01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

- [horn honking]
- [crowd screaming]

[fans shouting excitedly]

[dramatic string music playing]

Dex! Dex!

[camera shutter clicks]

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, Dex.

Here he is. My favorite client.

[chuckles]

- [Dexter] Bit mad out there.
- [agent] Wait till tomorrow.

Everyone in the country's
gonna want a piece of you.

- [wolf whistle]
- [crowd shouts]

[agent] See?

Did you sleep? Ah. Course you didn't.

Hell of a drug, adrenaline.

But you know, Dex, if you had slept,
that would mean your body and your brain

hadn't grasped
what a f*ck-off opportunity this is.

- [Dexter] You're making me nervous.
- Good.

- Dexter.
- [Dexter] Hello, lovely.

- See you before the show.
- [both] Mwah. Mwah.

[crew member 1] How you feeling, man?

- Raring to go.
- [crew member 1 chuckles]

Coffee, fizzy water, sushi.
Just tell us whatever you need.

[crew member 2] Cocaine, call girls.

[group laughs]

[dramatic string music ends]

- [piano playing gentle tune]
- [off-key] ♪ Where is love? ♪

♪ Does it fall from skies above? ♪

♪ Is it underneath the willow tree... ♪

[Emma] Thanks, Martin.

[piano music stops]

Okay. Let's take a break.

[indistinct chatter]

- He's gonna get there.
- Any idea what time?

We open in, uh, three hours.
I'd say he's cutting it quite fine.

Sorry to interrupt, but, Ms. Morley,
there's someone on the phone for you.

You can take it in the office.

Oh. Um...

[grunts] Okay.

Hello?

[Dexter] Hello. I was wondering.
Could you please tell me where is love?

Dexter, you can't just ring me at school.
I thought something was wrong.

I came out of rehearsal.

Sorry. I was just calling
to say good luck.

Yeah. Yeah, good luck to you too.
And I'm sorry I can't be there.

Clash of showbiz moments.

I know, but I wish you were coming.
It's so exciting, Em.

It all feels massive.
People have sent me all this stuff.

You know, like champagne companies
and... and vodka companies.

- There's just stuff everywhere.
- You're squeaking.

Yeah. Well, if I can't squeak with you,
who can I squeak with?

Look, I've really got to go.

It's the dress rehearsal,
and the lead is just so irredeemably sh*t.

- No wonder they put him in an orphanage.
- Harsh.

- [knocking]
- But the girl...

The, uh... Oh. The band's
nearly finished sound checking.

[Emma continues talking]

Uh, sorry, Em. Gotta boost.

- Oh. Uh... Um...
- Have fun!

- [call disconnects]
- [dial tone buzzes]

[sighs]

Oh. Mr. Godalming.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, landlord.
Leaky boiler, but it's all sorted now.

[exhales]

Opening night.

Yeah. Well, I mean,
there's only one performance,

so technically also closing night,
which is a relief.

[chuckles awkwardly]

How you feeling?

[Emma] Yeah, you know.

Like, this whole thing was the worst idea
I've ever had in my entire life, but...

- Apart from that, hunky-dory. Thanks.
- [laughs]

How's our Oliver? He looks very emotional.

Yeah, he's been in character
for the last six weeks.

I think if he could,
he'd have given himself rickets.

[laughs] Well, if anyone
can pull this off, then you can.

- [sighs]
- The kids adore you.

You're a natural.

Fiona's keen to meet you.

Oh, you know,
I'm looking forward to meeting her too.

- Is your fiancé coming? Is he your fiancé?
- Oh God, no. Just boyfriend.

Right. It'll be nice to meet him
at the aftershow drinks.

Yeah. Yeah.
I've heard rumors of mini Kievs.

And a single bottle
of warm white wine between 60.

- Teaching.
- Oh, and people say it's not glamorous.

[chuckles] Unlike you.

I mean, you look glamorous... tonight.

Oh.

Do I? [chuckles]

Ta very much.

I mean, you look beautiful.

- Er...
- What?

Is that okay
that I just said you look nice?

Yes. Yes, of course. Why wouldn't it be?

Right.

[exhales deeply]

See you... after.

Yeah, see you. [chuckles]

[kids playing outside]

[energetic music playing]

[door squeaks open]

[bell rings]

[Dexter] Yeah. Nice.

- Hey, man. Dexter.
- Hey, Dexter. I'm Kyle.

You guys sounded great.

Can't wait to see you kick it live later.

[flatly] Yeah.

Cool.

[quietly] Cool.

[clicks tongue]

[exhales]

Nice blokes.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Decca have put a fortune into them.

Blokes. Blokes.
Do people still say "blokes"?

That sounds weird suddenly.

Uh, blokes. Guys.

Yeah, it's maybe a bit weird.

Sorry, Dexter.
Hair and makeup are ready for you.

No worries. No problem.
I'm just gonna grab my script.

[producer on PA] Two hours till showtime.

[answering machine beeps]

[automated voice]
You have one new message.

- [machine beeps]
- [Steven] Uh, Dexter.

This is your father here. I hope
they've put me through to the right room.

I seem to have spoken
to everyone in the building but you.

Um, it's just to say good luck tonight.

I will be watching.

It's all very exciting.

Uh, that's all I wanted to say.

Uh, ah, except also, I... I don't know
if you're still reading reviews,

or... or whatever they're called,

but remember these people
have no idea who you are.

So just... enjoy it.

Goodbye.

[answering machine clicks, beeps]

[producer on PA]
Dexter to hair and makeup, please.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Dex.
- Hi.

[woman laughs]

[heart b*ating]

- [both] Hi, Dex.
- Hello, Dexy.

- Mwah. Mwah.
- [Dexter] Mwah.

- I'm glad it's you.
- [woman] I'm glad it's you.

And I'll have another one of those,
thank you. [chuckles]

Hey, um, Donna,
have you got a... a newspaper?

[inhales sharply]

Do you know, we didn't get them today.

Now,

what are we gonna do with you
when you are perfect already?

- [sighs]
- [chuckles]

♪ Consider yourself at home ♪

♪ Consider yourself one of the family ♪

♪ We've taken to you so strong ♪

♪ It's clear we're going to get along ♪

♪ Consider yourself well in ♪

[cast] ♪ Consider yourself
Part of the furniture ♪

♪ There isn't a lot to spare ♪

♪ Who cares? Whatever we've got we share ♪

[bell rings]

Right. Great work, everyone.

Great work, Sonya.

I'll see you all in the Home Ec rooms
at six and no later.

And no disappearing to the shop
before the performance.

And absolutely no costumes
to be worn off premises.

- [kids chattering]
- [sighs]

Miss Morley?

- Hello. [laughs]
- [Ian chuckles]

What are you doing here?
It... it doesn't start for ages.

I thought you might need something to eat
before the big night.

Thank you.

That's really sweet.

[Ian grunts affectionately]

Of course. [chuckle softly]

Table for two, madam.

I'm a bit skint, so...
it's just jam, I'm afraid.

- I love a jam sandwich.
- [Ian] So did Bob Marley.

He liked anything with jam in. [laughs]

- Didn't even plan that one.
- Mm.

[sighs deeply]

Well, it's gonna be awful, Ian.

Why would it be awful? Hmm?

Today Walthamstow, tomorrow the West End.

Tea?

Thanks.

[tea pouring]

["The Only One I Know"
by The Charlatans playing]

[producer on PA] One hour
till live. Lighting to stage B, please.

Golden boy.

- Just you enjoy yourself, darling.
- Thanks, Donna.

No. Don't come near me
and ruin all my good work. [chuckles]

Now, you go out there
and knock their socks off.

"...castings from everyone's new best mate,

Steve Rob's
from the Birmingham local pub."

♪ Has come to take me away ♪

♪ The only one I know ♪

♪ Is mine... ♪

- [song ends]
- [knocking on door]

- Dexy.
- [Dexter] Toby, what do you want?

Ah. I'm looking
for the most odious man on television.

Yeah. I think you'll find
that's you who you're looking for, not me.

Razor-sharp comeback there, Dex.

You seen the papers?

One bad write-up. Not bothered.

So you didn't read The Sun, then?

Or The Express? Or The Times?

No one ever built
a statue of a critic, Toby.

True, but no one ever built
a statue of a TV presenter either.

How about a, uh, warm-up guy? Hmm?

[chuckles]

I'm just messing with you, big man.

It's tomorrow's chip paper,
and all of that.

Good thing the girls love you.

[somber music playing]

[Dexter] Can you go now, Toby?

I'll leave you to it.

Well, let you get back to those lines.

See you, Dex.

Good luck.

Fucker!

[Emma] Dex, stop.
Take whatever you're reading

and put it in the bin.

[Dexter] Ugh! Stupid critics.

I thought it was live.

How could they review it
if it hasn't happened?

They're not. They're trashing me. [groans]

[grunts] Why aren't you here?

I need you here.

'Cause it's curtain up in under an hour.

- Come after. I'll send a car.
- I can't.

There's a thing in the hall after.
I've got to meet the parents.

- Isn't Callum coming?
- Uh, I didn't invite him.

I really only want you.

Dex, it really doesn't feel
possible tonight.

Em, please.

Please.

Bring Ian, of course.

Look, if I can, I will, okay?

[sighs] Amazing. Thanks.

Okay, I need to go. But listen, Dex, okay?

These papers, f*ck them.
And f*ck whoever wrote them.

I mean, I know how annoying you can be,

but they... They have no idea.

None.

You're funny.

And charming. And lovely.

And you're gonna be exceptional.

So again, f*ck them. All right?

Thanks, Em.

And I'll hopefully see you later.

Okay?

- [call disconnects]
- [dial tone buzzes]

["Step It Up" by Stereo MC's playing]

Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.

♪ To the left... ♪

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen.

[exclaims]

We've got an hour
of live entertainment ahead.

We've got...

Before you go out...

[exhales sharply]

...get in!

[sighs]

- [door opens]
- [woman] Dex!

[both exclaim]

Whoo!

- How are we? sh1tting bricks?
- Uh...

A bit. Not too bad, you know.

[laughs]

Hey, can you see my nipples?

- Only if I look for them.
- [laughs]

Good one. Oh, I'm so excited!

We are gonna go out there,
and we're gonna have a laugh,

and we're gonna smash it.

And then we're gonna get
absolutely f*cked.

Ah. [laughs]

[exclaims]

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

[crowd chattering]

[Emma exhales]

- [Martin] Miss.
- What?

It's Sonya, Miss. You need to come.

Sonya?

Sonya, your show's about to start.

[Sonya] I'm not doing it.
Do it without me.

[Emma] Sonya.

- Oh God!
- Sonya, what's wrong?

There's just so many people.

- No, there's not. Not really.
- [Sonya sighs]

I don't know
why I thought I could do this.

I can't sing. I... I can't dance.

I'm... I'm just not good enough, miss.

[Emma] Okay. You got it
'cause you're good.

You're really, properly good.

[gentle music playing]

There she is.

Now, when you step out there,
I promise you're gonna find

that you've got everything you need.

'Cause it's all...

It's all in there.

It's just waiting to... [mimics expl*si*n]

[Sonya chuckles softly]

So come on.

"Coming at you tonight, live from London."

- We're ready for you.
- [cohost] Gavin!

I'm so excited, Gavin! [squeals]

- It is Gavin, isn't it?
- [Gavin] Yeah.

[cohost] Oh. I love this, Gavin. Hmm?

All right.

Let's have a good time. [giggles]

Whoo-hoo!

Oy, come on.

["Fallen" by One Dove playing on radio]

[producer on PA]
All crew to positions, please.

- ♪ Just like chains ♪
- [exhales]

♪ The closer we were ♪

♪ The lower he whispered... ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- [woman 1] Yeah.
- [song fades]

[tense music playing]

[man 1] Go on, Dex.

[man 2] Sorry, mate.

- [sighs]
- [woman 2] Good luck, Dex.

[Dexter gasps]

- f*ck's sake.
- This time tomorrow. Just you wait.

[Toby performing on stage]

[cohost] Donna, babes!

[audience cheers]

[cohost] I'm so excited!

[high-pitched ringing]

[Toby] How long
have you guys been together?

Two years? Wow. That's incredible.

[audience laughs]

Hello, it's one minute
till we go live, everyone.

[Toby] When our floor manager
puts his hands up, it's applause time.

[assistant] Follow me, please.

[producer on radio]
Going live in 30 seconds.

[heart thumping]

[producer] Stand by, band.

[audience laughs]

- [producer] Get Toby off now.
- [audience cheering]

[producer] Going live in 20 seconds.

- [audience whoops]
- [producer] Ten...

[Toby] So please welcome to the stage
your hosts tonight.

- [sighs]
- [Toby] The gorgeous Suki Meadows.

And suaver than suave, it's Dexter Mayhew!

[announcer] Live from London,
this is the UK's smashing new show.

So before you go out, get in!

[audience cheering]

[Suki] Oh my gosh, how are you?
You all look amazing!

Dex!

Are you ready
to have a good time, everybody?

I'm Suki Meadows,
and this is Dexter Mayhew.

Hello, are you all right?

- You feeling all right?
- w*nk*r!

[crowd laughs]

[hesitates] My agent,
ladies and gentlemen.

[laughs]

Oh yes. Welcome to Get In!

A feast of great comedy and great music.

[audience cheers]

But before all that,
we've got a special treat for you.

- [crew member 1 on radio] And roll VT.
- [woman] Stand by, VT.

[crew member 1] Okay, not a bad start,
but, Dex, let's keep the energy up.

[crew member 2] Thirty seconds everyone.

[high-pitched ringing]

[Donna] Are you okay, hon?

- [crew member 2] Going live in 15, 14...
- Ah...

Suki. Suki.

- Yeah? What?
- Suki, that's my bottle.

That's my water.

- You've got yours in your hand.
- No, that's mine. This is yours.

- Yeah. Just wipe that one, you weirdo.
- No, Suki.

- Suki.
- Five, four... [mouthing]

- [audience cheers]
- [coughing]

Uh, Dexter, take over the intro, please.

[audience murmuring]

[crew member 1] Camera one, Dexter.
Camera one. We've got dead air.

[audience laughing]

[crew member 1] Come on.
Red light, over here.

Say something, Dexter. Dexter!

- Engage your brain!
- [Toby] The most odious man on television.

[crew member 1] Read the autocue.

- f*cking hell, someone say something now.
- [Suki] Jesus Christ!

[laughs] That is proof
we're going out live!

[woman] Camera four on Suki.

- [audience cheers]
- [Suki] Oh yeah!

What the hell was that, Dex?

My mom's out there,
you're spiking my drink.

[audience laughs]

[woman] Okay, we're back.

Right. Cut to VT. Suki link to VT.

And now, while I bollock him,
you watch this.

- [audience cheers]
- ["Arrange 9" by Michael Georgia plays]

[Gavin] Three minutes, everyone.

Suki.

[Suki scoffs]

- What happened there, Suki?
- Something just went down the wrong way.

[crew member 1] And, Dex,
sort yourself out, mate.

[Godalming] Oh! [chuckles]

Come on, everyone!

[crowd cheering]

[Godalming] Oh, wonderful! Oh!

- Let's go get her.
- That was good. I loved it. Yes!

- [Ian] Go on, Emma.
- [Godalming] Go on, Emma.

[Sonya] Miss, come on.

[Ian laughs]

[crowd cheers]

[gentle music playing]

[crowd cheering]

Bravo!

["Push the Feeling On"
by Nightcrawlers playing]

[agent] Hey there.

Great work, D.

[sighs] Thanks. Was it... Was it okay?

Yeah, it was live, you know.

It was... It was freewheeling and live.

Yeah. I mean,
I've got notes, obviously, but...

Uh, yeah? What... what kind of notes?

Tomorrow. Talk tomorrow.

[dance song ends]

[sighs] Ian.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Not from me.

Who, then?

Flash Harry, probably.

Inevitably.

"Em, who will buy my sweet red roses?
Wink, wink."

"So sorry to miss it.
I know it'll be a smash. Dex."

[lock clicks]

[rock playing on TV]

[Suki] Welcome to Get In!

A feast of great comedy...

Are you coming to watch?

Thank you, no.

[Suki] We've got
a great night ahead of us!

Can I borrow a T-shirt?

A special treat for you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

[coughing]

[Ian] Oh, hello.

- [Suki coughing]
- [Ian] Is she throwing up?

[audience clamoring]

[Ian] Find your camera, Dex.

Jesus Christ.

- [Suki] Jesus Christ...
- [Ian and Suki laugh]

This is awful.

- He looks terrified.
- [cheering]

- Majestically bad.
- Ian.

[Suki] And now, while I bollock...

I think it's meant to be like this.

Yes, it's car-crash TV.

[Ian] Car crash?

This is full-on train derailment.

He's worse than me.

Night.

[audience cheering on TV]

["Thinking About You"
by Radiohead playing]

♪ Been thinking about you ♪

♪ Your record's a hit ♪

♪ Your eyes are on my wall... ♪

- [Dexter on message] You know what to do.
- [line beeps]

Hi, Dex.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [Emma] I didn't think you'd be home.

Probably out partying after tonight.
And no wonder.

Letting off steam
after an hour of live television.

Well, thank you for the flowers.
Yeah, they're beautiful.

And sorry again that I wasn't there.

I hope tonight
was everything you wanted it to be.

Your mom would've been
really proud of you.

♪ Who bribed the company
To come and see you, honey ♪

[receiver clatters]

♪ I've been thinking about you ♪

♪ So how can you sleep? ♪

♪ These people aren't your friends ♪

♪ They're paid to kiss your feet ♪

♪ They don't know what I know ♪

♪ Why should you care ♪

♪ When I'm not there? ♪

♪ Been thinking about you ♪

♪ And there's no rest ♪

♪ sh*t, I still love you ♪

♪ Still see you in bed ♪

♪ But I'm playing with myself ♪

♪ What do you care? ♪