01x06 - Bed Bugs

[bunniefuu]

Hmm...

DJ, Cynthia, and Chris.

CHRIS: Nice. I would go

with Jen for her athleticism,

Cynthia because she's seen stuff,

and Keeran because of his eagerness

to repopulate the earth.

- KEERAN: Thank you, man!
- WAYNE: Couldn't help notice

you both forgot old Waynester
for your zombie apocalypse teams.

- You would be the first to die.
- Totally.

WAYNE: Seriously?

The swords on my bedroom wall
are not just for decoration.

Cynthia, you'd pick me, right?

No offence, Wayne,
but you are lazy and unreliable.

Only at work!

CYNTHIA: I would go...

Chris, Jen, and DJ.

JEN: Huh...
Cynthia, Chris, Wayne for me.

Thank you! See,

Jen knows how to survive
a zombie apocalypse.

I thought we were playing f*ck,
marry, k*ll.

- Aw, come on!
- DJ: Listen up, team.

Nadia Albesu from the Korverton Crier

will be coming in to
write a profile on us.

- KEERAN: What?
- WAYNE: Nadia Albesu. The kingmaker

and grim reaper of small businesses.

Yeah, she once ran
a scathing four-page review

on Needle Scratch Records just
because no one greeted her

when she entered the store.

Two weeks later, they were closed.

So let's all put our
best foot forward today.

I was hoping to take a long lunch

so I could teach hot yoga.

CYNTHIA: Yeah,
and I need to leave early tonight

for my daughter's play.

Oh, and I have a date tonight.
What should I wear?

We're going to my basement!

DJ: Look, I know we all have
commitments outside of OMT,

but today I need you all to step up

and be on your best behaviour.

WAYNE: Okay, no thinking...

who's gonna be on your
zombie apocalypse team? Go.

Uh, Cynthia, Jen, Chris.

Wow, I really tried
to say "Wayne" there,

but my brain wouldn't allow it.

You know what?
Don't come crawlin' to old Wayneroni

when you need a superior
linguist to negotiate

trade deals with warring
encampments, okay?

Don't worry, we won't!

♪

[PHONE RINGING]

OMT, Keeran speaking.

Yeah, I remember you.

I'll keep an eye out. Thanks.

Get this...
some prankster just called to say

that he traded in items
that may have bedbugs.

Hilarious, right?

Keeran, what are you saying?

Bedbugs are very real.

No, they're not. They're just fantasy!

Like from that nursery rhyme,

"Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite."

Oh my God!

Are bedbugs really that bad?

JEN: Ugh...

[SHUDDERS]

[CREEPY MUSIC]

The year was 2019.

I flew to Vancouver for a javelin meet.

We got in after an
extremely long flight.

Layovers... delays...

emergency landing in Red Deer,
Alberta...

WAYNE: Isn't every landing
in Red Deer an emergency?

When we finally arrived,

I yearned for a good night's rest.

Little did I know,
that's when they feed.

They were in your... bed?

Oh, no, Keeran...

I was in theirs.

[CREEPY MUSIC SWELLS]

- We gotta tell DJ!
- Uh-uh!

He's got enough on his plate.

If the guy said that
there may be bedbugs,

- then there also may not be.
- Smart!

We should toss everything
from that trade-in to be safe.

Okay, don't tell anyone, okay?

Don't tell anyone!

Tell anyone what?

- [SOUND OF JACKHAMMERING]
- They couldn't have picked a worse day

to fix that pothole.

Last time,
they hit a pipe and cut our water off.

What if it happens again and
Nadia needs to wash her hands?

Or poop? She'll eviscerate us.

I better put out more hand sanitizer.

- Smart idea.
- What up.

Got garbage. Need cash. Now!

Nat, no. What are you doing here?

Some guy left all this stuff
in the back of my chauffeur

and he didn't tip me, so...

[CHUCKLES] I'm trading it all in.

No, no, no, today's not a good day.
We're gonna be featured

in the chronicles of... Nadia!

- Hello!
- Hi.

Hi. Welcome.

I'm DJ, manager of One More Time sports.

So nice to have you here. Huge fan!

- Oh!
- Huge fan.

Let me introduce you to our staff.

First up, we have Keeran.

Don't touch me! Nobody touch me!

Uh, he was a bubble boy.

He just got out. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

- Hmm!
- Next up, we have...

WAYNE: Greetings. Wayne Williamson.

Longest-tenured employee.

If DJ's the head of OMT,
then I would be the vertebral column

holding everything upright.

Also, I can scamper up a tree
in a matter of seconds, so...

And that was Wayne! You've met Wayne.

- He's a hoot.
- Oh?

Jen! Jen Hauser. You're gonna love Jen.

DJ, I'm a little... hot!

In here... It is hot in here!

- Um, hi.
- Hi.

- Jen Hauser. So nice to meet you.
- You, too.

Yo, dickweed,
why is there nobody at trade-ins?

- Is this another employee?
- NAT: Oh my God, ew.

No, I'd never work here, ever.

Are you kidding?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] You'll
have to excuse my sister.

She gets carried away sometimes
with fun family banter.

NAT: Family banter? Ew!

DJ: Uh, let me show you
the great wall of skates!

Come on over! They're right over here.

[INAUDIBLE]

[QUIETLY] What? I didn't... shut up!

DJ: Pretty cool, huh?

[JACKHAMMERING]

- JEN: Okay, cleats?
- CHRIS: Check.

- Batting gloves?
- Check.

Jockstrap? Ugh!

Keeran, how many times do
I have to explain to you?

We don't accept used jockstraps!

The guy said he always showered
before and after he used them!

Looks like we got everything
from the transaction

except for one item marked
"miscellaneous."

Yeah, 'cause there's still one item

that I can't remember the code.

Well, what was it?

Uh, I'm blanking.

Think, Keeran, think!

Hey, what's going on over here?

- Nothing!
- Why do you ask?

I took a bad trade-in,

and I think the store
might have bedbugs!

CYNTHIA: [GASPS] Keeran!

Ooh, oww! Augh... ouch!

JEN: I'm literally gonna spew.

- Ugh! What?!
- Don't worry.

We tossed all the
potentially infested items.

Almost all.

There is still the
one miscellaneous item

that I can't remember.

Well, let's just pray that

Keeran didn't take in a mattress!

In the meantime, let's just stay calm

until we know more!

Whoa, whoa, you guys
are scratching yourselves

at the same time! We're gonna die!

JEN: No. No, no, no.

Bedbugs can get into your brain

as much as they get into your body.

Maybe because it's psychosomatic.

Let's check!

- Oh, no bites?
- Yeah, no bites.

- [RELIEVED LAUGHTER]
- Keeran, let's see?

- [SOMEONE GASPS]
- [CREEPY MUSIC]

It's just a zit, I promise!
It's just a zit, guys, please!

I'm a teen,
and they happen in the darndest places!

Keeran...

lift up your shirt...

No, there's customers everywhere!

Keeran, lift up your shirt!

False alarm, right?

- [ALL GASP]
- [CREEPY MUSIC SWELLS]

[SCREAMS]

Did you hear something?
Like a sharp scream?

You know, high pitches aren't my forte.

But honestly, it was probably a customer

excited about our low, low prices.

Happens more often than you'd think.

But if you'll excuse me,
I should go let 'em know

about our deal on, uh... snorkels!

Used snorkels?

That's disgusting.

You're quarantining me?

It's for your own good... and ours.

We need to clear the store
before customers find out.

DJ: All I asked was that we
be on our best behaviour.

Now you got me over there pretending
I didn't hear something that I did hear.

That's bad luck. What's going on?

Keeran's got bedbugs.

In fact, we might have...

an outbreak.

[CREEPY MUSIC]

I never thought this could happen.

CHRIS: Really?

In a used sporting goods store?

I'm the only one bit!
Why can't I just leave?

DJ: Absolutely not.
We can't let those monsters

loose in the community.

Jen, Chris, get everyone out of here.

Cynthia, call an exterminator.

I'll wrap up this interview with Nadia

and send her off before she clues in.

Do you need help with Nadia?
Because we could tag-team her.

What do you want me to do, boss?

Wayne!

Uh, you can go on break.

Stop sidelining me! I have value!

WAYNE: Unbelievable!

- You guys got it?
- Got it. Let's go!

KEERAN:
We'll get through this together, guys!

Okay, you, time to go!
You, lucky day, follow me!

Hey, if you wouldn't mind just
coming right this way with me!

Both of you! Alright, thank you!

CYNTHIA: Hi, is this the Critter Gitter?

Uh, how soon can you... can you gitter?

- What?!
- That's right,

none of the hockey stuff is for sale.

Thank you so much. Move along.

Don't touch those skis!

Don't touch the fabric!
Thank you so much!

- Take care!
- Uh, yeah, we're closed

for a lesser-known holiday,
but please come again.

And, uh, be careful of the pothole!
It's a big one.

Hey, Guido.

Is "the exterminator"
still cleaning up messes?

Just human corpses?

Yeah, okay, not today.

Thank you, take care.
Say hi to your wife.

DJ: And that's why our customers...

we're just going this way right here...

are more than just customers,

- they're family.
- Mm-hm.

Wow, this has been really terrific.

If you have any other questions,
feel free to call me.

Oh, I'm not done.
I cleared my whole day for this.

Your whole day?
For a simple, little profile?

- Is that necessary?
- I take my job very seriously.

I went to Columbia.

When I write a story,
I cover all the angles.

Every dirty detail.

[LOUD BOOM AND ELECTRICAL ZAP]

[CREEPY MUSIC]

Good thing you can't
see dirt in the dark.

Oh, I can.

Of course you can.

CYNTHIA: Oh!

Nadia's in the office.
I closed the blinds

and threw on some classical music.

If she's anything like me,
it'll both bore and confuse her.

Okay, well,
every exterminator I called is busy.

One guy said he'll come when he can.

If I had a dime...

DJ: In the meantime, the Internet says

there are steps we can take
to mitigate this ourselves.

Well, how long is that gonna take?

I've got training!

- Yoga!
- Daughter's play!

I know we all have somewhere
we'd rather be, okay?

But the store is on life support!

She needs mouth-to-mouth,
and I need all the mouths

- I can get.
- What?

I'll lead the bedbug charge,

but I need someone to distract Nadia.

Uh, dibs! Shotgun! Me! I'll do it!

- DJ: Thanks, Jen.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, Chris, Cynthia,
we need to go around the store

and toss everything Keeran touched.

KEERAN: Great plan!
Should we bring it in?

Three, two... One More Time!

[DRILL BUZZING]

KEERAN:
[MUFFLED] Is this really necessary?

Pardon?

Is this really necessary?

Sorry, squirt.
It's for the good of the store.

- [BANGING]
- I've got a date!

CYNTHIA: Not anymore you don't!

And while you're in there,
try to remember

that miscellaneous item.

KEERAN: Aw...

In the meantime...

we've got some bugs to blast.

[FUNKY SUPERHERO MUSIC]

♪

DJ: Wait...
did we check this gear for bugs?

CYNTHIA: Oh, sweet Jesus!
Oh my God, okay!

Hold on, hold on...

[NERVOUS MUTTERING]

DJ: I'm good. You good?

CHRIS: I'm good.

CYNTHIA: I'm good, too. Right, guys?

Guys?

[CREEPY MUSIC]

No, please!

You're gonna be okay, Cynth.

No! Please! I will give you anything!

Oh, not dental... can't do that.

[DOOR SLAMS]

KEERAN: Well, hello, Cynthia.

[CREEPY VOICE] Welcome to our new home.

- [SKITTERING SOUND]
- What's that, beddy-bugs?

You think she's gonna like it here?

- [SKITTERING SOUND]
- Me, too!

[CREEPY MUSIC]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

DJ: We gotta get outta these clothes.

- [MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
- Get me outta here!

Somebody!

Somebody...

[FUNKY SUPERHERO MUSIC]

[CHRIS GROWLS]

[ROARS]

Is there nowhere else we can conduct

- the rest of this interview?
- Oh...

This is the most comfortable spot.
[CHUCKLES]

So, when's DJ coming back?

Um... uh, I'm not sure.
He's just always managing.

But I'd be happy to answer
any of your questions.

That's okay, I'll wait.

How long have I worked here?

Three years. Do I enjoy it? Sure do.

Is it hard juggling a retail
job with Olympic training?

- Sure is.
- Olympic training?

Oh, yeah,
I'm just going to the Olympics.

Whatever, it's no big deal.

Now, that's an angle.

Tell me everything.

[TRIUMPHANT CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Let me outta here!

I am very important!

[SIGHS] Dammit!

I can't believe I am missing my
daughter's play because of bugs.

I cancelled my date.

But that's okay because
I have a new one now.

- Oh...
- Cynthia?

Meet... Wilson.

Oh! Huh, very good.
You're doing cast away.

What's cast away?

See, Wilson,
I had big plans for my other date.

We were gonna see the world.

And maybe even dry hump!

But now, we can do that.

He's gonna hump things!
Get me outta here!

Only one apocalypse team
worth joining, anyway...

Team Wayne Train.

[m*llitary MUSIC]

♪

Gotta stop 'em...

before their next blood meal.

DJ: I can't believe bedbugs
don't like peppermint.

It is delightful!

[COUGHS] I can already feel the nicotine

destroying the bugs' nervous system.

Yeah, I can feel it destroying
your nervous system, too.

Maybe we just... skip that step.

And hey, dude,
I don't wanna jinx anything,

but I haven't seen any bugs.

Neither of us have been bitten. Maybe...

We're in the clear?

We're in the clear!

- What's that?
- What's that?

- Did you just get bitten?
- No, man!

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I've been bit this whole time.

- Oh, dude, what the f*ck?!
- I-I-I'm sorry, man!

But I...
I can't be confined to that room!

I'm a free-range chicken!

[m*llitary MUSIC]

It has been an honour serving with you.

DJ: Such an honour.
Yeah, okay. There you go.

Alright.

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- Ho... ly... sh*t.

What's going on here?

Nat! You're still here!

Yeah, I was waiting at trade-ins forever

and nobody came,
so I took a nap in the break room.

That sounds nice.

DJ, why are you wearing that?

That's... [LAUGHS]

Oh my gosh, wait, I've seen this before.

- Mm-hm?
- The garbage bag clothes...

- Don't say it.
- The peppermint smell...

The fear in your eyes...
Does OMT have bedbugs?!

- Shut up!
- Ew, DJ, that's so gross!

Is this where you're
quarantining everybody?

That's ridicu...

No, actually, Jen got a puppy, though.

- Really?!
- So cute, you're gonna love it.

- Aw, how old is it?
- So cute...

- He's wagging his little tail.
- Ahh, DJ!

- CYNTHIA: Hold the door!
- [DOOR SHUTS]

[LAUGHS]

Well, you live quite the life.

- Mm-hm!
- [MUFFLED BANGING]

CYNTHIA: [MUFFLED] Get me outta here!

Um... hmm! Mm-hm!

[TURNS UP CLASSICAL MUSIC]

You know, full disclosure, I've just...

I've always had a thing for athletes.

Oh, yeah?

Sorry, that is so unprofessional.

No, please.

Hey, um...

Wanna feel my throwing arm?

Yeah, that's... oh, she's nice.

DJ: Okay! Interview time.

- Where were we?
- Um...

I... I think I have everything I need.

- [JEN CHUCKLES]
- DJ: Oh, okay.

[LAUGHS] Although I would
love to grab your number

just in case, you know,
I have any follow-up questions

about the store.

DJ: Yeah, our number's online if you...

Oh.

- [EXHALES LOUDLY]
- [HEROIC MUSIC]

I'm here to drink bubble
tea and squash bugs...

and I'm all out of bubble tea.

♪

Mommy's not gonna make it
to your play tonight, baby!

[CRYING] I'm so sorry!

VIRGINIA: [PHONE] Okay, great! Bye!

[SOBBING]

CHRIS: Aahhh!

KEERAN: Wilson! [SOBBING]

I loved her too hard!

I was promised a puppy!

- [KEERAN CRYING]
- [DIAL TONE]

♪ Hush little baby,
don't say a word... ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you
a mockingbird... ♪

[SOBBING]

Where did everyone go?

Uh, we close midday for siesta.

Yeah, part of our health
and wellbeing initiative.

You know, the Spanish get it.

Well, I don't usually like
to give anything away,

but I think you will be...

very pleased... with this article.

You know what? This is ridiculous.

- [MOANING]
- NAT: Look at you.

You're all in here losing your friggin'
marbles, and for what?

Sheeple, all of you!

Staying in here, why,
just 'cause DJ told you to?

And because the door is locked.

You know what? I say nay. DJ?
It's not up to him, okay?

What makes him the boss anyways?

It's literally his job title.

Too long has DJ benefited
from your hard work.

Too long has DJ taken your commissions!

We don't even get commission...

Too long has DJ said to you, "sorry?
One more time?"

- Right?
- NAT: You know what I think?

I think maybe DJ has had his time.

I think maybe DJ is out of time.

Now, who's with me?

[LOUDLY] I said, who's with me?!

- Yeah!
- Viva la revolución!

You're getting outta here!

[ALL CHEERING]

Let's go!

- Oh.
- Ooh...

Well, this has been an absolute plea...

[LOUD BANG]

NAT: Your tyranny ends now, DJ!

- CYNTHIA: Get him!
- KEERAN: Wait for me!

What is going on here?

I assure you, nothing is going on.

Locking us up won't rid
the store of bedbugs,

you champagne-swilling plutocrat!

Bedbugs?

Now, that's an angle!

Hey! I... I can't let you leave!

Why not?

The bedbug story would ruin OMT.

Also, you've been bitten.

[HORRIFIED GASPING]

I have been to 75 different countries.

I have stayed in terrible conditions.

I have had malaria, typhoid fever,

and diarrhoea for weeks...

and that was just in Binghamton,
New York!

But never have I had bedbugs!

Well, you can thank Keeran for that!

Hey! How do we know it
wasn't in the baseball gear

- Nat brought in?
- Are you kidding me?

I'm not the one sitting
here bragging about

visiting 75 different countries.

Please, it was obviously from
Carmen Sandiego over there.

Enough! Enough.

Pointing fingers is pointless.

We need to stop the infestation.

CHRIS: Hmm.

There is one thing we didn't try.

[AIR VENTS ROARING]

CHRIS:
If we hit 50 degrees for 90 minutes,

all the bugs and their eggs will die.

Do we have to be inside for this?

Oh, they could be hiding
in crevasses in our bodies.

[IN A WHISPER] We gotta be sure!

Wait, like, in our buttholes?!

- NADIA: Oh my God...
- CYNTHIA: Hey, guys?

In case I die from heat,
I have gotta confess...

I didn't wanna go to my daughter's play.

She just doesn't have "it," you know?

Does that make me a terrible mom?

No, I'm terrible.

Sometimes when I meditate,

I wish ill will on people
who say "shedule"

instead of "schedule."

I didn't have a date!

I made it up to seem cool!

We knew.

We knew that.

NAT: This brings me back to
my days of Gonzo journalism.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Now I just write puff pieces.

Hmm, must have been a
really difficult compromise,

especially having
graduated from Columbia.

Pretty and smart.

[GIGGLES] You wanna hear a secret?

[IN A WHISPER] Yeah.

I never went to Columbia University.

I went to Colombia, the country,

and I never corrected people
when they assumed the school.

Huh.

I actually never graduated
from journalism...

at all.

Wow.

What a vulnerable thing to share.

Hey, Nadia?

- Oh... kay!
- [JEN SIGHS]

Just circling back to see if
there's anything I can offer you

for you to keep this under wraps?

Perhaps a skate sharpening card...

with all the holes punched?

- No.
- KEERAN: Punching card?

Punch holes...! Punching bag!

The miscellaneous item
was a punching bag!

WAYNE: That's the nest!

- [LOUD CRASH]
- WAYNE: Oof!

JEN: Wayne?!

[GROANING AND COUGHING]

JEN: Are you okay?

There's no time for any questions.

Where is it?

[HEROIC MUSIC]

JEN: Oh, come on!

[SCREAMING]

CYNTHIA: That was the mother lode!

CHRIS: I wouldn't have touched that...

DJ: Damn, Wayne, that was...

really brave!

CYNTHIA:
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse,

you are on my team.

[ALL AGREEING]

KEERAN: Love you, Wayne.

Yeah, that's cute,
but I'm not interested.

I fly solo.

MAN: Hey, uh,
someone call an exterminator?

Wayne, is that you?

DJ: You guys know each other?

Oh, yeah, Wayne's a regular.

He's got the worst luck with bedbugs.

Fortunately,
they don't bite him, though.

Might be his blood type.

Or maybe they find him unpalatable,
like the ladies do.

Am I right, buddy?

So, you weren't actually brave?

You just knew they wouldn't bite you!

CYNTHIA: You...

are off my apocalypse team!

WAYNE: What?!

No! There's no take-backs.

I rejected you first!

Well, it's still courageous
to embed myself amongst them.

DJ: Hey, team.

Thanks for all your efforts today.

Uh, for what it's worth,

those efforts made no difference at all.

DJ: Well, anyway, I appreciate it.

KEERAN: We didn't really have a choice.

Yeah.

You locked us in the
skate sharpening room!

[MATERIAL CRINKLING]

CHRIS: Don't you need a shock blanket?

It's a sign of weakness.

DJ, thanks for today.

- Really? You're not mad?
- Oh, I'm furious.

But I'm thankful for the cover story.

Please don't write about the bedbugs.

It'll destroy the store.

The people need to know.

Do the people need to
know that you're a fraud?

- What?!
- Yeah, that's right.

If you print that, I will have
no choice but to tell everyone

that you didn't go to Columbia.

Or any journalism school,
for that matter.

I told you that in confidence!

I thought we had something.

Baby, we do!

But I can't let you
close down our store.

Uh... well...

hmph!

[MATERIAL CRINKLING]

Still gonna call me, though, right?

Hmph!

Jen, did you just defy all rom-com logic

and choose the job over the girl?

Yeah...

I'm starting to think I love
this place as much as you do.

Pfft.

That's impossible.

NAT: Hey!
This is what freedom looks like, sickos!

♪

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