15x17 - My BFG Wedding

[bunniefuu]

( Recipes to think about in bed )

Homer what are you doing?

I'm going to sleep
on the couch.

she sure loves that couch.

It's the world series
of kickball...

bart simpson on the mound.

The catcher gives him
the signal...

..And here's the pitch!

oh, my god!
I've shredded a child!

Again!

( Screaming )

venezuela, here I come!

And while the school's only ball
is being repaired...

the following alternative sports
will be offered:

Dodge-rock, volley-brick
and base-game.

I want to play dodge-rock!

You're out.

Finally, on a personal note,
mrs. Krabappel and i

are to be joined in
holy wedlock this saturday.

We'll be honeymooning
at lake shelbyville lodge,

cabin , room three.

And we do not wish
to be disturbed.

Way to go, mrs. K!

You finally hooked
the skinfish.

It looks good...

but I'm not going to celebrate
till he's gaffed, gutted

and hanging in my trophy
room. Ha!

We have the same dream, ma'am.

My bonnie lies over
the ocean

my bonnie lies
over the sea...

( chuckles )

all right,

we got sex with
an alligator,

screaming orgasms
and virgin screaming orgasms.

Ooh, sexy drinks,
adult board games...

I'm glad I sent the kids
to grampa's

to protect their innocent minds.

..And here's some more germans
we k*lled.

That flame-thrower really
toasted their waffles.

( Disgusted groans )

grampa, how do you
sleep at night?

They drug us.

It'S... another pair
of edible panties!

( Girlish hoots )

now, that's sexual.

( Glass squeaking )

( slurping )

homer, this bachelor party
seems to have peaked.

Would you please return
my pants and/or underpants

so I can go home?

Come on, it's your last
night of freedom.

You got to have some fun.

O are all of you people?

We're your buddies.
Now, come on,

homer's kids' principal,
have a beer.

I can't-- I might be called upon
to give directions later.

Skinner!

You were asked to chug-a-lug,
and a-lug you shall chug!

( Gulping )

( drunkenly ):
There's something

I've wanted
to say to you

for a long time.

Am I a good principal?

You're the best we could get
with the funds at our disposal.

( Cheering )

delivering these ice-cold
lady duffs has made me hot.

Really hot.

( "Duffman theme" playing )

come on, duffman.
( Hooting )

bucks an hour-- oh, yeah!

Ah, ooh, ah!
Oh, yeah!

( Doorbell ringing )

sorry to bother you, but
we got an anonymous tip

about loud music and a
strip-da-didilly-dipper.

Oh, look, girls,
a policeman is here.

Well, we've been
awfully naughty.

You'd better lay down the law.

( Dance music playing )
( hollering )

hey, ladies, ladies,
I-I really am a cop.

Whoa. Is that a five?

Well, this uniform
is a little snug.

Oh, yeah, ha-ha, whoo!

Uh, eddie, lou, how about
a little backup here?

Hmm, hmm, like what
you see, ladies?

All right. Hmm, hmm.
Wiggum:

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay. Uh, can we,
uh... can we...

I think I-I threw
my back out.

( Gulping )
( slurping )

you know, I wish I had
an exciting life,

like that class
picture photographer.

Oh! How many women
has he had in that van?

Two that I know of.

Let's kick this up a notch and
get you some wiggle in your lap.

Oh, yeah.

No. Absolutely
no friction dancing.

Oh, come on,
you killjoy!

Wussy.
Grinch.

Hey, take it easy
on skinner.

He's just down 'cause
after tomorrow,

everything he does
is wrong.

Oh, marriage is
gonna be great.

Now you'll have someone
who'll rub your back...

without being asked.
Aah, not this again.

Yes, this again.

You know, homer, edna was

bugging me and bugging me
to set a date,

and I picked one
that seemed far away,

and it zoomed up like a june bug
flying at my windshield.

What are you trying
to tell me, skinner?

( Gulping )

ah...
homer...

lenny...
my man...

I could never lie to you guys.

I'M... I'm starting
to get cold feet.

Please don't tell anyone.
Don't worry.

Your secret's safe with me.
Marge, guess what?

Skinner wants to bail
on his wedding.

Homer, you're still
talking to me.

Oh, man, it's
just awkward.

I'm out of here.

( Gulping )
( groans )

principal skinner is having
second thoughts?

Poor edna.

Yeah, marge, it looks like
you got the last perfect man.

Oh, by the way, can i
borrow your car tomorrow?

Mine's acting up.

( Marge gasps )
( annoyed murmur )

every day you find
a new way to aggravate me.

Hey, you're the one
always bugging me

to screw up our marriage.
Spice up! Spice up!

Whatever.

The important thing is to
get skinner to that altar,

because once a union has
been sanctified by god,

it takes at least six months
to tear it apart.

Right, naked duffman?
Hmm?

Oh, uh... oh, yeah!

( Playing "pachelbel's canon" )

I think skinner might make
a run for it.

He's eyeing the exits
and doing calf stretches.

Don't worry, I've got a man
on the perimeter.

Cowabunga one to fat load.

This is fat load.

I'd like to request
a new code name.

Denied.
Okay, fat load here.

Here comes the bride.
Repeat. Here comes the bride.

Mrs. K.,
You look awesome.

Thank you, otto.

That cloud looks awesome.
That rock looks awesome.

My hands look awesome.

( Playing "the wedding march" )

hey, champ.

Ready to take
the plunge?

You know I'm not.

We had a long discussion
about that

where I clearly indicated
the coldness of my feet.

Happy th anniversary,
seymour.

I was thinking
it might be time

to combine our
cd collections.

I don't know, edna.

I'm not quite ready
to take that plunge.

Seymour!

My larval sac
fell in the toilet.

Go fish it out.

Quick, edna.
I'll use your purse as a scoop.

Well, this is it, edna.

As I once said at
the battle of khe sanh,

"I surrender."

We are gathered together today

to join seymour and edna
in holy matrimony.

Does anyone present
know any reason

why these two should not be wed?

I do.
( All gasp )

no, you say that part later.
I'm sorry, seymour.

I can't marry someone
who doesn't want to be with me.

( Cries )
( crying )

we got a runner.
sn*pers, take your sh*t.

I can't do it.
That dress is a vera wang.

Edna!
Mm...

( sniffing )

is this corn oil?
Canola.

He drove her to it you know.

She was only doing it
for the appliances.

He's a she.
She's a he.

They're both, both.
( Clears throat )

well, I'm afraid edna has gone
from tardy to absent.

( Nervous chuckling )

so let's move onto the reception
and forget this awkwardness

with some delicious
shrimp mocktail.

Principal skinner,
I feel so bad for you.

Well, in retrospect,
I could've been a little more

"into" the whole thing.

Just the two of us
building castles...

( sighs ):
"Just the two of us."

I spent $
on those dance lessons,

might as well use them.

Forward, side, together.
Back, side, together.

this is so sad.
Yeah, he's crazy all right.

All right, students,

what is the center
of the circulatory system?

It's the heart.
The heart?

You mean like
principal skinner's,

which you broke?
What do you care?

You hate principal skinner.
Eh, bro's before ho'S.

Nelson, I'll see you
after class.

I'll be there.
Will you?

( Bell rings )

mom, what are you
doing here?

Did our house burn down?
Oh, that'd be cool.

No, I'm here to have
a little girl-talk

with mrs. Krabappel.

So how are you
holding up?

Actually, I feel fine.

Why should I settle for someone
who's not passionate about me?

Oh, passion's for teens
and immigrants.

I'm just glad to have
someone to look at

when I wake up
in the morning.

Really?
Well...

unkink the hose.

Hmm...

sure there
are downsides.

But a relationship
can't be

all hand-holding and
restaurant desserts.

Why not?

If I can't have romance
and excitement,

then what's the point
of being married?

Well, it'S...
in my case... hmm...

oh, god, I've lost
the love of my life.

Bart's right,
I am a wiener.

( Sobbing )

geez, homer, this guy is
bringing the whole bar down.

I finally got barney
back on the sauce.

If he doesn't have fun,
he could easily slip

right back into sobriety.

Don't worry.
If I feel the urge to sober up,

I'll just talk to my sponsor.
Drink or I'll die.

Wait a minute.

I thought you didn't
want to get married.

That was before I missed
her smell, her warmth,

her beautiful,
beautiful penmanship.

Don't worry,
principal skinner.

Seymour.
Really?

Boy, it sucks to be you.

Anyhoo, if there's
one thing I know,

it's how to win back
a furious woman.

We'll go to her house,
and I'll whisper to you

exactly what to say.
Really?

You'll be my cyrano?
Hey, if we get

your girlfriend back
I won't have to.

Okay, just repeat after me.

"Edna, I made
a huge mistake

and I want you back."

Edna, I made a huge mistake
and I want you back.

How's that, homer?
Mm-hmm.

Oh, god, it's seymour.
What do I say?

You just say...
it's too late.

I'm free and loving it,
principal skinner.

( Whispering ):
Hey, tell her...

every second without you

is like a million kicks
in the crotch.

Oh, that's so lovely.
"But it's too late

to win us back
with sweet talk."

What the...? Marge?
Are you helping her?

I won't let edna
throw her life away

for some passionless
marriage

where two people lie in bed
together with no contact,

whittling away the batteries
until they die.

Which are you saying is dead?
Our marriage or our batteries?

Let's just say in an emergency,
I wouldn't count on either one.

Homer, marge,

if I could just speak
to edna for a moment.

Shut up.

I didn't tell you
to say that.

Just why am I taking
your advice?

Because I'm successfully
married.

There's no ring on that finger.
Uh-oh.

Oh, why did I take it off?
Oh, right.

To see if I could skip it
across lake michigan.

I'm here to return the gift
you brought to our wedding.

Ah, yes.
An incredible hulk melon baller.

( Growls )

( growling )

( growls )

well, I'm glad you'll
be able to enjoy it.

I think you did the right thing.

You didn't want your life
to turn out like this.

( Chuckling )

oh, you're cute.

Is there
a mrs. Comic book guy?

Well, I was married once...
in an online fantasy game.

We were thinking
of having children,

but that would have severely
drained my power crystals.

( Chuckling )

stop it, you big kidder.

( Forced laughter )

yes, "kidder."

Would you like
to get some coffee?

And a family bucket
of chicken.

We've made it to my car
and you haven't left.

A new record.

Oh, I love your black
tinted windows.

Actually, they're trash bags.

Now, could you give me
a pushing start?

string quartet,
are you tuned up?

As tuned as we're going
to get in this humidity.

And the castrati?
The what now?

And a one and a two and A...

( to the tune of "a-wimoweh" )
oh, edna k, oh, edna k,

oh, edna k, oh, edna k
oh, edna k, oh, edna k

ms. Krabappel,
a sad principal

is desperate and needy

if you come home,

I won't die alone
and that's what I'd prefer

uh-plee-ee-ee-eease
settle for seymour

so plee-ee-ee-eease
come back to the dork

well, well, if it isn't
the square in our love triangle.

What are you doing
in edna's place? Where is she?

My beloved is napping blissfully

in the many folds
of my spider-man t-shirt.

As for myself,

I am popping kettle corn.
This can't be happening!

Oh, but it can.
I adore edna.

She is near-mint and comes from
a very limited edition--

females who will talk to me.
Give her back to skinner.

A fat, bald guy like you...
you could have anyone.

Forget you.
Edna and I are in love.

We're doing everything together.
Breakfast, bath,

and then the bi-monthly
science fiction convention.

Join me.

The bi-mon sci-fi con?!

You've heard of it?
Is it romantic?

Hey, women have put out
just to get out of there.

( Growls )

edna's with comic book guy?

Oh, god, she's
on the rebound.

And you meet the worst guys
on the rebound.

It's how
jackie got her "O."

Okay, we'll go
to the convention,

sell my lois lane comics,
buy some jimmy olsens,

and stop edna from making
a terrible mistake.

I wish you'd devote this
much time and attention

to our relationship.

Don't worry, marge.
We'll get something to eat.

( Groans )

Warning, you could be photographed
and used in ads... looking like that

I don't see skinner anywhere.
He's probably in costume--

he could be any of these people.

They're all too old to be
dressed up like super-people.

Homer, let's just hurry up
and go home

so I can yell at you.

Oh, my goodness,
it's matt groening!

( Laughs )

wow, the creator
of futurama!

Mr. Groening, will you
autograph my bender doll?

Sure. I'm happy to give anyone
my autograph

anytime or anywhere:
On the street, in a store

or on my private property,

but why be happy
with just an autograph?

What about an original sketch
or snippet of my hair?

And don't forget
to pull my beard.

They say it's good luck.
Look-- there they are!

They're going into
multi-purpose room B.

That room has a dry erase board.

They could be doing
anything in there.

Anything.

Edna, the klingons have
a romantic saying:

( Speaks klingon
click-clack-style )

all:
Aw...

roughly translated, it means

"I would k*ll the children
of a thousand planets

just to see you smile."
Aw... that is the most romantic

thing I've ever heard,

which is kind of sad
if you think about it.

( Joints creaking )

edna, I want you
to marry me--

right here and now.

If you marry me, we will
honeymoon in nebulon five,

also known as san diego.

Skinner:
No!

Hands off my fiancee, wide ride!

Why are you dressed
like catwoman?

You... oh, they told me
it was catman!

Now prepare
for some roughhousing.

Oh!
Oh!

( Joints creaking )

( grunting )

d-ohh!

( All gasp )

Should we aid our brother
in his blood feud ?

No. My mom worked really hard
on this costume.

stop it!
Stop it, both of you!

Seymour, it's too late
for you to win me back.

This man worships me.

He actually wants
to be my husband.

The female has made
her decision.

Prepare the feast
of goldfish crackers.

I'm not marrying you either.

There are a million
valid reasons,

but which one did you pick?

We've had a great time together,
but we're too different.

I don't understand.

It's like I'm dc comics,
and you're marvel.

I understand completely.

I don't think I want
to be tied down to anybody.

Take me to some real men.

Okay, you can watch

my dad and my brothers
b*at me up.

Come back home with mama, son.
I'll make you some hot cocoa,

while you sit
in your shame closet

and think about what you did.

Well, at least I went
down like a man.

You look like a malaysian
transsexual.

Good for you, mrs. K.

Yeah! You don't need
a husband to be happy.

Okay, marge, I hear you.

Now that krabappel's
made her decision,

it's time to whitewash
over our problems.

I'm afraid, this time, a coat
of whitewash won't cover it.

( Gasps )

our marriage is
just an illusion.

He doesn't care
how I feel at all.

He doesn't know how to love.

Marge, the greatest day
of my life

was the day
you and I became one.

Would you marry me again?

Oh, it's very sweet,
but I don't need A...

where's that coming from?

A band in a closet.
Every girl's dream.

And now, padre, if you
would do the honors.

( Harsh klingon noises )

marge:
I do.

Marge, you just agreed to raise
the kids klingon!

Marge:
D-ohh!