03x12 - Welcome to the Treehouse

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey, Dave! Come on in, buddy.

Wow, you're in a really good mood.

I know.

A new pothole opened up on Jefferson, and it is tearing up people's cars.

They're breaking down right in front of my shop.

Ain't God good? Okay, well, since you're so happy, you won't mind if I borrow a couple tools.

Sure, what do you need? Okay, let's see.

Here we go.

Uh, all right.

Miter saw, belt sander, power drill, carriage bolts, auger bits, and the instruction manuals on how to use all those things.

Dave, I've told you a hundred times, we are not building a bridge connecting our houses.

It was not a bridge, it was a catwalk.

But this is about something else.

Okay.

Grover has been begging me for a tree house, and since he's visiting his grandmother for a few days, I thought I'd surprise him with one when he gets home.

A tree house, huh? I remember the one I built for Malcolm and Marty.

That thing was amazing.

Well, I've got some pretty exciting plans myself.

Two words: bird feeder.

I got two words for you: poor Grover.

Aw, man.

You should've seen the one I built.

It had a lookout perch, a rope swing.

It even had a secret door that led to a slide.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but screw feeding the birds.

Yeah, man, the boys spent the entire summer up there.

By the time they came down, Marty needed longer pants and Malcolm had a goatee.

Well, Calvin, that sounds awesome.

Hey is there any chance that you would help me build Grover's tree house? Hmm.

This may be the pothole talking, but I'd love to.

You know what, I got some extra wood in my garage, and anything else we need, we can get at the hardware store.

Okay, perfect.

Also, we can swing by the pet store.

I have 200 pounds of birdseed to return.

Wow, you really know your way around Home Warehouse.

You found everything so quickly.

Everything except you.

Where the hell did you disappear to for so long? Sorry.

Any time I see a plant section, I like to pretend that I'm lost in the jungle.

Hey, guys.

Oh, nice.

Dave, I see you finally talked my dad into building that catwalk.

Wrong.

I'm helping Dave build a tree house for Grover, just like the one I built for you and Malcolm.

Oh, really? That's fantastic.

Yeah, you know, just thinking about it brings back a lot of happy memories of you boys playing in yours.

Yeah, me too, Dad.

Man, see, that is exactly the kind of memories that I want to have with Grover.

Aw, man, well, you won't if you let my dad build it, because Grover will be dead.

W-What are you talking about? Trust me, man, the one that my dad built for us was a nightmare.

It had a hole in the floor, splinters everywhere, nails poking out.

It was like playing inside a Kn*fe drawer.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? I mean, your dad is so excited, I can't ask him to stop now.

Well, in that case, the only thing you should do is use this saw to cut down your tree.

All right, wait.

You know what? No.

Marty, you're an engineer.

Look, you can help us build it and make sure that it's safe.

Dude, are you kidding me? If my dad finds out you asked me to supervise his work, he'll be furious.

Well, then, he doesn't need to know.

Just swing by and make a few casual suggestions.

Then you're not stepping on his toes.

And more importantly, Grover won't lose any of his.

I don't know, man.

Good news, Dave! I figured out a way we can run a zip line from the roof to the tree house.

We just got to get around those power lines.

So, 1:00 okay for you? Yes Hey, Tina.

Here's the flour you asked for.

I brought all I had because I didn't know how many cups were in a "crapload.

" Great.

Did you also bring the butter? No, sorry, I was out.

Alexa, add a crapload of butter to my shopping list.

I've added a crapload of butter to your shopping list.

Did you program her to say that? No.

She just gets me.

So, what's with all the cookies? Well, like an idiot, I volunteered to make 400 of them for the church bake sale.

- 400? That's crazy.

- Mm.

I know, but Sister Thompson made 300 last year, and I thought embarrassing that stuck-up old hag would be the Christian thing to do.

Well, if you need some help, I'd be happy to make some for you.

- Oh, really? - Sure.

I love to bake.

You know, when Grover was little, I used to Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Less chatter, more batter.

Okay.

What do you say, Dave? You looking level on your side? Not really.

Ah, don't b*at yourself up.

Mine isn't, either.

Hey, guys.

Oh, look who's here.

It's Marty, showing up completely on his own.

Right on time, but totally unplanned.

Yeah, I just figured I'd drop by and see how you guys were doing.

Oh, great.

We're halfway done with the floor.

Yeah, uh, that's right, uh I got to level with you, Marty, I can not even believe how well it's going.

Well, actually, from where I'm standing, i-it looks a little slanted.

- Oh.

- Eh, maybe.

But trust me, it'll look straight when it's 12 feet in the air.

So-so, when you get it up there, what are you gonna use to support it? Is You gonna use braces or a cantilever system? Oh, a cantilever system.

You know what's crazy? Grover was just asking for one of those.

No, man, don't worry about that stuff.

I got something way sturdier in mind.

Oh.

W-What? I'm gonna nail it to that branch and then I'm-a tie a bungee cord and run it all the way over to that telephone pole.

Yeah, I got to say, Dad, from an engineering standpoint, that doesn't sound super safe to me.

You're probably right.

Two bungee cords it is.

Yeah, uh, I don't know, Calvin.

I-I think Marty is making some pretty good points.

Yeah, speaking of points, maybe we should hammer down some of these exposed nails.

What are you talking about? That's a built-in security system to keep the squirrels out.

I don't know, Calvin, uh, I think I'm leaning towards Marty's suggestion.

It feels a little bit less tetanusy.

All right, fine, we'll hammer in the nails.

Good.

Y-You know, the squirrels probably won't even be a problem.

I know.

'Cause I'm-a put barbed wire all around this thing instead.

Good idea, fellas.

Alexa, set cookie timer for 12 minutes.

Cookie timer set for 12 minutes.

Girl, you are such a big help.

Now, if you could talk trash and drink wine, we could hang.

Okay, here you go.

100 vegan carob chip cookies.

- What? - I'm kidding.

These are so unhealthy, there's a little heart att*ck in each one.

Hey, Mom, did you hear the bad news about Mr.

Pickett? Oh, he fell down the stairs and Oh! Cookies.

Mmm.

Oh, my God.

Mom, these are the best cookies you ever made.

Excuse me? I'm serious, Ma.

I don't know what you did different, but these right here put all your other cookies to shame.

Mmm.

Actually, I baked that batch.

You say what now? Those are hers.

You know what? I spoke way too soon.

Let me go ahead and try one of yours.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You see? I was wrong.

I was wrong.

These are way better.

Still Gemma's.

You know what? - Let me try one of these right - Just get out of here! Look at that floor.

Solid as a rock.

I told you that dead branch was strong enough to hold it.

Yeah, uh, lucky for us you spotted it so very, very high up in the tree.

Oh, know what we should do, is get a steel pipe and put it on the roof so Grover can fly a pirate flag.

Oh, that's a great idea.

No kid's wooden fort is complete without a lightning rod attached to it.

Now, you see a problem, I see free electricity.

Yeah You know, though, maybe we skip the flagpole.

Yeah, Grover's not into pirates anymore anyway.

Oh, that's too bad.

I see at least three planks up there just begging to be walked off.

What's your deal, Marty? Why you keep criticizing everything I do? Well, i-it's not about you, Dad.

I'm just looking out for Grover.

You know what? I-I like the sound of that.

You know, Grover has very delicate bones.

He's he's basically like a little baby bird.

Eh, the only baby around here is Marty.

"Wah, the floor is uneven.

" "Wah, lightning's bad for you.

" I'm just trying to make it safe.

No, what you're doing is trying to make it boring.

Half the fun of a tree house is taking some risk.

A little sense of adventure.

When did you become so soft? I'm not soft, Dad.

I'm just trying to stop this tree house from being an even bigger disaster than the one you built us.

What are you talking about? You loved that tree house.

No, man, I hated it.

That thing was way too dangerous.

Name one thing that was dangerous about it.

Dad, you built it over a barbecue pit.

It's called heated floors.

- G-Guys, please stop arguing.

- Look, I'm not arguing, I'm just realizing how ungrateful my son is.

Yeah, and I'm just realizing how reckless and irresponsible my dad is.

You know what, Marty, what-what are you even doing here? Nobody invited you.

Right, Dave? Yeah, totally uninvited, but at the same time, very welcome.

Yeah, fine, you guys don't want my help, I'm out of here.

I was just trying to keep Grover safe.

Well, you don't have to worry about that, because when it comes to tree houses, nobody builds 'em better than me.

Oh! Boom.

There's your rope swing right there.

Hey, Dave, what's up? And if you say the tree house, I will be shocked.

I came over to apologize for yesterday.

The last thing I wanted was to cause a fight between you and your dad.

I mean, you didn't start that fight.

He did when he called me soft.

- It's messed up.

- Yeah, I totally get it.

I'd hate it if Calvin ever thought I were soft.

But come on, Marty, I need you to come back.

For Grover's sake.

How bad is it? It is a nightmare.

He's over there right now trying to get a diving board to reach the neighbors' swimming pool.

Dave, I tried to help, man.

You saw what happened.

I know, and I should have backed you up, but but it's hard.

Your dad's heart is in the right place, even though I'm pretty sure his support beams are not.

Well, if you want me to come back, you're gonna have to make my dad do things my way.

Absolutely.

Look, Marty, from now on, you are in charge, no matter what.

Okay, good.

But we better get over there quick because the neighbors drained that pool two years ago.

Oh Hey.

Okay for me to come in? Of course, Gemma, why wouldn't it be? I don't know, I was worried you might still be upset about that whole cookie thing yesterday.

Ah, please, they're just silly cookies that I've baked for Malcolm his whole life, ever since I squeezed his sorry ass out of my damn body.

I know, I'm sorry.

No, no, it's not your fault.

Malcolm was right, your cookies were delicious.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

And besides, obviously it was just a fluke.

What do you mean, a fluke? Oh, I'm sorry, Gemma, I didn't mean it like that.

I'm just saying, everyone knows that my cookies eat yours for breakfast.

Well, everyone might know, but clearly Malcolm doesn't.

Okay, okay.

Well, it sounds like there's only one way to settle this.

You talking bake-off? Oh, you know it.

Name your cookie.

Shortbread? Snickerdoodle? If we're gonna do it, let's go all the way.

You talking oatmeal? With raisins.

Is there any other way? Actually, sometimes they use chocolate chips.

Oh, that sounds yummy.

Let's do that instead.

Okay.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, look who's back, the building inspector.

Actually, Calvin, I asked Marty to come back.

Why would you do that? Look, I know you're just trying to make this place as much fun as possible for Grover, but it would be nice if he were actually alive to enjoy it.

Seriously? You're taking his side? Look, Calvin, there are no sides.

Yeah, like this place when somebody sneezes and the walls fall down.

Know what? Fine.

If neither of you think that I can do this, then I'm out of here.

But I'm taking my nail with me.

What was that? Oh, relax.

It's just the floor settling onto the tree.

Now it's even more rock-solid.

M-Maybe I should put this nail back where it, where it was.

Okay.

I got to admit, now the floor is a little slanted.

Whoa.

- Hey, ladies - Enough small talk.

- We need you to settle a bet.

- Mm-hmm.

Uh, what bet? We both baked one of these cookies.

All you have to do is taste them and tell us which one you like better.

And God help you if you get it wrong.

You know, actually, I am kind of busy right now.

But you know who loves cookies? Marty.

I'm gonna go find him.

- Nice try, Malcolm.

- Yeah.

Now be a man and eat your milk and cookies! All right, fine.

Mmm.

So, which is better? Well I hate to disappoint either of you, but it's a tie everybody wins! Malcolm! All right, Ma.

If I had to choose, I pick this one.

Boom! Hey! Somebody call Keebler and tell 'em there's a new elf in town! Well, congratulations.

I guess you were right, my cookies were just a fluke.

I'm sorry, Gemma, I never should've said that.

I just overreacted because I'm Malcolm's mom.

And, you know, every mama wants her baby to like her cookies best.

I get it, and I'm glad he picked yours.

Thank you.

And thank you, Malcolm.

Now I'm gonna go put your baby pictures back up.

Look, I'm sorry, Gemma.

Your cookie was good, too.

It just had a bit of, um, a strange aftertaste.

I hope so.

I put in a crapload of pickle juice.

Pickle juice? Why would you put pickle juice in an oatmeal cookie? Because I'm a mama, too.

Like your mom said, we all want our babies to like our cookies best.

You're a good friend, Gemma.

Not that good.

At first, I was going to put it in her cookie.

Okay, nobody move or this thing is gonna collapse.

All right, now I know how this looks, but I built this thing for a couple of little kids.

Not three grown men.

That being said, I probably could've used a few more bungee cords.

Okay, so what do we do now? And if you're gonna say pee your pants, well mission accomplished.

Well, Marty, you're an engineer.

If anybody can figure a way to get us out of here, it's you.

Okay, okay, okay, uh all right, I-I think I got it.

Um, if-if we coordinate our movements and redistribute our body weight, that should counterbalance the floor until we can each get out.

Great idea.

And may I say, as a professional conflict mediator, an excellent team-building exercise.

You know Okay, all right.

You might want to hurry this thing up.

This tree is getting sick of Dave, too.

Okay okay, Dave? You're closest to the door.

I'm gonna slide two steps to the left, Dad, you take two steps to the right.

That should balance the floor.

Ready? Go! All right.

Okay, all right, Dave, you climb out.

Dad, as soon as he does, you take another step to the left.

I'm gonna take two steps back.

Oh, so this is like the Electric Slide meets the Cupid Shuffle.

No, Dad, Dad, no! Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, ooh! That-That-That's on me right there.

Okay, Dave, go! Okay.

And for the record, there are no two men that I'd rather be trapped in a tree house - with than the two of you! - Get out of here! Okay, Dad.

It's your turn.

No, son, you go.

All right, this is my fault.

If I had listened to your suggestions, we wouldn't be here in the first place.

I just got carried away.

It's okay, man.

You were just trying to make it fun.

The same way you did when you built ours.

Thanks.

And I shouldn't have called you soft, because you're not.

You mean that? Yeah.

I mean, the way you kept your cool and figured out a way to get us out of here, there's nothing soft about that.

Thanks, Dad.

Bring it in, son.

- All right, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

- All right.

Bring it out, bring it out! Okay, okay, Dad, I'm going.

I'll see you on the ground.

One way or the other.

Damn.

Why did I let Dave go first? Okay.

You were right, this is a much better idea than the one I had.

True.

Although I would've loved to see my dad try to Mary Poppins his way down with your beach umbrella.

Calvin, you okay up there? Yeah, but I'm running out of time! - When's that umbrella coming? - Okay change of plans.

We've got some mattresses for you to land on! Dad, you got to jump now! A squirrel just did and I think he knows something.

All right, here I come! Just remember, you're the Black Bruce Willis.

Yippee ki-yay, mother brother!