[Man] Mission Control,
come in.
Mission control,
do you read?
Mayday!
Mayday!
On reentry into Earth's orbit,
I seem to have fallen into
I don't know, some kind of tear
in time and space.
My coordinates are unknown.
Is this even Earth?
Ship's instrument indicate
should be White Sands,
New Mexico, obvious error.
Is anyone receiving this?
Come back.
[ animal roars ]
Recovery team!
Recovery team,
fix coordinates now!
Where the hell am I?
Somebody respond!
Recovery team, come back,
g*dd*mn it!
{\an5}Does anybody--
[ cries out ]
Oh, God, oh, God!
{\an5}[ thud ]
Does anyone re--
{\an5}No!
[ roars ]
[Announer] This is "Today,"
with Matt Lauer.
We're back now with
Dr. Rick Marshall,
{\an8}whose new book arrives
{\an8}in stores tomorrow.
It was back in Oslo,
doctor, last month
that you just startled
your colleagues
with this theory of yours
that takes science in
a completely new direction.
-Quantum--
-Quantum Paleontology.
Quantum Paleontology,
that's correct.
What exactly is that?
Well, it's-- it's,
uh, not to say modestly,
it's our very future, Matt.
It's the only real solution
to solving this fossil fuel
crisis we're experiencing,
and it boils down to
two simple words.
-Renewable biofuels.
-Close.
Time warps.
-Time warps?
-Time warps?
-You're serious about this.
-I'm deadly serious.
Uh, five years,
over $50 million
on my research.
You've spent $50 million
of your own money
studying time warps?
No, that's adorable.
No, uh, taxpayers' money.
I don't have $50 million.
And now you're asking
for more?
{\an4}-It's all explained
in my book.
-I know, we plugged the book.
My Other Car
Is A Time Machine.
Bantam Books.
Amazon.
We're living
in a time right now,
uh, with huge cuts
in spend-- I saw,
-huge cuts in spending.
-Right.
We're in dire
economic straits,
and you're spending
$50 million
on studying time warps.
How do you not think
that's irresponsible?
-Well, I--
-Are you smoking?
No, I'm making
a balloon animal here.
But you can't smoke
in the studio.
-Okay, no one told me that.
-Just, you can't.
Look-- fine.
There are huge,
huge amounts
of trans-dimensional energy
out there just waiting for us
to throw the switch--
energy crisis averted.
You are asking people
to stake the entire future
{\an5}-of industrialized
civilization...
-Mm-hmm.
on what you call
"parallel dimensions."
What about the critics who
have a fair question, doctor?
They say this theory
of yours is not science.
It is non-science.
And some are even more blunt
and they say, "it's nonsense."
-How do you respond to that?
-My critics?
Your critics,
and there are a lot of 'em.
-Can you be more specific?
-Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Hawking
says this is nonsense.
That's his word.
Okay, you know what?
This interview's over.
{\an5}-Why?
-'Cause, like,
your producer said
you wouldn't bring that up,
all right?
It's a fair question.
No, it's not!
It's a hatchet job!
{\an5}-That was my guest
Dr. Rick Marshall...
- g*dd*mn right it was!
whose book arrives
in stores tomorrow.
You might want to look
for it in the
"I'm out of my freaking mind"
department.
When we come back--
trampolines.
Summer fun or silent k*ller?
[Man] Wait, wait, wait!
Are you out of your mind?
-He's so strong!
-What are you, crazy?
{\an8}[ shrieking ]
[Marshall] Ladies and gentlemen,
esteemed colleagues
I'll conclude with this.
Our very future depends on
one thing.
Tachyons, subatomic particles
that move so incredibly fast,
they actually
travel backwards in time.
Ask yourself,
what if there was a device
that could harness
these tachyons?
We could open and travel
through warps in time and space.
What's that?
Not in our lifetime?
My friends,
I've designed such a device.
I give to you
the tachyon amplifier--
Genius in a box.
Only with this device,
you don't travel
forwards or backwards.
You travel sideways in time
to another dimension
where past, present
and future all meet.
And lights!
All right, any questions?
Oh, great, yes.
Uh, you right there,
young man.
[Boy] Yeah.
If you sh*t a ton of pot
at the sun,
would it burn up
and get everybody high?
No, no, no.
Are there any real questions
that pertain to science?
Do you take Cialis?
[Boy] Why were you
crying in the bathroom
before this presentation?
How come it looks like
you're about to cry now?
Do dinosaurs have boobs?
That's it. That's it.
Everybody outta here.
Get outta here!
Go play in the parking lot.
Go run around on the freeway,
I don't care.
[Man] Okay, guys,
let's get some sugar.
I have a question.
Did you ever try to make
the tachyon amplifier?
Who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Holly Cantrell.
I, uh, studied all your work
at Cambridge.
[ inhales sharply ]
I think you're brilliant.
Well, Holly from Cambridge
who thinks I'm brilliant,
I started but I didn't finish,
so, no.
Oh, no,
but you have to build it.
I mean, it's the most
incredible--
What are you eating?
It's a doughnut stuffed
with M&M's.
That way when you finish
the doughnut,
you don't have to eat
any M&M's.
But don't you see,
you were absolutely right.
-Everything--
-Stop!
Chasing that theory
got me laughed out
of mainstream science
and landed me here,
and you know what?
I don't have anyone
to blame but myself.
'Cause as they say,
"if you don't make it,
it's your own damn vault."
That's a bitch-slap of truth
right there.
If your theories
are such rubbish,
then explain this.
That fossil is over
with an imprint
of a $10 lighter.
Go on, explain that.
I found it out in the desert
along with crystals like this
that radiate pure
tachyon energy.
Go on.
Explain that.
[ door closes ]
Captain Kirk's nipples.
[Woman on loudspeaker]
The tar pits will be open
in five minutes.
Dr. Marshall,
please return the page.
[ knock on door ]
[ Marshall groans ]
[Holly] Dr. Marshall?
[ groans ]
Oh, my God!
[ groans ]
Are you all right? Hey.
[ groans ]
Up you get.
[ grunts ]
Here,
just lean against--
-Oh, dear.
-I'm fine.
I'm okay,
I just worked late.
Then I got hungry,
and I had several meals
and lapsed into
a food coma.
I've had issues
with food in the past,
[ inhales sharply ]
I don't know,
you know, just with the stress
of everything,
I just overdid it.
But I'm in control.
And I don't have
to go back to Phoenix.
Oh, I just I wanted to come
and apologize for yesterday.
-My behavior was just--
-No, no, no.
It was me.
You finished
the tachyon amplifier!
No, no, I mean, yes.
I don't know.
I-I finished building it,
yes, but... [ sighs ]
I didn't have the nerve
to test it out.
So I thought a trip to Arby's
might give me some courage,
but no dice.
Then I had Popeye's,
Del Taco.
I found myself down at Subway,
powering through
a 12-inch veggie on whole wheat,
babbling to a cutout
of Jared.
It still didn't give me
the strength
to turn that thing on.
-I'm a coward.
-You are not a coward.
You're a visionary.
[ sighs ] This is probably
the greatest work of genius
in the last 100 years.
[ Edward Kleban's
I Hope I get It playing ]
♪ God, I hope I get it ♪
♪ I hope I get it
{\an5}♪ I'll make-- ♪♪
[ music stops ]
Is that A Chorus Line?
It's leftover data
from the drive.
What a piece of crap!
[ music starts, stops ]
The machine, I mean.
Not A Chorus Line.
I love show tunes.
They really tell the story
of the human condition.
It's a bit gay.
It is great.
Right.
Dr. Marshall, you're gonna stop
selling yourself short.
We're on the verge
of major discovery.
{\an5}-Now get up.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa,
where are we going?
We're gonna go and test this
little device in the field.
Are you crazy?
I'm not prepared
for a field test.
No, I'm not gonna
make a big deal out of it.
It's just a routine expedition.
A routine expedition?
Purely routine.
[Holly]
Here, here it is.
This is where I found
the fossil--
The Devil's Canyon
Mystery Cave.
[Marshall]
This dump is a portal?
[Holly] Well, just look
at these readings.
We've just got to get back
in that cave.
[Marshall] No problem, the place
is obviously abandoned.
[Holly] Not exactly.
So what's your pleasure?
I got Roman candles,
bottle rockets,
twitter glitters,
dancing butterflies.
This little bitch here
I call the Mexican vasectomy.
Yeah?
Okay,
that's in bad taste.
How 'bout this?
This little travel mug I like
to call the perfect woman--
big old set of boobies,
no head, and a handle.
Unh-unh. Look, we want to go
in the cave, all right?
Okay, How about this?
Y'all spend $30 on crap.
I'll give you a deluxe tour.
It all goes to a great cause--
The Devil's Canyon resort
and casino.
Wow.
That's nice craft.
7,000 luxuriously appointed
rooms, three casinos,
one convention center,
ass tons of parking,
and when everything
is complete,
I will turn the tip
of this golden tepee
into my personal lair.
And I will take a mate
and live the rest of my life
with her up here,
and when we fight,
and she pisses me off,
I will banish her to this tip,
where she will be kept
as a prisoner and a sl*ve.
Not gonna buy anything?
Yeah, fine.
Hey, Ern, taking these guys
to the cave.
Watch the store.
Close your mouth
while you're breathing
like we talked about,
making everybody over here
feel weird.
Prepare to meet
your darkest fears
inside the depths of
the Devil's Canyon Mystery Cave.
Rule number one--
Keep your arms and legs
inside the boat.
Rule number two--
have a kick-ass awesome time,
but be warned,
you may get wet.
I'm sorry, "may"?
Actually, I need to know.
This equipment
cannot get wet.
Not you, Mary Poppins.
Bom-chikka-wow-wow.
Say that again
and I'll drown you.
Good to go.
Whoo!
Cave ride begins!
Whoo!
[ bangs ]
Cave-ologists
say this old cave
is 100 years old
and holds 1,000 mysteries.
Or is it 1,000 years old
and 100 mysteries?
Well, that my friends,
is just one of the mysteries.
Say what you will,
the man is a showman.
Without a doubt,
this cave is most infamous
for the legend
of the Devil's Canyon
lizard man.
He's been seen around
these parts
since the pilgrim times,
snapping his claws,
hissing,
trying to eat people up,
lurking about in the dark,
dark shadows of this very cave.
[ laughs ominously ]
But those are just legends...
aren't they?
Aren't they?
Are--
are you asking us?
No, I'm not-- Ernie!
Aren't they?
Here it comes, Will!
[ yells ]
Oh, God, whoo!
Oh, the lizard man!
You're paying for that.
I must definitely am not.
[ machine squeaks ]
You know, I'm sitting
here trying to give you guys
a really awesome adventure,
and you guys are giving me
nothing in return.
I got the gloves on,
the hat, the pageantry.
[ electronic pulsing ]
Holly, I'm getting a strong
tachyon reading.
I think I can boost the hell
out of this signal
-with a resonant wave.
-Go for it!
Man, you guys
don't even care.
[ Edward Kleban's
I Hope I get It playing ]
No, no! There are no show tunes
on this ride.
[ beeping ]
[ crackling and rattling ]
Something's happening.
Is this part of the ride?
No, Hoss, this ain't me.
This is an earthquake.
Greatest earthquake
ever known!
Marshall, I think you should
turn it off.
Marshall, the meter!
[Marshall] Swim, Holly!
We're moving.
[Will] This isn't me!
This isn't me!
[Marshall]
Why are we moving so fast?
Do I look like I know
what's going on?
[ coyote howls ]
What's that sound?!
Is there a waterfall in here?!
Hell no, dude!
This isn't even a real stream!
It's industrial runoff
from the soap factory
down the street!
[Marshall]
What is that? Ah!
What is that?
What is that?
Oh, sh*t!
This is not
a routine expedition!
[Will]
Reverse! Reverse!
Reverse!
It's beautiful!
[ screams ]
[ all screaming ]
I got to say I did not see
that coming.
Ernie, you bastard.
That was way too fast.
[Will]
Ernie, too fast!
[ gasps ]
Marshall!
I think you should
come and look at this.
Do you realize
what this means?
[Marshall] Yes!
It means Matt Lauer
can suck it!
[ cheering ]
-Holly, are you rolling?
-Yep.
That was a Viking ship!
And a Cessna!
Shut up!
Just shut up!
Okay, currently
in our party--
me, Dr. Rick Marshall
doctoral candidate
Holly Cantrell,
and some trashy
trailer-park reject
who smells of malt liquor
and feet.
-I'm standing right here.
-I was right.
Okay, Holly, right there.
Just as I predicted,
we have been--
we have fallen through
a time portal from our earth
to another dimension.
where past,
present and future
are all mashed up together.
How the hell
did this happen?
My Tachyon amplifier,
that's how it happened!
You mean that shitty boom box
pumping show tunes?
-Yes, it worked!
-Well, where the hell is it?
Um, okay, minor setback.
My Tachyon amplifier
which undoubtedly will be
the only possible way
for us to open a doorway home
is nowhere to be seen.
What?
[ distant squeals ]
[Man] What the hell was that?
[Holly] Oh!
I have no idea
but let's go find out.
[ squeals ]
[Holly] Oh, advanced primates.
Oh, they've got the posture
of an Australopithecus...
-Mm-hmm.
-but the sag--
No, no, no.
Shut up.
I will not let you
ruin this moment.
I've waited my entire life
to see the mighty Big Foot.
Man, are you touching yourself?
Marshall, look!
[ grunting ]
Oh, my God,
tool construction!
Tool construction!
No, they're gonna k*ll him!
[ speaks native language ]
No!
Uh-oh.
Okay, you eggheads,
you follow my lead.
I know just how to
party with these guys.
You little monkeys bastards,
prepare to bow down
and worship me.
But behold, you troglodytes,
I command the power
of fire.
Will, it's not a good idea.
How do you like me now, huh?
You want a disco dance--
ow, son of a bitch!
[ grunts ]
Well done.
You've now just given
murderous primitives
the power of fire.
[Holly] It's all right.
It's all right.
Don't be frightened.
We're friends.
[ speaks native language ]
Friends.
[ hisses ]
Careful, Holly.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
There we go.
I spent three years
at the Manchester zoo
primate house.
I'm recognizing
a very primitive language.
Now... me Holly.
Ho-lly.
-Holly.
-Yes, Holly.
-Holly.
-Holly.
Me, Holly, you...
You?
Chaka.
Chaka, Chaka!
No.
Holly, Chaka.
Yeah.
Wi-ill, Will.
Good work.
Good work, Holly.
Let me take over from here.
Greetings, Chaka.
Chaka,
I'm Dr. Rick Marshall.
Dr. Rick Marshall.
Okay?
Let's take a look
at that ankle.
Does that sound good?
Keep in mind, Chaka,
although I'm a doctor,
I'm not a licensed physician.
Okay?
Just gonna take
a little look--
[ snarls and squeals ]
How dare you?
How dare you?
I mean you no harm.
I mean you no harm!
{\an5}-Marshall, Marshall!
-Don't you run from me,
you little sh*t!
Hey! Hey, hey!
Now you're dead!
[ all screaming ]
[ coughs and splutters ]
Damn you, Chaka!
Now was that necessary?
[ both hissing ]
Marshall,
wait you'll scare him.
What was that?
Look, he was never
in any danger, okay?
Chaka, friend.
Safety.
Safety. Safety!
Holly, tell him.
Um, um, Marshall,
Marshall, um,
haboo, haboo.
[ hoots ]
-Haboo?
-Haboo.
[ speaks native language ]
Well, that's more like it.
Holly, what did
you tell him?
I think I told him
that you're a great chief,
-and you're very powerful.
-Oh.
And I think he's pledging
his lifelong loyalty to you.
Well, that's hardly necessary.
my little friend.
Uh, but I will honor
your customs.
And you may serve me.
[ chuckles ]
Uh, in return
I will be a fair,
but very strict master.
Okay, get off.
Off!
[Will] What is wrong
with you people?
That sandpit swallowed us!
I mean, can you all
please act
like this doesn't happen
every single day?
You're starting to make
me feel really stupid.
[Marshall] Okay, okay, hold on.
Let's gather ourselves.
Take a deep breath in...
[ yells ]
Oh, my god! Ah!
[Marshall]
Fortunately,
I've been in this exact
situation three times before.
[Will] When? When have you
ever been in this situation?
[Marshall] I've never been
in this situation before!
I'm just trying
to keep up morale.
[ distant howl ]
Oh, God.
I sure hope
that was a coyote.
[ howling ]
Good God.
It's a feeding station.
If anyone knows about
meal presentation, it's me.
[ howls ]
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Grab hands,
create some momentum.
Let's swing over
to that tree.
[ all grunt ]
Extension.
Okay, reach!
Good form, everyone!
Working in concert!
Don't be afraid
to point the toe.
One more!
[ grunts ]
One more should do it.
[ roars ]
[ all screaming ]
Everybody move out!
Chaka, your master commands
you to--
[ hisses ]
Bad Chaka!
Your loyalty is now in question!
[ roars ]
[Will] That was a dinosaur.
[Marshall] T-rex,
definitely in predator mode.
[Will] Will you hurry up!
You're slowing us down.
Why are you wearing
high heels?
[Marshall] They're not
high heels.
They're my Florsheim
zipper boots.
Why are you wearing Florsheim
for a field expedition?
I told you I was not prepped
to go in the field.
[ roars ]
Wait, wait, wait!
We need a photo.
Oh, nice field skills, Holly.
Will, stand over there.
This is proof I'm right
and I want photos.
{\an5}-Stand there,
we need you for scale.
-Scale!
Uh, Marshall, do we need
the red-eye feature?
Um...
yes, his eyes do look red.
Jesus Christ,
just take the picture!
-Can you just stand still.
-Stand still, please.
One, two, three!
Fantastic!
Run! Run like hell!
Where the hell's
the monkey?
Look! Chaka's waiting for us
at the other end of the bridge.
Good, Chaka,
you're master's pleased!
[ grunts ]
Marshall, It really looks like
he's trying to destroy
the bridge.
-Chaka! Wait!
-Master not pleased!
[ roars ]
[Marshall] It's okay,
he can't cross.
He has terrible
depth perception.
He thinks this chasm's
a million miles long.
He's not what you'd call
an athlete, Mr. T-Rex.
See, he's walking away
in utter helpless defeat.
After all, his brain
is the size of a walnut.
Sure, his sense of smell
may be acute,
but eyesight, hearing,
all of his higher functions
completely compromised
by that walnut-size brainpan.
I mean, forget about the Polish.
It's the T-Rexes who are
the real dummies of the world.
In fact, Chaka--
funny story,
Freakin' run!
Follow monkey.
Cave!
[ grunts ]
[ roars ]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
He's looking at you,
Marshall.
He's watching you.
He's looking at everyone.
No, I'm certain
he's looking at you.
[ roars ]
He is grumpy.
I think that's what
we should call him--
-Grumpy.
-Yeah, that's a cute name.
[ roars ]
Is it gone?
Yeah.
p*ssy.
What a puss.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
This'll work just fine.
We'll call this
base camp.
No, no, no, no,
We cannot stay here.
Bad things happen
in caves, folks.
Watch your movies.
Guys, can we just please take
a minute to absorb this?
I mean...
We must be the first people
to ever set foot in this world.
It's incredible.
[ Andrew Sister's Boogie
Woogie Bugle Boy plays]
♪ He was a famous trumpet man
from out Chicago way ♪
♪ He had a boogie style
that no one else could play ♪
♪ He was the top man
at his craft ♪
♪ But then his number
came up ♪
♪ and he was gone
with the draft ♪
♪ He's in the army now
a-blowin' reveille ♪
♪ He's the boogie woogle
bugle boy of Company B ♪
♪ They made him blow
a bugle ♪
[Will] Oh, God.
We're screwed.
[ soothing music plays ]
No, no, no.
No.
Chaka, no, no.
Go on.
[ chatters ]
Okay, you know what?
I don't want Chaka sleeping
in the cave tonight.
Oh, whoa, whoa,
not cool, dude.
No, it's a reasonable
precaution, all right?
He was just about
to be ex*cuted,
and I think he might have
done something to deserve it.
Hey, my man
is right here.
Obviously,
he has feelings, okay?
[Marshall] He doesn't
have feelings.
Come on, look at him.
He's adorable.
He's a little cuddle machine.
[Marshall] What?
[Will] Yeah, the least you could
do is let him defend himself.
I don't speak monkey,
anyhow, do you?
No, I didn't think so.
Here, look, let me try.
Um, Chaka, um...
[ speaks native language ]
Chaka...
[ speaks native language ]
He says he's a prince
amongst his people.
Oh, right.
[ speaks native language ]
And the victim
of a treacherous plot
to steal his throne.
And the only thing
he's ever guilty of was...
[ speaks native language ]
Is love.
Brother.
Give me a break.
[ speaks native language ]
And he's being treated
far too harshly
for the very simple
crime of...
[ speaks native language ]
pooping in the village well.
That's why you're not
sleeping in the cave.
[ speaks native language ]
I can't tell anymore.
[ growls ]
[ whispers ] Hey, mister,
f*ck you!
[ hisses ]
Whoa, whoa, hold on,
where are you going with that?
I'm just gonna block the first
point of egress here
so that we're not
vulnerable.
No, no, bless your heart.
Classic tenderfoot mistake.
Don't b*at yourself up over it.
Here's the thing.
Never put anything near
the mouth of the cave
to draw attention to us.
Did you just not see that
we drew the attention
of a highly intelligent
psycho dinosaur?
Look, I think the PhD
after my name
means I know a little something
about dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs are creatures
of brute instinct.
Like I've said before,
it's got a brain
the size of a walnut.
Okay, you got me?
A walnut.
[ rumbling and thudding ]
What's that?
What's that?
Sweet Gregor Mendel.
What? What is it?
It's a walnut.
[ growls ]
Well, obviously this
is between you and him.
Day two.
0600 Zulu time.
Did not sleep
last night at all,
not one bit.
Still no sign
of the Tachyon amplifier,
our only way home.
Field rations are
running dangerously low.
Thusly, I've made
the determination
that if need be,
if faced with starvation,
we will cook and eat Chaka.
I've been thinking
about this a lot, actually.
If Chaka meat were the secret
ingredient on Iron Chef,
I'm sure Bobby Flay
would probably serve it
with roasted red peppers
and a dash of cumin,
and a braised polenta.
And it wouldn't be
an easy thing to do,
but if you slow roast
the little guy,
I'm sure that Chaka meat
would just fall
right off the bone.
Whoo! Food train.
coming through.
Fantastic,
I'm absolutely starving.
And fresh fruit,
it's like morning at Wimbledon.
Hold on a second there,
Holly.
I don't recognize
that genus of succulent.
Perhaps the native inhabitant
can help us.
Chaka, Rick Marshall,
Chaka.
Are they safe...
to eat?
Eat, eat.
Eat.
[ speaks native language ]
Eat, eat.
-Mm-hmm.
-Thank you, Chaka.
Thank you so much
for listening to me.
Sorry for doubting
you, my little friend.
[ sniffs ] Has a pungent flavor,
it smells good.
very meat--
[ screams ]
Jeez, Chaka!
What the hell?!
[ screams ]
Friends?
Friends?
[ sighs ]
Well, yes, technically,
I guess.
However, I am your master,
okay?
We have entered into
a verbal contract.
You need to understand that,
okay?
[ high pitched pulse ]
Holly, quick,
to the cave mouth.
Sentry positions.
[Holly] Looks like
a plasma discharge.
Or maybe Beta rays.
Agh!
Marshall?
Marshall! Marshall?
Ah!
Help... me!
Please.
I will.
Marshall.
Marshall, where are you going?
Someone or something
knows we're here.
It's in my head
calling to me.
Get back, Holly!
What are you doing?
I've seen this before.
He's got the devil madness.
We got to put him down while
he still has some dignity left.
-Chaka, let's roll!
-What?
[ Chaka shrieks ]
[ sighs ]
You see?
This is the place.
A beacon,
a transmitter,
tapping directly
into my pre-frontal lobe.
What the hell?
Stop it!
Well, I'll be.
I guess you weren't crazy.
Okay, I'm man enough
to say that's my bad.
[Holly] Wow.
That's incredible.
The architecture, it's almost
like the Olmec culture
of Mesoamerica.
[Marshall] Reminds me of
the Prudential building.
No, Sarisataka.
Sarisataka.
[Will] I bet somebody's
growing weed in here.
[Marshall]
You feel that?
That ambient energy?
Just like at Devil's Canyon.
[Holly] Yep,
Tachyon radiation.
Marshall,
the meter can't be far.
[ screeching ]
[Will] Holy sh*t.
Finally something
cool, huh?
What, no reaction?
You guys have seen that before,
too, I take it, huh?
In your lab?
What's this thing?
Hey, maybe this is where
our ancient ancestors
hosted the Latin Grammys.
Just picture Santana
haulin' this sucker home.
[ voice vibrates ] Whoo.
It vibrates.
I wouldn't touch that,
all right?
♪ Do you
believe in life after love? ♪
That is so dumb
and childish.
♪ Do you believe
in life after love ♪
[Holly] Will,
will you please be quiet.
Dr. Marshall needs silence.
[ voice vibrates ] ♪ I can feel
something inside me say ♪
[both] ♪ I really don't think
you're strong enough, ohhhh ♪
-Wow.
-Yeah.
I really feel it
in my forearms.
Yeah, usually you have to pay
for something like this.
Oh, gosh.
Holly, you should sit on this.
No, no, Sarisataka!
Sarisataka!
Hmm? What?
Sarisataka!
[Marshall] What is it, Chaka?
What did you say?
-Sarisataka. Sarisataka.
-What is he saying?
It's the same thing
over and over-- Sarisa...
-Sarisataka.
-Sarisataka.
Chorizo tacos.
Are you saying Chorizo tacos?
Don't play around
because I'm super hungry.
No, Sarisataka.
Sarisataka.
What the hell
does that mean?
Well, I'm afraid
we'll never know.
[ hissing ]
Oh, okay.
Oh, sh*t,
it's not Chorizo tacos.
No immediate danger,
cold-blooded and slow.
[ whispers ] I repeat,
no immediate danger.
Will you stop that? Please.
You're freaking me out.
[Will] Oh, God.
They're everywhere.
They're just like zombies.
That's how zombies get you--
volume.
[Will]
We're all gonna die.
Like hell.
I'm gonna take at least
one of these bastards with me
even if they have to choke
to death on my skull!
Oh!
You want some too, do you?
[Will]
What are you guys doing?
One second.
What in the hell--
Let's get in.
[ grunts ]
Oh, God, wait,
stand down, Holly.
[Holly] Hang on...
hang on,
I think we're safe.
They don't seem to be able
to make it through the entrance.
[Marshall] Thank God for that.
That one keeps peering
into my soul.
This is just fantastic.
Are we just gonna stand in
here and suffocate
in this tiny little...
huge... thingy.
[Marshall] Wow, that
is an efficient use of space.
[Will]
It's like Snoopy's doghouse.
[ groans ]
Look.
There's a gold one.
Let's stomp its head in.
Do not fear me.
I am Enik,
the Altrusion.
Thank Vindok
you've come to my aid,
Rick Marshall.
You know me?
Of course.
Even in the furthest
reaches of the universe,
we have seen
your Matt Lauer video.
I am a prisoner
in this Land of the Lost.
Only you can help me
escape.
The fate of the universe
depends on you.
Well, uh,
it's very flattering, Enik,
um, but I think
you've found the wrong guy.
No, Rick Marshall.
I have summoned you here
specifically
to help me stop
an evil madman
who has already
conquered my world.
And now plans
to conquer yours.
His name is...
The Zarn.
I am The Zarn!
Heed my warning
or be destroyed!
The Zarn became obsessed
with using the power
of these crystals
to conquer the universe.
If he is not stopped,
he will open a doorway
to your world
and lead his army
of Sleestak
on a rampage
across time and space.
He must be stopped.
Enik, buddy,
I'm a scientist,
you're a scientist.
I think together you and I
can figure this out.
{\an5}-You mustn't touch
the crystals!
-Okay.
The wrong manipulation
of the crystals
could turn time and space
inside out.
What do you need from us?
The Zarn lacks only one
thing to enact his evil plan--
a device to amplify tachyons
and unleash the full power
of the crystals.
Well, Marshall's
created a device
that isolates
tachyon interference.
Yeah, I did that.
Of course,
with tachyon particles
focused along the proper
temporal vector,
a stable passageway
[both] can be opened
to any point in
the space-time continuum!
[ gasps ]
You and I are so smart.
[ chuckles ]
Rick Marshall?
I knew instantly
you could help me.
Oh, thank you.
You are a truly
advanced intellect.
I don't know how you manage
amongst these others.
[ laughing ]
I don't know how I do either.
-I really don't.
-Excuse me.
You have this tachyon amplifier?
I lost it on the way in.
I don't know where.
It could lost in time.
On the contrary,
I detect it nearby.
It-- strange
I cannot precisely pinpoint
its location.
It... moves.
Leave it to us.
If it's out there,
we'll find it.
Not so fast, amigo.
Little rule I live by.
Never trust a dude
in a tunic.
You live by that rule?
Yes,
it's never led me astray.
Right, come on, Enik,
are you well enough to travel?
No, my place is here
in the pylon.
I must protect the crystals.
If you wish to return home,
these crystals are the doorway.
Your device is the key.
Find it before
The Zarn does.
Bring it to me
and rescue us all!
Rescue the uni-verse!
All right, everyone,
gather round.
Let's go, chop, chop.
Hustle up.
Marshall, did you just
make that?
Yeah, yeah, I'm a bit of
a miniatures enthusiast.
It's very impressive.
Thank you.
Yeah, well, I see some
obvious scaling issues, but--
I think it's pretty damn good.
All right, we are here.
As you can see,
desert, forest.
-What's this look like?
-It's a cave.
That's the cave,
that's where we're living.
Standard volcano.
Okay, now I will tether Will
to this hot air balloon
right here, okay.
And it will be fitted with
a crude tachyon reflector-array
that I fashioned
out of a thermal blanket
and a cell phone charger.
I don't remember
ever volunteering for that.
Holly, you and I will follow
Will's directions
as he searches for the telltale
ping of the missing
and still presumably
operational tachyon meter.
[ distant roar ]
Oh, God, he's close.
I've taken care of that.
During the course
of my professional career,
I've done extensive research
with reptiles
and various birds of prey
of which dinosaurs are.
That's disputable.
Please be quiet.
They have very acute sense
of smell.
And now while
I've gathered this strictly
for genetic research
to be used upon our return,
it would prove wise
to use this now--
Hadrosaur urine.
-We are going to cover--
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!
What is that?
Hadrosaur urine.
How'd you get that?
Well, while you were sleeping,
I'm out gathering research,
okay?
This was to be used
for genetic engineering.
And I was going to write
a report on kidney function.
But now it'll just be
camouflage.
We'll all blend in,
okay.
-So we will cover ourselves--
-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, I'm just trying
to figure this out.
[ sighs ] Oh, my God.
So you've been
gathering urine?
Yes, what's the problem?
That means that you stood
under a dino dong
with a bucket.
If you want to be technical
and reduce it to its basest
element, yes, I was.
How'd that work out for you?
Are you honestly asking me?
Yeah.
It's very peaceful.
It's a little bit like
fly fishing,
just out there in the night air,
still, calm,
and then zing,
you get a big catch.
Okay, so we'll cover
our bodies in urine,
and then we'll be virtually
undetectable to all dinosaurs.
[ distant roar ]
All right, here they come.
I should have thought of this
a long time ago.
[ spits ]
Whoo!
Ah, that's refreshing.
Make sure to ingest some,
get that in the bloodstream.
Ugh.
[ gags ]
[ gargles and spits ]
Don't do that.
Okay, who's next?
Really.
It's not that bad.
Check that...
It's just starting to burn
my eyes a little bit.
Did not plan for that.
[ inhales sharply ]
It gets up in the nostrils,
too, you do not want that.
Ah...
Wow. That's
early-morning stuff.
Oh, that is strong.
Maybe a second splash
reduce some of the effects.
Immediately made it worse.
Where's my laser pointer?
Never mind, we will probably
have to be doing--
[ groans ]
Ow.
[ Chaka speaks native language ]
Who's that?
[ grunting ]
Maybe we should
just follow him.
Nice model, though.
Yeah, fine,
let's forget my model
and let's follow the monkey.
[ Chaka humming ]
[Marshall]
Shut up, Chaka!
Are we there yet?
Find this funny, Chaka?
This is the damn Bataan
death march out here.
My God.
Marshall] Absolutely incredible.
[Holly] This must be
the main entry point
into this world.
[Marshall] It's like
a cosmic lost and found.
[Will] Wow, look at all this
kick-ass sh*t to steal.
This is like the world's
greatest mall.
Yeah, Will,
it's just like a mall.
The only thing
it's missing is a food court.
Compsognathus,
look how they move.
Where are all these
little Chupacabras going to?
I'll tell you where
they're going to.
Our raft, the tachyon meter
can't be far.
Our raft?
That's my raft.
Get away from there!
Stop pecking on my raft.
There's your food court.
[ jingle plays ]
{\an5}-Ice cream.
-Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna go pony up
and get Chaka a cone.
It's his first.
Now there's a reason why
those dinosaurs hang out there.
They know.
They know what?
It's feeding time.
[ screeching ]
[ jingle continues ]
[ screams ]
Whoa!
[ roars ]
-An allosaurus, female.
-Yeah.
We're in luck.
These large predators
are extremely territorial.
Virtually nothing will
distract them from each other.
[ hissing ]
Oh, crap balls!
What do you know?
This is one of those
situations where dumping piss
on your head's
a bad idea.
Run!
Lead, Chaka.
Lead your master to safety!
Hey, Chaka, doo-mah!
Chaka, no!
[ roars ]
Why?!
You're a little assh*le, Chaka!
Spread out!
It'll confuse him by running
a serpentine pattern!
He's incapable
or rapid course correction!
Serpentine, everyone!
Serpentine!
Serpentine!
No, serpentine!
Serpentine!
[Marshall] Son of a tit!
Hey, Marshall!
You ever get tired
of being wrong?
I do! I really do,
bone tired!
Get on your horse,
Rick Marshall.
[ roars ]
Four hands, a pair.
[ roars ]
Fascinating,
but terrifying!
No!
Marshall!
I'm still here!
I hope you're taping this!
[Holly] I got it!
[ roars ]
[ alarm buzzes ]
[ roars ]
[ hip-hop music plays ]
[ groans, sighs ]
I don't want-- I don't
want to die in a Hummer!
Oh, it's a m*ssacre.
[ squealing ]
[ distant roar ]
[ grunts ]
[ burps ]
Gross.
[Marshall]
Set the catapult!
What?
Set the catapult!
What?
Set the effin' catapult!
This thing?
The catapult, now!
No, no, no, no,
Take her that way!
Go that way!
Just do it!
Come on.
How the hell
do you set a catapult?
I don't know,
just turn it.
One...
two...
three...
[ roars ]
Crank that thing!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Crank that mother!
I'm coming in hot!
Keep going.
Get your backs into it.
Package has arrived.
What's the package?
It's a canister
of refrigerant.
[ roars ]
Now!
[ gulps ]
I did not expect that.
[ Edward Kleban's
I Hope I get It playing ]
Gay show tunes!
Cassie. Bebe.
Tachyon meter!
We did it.
We're saved!
♪ Look at all the people! ♪
[ shrieks ]
♪ How many people
does he need? ♪
♪ How many boys,
how many girls? ♪
♪ How many people does he ♪
♪ I really need this job ♪
Oh, that blows.
That bl-ows.
[ music fading in distance ]
Marshall?
What are you doing?
[ sighs ]
I'm giving up.
And it feels good.
But what about finding
a way home
and validation
for your life's work?
You're just gonna give
all that up just to lie here?
Oh, no, of course not.
Lying here is just phase one
of the plan.
It's phase two that
gets me really excited.
It involves adjusting
the angle of my recline
and putting this hand
halfway down my pants.
Deceptively simple,
yet elegant.
Yep.
I tried, I failed,
and you know what?
Once again,
it's my own damn vault.
You mean fault.
No, I actually mean vault.
It's from a poster
with a pole vaulter on it.
That's really freaking
stupid, man.
You know, actually, I can't
even believe I'm hearing this.
Any scientist in his right
mind would give--
[ robotic voice ]
Initiating phase two.
[ imitates servos whirring ]
Do you know how I first
heard about you?
As a joke.
First year at Cambridge,
we used to email
your little appearance
with Matt Lauer
around for a laugh.
I mean, as YouTube
hall of fame moments goes,
it was "Lauer versus Marshall"
and then that monkey
pissing in his own face,
in that order.
But I wasn't laughing.
Because I was fascinated.
I saw a man who was willing
to swim dangerous waters
for the sake
of his need to know.
I took that to heart,
Dr. Marshall.
I committed to myself
to your theories
and then I got tossed out
of Cambridge for it.
For my theories,
you threw your future away?
Yeah, that's what
everyone told me.
But I didn't believe it,
not till now.
Have you seen this
monkey video?
Yeah, I've seen it
about a dozen times.
God bless the internet.
Come on, Chaka.
Let's work on our
mission statement.
[Chaka] Okay.
[ sighs ]
[ whispers ]
How's it going?
-Hmm.
-What's wrong, little guy?
Are you okay?
-Yeah.
-Lady troubles?
Yeah.
Yeah, tell me about it.
This obviously
stays between me and you,
but coming up on
a 6-year dry spell.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[ speaks native language ]
He says that he misses
his tribe.
It's a beautiful existence.
They're carefree and nomadic,
and they live
where the food is.
Just like me.
I moved tres times just to be
closer to a Ruby Tuesday's.
Continue.
[ speaks native language ]
The women wait on the men...
[ speaks native language ]
serving all the needs.
I'm liking this.
Continue.
[ speaks native language ]
Only they're ugly.
[ speaks native language ]
They make up for it
with nice personalities.
[ speaks native language ]
He says as prince
of his tribe,
he personally is served by
a harem of 7,000 women.
Wow, not bad, little dude.
[ speaks native language ]
Yeah, and they bring him all
the apples...
[ speaks native language ]
Yeah, you get the idea.
I'm not translating that.
[ banjo plays ]
Any room around that fire
for a jerk like me?
I thought you gave up?
I did.
I gave up on giving up.
[ sighs ]
Sat out there for a long time,
just me, my shame
and this little four-string.
And I had a change of heart.
I tried too long and hard
to think of something
to say to you guys,
well, I realized that
there wasn't anything to say.
But maybe, just maybe,
there's something I can sing.
No, it's all right.
♪ Marshall, Will,
and Holly ♪
♪ On a routine expedition ♪
♪ Met the greatest earthquake
ever known ♪♪
That's all I got.
-Yeah, that's fine.
-Apology excepted, dude.
Thanks, You guys
are being so generous.
I really appreciate it.
I think the healing has begun.
♪ Met the greatest earthquake
ever known ♪
♪ High on the rapids ♪
♪ It struck their tiny raft ♪
[ both shout ]
That's good.
♪ And plunged them down ♪
[ yawns ]
I'm so tired.
♪ A thousand feet below ♪
Man, I'm feeling weak,
really bushwhacked.
Anyway, here's how I end it--
A little arpeggio,
nothing fancy.
[ yawns ]
I got to sleep.
♪ Land ♪
♪ Land of the lost ♪
[ screaming ]
I'm so tired.
What happened?
You had a bug on you,
but it's gone now.
Oh, okay.
[ grunts ]
[ exhales sharply ]
All right, everyone,
rise and shine.
Listen up.
It's a new day.
Yes, we've had a setback.
Yes, it is tempting to stay
in this world and die,
but that's not how
the new Marshall rolls.
You hear me?
Not by a damn sight.
This isn't hands-down-the-pants,
Marshall, all right?
This isn't gorging on two
pints of Ben & Jerry's
and a whole spiral-cut ham
while watching not one,
but two Mama's Family
reunions-Marshall.
Unh-unh.
He's gone.
Here's the deal.
Enik's counting on us.
The whole world's
counting on us.
If we have any hope
of returning home
we need to take back
that tachyon meter
and take it back hard.
That means climbing,
hours of arduous
climbing up sheer cliffs,
not tomorrow, not in a few
hours, but right now.
Understood?
-Yep.
-Understood, Will?
Hmm?
Let's move out,
you pansies.
[Marshall] Hey!
This is not a race, okay?
[ panting ]
[ shrieks ]
Again-- step, kick, kick,
leap, kick, touch!
Again-- step, kick, kick,
leap, kick, touch!
Again-- step, kick, kick,
leap, kick, touch!
Again-- step, kick, kick,
leap, kick, touch!
Right, let's do
the whole combination,
facing away from the mirror
from the top!
A-five, six, seven, eight!
[ Edward Kleban's
I Hope I get It plays ]
[Will] What the hell?
Pterodactyl eggs
incubating all over the caldera.
And there's
your shitty boom box.
[Marshall] Across a sea
of thin volcanic glass.
Okay, Will,
what you're gonna want to do
is evenly distribute
your weight
while at the same time,
keeping an eye out
for the eggs.
Hey, Will?
I know you're faking.
Okay, Chaka!
[ snores ]
Chaka!
Come on.
Fine, maybe I need to listen
to the words
of a group of young kids
trying to make it on stage.
"God, I hope I get it."
"I hope I get it."
Marshall...
Be careful.
I'm up.
I'm up, I got this.
Oh, Marshall,
you got it.
[ distant shriek ]
Do me a favor, just keep
an eye on the mother, okay.
You mustn't change the surface
temperature of the eggs,
even a drop of sweat could
activate the hatching process.
Right.
♪ How many people does he ♪
♪ I really need this job ♪
♪ Please, God,
I need this job ♪
♪ I've got to get
this jo-o-o-o-b ♪
[ sighs ]
I got it.
I got it.
All right, let me see the boys.
the whole group.
Ready!
A-five, six,
seven, eight!
[ music stops ]
[ shrieking ]
They're hatching.
Why are they hatching?
The music,
it must be like a lullaby.
Shut up!
Shh.
Shh... Shh.
♪ God, I hope I get it ♪
♪ I hope I get it ♪
♪ How many people
does he need? ♪
♪ God, I hope I get it ♪
♪ I hope I get it ♪
♪ How many boys,
how many girls? ♪
♪ Look at all the people,
at all the people ♪
[All] ♪ How many people
does he need? ♪
♪ How many boys,
how many girls? ♪
♪ How many people
does he ♪
[Chaka] ♪ I really need
this job ♪
♪ Please, God,
I need this job ♪
♪ I've got to get
this jo-o-o-o-b ♪
[ all snoring ]
[ Rare Earth's
I Want To Celebrate plays ]
♪ One! Two! Three! Four! ♪
♪ I just want to celebrate
another day of living ♪
♪ I just want to celebrate
another day of ♪
♪ Li-i-i-i-fe ♪
[Marshall]
People, we are going home!
I'm gonna miss this place
that proves I was right.
[ chatters ]
Oh, drink, drink, yes.
Oh, that is delicious
and refreshing.
Mmm, it's sweet and sour
like Chinese food.
[ speaks native language ]
He's saying
it's a celebratory drink
in his village.
Oh, cheers.
[ speaks native language ]
Yeah, it brings joyful lightness
to the heart and soul.
[ speaks native language ]
No, no, sorry,
it's not joyful and lightness,
better translation would
be howling loneliness.
And then your bravery
will be tested
as your mind fogs.
[ speaks native language ]
And the shadow hags
will rise from the graves and...
[ speaks native language ]
and hold you in an icy embrace.
[ speaks native language ]
And it'll feel like
your bowel's being pierced...
[ speaks native language ]
by a ghost serpent.
Well,
that can't be right.
No. That can't be right.
Chaka, um...
[ speaks native language ]
[ speaks native language ]
Oh, okay, so it's not
ghost serpent,
it's much closer to
zombie d*ck.
[ speaks native language ]
I think it might be
a narcotic.
Is that so?
[ Jimi Hendrix's All
Along The Watchtower plays ]
Need you to be honest
with me, okay?
Are you a cop?
Chaka.
That's not an answer, Chaka.
That's your name.
Seriously, by law,
you have to tell me
if you're a police officer.
-Marco?
-Polo.
Are you wearing a wire?
[ slurs in native language ]
-Marco?
-Polo.
[ whirring ]
Hello.
[ beeping ]
Hot coffee.
I need food.
-Marshall!
-Yeah.
Fruit me, buddy.
[ echoing clack ]
[ panting ]
[All] Huh.
Yeah, right there.
Thank you.
Chaka?
I owe you an apology, okay?
I...
[ buzzing ]
I'm a guest in your land,
a guest who came
unannounced, uninvited,
and... I've treated you
like a toilet...
a toilet.
I want to make it up to you.
Because the love I feel
for you--
I'm not exaggerating--
is a billion times greater
than the love for mankind
that Jesus felt on the cross.
And you can take that
to the bank.
[ speaks native language ]
[ repeats in native language ]
I'm just so glad
you guys squashed that.
I love you guys so much.
You guys are amazing.
-I don't ever want to go home.
-No.
{\an5}-This is just like
Sandals resort.
-Mm-hmm.
Good people,
a lot of good food,
good times.
I want to make this my life.
I just wanna make--
be here all the time.
Yeah.
[ speaks native language ]
[ repeats in native language ]
Hey, hey--
You're funny, Chaka.
-He's hilarious.
-You're funny.
His jokes are disgusting.
[ all laugh ]
You're funny.
-Hey, for real, though.
-Hmm?
How much money would
I have to pay you all
to French kiss each other?
-For real?
-Totally for real.
For real, for real?
Tongue in his monkey mouth.
Hey, if it doesn't leave
the three of us,
I'd do it for free,
right now.
It's not gonna leave here.
I'd do it right now.
Let me see it.
Kiss him.
It doesn't leave
the three of us?
Never, I won't tell anybody.
Who am I gonna tell?
[ speaks native language ]
-French kiss him!
-I'm gonna do it.
-Come here.
-What? What?
[ all grunting ]
[ laughter ]
You guys are gross!
I don't want to do it!
I don't want to do it!
I don't want to do it!
I've changed my mind!
Oh... dinosaur eggs.
Dinosaur poo.
This is The Zarn!
Heed my warning
or be destroyed!
We-- we're just trying
to get home.
Enik the Altrusion
has escaped our custody.
He has overtaken the central
pylon and its crystals
and now plans to lead
his army of Sleestak
on a rampage
across time and space!
If you're hearing this,
heed my warning.
Do not believe--
[ distant laughing ]
No! Enik, no!
The Zarn.
I've got to go and warn--
[ screams ]
[ Seals & Croft's
Summer Breeze plays ]
♪ See the curtains
hanging in the window ♪
♪ In the evening
on a Friday ni-i-ght ♪
♪ A little light a-shining
through the window ♪
♪ lets me know everything's
all ri-i-i-ght ♪
Holly?
♪ Summer breeze
makes me feel-- ♪
Holly?
They've taken Holly.
Chaka, I've got
a mission for you.
Now listen closely.
I don't know
what that means.
Just come on.
[ Sleestaks hissing ]
[Will] Oh, man.
[ Marshall sighs ]
Sentries, classic hive behavior.
Obviously on patrol.
Yep, just like drones,
tirelessly hunting.
Dude, it looks like they're
gettin' ready to make out.
Mm, no, no, no, no.
[ slow music plays ]
He's about to tap
that ass.
[ whispers ]
Would you shut up?
He's not about to tap
that ass.
[ whispers ]
Oh, you're right.
He's totally tapping that ass.
Oh, wow.
Our own little private show.
[ tearing ]
[ squealing ]
Oh, God, they shed. Ugh.
[Will] Hi.
[Marshall] Hey, don't do that!
Just focus.
[ Holly whimpers ]
[Skull] We find you guilty
of providing assistance
to Enik the Altrusian.
[Marshall] There she is.
[Skull] Prepare to meet
the Sleestak God.
[Marshall] Stop!
Marshall!
[Skull]
Do not interfere!
[Will] Dude, what
the hell are you doing?
[Skull] This one
was caught trying
to deliver
a tachyon device to Enik.
[Marshall] If you want Holly,
you've gotta deal with us.
No, no, Marshall, don't!
[Marshall] Because we're all
friends of Enik!
[Skull] Enik the Altrusian
is guilty
of the destruction
of an entire civilization.
Entire what now?
[Skull]
Convicted of his crimes...
He was sentenced to
10,000 years imprisonment.
He lied to us.
[Skull]
And made to wear a tunic
as a symbol of his deceit.
Told you, dude--
tunic.
As his allies,
you shall die as well.
Seize them!
Marshall!
Hold on, Holly!
Ooh!
[ grunts ]
[ groans ]
See ya.
[ gasps ]
We can do this.
-Ready?
-Ready.
Wait...
Wait, what about our,
our working... relationship?
I've wanted to do that since
I first met you.
You mean we could've been
doing this the whole time?
Yeah, but I was worried
it wouldn't be professional
or I'd distract you
from your work.
No, no, not distracting.
Never distracting.
Are you guys kidding me?
Come on!
Really! Now is the
time for this?
You know, he's--
he's right.
We've got to stop Enik,
'cause right now
he has the upper hand.
I mean, I know we have
the element of surprise, but--
Yeah, about that.
What?
We-- we sent Chaka
to go get him.
[ laughing ]
Well then...
Rick Marshall.
Coming here represents
a slight adjustment
to my plans, but no matter.
I have what I need.
And it's all
thanks to you...
Dr. Marshall and this.
[ laughs ]
Don't. We're outgunned.
My Sleestaks
stand prepared.
With the power of the crystals,
they are my slaves,
my conquering army.
Thanks to your device...
I can lead an invasion force
anywhere I choose
in all of time...
and space.
But I believe I will begin
with your Earth.
My Sleestaks
reproduce quickly.
Oh, yeah, we already caught
some of that action.
In mere weeks,
your world will be overrun
by their scaly offspring.
[ chuckles ] And when
I'm standing in the cinders
of your civilization,
[ gasps ]
I'll be sure to give you
full scientific credit.
I know how important
that is to you.
Now save your strength.
You'll need it.
[ chuckles ]
"You'll need it?"
What is he ta--
[ distant thudding ]
[Holly] Marshall?
Oh, great.
[ roars ]
Right, you run,
and I'll distract him.
He's not after me.
No, I'm not running.
This ends here.
Marshall, what are you doing?
Maybe what I was always
meant to do.
Now, just go.
I'll meet you at the pylon...
I hope.
No, we're not leaving
without you.
Go!
Get out of here!
I don't love you!
-Go!
-Ow! Marshall!
Git! You're ugly!
[ Will whistles ]
Look, If you're gonna do this
for real, take this.
Got some high-powered
fireworks in here
that might come in handy.
Are you kidding me?
You mean you've been carrying
a bag of fireworks around
with you this whole time?
There's literally
a dozen situations
where we could
have used these.
[ roars ]
Shh. He's right.
None of that's
important now, okay?
Listen, I gotta just
level with you, bro.
I misjudged you.
I thought you were just
a dumb-ass dude
who dressed stupid,
but I'm wrong.
-You're solid.
-Thanks.
Thick or thin,
I will follow you into
battle at any time.
You hear me?
Absolutely anytime.
Okay, how 'bout now?
-Like right now?
-Yes.
[ roars ]
Honestly, I didn't
really expect you
to call the favor in
this soon.
So, uh, on this one
unfortunately
I'm gonna have to say no.
But I think it's gonna be
awesome for you,
for personal growth,
just to hit this one solo.
I'm gonna be
rootin' for you.
Okay?
Trenches, bro.
It's all about love.
Okay?
After this time,
I'm there for you, okay?
Anytime after now.
He's your man,
not me.
[ roars ]
[ roars ]
All right, it's a fact.
You and I don't
like each other.
Oh, yes, and only
one will remain.
I'm just gonna have
to fight you
at your own game.
[ snorts ]
[ screams ]
Stay back!
Get back.
Damn, You're quick.
'Cause you're a dinosaur.
But... you don't carry
around these, do you, huh?
Welcome to the Big Bang theory,
my friend.
Damn it, Will!
[ roars ]
Ah, that was stupid.
You're cornered, man!
There's no way out!
There's always a way out!
'Cause if you don't make it...
It's your own damn vault.
My God!
He's gonna do it!
Do it! Do it!
[ burps ]
Ooh!
-Ahh!
-Oh, God!
[ squawks ]
I don't believe it.
[ whispers ]
Oh... sh*t.
[ roars ]
[Holly] Oi!
Yeah, you,
you bastard!
Do you realize who
you just ate, do you?
Probably the most
brilliant man ever.
Probably the only man
who ever really knew you.
All right, so he was wrong about
the size of your brain,
but you don't go
and eat a man for that.
You reason with him,
you stupid idiot!
He was your future!
He was my future!
And I'm never gonna get
a chance to tell him that
because of you!
[ roars ]
It's cool.
It's cool.
I'm sorry.
Right. Now we must get home.
We're gonna get back,
and we're gonna tell the world
what Dr. Rick Marshall
did here today.
[ high-pitched whine ]
Come on,
you big green bastards.
I am sick and tired
of you slow-moving
little wankers.
[ grunting ]
[ screams ] Will!
All right,
little dude.
Let's do this.
Lock and load!
[ shouts ]
Boo-ya!
You want some of this?
Eat, Chaka, eat!
Holly!
[Holly] Will!
Step, step and lift!
[ roars ]
[ squawks ]
All right, my murderous friend,
take us home.
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Get!
Bite that guy
right back there!
Nice. Whoo!
Good get.
That's him.
That's him.
Upper deck!
Oh, the horror!
Oh, God, that is the coolest
thing I have ever seen.
Let's do it, pal. Whoo!
The only thing cooler would be
if he'd slide down Grumpy's tail
{\an5}-just like Fred Flintstone
would do--
-Whoo-oo-oo!
Oh, God.
I've lived.
I have lived.
-Oh.
-Easy.
[ chuckles ] Hey, come on,
it tickles.
Marshall!
{\an5}-What happened?
-Dude, we thought you
had d*ed!
d*ed?
No, that was just
a minor setback.
Okay, let's go home.
No, no, no, wait.
This is insane.
We saw you go down
Grumpy's cake hole.
What, did he puke you out
or somethin'?
-Uh, well--
-No, it's not possible.
The T. Rex
lacked a gag reflex.
Not important right now.
I'm okay,
and that's it.
Oh, this is a puzzler.
Look, I'd really rather
not talk about it, okay?
[ sighs ] Now...
let's light this candle.
No, Marshall,
how did you get out?
I will talk to you
about it later!
Individually,
to each one of you.
I'll explain it.
[ sniffs ]
Oh, jeez.
Would you grow up?
Oh, my God!
Yes, he pooped me out!
[ groans ]
And now you guys are friends?
While I was snaking
my way through his bowels,
I don't know,
I must have dislodged some
sort of intestinal blockage.
And yes, he's in
a much better mood now.
So... can we move on?
I really would like
to go home.
You were deuced out...
by a dinosaur.
That is incredibly cool.
Grumpy, listen...
when you talk about this,
and you will...
please be gentle.
Okay?
[ snorts ]
All right, gangsta,
let's bones it out.
[ grunts ]
Don't worry about it.
It's hard with
your vestigial arm.
Let's go, guys.
To freedom.
[ roars ]
Thank you, Dr. Marshall.
And now the doorway... opens.
Enik!
[ gasps ]
It's over.
You're not going anywhere.
You think you can
challenge me?
Ma-kan nan-ka-taaaaa!
I wrestled at Purdue.
[ chuckles ] J.V.
[ both grunt ]
Fight, fight, fight!
Chaka! Nicaraguan ball breaker!
[ squeals ]
Marshall!
I'm comin' in!
Oooh!
[ groans ]
Oh, misfire!
What have you done?
The door.
It's closing forever!
[ gasps ]
[Marshall]
It's barely holding!
Let's go!
[ grunts ]
Ha!
It's your home or your comrade,
Dr. Marshall.
[ evil laughs ]
No, it isn't.
Reverse!
[ grunts and groans ]
You go!
I've got this yellow
bastard on lockdown.
I'm gonna stay.
[both] What?!
Yeah.
I've been talkin'
to my man Chaka.
He pitches
a pretty good world.
I mean, think about it.
My home was never
in the real world.
I never belonged.
This could be a fresh
start for me.
You know,
make some new friends.
I could be somebody...
a winner.
Ow!
Wow, I really admire
you right now.
I just feel like so many
people go through this life
looking for what
I've found here, you know?
And they themselves,
they never find it.
Or worse...
they find it...
but they let it slip away.
I am so afraid
of that happening.
You wouldn't be human
if you didn't feel scared.
Marshall!
Please.
you can't leave me here
like this with him!
As one scientist to another,
I beg you for mercy.
Science shows no mercy,
and neither do I.
Whoo, that's good.
Thank you.
Let's go, Holly.
Ready?
Ready.
Chaka, technically
I'm still your master!
Marshall?
Holly.
We made it!
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
I just want to say...
you have grown
into a beautiful woman.
[Ernie] Hey.
where's Will?
He went to...
a better place.
You k*lled him.
No.
No, he went to a...
a strange world.
a world of dinosaurs,
monkey people,
lizard people,
a hole in space and time,
a virtual...
Land of the Lost.
And as hard as it
is to believe,
Will chose to stay.
All right, cool.
Yeah, did you see
those Sleestaks
kick the crap out of Enik?
I've never seen 'em
move so fast.
[ Chaka squawks ]
Yeah, I couldn't
agree more, little buddy.
Tunic.
Hop up.
I got you, come on.
Oh... oh, man.
You are deceptively heavy.
[ squawks ]
Oh... oh, my God.
[ squawks ]
[ shouts in native language ]
[ crowd cheering ]
[ imitating native language ]
Chaka!
My God!
We're kings!
[ all shouting ]
Are those what your women
look like?
Hop off, be cool, be cool.
be cool, be cool.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Easy, stand down,
stand down.
I, I got this.
[ grunts ]
How's it goin'?
I'm Will.
Pretty much, uh,
Chaka's best friend.
I'm here to
offer y'all protection
and, uh, and shelter...
and really pretty much
anything
that you guys
would ever need.
Okay.
Hey, how's it goin'?
Hey, yeah.
Okay, yeah, that's denim.
Denim, yeah.
Yeah, well,
look at that, huh?
Hey, you're back there, too.
Okay.
This was definitely
a good choice.
[Announer]
This is Today,
with Matt Lauer.
It's been some time
since my final guest was here,
but after
the remarkable events
of the past year,
{\an8}he needs no introduction.
{\an8}He's back with a new book
{\an8}and more
{\an8}startling evidence of...
you guessed it,
time warps.
The pipe's allowed.
I asked.
That's great news.
You've had quite a year.
Actually,
a stellar year, Matt.
In fact, I brought you back
a dinosaur egg,
which, uh,
my beautiful partner
and lover,
Holly Cantrell,
was gracious enough
to transport.
And I'm obviously very excited
about my new tome.
It's a book.
16 weeks on the New York Times
bestseller list.
Let me get to your discovery
doctor, because--
This is for you.
I signed it.
[ sighs ]
You're supposed to say
the title and the publisher.
That's not gonna happen.
-Just say it.
-No!
Just say the damn title.
Fine.
Matt Lauer Can Suck It
by Dr. Rick Marshall.
I was so surprised that your
attorney signed off on that.
I was like, "Are you sure?
Is this gonna be okay?"
He said, "Yeah, go for it."
-Son of a bitch.
-Ah! Ow!
You puss!
[ theme music playing ]
[ Man over P.A. ]
And we're clear.
Uh, if anyone sees Matt,
can you tell him
he forgot his egg?
[ all laugh ]
♪♪
Land of the Lost (2009)
Moderator: Maskath3
Watch on Amazon Sci-Fi Merch Collectables
Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.
Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.