02x08 - Broadway Danny Gurgs

[bunniefuu]

Tell me you guys watched
last night's episode

of "Real Housewives:
Ultimate Girls Trip."

It was incredible.
Three of them realized

they slept with
the same plastic surgeon.

Yeah, I stopped watching
after they trashed

that Thai monastery.

First time a monk talks
in a thousand years,

and he yells, "b*tches!"

Oh, television.

At least radio had the dignity
to just die!

Mind if I put these here?

Something wrong? Oh.

Did you let that guy outside
take a picture of your feet?

I don't care what he says.

There is no such thing
as a foot talent scout.

I don't know. He's the reason
why my feet are famous in Japan.

I just found out my doorman d*ed.

- Oh, no.
- I'll never forget

the last thing Angel said to me.

"You think CC Sabathia
ends up in Cooperstown?"

Pure gibberish.
Should have known he was dying.

Wow. I don't know what to say

other than... I'm sorry you're sad.

Back in a jiff.

Oh, drama detected.

That phony "I'm sorry you're sad"

was classic "Housewives" insincerity.

Not what I expected
from Time Out New York's

Most Huggable Judge.

Oh, I will hug the hell out of someone

when they're not lying
to my huggable face!

Ohh! Whoa.

Why do you keep dropping bombs
and walking away?

She's not upset her doorman d*ed

- because that guy wasn't her doorman.
- [GASPS]

Wh-a-a-a-at? That's...

I don't exactly know what that is.

She bribed him so she could
have her mail sent

to a fancy building
and people would be impressed.

She's not sad that poor man d*ed.

She's sad she lost her fake address.

That's a pathological insecurity

rarely seen in real life.

I'm in the show!

Only this isn't a reality show.

If it was, I'd have a tagline,
something like...

"Watch out because
I'm judge, jury, and...

sex-ecutioner."

You're right. This isn't a show.

In light of the circumstances,

it would be beneficial
to get the facts of the case

from the defendant himself.

You really want this boob
to do his thing?

Quiet, Dan. The show's starting.

Ooh, you're sad?

Because you did a bad thing.

What could you possibly be typing?

A... And you throw yourself
at the mercy of the court!

Objection! He's charged with m*rder.

That does make this less fun.

I'll let a jury decide
what happens to you.

For now, time to go back in a box.

Bright side... no one can
accuse you of being a snitch.

- Hey. How ya holding up?
- It's a lot.

It's not every day your doorman dies.

Or any day for some of us.

I want to send you some comfort food.

How about some bad lie?
I mean, pad Thai.

Still at 280 Central Park West?

Deliveries are just tough
for me right now.

Maybe Venmo me the $75.

The people versus Sy Hoffman.

Wait. The Sy Hoffman?

Hey! Excuse me! Necktie!
Can we run that again?

Only this time, I'd like it to be...

"And now presenting three-time
Tony nominee Sy Hoffman!"

It's like "Sir" or "Doctor."

It's, uh... It's a legal term.

In case you couldn't tell,

the defendant is a Broadway producer.

Who I refuse to defend
on the grounds of I hate him.

Counselor, if you refuse to represent

every client you hated,
you'd never work.

That's the dream.

Judge, I know addressing
the defendant is frowned upon,

- but could I...
- Go ahead.

Dan's quitting. You're interrupting.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Mr. Hoffman, I'm a huge fan.

I fell in love with the theater
after seeing your production of

"Please Get Sick:
An Understudy's Story."

And I'll just say you're even
more handsome in person. Heh!

The bailiff rests.

Thank you, Gurgs.

Dan, what's your problem with the guy?

It's the same old story, Your Honor.

This hot pair of legs comes
waltzing into the rehearsal hall

with nothing but doe eyes,

a pair of tap shoes, and a dream.

Well, it takes a lot more
to make it in this town

than that, bucko!

That's not what happened!

I invested $5,000 in one of his flops...

"CAMOUFLAGE: The Musical."

He swore it would be a hit.

The camouflage was so good,

you couldn't even see anybody
that was on the stage!

Very well. Court will adjourn until

another attorney is available.

The search begins
in ah-five, six, seven, eight!

Well, anyone would be better
than this washed-up hoofer.

You are remembering
our relationship incorrectly.

- I don't dance!
- [LAUGHTER]

You wanted to see me?

And I assume take me
on a magic-carpet ride?

I know you're going through something,

so I've created a space to heal,

feel, and get totally real.

Welcome to my grief nest.

Oh. No, no, no. This...
This isn't necessary.

Ooh! Are these chocolates?!

One for each stage of grief.

The dark represents
the dark place you're in.

The white is for anger...
because it's disgusting.

Ohh.

- There you go. You warm?
- Mm-hmm.

- You cozy?
- Mm.

Good. 'Cause I know Angel
wasn't your doorman!

What?! This isn't a grief nest!
It's a... It's a cozy trap!

Ow.

How did you know?

I dropped by your place
that time you called in sick

to bring you pretzels and Skittles.

I don't do soup.
Who wants to eat something

a chicken took a bath in?

But hold on. You sent me that
vintage armoire for my birthday.

You made me FaceTime you

while I wrangled it
into the service elevator.

You didn't bat an eye.

You just did it. That's bonkers!

Well, I guess it doesn't matter

'cause pretty soon
everyone will know the truth...

that I live in the Little Queens
section of Staten Island

and have to take a barge to a kayak

to a ferry to get to work.

I can't believe you're this upset

about losing a fake address.

Hey! I invested a lot of time
in that guy!

I had to bring him a doughnut
every week,

and then I had to get gluten-free

when we found out he was celiac.

Ohh! And then he was up to two
doughnuts during the divorce.

And now he's gone.

And where does that leave my packages?

Wait a second. Was I wrong?

Is it possible that,
despite your best efforts,

you formed a real relationship
with Angel?

Is this the longest relationship
you've ever had?

I've had longer.

There's a shadowy figure
called the Puppet Man

who's been visiting my dreams
since I was 12.

What does Angel say
about the Puppet Man?

Oh, he had some theories.
It never came up.

Olivia. Angel didn't just
accept your packages.

He accepted you. This is a real loss.

- You should go to his funeral.
- Just stop it!

The only thing I lost today
was a bougie address.

Just know I'm storming out,

but it's hard because of the pillows!

Blech! White chocolate! Anger!

You're very sweet to remember
my glory days.

Past couple of decades have been rough.

My picker's been off.

I put all my savings
into a musical "Mister Saigon."

- It's about my dry cleaner, Teddy Saigon.
- Hm.

The idea to offer actual dry cleaning

during the show was inspired,

though there was one stain
that they couldn't...

Hey, hey. No refunds!

Hey, Sy! About ready
for your big finish?

Oh! Have you met Mitzi,
your new public defender?

Hi. I'm Mitzi. Sorry I'm late.

I couldn't get a babysitter.
They're not my kids.

I'm their babysitter.

FYI, if my phone rings
and it's Mike Todwell,

I have to answer it
'cause I heard he likes me.

Can you believe this is her first case?

That's who they cast as my lawyer?

I may have made a few calls.

Come on, Dan. Can't you represent him?

I mean, you represented that mime,

and he strangled someone
with invisible rope.

Yes, of course.

I'll represent Sy...
for the $5,000 he owes me.

I don't have it.
That's why I got arrested

for selling fake memorabilia
in the first place!

I thought it was a weapons charge.

No, they were fake dueling
pistols from "Hamilton,"

Also known as real g*ns that
I sold on the subway platform.

Boy. That sounds like a tough one.

But I'm sure she can get you out of it.

Shut your old mouths. It's Mike Todwell!

Let me know if you want me
to get you that, uh,

invisible rope, huh?

Hey, Wyatt. Have you seen Olivia?

I set up a real grief nest.

The difference? Bigger candles.

Got a lilac one the size of your leg.

I think I heard she said she was going

- to that doorman's funeral.
- Oh.

Would you look at that?
She took my advice.

I feel like one of the "q*eer Eye" guys.

Ohh. Does Karamo usually recommend

crashing a funeral to harass
doormen for a fake address?

That sounds like
more of an Antoni thing.

- Wait. Is that why she's going?
- Oh, yeah.

She realized there were gonna
be a bunch of doormen there,

so she went to find a living one
to run her scam with.

So it's not because
I tapped into something

deep within her soul and encouraged

her to achieve emotional catharsis?

She actually went out of her
way to say it was not that.

This is bad. I got to go stop her.

Hell yeah, you do.
And I have to go with you

to watch what happens... live.

I mean, to support you... live.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[VOCALIZING SCALE]

I know that sound anywhere. Singing!

Oh! That's just something I do...

pass the time with perfect pitch.

I also do some foot modeling overseas.

Oh, Sy. Gah. Bad news.

Mitzi bailed when somebody
double-dared her

to go to Mike Todwell's house.

Guess who double-dared her.

Oh, come on, Fielding.
You got to get me out of here.

Jail is nothing like "Chicago."

I haven't seen a single girl
in fishnets doing jazz hands!

I know you hate him,
but, Dan, do it for me.

In high school,
the other theater geeks and I

used to pretend to audition for him.

We loved Sy... the way
you love Lincoln or Washington

or whatever dumb president
you care about.

His name was LBJ, and he was
given an impossible task!

Wait. Idea.

You've always wanted to sing for me.

I've always wanted to not go to prison.

If Stretch here can represent me,

I'll listen to you perform.

But he has to agree
in the next three seconds.

Three, two, one!

Alright. I was bluffing.
In the next 20 seconds.

- 20 seconds, Dan!
- Ugh. Gurgs, you know,

there are two things
I hate most in the world...

helping people and losing money.

This does both!

Fine. It's just my lifelong dream.

But if doing your job
is too much to ask...

Four and a half...

Stop. You know what?

I was gonna pay somebody
to take you out on the inside.

But... fine. I'll be your lawyer.

[GIGGLES] Oh, my God!
I'm so happy, I could kiss you!

But I won't kiss you because my mouth

has other things it needs to do.

Come on, mouth! We got work to do!
[BUZZING LIPS]

I want you to tell me the truth.

What did you do with my five grand?

I bought a dune buggy.

Make sure he's not fed.

Oh. So sorry about Angel.
Were you two close?

I mean, were your buildings close?

Where's your building?

Oh, come on. That was subtle.

Olivia middle-name Moore.
You have some nerve.

I upgraded candles for you!

Yeah. Drag her.

Wyatt, you narc.
You told her I was here?

That's right. I'm in the show.

And my tagline... "I'm judge,
jury, and... sex-ecutioner."

Hey! That was mine.
And you said it was bad.

It works better for me.

Would you two just get out of
here? You're bad for business.

You may not think you had
a relationship with this man,

but these people did,
and they don't want someone

around here trolling for a deal.

I hear you're looking to make a deal.

I'm Angel's replacement.
The name is Norman.

Wait. You're Norman... the doorman?

Oh, you think that's funny, huh?

But when Dora the Explorer
finds a job that way,

you've got nothing to say.

So I can keep the address?

You'll hold up
my old 13th-floor special?

I will. On one condition.

The family has asked me to speak,

but we doormen like to keep it brief.

"It's a wet one out there."
"Happy Friday."

That sort of thing.

So you want me to give a eulogy

for a man I barely knew?

- Is that a problem?
- No, not at all.

- Great. If I don't see you, happy Friday.
- [LAUGHS]

You were right. Coming here
was just what I needed.

Don't do this.

If you give that eulogy,
you're gonna regret it.

I... I think we should at least
see her do it first.

It'll be fine.

I'll just get up there
and squeeze out a few tears.

Thinking about the end of
"Titanic" always does the trick.

[VOICE BREAKING] Why should the ocean

get to keep that expensive necklace?

- This is so messed up.
- I know.

I'll get us some snacks.

Alright. So we know you're not innocent.

Or likable.

You at least have
any character witnesses

who will come and testify
on your behalf?

Nah. Bunch of fair-weather phonies.

Abandoned me because I haven't
done bupkus in 30 years.

I used to have an eye for
talent, but I hit a cold streak.

I told Lin-Manuel Miranda,
"You talk too fast."

Told Jonathan Groff he was pitchy.

And I said to Stephen Sondheim,

"Hey! What's with all the words?"

Any chance we could have
this conversation

with less corned beef
flying right into my face?

Don't worry about the trial.
I got it all planned out.

We start out with some light piccolo.
[IMITATING PICCOLO]

That's your theme.

Then the strings are for the judge.
[IMITATING VIOLIN]

She's the angel that's gonna save us.

Then the oboe comes in. That's me.

Strong, confident.

♪ Oboe, oboe ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh, no ♪

We're not doing any of that.

Why? 'Cause you're the piccolo?

Well, obviously, I'm an alto sax...

Boy, I just hope Gurgs singing
for you is worth all of this.

Oh, no. She never sang for me.

Came in, turned around,
walked right out.

- What?
- Yeah.

Same thing happened
with Patti LuPone in 1973.

In some ways, I'm still
waiting in that bathroom.

You're gonna lose the beard
for the trial, right?

I mean, we're not doing "Fiddler."

I'm taking this.

Angel was special.

When he asked, "How about them Mets?"

He was really asking, "How's your wife?"

How's your kids?

And how do they feel about them Mets?"

Love a doorman funeral.

You know, after this, we all go
outside and hail a hearse.

Next up, a few words from Olivia Moore.

Olivia, you're better than this.

No, I'm not.

Thank you, Yarls, family,
and fellow residents.

Ashes to ashes. Door to door.

Oh. There's that smile.

There's that casket. [CHUCKLES]

And Angel's in it. [CHUCKLES]

Forever. Oh, I'm never gonna
see him eat another doughnut.

It's happening. Catharsis. Let it out.

Pretty soon I'll be in that box.

And so will you. And you.

And then addresses won't even matter.

Because what? We're just
gonna be worm meat!

Put it back. Put it back.

So this is what happens when a person

who's never felt anything
feels everything at once.

And after everything
he has done for you!

- We got to get him out of there!
- Ohh.

Okay. Hi. I'm Olivia's friend from work.

And, you know, I met Angel once,

so it's not weird at all
that I'm up here.

I think what Olivia's trying to say...

We're all just worm doughnuts!

... is that, uh, life is hard.

And if you find someone
who can make it a little easier,

that's pretty special.

And you'll always have that.

Not just with Angel, but with
anyone who sees the good in you.

- Hm.
- Hm.

S... So in closing...

it's a wet one out there?

[CRYING] It's a wet one in here, too!

Another.

- Another.
- Gurgs!

You didn't even sing for him?
And what is this?

Well, there's no bar here,

so I'm drowning my sorrows in iced tea.

Same color. No effect.

Let me guess. You figured
singing would be a waste of time

because Sy wouldn't even hear
you over his mouth breathing?

I was standing at the mic,

about to bring the house down
with the big finale

from "Camouflage: The Musical"

when Sy said, "Okay, kid!
Show me what ya got!"

And I froze.

Which is ironic because I got super-hot

and couldn't stop sweating.

In that moment, I realized
Sy was the only one

who could tell me
if I'm really any good.

And maybe I'm happier not knowing.

Oh, Gurgs.

That's the longest story
I've ever heard.

You just had to be unselfish
and graciously help me.

Thanks a lot, Dan!

I did something good.
Why are you yelling at me?!

Because I'm sad! And it's
a lot easier to be mad.

Yeah, well, we agree on that!

Put it on her tab.

May not have been my finest moment,

but I feel like Angel's
secret family showing up

will be what people really remember.

How could they not know?

He was going to Tampa
twice a month on business.

He's a doorman. What business?

Well, he was good to me.

I may not have actually lived
on Central Park West,

but... he always treated me like I did.

And that's why, as a tribute to him...

Ah. You're gonna treat people
the way he treated you?

Close. I'm gonna crush
everything in my path

until I actually live
on Central Park West.

For him.

I think he would have wanted that.

- Okay. Places, everyone.
- What's going on?

Gurgs, we know that
you're mad at yourself

for not singing for Sy,
but you shouldn't care

what he thinks about you.

If you care about what anybody thinks,

it should be us, your... friends.

- And we would like to hear you sing.
- You do?

Well, this is all so lovely,

but I don't know what I would even...

Maybe this.

"Camouflage" finale in B flat.
And... try to keep up.

♪ My friends, my lovers ♪

♪ My entourage ♪

♪ This hurts, this smothers ♪

♪ This camouflage ♪

♪ So I'm makin' a push ♪

♪ To not look like a bush ♪

♪ We were thick as thieves ♪

♪ But I don't want to believe ♪

♪ You may think it's mean ♪

♪ But I need to be seen ♪

♪ So I'm gonna be ♪

♪ S-e-e-e-een ♪

[INHALES SHARPLY] Camouflage!

- I love that song!
- [SCREAMS]

Oh, my God!

- Sy was here the whole time?
- Yeah.

I mean, he's a crook, but, hey,
he knows his camouflage.

I'm gonna tell you the same thing

I told Idina Menzel.

Nobody cares about two broads
in the snow. And you stink!

First of all, you're the one who stinks!

You're lucky I let you off
with community service.

And, second of all, what else
in this room is people?

No, Abby. It's okay.

If Sy Hoffman thinks I'm bad,

it means I'm actually amazing.

That's right. I mean, he's been
on a 30-year cold streak.

Come on. He cast Bill Maher
as Sweeney Todd!

And that so cost me my EGOT.
I was so close!

All I needed was a Tony.

Then a Grammy. And the Emmy.
And the Oscar.

I thought I had the Grammy all locked up

with that audiobook I did.

My voice is very soothing. Okay, bye!

Gurgs, you're an incredible singer.

- And I can dance, too.
- Oh. I know.

We can always spot our own. Yeah?

- [HUMMING]
- [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Wait! I was making sure
this bookcase wasn't a person!

Did Dan just dance and I missed it?!