05x15 - No Time Like the Presents

[bunniefuu]

[yawning]

Oh, man, the sun woke me up early this morning.

They should have daylight savings in this province.

Nah, it's better for the farmers this way.

I'm with Lacey, do that spring back, fall forward thing.

No, it's spring forward, fall back.

But then you're right back where you started.

No, you go an hour ahead in the spring,

so spring ahead, fall forward.

No. Then you'd just be going forward.

Yeah, that's the idea.

You have to go back in the fall.

Back fall, spring back?

Now you're gettin' it.

No wonder this hasn't caught on here. It's obviously too complicated.

Okay, let's walk her through this again.

This time, focus.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Where are ya? I need gas.

It's eight in the morning.

Nine by my watch. I'm on Daylight Savings Time now.

Well, your Daylight Savings Time

is cutting into my Brent Likes Sleeping Time.

It's awesome.

It's lighter at night, I save on electricity, a win-win.

No, win-win implies that both sides win.

This is more like win-annoy.

I'm not annoyed. I mean I can't get gas, but--

hey, you should switch over, stop livin' in the past.

How about instead I buy you breakfast

and in exchange you never phone me before work again?

Deal.

[phone ringing]

Mm.

What time?

In an hour.

So... now?

Hey, guys. This is my cousin, Nora.

She's just passing through town on her way to BC.

Oh, this is my friend, Davis,

and this is my friend, Karen,

and this is Lacey.

Hi, how are ya?

Well, I should show Nora the rest of Dog River.

It should be the most exciting three minutes of her life.

[all laughing]

[laughs]

Okay, well, see ya later, guys. Come on.

That was weird.

Yeah.

Who names their kid Nora?

No. She introduced Davis as a friend and you as a friend

and me just as Lacey.

That is weird. Davis and Wanda aren't friends.

We're not?

Why wouldn't she introduce me as her friend? You know?

Maybe you're not Wanda's friend. I just found out I'm not.

I'm sure it's nothing. She probably didn't feel

the need to spell it out, that's all.

Yeah, you're probably right. Wanda and I are friends.

Yeah. It's either that or she really doesn't like you

and now you're embarrassed because you've been lying

to yourself about the friends you've made here.

But it's probably Karen's thing.

Well, it's done.

It better be. What's done?

All my Christmas shopping.

Christmas? It's July, woman.

Well, I wanted to get a jump on it.

Remember last year?

It's the th and I haven't started shopping.

It's the th of September, woman.

Yeah, but I wanted to get a jump on it. Remember last year?

It's Christmas Day and I haven't bought a thing.

We just opened our gifts.

No, I mean for next year.

At least wait until September, woman.

I don't know why you bother.

Last year all you got people were crappy socks.

That's because I left it too late.

Hey. I thought we were meetin' for breakfast at .

my time. What did you think?

I was over there at your time.

I meant your time. What did you think?

I think you should avoid confusion

and just move ahead an hour, like me.

You're ahead an hour? What's the future like?

Do I get replaced by a robot?

How do we know you're not already a robot?

That's ridiculous. Foolish human.

I mean--

Robots don't replace us, they enslave us.

So Brent's a robot.

You guys really don't understand this Daylight Savings Time, do ya?

Hey, coppers.

Wanna know what you're getting' for Christmas?

A promise you'll never call us coppers again?

Emma's done all her Christmas shopping.

bucks and I'll tell ya what ya got.

I don't have bucks.

I could lend ya my nightstick for a couple days.

Just don't hit anyone with it.

I can't promise that.

Just don't hit us with it.

Okay.

You're gettin' oven mitts.

That's it?

What am I getting?

Is this your nightstick?

But I already have oven mitts.

That's not my problem.

Does this leave any kinda mark?

I'll let you wear my hat for the rest of the week.

Deal. You're gettin' one of those things that hook

over your shower head, to hold shampoo bottles.

That sucks. That is pretty bad.

It's better than oven mitts. Oh, I don't think so.

Geez, you got a big head.

Brent's not here.

No biggie.

So what if both my Corner Gas friends aren't around. Right?

Mm-hmm.

So you agree, both of us are friends?

Why? Who said you and Brent weren't friends?

No. S-some people weren't sure if you and I were friends.

Can you believe it? Man!

Japan is way ahead of us in robot technology.

Totally.

Anyway, what would you say to those people

who think we're not friends.

Same thing as you, probably.

[gas bell] Damn.

We should at least have a robot that pumps gas.

Yeah.

So I'll talk to ya later... friend.

Oh, Emma, what a surprise.

What, that my doorbell rang when you pressed it?

No. I was just walking by and I thought,

"Maybe Emma would like some extra casserole."

Oh. So you were walking around with a casserole?

Well, to cool it off. It was very hot.

Not that I could tell, though,

wearing these amazing oven mitts, which I already own.

Well, it does look good.

Yes. And these oven mitts are good too.

They look a little worn, if you ask me.

Oh, you want to see worn. [chuckles]

You should see my TV.

Sure could use a new one of those.

Big screen, plasma maybe.

Well, see ya later.

Well, don't I get the casserole?

Oh. I guess.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey, what's the lunch special?

BLT and fries.

But I don't start serving that till noon.

But it's :. Oh, right, I forgot. I'm three hours ahead.

If you're on Daylight Savings Time, you're only one hour ahead.

I know. But I woke up at seven and couldn't get back to sleep,

so I moved my watch ahead two hours and got up at nine.

It felt good to sleep in.

Hank, I try and stick up for ya, but you make it so hard.

I appreciate the effort.

Hey, can I borrow some money for lunch?

First of all, no. And second of all, no.,

And third of all, it's : in morning.

He's moved ahead three hours.

What is with you? What's the big deal?

The whole east coast is three hours ahead,

I don't see ya raggin' on them.

You ever think of movin' there? Save us a lotta trouble.

Haven't they suffered enough?

Too bad you changed your time again, because I was gonna lend ya money for lunch.

You said just now you wouldn't. Just now my time.

You're three hours ahead. I don't have the money then.

Damn.

[phone ringing]

Corner Gas.

Hey-yaa.

Hello?

It's me, Lacey.

Whatcha doin'?

Working. Me too.

How's work?

A thrill a minute. Did you have lunch?

I didn't see ya come in here.

I brought it from home. Cool.

What did ya have?

Look, do you need something?

No. No, no. I just called to chat, you know, like, ah, oo-ah,

what do you call those people who phone you just to chat?

You don't want to know what I call them.

[laughs] Oh, Wanda, you're a riot.

But I guess we're such good friends,

we can joke around like that.

Okay. Well, gotta go.

Okay. But you hang up first.

[dial tone]

Okay.

Bye.

Licence and registration.

Oscar?

Oh. Hey, Emma.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Coming out of our house?

Why do you have that guilty look on your face?

That's my angry face. You got it confused.

What are you so angry about?

You being so nosey. What's in the bag?

Oh. I'm returning Davis's gift.

It turns out he already has oven mitts.

Apparently he just loves him.

Really? So what are you gettin' him instead?

Oh, one of those daytimer planner thingies.

Ah, good to know.

Why?

Uh, so I don't get him the same thing.

See ya later.

Why is there a cop hat in my rosebush?

Have you noticed anything different about Lacey, lately?

She's too upbeat, a little needy, overly fastidious.

Nope, same old Lacey.

Ah, she's more needy than usual.

She's hangin' on me like an orphan chimp.

"Let's do stuff." "Let's have lunch."

"Let's... do stuff." It's weird.

Well, you know, sometimes you take people for granted.

I do not.

Like the other day, with your cousin, Nora. I have a cousin Nora?

Yeah. You introduced me and Davis to her as your friends, but not Lacey.

Hm, Nora?

I thought it was Myrna.

Wanda.

All right, I'll talk to Lacey.

Nora?

Hey, you guys want to watch UFC at the bar tonight?

What time's it on? It says here nine Pacific.

So midnight my time?

No, one in the morning your time.

What's Pacific compared to us?

An hour behind. So ten our time.

Yeah, but Hank's three hours ahead.

Same time zone as the Atlantic provinces.

But it's not being broadcast in the Atlantic provinces.

Great. Now how am I supposed to watch it?

With us at nine.

Ten, to specific, nine to be Pacific.

I thought he was Atlantic.

Maybe I'll just rent a movie.

I think Oscar's telling people what I'm getting them for Christmas.

Oh, that is just so sad.

I know. He's got nothing better to do.

I meant you buying all your gifts in July.

Woman, relax.

Well, at least I know who my friends are.

Hey, there, pal. Hi, Wanda.

I was talking to Lacey. Oh.

Really?

Just came to check in on my-my buddy,

my bosom buddy... and pal...

and chummy old... cohort.

So... whatcha doin'?

Well, I should go now, now that I've said a friendly hello

to you, a friend.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

We're friends.

I gathered.

Looks like my oven mitt trick worked with Emma.

You have an oven mitt trick? More of a skit, really.

I pretended that I love my oven mitts.

I didn't have to pretend much. It comes from a real place.

You did all that to avoid a Christmas gift?

It was worth it. Now Emma's getting me a daytimer.

I was hopin' for a TV, but a daytimer's good, my second choice.

How do you know you're getting a daytimer?

I struck a deal with Oscar.

See this badge?

It's your worst nightmare, punk.

EMMA: Oscar, what are you doing in there?

Uh, I'll-I'll-I'll-I'll be right out.

Wow.

A daytimer's way better than a shampoo bottle holder.

No kiddin'. You should come up with a skit.

Oh. Hi, Emma. Here I am. Haven't forgotten.

What's this about?

We're supposed to meet for coffee, right?

I don't think so.

Oh.

Dentist, no.

Oops, forgot my mom's birthday.

Ah, oh, oh, okay, here it is, there.

It says, "Coffee on the th with E."

The rest of the name was ripped off.

It's the th. And how do you know I'm E?

You should get yourself better organized.

If only I had some kind of timing of days book

to keep it straight.

Davis has got one. He finds it really handy.

Davis has daytimer?

Well, I gotta go.

Although I don't know where and I might already be late.

Oh, I'm starting to hate Christmas.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Mornin', sunshine.

Let me guess. It's four in the morning your time

and you're wondering why I'm not open?

No. According to my clock, it's :,

which means you're late for work.

Oh.

My glib comment seems less funny now.

I have to admit the time change was gettin' a little confusin'.

Oh, I don't know if I'd call ya a bonehead.

I didn't say bonehead.

Well, regardless. I'm just glad you switched back.

Oh, I didn't switch back. I moved ahead hours.

It's a lot easier to keep track of.

Stayin' in the same time zone would be easier.

This way I get to sleep all day when it's dark.

I mean the only downside is I'm up all night.

I wonder if I can move my watch back five minutes

to before this conversation started.

Hey.

Hey. What are doin' up so late?

So, that's it.

I'm giving Karen the daytimer and Davis the shower thing.

So, just to recap, because this could be confusing, for you:

Shaving kit, Davis; daytimer, Karen;

shampoo thing, Lacey.

Or maybe it's better if I give Lacey the daytimer,

Karen the shampoo thing, and Davis the shaving kit.

Right. Shaving kit, Davis;

Lacey, daytimer;

Karen, shampoo thing.

No.

I said: Karen, daytimer; Lacey, shaving kit;

and Davis golf balls.

There's golf balls now?

For whoever gets the shower thing.

That's Lacey. No.

Karen? No.

Davis? Bye.

Hey.

So, I've just been thinking.

The other day when you came in here

saying we were friends, which I appreciate,

I just wanted to make sure that you weren't

overcompensating because we aren't really friends?

What?

No.

I mean you never actually said the words, "I'm your friend,"

but I know you meant it.

Of course I did.

I don't casually toss around words like cohort.

Yeah. But you never said you're my buddy, my cohort.

I know this sounds silly,

but I need to hear you say you're my friend.

I'm your friend.

I know you're my friend.

But am I your friend?

Yes. You're a friend.

Ah! See, you did it again.

You said "a friend."

Technically I could be anybody's friend.

I wanna be your friend.

You are. Are what?

A friend? No.

We're not friends?

Oh.

What a nut.

Hey, Emma. Wanna hear somethin' funny?

Not really.

I was golfin' the other day and I opened

my golf bag and all these brand new golf balls fell out.

I thought I didn't have any.

There was golf ball after golf ball.

When's the funny part?

It's not so much funny ha-ha, it's more funny-- Boring?

Hey, guys. What a day.

I was doing some cleaning in the basement

and I found all these golf balls, oodles of them.

It was good, because now obviously I won't need to get any.

It would be stupid to get any more.

Are you sure it was golf balls?

Because I'm the one with golf balls.

Oh, I'm pretty sure it was me.

I think if you look again you'll find

a shaving kit in your basement.

Hey, what's goin' on?

I'm enjoying Christmas again.

Whoo.

Have I had a lot to drink.

I feel pretty bombed.

You must be.

You just used the word bombed to describe being drunk.

Well, I guess I'm gonna get in my car and drive home.

Okay. See ya later.

I know, it's not safe. But it's not far.

You know, that reminds me of that ad.

Some things don't let some things drive drunk.

You know that ad?

I mostly watch PBS.

Friends.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Fine. I'll drive you home.

No, I want Wanda to.

Look, I know you're not drunk.

I saw Phil giving you apple juice all night.

Okay. Okay, fine.

But I cannot believe that you wouldn't even offer.

[slurring] A-apple juice?

But I was going drink for drink with you.

I think I-I need a lift home.

I'll give ya a lift, buddy.

Unbelievable.

What? You got him bombed.

Come on, slugger.

Wanda, you're Yeah.

What's to argue?

It's two-hour parking and you were there all morning.

Just pay the ticket.

This was issued at a.m., and because I'm hours ahead,

that's actually p.m. my time.

And parking is free after six.

So, technically, my truck isn't even parked there yet.

This is harassment.

A little help here, Brent?

Mm. You've saved a lotta daylight

movin' ahead hours, haven't ya?

Sure have.

Think how much more you'd save if you moved another hours ahead.

Yeah. It would be like being on Australian time.

Fair dinkum.

Cool. So, uh, for you guys it would be in the afternoon,

but for me it would actually be p.m. I'm in.

Except that tomorrow morning you were parking there

too long during the day.

Yeah. You really should have moved your car sooner tomorrow morning.

Oh. I guess I'll pay the ticket, then.

Thanks, Brent.

I owe ya one.

Fresh donuts, anyone?

No, thanks. I don't like day-olds.

I'll explain later.

Hey, guys.

This is my friend Janice, from Weyburn.

We're grabbin' a coffee.

Hey, there.

Oh. This is my friend, Lacey.

We're back.

What?

I mean hello.

And these are my other friends, Karen and Brent.

And here comes my good friend, Davis.

See? I'm her friend.

Good friend.

What?

Next time just say, "This is everybody."

Well, it's time for the gifts, everyone.

Lacey. Lacey.

We're opening gifts now.

This is so exciting. I have no idea what I'm getting.

Me neither.

There must be some kinda mistake.

All I got were these crappy socks.

Me too.

We all got crappy socks.

Are ya surprised?

Davis, get your nightstick.

I'm on it.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪