about
11 syllables too many,

and come on,
"I won't sneeze at wealth"?

Who wrote this,
Zero Mostel's grandmother?

I have something to confess.

I decided to mess with you,

and I placed a bag of grain
on the scale

when you were getting weighed.

- So I'm not 240 pounds?
- It's 243, and no.

So can we please stop
messing with each other?

Come to the drive-in with me.

You bet.
Just let me finish my drink.

These are expensive.

Andrea Martin must make
a k*lling off this stuff.

Okay, 800, 850, 900, 950...

Wait, hang on,
why are these $50 bills red?

Wait, am I being paid
in Canadian money?

Wha... Seriously?

Ugh, this day just gets
better and better.

Get those sand horses
out of the way!

We're under att*ck!

The movie...

- it's already started.
- Oh.

All righty, then.
I'll go get some snacks.

Actually, I have
something else in mind.

Wipe the drool off your chin
and come here,

you dozy dreamboat.

I want candy and popcorn.

- You can't have both.
- But I want both!

Hey, Grade School,
take it down a notch.

You want candy and popcorn?

I want three weeks vacation!
Not gonna happen.

My advice?
Avoid the candy. Because...

the last thing you want
is a sugar high

when all hell breaks loose.

- Excuse us.
- There's a storm a-comin'!

Y'all best be on the
right side when it hits!

You wanna dial it back
there a little?

- You promised me action!
- Relax. It'll come.

Not that I care,
but if I was Grimm,

I wouldn't trust the guy
with the eyepatch.

He just...
Don't get in the car, Grimm!

He cut your brake line!

This movie
is cheap Hollywood trash.

How much for popcorn
and a drink?

Huh?
Eight bucks.

Can you change a ten?

Does no one have
exact change?!

My word is my bond.

What happened?
Grimm invested in bonds?

No, no.

He agreed to escort
the drug lord's daughter

out of the country,

even though he knows
there's an ambush waiting

- at the border.
- He knows about the ambush?

Good!

...is what someone might say
if they cared.

Okay, what happened

while you were telling me
what happened?

- How much for the gummy chews?
- Honour system!

This is just as boring
as any other night.

Oh, there's trouble afoot
if you dig a little deeper.

Follow me.

Evening, folks.

Noticed you handing something
back and forth between cars.

Nothing illegal, I hope.

- Like dr*gs?
- We're sharing jelly beans.

Oh. These cars are parked
a little too close for comfort.

Ravi, is Won crowding you?

Actually, I am getting
a little irritated.

See, Karen?
Powder keg.

You're distracting us
from the movie.

And Karen's
blocking the screen.

- Ah, you're in a better mood.
- I am, now that I know

I'm actually 190 pounds.

Well, I didn't say
you were 190.

The grain bag on the scale

definitely didn't weigh 53 pounds.

- 20, tops.
- So I weigh... 223 pounds?!

- Why would you tell me that?
- I'm sorry.

Look, it's probably
just water weight

from all the sodium
in that protein pop.

Maybe.
I did drink five of them.

There you go.

Mind you, you didn't drink
those until after the weigh-in.

Wow, you are terrible
at consoling people.

- I think I'll go for a walk.
- Brent, wait!

Grimm, wait!

Who moved my car?

Here comes the big moment.

Hey, who's in my...

My eyes!
My eyes!

Oh, grow up.

What the hell happened?

Where is the movie?

This isn't funny, Hank!

I want my money back!

- You didn't pay anything!
- Then we want free snacks.

Hey! You can't have those!

No?
Well, we can throw 'em!

The spark...

- Let's get the hell outta here.
- It's Pelly time!

Brent!
What happened?

Parents... embracing.

Limbs entwined like snakes.

Officer Kick-Ass at your service.

- I hate bottled water!
- Put that back!

- Wind chimes!
- Ho!

- Ha...
- Whoa!

Ha! That'll teach you to...

Oops.

It's amazing
how some people change

when there's a crisis.

Phew, you think
you know people.

Yeah.
You think you know people.

Um, I feel bad

that things got
a little crazy last night,

and I think an apology
is owed to everyone.

- Lacey?
- Me? W-Why should I apologize?

You started this all
with the fat-shaming.

If that hadn't happened,

I wouldn't have been upset,
gone to my car,

and seen that-which-will-
never-be-mentioned-again,

which made me wreck the projector.

Why are you freaking out?
We were fully clothed.

I saw part of your bra strap.

Look, everyone
just wants to know

how the movie ends.

I mean, I don't,
but these sheep.

Oh, well, that's easy.

We can watch it
on the screen at the bar.

Yes! Now we...
They can find out...

if Grimm survives
going over the cliff.

He's not even in the car.

He jumped at the last minute,

punched out the body guard,
and escaped to Fiji

with the drug lord's daughter.

Oh.
Did I do it again?

It's Pelly time!

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

- ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
- ♪ I don't know ♪