01x02 - Radio k*lled the Video Star

[bunniefuu]

[title music]

[Charlie] Okay. So the extermination
is coming in six months instead of a year.

No big deal.
Just a little setback.

Nothing we can't handle.

Just angels cutting
our timetable in half.

But who needs a whole year
to save souls?

[manically] Am I right?
And next time,

when they cut the
time in half again and again,

we'll just handle it, right?!

[Vaggie] Yes, we will.

[Angel] Oh, please, ya had less
than half a chance when you started

all this salvation bullshit.

And now... Ain't no silver
lining this time toots.

Sure there is. We just have to
look a little harder for it.

Well, while you're lookin,
the rest of Hell is going nuts.

People are already freaking out
about the news.

Look at what's happening in the
Doomsday District.

Err, what is
a "donkey show"?

Aah, heh, nothing. My boss, Val,
is just freaked out about the news, too.

Like I said,
everyone's losing their sh*t.

Yeah, that's true.
Sinners are desperate.

Maybe desperate enough to try
anything to escape the extermination?

[gasps] This is the perfect time
to recruit more sinners for the hotel!

Cute idea and all,
but you really going to go out in all of this?

Well, it's not like people are
just going to show up on our doorstep.

- [expl*si*n]
- [screams]

[Sir Pentious dramatically]
Show yourself, Alastor!

[epic music]
Come and face...

Oh, there you are...

[shouts]
Face my wrath!

Who are you?

Who am I?
Who am I?

I am the great Sir Pentious! Inventor,
architect of destruction,

villain extraordinaire!

Woo! You tell 'em, boss.

[Niffty gasps]
Ooh, he's a bad boy.

Huh, well if all that's true,
you'd think I'd have heard of you.

I att*cked
you literally last week.

We've done battle, like... 20
times.

Well, you must have been
really bad at this.

Silence! Now cower!

[hisses] For when I've
slain you, the almighty Vees

will finally acknowledge me
as their equal!

[Niffty]
Ooh! Wait, who are the Vees?

Oh, nobody important.

[TV announcer] New VoxTek
designer voyeur scopes.

Peeping on the neighbors
has never been more stylish.

VoxTek.
Trust us with your money.

This week's episode of "Yeah
I f*cked Your Sister So What?"

is brought to you by VoxTek.

Trust us with
your entertainment.

VoxTek.
Trust us.

Trust us. Trust us.
Trust us. Trust us. Trust us...

[maniacal laughing]
Now that's good television...

- [static interference]
- [horn hoots]

[electronic dance music]

Hello there, Velvette. How
are you this hellish morning?

Oh, cut the sh*t, Vox.
I need you up here now!

Whatever could be
the problem my dear?

Your little boy toy is wrecking
my department

while I ' m trying to pull
together a show and...

[Valentino] f*cking bitch!

Just get your ass here. Now!

Dammit Valentino!
[static]

[sighs] Oh god,
here I go. Valentino.

Just another fuckin day
with Val.

Hey, hey, hey.
f*ck my life.

[lift crackles]

[clamoring]
[reporters] Mr Vox! Mr Vox!

[reporter] Mr. Vox, question
for you over here. Mr Vox

Mr. Vox. What are your thoughts
on the new extermination deadline?

My dear people, we at VoxTek
Enterprises have always been

at the forefront of innovation.

And now with this new
oncoming thr*at, we are shifting our focus

to your protection.

We are pleased to announce
VoxTek Angelic Security is coming soon.

Trust us with your safety.
[chuckles]

Sir? Uh, when did we begin
working on Angelic Security?

[Vox] 30 seconds ago. Try to
get that bitch Carmilla on the books

and cancel all my
appointments today.

I have a fire
to put out upstairs.

[static sparks]

[light electronic dance music]

[Velvette] Ugh. No.
Unacceptable. You're fired.

What is this? Wrist ruffles?
Is it 1750?

Burn it like the witches
who wore it.

[Vox] Oh, Velvet.
I can see you're busy.

Tell me where's our hot
headed friend now?

Up in his tower, waiting for
a flat-faced prince to calm him down.

[sighs] And uh, what's got him
so out of sorts today?

Who knows?
But he tore up my best model.

And you know, the show can't
wait for that unlucky bitch

to pull herself back together.

Melissa, get over here.

No. No. Hideous.

I want to die. Eww.
Oh, yes. That's the one.

Well, looks like you have
everything under control here.

Of course I do.
f*ck you. Now shoo!

Take care of the piss baby.

[gentle music]

[door closes]

[ominous music]

[Valentino] f*ckin' finally,

[glass smashes]
Kitty, another drink.

Can you believe what
that piece of sh*t did?

The ungrateful whore!
[glass smashes]

Um which whore are
we talking about this time?

f*cking Angel Dust.

Who the hell else
would I be talking about?

That f*cking slut
walked out on me. Me.

I f*cking made him.

Without me, he's just a bag of
meat

with some mildly
entertaining holes.

- Angel quit?
- No, he didn't f*cking quit.

It's worse. He moved!

He thinks he can just walk in here,
work, and then go home somewhere else.

Can you f*cking believe that?!

He thinks he can run off

and shack up with Lucifer's
bimbo daughter?

Angel is living with
Lucifer's daughter now?

Yeah, that bitch. Chalkie,
or Chandler, or...

I don't know.
Something mannish like that.

She's got this hotel and...

And which of these makes me
look sexier?

[Vox chuckles]
What are you doing, Val?

You're not going over there.

That slippery twink is
going to remember who owns him.

I'm going to f*ck everyone in
that rancid sh*thole, I swear to God.

[shouts] Val!
[chuckles] Think about it.

Our brand is perfection.

And what do you think
chasing whores around town

will do for our image?

Uh... f*ck it up?

Right!
[cheering]

Do you want people thinking you
can't control your employees?

- No.
- Exactly.

And, hey, you still have him
under contract.

He isn't going anywhere.
So you should...?

[Valentino] Do nothing?

Great idea. Now, that's
why they pay you the big bucks.

[sighs] But I really wanted
to sh**t someone.

Well, let me call up the lowest
earners this month.

Oh, you know me too well.
[chuckles darkly]

You know, Angel isn't the only
one spending time at this ratty hotel

with the devil's princessa.

[Vox] Oh, who else is there?
Someone who owes you money?

[chuckles] Someone who owes
us much more than money.

The Radio Demon is there.

[tense music]

[chuckles]
What did you just say?

You heard me.

Alastor came back and he is with
Lucifer's daughter,

[angrily] and that wasn't
the first f*cking thing you told me?!

[Valentino] Hey, k*lling Alastor
is your kink.

[Sir Pentious] Arrgh,
Oh! Please! Stop! [Alastor laughs]

[Charlie] Um, Alastor?
I think he's had enough.

[Angel] Nah, he's got a few more
hits in im!

[dramatic music]
[Sir Pentious] Aahhh!

[Alastor] Thanks for
another forgettable experience.

[Sit Pentious] Thank... you...
for letting your guard down!

Haha! Yah! Oh, sh*t.

[Sir Pentious screams]
Argh!

Well, it looks as though
I need a visit to the tailor.

Best of luck, chums.

Wait. You're leaving?

Alastor, we need your help.
We need you to do your job.

We need a wall.

Of course.

Can't let my new project fall
into disrepair already.

What would the papers say?

[Angel giggles]

Hey, sweet cheeks.
[laid back jazz]

What you doing later?

I love me a man with a giant...
tool.

[Valentino] See? Look,
at how he flirts with that guy,

and he's not even paying.

Who is that? I'm gonna f*cking
k*ll his whole f*cking family.

Vox? Vox?

[static buzzes]
[ominous music]

[dramatic music]
That fucker is back!

Yeah, I thought he was gone
for good too.

It's been seven years!

You still pissed
he almost b*at you that time?

- Uh, f*ck you.
- Just saying.

Things have changed a lot
since he left town.

[Valentino] That's for sure.

I got to send a message

of who's
really in charge of things now.

[chuckles]

[dramatic music]
♪ Welcome home ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you wish ♪

♪ That you'd stayed gone. ♪

♪ Say hello ♪

♪ To a new status quo ♪

♪ Everyone knows that there's
a brand new dawn ♪

♪ Turn the TV on ♪

[director]
Camera, speeds. Rolling in 3,2.

[upbeat music]
♪ Welcome to the show ♪

[Vox in newscaster voice] ♪ Top of the hour
and we're discussing a certain has-been ♪

♪ who has been spotted cavorting
around town after a seven year absence. ♪

♪ Did anybody miss him? Did
anybody notice? More on tonight's program. ♪

♪ So the Radio Demon is back in
town. ♪

♪ Why is he hanging around?
What does that mean for your family? ♪

♪ Well handily, I've got
good news. He's a loser, a fossil ♪

♪ And I don't mean to sound
hostile but the demon is a coward ♪

♪ You can take that as gospel.
Pulling my viewers? Impossible ♪

♪ Im visual,
he's barely audible ♪

♪ Stop giving
him the time of day ♪

♪ Don't listen to a word he'd
say

♪ Hope he had a nice vacay ♪

♪ But he should have stayed away
♪

♪ While he hid in radio ♪

♪ We pivoted to video ♪

♪ And now his medium ♪

♪ is getting bloody rare ♪

♪ Hell's been
better since he split ♪

♪ Where's he been? Who gives a
sh*t? ♪

[Alastor]
♪ Salutations ♪

♪ Good to be back on the air ♪

♪ Yes I know It's been a while
since someone with style ♪

♪ Treated hell to a broadcast
Sinners rejoice ♪

[Vox] What a dated voice!

- Instead of a clout chasing video podcast
- Come on!

♪ Is Vox insecure pursuing
allure? ♪

♪ Flitting between this fad
and that ♪

- ♪ Is nothing working? ♪
- ♪ Ignore his chirping ♪

♪ Every day he's
got a new format ♪

[Vox]
♪ You're looking at the future ♪

♪ He's the sh*t
that comes before that ♪

[Alastor] ♪ Is Vox as
strong as he purports ♪

♪ Or is
it based on his support? ♪

♪ He'd be powerless
without the other Vees ♪

[Vox] Oh please.

♪ And here's the sugar ♪

♪ on the cream ♪

- ♪ He asked me to join his team ♪
- [Vox] Hold on!

♪ I said no and now he's pissy,
that's the tea ♪

[glitches]
♪ You old timey prick ♪

♪ I'll show you suffering ♪

[Alastor]
♪ Uh oh, the TV is buffering ♪

[signal breaks up] ♪ I'll
d estroy yoo-o-u-u you little... ♪

[Alastor] I'm afraid
you've lost your signal.

[dramatic music]

[Alastor]
♪ Lets begin ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you wish
that I'd stayed gone ♪

♪ Tune on in ♪

♪ When I'm done ♪

♪ Your status quo
Will know its race is run ♪

♪ Oh this will be fun ♪

[Alastor laughing]

f*ck!

[light music]
We have a problem.

Alastor is getting close
to Little Princess Morning Star.

So our main concern now is
ensuring that no deal is ever struck

between Lucifer's brat
and that smiling freak.

Well, how exactly
are we supposed to stop it?

Put something inside them.

That's how I get the b*tches
to behave.

Well maybe someone on the inside
isn't such a bad idea.

Do you think Angel would?

That lanky prick
won't even return my calls.

We need someone who Little Miss
Bleeding Heart would take in.

Someone pathetic, desperate,
with no direct ties to us.

I employ every down on their
luck loser this side of hell.

Who the f*ck is left?

[Vox scoffs]

[dramatic music]
I think I have just the one.

[Charlie exhausted] Hmmph!

[Angel] So how'd it go?

[sighs]
Not a single new recruit.

Yeah. Well, who would want
to use their last days

[banging on door]
not f*cking and fighting?

Why, hello, my dear...

[thud]

[Sir Pentious]
Wait wait wait!

I come in peace.

What are you doing here?

Vaggie what's the problem?
[gasps]

Oh, hello again.

I didn't come
looking for a fight. I uhh...

I heard that you're
helping people.

People who want to be better?

[gasps]
You heard right.

Welcome to our home of healing.
Our resort of restoration. Our...

Are you f*cking nuts?

This chump was trying to k*ll
us, like,

literally 6 hours ago.

And now you want to bring him
in here to live with us?

Absolutely!

This place is about
second chances.

And who deserves one more than
this...

slithery... slippery...
special little man.

Aren't you're supposed
to protect this place?

[puppy dog noises]
[ Vaggie sighs]

I... guess he's not much of a
thr*at without the w*r machine

or even with the w*r
machine.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you!

Sir Pentious!
Welcome to the Hazbin hotel!

Oh, no darling, thank you.
You won't regret this.

Eh, I give you a week tops.

[light music] So... this
is the bar and the bartender.

This is the curtain,

and this is the new wall after
you broke the last one, heh,

and, oh, this, this is...

Babe, you don't have to show him
every detail.

Sorry, I'm just so excited to
have our first real guest!

Uh, what the hell am I then?

Well, you're an important part
of our family here, Angel.

But you, um, uh...

[Vaggie] Constantly make us look
bad, sexually harass the staff,

and have literally
never once tried to improve?

What she means is, it's just nice
to have someone interested for once.

[light music]

Over here we have our maid
Niffty.

[gasps]
The bad boy is back.

[creepy whisper]
Never leave me again.

We're about eighty percent
sure she's harmless.

And over here we have...

Oh, uh, Alastor, our gracious
Facility Manager!

You've met our newest guest,
Sir Pentious... Heh heh.

Ah, yes. You're
the one who ruined my coat.

[sinisterly]
I definitely remember you now.

[gulp]

Well, I guess this is a great
time for your first lesson:

[clears throat]

"How to apologize".

The first step to becoming a better
person is to admit when you are wrong,

Why don't you give it a try?

Yes, um... Mr, um, Radio Demon,
sir, please forgive me for attacking you

and ruining your very
lovely coat... Um, here...

Oh-ho, not many people have
been able to take even this much off me.

It must have
meant quite a lot to you.

[ignites]

[cat purrs]

Now! With a new resident,

I think it's important
we all get to know each other,

so we are going to play
a little game.

Everyone, follow me.

My name is Charlie.
[claps]

I like to sing.
[claps]

And when we get to know
each other, it's the greatest thing.

[claps]

My name's Sir Pentious.
[claps]

I like to build.
[claps]

And despite my stupid Egg Bois,

I think I'm very skilled.
[claps]

This is stupid.

♪ This is not stupid it's
just the game ♪

♪ Sir Pentious did it well so
now please try to do the same ♪

I am too sober for this.

Well, get used to it and
learn how to play.

♪ This is going to be
your whole day ♪ [claps]

[laidback jazz music]

[Angel] "Oh I'm a bad man on the streets

who never got enough hugs."

"Now, where's an innocent kid I
can sell cr*ck to?"

[Angel]
Wow. Who wrote this?

It's great, right?
Keep going.

- "Hey you."
- Who, me?

"Yeah, you look like a kid
who could use some devil's dandruff."

[Angel]
Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Not me. I have
to go home and study.

"Come on kid,
it'll make you cool like me...

The cr*ck head!"

The only cool thing here
is to say no to dr*gs.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to not have sexual
intercourse before marriage!

[fanfare sounds]
Yes! Oh, bravo, bravo!

Wow, Pentious,

at this rate you'll be redeemed
in no time.

[melancholy music]

[Angel]
I... I'm going to bed.

[Charlie] I am so
proud of you, Sir Pentious.

- That was amazing.
- Thank you.

- That was beautiful work today!
- [Sir Pentious] Thank you.

You like me. You really like me!

[grunts]

[sighs]

[voicemail beeps]
[Valentino] Angel, Baby, come home.

It's not the same without
you here. I miss you, come back

[shouting] Angel
you bitch, If you don't come home,

You will be f*cking greasy
truckers for the next year...

[Valentino] Hey,
amorcito, I didn't mean to yell,

but you know how
crazy you make me f...

[shouting]
You f*ckin' slut!

[Valentino being friendly]
Hey, Angie, about earlier...

[shouting]
k*ll your whole f*cking fam...

Work ' s really stressful...

[shouting] Little
cocksucking piece of sh*t...

[ominous music] You actually
think you can change?

- Addict trash like you doesn't change.
- [sigh]

[Valentino] I'll
see you soon, baby.

Sorry. Not now, Fat Nuggets.
[oinks]

[bottles clink]
[cork squeaks open]

[gulps]

Aah!

Huh?

[suspenseful music]

[door creaks]

[Angel]
You slippery little sh*t!

[screams]

You're working for the Vees?

I f*cking knew there was
something shitty about you.

[Sir Pentious] I don't
know what you're talking about...

whorebug!

[growls]

[frantic music]
[scuffles]

[Sir Pentious] Get
your aggressively average body,

off of me!

[Angel] f*ck!

[hisses]

[growls ]

[yawn]
[Charlie] What's going on?

[Angel]
This little bitch is a traitor!

Preposterous, I would never
betray you. You... are my best friends!

[Angel] Uh-uh,
Then explain this.

[suspenseful music]

Ah! Ah! Abort! Abort!

S.O.S. Agent Pentious in
need of immediate evacuation!!

[Vox] Pentious? Wait...
You were caught?!

[laughing] It hasn't even been
a day!

Please, you've got
to get me out of here!

[Vox] I can't believe we thought
you could handle even something this simple.

Do us a favor, if they don't
k*ll you,

go ahead and do it yourself,
you miserable failure.

I... I...

[sombre music]

Just make it quick, I guess.

Not that I deserve it.

Gladly.

Wait... Pentious?

[light ballad music]

♪ It starts with sorry ♪

♪ That's your foot
In the door ♪

♪ One simple sorry ♪

♪ Spoken
straight from your core ♪

♪ The path to forgiveness ♪

♪ Is a twisting
trail of hearts ♪

♪ But sorry is where it starts ♪

[music builds]

♪ Who could
forgive a dirtbag like me ♪

♪ I don't deserve
your amnesty ♪

[Angel and Vaggie]
♪ Can ' t we just k*ll him ♪

♪ sh**t him and
spill his blood ♪

[Charlie] ♪ That's an option you could choose ♪

[Angel and Vaggie]
♪ Works for us ♪

♪ But who hasn't
Been in his shoes ♪

♪ It starts with sorry ♪

♪ Sorry ♪

♪ Dig down deeper and say ♪

♪ One sincere sorry ♪

[Sir Pentious]
♪ I'm so sorry ♪

[Charlie]
♪ And your journey's underway ♪

[Charlie and Sir Pentious]
♪ It'll take time to cover ♪

♪ Your vast multitude of sins ♪
♪ My vast multitude of sins ♪

♪ But sorry is where it begins ♪

♪ It starts with sorry ♪

[Niffty]
I hated that song!

Why are you so lame?
Not a bad boy.

[happy sigh] Good first day.
Let's get some rest.

[suspenseful music]

[electronic static]
[Vox] What?!

You'll have to try harder than
that next time, ol' pal.

[Vox rages]
Aaaarrggghhhhh!!

[Alastor laughs]

[end credit music]