03x06 - My Funny Valentine

[bunniefuu]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: There was a time when

the biggest decision a boy
had to make on Valentine's Day

was whether to go with the
He-man or the Spiderman cards.

But I was a teenager now, and like me,

my valentines had matured.

Oh, "you're one Foxy
lady, be my Valentine."

Well, now!

- Mom, a little privacy.
- She'll love it.

I have some for my other friends.

I know.

But this is a special one.

Oh! You packed your own lunch?

I'm not a baby anymore.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Did the mail come?

Pop, they're in alphabetical order!

- What?
- Stop...

MARY: No, the mail did not come today,

so you're just gonna have to wait.

Wait?

That's like playing a game
of Russian roulette at my age.

Won't be mail any time soon.
The post office is on strike.

Damn pinko posties!

I mean, I need my cheque!

Well, your breakfast is free, hm?

I mean, if they're on
strike, I'm on strike.

I'm going back to bed.

Mike! Breakfast.

Mark's been doing his Valentine's cards.

Did you remember yours?

Oh! That reminds me, I ran into Yim Lee.

Terrible news.

Who's that?

When your father and
I were first married,

we lived over a Chinese
restaurant on Water Street.

Lovely couple. Hm. What's wrong?

He's opening a new
location down the road,

and he's invited us
there tomorrow night,

the whole family.

Oh, that's wonderful!

For you! I hate restaurants.

- Oh.
- And it's the grand opening.

Whole place is gonna be packed!

Aw, it's a date, on Valentine's Day!

Oh, Mike.

Ah, I suppose there's
no getting out of it now.

Yim's been good to us.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, for the love of God!

[PICKS UP PHONE] Hello?

Mark, it's for you.

It's Cara.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:Cara!

Protestant Princess.

The most exotic person I knew.

And even though she had kicked
my ass on regional television,

I was inexplicably drawn to her,

like Mr. Chafe to a
can of Vienna sausages.

- Uh, hello?
- CARA: [PHONE] Hi.

So, I was thinking, I want
you to be my Valentine.

Tomorrow's Friday.

We should do something.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I'd never
said no to a girl before.

I'd never said yes either, but still.

Uh, wow!

Your... your Valentine?

Uh, that is quite the offer.

Uh, thank you.

You see, my family and I are
going out for dinner, so I...

Then it's a date.

Talk later...

Valentine.

[DIAL TONE]

[HANGS UP PHONE]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Cupid's
arrow had sh*t me in the foot.

I thought you already had a Valentine.

- Mom! Privacy!
- Hm!

Breakfast.

Should be able to eat a
lot with two faces, hm?

I've lost my appetite.

I'm going to school.

MIKE SR: Breaking news!

Late last night, early this morning,

negotiations with the postal
workers' union broke off

with government hoping to
"stamp out" an uprising.

They told the union the
"cheque is in the mail,"

but neither rain, nor sleet,
nor snow will keep the posties

from coming back to the table.

Mike Critch, the VOCM News service.

Hey, Dad, we need the room.

We're gettin' a photo for the new

VO Magic Morning billboard.

Where's d*ck?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Looks great, d*ck.

What looks great?

The... you... [CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY]

Am I, uh, still taking
the photo, or, uh...

No, Gertie, that'll do. Thank you.

Yeah.

What's all this about?

I'm shagged, Mike, b'y.

Mr. Murphy is practically
giving my show to your youngster.

You know what that means.

I'm slipping down the dial.

First it's mornings,

then the afternoon drive, then oldies...

Then fired!

You're not wrong.

- What?
- I mean, don't worry about it.

Oh, c'mon, Mike, b'y.

I'm gonna be 40 soon.

Look, d*ck, we're all gettin' older.

Maybe it's just time you started to...

Act your age.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪

[GUITAR SOLO]

♪

- MARY: Ah, here.
- Thank you.

Thanks for coming over, Suzanne.

I just don't know what to
do with myself these days!

Young Mike's always working,

and Mark don't want
to be anywhere near me.

And his father is just
too stressed to talk to.

It's like nobody needs me anymore.

Did my cheque come?

Will you frig off?
I'm talking to Suzanne!

- Oh.
- [BOTH MUTTERING GREETINGS]

Ever since my ex moved, I...

I've been having a hard
time making ends meet.

I had to take another job.

Oh, sin. What are you doing now?

I'm a scab down to the post office.

Well, what do you do?

Well, it's just sorting mail.

Sometimes they get me to deliver it.

It's just a couple of hours a
day until the strike is over.

Jeez, girl, Mary girl.

They're always looking for fill-ins.

Why don't you come down
with me and sign up?

Oh, I don't know, girl.

I mean, what about the ones on strike?

Isn't that bad?

Oh, well...

You know, the way I looks at it,

if there weren't scabs...
Replacement workers...

Then they'd be forced
to go back to work.

I mean, you'd be
supporting their cause...

From the inside.

I don't know, pop.

Oh!

I mean, you know what your trouble is?

You are co-dependent.

- What?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't. I saw it on Donahue.

Because you give and
you give and you give.

But you can't set yourself on fire

just to keep other
people warm. Take the job!

Say goodbye to "Mom."

Say hello to "Mary" again!

You are right.

That crowd would be lucky to have me!

- Yeah!
- I'm gonna do it.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ah, good!

Oh... and, uh, listen,

while you're down there,

would you look for my cheque?

RITCHE: So, let me get this straight.

You have not one, but
two girlfriends now?

You've gone full Archie Andrews!

Look, it's not like that.

Cara and Fox are just...

Two friends who happen to be girls.

They both have feelings for you.

Your point being?

You need to be honest with them.

I know, I...

I like them both.

And they both seem to like me.

And I really like being liked.

And if Fox finds out,
she's gonna be really hurt.

Then she's really gonna hurt you.

Hey, guys.

What are you talking about?

Uh... nothing.

[FOX SIGHS]

TV: Our final story tonight
is all about looking for love.

Where the hell's your mudder?

TV: A marvellous horse
by the name of Shagra...

We should be a quarter
to dessert by now!

- Shh!
- [PHONE RINGING ON TV]

- Meet the amazing Shagra.
- [POP LAUGHING]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I bought
the chocolates for Fox,

but with Mom gone, this
was a matter of survival.

POP: Yeah, whoa, chocolate!

Ooh-hoo!

- Hm, coconut, disgusting!
- [FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]

Where's the map?

MIKE SR: Mary!

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, didn't pop tell ya?

I got a temp job down
at the post office.

Oh, awesome, Mom.

You're a scab?

I'll make dinner.

But we already ate.

So there.

What? Wha... wha... what?

Well...

That's just fine, then.

It's very fine, indeed.

MARK: Dad...

I can't read this!

Here.

Bite that.

Mm... orange.

This thing is a mine field.

SISTER ROSE: I know you are anxious

to pass out your valentines, children.

But remember, the real Saint Valentine

was not some chocolate-crazed sex fiend.

He married Christians in
secrecy until he was discovered

by the Roman emperor, arrested,

and beaten to death with
clubs and beheaded...

On February 14th.

So...

"Love hurts"?

[CLASS LAUGHS]

[RULER SLAMS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Passing
out valentines in class.

It didn't mean you
actually loved someone...

Until it did.

As long as I didn't give her my card,

I'd be in the clear.

Love must really be blind,

because I did not see that coming.

Oh!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
If I had two valentines,

my heart would not be
the only thing broken.

I...

Don't have yours.

I-I didn't know you were
into this kind of stuff.

Oh, no, I'm not.

It's a joke.

It's totally stupid.

Yeah, right. Stupid, right?

Mm-hm.

So, wanna hang out?

Uh... uh, I can't.

Because I've got a family thing.

With just my family.

Alone.

All of us.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:Smooth.

Yeah, me too.

I got somewhere I gotta be.

Where?

What are you, writing a book?

Valentine's Day is stupid.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Stupid.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Lies are wrong,

but sometimes the truth
isn't right either.

"Girl You Know It's
True" by Mile-y Vanilla.

He's some singer, one of my faves.

Keeping you alive on
the afternoon drive,

I'm d*ck Dunphy.

Slippin' down to number
four, here's glass tiger.

["SOMEDAY" BY GLASS TIGER PLAYING]



You've got a d*ck on the Line.

GIRL: [PHONE] Hi, is this d*ck Dunphy?

The one and only, my lovely.

Oh, wow. Um...

I'm kinda nervous.

Don't be, my ducky.

Celebrities are just like regular people

'cept everybody knows 'em.

Yeah, it's just...

I've been waiting to talk
to you my whole life.

And how long has that been, honey?

I'm 19.

[QUIETLY] Still got it.

What's your name, Ducky?

Amanda.

Amanda Loveless.

Loveless?

Now, you wouldn't be anything
to Yvonne Loveless, would ya?

That's my mom.

Look, look, I knows your mudder, and...

I'm just gonna say it.

I think I'm your daughter.

I just found something
out. Can we meet...

[SLAMS DOWN PHONE]

♪

Let's see. Ooh, d*ck Dunphy...

Huh...

Personal and confidential.

Hoo-hoo-hoo, this should be good!

MARY: Hey!

That's a federal offence, you old coot!

You got your cheque.

Leave other people's mail alone!
I still have to deliver these.

What, you're delivering and sorting?

Mm-hm.

Oh, they must really
need you down there.

Way more than up here.

It's nice to be needed.

Yeah.

Look, this one's for you.

It's from the church.

Good God, Mary!

You're bringing mail home
now? We'll all be arrested!

- It's for me.
- Iron your shirt!

And give this to d*ck Dunphy.

If that's not too scabby for ya.

Uh, you better do it.

Why is it wet?

Huh?

Hoo-hoo!

Oh, it's from Sister Rose.

A Valentine.

That's the sacred heart of Jesus.

It's a mass card.

Are you sick?

Naughty girl.

Oh... ugh.

["SOMEDAY" BY GLASS TIGER PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS]

♪

Hey, d*ck.

Don't do that, Mike b'y.

I'm 40!

Uh...

Mom wanted me to give this to you.

Geez.

It's from my old flame, Yvonne loveless.

"d*ck, we have a daughter Amanda

who will try and contact you
soon if she already hasn't.

Her number is on the bottom.

You can contact her if you wish,

but don't contact me."

So... I am someone's daddy.

Maybe you should reach out to her.

Oh, I don't know.

What if she don't like me?

That's impossible.

[POIGNANT MUSIC]

[DIALLING NUMBER]

[LINE RINGING]

- AMANDA: [PHONE] Hello?
- Hello, Amanda?

Yes?

It's d*ck.

Your dad.

What are you at for valen-time's?

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I was so confused.

How could I have feelings for two girls?

Cara had been in and out of my life,

but Fox had always been there.

♪

Ow! Frig!

Dozed off there?

Yeah, I'm bagged.

I had to get my brother
ready this morning

and I gotta watch him again
after school, and then...

Don't matter. Just...

My mom's never home no
more, and things just...

Suck lately.

You know?

DRIVER: Kid, are you gettin' off or not?

Just a minute!

Happy Valentine's?

I thought you never had one for me.

It's nothing special.

It's really nice.

It's a real one, not
a kid one. That's...

DRIVER: Come on, kid!

Yeah, sorry!

Bye! Love you.

[RECORD SCRATCH SOUND]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: "Love you"?

I mean, bye.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: What
the hell was I doing?

KIDS: Ooh!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:Damn Cupid!

Who gives a baby a bow and arrow?

♪

♪

♪

WAITRESS: Welcome to Kenmount.

MARY: Thank you.

MARK: Thank you.

MIKE SR: So, what are you having?

MARY: Beef and broccoli.

What's in that?

I don't know what I want.

It's all good. We can
get two number ones.

Why don't we just split
a number two, then?

It's not enough. You
should split a number three.

- Yeah.
- Three doesn't go into two.

- Hi, Mike, Mary!
- Oh!

Thanks so much for coming.

Oh, Yim. What a terrific spot!

What an amazing menu you have here.

We're gonna split a number three,

and maybe get a side
of that nice red gravy.

Perfect. I'll get your waitress.

What?

So, Cara...

What does your father do?

My dad's an engineer, and
my mom teaches nursing.

Well, that's nice!

I work too.

Oh, Mark hasn't mentioned.

What do you do, Ms. Critch?

- Well...
- She's a scab.

Mailman. [COUGHS]

Mom's a mailman.

Yes.

Ooh, meatballs!

Made with chicken?

I might have to use a public facility.

Why didn't you ask me if I had
to go before we left the house?

I can't do anything right!

What's this all about?

I'm not needed home anymore.

I get it.

Not needed?

Sure, I'm all wrinkled
and half starved to death.

But you're more than that.

You're the glue holds
this whole family together.

Those posties, they
got a damn fine worker,

but we lost a wonderful boss.

POP: Oh, get a room.

I've lost my appetite.

Hi, can I take your...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- Oh...
- Fox!

You work here?

Cute.

No, wait!

Wait, just...

[GRUNTS] Ridiculous...

[MIKE SR. SIGHS]

MARK: Fox, just...

Why didn't you tell me you had a job?

Why didn't you tell me
you had a girlfriend?

Uh...

Figures.

Couldn't take Cinderella
out to dinner, right?

I mean, who'd serve it?

I think it's cool you
work here, I just...

I didn't have a choice!

Since Dad shagged
off, Mom can't keep up.

So, what was with the card?

You pity me?

No.

No, she asked me.

I-I didn't know what
to say, but I promise,

I got my card for you first, I swear.

You could have said no,

"I like someone else,"
and not waste my time.

Or is that too grown-up for you?

- No...
- Where's the payphone?

I'm gonna call my mom.

Please, just...

♪

So...

- So, now, maybe we can...
- Arse.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Love is
truly a mysterious thing.

CHARLIE DORE: ♪ Pilot of the airwaves ♪

♪ Here is my request ♪

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Whether
it's old love...

CHARLIE DORE:
♪ You don't have to play it ♪

♪ But I hope you'll do your best ♪

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Love
that we're not ready for...

CHARLIE DORE: ♪ I've been
listening to your show ♪

♪ On the radio ♪

♪ And you seem like a friend to me ♪

♪

♪ Or a record of your
choice, I don't mind ♪

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Or just a
love for what you do in life.

♪ Saying this is for the girl ♪

♪ Who didn't sign her name ♪

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Or love of family.

♪

CHARLIE DORE: ♪ Late at night
I'm still listening... ♪

Ooh!

Second level.

Oh-ho-ho.

Mm...

Mm, crap!

Orange.

Ooh, do you want one?

I mean, you bought them.

You can have 'em.

Hm.

You know, you may think
I'm a bit of a glutton

for eating all your
chocolates, but I'll remind you,

you're the one who's trying
to get two girlfriends.

It's not like that. I...

I just like them for different things.

It seems to me

that Cara is trying to push
herself into your heart,

but little Miss Red already
has a special place there.

Am I right?

♪

I'm pretty sure she doesn't want

anything to do with me anymore.

You know, sometimes
really loving someone

means knowing when to let them go.

How do I know how to do that?

Well, don't ask me!

I've never been able to figure that out.

♪

♪

Night, Pop.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I guess
you can't follow your heart

if it's more confused than your head.

POP: Oh, cherry!

Disgusting!

♪


♪