Van, The (1996)

[bunniefuu]

[ Drumroll ]

¶¶ [ Country blues ]

¶¶ [ Continues ]

¶¶ [ Continues ]

¶¶ [ Ends ]

See your team got
b*at again last night.
Stop.

He has to go.
Useless.

[ Sobbing ]

What's wrong with you?
Are you all right?

I'm grand.

Got a bit of bad news today,
knocked me back a bit.

I was let go.
What?

Let go, made redundant.

I'm like you now, Larry,
a man of leisure, huh?

It's gas, isn't it?
How come?

Ten of us got letters.

Chap from the office
says they'll be getting
their cakes from england.

The only way
they can compete. The prick.

What bastards, what?

Well, we can keep
each other company now.

Oh, yeah. f*ckin' sure.
[ Chuckles ]

Me father, God rest him,
got me in there.
That's right.

Never forget comin' home
with me first wage packet.

Ran all the way with
me hand in me pocket to stop
me money from fallin' out.

And a bag of fruit slices.

I was more excited about them
than I was about the money.

I knew me sisters
would go mad when they saw them.

Marie's young one has epilepsy,
did I tell you?

N-no. Is that right?

[ Sobbing ]

It'll be all right. Come on.
There's people looking at you.

Well, what am I
going to do, Larry?

[ Laughing ]

- You were a poxy Baker anyway.
- Now, now, now. There's no
bleedin' need for that.

[ Belching ]
Come here.
Come here.

This lump sum,
how much will you be getting?

Don't tell him.
Don't know.
A few thousand.

- I-I don't know.
- We got bleedin' nothing.

[ Chuckling ]
He'll cr*ck up
without something to do.

Will you shut up, the f*ck?
There's loads of things
for him to do.

- Like what?
- Do up his house.

His house is already done up.
It's like f*ckin' Graceland.

His garden then.
There's loads of things
for him to do.

Shut up, the lot
of youse. A toast.
Yeah, a toast.

To unemployment.
Unemployment.
Oh, Jesus.

¶ Row, row, row the boat ¶

¶ gently down the stream ¶

¶ merrily, merrily
merrily, merrily ¶

¶ life is but a dream ¶¶

¶ hey ¶¶

sugar puffs?
No, got them.

Shredded wheat.
Yuck!

No, something.
I've definitely
forgotten something.

I can feel it.
Stop fighting there.

At least you'll be at work.

Oh, love,
there will be more work.

There will.

Stop fighting now,
or these go. Now!

About bleedin' time.

You coming for a game?
Oh, no.

Come on. Why not?
I have to bring
the kids swimming.

No, you don't.
The water will still
be there tomorrow.

And the day after tomorrow.

I hate swimming.

Come on.

Right sleeve, left sleeve.

I don't want to.
You'll only b*at me again.
I'll give you sh*ts.

I don't want sh*ts.
Shut up.

Keep your head down.

Club back.

Now then.
What?

Hit it.
I can't.

Of course you can.
Go on.

I can't.
You're making me nervous.

Me eyes are closed.
Lookit.

Good man. Lovely.

Oh, good Jesus.
[ Man ]
Hey!

[ Chuckling ]

Hey, you f*ckin' clown!
Sorry.

No harm done.

Keepin' your
f*ckin' ball for that.

[ Chuckling ]

Empty.
We might be in luck. Come on.

It should be on
at night, you know.
It's good enough to be.

No one. Jesus!

¶¶ [ TV theme music ]

Here we are, bang on time.
Sit down there.

[ Male announcer ]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Teresa lowe.

- Your woman's
a fine thing, isn't she?
- Hello there,

and welcome to
where in the world, swhere
two more teams are itching...

how many sugars
do you take?
One and a bit.

Grand.

¶ And I can't get used to not
living next door to Alice ¶

¶ Alice, Alice
who the f*ck is Alice ¶¶

how are you, Mary?
How was work?

Great. Loads of dirt
on the carpets.
I love that.

I have bimbo inside.

I'm trying to cheer him up,
show him the ropes, you know.

"George eliot."
Never heard of him.

Her.

Oh. Uh.
I'm thinking of taking
a few classes meself.

You're too late.
You'll have to wait
till next year.

Oh, well.

There, that's better, what?

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

I'll leave you alone.

Any hard ones yet?
Mind you, the prizes
are utter shite.

I never heard of him.
You did. Axl.

- I f*ckin' didn't.
- You f*ckin' did.

Swear-box, ma.
I was only quoting him.

- Axl?
- ¶ Take me back
to paradise city ¶

¶ where the grass is green
and the girls are pretty, oh ¶

yo, ma.
Hey, give us a look at that.

Now, which one is axl?

Oh, geez.
No wonder the young ones
scream when they see him.

Look at the state of him.
[ Chuckles ]
He's only jealous.

So what about you?
Look at the state of you.

Don't forget who
paid for that dinner
in front of you, son, all right?

I know who paid for it.
The state.

- You prick.
- Stop that.

The swear-box, now, go on.

This is lovely.

Uh, the Jacks.
Be back in a minute.

[ Gasps ] Stop it.

I was only joking.
Stop.

[ Woman on radio ]
Write that down,
and keep by the phone...

In case we ring,
and remember, we double that...

If you answer the phone
the right way.

[ Man ]
Don't say "hello."

Say, "dublin's better
music mix, 98 f.M.,"

and we'll give you two grand...

it's a lot better
than nothing, love.
After 25 years?

We'll find plenty
to do with it anyway.
We'll have a nice Christmas.

The last one.
Oh, stop it.

We could get two chickens.
They taste just as nice.

No way.
It's a f*ckin' Turkey
or nothing.

Lookit. We'll write
everything down and see
what we can get away with.

Ah, what's the point?
Oh, Larry.

[ Sighs ]
All right, go on then.

Right.

Presents first.

Nothing for you and me.

Okay?
Yeah.

- Diane?
- Look, a couple hundred quid
from a money lender. I know...

no, Larry.

Diane doesn't mind.

She doesn't need anything.

[ Cooing ] What about Kevin?

Jesus, I f*ckin' hate it.

Yeah.

Greenhouse effect, me bollocks.

It was lovely earlier though.

You wouldn't know what
to wear, so you wouldn't.

Wish I had a decent
f*ckin' coat.

Still asleep.

Just as well.

She makes enough noise,
doesn't she, bimbo?

That's what they're
supposed to do at her age.

She's lovely.
Isn't she, but?

Wish I could sleep like that.

Yes.
Oh, fabulous.

Nice one, what?

[ Chattering continues ]

[ Bimbo ] In you go.

It's a grand smell
comin' from the kitchen, what?

[ No audible dialogue ]

- What's that?
- [ No audible dialogue ]

Oh, thank f*ck for that.

[ Bimbo ]
Oh, hey, weslie!
[ Man ] Happy Christmas.

Come on.

Ah, there's the man.
[ Larry ]
How are youse?

Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.

Get that f*ckin'
pinny off you, will you?

How are you, vera?
Grand, Larry.
Happy Christmas, now.

Uh, the girls
are in the kitchen.
Good for them.

How are you, missus?

Hey, she's lookin' better
than she did last year.
Vera.

Bimbo, there's a funny whiff
off your mommy-in-law.

Stop!
I'm serious.

Go over.
Bimbo, the smell
is f*ckin' atrocious.

Oh, my God.

Is she after doing
something to herself?
Well, it could just be a fart.

But I'd check it out.

I can smell something meself.

Bimbo, this could ruin
your Christmas dinner.

[ Vera ] He did this
to his brother last night,
the exact same thing.

I can't smell anything.
Oh, you must have a cold,
because I'll tell you,

it's gettin' f*ckin' worse.

It isn't, is it?

God, this is desperate.

How are you, vera?
How are you, weslie?
Happy Christmas.

Never mind Christmas.
Your mother...

she has a name, you know.
That's not all
she has, chicken.

[ Laughing ]

f*ck. Sorry.

[ Laughing ]

[ Larry ]
Has to be here.
I seen it landing.

Look, say to yourself,
"ah, f*ck it. I'm giving up."
And start walking away.

Then you'll find it.

Any luck?
No.

It usually works.

I have a spare one
with me. Come on.

[ Larry ]
Come on, come on.
Be 20, be 20, be 20.

Yes! 20 quid!
Yea!

Twenty quid, 20 quid, 20 quid.
Lovely. Thank you very much.

Come on, little love.
[ Imitates motor revving ]

Yes. Fire away.
Yee-hoo!

Come on, we're drinking.
Ah, no.
It's your money.

Sure. You were
standin' beside me.
Hey, he'll pay.

[ Chuckles ]
And it's dawn run,
comin' in on the stand-side.

Sorry. Beep, beep.
[ Imitates motor ]

Queuin' in this weather
for a bag of food poisoning.
Yeah.

You have to hand it
to the vietnamese, but.
Come on, this will be nice.

[ Imitating motor ]

Yee-hoo!

- I gave her a pack
of the scampi fries.
- That's not a dinner.

Come on, kerrie.
We're going.

Lookit, I'm sorry.

What about a drink
before you go?
No.

All right.
Bye-bye, little love.

Ah, this is grand, what?
Oh, yeah. Great.

What time is it anyway?
Seven bells.

Jesus, tonight
Maggie will've given
me dinner to the cat.

Then eat the f*ckin' cat.

Sit down, for Jesus' sake.

The vietnamese
will feed us later.

So up I goes to the hatch, like.
"Name?" "Jerry McCarthy."

He's lookin' at me though,
over the specs, like.

"You not Gerry McCarthy,"
he says. "I am," I says.

"You're not," he says.
"I f*ckin' am," I says.

Does anyone want
a kettle jug?
How much?

"I know Gerry McCarthy,"
says he. "And you're not him.
"You f*ckin' idiot," I says.

"Do you think there's more
than one Gerry McCarthy in
the whole of f*ckin' Ireland?

"I mean, there's me father,
me grandfather, my seven
cousins called Gerry McCarthy.

There's 18 of us
in the one-area phone book."
He's still lookin' at me though.

"Here. Give us me money,"
I says, "or me and the other
Gerry mccarthys...

Will b*at
the f*ckin' head off ya."

Kettle jugs, lads,


No.
No.

Fair enough.
No problem.

You wouldn't have
a chipper van, I suppose,
would you, weslie?

- Just a thought.
- What about a Mr. whippy?

No.

- You have your heart set
on a chipper van?
- Yeah.

Not really.
Just if you see one.
I'll see what I can do.

¶ We sailed on the sloop
John b ¶

¶ my grandfather and me ¶ whoo!

¶ Around Nassau town
we did roam ¶

[ retching ]
¶ let me come home ¶¶

such a waste
of good f*ckin' money.

Hey, bimbo, come on.

The fresh air,
it'll fix you.
There's nothing wrong with me.

Shite.
Where have they gone?
Who?

The vietnamese.

They have to get out
before it gets dark...

Or they get bricked
over by the kids.

- Cause they're foreign?
- Suppose so. Alley oop.

Here we go.
¶¶ [ Whistling ]

The lads.
What are youse up to?

We're waitin' on your wife.

None of your lip.
Now, would that be
this lip or the other?

My name is Gerry McCarthy.

Do we know that fella's wife?

f*ckin' thing.

What's wrong with ya?

Me f*ckin' shoe!

Show me. Here.

You're useless.

If you didn't keep
biting your nails.

There.

Oh, bimbo's talking about
buying a chipper van.

You're not taking
your clothes off?

No!

Good night, John boy.

Good night, Mary Ellen.

Oh, f*ck.

[ Man on radio ]
An incurable dose
of world cup fever.

Classic hits, 98 fm.
This is the morning crew
with pat and Elaine.

The mystery sound of dublin
in five minutes, but first,

write down this
£1,000 cash call total.

[ Woman on radio ]
This hour it's £1,000 and 75 p.

Write that down
and keep it by the phone
in case we ring.

And remember, we double that
if you answer the phone...

you're not serious.
I knew you'd say that.

McDonald's, bimbo!

I'm just writing
to them, that's all.
They won't want you.

They only want
young ones and young fellas
that'll take those wages...

And wear the f*ckin' uniforms.

Not grown-up men
like you... like us.

I'm just writing.

You're used to this.

What?

I'm used to what?
Go on.

Doin' nothing.

Do you think I like it?
Do you think I'm lazy? Do you?

No.
Well, then.

You bollocks, you.

A great f*ckin' man.

I can't even go into
me own house till they're
ready to make room for me.

[ Chattering ]

Oi, youse busy?

What does it look like?

Come on. I wanna
show you something.

What?
Just come on.

This has potential
written all over it.
"Po-ten-tial."

Wait till you see.

Hey, come here. Look.

You could buy it with that.

[ Larry chuckling ]

Ahh.
The wheels are newish.

There's three more
behind there.

That'll save you a few Bob.

Ah, Jesus!
All she needs is a wash
and a shave under the armpits.

Yeah, which end
does it shite out of?
It's just dirt.

Maggie will have to see it.
I'll get her.
Off you go.

Hang on.

You have some f*ckin' neck,
do you know that?
Why is that?

Tryin' to get poor bimbo
to throw his money away
on this yoke.

I'm not tryin' to get bimbo
to throw his money away on
nothing. She's a good buy.

Solid. Dirt will
wash off no problem.

There's more than
dirt wrong with...
this is...

this is nothing
got to do with you.
I'm only expressing me opinion.

Stick your f*ckin' opinion.
Where's the hatch?

Do you know,
you're starting to
f*ckin' annoy me now.

Jesus.
Who'd wanna live
like this, huh?

Should be f*ckin'
ashamed of themselves.

It's not "they."
It's just "he."

She f*cked off and left him,

kids and all.

That's rough.

Why'd she leave him?
I don't know.

He's ugly, but.

What's she like?
I don't know.

f*ckin' kids are ugly as well.

Oh, my God.
[ Weslie ]
Maggie.

Use your imagination.
A few minutes with a hose
and some water,

a few hours... maybe a few hours
with a paint scraper,
she'll be perfect.

It's all there,
like, all the equipment
and that.

It's a bit...

what about the engine?

What engine
would that be, Maggie?

Hey, Larry, are you
pushing it or riding it?

f*ck off.
Larry, the kids.

f*ck them.

[ Chattering, laughing ]

Put your back
into it, Larry. Work.

What am I f*ckin' doing?

[ Chattering ]

[ Shouting, chattering ]

[ Groans ]

That was gas, wasn't it?

You know, the more I look at it,
the more I think we're after
getting a bargain.

God love him.

I can't take the bubbles.
I was thinking.

We'll have to have it ready
in time for the world cup.

There'll be no cookin' done
once it's started. Everyone
will be watching the telly.

So will I.

Should be smashing.

Do you wanna be
me partner, Larry?

What's that?
I was talkin'
to Maggie about it.

We'd make a great team.

Jesus, thanks very much, bimbo.

I don't know.
You'd be doing me a favor.

Oh, I know that.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, thanks very much.
f*ckin' hell, what a day.

- McDonald's can go and f*ck
themselves, is that right?
- That's right.

[ Laughing ] Hey.

Bimbo's burgers.
How does that sound?

I knew it.

[ Both laughing ]

You're something else,
you know that?

Hang on a second.
Do I have to
help you clean it?

Mary.
What?

You awake?
Only if you're awake.

Go on.

How do they make these?

Jesus.

I don't think they make them.
I think they just find them.

[ Chuckling ]

There.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay. Turn her off.

Turn it off!
[ Maggie ]
I heard ya.

What color is it
supposed to be anyway?

White.
Will you switch it
on to the hot tap?

I used up all the hot
doing the clothes.
Oh, God almighty.

How did it get grease
on the outside?

God knows. God, Larry.
It's gonna take ages.

Oh, not at all.
Well, it's half an inch thick.

Yeah, but we're thicker.
Come on, give me that.
Cheer up. Turn it on.

We'll be done by dinnertime.
Hey, hey-hey.

[ Shouts ]

Scrubbers!

Ignore them.

Scrubbers!

Jesus! All I want to do
is make a few chips!
You'll k*ll us.

Good.
Will you open the door?

Will you come on?
Will you get out?
Watch me!

Oh, f*ck.

Kerrie's asleep above us.

Sorry.

Sorry.
It took me ages
to make them chips.

Diane, is a simile
when you say something
is like something else?

Yeah, I think so.
As black as coal.

Right.
As white as snow. Thanks.

I have one for youse.

Me chips are burnt as f*ck.

I'm sorry.

Do you want a job, Diane?

Ah, I'd love one.
Serving?

Well, mucking in as well, but...

- oh, yeah. Thanks very much.
- No problem. It'd be nice.

A job.

She'll be great.
I know that.
I never said different.

Well, then?
Staff appointments
should be a joint decision...

Between the two of us.

Yeah, sorry.

I'll tell her
we don't want her.
Not at all. No way.

Just in the future, we make
these decisions together.
Is that all right?

Oh, yeah.
No problem.

She will be good, but.
I know that.

Oh, and, uh, sorry, uh...
ah, no, no, no.

Now, which one?

The first.
Champion burger.

- Yeah.
Definitely, yeah.
- The best, easily.

Which one did you think, mommy?

Very nice.

Which one, but?

Is it a quiz?

Champion.
Goin' once, twice.
Champion it is.

What's next?

Spice burgers.
Oh, Jesus.

I-I'm goin' for a pint.

It has to be done.

Not-not the best.

It's like
the inside of a leper.

Ah, just a squirt
gets the dirt.

Let's get a bit
of light in here anyway.
All right, all right, all right.

Oh, God! Jesus!

Oh, God, me heart.
f*ck your heart.

Nearly did a shite
in me trousers.

Needs a couple of screws.
For f*ck's sake.

Look, there's no
f*ckin' room in here.

You need the seven dwarves
for this job. Aha.

Hey.

[ Chuckling ] Now, now, lads.

Geez, they're massive,
made for this kind of work.

They're good at school
too though, Larry.
Glenn's tops in his class.

Aye, you can see that,
all right. They're messing
in there, bimbo.

No messing now, lads.
Take it easy.

Our Kevin's no thick either.

He's doing seven honors
in his leaving. Seven.

That's smashing.
Hmm.

Brains to burn.
Good-looking as well.

Then there's Mary
doing her leaving.

The brains pour out
of the house every time
I open the f*ckin' door.

We're lucky men.
Who are you telling?

[ Laughing ]

Are you sure she's
a painting student?

She is. Yeah.
In a college, Maggie says.

She can't draw
a straight f*ckin' line.

Shh. She'll be grand.
She'll be grand.
Okay.

Suit yourself.
It's your f*ckin' money.

That's grand now.

Blood's washed
off them already.

Look, I told you.

Here we go.

- Jesus!
- Mind the water.

Mind the water!
I'm trying to mind
the f*cking water.

Glenn, Wayne, Jessica.
Come on down here
and earn your keep.

I'm losing me grip.
Nearly there.
Nearly there.

God, she looks gorgeous.

Jesus, the weight.

Make you think twice about
eating them, wouldn't it?
No.

Me fingers are stuck.

God love you.
There you go.

The man from del monte.

Here, Wayne.
Come here. Show me.

[ Blows ]

There.
Is that better?
Yeah, but no.

Good man.

Ah-ah. I counted.

All right.

Oh, good.

She was f*cking
color-blind as well.

The burger looks
like a f*ckin' sausage.
Shut up, Larry, will ya?

It's nice and bright.

Is he still complaining?
Nah, he's grand.

God. I've got
the collywobbles.

Don't worry, love.
It'll be great.
Wait and see.

[ Imitating John Wayne ]
Take 'em to Missouri, men.

- Yee-haw!
- Yee-haw!

Yee...

you're gonna be late, Larry.
Shite, we're late, bimbo.
Hurry up.

[ Engine revving ]

[ Tires screech ]

Ouch, me bleedin' neck.
Can't even sue the bastard.

Come on, come on.

[ Bimbo ]
COD and a small: 1.65.
COD and a large: 1.85.

COD and a small: 1.65.

COD and a large...
Jesus!

Why didn't you
f*ckin' warn me?
I forgot you were there.

What?
I was concentrating.

Shite.
We need a mop.

We need a f*ckin' engine.
Come on, will ya?

No, Larry.
We've gotta get her ready.
Business is business.

We better not
miss anything.
We won't.

We better not.
They'll be up 2-nothing
by the time we get in there.

Jesus.

[ Male announcer ]
...To make sure that lineker
didn't reach the ball.

Come on, lads!

[ Bimbo ] Come on, Ireland!

There can only be a few more.
[ Announcer ]
Aimed at cascarino.

Won by butcher.

Now here's sheedy.

Sheedy's won it back
and sheedy sh**t!

[ Cheering ]

[ Announcer ] It was gonna take
a moment of inspiration
like that to break through.

And Kevin sheedy
has right out of nothing
captured the equalizer.

- [ Cheering continues ]
- Truly stupendous strike...

By the Everton midfielder.

- [ Announcer ]
A goal all of his own making.
- ¶ Sheedy, sheedy ¶

¶ who put the ball
in the English net
sheedy, sheedy ¶¶

[ announcer ]
And now, with less than


Ireland have a throw.

- Ray houghton, Tony cascarino.
- Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Mcloughlin trying to get in.
Robson getting it away.

Blow the whistle,
you f*ckin' bollocks!

McCarthy happy
to let it roll out of play.

- English thoughts that...
- [ Blows whistle ]
- [ Cheering ]

[ Announcer ] And its a great
result for Ireland. A point
certainly lost by england.

Maggie Thatcher,
Winston Churchill,
Lawrence of Arabia, Elton John,

you can all go
and f*ck yourselves!

[ Cheering ]

¶ Once again
a nation once again ¶

we better get going.
All right.
You lead the way. Go on.

¶ A nation once again ¶

¶¶ [ continues, indistinct ]

Diane, come on.
Yeah. Coming, dad.

¶¶ [ Continues ]

¶¶ [ Whistling ]

[ Crackling ]

Here we go.
Here we go.

Oh, Jesus.
Mind yourself.

Here we go.
They'll be gummin'
for chips tonight.

f*ckin' sure, they will.

Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, Jesus!
About to singe
me f*ckin' hair again!

Say your prayers.

Oh.

Will I open it?

[ Cheering continues, distant ]

Oh, shite.

Here, bimbo.

Oh, me fingers.

Jesus Christ, bimbo.
Could you not wait
till we sold something?

Well, I was a bit hungry.

Here's someone.

[ Larry ]
Yes, son.
A choc-ice.

- What?
- A choc-ice.

Will you f*ck off?
What's that?

- A big burger.
- Right. And what does it
say up there.

"Bimbo's...

Burgers."
Right. And what else?

"Fresh fish.
Today's chips today."

That's right.
It doesn't say anything
about a choc-ice, does it?

No.
Now, it doesn't. Sure,
it doesn't. So f*ck off!

Ah, dad, he's only
a little young fella.

Oh, shite!

Early days.
Me bollocks!

Don't mind me.

- [ Chattering ]
- Oh, there's people coming.
Loads of them.

[ Larry ] Oh, great stuff.

They're coming home from bingo.

Oh, Jesus!
Me eyes! Me f*ckin' eyes!

- Me eyes!
- That's shocking. Here.

- What will I do?
- I don't know. Take the orders.
Play it by ear.

[ Chattering ]

- How are youse?
- [ Chattering ]

Who's first?
[ Chattering continues ]

They won't listen to me.

A COD and a large one.

[ Diane ]
A COD and a large.
Here we go.

Yahoo! In you go,
you bollocks.

[ Diane ]
A fresh COD and a small.

A spice burger
and an ordinary burger.

- Two chips, two chips.
- Another COD.

Here, here, here, here.
Give us two...

here. Never mind them.
You come over here and help me.

Bimbo, you take over over there.
Shout them orders out again,
bimbo. We get them sorted out.

- What was it you wanted, love?
- COD and a large one.

Comin' up.

I hope she f*ckin'
chokes on them.

[ Bimbo ]
A spice burger and a large.

Do you sell sweets?
Yes, missus.
Mars or Twix just.

Uh, Twix.
Twix.
Sorry, bimbo.

There you go.
Best before April '92.
You've loads of time, huh?

[ Cheering ]

You better be quick
with that batter.

Why is that?

Oh. Mother of God.

You wanna get
out of the way there, missus.
You'll be f*ckin' trampled on.

[ Cheering continues ]

Oh, good f*ck.
Pearl f*ckin' harbor.

[ Cheering ]

[ All shouting ]

Form a queue!

Get back! Push back there!

- People are getting
crushed up here!
- f*ck them!

- You're barred!
Now, now, what do you want?
- Curry chips.

- No curry chips.
- Why not?

'Cause we're not
f*ckin' Chinese.
This is an Irish chipper.

- Next.
- Hold on. I'll have a large
single and a spice burger.

Large single
and a spice, Diane.
This is the business.

- Right. You with the head.
What do you want?
- World peace.

You're barred.

Will you watch that?
[ Chuckles ]

Ah, will you look at me shoes?

Buy yourself
a new pair.
Oh, nice one.

[ Chuckles ] Fair enough, what?

Home so...

Jesus, a new pair.

Ma.

Ma, lookit.
I don't know what it is.

There. Lookit.
God, it's like
a rash or something.

I don't know.
Here. Give us a look.

Geez, that's gas.
I-I have it too. Look.

I shaved over it,
but it's still there though.

Do you know what it is?
What?

The fat coming up
off the hot plate.

See, you were on the left,
and I was on the right.

Geez, poor bimbo
must be in tatters.
He was in the middle.

[ Laughing ]
Ha, ha.
Humor.

How did the exam go?
Okay.

Okay? Only okay?

Stick out your tongue.

Ah, I knew it.
Black spots. You were lying.

You did brilliantly, right?
Okay.
I did brilliantly.

[ Cheering ]

Yes, sausage.
Over there. Over there.

Over there.

We're running out.
What?

We're running out.

Last sausages going now.

There you are.

You're not to spend
all that on food,
do you hear me?

You buy something nice
for yourself.

Yes, master.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Announcer ]
And it's now Romania's second
substitute, Daniel timotte.

Dynamo bucharest, midfield
player, to step forward.

The sequence now is,
that if he should miss this,

and Ireland's last
penalty taker should score,

then the match
and the progress are Ireland's.

Timotte against bonner.

Yeah! He's f*ckin' good! Yes!

[ Announcer ]
The big man from donegal
has set it up...

For the victory.

[ Fans ] ¶ one packie bonner ¶

¶ there's only one
packie bonner ¶

[ announcer ]
This is the moment
that he'll treasure...

For the rest of his days,
I'm sure.
¶ one packie bonner ¶

¶ there's only one
packie bonner ¶

and who will step forward
to assume the task?
¶ one packie bonner ¶¶

David O'Leary of arsenal.
David O'Leary?

He'll be grand.
He takes all
arsenal's "penos."

He never took a "peno"
in his life.

Oh, Jesus, you're cracked, lads,
I'm tellin' you.
Shut up. Shut up.

[ Announcer ]
In his 52nd
international appearance,

David O'Leary is entrusted
with the responsibility...

Of taking the penalty
that could send Ireland...

Into the quarter finals
of the world cup.

This kick can decide it all.

The nation holds its breath.

Highlander crew
to the quarter finals
of the world cup.

This is the kick
that sent Ireland through...

- To the world cup
quarter finals.
- What a team.

What a f*ckin'...

[ sniffles ] I love Ireland.

I love Ireland.

So do I.
I love Ireland, Maggie.

[ Laughing ]
I know you do, love.

[ Announcer ] After extra time,

and in the high drama
of the finale...

he can nail me to the bed
any time he wants.

I know what you mean, love.

There was nothin' to it.

I just had to apply
to the corporation,
and that's what I did.

Great stuff.
So we have our own patch down
on the beach anytime we want.

Brilliant, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.

I'm off to the cash-and-carry.
See youse later.

See you, love.
That woman...
she's a revelation.

You never know what's hidden.
Sure, you don't.

Oh, you sure don't.

Jesus.

[ Announcer ] Looks for...

Donadoni.

Schillaci...

schillaci has scored again.

That's that, I suppose.

It's not over yet.
Come on.

Ah, well.

[ Announcer on TV ]
Terrific sh*t by donadoni...

That packie bonner
could only parry.

No defender
responded quicker...

Than the quickest responder
in the world cup,
schillaci.

What are you lookin' at?

[ Engine starts ]

Yeah!
Oh, yeah, boy-o.

[ Laughing ]
See? I told you.

Ye of little faith.

[ Horn honking ]

[ No audible dialogue ]

Ye, hee, hee, hee, ha!

It's very smooth.
Now it's a business,
yeah.

[ Chuckling ]

Hey, hey, mind that...
well, Jesus!
[ Clattering ]

What was it?

Jack Russell.
Oh, geez.

Is he dead?
Yeah, but it wasn't
a thoroughbred. Keep going.

- Gee, the poor thing.
- Keep goin', will ya?

We'll send 'em a wreath.

[ Laughing ]
I'm not really laughing.
I think it's terrible.

Sorry.

[ Tires squeal ]

- What are we doin' up here?
- Look at them all...

like well-cooked burgers.

Sunburnt... and hungry.

Oh, Jesus.

Yahoo!
Come on, Diane.

[ Chattering ]

Here, it's supposed
to be a straight line.

Get into a straight line.

Back to the back.
Go on.

That'll teach you
about saying things
under your breath.

Yo, missus,
he didn't say it.
I know what I heard. Go on.

[ Larry ] ¶ I was born ¶

¶ under a wanderin' star ¶

¶ I was born ¶

[ with Larry ]
¶ under a wanderin' star ¶

¶ wheels were made
for rollin' ¶

¶ meals were made to pack ¶

¶ I never seen a sight
that didn't look better
lookin' back ¶

¶ I was born ¶

¶ under a wanderin' star ¶¶

[ squalling ]

Oh, Jesus. Not again.

Here. How's the water?
Shocking.
Filthy dirty, it is.

Here. That's the chips.
And a COD.

You wouldn't put
your worst enemy swimming in it.
Yes, I would.

Jesus. Holy...
[ Squalling continues ]

- Here. Back in a minute.
- [ Groans ]

[ Pounding ]
If an inspector comes...

what inspector?
Will ya calm down?

Come on, hurry up.
Hurry up, will you?

Make sure nothing drops
in the chips.

[ No audible dialogue ]

[ Squalling continues ]
There now.

Enjoy your meal.
Cheerio.

Diane, take over here, will you?
I need oxygen.

Hey. Cheer up,
droopy drawers.

Six singles, please.

Uh, no. Seven.
May as well.

I don't want them chips.
Well, you're
gettin' them.

I only own three of them.

They're lovely.
They're bastards,
every f*ckin' one of them.

This'll be the last.
With a bit of luck
it'll be deaf and dumb.

Right. Queue up
for your "chipses."

- Me first.
- Your mammy first.

She's always first.

[ No audible dialogue ] Hey!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Come on out here,
all of you!

What's your problem?
I'll tell you what.

This is a queue.
What's your problem?

It's your problem.
The fish?

"The fish."
Yeah, it's fresh.

- It was grand and hard
comin' out of the freezer.
- I bit into it.

That's what you're
supposed to do.

You think you're supposed
to ride it?

It's not fish.

Oh, f*ck.
What is it?

It's white.
It's a nappy.

Aw, f*ck off, would you?
He's right, Larry.
Fouled it up.

Oh, God, that's shockin'.
She must have put it
in the batter.

Shut up!
Is it a used one?

No.
Ah! Well, that's
all right then, huh?

It looks like a bit
of fish folded up.
That's gas.

Your money back
and a can of coke.
How's that sound?

Were the chips all right?
What's your name?

A tenner.
That's me final offer.
I have the evidence.

Shove the f*ckin' evidence.
Here, get out, you,
and start the van.

Go on.
Which of youse is bimbo's?

Ah, me arse.
It must be terrible
being bald in weather like this.

I'm remembering all of this.

Old man, cheerio now,
baldy conscience.
Keep in touch.

[ Shouts ]

[ Baby squalling ]

Oh, he'll get the registration.
No, it's in bimbo's shed.

He might be followin' us.

Good point.

Hey! Hey!
Here.

You'll k*ll him!
What?

Hey! Here's some more
evidence for you. Look.

Huh? Here.
[ Cackling ]

- None of this
would ever have happened...
- Aw, shut up.

You've been
great pals for years.

You should try
and make sure that
it stays that way.

Don't worry, love.
The two of you.

Don't worry.
It's just...

he's not used to sharing...

and working with someone else.

He hasn't worked in years.

You're a very
patient man, love.
No.

He's gas sometimes.

It's grand.
Good.

He doesn't really like me.
Sure, he doesn't.

He does.
No.

He doesn't.

Ah. Doesn't matter.

The summer's
nearly over,
remember.

We have to think ahead.

Right.
The horse show.

Waste of time.

The horsey crowd
don't eat chips.

They only eat caviar
and that sort
of shite.

And pheasant.
Exactly.

You'd be all day
trying to get the batter
to stay on a pheasant.

Okay. There's some
concerts comin' up.

Give us a look.

"Megadeth."
You ever hear
of them, Larry?

Yeah. You'd love them.
They're heavy metal.

- Do heavy "metallers"
eat chips, Larry?
- Probably.

Megadeth.

¶¶ [ Sings fanfare ]

Hey, don't mind me.

See youse.

[ Knocking ]

Do youse mind
if I get the results
on the ceefax?

[ Door opens ]

¶ United ¶ [ Chuckles ]

Here. I might have
a job for you,
if you want it.

It looks like
Diane's gonna be busy in
the evenings for a while.

She's in there...
don't say anything dirty,
please.

I'm a vegetarian.

- What? Since when?
- Tuesday.

Ah, now here. Here.
Leave him be.

They're his own opinions.
Okay, okay.

Good luck to you.

Do vegetarians
eat fish?
Some do.

Do you?

Yeah.
Oh, that's grand.

You can do the fish, and me
and bimbo'll look after
the rest. How's that?

Okay so.
Sound.

What about burgers?
There's f*ck-all
meat in them.

No.
Good man. Good man.

Stick to your principles.

That's the second time
you've done that.

Who else is there?
There's plenty.

Maggie's brother.

Well, why didn't you say?
I didn't know.

It's nothin'.
Have your money ready.

You didn't know what?

I didn't know
the situation was vacant.

It's not fair.
[ Chuckling ]
"Fair"?

Fair?

[ Man ]
¶ for goodness sake ¶
all right, now.

- ¶ I got the hippy
hippy shakes ¶
- Whoo!

- ¶ Yeah, I got the shakes ¶
- Ha, ha. Oh, what the heck.

¶ I got the hippy
hippy shakes ¶

¶ ooh! I can't sit still ¶

get away.
¶ with the hippy, hippy shakes ¶

¶ yeah, I get my fill now ¶

¶ with the hippy, hippy shakes ¶

¶ yeah, it's in the bag ¶ stop.

¶ Ooh! The hippy, hippy shake ¶
da, lookit!
Geez.

- ¶ Well, now you shake it
to the left ¶
- [ Laughing ]

Did you see radar caprani
lookin' at me?
Don't mind her.

She's only jealous.
What?

Maybe you're right.
[ Laughs ]

¶ Yeah, come on and shake ¶
[ Squeals, laughs ]

[ Mary laughing ]
Did you see daddy outside
in the garden? Jesus!

- Get out!
- ¶ Hippy, hippy shake ¶

[ continues on radio ]
¶ I can't sit still ¶

¶ with the hippy, hippy shake ¶
[ No audible dialogue ]

¶ Yeah, I get my fill now ¶

¶ with the hippy, hippy shake ¶

¶ yeah, it's in the bag ¶

¶ ooh! The hippy, hippy shake ¶

God almighty!

Sorry.

Here. Show us your money.
Your hands are sweaty.

So's your bollocks.
[ Laughter ]

Ha, ha, ha.

[ Boy ] A sausage and chips.

- Sausage and chips.
- Sausage!

[ Hot oil sputtering ]

Where are you goin' now?

I'm sorry.

That was bad, right?

Sorry.

I'll get back in.

Sorry.

Where the bloody hell were you?

Sorry.

Two pounds, ten.
I've only got
two pounds.

Here.

Two pounds.

[ Giggles ]
Did you see
what he done?

Give us a large
smoked there, please.
A large smoked.

Smoked COD...
Kevin, that's your department.

Geez. The heat in here
will k*ll you.
It's bad, all right.

Desperate.

You know, this place
should be called
bimbo's and Larry's burgers.

No.

It wouldn't sound right.
Ah. You're right.

Too long.
Yeah.

[ Clamoring ]

Here, stop that now, lads.
Come on.
[ Boy ] "Stop that now lads."

[ Larry ]
Who said that?
[ Boy ] He did.

Stop! That's me f*ckin'
guitar hand!
That's your wankin' hand.

Out! Come on.
Gone too far.
Get up.

Look at me f*ckin' threads.
Thirty poxy pounds' worth.

This is ridiculous, Larry.
You think so?

It's supposed to be
a bloody business.
Hey, come on.

Enough is enough now.
Stop...
[ Groans ]

Jesus Christ.

Door... the f*ckin' door.
Get out of the way.

Oh, Jesus.

Jesus.

Fred Astaire.

Bastards.
It must be dr*gs.

They're f*ckin' zombies.
[ Glass shatters ]

Suppose you're gonna
blame me in this as well.

Sorry.

It's just that...
it'll get to you.

- Do you know
what we need, bimbo?
- What?

A night on the batter.
It'll do us good.

- What do you say?
- Right, then.

Okay.
Good man.

Just the two of us.
We'll have a ball.

- Okay.
- Grand!

¶ I'm in the mood for dancin' ¶

[ chuckles ] ¶ romancin' ¶

¶ feel like takin'
a chance... ¶¶
look at that one, Larry.

Here. Stop lookin'.

It's your night off, right?
[ Chuckles ]

[ Man chattering on TV ]

The first of many.
Lovely.

The fourth of many.

Here. Back me up, right?

[ No audible dialogue ]
How are youse, girls?

Hey, pal.

"Lezzers."

Your women.
Them.

How can you tell?
They're with each other.

You can just tell.

Ah. This is the life, huh?

[ Larry ]
There it is. Lookit.

Here. What color socks
are you wearing?

Uh, blue.
Blue, it looks like.
Thank God for that.

They won't let you in if
you're wearing white socks.
Why not?

I don't know.
Wankers and "bolloxers"
wear white socks.

Wouldn't you think
they'd cop on and wear
a different color?

That's why they're wankers,
I suppose.

I'll do the talkin', all right?

How are you, lads?
We're after comin'
from a conference.

Go on in, sir.
Go on.

Thanks very much.

Now shut up, for f*ck's sake.

Good bouncers
can smell fear.
They're like dogs.

[ Bouncer ]
Good to see you again.

¶¶ [ Dance b*at ]

Sorry, girls.
Uh, two pints
when you're ready.

Wine bar only.
What? Are you serious?

[ Bimbo ] What's wrong?
[ Woman ]
Try the wine.

- The house red's
very nice.
- Is that right?

Are youse drinkin' it
yourselves?
We are, yeah.

Aren't we, Anne Marie?
Yeah.

Oh, that's grand.
We'll try a drop
of that, what?

Here, pal.
A bottle of
house red wine.

I'm Larry, by the way,
and this is bim...
Brendan.

Hello, Brendan.
My name's dawn.

This is Anne Marie.
Hi.

Just park it there, son.

Don't fancy yours
too much, huh?

He wants to know
do you want
to taste it first?

Oh, f*ckin' sure I do.
I... oh.

Pardon the French, dawn.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, yeah.
A-one, a-one.

Pour away.
How much is that?

It's £27, please.

That's grand.
[ Clears throat ]
Here you go.

Uh, keep the change.
Thanks very much.

No problem.

For f*ck's sake.

[ Dawn ]
Cheers, Larry.
Oh, yes, indeed.

Cheers, dawn.

- Cheers, Brendan.
- Oh, thanks very much.

Twenty-seven f*ckin' pounds.

Here. What do you think
of mine, boy? Huh?

Hey. Don't look.

I can tell you're a tough boss
to work for, Larry.
What? No.

No, not really.
I'm reasonable enough.

I don't take shite from anyone,
but once that's established,
you know...

[ woman ]
¶ because you're mine ¶

¶¶ [ indistinct ]

¶ Let's set you free ¶

¶ give me the b*at ¶¶

here, chum.
Another bottle
of the house red wine.

Oh! There youse are.

How are things
at your end, huh?
Your complexions are very good,

considering
you work in a chipper van.

You f*ckin' idiot.

Uh, we're building up
a fleet of them.

Oh! There's
the red wine. Look.
Yeah, my twist.

Ninety-seven quid,
isn't that it?
[ Bartender ] That's it.

That's a funny thing to do
for a living, really,
isn't it?

No, not really.

¶¶ [ Slow dance ]

Now, now.

Sorry.

His nickname's bimbo.

Stop that.

Aw, go on.
[ Groans ]

No.

f*ck you.

Where the f*ck is he?

Come out.

Come on.
I know you're in there.

[ Toilet flushes ]

What's wrong with you?
Come out!

[ Groans ]

You all right?

Well, it's not thanks
to you if I am.

[ Groans ]

You messed it up for me
with your woman.
How did I?

It's not my fault
if she didn't
like you.

I was away on a hack
till you opened your mouth.

What did I say?
You told them
about the f*ckin' van.

What's wrong with that?

Is it not good enough for you?

It pays your wages.

If you don't want to work
in it, you can leave
anytime you want.

I'm sick of you
and your bullying.

Oh, you got off
with your woman and I...
[ Groans ]

Sorry.

[ Exhales ]

That's the stupidest row
we've every had.

Thick.
f*ckin' ridiculous.

We'll go home, will we?

Yeah.

Here.

What about Anne Marie?

[ Chuckles ]

I don't want...

let's go home.

[ Mary ]
I got an "a."

What?

Me exams...
I got an "a."

Your results?

Kevin is after
gettin' seven honors.

Brilliant.

Is he, um...
is he downstairs, is he?

He's down there makin' coffee,
like as if nothin' happened.

Ah, that's Kevin, what?

As cool as a...

oh, Jesus. I'm delighted.

Uh, I'll get up now
and congratulate him.

In a minute.

God, I'm useless.

A wage.

Yeah.

From now on, every week.

It was too messy
the other way, so...

okay?
Okay.

Where'd you get the envelopes?

Eason's.
He's a good man.

All by yourself?

[ Children playing outside ]

[ Glass breaks ]

Maybe I'm just being mean.
No.

You're dead right.

[ Boy shouts ]

How many did I put in?
That would be
the fourth.

God.

Just shows you
where me head is.

You really think
I'm doing the right thing?

Yes, I do.

She's probably sewin'
a f*ckin' uniform
for me.

Orange, you know?

And a f*ckin' hat.

Oh, the bitch.
I hate her.

I should tell him
to stick his wages
up his ass.

You should join a union.
No.

Frighten the shite
out of him.
[ Chuckling ]

Leo, what union are you in?

The Irish national union
of vintners, grocers
and allied trade assistants.

There you are.

¶¶ [ Rock ] [ Chattering ]

Larry.

Larry!

I'm on me break.

I'm entitled
to 10 minutes' break...

For every two hours
that I work.

Yeah. Every two hours.

The both of us.
Stop messin', will ya?

I'm not messin'.
I'm entitled to me break.

There you go.
Kevin as well.

You leave me out of this.

Jesus. We've done nothin'
all night, except till
a few minutes ago.

Not the point.
Not the point at all.

- My union rep told me...
- Union?

I was available for work.

I've five minutes left,
then I'll sweat for you...

- sir.
- [ Man ]
Burger and chips.

I don't do burgers.

[ Man ]
Who's gonna get
me f*ckin' burger?

[ Bimbo ]
Right. What was it
you wanted?

[ Man ]
Put sausage on everything.

Any onion rings?

Burger and chips.

God, your feet!

Sorry.

How was it tonight, love?

Grand.

Grand.

How are ya?
Des o'Callaghan.

I'm an environmental
health officer with
the eastern health board.

Then you're not
in the union?
Uh, no.

I'm going to have
to inspect your premises.

Have you got
a warrant?
Uh, I don't actually need one.

I'm entitled to inspect
these premises under
the food hygiene act.

Uh-huh.

Can I see your hands, please?

Aw, now, here.

Do we pass?
I'm afraid not.

I'm finished.

I'm gonna have
to close you down, lads.
Now, hang on a minute.

Just hear me out, please.
Thanks.

Which one of you
is the proprietor?

I am. I am.

All right, Mr. Reeves...
mm-hmm.

I have to tell you
that your van...

Poses a grave
and serious danger
to public health.

I'm closing you down now.

Hey, what about
our f*ckin' jobs?
Shut up, will ya?

The floors are filthy.

The walls are filthy.

The foodstuffs aren't
properly covered or stored,

and you are...
Personally unclean...

especially your colleague.
I'm sorry.

Your fingernails
are what my mother
would call a disgrace.

There are enough breaches
of the food-hygiene regulations
in here...

To land you a hefty fine,
and even a custodial sentence.
What, jail, do you mean?

Aw, pull the other one.
Just shut up.

It's not that bad.
Yes, it is.

A week, Mr. Reeves...
I'm giving you a week.

However, Mr. Reeves,
I must warn you,

if you fail to carry out
even one of the demands
on this list,

I'm going to have
to close you down.

Cheerio.

[ Larry ] Nice fella, what?

I hope you're happy now.

I had nothing to do with this.

Yeah.
I didn't.

I never saw or heard
of him before today.

This is crazy.
It has nothing
to do with me.

So you said.
Are you listening
to me? Are you?

Let me up.
I will.
Just listen to me.

Now, your man coming
here today had nothing
to do with me, right?

I didn't rat on you.

Do you believe me?

Yeah. Yeah, I believe you.

Right.

We-we can get
the van fixed.
Don't worry.

If it hadn't been
for your man, it would
have been something else.

What's that
supposed to mean?
You were gonna get me anyway.

What do you mean?
One way or another,
with your union or...

shut up!
Make me.

You told someone
about me and that woman
in the nightclub.

No, I didn't.
You told weslie.

I didn't.

[ Sobs ] Does Maggie know?

Am I that bad?

Yeah.

I pay you well.
Don't I?
Don't I, Larry?

Yes. Yes, you do.
Yeah.
Well, then?

It's just,
when we started...
when we got the van...

when I bought the van,
do you mean?

Forget it.
When I... when me and Maggie
bought the van.

[ Bimbo ] Come on back.

f*ck off.
Come on!

f*ck off!

[ Both grunting, groaning ]

[ Both groan ]

[ Both panting ] Lord.

Sorry.

Let's go for a pint.

[ Chattering ]

The eastern health board.
f*ck off.

Aw, Larry.
"Aw, Larry," nothin'.

I won't be goin' back.
Yeah.

I'll pay you your
redundancy money
though, Larry.

Thanks very much.
I'll buy a f*ckin'
chipper van with it.

What happened, Larry?

I don't know.
Two pints.

Come on, Larry.
Come on.

The best worker in the wo...
[ Laughs ]

The f*ckin' world.

Fifty-fifty.
You know? What do you say?

Fifty-fifty.
What are you
f*ckin' talkin' about?

Fifty-fifty.

A half for me and...
the way it was.

Forget it.
Go on.

Partners.
Forget it.
f*ck that.

No way.

Larry, you're my best friend.

Bollocks.

- I'm going to k*ll it.
- What?

I'm going to k*ll the poxy van.

Hey, come back here, you.

Bimbo, come back.
It's my round.

Here, stop.
Come back in, bimbo.

Jesus. Come in.

It'll wait
till tomorrow.
No, Larry.

Oh, f*ck.

[ Tires screeching ]

- Here! Wake up.
- No problem.

- [ Horn honking ]
- Jesus!

[ Screaming ] Geez!

- That was Wally.
- f*ck the jelly.

That was Wally there.
The dirty bollocks.
Did you see him?

Did you f*ckin'
see him?
Who?

Wa...
mind the f*ckin' roundabout.

Are you ready, Larry?

Who'd get into a car
with that shite bag?

Here goes.

[ Engine revving high ]

- You'll regret it.
- No, I won't.

Not me.

[ Larry ] Don't do it.

I don't want you
to do it, bimbo.

Mission accomplished.

Whoa! Oh, Jesus!

[ Groaning ]

Where are you,
you f*ckin' idiot, you?

Oh, Jesus.
The pain, the pain!

[ Groans ]
The pain.
[ Whimpering ]

Aw, come on, bimbo.
It's done.

I did it!
I did it, Larry.

Come on before we die.

Easy-peasy.
Easy-peasy,
my bollocks.

f*ck.

[ Groans ]

Geez.

A day at the seaside.
Christ.

[ Groans ]

Come on.

Shoes and socks, bimbo.
Come on.

You'll catch your death.

We'll be able
to come back for it
when the tide's out.

I'm sorry, bimbo.

[ Larry ]
We'll be able
to get it back.

We can come back with shovels.

No.

What's wrong?

Give us a hug, Mary, will ya?

I need a hug.