05x04 - Dark Circles

[bunniefuu]

? I can't afford-- I'm doin' you a favour.

But no discount unless you order boxes.

No. What I want is-- boxes, you got it.

Nice doin' business with you, buddy boy.

Did that guy just wink at me?

You got off easy. Sometimes he pats my bum.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Who is that guy?

Ah, he's just some pushy salesman.

Oh, all kinds of stuff. What does he sell?

Okay, I don't really know.

I said he's pushy.

So you just bought boxes of something and you don't even know what?

Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm not wearing my work shirt?

'Cause that guy told you not to?

It slipped off the hook, into the garbage,

then the dumpster and hauled away.

Brent, I'm more concerned about you getting pushed around by this guy.

Yeah, I ordered a new one. It should be here soon.

Okay. Are you-are you just makin' up my side of this conversation?

A little hungry, yeah.

You can start in the hall upstairs.

Who's that?

Robert Redford.

Bologna.

Wait! That's a painter, isn't it?

You hired a painter.

You said we were gonna talk about this first. And we did.

I'm getting a painter for upstairs.

We're not gettin' any painting done, and that's final.

See? We talked about it.

The paint fumes make me queasy.

If you go ahead with this,

I'm gonna find somewhere else to sleep.

If that's a thr*at, you should make it less appealing.

Hey, is Brent around?

I've gotta talk to him about somethin'.

Okay, then. Off you go.

Yeah, it's, uh, kind of a secretive thing.

Okay, then. Off you go.

I'd tell you too, Wanda, but every time I tell you about my plans--

not that this is a plan, necessarily--

but, you know, you make fun of me.

That's not fair.

I don't just make fun of your plans.

I make fun of your clothes, and your truck.

I make fun of how broke you are and the stupid things you say,

and the weird smell that comes off ya sometimes.

Don't I?

True.

So you'll have to admit,

I'm pretty fair and well rounded about it.

Yeah, okay, you got a point there.

I'm sorry I came down so hard on ya.

Apology accepted.

Hey, I gotta talk to ya.

Me too. You wanna buy boxes of something?

bucks.

No. My turn. I was watching TV last night and they showed

how people make those UFO crop circles. Interesting.

even. That's less than my cost.

Look, I don't want to buy-- what's in the boxes again?

Probably something awesome.

Damn. I would, but I'm broke.

Don't tell Wanda. She'll make fun of me.

Anyway, I'm gonna fake some UFO crop circles tonight

and freak people out. You want in?

Intriguing. How do we do it?

Well, we-- You lost me.

Listen, I gotta sleep at your place for a while.

Why?

Everything okay?

If it was okay, I wouldn't have to find somewhere else to sleep.

Not exactly detective material, are ya?

If you need a favour from someone,

maybe you should insult that person less.

Come on, it'll be fun, like a sleep-around.

Why can't you sleep at home?

Just the thought of stayin' there makes me queasy.

I'll see ya at suppertime.

I eat at six.

What was that about?

I think Oscar and Emma may be splitting up.

Harsh.

Hey, they were out of popsicles, so I got you a creamsicle.

That's all you have to say about this?

What? Would you rather have a fudgesicle?

A divorce?

Oscar and Emma?

Wow, that's a real bombshell.

You see?

That's an appropriate response, sadness and outrage.

Oh, I'm not outraged. I'm not even sure if I'm sad.

Maybe it's the best thing for them.

Anyway, the soup today is mushroom.

Is there a sandwich special?

How can you eat at a time like this? So nothing for you?

I just had a creamsicle... and a fudgesicle.

Anyways, until we know for sure, I don't want either of you

spreadin' this around.

Kaputski. Emma kicked him to the curb.

It's heartbreaking. Don't be such a sap.

Do you have any idea what it'd be like to live with Oscar?

I'm about to find out.

Emma put in years. In minutes,

you'll be thinkin' of places to hide a body.

Oh, they just argue out of habit.

They'd be lost without each other.

I packed my bag and I'm leavin'.

You thought I wouldn't do it.

I thought you left an hour ago.

Yeah, they're a couple of star-crossed lovebirds.

Has anybody even thought about what this will do to Brent?

Let's find out.

Hey, Brent, you hear your parents are splitsville?

I got real problems.

Check this out. They made my shirt the wrong colour.

Hey, Karen.

Did you see those weird lights over at Booch's farm last night?

No. What kinda lights?

Weird ones, you know, in the sky, flying,

yet unidentifiable, presumably from some objects.

You mean like UFOs?

Oh-ho-ho, hey.

Hey, hey, where'd that come from?

What time was this?

Eight. I-I mean no-no, like later, midnight.

I mean, uh, you know, I don't know.

Because, uh, come-come to think of it, um,

my watched stopped workin'. Weird.

You should check it out.

Well, I don't know anything about watches,

but okay, let's take a look.

No. No, not my watch.

Check out the field, look into it,

you know, like a cop would do.

Are the fumes botherin' ya?

Oh, no, the fumes aren't bothering me.

It's all these bats.

Uh, are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Oooh,

but this spaghetti is awful.

I'm outta paper towels, so could you go and get more?

I'm doing a crossword, so could you talk less?

I'm serious. We need paper towels out there.

For what? It wouldn't be the first time someone in this town

wiped their hands on their pants.

Could you just go and grab some paper towels?

Yeah, you bet.

I'll do it now.

Hey.

Ah!

Right from the carton, like bein' on vacation.

Oh, did you want that?

Well, kinda.

But-but that's okay.

I know this is a difficult time for you.

Yeah. I hate mornings.

New shirt, huh?

Hawk-eye.

You like it in black, like that?

A shirt's a shirt.

You okay?

I will be when I get this baby.

A ' 'Cuda with a six pack and a p*stol grip four-speed.

Mm-hmm. I didn't know you were into hot rods.

There's plenty you don't know about me.

[chuckles]

DAVIS: Hey, Emma.

Oh.

How ya doin'?

Oh.

Okay, I guess.

Be honest. This is getting to ya, isn't it?

Well, maybe just a little.

But it'll be worth it in the long run.

You know, uh, Oscar's really upset about this.

It'll be all right.

You'll see...

both of you.

Maybe the fumes are getting to me.

Have you noticed anything odd about Brent?

A -year-old dude who reads comic books,

he has pound head, his nose whistles.

How much time ya got?

Oh, you know, he just, he seems different lately.

He's not his usual happy-go-lucky...

well, goofy-go-lucky...

goofy-go-lazy...well,

you know, he-he's just not himself.

And honestly, I find this new black-shirt Brent

to be a little unnerving.

[chuckles] Okay, Glinda Goodwitch. It's just a shirt.

No need to be scared of it. [chuckles]

The bathrooms are dirty.

Sorry, Brent. I'll get on it right away.

Hey.

Anyone mention those mysterious crop circles

over at Booch's farm, huh?

Karen's gonna be freaked out. I made 'em last night.

It's the middle of May.

I mean, if you want to make crop circles, don't you need a crop?

There's crops, kinda.

You spent the night makin' dirt circles.

I can't wait for crops. I wanna freak people out now.

So pretend to read a book. Huh?

You don't have to do much to rattle people.

I'm wearin' this new shirt.

Suddenly everybody's edgy and nervous around me.

I'm playin' it up, being all sullen and aloof like the Fonz.

Oh. What kinda book?

Doesn't matter.

Just make sure you're holdin' it right side up.

It sounds complicated. I'm stickin' with the UFO thing.

OSCAR: What the hell are you doin'?

Oh, hey. Yeah.

Uh, Davis called, said his lawn was too tall

and he needed me to flatten it out for him in a--

in a mysterious pattern.

It's a circle.

You freaked out?

I'm callin' the cops.

Does Davis know you're wearin' his pants?

KAREN: Sorry, official complaint. Gotta make it official.

You should put these on behind my back.

Otherwise I could wrap 'em around your neck or somethin'.

But then I'd sh**t you.

Oh, right.

Well, relax. I was just sayin'.

It was cloudy this morning, but it looks like it's clearing up.

Whoopty-ding.

Pardon? You heard me.

Drool much?

I am not drooling.

Whatever you say, Drooley.

But you like this new Bad-Boy Brent, don't ya?

Brent, a bad boy?

The same Brent who won't eat crunchy peanut butter because,

and I quote, "It feels lumpish and bumply"?

That was Blue-Shirt Brent.

Black-Shirt Brent would each crunchy peanut butter

right off a spoon, no bread.

He's a bad boy and you like it.

Oh, as if.

Look, I am a grown woman.

I'm not some freckly-faced girl in junior high.

Really? Because you just used the phrase, "as if."

Oh, what-ever!

I mean gimme a little credit.

Drooley.

Cop station's back that way.

I'm taking you to clean up that fake crop circle you burnt into Booch's field.

I can't believe I fell for that.

Yeah, pretty good, huh? [chuckles]

Wait. I didn't burn a circle in Booch's field.

Well, if you didn't, then-- Then what?

Hey, you don't think--

Think? Think what?

Oh, my God!

Karen, you won't believe what I'm about to tell ya!

That aliens made the burn marks?

No. But that does make more sense.

Davis, what are you doing?

Extraterrestrial visitors. Those are their markings.

I don't think we need to-- Karen, I want you to get the RCMP down here right away.

Tell them we got a -.

Parking violation?

By aliens.

We got scorch marks

and some kinda strange metal.

Hank, not too close! There could be radiation.

Oh, and radiation.

Come on, there's no radiation.

I can't plant my crops in a field full of radiation.

You'd probably get giant carrots and tomatoes.

Radiation kills people.

Still, giant carrots.

Come on, aren't we overreacting here?

I mean it's probably just an elaborate prank,

done by someone else, from another town.

I don't know, Karen. In the car we both thought it was aliens.

Okay, I thought it was an exploding cow at first,

but, you know, you set me straight.

[gasps] Oh!

Well, hello there.

You startled me.

Can I help you?

Whoa, ease up, She-wolf.

Comin' on a little strong. First things first.

Lacey, this is Marko.

Well, hello there.

Hi.

Wanda, is this a friend of yours?

Oh, you don't have to worry about me.

Mine?

Oh, my God.

Wanda, are you tryin' to set me up with this guy?

You're welcome.

[whispers] Bad boy.

I think my fake crop circles probably signalled

the aliens to come here.

"Welcome to Earth.

Welcome, Space Brothers, to our humble planet."

I mean I didn't even know that's what I was writing.

Hank, I did it. You signalled the aliens?

No. I made the burn marks.

Now I've ruined a farmer's field and broke the law.

Several laws. And you're a cop.

Or are you?

Yes. And I'm a cop who's in serious breach of protocol.

Karen, look.

Let me say I did this. I'll take the fall.

I can't let yoyou do that, Han.

Although it would make things way easier on me.

Okay, let's do that.

Listen to this.

How many unpaid parking tickets you got?

Loads.

He ain't kiddin' either. I saw them in his glove box.

His glove box?

Have you been drivin' around with this guy?

No.

I'm just not interested in guys dressed like p*rn stars from the 's.

No offence.

You're not far off the mark.

So what's your story?

Ah, whatever it is, you're not in it.

What a day I had.

Aliens, radiation.

Yeah, cry me a river.

Why are you wearing my pyjamas?

Because I go to bed right after supper.

Maybe you could make one of those egg pies.

Quiche?

With the tomato dip. Salsa?

Oh, speak English.

On second thought, why don't we have dinner at The Ruby.

My treat.

Do I have to change outta my pyjamas.

Your call.

Seriously, I could really go for a chick like you.

I know you could. I'm a hell of a woman.

But here's the thing. You kinda creep me out.

What I mean to say is, you creep me out,

probably because you're so creepy.

Hey, Wanda, I need you to do the purchase orders pronto-mundo.

Okay, sure. Right away.

Jeez, a girl can't get a sec to herself with guys

like you and him arounund.

Me and him?

Nice shirt.

EMMA: Hey, Davis.

What did you wanna see me about?

Oh, hi, Emma, hi. Have a seat.

Is dessert here yet? Hey, Emma.

Oh, look. And there's Oscar, your husband.

What?

I wanted to stay in my pyjamas.

My pyjamas.

Well, it looks like you two are getting along.

Oh, don't be fooled.

Oscar doesn't like this one bit.

Yeah. He told me you make pies that are full of nothing but eggs.

[laughing]

Oh, it does my heart good to see you two like this.

Divorce would just be wrong.

Who's getting a divorce?

You guys.

What? Fat chance.

She's not gettin' half my magazines.

So you guys can work this out?

There's nothing to work out.

He's staying at your house because we have a painter

and the fumes make him queasy.

Oh.

I spent years collecting those magazines,

and you can forget it.

So you don't mind being a hotel for a couple more days?

No problemo.

Do you have any more cookies.

I left some socks in the sink. Hope that's okay.

No problemo.

Speak English.

Hey, where's your black shirt.

I threw it in the dumpster.

Oh.

It's just a shirt.

I don't need to act like a tough guy and wear a black shirt just to get attention.

Hello?

Oh. Sorry.

What?

I can be plenty manly just wearin' a-a plain tan,

you know, or custard, or whatever.

What do you--this is like saffron bisque or--

Brent, it's just a shirt. Who cares what colour it is.

You know, it's not cool just 'cause it's dark

and mysterious.

Hey, what do you know about this, uh, Marko guy?

I know he put me off toothpicks for a while.

People of Dog River, media,

icky guy I don't know,

Hank Yarbo has an announcement.

[Hank clears throat]

I, uh, I made the burnt circles in Booch's field.

Is this a joke? No, I did it.

You did it? Yeah, just me.

Hank did it?

Okay, he said he did it. You don't have to crucify him.

Wow. Hey, I have to say I'm impressed.

First rate prankin', Hank.

Ya got me.

Oh, no. Come on, now. It was nothin'. [applause]

If it was anyone else, I'd have them thrown in jail, but Hank.

Bravo.

He didn't burn the field.

She did.

And I saw it.

She's a big fat liar.

You dropped your free sandwich card in the circle.

And Hank took the blame for this.

Karen encouraged me to.

You made a mockery of the badge.

Five minutes ago everyone was impressed with the prank.

Yeah, when we thought Hank did it.

Yeah, another round of applause for Hank.

[applause]

Sorry. Had to make it official.

I understand.

Be careful.

She can strangle us from back there.

Lacey, that bully salesman is comin' and I threw away my black shirt.

You don't need the black shirt. Just stand up to him.

I can't be Fonzie in a powder blue smock!

You gotta help me.

Hey, buddy boy.

When are your muffins ready?

Muffins. My muffins are just-- never mind my muffins.

Look, I didn't want your crap before and I don't want your crap now.

So you can haul your boxes of crap back to Crapville.

Look-- Scram!

That's right.

And just never mind my muffins.

Drooley.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪