[MACHINE BEEPS]
ON SPEAKER: Hi, honey,
this is your mother.
Listen, I know you're very
busy with the new job,
but please try and call us.
Did you get the birthday
sweater we sent?
We'll be home
all weekend. Bye.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Howard, Jim here.
We still set for
racquetball on Saturday?
Give me a shout,
buddy. Bye-bye.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Hi, it's Wendy.
I had this really intense
dream last night, Howie.
I was running my fingers
through your feathers,
and all of a sudden...
[CHUCKLES] Well,
you better come over tonight
and I'll show you
what really happened next.
Ciao for now, Howie.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
TV ANNOUNCER: Hey! Ricky Pate,
back with you again for lots
more Dance Frenzy excitement!
Here's couple number three,
our lovely Latin dance team
from Webford Falls.
Charles is a machinist
first class in the Navy
and his darling wife Madge
is a blackjack dealer.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Just a super job, kids.
Charles and Madge.
Come on, let's hear it
for 'em, folks!
What's the matter, George?
[GROANS]
Hmm. Jock itch again?
I've got just the thing.
Hmm.
Here. Why not take a sh*t
of new Shorts Blaster.
Huh?
It's guaranteed to wipe out feather
fungus in even the most active crotches.
ANNOUNCER: Shorts Blaster.
In addition,
you've won a new car!
[WOMAN SQUEALING]
[GROANS]
[LAUGHS] But that's not all!
Oh, Fred, I love you
so much it hurts.
Uh... He's dead!
Why can't society see...
$79.95? Forget it!
$49.99? No way!
[YAWNS]
I'm Crazy Webby,
and my prices are insane!
Uh-huh.
Who'd they interview this month?
Mmm-hmm.
My little airbrushed beauty.
[RUMBLING]
[GASPS]
What?
Oh, no!
It's a quake!
Hey! I can't get up!
Ahh!
What is going on here?
[SCREAMING]
Casey, did you hear something?
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SINGING]
I'm such a lucky girl
In love
[SCREAMING]
Oh!
Whoa!
[SCATTING]
[GASPS]
Hey!
Wow!
[SCREAMING]
NARRATOR: The cosmos...
Countless worlds upon worlds...
Worlds without end.
In these galaxies,
every possible reality exists,
and what is reality
on any one world
is mere fantasy on all others.
Here, all is real
and all is illusion.
What is, what was,
and what will be
start here with the words,
"In the beginning there was,
"Howard the duck!"
[SCREAMING]
Whoa!
Whoo!
[GROANING]
[GASPING]
[WHIMPERING]
[GROWLS]
[MOANING]
I'm a dead duck!
Hey! Come on!
Oh, no!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hey, Bender!
Go on in, frankenweenie!
We finally found you a date!
What is this?
[SINGING] Stay home, city boy
Hey, that costume don't fool me.
No kids allowed!
BENDER: Hey, wait a minute!
That's my date!
I said out of the way!
[SCREAMING]
Own sweet bed at night
[SCREAMING]
No, wait!
Keep your mind off real life
You little creep! You get away from
my cart, you filthy degenerate!
So, stick to television
I can make it
Here in Hunger City
[SCREAMS]
Nothing's gonna stop me
I know I'll survive
I can take it
Here in Hunger City
[WOMAN GIGGLING]
[SCREAMS]
Christ, it touched me!
What the hell is it?
[EXCLAIMS] I wasn't
trying anything! Honest!
Step on it, will you?
[SCREAMS]
So the day folds into night
[SCREAMING]
You sat down in your easy chair
Oh, there!
There, there.
Ha! Up and away!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, no!
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
Are you ready
for an incredible story?
Waste it, man!
Waste it!
Oh, no!
Here in Hunger City
Nothing's gonna stop me
I know I'll survive
I can take it
Here in Hunger City
Even though they'd eat me
Just to stay alive
[GROANS]
Hunger City!
Talk about a rotten day!
Hunger City!
Just saw your show! Oh, great.
Thanks.
Oh, gracious lady, love your music!
Hey!
Bye, now.
Can I have your
autograph on my shirt?
Oh, me, too!
And my shorts!
Real charming.
Just go away, okay?
Hey! I'm talking to you,
big rock star!
[BEVERLY GROANING]
Let me go, you creep!
Hey, don't go
snot-nose on us!
We're your biggest fans!
I said, let me go!
Help, somebody, help!
[GROANS]
Help!
Come here, snot-nose!
[SCREAMS]
That's it.
No more Mr. Nice Duck.
Huh?
Let the female creature go!
Huh?
Every duck's got his limit,
and you scum have pushed
me over the line.
Jimmy...
Do you, like, see what I see?
A talking duck?
Yeah, that's it.
I've been doing too much toot!
Shoo! Fly away!
Shoo!
No one laughs
at a master of quack fu!
[EXCLAIMING]
Jimmy, you okay?
Get off me!
You're crazy!
Get out of here!
Come on, you!
You're breaking my fingers!
Now, you and Baby Face
are gonna b*at it.
Right, Mr. Zits?
Before I get really mad.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Come on!
Let's get out of here!
This is obviously no place for
an intelligent, sensitive duck.
This is unreal.
I mean, it can't be.
Thanks.
You're not really a...
A duck?
You know, this is beginning to
seriously undermine my self-esteem.
I'm sorry.
I guess I should thank you
for chasing those guys off.
Are you okay?
Yeah, sure. Terrific.
I just have one giant question.
Where am I?
Oh, well, uh,
the lights up there
are Ninth Street
and the bus stops
at the corner of Powell.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm asking, what is this place?
Uh... Cleveland.
"Cleve Land?" Uh-huh.
That's a perfect weird
name for this planet.
Planet? No, no.
That's the city.
The planet's...
You don't know the planet?
Oh, well.
The planet's called Earth,
I think,
and I'm obviously in some
sort of terrible nightmare.
Oh, yeah?
Your nightmare or mine?
Good point.
So, uh...
I guess I'd better be going.
Mmm.
Thanks again.
Bye.
Bye.
Listen...
Huh?
You got someplace to go?
Hey, if I had someplace to go,
I certainly wouldn't
be in Cleve Land.
[SQUAWKING]
Come on.
Nice place.
You pay to live here?
It's cheap. The manager of
my band found it for me.
I suggest you find
a new manager.
Hey, I'd love to, but we got this
damn contract with the sleazoid,
and he won't even give us
the money he owes us.
[SIGHS] Come on in.
Uh, it's sort of
a disaster area.
We've been working on
some new songs, you know?
See, the band's
called Cherry b*mb.
And... Well,
we've been playing
in these grungy mong-holes,
waiting for our big break.
You don't have any idea what I'm
talking about, do you, Mr...
Hello?
Duck?
It's Howard, thank you.
[CHUCKLES] Right. Howard.
Hi, I'm Beverly.
Uh, listen,
would you like
something to eat or drink?
Milk?
I could put it in a bowl.
Ugh, doll, I don't
drink out of bowls.
You got a beer?
Beer?
Right. Beer.
Right.
Uh...
God, I can't believe this.
[MUMBLING] Yeah, yeah.
I'll put you in a bowl.
What?
Phew!
Oh, give me a break.
[SQUAWKS]
What's this?
Oh, it's a purse.
I got it at a swap meet.
Cute.
Yeah, big brewski.
I'm sorry I'm so nervous.
It's just that
I've never been around a...
Mmm-hmm?
I mean, I've never even
had any pets or anything.
It always seemed
like such a hassle.
You know, feeding 'em, cleaning
up their little poo-poos.
I'll try to be careful.
No, wait.
I didn't mean that you...
Hmm?
Oh.
Look, why don't you
just sit down?
Okay. Why not?
Make yourself at home.
Make myself at home?
I wish!
Listen.
[MOTOR RUMBLING]
Oh, no! Not again!
[SCREAMS]
Howard, it's okay!
You're all right.
The chair started shaking!
It was just
a big truck going by.
[TRUCK HONKING]
A truck.
I knew that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
What I don't know is
what the hell I'm doing here.
It's like a bad trip.
I mean, talk about
an identity crisis.
[PLAYING KEYBOARD]
Yeah. What an awful
thing to happen.
Howard, I was
just kind of wondering,
does everybody on your planet
look like, uh... Like you?
Obviously. Why?
Oh, no reason.
Just wondered.
So, what do you do back home?
You got a job?
You go to school?
I went to med school
for a while.
You went to med school?
Yeah. My parents wanted
me to be a doctor.
A plastic surgeon,
making big bucks doing
beak jobs, tail tucks.
What happened?
I dropped out.
I decided to educate myself in
the real world, on the streets,
so, I wrote songs at night and
did construction work by day.
Wow. That sounds great.
You know, I write songs, too.
What kind of...
Listen. It doesn't matter.
It was all a pipe dream.
I got so tired of everyone
saying, "Grow up, Howard,"
I guess I finally did.
Last month, I got what
they call a promising job.
Oh, yeah?
Doing what?
Advertising copywriter.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] "Only two
things touch my feathers,
"Oil of Night Fowl and him."
I wrote that.
[GIGGLES]
Jeez, Howard.
It sort of sounds
like you sold out.
Maybe. But, sometimes,
I still get this feeling
there's some kind of special
destiny waiting for me.
Howard, that's it.
Maybe that's why you're here.
I mean, I believe that there are
no accidents in the universe.
Maybe you're here
for some greater purpose,
some cosmic cause.
Are you nuts?
[YAWNING]
I got no intention
of being stranded here.
I gotta get back.
How is another matter.
Yeah. Right.
We gotta get some help.
Oh, but, Howard...
[SNORING]
[GASPS]
[SQUAWKS]
Oh, jeez.
Howard!
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[SNORING]
What am I gonna do with you,
Ducky?
[MUTTERING]
[SIGHS]
Ah! This is humiliating.
I just don't want people
freaking out all over the place.
What about me?
I'm gonna have to see a psychiatrist
every day for the rest of my life.
Relax!
We're almost there.
Oh, goodie.
Phil's a scientist.
He can help.
Oh! Ow!
Howard, this isn't working!
HOWARD: Tell me about it! Can
I give you a hand with that?
No. We're doing...
What's in the bag?
I'm doing fine,
thank you very much.
Let me out of here. Ouch.
Excuse me,
could I help you with that?
No!
Yes!
Why are we stopping?
Hi.
Oh, hi, Beverly.
We had an appointment.
BEVERLY: We got here
as fast as we could.
[EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY]
God. Listen, everybody.
This is it.
I've just seen it.
It's in there.
It's a... It's a...
It's nothing!
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
It's nothing!
Never mind!
Carry on,
Dr. Chapin.
This is amazing.
Man's oldest fantasy...
Across a sea of stars...
Look! Up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
No! It's a duck!
Phil, you've got to help us.
What are we gonna do?
Nice ducky.
Me Phil.
You Howard.
We be friends.
Ugh.
[SQUAWKING] Me Phil.
You Howard. We can be friends.
Undoubtedly one of Earth's
greatest minds here.
[EXCLAIMS]
Hey, Phil, don't talk
to him like that.
He's just as smart as you are.
Oh! Now, I'm really depressed.
Highly intelligent,
perhaps even...
Wait, that's it.
We're about to see if
the subject has any abilities
we don't have here
on Earth, any...
What?
Shall we say...
Hmm?
Super powers.
Howard!
Hmm?
Can you bend this?
[CLATTERING]
What are you? Crazy?
Howard...
Can you burn a hole through this
with some kind of eye laser?
Can I bite your nose off
with my super bill?
Howard, quit holding out!
I want you to concentrate
and read my mind!
Right.
You're thinking...
"They know I'm a phony.
"They know I'm a yo-yo."
[LAUGHS]
Tell me if I'm warm
on any of these, Phil.
I want you to look
into the future
and tell me what you see!
I see myself
walking out that door.
BEVERLY: Yeah! Me, too!
No, no, no! Wait, wait!
You can't leave!
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Because there are
papers to be written,
there's research to be done,
there's symposiums
to give, lecture tours.
Howard, we are on our way
to the science hall of fame.
Look out, Darwin!
Look out, Einstein!
Hello, Nobel Prize!
We are not here to make
you famous, Blumburtt.
Beverly, listen, I never badmouth
others in the scientific fraternity,
but you bring an alien
in a bag to most guys,
and whammo! They're talking,
"Let's cut him into little pieces
"and see what color
his organs are!"
I just want to know,
A, what I'm doing here,
and B, how I'm gonna get back.
Piece of cake.
A, I'm just the guy to help,
and that's because
B, I've already got a theory.
What theory?
Well, this is, of course,
the evolutionary ladder,
showing how man progressed
from monkey to...
Me, for instance.
You consider that progress?
Jeez, you're all hairless apes?
That's really disgusting.
Now, I want you both to imagine,
somewhere in the universe
is Howard's world.
Picture it in your mind,
a world almost
exactly like ours,
except that the progenitor
of the dominant species
was not a monkey, but a duck!
Some theory.
Every school duck
knows this stuff.
And as the duck
climbed up
the evolutionary ladder,
he said adiós to his wings.
His mental capacity increases.
He begins to develop...
Beverly?
Shopping malls?
[CHUCKLES]
No, tribes.
Cro-Magnon duck,
who ultimately evolves into
Howard.
Hey, Blumburtt! Blumburtt!
Come on.
DR. CHAPIN: What the hell
are you doing?
Don't move!
Don't breathe!
Did you finish cleaning
up the specimen lab?
Um, almost finished.
Well, get down to the marine
life exhibit with a mop.
Some kid upchucked
all over the fern fossils.
Right. Good as done,
Dr. Chapin.
HOWARD: So, Philsie...
You a scientist or a janitor?
Uh, I am a lab assistant.
That's terrific.
Just perfect...
Yeah, I'm out of here.
Look, it's just a temporary job
until I finish school
and get my own museum.
Yeah. Stuffed,
you'd make a great exhibit.
Howard!
BEVERLY: Howard, wait!
[SCREAMS]
Ah-ha!
Typical hairless ape.
Howard, now, come on. Don't
flutter off in a huff.
Beverly, listen, I've got
some important matters...
DR. CHAPIN: Blumburtt,
did you hear me?
...to clean up here,
but I'll call you tonight.
DR. CHAPIN: I want
you back in here, now.
I'll figure out a way
to help Howard, I swear.
Just don't show him
to anybody else...
Yeah, they look hungry.
Get 'em a banana.
Hide him!
Take him to a movie!
Look, I didn't know
where else to go for help.
DR. CHAPIN: Inside, Blumburtt!
Coming! Coming!
Howard, why are you
so pissed off?
Why? Listen.
If you got blasted millions
of miles through space,
ended up on another planet
and were given
an IQ test by a janitor,
you'd be a little
pissed off, too.
Look, maybe you are trapped
in a world you never made,
but I got problems of my own.
You know, my whole
career is falling apart.
Your career?
What about my life?
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
I'm stranded here, shipwrecked.
Look at this wonderful exhibit!
You see what I mean?
I'm a freak, an outcast.
It's so lifelike and realistic.
Bugger off!
Excuse me?
I said b*at it!
[GROWLING]
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
Mutants.
You, too.
Leave me alone.
What?
I don't need any more of your
sympathy, your charity...
Okay.
Okay, fine.
I mean, I just
found something...
Uh-uh?
I mean somebody in a pretty weird
predicament, and I was trying to help.
Mmm-hmm.
If that's the way you want it,
then so long, Ducky.
Don't shed any tears
over me, toots!
You can wallow in
your own self-pity!
Right!
Well, who needs you?
I don't need anybody.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
[SQUAWKS]
Oh, no!
Damn it, I can't sit here
on my tail feathers
feeling sorry for myself.
I've got to think
about practical matters.
Food, shelter...
A job!
[HUMMING]
Now, you do know
why you were sent to me?
My continuing
streak of bad luck?
[CHUCKLES]
You've been sent to me
because I'm famous
for finding jobs
for little slackers like you.
That's right.
They send me
all the psycho cases,
all the misfits,
all the phonies and the fakers
who think that, by traipsing
in here looking outlandish,
they're not gonna
be able to find work!
It's my fault I gotta shoplift
at the little tykes
section of Goodwill?
I'm not talking
about your clothes!
I'm talking about your face!
Hey.
You think that,
by looking controversial,
you're never gonna find a job
and just go on
collecting unemployment
and living happy
on the public dough.
Well, dude, you got
another thing coming,
'cause Coramae always
places her interviewee!
[SNARLING]
I'm gonna find your ass a job.
That'll wipe that snarl
right off your face,
little...
Whatever you is.
Hmm.
In fact,
I think I got just
the position for you.
Hmm.
[GROWLING]
I got a feeling
you gonna take to this job
like a duck to water.
[LAUGHING]
[MOANING]
Towels! Lotions!
[GIRL SHRIEKING]
Antibiotics?
[SHUDDERS]
[LAUGHING]
Hmm, must be mating season.
Creepy little dude.
Hey! Shorty!
Huh?
It's Howard, thank you,
and I'm taking a break.
Oh! Pardon me,
your lowness,
but we seem to have a plugged-up
air jet in number five.
And?
And?
And since you are supposed to be
the water expert I asked for,
you are going to fix it!
Oh, no.
HOWARD: No, no, no!
Wait, wait!
I got a better idea!
Wait! Wait!
I can't swim!
Oops! Guess I slipped!
[MOANING]
[GASPING]
Don't mind me!
[GROANS IN DISGUST]
I need that creepy little dude
in here to clean this place up!
How am I supposed
to run a class...
[SCREAMS]
Guess I slipped.
Just came by to tell you,
I quit! Huh!
[SIGHS]
HOWARD: Excuse me!
Getting off! My stop!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Hi, there.
How are you?
Good to see you.
MAN: Hey, where
you going, pal?
Yeah, same to you.
Urban jungle. Jeez!
[ALL LAUGHING]
MAN 1: What is that?
MAN 2: That's a duck!
What is that thing?
That's a duck, man!
TV NEWS REPORTER: Forecasting
a weekend of fair weather
for you duck hunters and
for our lucky field reporter,
Steve Kanelli.
Well, Bob, it's time
to dust off those decoys
and practice that squawking because duck
hunting season has officially opened...
Duck hunting?
And the Wildlife Commission has actually
doubled the limit of ducks that can be sh*t.
sh*t?
Reactions from local hunters
have been enthusiastic.
MAN: [IN FRENCH ACCENT] The duck has
come to America with Duck-A-Roni.
Oh, no!
But if every hunter can blast
[TRUCK BACKFIRES]
[SCREAMING]
Hey, buddy, what's the rush?
[EXCLAIMING]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
[PANTING]
Huh?
BEVERLY: [SINGING]
I don't know why
You're not talking to me
I don't know what went wrong
Two people who had
so much together
Really ought to get along
Yeah
Something started
to change inside of you
Then right out of the blue
Two friends
with such a lot to give
I don't know where you are
What you're going through
What are we trying to prove?
'Cause when this world's too big
To take on your shoulders
Feels like love is in vain
You could break down
in my arms, babe
But it really hurts
when you turn away
And I can take
the look you give me
Believe me
'Cause I know you are in pain
And I can take
the names you call me
But I can't stand
when you turn away
Don't turn away
I can feel you all around me
This is way too depressing.
[CROWD JEERING]
Okay. Give me a b*at!
One, two, three, four!
MAN: Yeah!
[WHISTLES]
Honey! I love you!
I love you!
[KISSING NOISES]
Yeah, right here.
Beverly, I'm yours...
After the show.
All right.
Here's the money for the girl.
I'll make sure they get it!
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, I'll bet.
When?
When? When bodacious Beverly
stops holding out on me.
Gonna invite her
up to my place tonight
for a little
career manipulation.
I guess you must be
the girls' manager.
And if you are,
I don't like the way
you're talking about Beverly.
And I want the girls' money!
[STAMMERING] Ritchie,
what is that?
Look, Ginger, I warned you when
you got into rock management
you'd be dealing with
the entertainment types.
You know, different
strokes and all that.
Hey, hey, different
lifestyles is one thing,
different life forms is another.
[GASPS]
I'm not in a real good
mood tonight, Ginger.
I want the girls' money.
[SNICKERS]
Now, is this gonna be easy,
or is this gonna be trouble?
Hey, Ritchie,
tell it to go away.
I'm not up on all
my barnyard languages.
[COUGHING]
Okay, duck, out! You're gone! You're
history, you little wise-quacker!
Arrivederci, duck!
Oh! Oh, no!
Mallard in the side pocket!
Adiós, quack man!
Very nicely done.
Hey, what's going on
out there now?
Huh?
[CROWD CHEERING]
[GROWLING]
All right.
Now it's my turn.
Hey, come on, duck,
take your best sh*t!
[GRUNTS]
You got it!
Ritchie! Get up!
Duck kabob!
[EXCLAIMS]
No!
[CROWD SHRIEKS]
[SCREAMING]
Oh. No earring
in your other ear?
I'll just make the hole myself.
No, please, man!
Don't, man, please don't!
The money!
Sure! Sure, here! Here, take the money!
Take it, it's yours! Take it!
And you're no longer
their manager.
Listen, okay, everybody
in here is a witness.
I am letting the girls
out of their contract, okay?
Tell your g*ons to stay back!
I'm warning you.
Stay back, Ritchie!
I bite your face,
you're a dead man, Ginger!
What are you talking about?
Space rabies!
Ritchie, is that a real disease?
I don't know, Ginger. I heard
something about that on the news.
That's right, space rabies!
One bite, and it's agonizing
death in 15 seconds!
Bite! Bite! Bite!
[CROWD SCREAMING]
Real music lovers, huh?
[SCOFFS]
KC: What a dive!
[SCOFFS]
Man, those guys
are a bunch of fools!
Obviously the wrong crowd.
I'm running out of sticks
to throw at people.
This sucks.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Now what?
Tell 'em to go away.
[HOWARD CLEARS THROAT]
Down here, doll!
Is Beverly in?
Wow! Jeez!
You must be...
KC! Meet Howard.
Wow!
Hi, Howie.
We've heard so much about you.
Of course, we didn't believe it.
Yo! How weird.
[CHUCKLES]
Hiya, Ducky.
Hi, toots.
BEVERLY: How's the world
been treating you?
[SCOFFS]
Guess.
I was worried about you.
I missed you.
Well, sex appeal. Some guys
got it and some guys don't.
Howard!
Listen, I'm sorry we fought.
You're the only friend
I've got here.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hi! Sorry I missed the show.
I came to watch you
undress, though,
and brought a pizza.
Howard!
[SQUAWKS]
Oy...
Vey.
Thank God you're back! I've been working
on the mystery of your arrival!
What's he doing here?
Well, he and Ronette have
sort of got back together.
I don't know who's more
desperate for dates, you or me.
Huh?
Hmm.
Anyway, Howard, I was talking
to some astrolophysicists.
You know, the guys that discovered
that Aztecs came from Mars.
Well, these guys concluded
that you arrived here
in a spacecraft
millions of years ago
and must have remained
frozen in ice!
Go away!
Ronette, could you
shut this boy up?
Howard...
What's a pizza?
It's a circular
Italian food object.
Howard, I didn't buy
that theory either,
so I did some research and I discovered
an ancient race of large ducks
worshipped by primitive Samoans.
Leave me alone!
I was barking up the
wrong tree, I knew that,
but tonight, I am getting concrete
evidence about how you got here.
[PAGER BEEPS]
Wait a minute.
Oh, I gotta make a call.
Phil!
No sex now. I'm working.
Got a place to stay tonight?
Mmm-mmm.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, yeah,
by the way, I forgot...
I had a little talk
with your manager, Ginger.
You talked to that slime?
What for?
I got your money from him.
[ALL GASP]
Ducky, I can't believe this!
I also got him to agree
that it was time for him
to step aside as your manager.
What? You got rid of Ginger?
Mr. Duck,
you're wonderful!
This is it!
I'm out of here!
Good!
Howard! I'm about to meet
secretly with my colleague,
and he's bringing the feather.
What feather?
What are you talking...
If it matches, it'll be the
answer to all your problems.
Matches? No, you don't!
Stay away from me!
Let me through!
Phil, leave him alone.
[SCREAMING]
Philip, get a grip!
I'm about to unravel
the mystery of your arrival!
Come back here,
you hairless ape!
You'll have time
to thank me later.
Get out of here, geek!
[LAUGHING]
We're gonna be famous!
Are you okay?
Oh, it's just my pride.
We'll go home, Ducky.
[PLAYING KEYBOARD]
Hmm.
[PROGRAMED BEATS PLAYING]
[BEATS STOP]
[CHUCKLES]
[BEATS PLAYING]
Yeah.
Uh-huh!
[PLAYING KEYBOARD]
Yeah!
All right!
[LAUGHING]
[SCATTING]
Hey!
[STOPS PLAYING]
A little tune I never finished.
You play pretty good.
I had a group in high school,
Howard and the Heartbreakers.
Oh, heavy, Howard.
Very heavy.
Maybe you should be our manager.
Wait a second...
Maybe you're just the kind
of bizarro influence we need.
Forget it.
No more jobs here.
Uh-uh. I think you'd
be a great manager.
I'm gonna suggest
it to the girls.
I've given up
trying to assimilate.
Mmm-mmm. I've got to get
back to my own kind.
Although...
I have developed
a greater appreciation
for the female version
of the human anatomy.
[HOWARD HOWLS]
Howard, you really
are the worst!
[CHUCKLES]
Come on, let's watch
David Letterman.
Hmm.
Come on.
Okey-dokey.
You know, I got a feeling
my life's really gonna change
since you fell into it, Ducky.
Yeah, well, I'm glad
somebody's happy.
If I could just get
my career back on course,
I'd only have the old
standard worry left.
What's that?
Just can't seem
to find the right man.
Maybe it's not a man
you should be looking for.
You think I might find happiness
in the animal kingdom, Ducky?
Like they say,
doll, love's strange.
We could always give it a try.
Hmm?
Okay.
Let's go for it,
Mr. Macho.
What do you mean, okay?
It was a joke!
Mmm-hmm.
Listen...
[YAWNING]
I'm pretty tired.
It's just that you're so
incredibly soft and cuddly.
Bev, let's be realistic.
I mean, my apartment's
zillions of miles from here.
[EXCLAIMS]
You're 3 feet taller than I am.
I just can't resist
your intense animal magnetism.
[MOANS]
Whoops!
Anyway, where will it all lead?
Marriage? Kids?
A house in the suburbs?
Let's just face it, it's fate.
No! It's not!
[SHUDDERS]
I've got a headache.
And I got the aspirin.
Be gentle.
Just one good-night kiss,
sweet Ducky?
Come on, Howard,
I was just kidding.
Night.
[SIGHS]
[GASPS]
[EXCLAIMS]
My God!
This relationship, it defies
all the laws of nature.
No, it doesn't.
This is not what you think.
We're just very good friends.
[EXCLAIMS]
Phil!
Oh, I'm sorry.
The door was open.
Who the hell are they?
This is my friend Carter, and this is Dr.
Walter Jenning,
and I told 'em
all about you, Howard.
You were obviously right.
Show him the evidence.
What evidence?
We tested them, and they're
both from the same fowl.
You, Howard.
My feathers?
Howard! Howard,
don't go berserk! No!
On my planet, we never
say die, we say k*ll!
Now, wait a minute. Listen
to me, small visitor.
I can explain how you got here.
Hmm?
CARTER: Dr. Jenning is in charge of
the astrophysics lab at Dynatechnics.
Now, on the night
of September 8...
That's the night
that Howard landed.
Yes, now, on that night,
we were initiating
our first full-scale test
of the laser spectroscope.
This was sh*t
during the experiment.
It was just a routine
procedure meant to measure
the density of the gases
that surround Alpha Centauri.
However, partway through
the experiment,
there was a deviation and we lost
control of the laser spectroscope.
What do you mean, lost control?
Some unknown force was redirecting the
laser beam from its original target
so that it hit
your planet instead.
Hit my planet? How about
hit my living room?
Talk about an
invasion of privacy.
When the beam hit, you
must have been caught up
in a massive energy inversion
which literally
dragged you through space
back to the power source
here on Earth.
Radical.
JENNING: In the lab that night,
we saw a single feather fall.
Oh.
We weren't aware that
the rest of you, Howard,
had landed in that alley
just 2 miles away.
Any questions?
Yeah. Where are my pants?
Howard, where are you going?
To this lab of theirs.
What for?
To hop back on board
that laser thing.
Then all you have to do is hit the reverse
lever to send me back home, right?
Well, we hadn't considered
reversing the process.
I don't think it's feasible.
Me either.
Now, wait a minute.
If we could generate
a strong enough hypercharge...
You can't do that.
You mean the reflex mode might
provoke a total reversal.
It just might be possible.
It won't work.
Yeah.
Sir...
Don't listen to them, Howard.
I have got you booked
on A.M. Cleveland.
We can get the cover
of Science Digest...
Butt out, four-eyes.
BEVERLY: Yeah.
Look, you guys, could you
really send him back?
JENNING: If we did, we could
establish a continuing link
between our planets,
but he would have to leave tonight,
while the alignment still exists.
We can't afford to wait.
You mean I'm finally
gonna breeze this flytrap?
Ducky, this is what you wanted.
You're going home.
Yeah.
JENNING: Right.
Carter, call Larry. Have him set
up the initiation procedure.
Tell him I'll meet him
at the lab right away.
You and Blumburtt
can bring Howard.
You are about to make history a
second time, my little friend.
Thanks. But once was plenty.
Get to it.
Right.
You know, Howard, we could
hold out for a PBS special...
Phil.
HOWARD: Bev, get dressed.
Aren't you gonna see me off?
Sure, I am. I just hope they
let you take a carry-on bag.
Look, I'm gonna put in these
Polaroids that we took at the club.
Thanks.
These'll help.
The guys back home
are never gonna believe me.
[CHUCKLES]
What's this in my bed?
Souvenirs?
I'm gonna miss you a lot, Ducky.
Bev, I don't belong here.
You know I've gotta go.
Yeah.
[BARKS]
Lilly had the dolphins,
Cousteau, the whales,
Goodall, gorillas.
I had a duck.
I could have been a contender.
Bev...
I'm not a real sentimental guy.
No. I bet you were born from
a very hardboiled egg, Ducky.
Yeah.
But I do keep wondering...
Of all the alleys in the world I
could have fallen into that night,
why did it have to be yours?
Because, right now,
you're the one and only thing
that's making it very
hard for me to leave.
[PHONE RINGING]
There's no guard.
Oh. We should
go back, then, huh?
Phil...
What?
Drive.
[ALARM BLARING]
What are these alarms?
Something's happened.
What's happened?
I don't know.
That is really cool. Right.
Hold it. Security.
[SCREAMING] My eyes! My eyes!
It exploded again!
It was terrible!
We have no right to
tamper with the universe!
[GROANING]
This does not bode well.
Hmm.
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
Is he okay?
Whoa!
BEVERLY: Holy Toledo!
MAN 1: Put it here! Come on!
Get out of the way! It's still hot!
Get over here!
Shut down the laser system!
Drop the emergency shield!
Get that platform stabilized!
MAN 2:
Where's Jenning?
WOMAN: You get over here now!
Come on, come on!
BEVERLY: Howard,
where are you going?
Larry, where's Dr. Jenning?
Carter, come here,
let me show you this.
He was pre-activating
the laser spectroscope.
Uh-huh.
We lost control again and
there was another expl*si*n,
and Jenning caught the full
force of the blast this time.
Is he all right?
Where is he?
You see, the bottom of the
spectroscope blew into the wall,
and Jenning just...
Just disappeared.
Excuse me, but is this
gonna delay my takeoff?
Is that...
Is that it?
That's unbelievable!
Yeah. We brought Howard down
the first time, but what if...
Oh, my God, Larry, what if we've
brought down something else this time?
We're rounding up all the
scientists for you in the lab, sir,
but I think you'd better take a
look at this other thing first.
A thing, Hanson?
Is that the kind of precise
descriptive techniques
they're teaching rookies
nowadays? A thing?
I want to know what they're
doing with Howard.
Excuse me,
are you in charge here?
Yeah, why?
Well, I want to know why
they're harassing Howard.
Who's Howard?
He had nothing to do with it.
Howard is just
an innocent, um...
Thing?
No. Duck.
Just an innocent duck?
And they wonder why I'm
asking for early retirement.
You deal with this.
Wait a second.
You can't...
Kirby. You got
a thing in here?
Uh, thing.
Mmm-hmm.
I've had enough.
I want to see my lawyer.
[LAUGHING]
I've got rights, you know.
I'm suing.
Yeah.
God damn it, Hanson, get in here
and get this frigging duck
suit off this nut. Sir.
Uh-oh.
All right, get a hold of him.
Hey! Hey, let me go,
you big gorillas!
HOWARD: On my planet,
we never say die,
we say...
Not my shorts!
Find that damn zipper!
You perverts!
Uh, lieutenant...
Lieutenant, there's no zipper!
There's no buttons,
no Velcro, sir.
I think the suspect's duckness
is, like, inborn, sir.
I think he's for real.
HOWARD: If your g*ons are finished...
Let go!
Ow, ow!
I'd like a word with those
so-called scientists out there.
Oh, yeah?
What about?
About when they can rev up that
machine and send me back home.
Listen, Howard, I'm gonna go talk
to the scientists out there.
You are gonna go play
sitting duck in a jail cell.
Lieutenant,
what's the charge, sir?
Illegal alien.
Come on!
I'll get the car.
All right.
Oh, a cigar!
[EXCLAIMS] All right, that's how
it starts, police brutality!
Hey, stop manhandling him!
Hey, you can't come in here.
Ah. Here's another one,
already lit.
Oh, nuts!
I dropped my cigar!
Fire!
Fire.
Oh, jeez, that's all I need.
So long, copper!
[GROWLS]
Desperate ducks
commit desperate acts.
Freeze!
Book him, Ducko.
Give her the keys
to the cuffs, flatfoot.
[COCKING g*n] Yeah.
[EXHALES]
What are you doing here tonight?
You got no ID.
Lieutenant!
What?
The duck got away.
Ah!
Get up, fool.
Get him out of here.
POLICEMAN: Over here,
on the double!
Okay, I want this guy.
The suspect is 3'1 " tall.
You heard me.
He's armed.
That means he's got
a w*apon, right?
That also means he's dangerous.
Moi?
Extremely dangerous.
sh**t to k*ll!
[BOTH GULP]
Let's move it out!
Come on!
[POLICEMEN SHOUTING]
MAN: Richard,
come with me!
Okay, let's go.
[GASPS]
No, don't sh**t!
We give up!
Time out!
We surrender!
[GROANS]
Dr. Jenning?
What?
More cops.
Come on, hurry!
What?
Get over here, doc!
Howard. Howard.
HOWARD: What?
[GROANS]
The laser spectroscope
malfunctioned again.
There was
a tremendous expl*si*n,
and then I must've blacked out.
Then I suddenly
find myself out here!
They after you?
Does "sh**t to k*ll"
sound serious?
I'm probably finished, too.
[GROANING]
These experiments
were unauthorized.
They're probably
gonna blame me...
[GROANS]
Oh, my God.
You need help.
Howard, maybe we all
should get out of here, huh?
You got a car, doc?
What's wrong with me?
There's the back gate.
BEVERLY: Good.
There's no cops.
[GRUNTING] I don't have
a gate key.
You've got a foot,
don't you? So step on it!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Lieutenant, a car crashed out the
back gate headed towards Highway 5!
All right, get out an all points
bulletin right now. Yes, sir!
How the hell am I gonna
explain a manhunt for a duck?
It's a duck hunt.
Hanson, please don't.
Don't start. Please, please.
You've got to understand.
I'm telling you,
I saw something!
Doc, you're in shock
from the expl*si*n
and you're imagining things!
Uh-uh.
Watch where you're going,
damn it!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Listen, an evil has landed.
The world is in great danger.
Yeah, it certainly is when
you're out on the highway.
Look out!
You're gonna get us k*lled!
Feels like something inside
me, gnawing at my guts.
What's wrong with me?
Well, what did you
have for lunch?
[TIRES SQUEAL]
HOWARD: Oh, my! Oh, my!
[ALL YELLING]
[TRUCK HORN BLARING]
BEVERLY: The road's
over there!
[GROANING]
Come on, give us a break!
Don't close your eyes!
The pain.
It's like
I'm transforming inside.
I'm afraid I'm about
to become something else.
Oh, great! Like a sex
change or something.
Something's growing inside me.
It's replicating and superseding
all my internal organs.
Well, we'll stop at a bathroom.
[GROANS]
That monstrous shape I saw!
[GASPS]
[HORN HONKING]
[BEVERLY SCREAMING]
Jenning!
It's inside my body!
This guy's delirious!
He's not making any sense!
It's too late! The end
of the world is coming.
[SINISTER VOICE] And I
will be the cause of it!
Jenning, slow down!
Steer, you big yo-yo!
Steer!
[HOWARD SCREAMING]
Howard!
Step on the brake!
Who, me?
No, I'll step on the brake!
Oh!
Oh, no! White line!
Wrong lane!
[ALL YELLING]
The brake!
Push, Beverly! Push!
I'm trying!
[GROANS]
I'm dead.
[SINISTER VOICE]
Yes! You are!
You think that's funny, Jenning?
I'm not Jenning anymore!
The transformation is complete!
I am now someone else.
Try telling that
to your insurance company.
I think he needs some coffee.
Come on.
Oh, after you.
Uh-oh.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[HUMMING]
Hmm?
Hey!
Sorry.
This is why I hate
the night shift!
I'm sorry! We don't allow
pets on the premises.
Hey! Have a heart!
Seeing-eye duck!
Touching, isn't it?
[GROWLING]
Ah! Not so tight!
What are you doing?
Falling in love?
Sit down.
I need a beer bad.
Gotta find a waitress. Yeah.
[WHISTLES]
[SIGHS]
Hey, honey! Yo!
Yeah, I'm coming.
Here she comes.
Wow!
Your kid's costume
is really radical!
I'll bet he's crazy about
[GROWLING]
it.
Yeah. I'm very
attached to it.
Your dad...
Sort of in his own space.
What do you think
he'd like to eat?
I no longer need human food.
Mmm-mmm.
WAITRESS: I know it's a drag,
but you're gonna have to order
some food if you want to sit here,
so how about the
specials on the menu?
You are about to witness
the end of the old world
and the birth of the new.
[BOTH SIGHING]
Hey! Is he, like, one of those
TV evangelists or something?
Or something.
I'm gonna k*ll somebody.
It's okay, Howard.
Why don't we just have three
specials and three beers?
Right.
[GROWLING]
Poor girl.
Listen! Dr. J?
Yoo-hoo!
If you can tune back into
reality for a second.
I don't understand anything
you're talking about.
Mmm-mmm.
All I know is I need that
laser machine to get me home.
Is it still working, Jenning?
Jenning!
I told you, bird brain,
I am not Jenning anymore.
I am now one of the Dark
Overlords of the Universe.
"Dark Overlord of the Universe"?
That must be quite
a responsibility.
Tonight, the laser beam
hit the Nexus of Sominus.
What is that?
A suburb of Cleveland?
[LAUGHING]
It lies beyond the planets.
It is a region of demons
to which we Dark Overlords
were exiled eons ago.
I hope you're getting all this.
Howard, what I'm getting is that
this man is very, very sick.
Just as you were brought
down here accidentally,
tonight the laser beam released
me from that region of demons
and pulled me down
into that lab.
Small universe.
During the expl*si*n,
I entered Jenning's body.
So...
I have disguised my true form,
which would be considered
hideous and revolting here.
Lucky for the people eating.
Mmm-hmm.
[SCREAMING]
You ordered three specials.
What's wrong?
This will mean the extinction
of all existing life forms.
You haven't even tasted it yet.
What do you think? I'm into
cannibalism or something?
Hey! Are we, like, all in
the same discussion here?
I'll give you a hint, doll.
What's white, ovoid and always
reminds me of my birthday?
I don't know.
The eggs!
Get 'em out of here!
Gosh!
You know...
Hostility is, like,
a psychic boomerang.
I can't believe this planet.
Fried eggs?
Yuck!
Just bring the beer!
Howard! Howard!
[GROWLING LOUDER]
[BOTH GASPING]
What happened?
How the hell did you do that?
My powers are growing!
Watch out!
It is time now.
What's that?
It is the code key.
It will activate the laser
spectroscope when I use it tonight
to bring down the other
Dark Overlords.
The others?
Now he's got a whole g*ng.
Well, screw 'em.
I got dibs on the laser first!
Give me that code key.
That's my ticket home!
[SCREAMING]
HOWARD: Look at his hand!
That's nothing.
Look at his face!
Yes. Soon the Dark Overlords
will engulf the Earth.
Nothing human will remain here.
Yeah? Well, nothing duck's
remaining here, either.
Move! We're going!
You'll get the check?
[GROWLS]
Hate to eat and run.
Hello there.
Get out of the way.
Hey, look at the talking duck.
Bug off!
Lord! What is that?
You jackass!
He's a ventriloquist.
This guy here's doing the talking,
and this here's the dummy.
Go ahead.
Say something, dummy.
You might not want to
hear what I'll say, bozo.
[LAUGHING]
Did you make him
say that, jerk-off?
[GROWLING]
Oh!
Leave him alone. He was just
in an industrial accident.
[BELCHES]
Take a hike, cowboy!
You're a dead duck!
BEVERLY: Hey!
What's this? The key
to your duckmobile?
Give me that or you're
gonna be sorry.
You better watch out!
He's a master of quack fu!
I'll quack fu him!
Doink!
Going down!
HOWARD: Come on, Bev, run!
Oh, nuts!
Going up!
Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm sorry!
[SQUAWKING]
Howard! Howard!
Quack!
This one's for you, quacker!
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Good sh*t!
Another hungry customer!
Yeah!
You!
Toro! Toro! Olé!
I'm gonna get you,
you dumb duck!
[GROANS]
Airborne!
You damn nut!
Go away!
Call the police!
Not the police.
Call somebody else.
They're gonna hurt Howard.
An evil unlike any
you can imagine
is about to engulf the Earth.
Oh, no, no.
We have fights
in here all the time.
HOWARD: Come and get it!
Your order's ready!
You gonna just sit there?
She took my eggs.
Oh!
HOWARD: One special!
Howard!
Beverly!
Howard!
Jenning! I could use
some help here, buddy!
Come on!
Let's get out of here!
[YELLING]
[LAUGHING] Yeah!
Howard!
MAN: You're not
getting away now,
you stupid little bird!
HOWARD: Now you're
ruffling my feathers!
Put me down,
you big hairless ape!
Put me down right now!
Put him down!
Howard may be a duck,
but you people are animals!
He's my boyfriend!
[ALL GASP]
[CHUCKLING]
That's disgusting.
ALL: Yeah!
You're not making me
proud to be a human!
HOWARD: Let me just pay the
check and I'm out of here!
[ALL CLAMORING]
I can't believe
you're just sitting here!
Look what they're
doing to Howard!
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Oh, jeez!
MAN 1: Chicken-fried!
MAN 2: Duck!
HOWARD: Where's the SPCA
when you need 'em?
I am not amused!
MAN: I'm gonna barbecue
your bill, bird!
Oh, great duck in heaven,
is this the end of Howard?
There's gonna be more v*olence!
I hate v*olence!
You gotta go in there
and b*at 'em up!
Jenning! Jenning!
Don't just sit there!
This is serious!
They're gonna cook me!
MAN 1: Take that!
MAN 2: Stuff him!
Any last words?
Yeah. Jenning!
He's my favorite duck.
You hardly know him.
Jenning!
They're seasoning me!
Wait.
You better let me up.
You don't want
to get my friend angry.
Oh, yeah? Why?
Because he's one of the Dark
Overlords of the Universe
and he can destroy you
and the Earth. Everything!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Yeah. Well, I didn't
buy it at first, either.
Look!
They're laughing at you!
And they've got
Mr. Code Key.
[GROWLING]
Oh, my God.
One, two...
Wait a minute! Jenning!
Oh, look! I warned you!
Here he comes!
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]
He must have ate the chili.
Release the small waterfowl.
Bring me the code key, Howard.
Right. The code key.
You heard him.
Cut me loose.
Sounds like a bunch
of bullpucky to me!
Oh, my God!
[GROANS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Yikes!
Oh, my God!
[CACKLING]
Are you okay, Howard?
[IN FALSETTO VOICE] Yes.
Enough of this crap!
You! Out of here!
If you can't take the heat,
get out of that kitchen!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Where's the code key?
It's closing time!
HOWARD: The code key!
It's not nice to fool
with a Dark Overlord.
MAN 1: Let me out!
MAN 2: Let me out of here!
They get the point, Jenning!
MAN: Move!
Get out of the way!
[SCREAMING]
Now's our chance.
Yeah. Come on.
This way.
Cut it out, Howard.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
[GASPS]
Going somewhere?
Yeah. Without you.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[GASPS]
Hey!
Move the table out of the way!
BEVERLY: [GRUNTING]
Oh, God, it's stuck!
Uh-oh.
What's wrong?
[MOANING]
Howard, get down from there!
Like I'm doing this on purpose!
Give me the code key!
Oh, yeah?
What if I don't?
Ouch! Can't you
take a joke?
Jeez! You broke my head!
[SCREAMING]
I will now bring down
the other Dark Overlords.
Hey! What about me?
Oh!
You filthy scum bucket!
[SHRIEKS]
[GROANING]
Howard!
No! Beverly!
Beverly!
No! Look out!
You k*lled him!
You k*lled him!
Beverly! I'll find you.
I need your body!
Creep! I've heard
that one before!
The Dark Overlords
cannot exist on this planet
unless they grow
inside a human body.
Oh, God. No.
[SQUEALING]
I hurt!
Need energy!
Watch out!
More energy!
[YELLING]
[SCREAMING]
That's the grossest!
I'm gonna puke!
[SNARLING]
Oh, God!
[GAGGING]
[CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO]
WAITRESS: All this I explained
to the first officer...
There was this big guy and
this girl and this little kid.
At least, I thought
it was a little kid.
Uh-huh.
Then I flashed
on reality, right? Bam!
Halloween's not till next month.
I know my rights!
Where's my baseball cap?
POLICEMAN: Shut up!
Fascist!
Oh. No handle.
[SIGHS]
HOWARD: Philsie!
Philsie!
Philsie! It's me!
[WHISPERING] Howard!
Howard, I got arrested
at the plant.
I'm gonna have
a criminal record.
Ah. Jenning kidnapped Beverly.
He's taking her back
to that science lab.
What? Why?
He's some kind of monster.
He's gonna bring down
more of his buddies.
He's got big plans,
like taking over Earth.
Philsie, we gotta
get out of here.
Howard... This door
doesn't have any handles.
Get a rock or something,
break this window.
Rock?
Window.
Let me try the door first.
[GRUNTING]
Oh.
How are we getting out of here?
Come on.
Philsie, where are we going?
Hey, over here!
It'll be dawn soon.
HOWARD: Hey,
let's steal a cop car.
Don't you think that'd
be a little conspicuous?
Hitchhike. Cab.
What is that?
Huh?
Jeez! It looks
like an airplane.
Well, it will be. We can put
it together in no time.
Somebody's weekend hobby is
gonna get us back to that lab.
Hey, we've got
a saying on my planet,
if God intended us to fly, he
wouldn't have taken away our wings.
That's really profound, Howard.
Could you find the tool box?
Yeah. I know why
you want a tool box.
You got a screw loose.
[SNARLING]
Power.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, no.
[SNARLS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[ROARING]
They just spotted the
duck and the kid. Where?
Behind the warehouse next door.
They're about to take off.
What do you mean, take off?
[SIRENS BLARING]
It's not doing anything.
Cops!
[GRUNTS]
Throttle! Push forward
on the throttle!
Okay. Yeah.
Full throttle!
Full throttle!
Cops, Philsie!
Right!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Run away!
[ALL SHOUTING]
There's cops everywhere!
Not in the air,
Howard! Up! Up!
HOWARD: Look out!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Prepare for takeoff!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Whoa! No! No!
[SHRIEKING]
Follow them. Bring them
down and bring them back!
I want that duck
dead or alive.
It's south-southwest, Howard!
What?
That way! Stay low!
Beverly, I'm coming
to get you, sweetheart!
[EXCLAIMING]
Help me! Help!
Somebody help me!
Please help me!
MAN: Please watch
your step.
I think you're all gonna
find this very interesting.
You know, honestly, Congressmen,
this Three Mile Island, China
syndrome meltdown stuff,
that's all history.
The only meltdowns around here
are the cheese sandwiches
in the toaster oven.
[SNARLS]
Wow!
These Washington guys take a
real b*ating on these junkets.
Our nuclear reactor,
pumping out 1 million
kilowatts of power.
One million kilowatts.
Power.
Yes, sir.
Listen, I think we could
all use a cup of coffee.
Help! Somebody
help me, please!
Help!
[SNARLING]
[ALARM BLARING]
Let's go, let's go.
Come on, come on, come on!
[MEN CLAMORING]
[SCREAMS]
I feel much better.
[WHIMPERING]
No, no, not that!
Right pedal! Right pedal!
[SCREAMS]
Damn it!
That was too close!
I'm just learning, here.
Howard, in prehistoric times,
you flew.
Fly, Howard!
Find your instincts.
Trust your birdness! Fly!
HOWARD: Yikes!
Howard, pull up!
Pull up!
[HOWARD EXCLAIMING]
Touchdown!
Great landing, Howard, but this
isn't gonna get us to the lab.
You said to follow my instincts.
This is my nesting instinct.
[HORN HONKING]
Oh, no!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
I'm flying blind here!
Shut up! You're not
flying at all!
Let her rip!
Bombs away!
Pull it up, Howard! We're
running out of land!
Oh! One step ahead!
PHIL: Watch out!
[BLOWING DUCK CALLS]
[ALL SHOUTING]
Death from the skies
to all duck hunters!
Tora! Tora! Tora!
Vengeance is mine! Yeah!
Howard!
Banzai!
[DUCK QUACKING]
Slow down!
Slow down there!
Hey, you!
Pull over here!
This is a smog
device inspection.
And I need...
Shut off the engine!
It is off!
Somebody's pushing.
[ENGINE REVVING]
Whiplash! Whiplash!
I'm gonna call my lawyer!
Shut it down!
Shut it down!
What the hell's wrong with you?
No...
[SNARLS]
I want to see
your license, Jack.
I have no license.
I am not Jack.
[SCREAMING]
MAN: Come on, come on!
Get out of here!
Smog inspection.
[WHIMPERS]
[LAUGHS]
What happened?
We gotta get out of here!
Damage report, Philsie.
Fuel hose is busted!
Rudder is wasted!
Basically, we're
dying here, Howard.
I'm bailing out.
No, you're not! You're
gonna get up there
and fix this lawn mower now!
Philsie, how's it going?
Getting close!
I'm on top of it!
Good.
[GASPS]
Relax, Howard.
I've almost got it.
[ENGINE BUZZES]
[SCREAMS]
Uh-oh.
[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]
Philsie, I did
a loop-the-loop!
I'm getting good at this!
I'm...
Hello?
Howard!
Huh?
Up, Howard!
Up!
Aw, jeez!
I thought I lost you.
Philsie, this is no time
for water sports.
[LAUGHING] I'm just kidding,
big guy.
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]
You scum, let me go!
[PHIL SCREAMING]
Philsie, get back up here!
I'm trying!
No! No! Don't sh**t!
I'm an innocent hostage!
The duck's a lunatic!
What?
He's a duck t*rror1st!
He h*jacked the plane!
Whoa!
[HORN HONKS]
Ahh!
Howard, pull it up!
Welcome back, Philsie!
Thanks! It's great
to be back, Howard!
Would you watch
the road, damn it?
[LAUGHS] Hey, another car.
No big deal.
Yes! Big deal! Big, big, big, big, big...
Choo-choo! Big deal!
No wings.
Welcome to the club!
Coming through!
That was a lot of fun.
I'd like to get off now.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
Slow down.
[HUMMING]
Slow down!
Relax. I'll just throttle
this baby back.
Yikes!
Philsie, I'd better tell you now.
What?
I can't swim!
PHIL: Oh, great!
Philsie, help!
[COUGHS]
Philsie, help me!
I never heard of a duck
that couldn't swim.
Shut up and save me!
PHIL: We've been
through hell!
Now, if there is some kind of monster
in here... Howard, this is crazy!
Phil, no duck is an island.
And if fate sent me
here to save Earth,
then Howard the duck
is ready to fight.
Damn.
[BEVERLY STRUGGLING]
PHIL: Yikes.
He's starting the spectroscope.
Jeez. He's gonna bring down
another Dark Overlord.
We gotta get Beverly
out of there.
Hey, take it easy, Conan.
What are you gonna
fight him with?
We gotta find some kind of...
Wait. Carter showed me something
here once that might do it,
if we can find it.
You'll never get away with this.
[SNARLS]
We'll find it!
Come on, Philsie.
You don't scare me!
Oh!
Wait. Defense research!
This is it! This is it!
This is locked!
[ALARM BLARES]
Okay, I know where it is.
It's on the right
or the left or the...
Ah! There it is.
The neutron disintegrator.
Hmm...
And a big lock.
Rats.
Okay. All right.
Turn me into a Dark Overlord.
I'll still spit
in your wormy face.
[CHUCKLES]
[BEEPING]
COMPUTER VOICE:
Welcome to Dynatechnics.
Authorized personnel only.
Please insert code key.
Authorized personnel only.
Thank you.
Hello, Dr. Jenning.
Please select your target
and enter target coordinates.
Thank you.
Laser spectroscope is now
targeting the Nexus of Sominus.
Targeting is in process.
[CACKLING]
[GRUNTING]
Come on, Philsie.
Hit it harder!
Way to go! Yeah!
Hurry up.
The neutron disintegrator
was developed for the army
until cost over-runs
became really embarrassing.
Can it stop Jenning?
Theoretically, yes.
Unfortunately,
it's never been tested.
COMPUTER VOICE:
Attention all personnel,
please clear
the upper bay stations
while laser doors are opening.
Please initiate
spectroscope extension.
[BEEPING]
Target is now locked.
Target is now locked.
Is this, like,
stick shift or a*t*matic?
Howard, you have to get into f*ring
range without him seeing you.
Right. I'll sneak up on him,
and then I'll blast him.
COMPUTER VOICE: Do you wish to
bring the laser to full power?
Dr. Jenning, I repeat, do you wish
to bring the laser to full power?
Thank you.
What's this do?
No! That's...
Howard!
You're in big trouble now!
Yeah, shut up!
Uh...
[BOTH SCREAMING]
BEVERLY: Run, Howard!
He's in a bad mood!
[JENNING GROWLS LOUDLY]
Come on! Move!
Let's crank her up!
Hurry!
Where's that button?
It won't start!
Oh, my God. Ahh!
Watch out!
Jump, Howard!
This is our only chance!
Get out of there! Duck!
And proud of it!
[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]
[SNARLING]
Philsie?
You saved my life!
Are you all right?
Terrific, Howard.
It still won't start.
Try the seatbelt, Howard.
Seatbelt?
Whoa! Whoa!
[SHOUTS FOREIGN w*r CRY]
You little pond-hopper.
[SHRIEKING]
Go, Howard! Go!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh! Talk about bad breath!
Turbo charge!
[LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY]
[SIGHS]
[SCOFFING]
Whoa!
Now it's my turn.
[MACHINE POWERS UP]
[CHUCKLES]
Dark Overlord, I want you!
Prepare to eat beak.
[WHIMPERS]
[GROWLS]
So long, sucker!
Howard!
No!
[MOANS]
Howard?
[WHIMPERS]
Howard?
HOWARD: [GROANING]
Oh, boy. Oh...
Howard.
Howard!
You all right?
I need this like
I need another tail.
You did it!
Hey, get me down from here!
Come on!
[JENNING MOANING]
Oh!
Dr. Jenning?
Howard, it's not...
It's not what?
The evil's not
inside me anymore.
The expl*si*n must've
released it, and it's loose!
What about me?
The Dark Overlord is still here!
Well, then I suggest we get Beverly
and get the hell out of here!
HOWARD: Philsie,
get her down from there!
What took you so long?
Oh, nothing. Just got arrested,
sh*t at, handcuffed.
I got thrown out... I was kidnapped,
strapped to this table...
[GROWLING]
Guys! Guys!
...in a cigarette lighter!
Cigarette lighter?
That's really disgusting!
Guys!
BOTH: What?
[WHIMPERING]
[SNARLING]
[SCREAMS]
Oh, my God.
[ROARING]
Phil! Phil! Get up! Get up!
It's coming!
It's coming?
I was just resting.
Look!
There will be no escape!
[LOUD SHRIEK]
Good boy.
Stay back! Stay back!
Oh, boy! Oh!
[YELLING]
Howard!
There goes Howard!
We've got to help Howard!
Phil! Go!
We've gotta help Howard!
Howard!
Going somewhere, Howard?
There's no escape!
Philsie! Dr. Jenning! Mother!
COMPUTER VOICE:
Do you wish to activate laser?
Yes!
Thank you, Dr. Jenning.
He started
the activation sequence!
BEVERLY: He's gonna
bring down more of them!
You may fire when ready.
Four minutes to arrival.
[SHRIEKING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
[GROANING] Philsie! Beverly!
Anybody! Help!
COMPUTER VOICE: Three minutes,
Howard! Here!
All right...
Sliced salami!
HOWARD: Yuck!
[MOANS LOUDLY]
[LAUGHING] Lose something?
COMPUTER VOICE: Alien specimens
will arrive in laboratory
in three minutes.
Howard!
All right!
[HOWARD LAUGHING]
Eat claw, duck!
COMPUTER VOICE:
Two minutes to arrival.
Belt. Button. Trigger.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
One minute,
Puny little duck!
Yeah!
[IMITATES TARZAN]
One minute to arrival.
Howard!
[DISTANT GROWLING]
There's more coming down.
[GROANS]
The machine, Howard! You
gotta destroy it! Blast it!
Get them!
No, Howard. Don't!
Huh?
You'll never get home.
COMPUTER VOICE:
30 seconds to arrival.
Get them!
Goodbye, Duckworld.
Get out of there! Run!
COMPUTER VOICE: Ten seconds
and counting to arrival.
Over here!
...nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.
Arrival.
[SCREAMS]
PHIL: Howard!
BEVERLY: Oh, no.
I don't know where you are now,
but I hope you're happier there.
This world didn't
treat you very good.
But you saved it, didn't you?
[MOANING]
Howard!
[SINISTER VOICE]
I am not Howard anymore.
[BOTH GASPING]
[RASPY GROAN]
[SCREAMS]
[COUGHING]
Jeez! All this smoke.
m*rder on the sinuses.
[COUGHING]
Fooled you, didn't I?
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Howard.
It's all right, toots.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, all right!
I'd like to dedicate this song
to our new manager!
Uh-huh!
Go!
[SINGING] Get that planet
on the phone
Ain't no time to waste
Tell 'em he ain't coming home
Done joined the human race
They call him Howard the duck
No way to conceal it
With a feathered touch
I love him apart
They call him Howard the duck
If it ain't funk
he don't feel it
And he sh*t an arrow
straight to my heart
All right, ready mechanical. We're
gonna release the big huevo.
Cue egg, ready!
Cue egg, go!
Saved the human race
They call him Howard the duck
Howard! Howard! Help me out!
Yeah.
Release that rope there.
Gotcha.
Not that one!
Whoa! Philsie, what's going on?
Get me down from here!
I've done enough flying,
Philsie!
Stole my heart
Philsie!
Do you realize I could have
been k*lled up there?
What's this?
Rock 'n' roll!
Give me four!
[LAUGHS]
Yeah!
Beak me, baby!
Quack! Is that
hot enough for you?
Howard the duck
If it ain't funk
he don't feel it
HOWARD: Bring it on home!
He's Howard the duck
Ain't no way to conceal it
Bit of Purple Haze for you all!
Yeah!
Do it!
He's called Howard the duck
If it isn't funk
he don't feel it
Right! Yeah!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
Howard the duck
That's me!
Ain't no way to conceal it
He sh*t an arrow
straight to my heart
HOWARD: Thank you! Thank you!
CROWD: Howard! Howard! Howard!
We love you!
Thank you!
We love you!
[GIGGLES]
Not bad for a duck
from outer space.
You were great, Ducky.
Howard the Duck (1986)
Moderator: Maskath3