04x02 - Weighty Issues

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "I am jazz"...

We obviously want this to really be the best surgery

It could possibly be.

What I'd like to do is just have you come see me again.

I am totally shocked that we have to go out

To california again to see dr. Bowers.

I was thinking about getting the surgery, like,

A year from now,

And now, dad thinks I'm not mature enough

To have this bottom surgery.

-Do you want to explain that? -Nope.

Oh, my god.

Jazz! This is all, like, takeout food.

My eating habits are... [ Sighs ] are a real problem.

We're on the plane right now,

Heading to the philadelphia trans health conference,

And dad is stuck at home with hurricane irma on its way.

Man: -mile-per-hour winds.

All right, we need to call dad real fast.

[ Line rings ]

Hi, this is greg. You've reached my voice mail.

Jazz: years ago, I was assigned male at birth,

But inside, I always knew I was a girl.

I have a girl brain and a boy body.

Being transgender hasn't been easy...

We really are walking a tightrope.

-I'm a tough case. -You're a tough case.

-Come on, jazz! -Whoo!

Go for it, girl!

...but it's made me who I am.

I am jazz.

--Captions by vitac-- www.vitac.com

Captions paid for by discovery communications

Man: in parts of the florida keys,

Irma's wrath is visible as far as the eye can see.

Fema estimates nearly a quarter of the homes here

Have been destroyed.

Water, food, gas, and power remain top priorities.

The largest power restoration effort

In the united states' history is now underway.

Jazz: wow. I can't believe...

Jeanette: you see all the trees?

Our neighborhood looks terrible.

-This is really bad. -I know.

Jeanette: jazz and I are just making it back to florida

From philly.

Fortunately, I was able to connect with greg

And the other kids, my parents, to make sure they were safe.

Like, the whole neighborhood, just look down there.

-You see all of the branches? -It's so bad.

Jeanette: I knew we got hit pretty hard,

But when I'd see all the debris, it -- this wasbad.

I'm kind of in shock.

♪♪

All the furniture is inside.

Oh, look at your soccer net.

Looks like we missed a lot.

God. Did you carry this all inside?

I did. Yeah. I could have used some help.

Jazz: the house is not in its best condition.

The inside has everything that used to be outside.

But I'm very relieved that my dad and my home is safe.

How did the neighborhood look when you drove through?

-Oh, my god. It looks awful. -It looks terrible.

I think we were very fortunate, where we live.

Although, you want to see the damage out back?

-Jeanette: no. [ Laughs ] -yeah, I do.

-You do? Is it bad?

It's -- it's, uh...

I'll let you be the judge.

Jeanette: we've lived through some pretty powerful hurricanes,

But this was record-breaking.

There was a tremendous amount of guilt

Leaving greg alone.

I was scared for my other kids.

It was a horrible feeling.

[ Gasps ] oh, my god.

-Jeanette: oh, my god. -What the...

Jeez!jazz: that was my favorite tree!

Whoa!

-That hammock... -Holy...

...is not looking too cozy anymore, huh?

Greg: there's a few lessons to take away from this experience.

Mother nature doesn't discriminate.

It just doesn't care.

And she can be quite awesome and quite devastating.

You need to be prepared.

And the other thing -- love your family.

Jeanette: I still can't believe you were here alone.

Well, the house wasn't prepared, you know.

It wasn't ready for the storm.

I was really watching the storm, and I was going to decide

Whether or not it made sense to leave.

With all of you guys out of the house, though,

I just felt it was okay.

I felt like it was my duty to stay home

And make sure that the house was in order,

But it was kind of unnerving

Because the news was pretty severe.

This could have been far worse.

It could have been so much worse.

We're lucky we did not get the worst of it.

We really dodged a b*llet on this one.

We've heard that % of the homes in the keys

Are absolutely destroyed.

There's people that can't even get back to their house.

There are people that are homeless right now.

It's really sad.

You want to help me start moving stuff from inside?

Sure.

Jeanette: first, I want to make sure that everybody is good,

My kids, my parents.

I'm a mama bear who worries about her cubs,

And it was horrible knowing that my kids

Are not in safe places at all, as far as I'm concerned.

-Greg: are you sure he's awake? [ Facetime rings ]

Jazz: he's connecting.

[ Ring ]

-Hey. -Hi!

Hey, griffen.

Jeanette: the last time I spoke to the kids,

Irma was headed in their direction,

And I was super, super worried.

Is that ari?

Get closer. I can't see you all.

-Jeanette: wait a minute. -Greg: there's sander.

[ Laughing ] sander.

It looks like he's still sleeping.

Wait. Go back to sander.

Now that I get to see their beautiful faces,

I feel such a sense of relief

Because they took the hurricane very lightly.

So how did you guys make out in the hurricane?

Jazz: oh, my god.

Greg: it looks like you're still sleeping.

Let me ask you a question. Where were you sleeping?

You were in your underloft?

Says who?

What was it when it hit you? What category?

Oh.

All the trees in our backyard fell.

No, not all of them,

But, like, a lot of trees in the backyard fell.

Nothing hit the house.

No, no. The house was good.

I hated being away from all of you.

We were all very lucky. That's all I could say.

-Greg: we love you guys. -Jeanette: we love you.

-Go back to sleep. -Mwah!

-Mwah, mwah, mwah. -All right. Take care.

-Bye. -Talk to you soon.

Jazz: beep.

They looked... Like they were okay.

Jeanette: a part of me is still somewhat annoyed

For not taking the storm more serious.

They needed to be in shelters.

They were just going to do what they wanted to do

And weren't going to listen to me.

So I'm grateful and feel blessed that everybody is okay.

♪♪

♪♪

-Jazz: oh, there she is. -Oh, hey.

Today, I'm shopping with one of my great friends, jay.

I'm so happy you're okay.

Yeah. We lost power for a day, but we're all good.

Boom.

Jazz: it's kind of hard to get back to your normal life

After something so big just occurred,

But I also need to just reconnect with my friends.

You know what I really like? I like that color up here.

Like, I don't know.

I feel like it's a cute bathing suit color.

It's good for you.

Why is it so low?

-I feel it would go below... -[ Jaylen laughing ]

I still hate shopping.

It's not one of my favorite things to do.

-Now we're good. -Jazz: no, get a third one.

Unfortunately I'm going to a water park,

And I'm not exactly in the body that I want to be in.

-Jazz: the belly. -Okay. Around the waist.

But I gotta get my bathing suit some way, so it's bearable.

I hate this cut, too.

This cut looks good on you.

It's, like, "really? You want to open it up

To fricking mumbo jumbo whale blubber right there?"

I have not been eating healthy at all.

Oh, my gosh.

Like, the other day, my mom found me

With a crock-pot in my room,

And I was eating, like, chips and this buffalo chicken dip.

-Oh, my gosh. -It was so yummy.

I need to find something that, like, covers my whole body,

With a skirt, with a cover-up on top.

[ Laughs ] no skirt. I don't want --

-Did you forget about... -Yeah.

...a little something between my legs that...

I know.

Jaylen: it's hard for any teenage girl to just, like,

Put on, like, a swimsuit and just go out there.

It must be even harder for jazz being that down there

Doesn't necessarily match what is up here.

What else do you have planned?

Do you have anything, like, exciting coming up?

Well, I'm having a follow-up consultation.

I'm seeing my surgeon, dr. Marci bowers, next week.

I think it's just kind of to go in-depth about the next steps

We need to take before I get my procedure.

So it should be something simple, like,

Scheduling the date, planning, everything like that.

Wow. Like, you're at that step already,

Where, like, you're scheduling?

Well, yeah, 'cause you have to prepare, like, a year before.

Jaylen: I remember when she first started

Her hormone implants,

And I feel like that was just yesterday,

And now we're into our junior year in high school,

And she's getting surgery, and it's just going by so fast.

My first consultation with her,

She said that she could totally do the standard vaginoplasty,

One step, but she did say she has something to reveal.

Jazz: I'm excited, but I'm also a little bit nervous

To hear what she has to say

Because her facetime call was so cryptic.

We've had so many bumps in the road.

I just -- I feel like it deserves to go smoothly.

♪♪

-Jazz? -Yes.

Ready for you.

Feeling a little anxious walking into dr. Bowers' office.

I wanted to follow up with you in person.

Not to bring up the bad news first, but...

♪♪

♪♪

Here, I'll even get your chair for you.

Oh, boy. Thank you.

I think that deserves a little...

I did a lipstick kiss, air kiss.

Greg: having a moment like this with jeanette

After a natural disaster is...

It's important.

It's significant, because you know what?

Not everybody was so lucky.

[ Glasses clink ] -[ gasps ]

-sh**t. You did that on purpose. -[ Laughs ]

-No. -Yes, you did.

It just makes you appreciate how fragile life is.

Your loved ones are safe,

And your possessions, you know, aren't all gone.

-Are you gonna eat any of that? -Iamgonna eat.

I've learned that if you eat slower, you won't eat as much.

♪♪

[ Hums ]

♪♪

Okay.

Do I have food on my mouth?

Well, you may or may not have something on your chin.

-So... -This is so good.

I'm so hungry because I cut down all those trees.

-Yeah. -[ Laughs ]

Well, speaking of cutting down trees, you know,

The keys got it real bad,

And I think it would be nice if we went to the keys,

And we helped a family get their house back together.

There's always room for volunteers.

People always need help when there's a situation

Like a natural disaster.

There are different volunteer groups

That are headed to the keys,

And we need to pay it forward

'Cause we did not get the worst of it, but others did.

I think that would be a great thing.

I think it would be a good experience for jazz.

If you could find a family that has the need,

Me, you, and jazz could go help out.

Jazz hasn't had it easy by any means,

But she's never seen somebody who has lost everything,

And I think sometimes, you know,

She takes for granted how lucky she is,

And this will put things in perspective for her.

So let's go backwards. [ Chuckles ]

I'm thinking about this facetime from dr. Bowers,

Saying that we need to come out to california.

I can't believe it.

I mean, we've been on so many consults.

Jeanette: I don't even consider this a pre-op consultation

Because you don't have to fly to california

For a pre-op consultation, so it's a mystery.

Like, what's going on?

-Right? -Yes.

She wouldn't ask us to go back out

If it wasn't really important, and I'm assuming she needs...

This better be reallyimportant.

She wants to probably examine jazz again.

-Did she give you a hint? -Not really.

-I mean... -She needed to talk to us.

I would have asked a lot of questions.

We asked a few. She wasn't gonna give answers.

I just -- you know when you know somebody's not gonna

Tell you until you're there,

And you might as well not even go there and ask them?

But "there" is on the other side of the country.

I don't know, greg.

Greg: it's a bit unexpected that dr. Bowers has indicated

That she wants us to come back out

To california this coming week.

I thought we had gotten to the point

Where she had examined jazz, everything was set.

All we needed to do was really come up with a surgical date

And then go back out to california to have the surgery.

So at this point, I don't know what this means.

Nothing is easy, you know?

Even when it was hard to get there,

We get there, and it's still hard.

I feel like we are, like, opening up pandora's box again.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey. What's up?

Hey there, good friend. [ Sighs ]

[ European accent ] good friend of mine.

I'm picking up noelle to go to the water park

Because I'm just really eager

For all of my friends to meet one another.

Noelle was with me in philly during hurricane irma,

And this is the first time we're seeing each other

Since we've gotten back.

How's the cleanup going?

So far, not too bad.

We lost our power, but that was about it.

Good.

I just want to get our mind off of the storm

And just want everyone to have a good time

And love one another.

You've been pulling your hair back a lot though.

Why do you do that?

Yeah, I know, but it's just...

It's...my hair gets everywhere.

You could always get bangs. [ Laughs ]

No.

Jazz: noelle has changed a lot since I first met her,

And I feel like she's more confident

And she loves herself more,

And she's just growing into a beautiful woman.

Oh, that's so corny for me to say

'Cause she's my friend, but it's true.

I really see her evolving.

I've reached a point in my transition

Where I'm comfortable going outside

Without doing all that.

Yeah. That's good.

You want to -- that -- that's what everyone should feel like.

Noelle: recently, I've been feeling happier.

I've been feeling better.

I've noticed I've been getting along with my parents

And my entire family more,

And, you know, I think that has a lot to do with my transition.

Overall, I just...

I can't think of a time in my life when I've been happier.

Someone told me, they're like, "I know what's off about you."

And I'm like, "what?"

And they're like, "you look like a lesbian."

And I'm like, "you got me."

[ Laughs ] that's good.

♪♪

There she is!

Michaela paige.

I'm just really looking forward to hanging out with my friends

Because they haven't met michaela.

I got you.

-Oh! Come to us. -Whee!

I want them to see how cool she is, and fearless.

-Hi! -Well, that works.

What's up? How are you?

Jazz: michaela is very comfortable in her own skin.

She's confident, and she's learned to love herself,

And I admire her for that.

-Hey, guys. -Oh, hello.

-Oh, hey. -Hi!

You're here. You've made it.

Yep. I made it.

This is my friend michaela, by the way.

-Hi! -Hi, I'm jay. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you!

How did you and jazz meet?

I got a chance to meet jazz, actually,

At palm beach pride down here.

You know, we just kind of hit it off,

And we have similar platforms.

What do you mean by, like, similar platforms?

About a year ago, I launched a campaign

Where I go into schools and I talk about,

You know, the bullying that I've gone through.

In middle school and high school,

I battled with bulimia, I battled with body dysmorphia.

For me, the most important thing was trying to figure out

How I was gonna feel comfortable in my body.

-Yeah. -I can kind of sympathize.

When I was in elementary school, I was, like,

Really, really overweight,

And I was bullied to no end about it,

And it's, like, that stays with you.

-Michaela: forever. -Jaylen: it does.

Like, I will never be that kid

Who wasn't called fat or anything.

Coming to a water park has to be difficult.

-How do you feel? -I'm not gonna lie.

This is the first time I've worn shorts in public for, like --

In, like, a year.

You know, since I transitioned, I have not worn shorts.

Like, when was the last time you've gone swimming?

-Can't remember. -Really?

So what is it about today that made you decide to wear shorts?

I'm not going to wear jeans at a water park.

[ Laughs ] yeah, true.

I really feel like a beached whale.

You know, obviously as trans, you have dysphoria,

And once you have boobs and you want to show

Your cleavage, yay, that's good. But now...

-Your boobs are, like... -They're big.

-...ridiculous. -And now I feel...

Just gonna throw that out there.

...but now it just feels way... Like, it doesn't feel right.

I feel too immodest right now.

Over the past few months, I have put on a lot of weight.

I look at my body in the mirror,

And I'm not really happy with that image.

I gained so much weight so quickly, and it's...

I don't know. Like, I want to fix it, but, like,

I have such a bad binge eating problem.

Like, I can't even help myself.

Like, I'll be full,

And I'll still end up eating some more crap.

Noelle: jazz doesn't have necessarily

The healthiest relationship with food.

It's something I feel like might be serious,

Much more than she realizes,

And I honestly worry a bit for her.

I have really bad habits when it comes to food,

And it's become such a comfort for me

That it's so hard to let it go.

I know that it's unhealthy, but I don't know

If I have enough motivation to take action and stop this.

♪♪

[ Voice breaks ] everything else is just trash now.

Jazz: it's really hard to be throwing away these objects

Because they were part of someone's life.

[ Crying ]

♪♪

♪♪

Greg: hey, jazz?

I haven't talked to you about your trip to philly.

Jazz: well, I mean, I had a really good time.

Did you go into any seminars or really just...

Yeah, did you go to workshops? 'Cause I was busy at the table.

Uh, nah, I didn't go to any workshops this year. [ Laughs ]

Jeanette: today, we're going to the keys

Because they got the worst of the hurricane.

It's no skin off our back

To just go down for a day and just help.

I want jazz to see that there's a bigger picture out here.

She does a lot advocacy.

She does a lot of charitable work,

But in this case, it's about a bigger community.

It's about people in general.

How did your friends fare from the hurricane?

Noelle said that, you know, her dad lost power

And that a few trees fell.

And I know a few people from the mixer, they lost power.

Do you have any plans to hang out with them again?

Yeah, we were talking,

And we think we're gonna get together tomorrow.

That's good.

You know I'm always happy when you're branching out,

So that's really nice.

♪♪

It looks like there's a lot of debris.

Jazz: yeah.

Lookit, that burger king looks like it's...

-Jeanette: oh, my goodness. Wow. -Greg: wow. What is that?

That's part of somebody's house right there.

Look at that sign. Look at the gas station, the whole roof.

-Jazz: oh, my god. -The whole gas station is down.

The whole gas station fell over.

Can you imagine coming back to that?

It has insurance information on it.

Oh, my god. These are, like, rvs.

Yeah, the ones that were not embedded into the ground.

As we're driving down to the keys,

We see a lot of devastation.

It definitely feels a little bit weird

Knowing that I wasn't actually there to witness the storm,

So I just want to provide any relief I can.

I'm a little nervous 'cause I don't know what to expect,

And I don't know what to say to people

That have lost all their home

Or part of their home and their belongings.

I imagine there's some great need.

So I think you need to be prepared

For some pretty devastating stuff.

Just know that it could get emotional.

♪♪

Trash?

Mm-hmm. All of it's trash, baby.

♪♪

Jeanette: when we pull up, it's just pure devastation.

It looked like a b*mb had landed.

Woman: hey, baby. If it's all moldy, please don't touch it, okay?

Boy: okay.

Greg: the community needs help,

And what little help we could provide is --

I-i don't think it's enough, obviously,

But at least we're gonna try.

-Hi. -Hi.

-How are you doing? -Jazz: hello.

-I'm greg. -Marshall.

-Hi, marshall. Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-This is jazz. -Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Marshall: it's all sort of surreal.

I've never experienced anything this bad before.

This is, by far, the worst I've ever seen.

-This is my son, tristan. -This is our little man tristan.

-Hi. -Greg: hey, tristan.

-Say, "hi." -Nice to meet you.

Marshall: it's been a little different.

We're just trying to take it as we go and rebuild what we can.

-Jeanette: did you evacuate? -[ Voice breaking ] we did.

We evacuated twice.

We evacuated to family, and where we were

Was projected feet of water.

My husband and I can swim,

But to ask a little one to do that is a lot,

So we evacuated to another friend's house and...

-We got hit there. -By the hurricane, yep.

Greg: how long have you lived in this community?

I actually grew up in this home.

-This is it. -This is it for you. Yeah.

Lauren: this is my community. This is my family.

I mean, we're thankful that we're all okay.

It's a lot to, uh, to handle.

I mean, it's just things, but it's our things.

Um...

I think -- I'm not so worried about myself,

But it's sad being a child,

So he's our main concern right now.

He looks pretty tough to me. Are you pretty tough?

He's a tough one.

Jeanette: they have been through the worst,

And all my mind can think is,

"What can I do? How can I help?"

So I know there's a whole group

Of volunteers, like, right over here.

Where do you want to begin?

Anything you guys are willing to help with,

We are absolutely willing to take.

It's our pleasure to help, really.

-Thank you. -Jeanette: you're welcome.

-Marshall: thank you, guys. -Lauren: thank you.

-Thank you. -Thank you so much.

Man: how are you guys doing?

I don't know how to express how much it means to me

That people out there still care.

Besides that mini fridge, everything else

Is just trash now, so... -Jeanette: yeah.

Here. Let's place it gently over here.

-[ Crying ] -we'll get you more stuff.

Get you more school stuff.

We'll help you with more school stuff.

Don't worry. It's just paper. That's all it is.

It's just paper. It's just paper.

Greg: I think that when people see it on tv,

They're numb to it,

But it's a different vibe when you're physically there,

When you see the families that are affected.

My heart goes out them.

I just...i just really don't even know what to say to them.

Jazz: it's really hard to be throwing away

Some of these objects.

You know, I'm finding couches, pieces of furniture,

And these objects were part of someone's life.

-How you doing, tristan? -Good.

Jazz: I can't imagine a kid tristan's age

Going through such a catastrophic like this.

Did you friends face a lot of damage, too, to their homes?

I do not know.

You haven't even seen your friends?

-No. -Has that been hard?

-Not really. -[ Laughs ]

Jazz: I really admired his bravery.

Jeanette: I want to make sure there's no photos in here.

I'm different than all the other volunteers

Because they come with a mission to gut everything,

But I'm a little bit of a pack rat,

So my heart was at, like, "let's try to save something."

Do want me to take this home and wash it for you instead of...

-That would be so great. -Great. Great.

Do you know who that is? There's a driver's license.

That's my grandma. I appreciate this.

This is... She's not around anymore.

-Is this your passport? -Oh, that's my mom's!

Greg: there's more important things in life than just things.

Love and family and community

And sticking together through hardship,

That's really what everything is about.

You could take away things,

But you can't take away the human spirit.

-Look at how good it looks. -Tristan: I know.

Already, it looks like normal.

Marshall: it will all be back to normal soon.

-Okay? -Tristan: very soon.

This is for you.

I heard you like tool kits and you lost your toys.

-What do you say? -Thank you.

-Of course. -And there's more here, too.

Jeanette: and greg has some stuff for you, too.

-Greg: do you want to give that? -Jazz: here you go.

Do you want to open it up?

Are you gonna shred with that?

-Ah! -[ Laughs ]

Marshall: it would have been months

Before we got this place clean.

We couldn't have done it without everybody's help.

Me and my family are so, so grateful.

I appreciate it. Oh, my god.

Home to me now is wherever I am with my family.

They're definitely my backbone.

[ Exhales sharply ]

♪♪

I'm glad -- I'm glad we made it back.

Jazz: meeting this family was really humbling.

No matter what obstacles I have to face,

I'm fortunate to have what I have.

Nothing compares to the personal gratification

From doing something good for this community.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, hello, children.

-Oh, hello. -Hello, hello.

-How are you? -Hello.

-So nice to see you. -How are you?

Today, I'm meeting with some new people that I met at a mixer

That I really wanted to get to know more.

Oh, my god. Look at this pizza.

In the past, I really haven't done a lot

To keep in touch with people,

But I've realized that being social is better for me.

And ultimately, I want to find a love interest.

But first, I need to make friends.

Oh, my god. What...

I should be eating healthy.

-What? -Girl.

This is what I gotta say about that.

I was very excited that jazz reached out to us again

About hanging out 'cause from the get-go

I kind of wanted this to be, like, a lasting friendship.

So, like, last time I was at the doctor's,

She was like, you know, "you're just a little overweight.

"Maybe, like, you know, when super bowl comes around,

Like, don't eat so much chips."

And I was like, "you're assuming I watch football?"

[ Laughter ]

It's like, "look, sweetie, let's get something straight."

So how is everybody doing overall? You all good?

Especially after the hurricane?

-Pretty good. -Doing well.

Evan: how about you?

We actually went to the keys to help with cleaning up,

And it was an awesome experience.

God bless you.

Being able to spend time with another transgender female

Is definitely a huge...

I can't be more grateful

Because I don't get to do that every day.

I want a slice of hawaiian.

-What grade are you? -Eleventh grade.

Middle school, though, will always be the worst.

I know. I don't understand, like,

How people are like, "high schoolers, you know,

Are the worst." I'm like, "unh-unh."

Have you been to middle school?

Have these people ever been to middle school?

Like, middle school is terrible.

I got locked in a bathroom at middle school.

Things only started getting better, like, in eighth grade,

And that's when we're all just like, "okay, let's chill.

Like, we can all be friends now."

-Oh, puberty. -Yeah, exactly.

-I know. -My goodness.

Jazz: I'm definitely vibing with these people.

I sense that they are their authentic selves no matter what.

They say what's on their mind.

And I want to be able to branch out

Without worrying about what others think about me,

And I can just be free and be myself.

-Michaela: straws are necessary. -Ooh.

I drink my hot coffee with a straw.

-Good one. -Good one, yeah.

Is anybody, like, dating anybody?

No, not currently.

I would be interested, but I just want it

To happen naturally, you know?

Well, like, they do say love comes to you

When you're not looking for it, so...

That's true.

That happened to me, and I'm a year into it now, so...

Says the girl who found her love through tinder.

You know what...

"I wasn't looking for it. It was all natural."

Yeah. Yeah.

I keep staring at the hawaiian pizza.

-[ Laughs ] -there's two slices left.

-Do you want to finish it off? -I do, but I shouldn't.

I literally have a problem.

Do you guys know how many slices I ate?

Take guesses. Let's take guesses.

Four. What's your guess?

-Two. -Three.

I would say three or four, yeah.

Four. [ Laughs ]

I'm having a lot of fun with everyone again.

They just all have very positive and uplifting energies.

I was really excited about these people

Because I felt like I could make some new friends,

And I feel like I have.

I laugh-farted.

[ Laughter ] -evan: oh, my god.

-I'm so sorry. -At least you real about it.

♪♪

Not to bring up the bad news first,

But your surgery will be very difficult.

Jazz: the fact that I might not be able to get the surgery,

I am absolutely horrified.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You nervous? -No.

-An old pro at this already. -Jazz: yeah.

-Hello. -Hi.

For jazz.

Hi. Go ahead and take a seat.

Sure. Thank you.

Feeling a little anxious walking into dr. Bowers' office.

Looks like we've been here before.

-Jazz? -Yes.

-Ready for you. -Cool.

Déjà vu. [ Chuckles ]

-I really... -It's déjà vu all over again.

Déjà vuis all over again.

[ Laughs ]

I'll just be taking your vitals.

We can start off with your weight.

Close your eyes. I don't want anyone to look.

Look. Look. We're covering our eyes.

-Greg: I won't look. -Okay.

Being weighed in a doctor's office

Is probably one of the most terrible things

Because usually when you weigh yourself, you're alone,

Blah, blah, blah, no one else sees the number.

So my parents, they better close their eyes and no peepin'.

So I'll just go get dr. Bowers,

And she should be in with you shortly.

-Okay. Cool. Thank you. -Okay.

I was about to cry when I saw that number.

But you knew what the number was going to be

Before you even stepped on the scale, right?

No. It's more. Even more than ever.

Ever.

At the beginning of the summer,

I was, like, to pounds less,

And I don't know how you could gain

That much weight within a few months, and...

I need -- I need to confess.

Jeanette: what?

Last week, when I went to the grocery store,

I did not just buy healthy food.

I bought, um...

A whole container of fried chicken

And ate it all,

And chocolate milk

And the biggest nutella.

♪♪

When you said a big thing of nutella, like, one of these?

And you ate the whole thing in one day?

Yeah.

Jeanette: it's very obvious that jazz's binge-eating

Is starting to spin out of control.

When it comes to eating, I lie to you guys all the time.

Greg: we haven't even spoken to doctor about why we're out here,

And that is already weighing on her heavy, and it's really...

For me, it's upsetting,

And it's almost like jazz knows it's significant.

Do you want to fix it or...

Obviously I want to, but I'm not able to.

I mean, you know that goes to an issue of maturity,

And you're going to have to focus of these things.

I'm immature. I know I'm immature.

I don't know...

You got to take the bull by the horns.

You got to, even if it's just baby steps,

Just make some changes.

I feel bad 'cause I feel like the support system is there,

But, you know, it's really an individual sport.

It's really something that she has to want to do on her own.

Jeanette: unfortunately, jazz is not super disciplined.

That's not where her mind is at right now.

She wants to do what jazz wants to do.

[ Knocks ]

-Oh, look who it is! -Hey!

-Hi. -Hug. Hug. Hug. Hug. Hug.

-How are you? -[ Chuckles ]

I saw jazz and her folks about six months ago,

And that was actually the first time

I've gotten to examine jazz.

So I called the jennings today

Because I've been speaking with colleagues,

And I wanted to get their take on a number of issues.

So I wanted to follow up with you in person

Just because your surgery will be very difficult

In terms of what even the most experienced surgeons

Have encountered. -Mm-hmm.

Not to bring up the bad news first,

But you gain in your b.m.i., Which is called body mass index,

Which basically looks at your weight compared to your height.

If we're going to get a hospital to say,

"We're going to allow a surgery at age ,"

You're going to have to be at a lower b.m.i.

Literally, they won't approve it if your b.m.i. Is one dot over.

When it translates to pounds, it's about pounds.

♪♪

Jazz: the fact that I might not be able to get the surgery

If I don't lose pounds, I am absolutely horrified.

I knew that my weight was a problem,

But I didn't realize that it could affect something

That I've been waiting for my entire life.

Why do they decline you if your b.m.i. Is too high?

If there's more fat, if there's more weight,

It makes the surgery longer and it makes it more difficult.

We haven't had a lot of kids who have had their puberty blocked

And then are facing surgery at some point in the future.

So we want to go into this

With every arrow we can in our quiver.

You know what I'm saying?

Dr. Bowers: what we're finding is that

As one new technology emerges,

Like hormone blockade, nobody thought we could block puberty,

It creates another problem elsewhere.

Now we don't have enough tissue to create

The adult genitals of the opposite sex.

We solve one problem, but we create another.

It's a little bit of a whac-a-mole

Kind of approach to medicine,

But this is how medicine advances.

How many have you seen like jazz?

We've done more than a dozen.

As suppressed as me?

Not quite as suppressed as you.

So I'm the most suppressed you've ever seen?

You're pretty much there.

We want to get as much skin from everywhere.

What I'm actually thinking is that maybe what we do

Is we prescribe topical testosterone.

[ Groans, sighs ]

I just don't want that part of my body growing at all.

But isn't that part of the point?

Down...but thatisthe point.

That's point, I know.

I already have dysphoria as it is,

But knowing that that part of my body

Is going to be growing more,

This sounds like my worst nightmare.

Has your doctor looked at your testosterone level?

It's very low.

Women have testosterone,

And testosterone is a large part of what drives libido.

Have you tried a little bit...

I've tried, but...

...to get positive feelings and even orgasm?

I've tried and with no prevail.

I have such a low libido from, you know,

The suppression and the blockers.

I just don't have any sexual desires,

And it's honestly frustrating.

The one other thing I want to add is that of tissue expanders.

A tissue expander is an implantable device

That you implant beneath the penile skin.

It's like a balloon, but you fill it with a sterile fluid

To gradually stretch the skin to be harvested for a graft.

Is it very painful?

It can be painful because -- but it is gradual.

How long would I have to have this expander in my body?

-Three to six months? -Jazz and jeanette: ooh.

♪♪

Why do we need to do the expander,

The cream, and the graft?

Can't we just do one or the other?

Well, there's one other thing I want to add.

Oh. Okay. [ Laughs ]

There's a way that we can take

Part of the inside stomach sack called the peritoneum.

-Okay. -And it has a lot of advantages.

It produces its own secretions,

So it provides lubrication.

But the downside is that it's a relatively new procedure.

How many times have you done this, you know,

Stomach lining operation?

Personally, I've only done it the --

I've only done it one time.

-One time? -Mm-hmm.

I think it would be good if you visited dr. Ting at mount sinai.

Dr. Bowers: dr. Jess ting is a faculty member

At mount sinai hospital in new york.

He's become an expert

In transgender medicine and surgery,

And he has used peritoneal lining as a graft material.

Greg: and how many times have they utilized that?

Well, I don't.... You know, I don't really know that number.

Greg: I'm not ecstatic that we have to go to new york

To consult with yet another doctor.

Also, any time you're talking about

Not having done the procedure often,

I-i get concerned.

Also, in preparing for surgery,

We know we'll need therapist letters.

I haven't approached the therapist yet

About the letters 'cause I didn't...

To me, it was such a no-brainer that we'll get these letters.

[ Stammers ]

You just have to have the letters.

It's just simply -- it's a requirement.

It's a double-check for her and for you.

We really are walking a tight rope.

We have the skin issue. We have the orgasm issue.

It's the weight issue.

You know, these are really important things

That we don't want to look back on and say,

"Gee, I don't -- we didn't think of that."

-I'm a tough case. -You're a tough case.

Yeah.

-This is so much. [ Laughs ] -dr. Bowers: it really is.

I-i just -- you know what I don't understand?

People -- people thin, you know, we choose to be transgender,

We choose to go down this journey,

And we do it for "attention,"

We do it for all these other reasons,

But, literally, who would choose to do all this?

-You know? -I totally agree.

♪♪

-Greg: after you. -Jeanette: thank you. Ugh.

So much information running through my brain.

It, like, hurts my head.

Greg: we are overwhelmed.

Like, she hit us over the head with a brick or...

-Four or five bricks. -...a x.

I personally feel pretty strongly

That the tissue expander should be a very, very last resort.

But why didn't that issue come up

In the four consultations that we had?

-This expander? I know. -Greg: the topic never come up.

We haven't ever heard mention in any of the consults

Previously about the tissue expanders

Or about the peritoneal lining,

And it's a little baffling to me.

A couple months ago, we picked a doctor,

And now, we may not be able to move forward at all.

Jazz: in some ways, I feel like marci overpromised

What she said she could do for me surgically.

I feel like I've had to make so many choices already,

And I'm just tired of it.

I thought I was just gonna get operation,

The standard vaginoplasty, bada boom, bada bang.

But now, I might have to get tissue expanders and skin grafts

And a peritoneal lining,

Along with the vaginoplasty and inversion,

So it's just so much going on.

We still have to get the two letters,

So I think the letters will be fine.

But I don't know how long you should wait on that letter.

You act like it's a snap of the fingers.

Because I've talked to tons of people about the letters.

Dad, I really think it is a snap of a finger.

-It's not hard. -It happens within a day's time.

If b.m.i. Is such a big component of this,

What makes you so sure that a doctor

Is gonna write a letter?

How'd we jump to that? I didn't say that.

Well, I don't know. I mean, that's another component

To be able to to have the procedure.

What if they say that, well, if a person can't control...

Their eating.

...their eating, you know, they can't get the letter either.

We can't -- nothing can go --

No, I don't want to talk about that.

Jazz, you must be able to get your b.m.i. In the zone.

You can't have the procedure if you don't do that.

♪♪

Will she really deny me?

-Jeanette: yeah. Yeah. -That was pretty crystal clear.

-Jeanette: it was the hospital. -Don't you think it's fixable?

That's something that you can do.

I can't fix it, dad. I don't know.

[ Crying ] I'll try, but it's so hard for me

'Cause I just love food, and I like...

-Jeanette: I do, too. -I love to binge eat.

-I love it. -[ Greg and jeanette laugh ]

[ Laughs ] I just really do.

I'm not sure if my parents understand

How deeply connected I am to food.

I have a huge problem, and while it may seem easy to just

Cut down the calories, for me, it's a lot more difficult

'Cause I use it as a comfort

And as a way to deal with stress in my life.

We're going to do everything in our power to make you happy

And to make you healthy, and that's it.

We're a team. Okay?

Greg: what's become abundantly clear here

Is that jazz has an issue just being healthy in general.

Jeanette: we can't let it go any further.

I definitely believe, if left to her own devices,

This could get worse.

Jazz definitely needs help.

♪♪

Next time on "I am jazz"...

I have to lose pounds

Before I can get the surgery.

Whoo!

Oh, you think you're faster than me, huh?

You're a good big brother, ut I love griffen more.

Jazz, what would you like to gain out of this process?

Sorry. I always cry.

I am visiting a hypnotherapist because my eating issues

Are beyond my control.

[Gently ] this is a place of healing.

This is a place of transformation.

Jeanette: we got a call from this radio producer.

They have a show that they want us to go on,

And they're gonna bring on a scientist

That has a belief that it's best not to go on hormones

Until after puberty 'cause they think

% Of the kids are gonna change their mind.

Jazz: the podcast is about to begin,

And I am definitely feeling a little tense.

How do you feel about transitioning before puberty?

Woman:right now, we have no evidence that people are,

In fact, born this way.