06x09 - Rock Stars

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

Checkin' out my new g*ns.

g*ns?

Yeah. g*ns, pipes, pythons.

He found a brochure in the garbage for a workout regime

the Armed Forces used in the 's.

Yeah. C'mon, feel that g*n. Feel it.

I'm gonna not do that. I don't blame ya. Intimidating.

Karen?

Yeah. Ow. Oh, hey, easy, easy. I told ya, they're new.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

You're supposed to come over today

to help your father with the fence.

Is that today? I can't.

I signed up for guitar lessons over in Bartlet.

Bartlet? Why are you takin' them there?

Nobody in this town can match my level

of smokin' rockocity, so I had to go to the next town.

Bartlet's not the next town. It's Tutley.

Tutley's two towns over. No, that's Wigam.

Wherever. Over there a ways.

Why do you suddenly wanna learn guitar?

You are aware, I was the lead guitarist in a band all through high school?

Now you wanna learn to play the thing?

You shoulda thought about that back then when it coulda done some good.

Thanks.

Oh, the Father of the Year committee called.

It's between you and Fred MacMurray.

When was this?

Good luck with your fence.

Hey, Wanda, I'm going into the city.

Do you want anything?

Oh. Well, sure, if it's no trouble.

Could ya swing by Salon de Bonne Santé and pick me up

some organic hypoallergenic tea tree emulsifying conditioner?

I have no idea what you just asked me to do, but sure.

I'll write it down.

That's nice of you, Davis.

It's not me, really. It's my horoscope.

It said I'd be lucky today if I go into the city

and do a favour for a short person.

Short, cute person, I think it said.

But, you know, whatever.

Okay, gotta book.

Well, it looks like the stars just lined up in your favour.

If you believe in the horoscope hooey, which I don't.

Uh-huh.

Gotta book.

You tryin' to push the pumps over?

Isotonic exercise.

It's a push-out. It's kinda like a push-up.

Without the up part.

Yeah.

There's probably a reason you found that brochure in the garbage.

Like the fact that it doesn't work,

or the fact it looks kinda dorky.

I don't care what it looks like, as long as it works.

I just said it doesn't work.

Oh.

Look, if you're really interested,

like seriously interested in working out,

you can come work out with me at the gym.

Really? Awesome.

But ya have to be serious about it.

Understood.

And ya have to wear longer shorts.

Understood.

[knocking]

Hi. I'm here for my guitar lesson.

Not that I really need it. But it could be fun.

I already know how to play pretty well, if I do say so.

Well, it's not for me to say.

But I thought it might be a laugh, you know, good practice.

I'll probably end up showing you as much as you show me.

I'm pretty good.

I'm not the guitar teacher, my kid is.

You're gonna teach me guitar?

I'll do my best, mister, but it can be pretty hard

to learn new stuff later in life.

Here you go, Wanda.

Got that stuff you wanted from the city.

Ah, thanks, Davis. I really appreciate it.

And here's a cupcake.

What?

What's this for?

The horoscope said to get something sweet for people whose names start with W.

Really? Wow.

Aw.

Are you sure it's your lucky day, Davis?

'Cause it sure feels like mine.

[chuckling]

Good egg, that Davis, thoughtful.

I know what you're doing.

What doing? When?

Do you really think I don't know what's going on?

Going on? What? Nothing.

You know what? That didn't even make sense.

You can drop the charade,

I know you're writing the horoscopes.

Fine. How'd ya figure it out?

Well, you're not exactly subtle.

Plus your pen name is Madam Wanza.

Is that the best you could come up with?

It's just a bit of fun, makes Davis happy.

And you and your perfectly conditioned hair

don't benefit from this at all?

Are you gonna bust me or not?

I haven't decided yet.

Emma? What?

When's Brent gonna be finished his stupid banjo lesson?

Probably right after his guitar lesson.

I'll be dead by the time I finish this fence.

So I have two things to look forward to.

Um, just outta curiosity, how old are you?

I turned last week.

? Wow.

Almost as old as my glasses.

Look, Timmy-- Toby.

Tommy. I think this might be a waste of our time.

Well, let's see what level you're at.

Why don't you show me what you can do.

All right.

Well, here's a little somethin' I wrote

called "Purple Lava."

♪

Okay, so beginner.

Brings back memories.

What are you talking about?

I used to struggle like that too before I started workin' out.

You work out?

Yeah. Check out these six packs. Huh?

Yeah, I been goin' to the gym lately.

Well, that's a waste of time. Gyms are for suckers.

Oh, is that right?

Well, uh, how about I help ya out here

and we'll see who's the sucker?

[exhaling] Hoo, hoo, hoo.

How far apart are the contractions?

[straining] Got it.

I got it.

Thank God.

Hey, Wanda.

Davis, there is something that you need to know.

Oh, okay. But first,

these are for you.

Oh.

Getting you flowers was in my horoscope.

Oh. Okay?

Now, what do I need to know?

I should put these in some water.

I already knew that. But thanks.

Oh, those are some nice flowers.

Very clever.

There's no reason why we both can't benefit from this.

Oh, I hope you don't think that you can just buy

my character with a bouquet of--

oh, my, look at those daisies.

HANK: Okay, okay, you've got this, you've got this.

This is all you! Yes.

Nice, Emma, nice.

It's more motivating with a partner, don't ya think?

My motivation's definitely affected.

That's the spirit. Yeah.

Maybe I should lift some more grass seed, work on my delts.

Are they connected to your mouth?

Because that's getting a good workout.

You got a lot to learn about anatomy.

Hey, Karen, want me to read you your horoscope?

Nah, I don't believe in that crap.

It makes sense. It says, Capricorns will be very skeptical today.

I'm a Virgo.

I thought you didn't believe in this crap.

Hey, Karen,

just wanna let you know I won't be workin' out with ya anymore.

So, no change.

Emma was right.

Gyms are for suckers, suckers who think they're funny.

You are a bit of a sucker.

But I wouldn't expect any less from a Virgo.

Well, gotta go wash Wanda's car.

Emma called me a sucker?

It's just I'm not learning anything from this kid.

He doesn't know half of what I know.

Well, the important thing is ya gave up. Pass me the hammer.

I bet he couldn't play 's rock as good as me.

Too bad for him. Pass the hammer.

Yeah, I should go over there and blow his doors off with some heavy thrash metal.

Less yammer, more hammer!

[playing simple riff]

♪

And that is how we threw it down in the 's,

my green young friend.

Right. But didn't most of those two-finger power bands

use a minor chord to the bridge, like, uh, like this?

[playing elaborate riff]

♪

Sometimes they did.

Hey, I would really like Davis to clean my basement this week.

So if you could put somethin' in the horoscopes.

I would. But I need him to do some painting at my house

and I don't think he'll have time to do both.

Well, my basement really needs cleaning.

Well, these horoscopes really were my idea.

It says Madam Wanza on there.

It doesn't say Madam... Zayzie.

Yeah.

Ooo, wouldn't it be terrible if Davis found out

who Madam Wanza really is?

I see.

So it's extortion, is it?

I never thought you'd stoop so low.

I'm proud of you.

How long does it take to hand over one little hammer?

Brent?

Okay, that's it.

Tell your kid to stop fillin' my kid's head

with rock and roll dreams.

Who's your kid?

Brent, the big one, big head, this high, this wide,

wears jeans.

Oh, the beginner?

I thought he was weird, but now that I see his old man, it all makes sense.

What's that supposed ta mean?

It means you're a nutcase and I don't want you

or your weirdo son taking lessons from my kid.

I wouldn't let my kid hang out with your jackass kid,

because your kid has a jackass for a father

and comes from a long line a jackasses!

You can't insult my whole family like that!

Your whole jackass family!

Oh, hey, Emma.

Where are ya off to? Oh, I was just--

Me, I'm off to the gym, to work out with the suckers.

There's a lot of them there. I was just telling Hank that.

I know.

I don't mean I know there are suckers there, but--

I was trying to make a point.

Oh, I wasn't talking about you.

I meant those people who wear those stupid spandex getups

and talk about reps and quads.

That is you.

And it's wicking microfibre, not spandex. Big difference.

I didn't mean anything by it.

Hey, Emma, ya ready to pump some soil, huh?

I'm just gonna go inside, change into my spandex.

See ya, sucker.

We sell a lotta mushroom soup. You ever notice that?

Lacey's a backstabbing hose bag. You ever notice that?

I noticed the soup.

Well, two can play at this game, and I've been playing it

a lot longer than Little Miss Dirty Basement.

Know what I mean? No clue.

Oh, yeah, you got that right.

I can handle her, don't you fret about that.

Fret. Was that some kinda dig at me?

If it was, it wasn't a good one.

Fret, guitar fret, crappy guitarist, me.

Hit me over the head with it.

Is this about that kid? Geez, you gotta relax.

So what if he can play guitar.

You're a grown man with a house, a car, and your own business.

He's just some dopey kid.

I guess I never really put it in perspective.

And I have a car and a house and my own business,

grown-up things.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to consume a beer, legally.

One, two, and three.

Geez, nice set, Emma, nice set. That's good.

You know, I think I wanna work on my glutes today.

Is there anything you wanted to work on?

Yeah, my beets.

Hmm.

Oh, I can't seem to lift this. Could you give me a hand?

Spot me.

[exhaling] Hoo, hoo.

This isn't that heavy.

You can lift that on your own? Do you know what that means?

Uh, I can, uh, fertilize the garden?

It means you've grown stronger than me.

The student has surpassed the teacher.

I'm filled with pride as you go off on your own,

away from me.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go tell everybody back at the gym.

Hey, Davis, I noticed you didn't come by my house today.

Why would I do that?

Well, my basement's still pretty dirty.

Good to know.

Did you read your horoscope today?

I sure did.

And it said to take on a painting project today.

And check this out. These are my lucky numbers.

Did it say anything about Aries being double crossers?

No.

Nothin' personal, but you're really bad at small talk.

[banging]

Hey, Leroy!

Who the hell?

Corky? Corky Dillems?

CORKY: So I'm talkin' to my kid

and he tells me that you called him

and my whole family...

a whole bunch...

of jackasses.

I-I-I-I didn't know that was your family, Corky.

Or maybe ya didn't think I'm as tough as I used to be.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You've always been pretty tough.

You wanna die young, Leroy?

You wanna die middle-aged, Leroy?

Do ya wanna die a senior, Leroy?

Yes. I-I mean eventually.

But I-I-I think we're gettin' past the age

where we settle things with fisticuffs.

You think what you want.

But you talk to my kid like that again

and you're gonna find out what I think.

Davis.

Davis, I need to talk to you.

Not now. I'm on my way to mow Wanda's lawn.

Wanda's been writing those horoscopes to get you to do things for her.

Unbelievable...

how accurate these are. Check it out.

It says today not to listen to conspiracy theories

by pushy brunettes.

Wanda wrote that. I'm not listening to you.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

[whistling]

[gas bell dings]

Aw, come on.

Heard ya had a chat with Davis.

How'd that work out for ya?

Like you don't know.

I don't know. Only Madam Wanza knows.

Huh, I wonder what Madam Wanza will write tomorrow.

I hope she doesn't say anything about not eating

at local restaurants that start with R and end with uby.

You don't have to do that.

It's not up to me.

It's written in the stars, by me.

Game, scorch, and pow!

[sighs]

Uh, c'mere. What are you doing?

I'll explain later.

Hey.

That was a pretty nice car you were drivin' earlier.

Is that your mom's?

No, it's mine, actually. Did most of the work on it myself.

I could tell.

This is my girlfriend, Sasha.

Oh. Well, this is Lacey. She's my special friend.

Right, Babe? Babe?

Oh, she doesn't like to be called Babe. Feminist.

Sorry, Toots.

Okay, I can explain.

Well, that would be good.

Because my confusion and my rage are standing by.

That's the guitar kid. Only it's not just a guitar anymore.

He's got a nicer car than me, he's got a girlfriend.

He keeps b*ating me at everything.

Your arch nemesis is a -year-old?

Okay, you know what?

My confusion and my rage have been replaced by

an awkward sadness.

Yep, I'm stronger than Emma and I'm stronger than Karen.

Huh?

And those are only two women I'm stronger than.

First of all, I doubt it. Second of all, no, you're not.

Do you mind? I'm trying to work on some power chords.

I got a couple power chords for ya.

Strumm, schlaaang.

You gotta lay off that guitar kid.

His grandfather's Corky Dillems,

the meanest SOB south of the north pole.

If you don't patch it up with that kid,

I'm gonna get pummelled.

I'm not clear on my motivation.

You know, Oscar,

if someone kicks sand in your face, you work out,

then in a few weeks you punch him out in front of the girl

that the guy who kicked sand in your face stole.

Know what I'm sayin'? No.

That's okay, 'cause these do all the talkin' I need.

[ominous guitar chord]

That's all I got so far.

Hey, Davis, check your horoscope yet?

No.

Well, when you do, the plunger's behind the toilet.

I'm not really into horoscopes anymore,

Where did ya get that?

Lacey gave it to me.

We don't have to wait for our horoscope to come out every day.

We can just make decisions on the fly, like, um,

should Davis read his horoscope today?

Fat chance, Madam Wanza.

Mine just says no.

Hi, fellas.

Still tryin' to nail two boards together?

Not much of a handyman, are ya, Leroy?

I guess not. [nervous chuckle]

Maybe I should just give up on this, go in the house.

Hey, Oscar.

Just dropped by to take out the trash.

I-I-I don't know this guy.

Why don't you and the other Golden Girls hit the road before I decide to get rough?

What's your problem?

You wanna die young and skinny?

I'm with you, Corky. Get him.

Oh, don't do that. You do not wanna do that.

Uh...

Come on fellas.

Keep walkin'.

I think they were scared off by someone else.

Who, Emma?

Still working on that fence.

Not much of a handyman, are ya?

Hold these.

There you go.

You got this, you got this. It's all you!

Uh, I know I've been a little weird and competitive.

You were being competitive? I didn't notice.

I did notice the weird thing.

I guess I was a little insecure, but I know I'm lucky to have

the opportunity to learn from someone as talented as you.

Well, thanks.

Sorry, we can't have a lesson right now, though.

My guitar's outta tune and my tuner's outta batteries.

Well, just tune it manually.

I don't know how.

You don't know how to tune a guitar manually?

Simplest thing in the world. I learned to do that when I was ten.

I can do lots of other stuff on the guitar.

Fat lotta good it'll do ya when you're out of tune.

Hey, I can do triplets.

[playing triplets]

[discordant notes]

Oops, sorry.

[laughs]

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪