05x11 - Welcome to the Cornhole

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Calvin.

Hola, mi amor.

Guess what I'm making.

Paella.

Yes, the authentic recipe

we learned in "Barthelona."

Well, you know, you could say

Barcelona like an American.

No, I like saying "Barthelona"

like a "Barthelonian."

You know, Calvin, you don't

have to make paella every day.

I still haven't finished

my lunch paella.

Hey, you must have had a busy day.

Yeah, let's go with that.

And speaking of getting busy,

you know, we haven't done

that since this morning.

Calvin, where's my favorite mug?

Oh, I, uh, I threw it out.

Yeah, I was watching

Jennifer Hudson this afternoon,

and the feng shui expert said that

you should replace any

chipped or broken item.

But my mug wasn't chipped.

Well, I broke it when I was

trying to feng shui the kitchen.

Oh, by the way,

Magnum, P.I. thinks we should

get a reverse mortgage.

What you think?

Okay, Calvin, I know that you've had

a lot of time on your hands

since selling the shop, but

you got to stop watching daytime TV.

How about you just get out the house?

Do something.

Babe, I'm doing things.

I got plenty of stuff to do.

My schedule is jam-packed.

Alexa, what's on my calendar tomorrow?

At 03:00 p.m., you have a haircut.

Hmm? Didn't you get a haircut yesterday?

Yes, Tina. I'm a very hairy man.

Well, how about you

go out and play some golf?

Well, all my friends work.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

No, no, no, baby. I just

I don't think it's very healthy

for a man to stay at home all day,

or his wife might k*ll him.

Oh! I just watched

a Lifetime movie about that.

You know, the lady

got away with it, too.

Okay.

Oh, Tina, we can't take all your paella.

Please take it.

It'll really help my marriage.

Ooh, look, Dave wants some.

He's drooling.

Nah, it's from the dentist.

I'm still numb.

Here, sweetie, clean yourself up.

So, has it been hard for Calvin

having all this free time?

Hard for me. He's driving me crazy.

He's always here.

He watches my shows before I do

and then spoils the endings.

You know, I finally

just sent him to Ernie's bar

to give away some of this paella.

And there's this much left?

You feel my pain.

Ooh.

Mama! Oh. Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Did a box come for me today?

Oh, yeah, it's right over there.

Um, why did you have it sent here?

I didn't want Malcolm to see it.

It's a longsword

for my Arthurian groom-posal.

It's a what for the what what?

I'm gonna ask Malcolm to be my best man.

And then slay him?

Marty's doing a grooms-posal.

They're like prom-posals,

but for your groomsmen.

Yeah, back when I did mine,

society thought

they were only for bridesmaids.

Then I rode into my friend Bobby's yard

on that horse, shirtless.

I broke barriers

for groomsmen everywhere.

I'm

I'm-I'm gonna go "shirt on."

But I do want Malcolm to be blown away.

So, uh, Marty, got all your

groomsmen picked out already?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, i It's only four of us.

It's Malcolm, my two

best friends from college,

and my play cousin Daniel.

S-So he's not even

- a real cousin, huh?

- David

Dave, let it go.

You're not in the wedding.

Stop being so thirsty.

Oh, sh**t. Ernie's k*lling it

at cornhole. He's undefeated.

Hey, Calvin,

do you want me to embarrass

you next or should I

crush Trey as a warm-up?

Also, no outside food.

Oh.

It's paella. I brought you some.

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Winning burns a lot of calories.

Ernie, I haven't seen

you lose in a week.

You juicing?

Nah. No, man. No, no, no.

I'm just the best holder

anyone's seen this side of the 405.

Probably the other side, too.

There's just

too much traffic to be sure.

You bragging about

throwing beanbags in a hole?

Sound like somebody's scared.

Ooh, I'm terrified.

What's the next challenge Hopscotch?

Or maybe Candy Land?

Calvin, just whup his ass

and shut him up.

Man. Hey.

I-It's ridiculous, man.

This requires no skills.

I mean, anybody could do it.

Watch.

Ha-ha!

Reminds me of the time

we played mini-golf

and you hit that old lady.

It was a bank sh*t off her walker.

I still made par.

Ah.

Okay.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Close, close, but no cigar.

All right, this ain't over.

All right, here we go.

Yeah!

Oh!

Boom, baby! In your face!

Okay, Calvin. All right.

If you feeling so cocky,

then why don't you

play in the tournament?

Mm, nah, I'm good.

Uh-huh. Uh, I-I forgot You retired.

You too busy sitting on the front porch

in a rocking chair.

Ooh!

You know what? I'm in.

And for your information, it's a glider!

All right. Well, good luck, Calvin.

Good luck. Oh, did you see

the gallery of champions?

They all look a lot like me, don't they?

You know, I forget about

the year you had the toupee.

It's called a hair unit.

Hold on.

Oh, my God!

Marty, what is going on?

Malcolm Langston Butler,

first of his name,

you are hereby commanded to pull

the sword from yon stone.

Only the true best man

can such a feat achieve.

What?

If thou wouldst be the best man,

thou must pull the very

expensive custom-engraved sword

from yonder stone.

Okay, Marty, obviously

I am going to be your best man.

Uh, did you say "wouldst"?

What does that even mean?

I don't know, man.

Can you just play along?

No, I said I'm in, Marty, okay?

I-I'm doing all the best man stuff.

I went to the cake tasting,

we went soup shopping.

Okay, if-if you're not into this,

maybe I'll ask somebody else.

Marty, I'm your only brother.

Who else would you ask

to be your best man?

Derek.

Derek? Derek has no personality.

He's a board game friend.

You have to be distracted

just to hang out with him.

Well, Derek would have pulled the sword

from the stone by now, man.

Well, 'cause Derek is a dork!

Great. You tell him that to his face

when he takes your role as the best man.

Wha

From the shadows you come

and to the shadows I bid you return.

Almost had it.

Don't flatter yourself.

You weren't even close.

You're pulling your left shoulder.

Thanks a lot, Gemma.

But a lot of those bags went in the hole

before you broke my concentration

by sneaking up on me.

Okay, you want to keep missing,

keep doing it your way.

Or you could square up a bit

and add a little arc to your toss,

like this.

Damn, woman, you can hole.

Where'd you learn to play like that?

There wasn't a lot to do

in Hickory Corners.

All we had was corn.

Either you ate it or you threw it.

Or the crows got it.

On a bad day, all three could happen.

So, you used to play with corn?

Did you not have Barbie dolls?

Crows got 'em.

That's why I became so good at cornhole.

Uh, w-wait, wait.

I want to learn how to play.

Cornhole isn't something you learn.

It's something you become.

When I holed,

I gave myself fully to the game.

I'd expect you to do the same.

- I'm ready.

- No.

No, you're not.

But you will be.

Forget everything you think

you know about cornhole.

I literally know nothing.

Raw clay. I like it.

Derek?

- Derek is gonna be your best man?

- Yes, Mom.

Help me remember

Did I carry Derek in my womb?

I think you know you did not.

Then Derek should not be your best man.

Calvin, back me up.

Listen to your mama, boy.

Ooh! Four in a row!

Calvin!

What? I'm folding the laundry.

Thanks for noticing.

Stop playing games and help me

talk some sense into this boy.

Uh, Marty, if you want your

brother to be your best man,

you should ask him like a normal person.

I'm sure he'll say yes.

Well, he did say yes.

That's not the point, Daddy.

He disrespected my process.

Listen, baby,

when you look back on your wedding

years from now

you're gonna want to have

those memories with your brother.

Calvin, what the hell are you doing?!

I'm emptying the dishwasher.

Apparently, I have to do

everything around here.

That was going in.

I mean, it is nonstop, Trey.

One ridiculous wedding event

after another,

a-and the groom-posal was insane.

There was a rock, there was a sword,

and then there was a suit of armor.

So, he did all that just

to ask you to be his best man?

Yes. I mean, it's ridiculous, right?

Tell me I'm wrong.

- You're wrong.

- Thank you.

Wait, what?

I'm just saying, Marty went through

all that trouble to make you

feel loved and appreciated,

and you went and acted like a jackass.

I did not.

Word on the street is you

were a total jackass to Marty.

I said yes to Marty, okay?

Look, maybe I wasn't as

nice as I could have been

Okay, I-I don't care. Uh

Are you now bumped down

to regular groomsman

or or are you out out,

and now there's an opening?

Well, I can't be completely

out of the wedding, Dave.

Uh, I mean, look, I got to do something.

Marty's a big baby,

but he is my baby brother.

You're right. You're a good brother.

Damn it.

So, what do I do?

Malcolm, go to him.

Yeah, but you got to do it right.

After what you did,

you need to go all the way. Yeah.

Meaning I got to

completely humiliate myself?

No, no, not at all.

Now, let's talk tunics and tights.

Oh

You do know there's nothing

in your hand, right?

Of course, babe.

The tournament is tonight.

I can't risk injury.

Hey, Tina, would you do me the honor

of shagging my bags this evening?

Do what now?

I forgot, you don't speak hole.

It means retrieving my bags.

I just need to concentrate

on my throwing.

Alexa, is it windy in Pasadena tonight?

Hello, Cornhole King.

This evening in Pasadena, California,

it's breezy at 14.2 miles per hour.

Hmm.

I'm gonna have to adjust

my arc for the wind.

Did you actually program Alexa

to call you Cornhole King?

Yes. And trust me,

it's starting to catch on.

Uh, you know, Calvin, I know I

encouraged you to get out of the house

and find something to do,

but don't you think

that maybe you're taking

this Cornhole thing

a little too seriously?

Don't be ridiculous.

Calvin, bombaye!

Calvin, bomba

Did you people not see Ali?

Calvin, bombaye!

Calvin, bombaye! Calvin, bombaye!

Go, babe!

It's all right, my man.

You can tell your grandkids

you got b*at by Calvin Butler.

Go on, now.

Calvin, let's talk management.

What are you celebrating?

You haven't won anything yet.

I just took the semis.

Finish the job!

Sorry, Calvin.

You've had your fun,

but your little lucky streak

ends here. This is my house.

Yeah, that's because

you lost your real house

in your last divorce.

True.

But not you or my other exes or the IRS

can take cornhole from me.

Don't you worry, Calvin Butler.

I'll keep the trophy here.

You can come see it whenever you want.

Oh. Uh, I'm gonna see it every night

'cause it'll be in my bedroom.

The hell it will.

Hey, uh, shag girl,

you're messing up my trash talk.

Hedwig?!

"Your presence is requested

in Mother and Father's yard

"at the stroke of 9:00.

Yours, magically, Alan Dumbledore."

It's Albus, but okay.

Who dares approacheth my lair?

You invited me, Dumbledore.

Yes, right.

Approacheth, Grayskull Legolas.

You are mixing so many different things,

but I love it!

When I cast this spell,

you will no longer remember that

I was dickish unto thee.

And you will once again welcome me back

as your best friend,

your best brother and

your best man.

Kombucha!

Yes. A thousand times yes.

This is unbelievably tense.

It is?

They're tied. They've gone

bag-for-bag this whole round.

The next hole wins.

Ooh, and then we're done?

Oh. Hey, hey.

You hear that, Calvin?

That hole is calling my name.

Ooh!

Yeah. Oh, I hear it now.

And it's saying,

"You're in second place, sucker."

Time out. Time out, time out.

Calvin, his bag

is teetering over the edge.

It's air mail time.

- Air mail?

- Yes.

We practiced this.

No, we didn't.

We didn't? Crap.

Okay.

You've got to arc high. Crazy high.

Higher than you've ever

arced in your life.

Your bag's got to come straight down

through that hole without

taking Ernie's bag in with it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Delay of game.

Okay, hey, I'm tossing.

I'm tossing, man.

Okay.

Yes! We did it! We're awesome!

Suck it, loser!

Hey, uh, good game, Calvin.

- Yeah, that felt pretty good.

- Oh,

need to take your picture for the wall.

Oh, not without my shag girl.

Nah, I'm good.

Hey, that was, uh

that was some fine holing, Calvin.

Yeah. Maybe the best I've ever seen.

- It was fun.

- Yeah, it was.

Oh, it doesn't have to be over.

See, there's a doubles circuit.

We can take this act

on the road as a team.

There is a tournament

next weekend in Reno.

- Now, the way I figure

- Look, sorry, Ernie.

I mean, since I sold the

shop, I have been looking

for something to be

passionate about, but

this is your thing, man. All right?

I'm still searching for mine.

Mm. You'll find it, baby.

Hey, you-you sure about that, Calvin?

Very. But you

You go out there and give 'em hell.

Hey!

I'll do it.

I'll go with you, Ernie. Reno!

Reno!

Hey,

- you drive stick?

- Yeah.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah, you do.

Hey, hey! You're not going to Reno.

You're a wife, a mother and a principal.

Okay, Gemma,

uh, go home, all right? Go on, now.

Go.

Something is definitely wrong with her.

David Seymour Johnson,

first of his name, come forth.

Oh, my God.

Is this happening?

The maiden Necie hath decreed

that the size of her bridal

party will increase by one.

Her cousin Keisha will be joining us

from the Woods of Ingle.

Huh?

Keisha from Inglewood.

Wilst thou do me the most high honor

of joining the Groom's Watch?

Wedding is coming.

T'would be my honor, your grace.

With thy very knee

I bendeth like Beckham.

Macchiato!