01x03 - Scrambled Eggs

[bunniefuu]

[Title music]

[light music]
[purring]

[banging]
[Charlie] That looks perfect!

Aagh! I am so excited that Sir Pentious is staying at the hotel.

Um... Pentious was just trying to take over the city with his weird steampunk bullshit a few days ago.

Well, I haven't seen him try to pull any of that here.

[squeaking]

What the hell is that?

Oh, hello, purple female.

It's my new invention, the "Skin Flayer 11,000".

I'm really looking forward to sh**ting the other residents.

What? Why?

Everyone is being too nice.

Obviously, it must be a lie.

I can sense they are planning to k*ll me, but when?

How?
I must be prepared!

Ooh, the new parts of my machine are here.

[Odette] Sign, please.

Thank you for your business.
Enjoy your Carmine purchase.

Carmine? As in Carmella Carmine.

You are buying parts from an overlord?

Err, of course. She's the top weapons dealer in Hell.

Okay, well, that stops right now.

- [Sir Pentious] Hey.
- [Vaggie] You absolutely cannot build weapons in this hotel.

No one is trying to k*ll you.

People are being nice because they want you to feel welcome.

[lazy jazz music]

[heinous laugh]

- [Penitous] Hmm. I have my doubts.
- [Vaggie] Well, it's true.

- [Vaggie] You have to trust us.
- [Sir Pentious] But I don't.

Well, why don't we focus on that for today's activities?

Not before we lay some ground rules.

No more building weapons, no more plotting against other guests.

And you need to get rid of these things.

[laser blasts]

Ugh! What did I just say?
What did I just say?

What? Not my little egg boys.
They do my evil bidding for me.

Do you want to stay here and redeem yourself?

- Yes.
- Then no more eggs.

All right, eggies. You've got to go.

I...
[sobs]

- Can't keep you anymore.
- Okay, boss.

No, don't resist.
This is how it has to be.

- [melancholy music]
- [sobs]

[anguished cries]

[upbeat jazz plays]

[Alastor hums]

[Vaggie] Alastor!

Do you mind? I'm in the middle of breakfast.

[Vaggie] Pentious's eggs are all over the place, and I need you to get rid of them.

Oh, well, in that case, I'd be delighted to!

Humanely!

Hm. Well, that's a lot less fun, but I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today.

Great.
That looks disgusting.

Hi, guys. Thanks for coming.

It's been brought to our attention that there may be a little... tension in the hotel.

[Vaggie] Tension that can be counterproductive to what we're trying to do here.

We think that this group could really benefit from...

- Trust exercises!
- Trust exercises!

[glass breaks]
[Vaggie] Ah sh*t!

Vaggie, we rehearsed this.

[sighs]
We're doing trust exercises.

[Husk] So, what's with the whole, uhhh..This?

I'm not about to put on some show for these f*cking chumps.

[Angel] Oh, I will, but it's cash up front, and I know that one, can't afford me.

Gross! I'd never think of it spider!

[Vaggie] Right. Well, let's get started. Charlie?

Actually, I thought maybe you could take the lead on this one.

I trust everyone, so maybe you know better about how to build it properly.

What? Uhh, I don't know if I'm qualified, uh...

Oh, come on. It'll be easy.
I'm sure you can handle this.

Yeah, Um... Sure, I can handle this. No problem.

[sniffs]

[drill sergeant style]
All right, so we are starting with trust falls.

Each of you are going to share something vulnerable with the group about yourself and then fall backwards, while the rest of the group catches you.

Got it?
Who wants to go first?

Oooohh, ooohh, me me me! Me!
Me! Me!

All right.
Get on up here.

[Charlie] I love you guys.

[romantic music]
Like really, really love you.

- [Charlie] Whoa!
- [Vaggie]Gotcha.

[Charlie] That felt good!

- Angel, why don't you go next?
- Fine.

[Vaggie] This time everyone needs to catch him.

Okay?
Unless you want me to hurt you.

Somethin' about myself, huh?
How about this?

I love to suck...

[Husk] I swear to f*ck if you say dicks.

Popsicles, ya sicko!

Get your mind out of the gutter.
[strains]

But you know, d*ck's too!

[thud]

All right, new guy, you're up.

[melodramatic music]
I... don't want to live without my minions.

Nobody catch me.
[clatter]

- Damn it.
- That's great.

Wow, you are slimy.

Okay. Good job.
Err, Niffty.

- [chaotic music]
- [frantic giggles]

Sometimes I k*ll motherbugs in front of their children as a warning to others.

[splats]

Yay! Pain.
[giggles]

- [frantic running]
- [Niffty pants]

[Niffty] Pain!

I don't know if this is really working the way we hoped.

Maybe we should...

Honey, you have to trust me here.

I got this, okay?
I'll figure something out.

If you're in the market for some ideas,

I got just a thing for some "trust" buildin'.

[Vaggie sighs]
What do you have in mind?

[sirens blare]

[Frank]
Oh, boy. What's the plan, boss?

I like your suit.

[Egg Boi #2]
What are the antlers for?

[Egg Boi #3]
Can I touch your staff thing?

[Egg Boi #4] Are those your ears? Or is it your hair? I can't tell.

- [sinister music]
- [Zestial] Hark, Alastor.

How fare thee this day?

[Frank]
Who's that, boss?

Want me to rough him up for you?

Follow in silence if you value your shell.

Greetings Zestial!

[Demon] Oh holy sh*t!

[Zestial] Ah, the weather doth become this fine day.

[Demon screams]

Indeed. Looks like we might have some acid rain this afternoon.

[screams]

[Zestial] If our luck doth hold!

I do revel in the screams.
How art thou?

It has been an age since thou hath graced us with thy presence.

[Demon] Oh, f*ck!

[Zestial] Some hath spun wild tales of you falling to...

holy arms.

[Alastor laughs]

Oh, I just took a well-earned sabbatical. Nothing serious.

Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes.

[chuckles]

There too hath been rumour of thy involvement with the princess and her recent flight of fancy.

Tell me, how does thou fall in such folly?

[Alastor]
That is for me to know.

But please do guess.

I'd love to know the theories.

[Zestial chuckles]

[Zestial] T'would be grander folly by far to assume the workings of your mind, Alastor.

Thou hath been naught but an enigma since thy manifested in this realm.

Coming from someone as ancient as you, I take that as quite the compliment.

[epic ominous music]

[Alastor] No, No. I have a very important task for you.

Stay here and guard the front until I return.

[Egg Bois mutter]

[lift whirrs]

[Egg Boi] Oh look. Frank is up there.

We have names?

- [lift dings]
- [laid back jazz plays]

[Frank] Oh!

- [scared murmuring]
- [Overlords laugh]

[jazz continues]

Oh!

[metallic clinking]

[Carmilla] Welcome, Hell sovereign overlords.

I've invited you all here because you represent the controlling powers of our city.

Together, you own millions of souls.

Souls at risk with the new extermination schedule.

We need to discuss what can be done to minimize the impact to our interest.
[rattles]

- Zestial, so good to see you, my friend.
- Enchanted as always Carmilla.

[Carmilla] Alastor?

Yes, I know I've been absent some time.

I'm sure you've all been wondering.

Not really.
But welcome back in any case.

This year's extermination was
brutal, far more even than years past.

We have assessed that about


With the angelic legions now
returning twice as quickly

I think it prudent we...

[door slams open]
Yes, I've got it handled, Vox.

Are you doubting me?

Really? Me?
That's what I thought.

[laughing]
Yes, I know. They're all a joke.

[laughs] Thank you, Vee.
See you soon.

[kisses]
Kisses, darling.

Nice of you to join us,
Velvette.

Will your... colleagues be
joining?

No. They have better sh*t to do
than to listen to an old windbag

Who thinks she's tough sh*t.
I'm here to represent.

[Carmilla] Charming.

So, as I was
saying, we need to discuss-

- Yes?
- On the subject of discussion...

- [Squelches]
- [Odette] Ooh sh*t.

- [Clara gasps]
- [Alastor] Oh, tasty!

Where did you get this?

[Velvette] We found it during
extermination day.

If these Holy Rollers can
be k*lled, the game has changed.

We can take the fight to them.

The boys and I have come
up with a full as*ault plan.

[slurping noises]

- [slurping continues]
- [cup clinks on saucer]

[Zestial] If it be true thee and
thy colleagues desire to w*r,

with such meagre proof.

Thou art far more
foolish than I be thought.

[scoffs] Meager proof? It's a
dead f*cking exorcist.

I'd say that's
pretty f*cking definitive.

You going blind, old man?

We know not how this perished.

mayhaps t'was not by a demon's
hand at all.

If we rush to w*r without
knowing mightn't they purge

all of Hell for
daring an uprising?

[muttering in agreement]

[Alastor] Oh,
that's possible I suppose.

Oh, I get it.

So Grandpa is
too p*ssy to fight,

so I guess
there's no point, right?

[epic music]

Oh. What's the matter, Fossil?

Too senile to make
a real power grab for...

[operatic singing]
♪ You better show some respect ♪

♪ Check your behaviour ♪

♪ No one speaks to
Zestial that way ♪

♪ Did you expect us ♪

♪ To sit back and take your ♪

♪ Insolent brazen display ♪

[raps]
♪ Ha-ha, you've got it twisted ♪

♪ I'm not the one who
Needs a new attitude ♪

♪ Maybe you missed it,
But I'm that hashtag bitch ♪

♪ And I will do nothin'
Less than what I please woo ♪

♪ I'm the backbone of the Vees ♪

♪ Mad that I acted respectless ♪

♪ Well it's cause
No one could respect this ♪

♪ Sorry group attending ♪

♪ Since when are Overlords
Too scared to fight ♪

♪ You're long past trending ♪

♪ Sorry babe but I ain't
Swipin' right ♪

♪ You've lost your relevance... ♪

[Zestial] ♪ We can't act
Without more intelligence ♪

♪ No wonder I'm so respectless ♪

♪ I could eat
You lot for breakfast ♪

♪ You and the Vees are inane and
Uninformed ♪

♪ Smug wannabes who don't heed
When you've been warned ♪

[Velvette]
♪ Oops, did I strike a nerve ♪

♪ Cause when I brought out the
angel's head ♪

♪ Couldn't help but observe ♪

♪ That your wrinkled face was
Turnin' red ♪

♪ And why are you avoiding w*r ♪

♪ That's what
The g*ns you sell are for ♪

♪ Thanks to my
Bein' respectless ♪

♪ One thing I'm
Startin' to suspect is ♪

♪ You know why
This angel's headless ♪

♪ Do you have a disclosure ♪

♪ This meeting's over ♪

[silence]

[Alastor]
That was a productive meeting.

Hmmph, fine.

Safe travels back to
the nursing home, f*ckers.

Kiss my ass.

[laughs]

[Zeezi] What the hell?
We literally just got here.

Mother?

[incidental music]

Hmm!

Well, that's interesting.

You little egg creature.
I have a job for you.

- Oh, yes, boss.
- Follow them.

[slapping noises]
Angel! What the actual f*ck?

No activity requires
more trust than BDSM, baby.

No bond stronger than
those formed through bondage.

That's their motto.

[slapping noise and screams]

Angel, love the enthusiasm.
But umm, uh... Hmmmm..

What makes you think
anyone would be into this?

[purrs]
Ya know, I... I don't hate this.

[chuckles]

[Niffty] I'm ready
to punish some bad boys.

[giggles]

Never mind, I-I'm out.

Okay, hello,
there. Hi. Um. Hm...

[slapping noise]
[low growl]

Ugh, I can't f*cking believe
I let you drag us here Angel.

[Vaggie]
This is disgusting.

[Angel]
It's no big deal, Vaggie.

You know,
maybe I can just help, uh...

No. I told you,
you could trust me.

And I'm not
going to let you down.

[gentle music]

I just need to teach them the
way I was taught.

[Demon] AHHH!

[Charlie shouting] This is
how you learned to trust people?

[Demons shout]
Bring it on Bitch, Yeehaw!

[Vaggie in drill sergeant style]
There is nothing stronger

than the trust
between comrades and arms.

Buckle up, butter cups, because
today you boys become men!

[expl*si*n]
You...

[Sir Pentious] Wait, wait! I
can't fight without my minions...

[Vaggie]...
Are going to survive together.

[Sir Pentious] Aaaahhh!
[Vaggie] And you...

[Angel] D-don't you even think
about it...

Are going to
make this hotel work!

[Angel screams]

[excitedly] My turn, my turn!

Vaggie! No!

This is the only way
they'll learn, Charlie.

No, it's not.
There are other ways.

- It just takes time.
- Time we don't have.

[Vaggie] How many
exterminations

will have gone by before these
idiots get their sh*t together?

How many times do we have
to watch your people be k*lled

before we make headway?

Vaggie...

I took charge today
and it all went sideways.

I'm supposed to make
your dreams a reality.

I'm supposed to protect you.

I'm supposed to never fail you.

[Angel] I blame you for this you
crazy bitch!

You didn't fail me,

[somber music]
Vaggie... You're not...

If I can't help you,
what's the point of me?

[gasps] Vaggie, don't say that!
You do so much! It's...

I'm sorry. I'd like
to be alone for a minute.

[somber music continues]

[fighting and screaming
continues]

[Angel breathes heavily]
[strains and groans]

[Angel] Made it.

Let's go home, guys.

Ugh! I just walked
up all those stairs.

- [strains]
- [morose music]

[Carmilla mutters in Spanish]

[Zestial] Carmilla,
what troubles thou?

Losing thy
composure is unlike thee.

[sighs] It's nothing, Zestial.
Really.

[Zestial] The felled angel...

'twas by thy hand, was it not?

- Let's not talk about it.
- [Clara] Mom...

Maybe he should know.

Nobody should know.

I did what I had to do.
I am not discussing this.

[sombre music]
[gentle singing]

♪ What weighs on
Your soul old friend? ♪

♪ I implore
You to share the load ♪

♪ If it was thou
Who slew the angel ♪

♪ Why not let
Your strength be known? ♪

[gentle ballad music]
♪ I always thought ♪

♪ That I would
Keep blood off my face ♪

♪ But when that thing att*cked
I had to act ♪

♪ To cross
That line and keep them safe ♪

[power ballad music]
♪ But if anyone knew ♪

♪ Then all of
Hell would rise to w*r ♪

♪ And who's to say
who'd survive the fray? ♪

♪ I might lose the ones ♪

♪ That I was k*lling for ♪

[power ballad builds]
♪ So I... ♪

♪ I'll be your keeper ♪

♪ Do whatever it takes
I'll make the mistakes ♪

♪ I'll keep you safe and
Keep this secret ♪

♪ When I saw your face ♪

♪ You made me feel like a
Stranger in a brand new place ♪

♪ And it felt so
Good to be understood ♪

♪ But there's so much I wished
that I could say ♪

♪ So, I... I'll be your armor ♪

♪ Do whatever it takes
I'll make the mistakes ♪

♪ I'll spend my
Life being your partner ♪

♪ And I don't know
What we might face ♪

♪ But I know
I can't replace you so ♪

♪ I'll do anything to save you ♪

♪ And I will try to make your
Dreams come true ♪

[singing together] ♪ Whatever
We go through, I know I... ♪

- ♪ I'll be your keeper ♪
- ♪ I'll be your armor ♪

[singing together]
♪ Whatever it takes ♪

- ♪ I'll make the mistakes ♪
- ♪ I'll make the mistakes ♪

[singing together]
♪ Whatever it takes ♪

[quirky music]
Ooohh. This smells like fun.

Ooh, I love garbage.
[lift dings]

[Alastor]
So, what did you hear?

[Frank] First the old guy w-was
all "you're not yourself,

you're the one that
k*lled the angel" a-a-and

then she was all

[sings]
♪ Whatever it takes ♪

- And then what was that last thing?
- She k*lled the angel?

Interesting.

Let's keep this between us,
shall we?

You got it, boss.

[melancholy music]

- [Vaggie] Hey.
- [Charlie] Hey.

[sighs]
I'm sorry I got so crazy today.

[Charlie] No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I put pressure on you.
We work as a team.

I guess I just thought
all this would be easier,

But we'll figure
it out... together.

I mean, look what
your exercise did for them.

[all laughing]

[Angel] And then when that buff
guy started b*ating the sh*t outta you.

Ha ha!
Yes, with the dismembered arm.

Yes, that was
particularly unpleasant.

[giggles]
I liked that part.

[Husk]
Well hey,

at least you can take
a b*ating like a champ.

You did okay, new kid.

[Sir Pentious] Really?
Oh, well,

I suppose I did get into a little
of the old rough and tumble today.

[laughs]

And thank you for
pulling me out of there.

[all laugh and giggle]

[Vaggie]
Well, how about that?

- [door slams]
- [Vaggie] Alastor...

Failed to get rid
of the eggs, I see.

Yes, well, the little monsters
prove to be rather useful.

[Vaggie] Why don't you give
them back to Pentious?

- Really?
- [Vaggie] Yeah.

After today, I guess I
can trust you with them.

But seriously, no more weapons.

[Pentious emotionally]
Ahhhh! My eggs! Yeah.

Oh it's so good
to have you back.

[shouts] Now go clean
my quarters this instant!

[Charlie] Maybe things will
move faster than you think.

[Sir Pentious] Ah! How was your
day with Alastor my minions?

It was awesome, boss.

I went to this meeting
and there was a Kn*fe lady,

an old guy and a dinosaur.

That's nice.

And the nice
lady k*lled an angel.

And I was not
supposed to talk about it...

Oh, I'm so sure and maybe
you'll meet martians tomorrow.

But now it's time for sleep.
Good night Eggies.

[Frank yawns]

[End credit music]