06x03 - Self-Serving

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, it's in the dairy cooler.

What kinds do you have? We got all five.

Five? There's more than five kinds of cheese.

There are hundreds.

[chuckles] Hundreds.

There are five.

Cheddar, Swiss, mozza, parmesan and whiz.

Whiz?

Cheez Whiz. Where're you from?

That's not a type, that's a brand.

Kraft is a brand, whiz is the type.

Whiz is the brand. Kraft is the company. Spreadable is the type.

Kraft is the maker, whiz is the cheese

and spreadable is just an added benefit.

You don't know a lot about cheese, do you?

I know it's kept in a cooler.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

[honks]

Are ya stuck in traffic?

Do you think you could do this?

I think I can, I think I can.

You know, the little train that could actually did.

Wouldn't have been much of a story if he didn't.

I have a postmodern take on it.

Brent, I just want some gas. Well, help yourself.

Will you charge me less?

No. Hanging out with me is part of the service,

like this delightful banter we're having now.

Well, how about you offer self-serve for a lower price

with no banter at all.

But then people wouldn't get to enjoy my wit.

There are a lot of people who don't enjoy your wit.

[clears throat] Hey, guys.

I'm sellin' my old laptop. You wanna buy it?

Oh, no thanks, Hank.

I could use a solitaire machine.

How much do you want for it?

Well, bucks?

Maybe I will buy it.

It would save me havin' to buy new decks of cards.

That should pay for itself in about years.

And here I thought you wanted it for a stupid reason.

So?

He's not buying it.

Oscar, tell him you're not buying it.

I'm not buyin' it.

[whispers] I'll buy it.

Oh.

Wow. Ever since the Weekly World News went bankrupt,

the Howler's become such a rag.

I mean c'mon, "Sasquatch spotted in rehab"?

I bet it takes a lotta booze to get a sasquatch drunk.

It goes on to say Sasquatch is going to China

to adopt a baby after he gets cleaned up.

You see, that's a dying art,

starting a believable rumour.

You have to have fake sources

and you have to have a plausible premise.

Let me guess. You're an expert on it?

In high school I was known as the Rumour Queen.

You always claim you're the best at something.

I didn't say I was the best, I said I was the queen.

But I was the best. Fine.

You are the best at spreading rumours.

No one in Dog River-- no, too small.

No one in Saskatchewan is better than you at spreading rumours.

I'm sensing sarcasm.

Well, I bet in high school you were the best at sensing sarcasm.

Well, I don't wanna brag.

But, yeah, I was.

Hey.

I hear you're selling your old laptop.

Not anymore. Got a buyer.

That's too bad. I'm lookin' for one.

Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Or the way the laptop gets sold to someone else.

Yeah, I love that expression.

Oh, well, it's just as well.

I guess I'll take that bucks and start savin' for a new one.

Oh, uh, ? Oh, for the laptop.

I-I thought you said lap-lapdog.

[clears throat]

I, uh, might be able to help ya out.

Hey, did you hear this rumour going around

that Karen got a really low score on her police IQ test?

Ah, that doesn't sound true.

It is, though.

Well, I find it Really?

Maybe if I was in high school or something I'd believe it.

I think it sounds pretty plausible.

See you, Wanda.

Emma told me.

Emma said it?

Yeah.

Maybe it is true.

Yeah.

All hail the Rumour Queen.

What?

Nothing.

I forgot how slow you moved.

What? Nothing.

All right! Self-serve.

I'll do that. And it's less.

Well, it is. But then you don't get to hang out with me

and get all the benefit--

I don't know about this self-serve thing.

It doesn't feel right.

What's the problem, finding people don't mind paying les,

to not hang out with you?

If self-serve is so great, why don't you offer self-serve?

[scoffs] Like a buffet?

I was thinking smorg. But you wanna use a cent word, fine.

Mm, buffets are not the real restaurant experience.

Sounds like you're worried people won't mind paying

a little less not to hang out with you.

All right, fine. Buffet it is.

Call it a smorg.

Buffet is a little je ne sais quoi.

Hey.

Davis around?

No. He's gassing up the police car.

Can I leave a message for him? Sure.

Give Hank a call.

Okay.

Maybe you should write that down.

What, you think I'm an idiot?

Well, that's what your police IQ test says. What?

That's what Emma says. Emma says?

Wow, you are slow on the uptake.

What the hell is this?

It's a self-serve option I'm offering.

You're a jackass.

What's wrong with self-service?

I don't have to talk to you and I pay less?

[chuckles] It's perfect.

So then why am I a jackass?

I don't know. You get it from your mother.

Now stop talkin' to me. I'm doin' self-serve, jackass.

Wanda!

Oh, Karen, hi.

Have you seen Emma?

Emma? Not in a while.

She's spreading rumours about me.

Why would she do that?

Oh, the dumb thing.

I'm sure she doesn't mean anything by it.

I'm gonna talk to her and clear the air.

Oh, oh, oh!

I, uh, I wouldn't do that, you know, talk to her directly.

I mean it's one of those things that sounds good,

you know, like let's clear the air,

let's get to the bottom of this, find out what really happened.

But in practice, not really effective.

I'm gonna talk to her anyway.

Or...

you could fight fire with fire.

Start a rumour about her?

You know? I'd be happy to help.

Mm, I don't know what to have.

Well-well, I don't even want to mention this,

but I'm offering a buffet service, on a trial period.

Serve myself, like a smorg?

I mean it'll never be as good as anything made to order.

And of course there would be less interactions with me and--

That doesn't sound like something Emma would do.

I know, I know.

But you could never really tell who's an arsonist and who isn't.

And she was arrested for this?

Oh, yeah, years ago. But yeah,

Karen told me.

Uh, hey, Oscar.

Where's the laptop?

Look, I can't sell it to ya anymore.

I-I got a better offer from Davis, so--

You said you'd sell that laptop to me.

Oh, I get it. Rip off a senior.

You're not buying that laptop from Hank.

Yeah, I know. He's sellin' it to Davis.

Yeah. So, you know, you don't have to burn down my house.

What do you mean by that?

Nothin'. I just don't want you to get angry

and set somethin' on fire.

What?

Karen said you were arrested for arson.

That's not true.

Oh, on nights like this I wish we had a fireplace.

Yeah. A fire would be real nice, wouldn't it?

Why are you saying I was arrested for arson?

Why are you telling people I failed my IQ test?

I didn't say that.

I'm surprised at you.

Not surprised you failed your IQ test,

but surprised you'd think I'd go around spreading rumours.

Wanda.

Look, don't try to talk me out of it or thr*aten me.

I've made up my mind.

You know what? I need the money.

Sure, rip me off, what the hell.

Yeah. I mean it's just business.

I was just gonna use it to play some solitaire in my dying days.

But whatever.

Look, Oscar, I'm sorry.

I mean I could play with regular cards.

My arthritis isn't too bad, yet.

All right, I'll sell ya the computer.

Oh, don't do me any favours.

At the original price.

Sold.

I hear you're lookin' to buy a laptop?

harm done.

People think I'm an arsonist.

I know.

I told Karen to fight fire with fire,

so I guess fire was on my mind.

But why'd you say I was dumb?

Just-just a random thing.

Let me fix this. I can fix this.

I am the Rumour Queen.

Did you hear the rumour that Karen and Emma rescued a puppy,

a puppy that was dying?

They rescued it.

Well, thanks for sharing that.

So, are you gonna tell people?

Maybe.

Aren't you a little busy to be reading a book?

It's the buffet. I have all this free time now.

People love it and I don't have to serve anyone.

Maybe while I'm here I'll order some lunch.

Just have the buffet. It's fun.

You're gonna love this.

You can put it on the top of your lap.

[clunking]

Or on the floor.

Sometimes people call them floortop computers.

I hope it's okay.

Oh, yeah. These babies are designed to take a licking

and keep on ticking.

Oh, Timex makes computers? Cool.

[clicking]

It's not workin'.

A cheque's fine. Just make it out to Oscar Leroy.

It's not even a Timex. I'm not buyin' this.

You drive a hard bargain.

.

[knocking]

[laughing]

Hey, you guys did the self-serve?

Yeah.

Sounds like somethin' fun happened.

Well, you sorta had to be there, uh, at the pumps.

Oh, right.

Well, nice weather we're havin'.

Some change.

Yeah, it was kind overcast and now it's lookin' pretty sunny.

No. You owe me some change.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh, hey, Oscar.

How's the computer workin'?

Oh, great.

But I have to say I-I'm feeling guilty.

Aw, that's okay. You didn't know your wife was an arsonist.

I mean all marriages have their secrets, right?

You know, I was watchin' Jerry Springer

and this guy found out his wife was a guy.

No, I mean the computer.

Oh.

I bullied ya into selling me it.

Gimme my money back and I'll give ya the computer

and you can do whatever you want with it.

Really? Thanks. No problem.

Sucker.

Hm? What-what'd ya say?

So, are guys gonna get Wanda back?

I want to, but your mom thinks we should give Wanda a chance to fix it.

Wanda's gonna start a rumour that puts us in a more positive light.

Hey, look.

It's Pyro and the Idiot.

That's not funny.

Pyro and the Idiot. Hey, that'd be a good sitcom.

ANNOUNCER: It's Pyro and the Idiot.

[applause and cheering]

Hey, Pyro, I think there's something wrong

with those instructions you gave me for that Molotov Cocktail.

[laughter]

Why do you say that, Idiot?

Well, it didn't taste very good.

[laughter]

Oh, Idiot. You're such an idiot.

[cheering and applause]

It's a bit like Firebug and The Moron ,

but I'd still watch it.

Karen is such an idiot.

Hey, Brent, I just wanted to say thank you

for suggesting the buffet.

Not a problem. You know, it's strange.

Even though I'm not taking their orders,

I actually get to interact with my customers even more.

How's the self-serve going?

Oh, good. You know, the same. Frees me up.

I'm glad it's workin' out for both of us.

Hey, could I get some ketchup?

It's in the fridge.

Geez, it's like I'm talkin' to Karen.

Hey, I heard that.

Wow. And ya understood it too.

That is harsh.

I have time for insults now.

Yeah, sorry. The, uh, the numbers weren't workin' out,

so I had to bump up the self-serve price.

It's okay. I'll still do self-serve.

Really? Well-well, you know what?

Actually, I just remembered.

Self-serve and full-serve are the same price now.

This crazy economy, with the oil and the w*r in Arabia.

I got it.

I don't think your plan is working.

People still think I'm an idiot.

Well, these things take a little time.

Oh, hey, Hank.

Have you heard any rumours about me or Karen?

Yeah. I heard Karen rescued a puppy.

Hey. There you go.

Just Karen?

She rescued it from you. You were gonna set it on fire.

And I rescued it. So all good.

Then they gave the puppy an IQ test.

It scored higher than Karen.

So all good?

It works.

Wait. Oscar already tried to sell it to ya?

Yeah. I guess he thought I was Karen or somethin'.

Davis, please, give it a rest.

Different Karen.

Oscar.

Hey, sucker Hank. [chuckles]

Yeah. Uh, what are ya talkin' about?

Sell that computer to Davis yet?

No, I decided not to.

I, um, I started using it again at home and realized

it's such a good machine I-I shouldn't sell it.

It's workin' okay? Oh, yeah, great.

Yeah, the battery needed a little chargin',

but other than that-- Terrific.

I-I thought you were gonna sell it to Davis.

You said you were gonna sell it to Davis. That's why I sold it back.

Now you're not gonna sell it but that's why I sold it back to ya.

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

All right. I can live without it.

Well, it's just such a good computer, uh,

I wouldn't mind a little more for it.

A hundred sound okay? Yeah.

You guys are gonna have the buffet, right?

I was thinking of ordering off the menu.

Ah, just have the buffet. It's great.

I'll check on ya later.

That's kind of annoying.

Yeah. She doesn't seem to care.

Yes, I do.

I care.

We weren't talking about you.

Ha! Sure you weren't.

And you weren't planning your revenge either.

I see what's goin' on. I'm not an idiot.

Neither am I.

You two were gonna spread some crappy rumour about me.

Get over yourself.

It won't work.

I'm the Rumour Queen and I'm watching you.

Lacey, can I get some more coffee?

Coffee's on the buffet.

The buffet is out of coffee.

The filters are in the cupboard, coffee's over there,

scoops, fill the water to the line. Thanks.

[gasps]

Wanda, ya snuck up on me, there.

Is that what Karen and them are saying,

they're saying I'm sneaky, is that it?

No, they didn't say anything.

Except for they really like the buffet.

Is that all they said?

Or did they say anything about me getting caught

cheating in college or that Hank and I have a love child,

or anything like that?

No, that never came up.

Hank's not the father of your son, right?

[groans]

Beautiful day. Check the oil? Sure, no problem.

And, uh, check the wiper fluid, too, please.

Sure thing, partner.

Oh.

So we're not gonna do anything about Wanda.

Well, that makes sense.

I should get going.

What did she say?

Anything about me and Hank or, uh, me cheating?

You know? Anything?

Tell me.

Tell me!

You're scaring me.

What do ya want?

Fill it up, please. Full-service.

Really? Yeah.

Awesome!

You just watch how full this service is.

I got the computer for you.

It looks like the one you tried to sell me before.

It is. Hank got it working, the sucker.

And now I'm gonna sell it to you and make a profit.

There's a sucker born every minute.

Show it to me. Sure.

It doesn't seem to be workin'. Hank said it was.

Did you get him No.

Sucker.

Hey, thanks again for letting me put gas in your car.

Oh, no problem.

Hey, everyone, can I have your attention?

That's okay. You don't have to do anything more. No, no, I want to.

I just wanna say that the service, the full service,

at Corner Gas is great.

And I think you should all take advantage of it,

especially because it's such a great deal. Okay?

We want service here.

Well, you don't need service here.

You've got the buffet.

The buffet sucks.

Buffet sucks!

Buffet sucks!

[chanting] Buffet sucks! Buffet sucks!

Buffet sucks--

I mean thanks again for helpin' me.

[chanting continues] Buffet sucks!

Hey!

You ripped me off!

What? How could I? I'm a sucker.

I'll call the cops.

Be my guest. Hey, Davis!

Well, hello.

There a problem here?

Hank swindled me. Arrest him.

[sighs] Is this true?

Why, yes it is. And what are ya gonna do about it?

I guess I could get that bucks ya owe me

for helping you to swindle Oscar into buying a broken computer.

Oh.

What the hell is going on?

We rehearsed that. Pretty good, huh?

Well, are ya gonna arrest him or--

that we can't spend some quality time together.

You should get that order in.

Right.

I know what you're doing.

Hey, Wanda,

I hear you're a plagiarist and that your son is Hank's love child.

Ha-ha, she wishes. What's a plagiarist?

You got a buncha husbands or somethin'?

That isn't even a real rumour.

Well, it's going around.

I think Karen and Emma started it.

Hey, good job, guys. Great rumour.

The one about Wanda? I heard that.

You heard it from me! I started it!

Don't try and take credit for Karen and Emma's rumour.

Man, you guys are like the Rumour Queens.

Thanks.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪