04x05 - Trans Girl Meets Girl

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "I am jazz"...

To be in a relationship is one of my primary focuses, though.

Is this a soul mate or a sexual mate?

Grandma!

It's possible that dr. Ting

Is gonna recommend the tissue expander.

We're at the airport,

On our way to meet dr. Ting in new york city.

This consultation is, like... Ugh, and I'm just not ready.

I'm scared.

One of the things we can do is we can put in a tissue expander,

Which is a skin stretcher.

In the scrotum, as it blows up, it stretches the skin,

And that can create new skin.

This sounds like my worst nightmare.

Jazz: years ago, I was assigned male at birth,

But inside, I always knew I was a girl.

I have a girl brain and a boy body.

Being transgender hasn't been easy...

We really are walking a tightrope.

-I'm a tough case. -You're a tough case.

-Come on, jazz! -Whoo!

Go for it, girl!

...but it's made me who I am.

I am jazz.

--Captions by vitac-- www.vitac.com

Captions paid for by discovery communications

♪♪

Man: okay. So we'll, uh, we'll see you upstairs. Okay?

It's post-exam time, and the suspense is k*lling me

Because I am worried that dr. Ting will say

That I do need the tissue expander.

[ Sighs ]

As far as a tissue expander is concerned...

Mm-hmm?

...you just -- you don't need it.

-Oh! [ Laughs ] -yes!

You scared me there for a second.

-Yay. -High five!

-Whoo! -[ Laughs ]

I think you'd be a great candidate

For using the peritoneum and a skin graft

From the groin.

-My dreams just came true. -Yay!

I feelsomuch better knowing that I do not need

The tissue expander.

Having that balloon between my legs, just...

No, honey, no.

And now I could just completely forget about it.

I mean, now, if you told me that you really wanted

To have a tissue expander... -Oh, hell to the no.

[ Laughter ] -okay.

She has enough skin in the scrotum

To make the labia.

That's what I was really looking for, because the vag*na itself,

I know I can make

From the skin graph and the peritoneum.

What about her b.m.i.? Um, dr. Bowers was concerned.

We are absolutely fine. We have operated

On plenty of patients with higher b.m.i.s than you.

Knowing that the surgery isn't on the line is good.

I know, in her little brain, she's going "yes!

"I can eat whatever I want now,

And I don't have to do this diet, starvation."

This is not a good thing, actually.

Everything you said, it's just, like,

All my dreams have come true.

♪♪

It's a nice... Not-so-sunny day.

Jazz: look over there. Look over there.

[ Jeanette laughs ]

Greg: the twins would call that hot yoga.

-Oh. -I see some familiar faces.

Ari: hello!

Greg: what kind of trouble did you guys get into?

We did everything. We've seen everything to see in new york.

While you guys were busy at the doctor, though,

We were eating and eating

And eating and eating and eating.

I think our family has an eating problem.

-Jazz: me, especially. -We just all eat too much.

-We're foodies. -Ari: we live to eat.

So how did the consultation go?

It actually went really, really, really well.

I do not need a tissue expander.

He also said that I could get the peritoneum procedure.

Like, I'm a good candidate for it.

I'm very relieved to hear jazz does not need a tissue expander

Because jazz wouldn't be able to work out that much,

And if she wants to lose weight,

She needs to work out as much as possible.

All right, well, with all said and done,

We still have to go back and talk to marci.

And you know what?

Until we have a date set, I'm not gonna be, like,

Completely relaxed and feel like we're there yet.

-Too much vag*na talk. -Greg: I think sander's right.

Why don't we go for a ride on the carousel?

Uh, can we go on the carousel? I want to go on the carousel.

Tired of vaginas.

♪ Tired of vaginas ♪

We're so relieved that dr. Ting is thefinalconsultation

We have to go to for jazz's bottom surgery.

And now we have a game plan,

And it's just a matter of getting a date

And moving forward and --

Yeah, that's what we thought last year.

I'm done. [ Chuckles ]

Imagine jazz doing this with the tissue expander in.

-Ari: oh, my god. -It would explode. [ Laughs ]

-Stop. -Greg: that's a lovely thought.

-It would burst. -Greg: giddyap.

♪♪

♪♪

-Michaela: how are you? -I'm good. How are you?

I'm good. I'm good.

I mean, it's crazy that I haven't hung out with you

Since we...went to the pizza shop, yeah.

Were at the pizza place, yeah, and I know

The kids are on their way, so they should be here soon.

Jazz: I'm meeting up with michaela

And my friends from the mixer at this pottery craft store.

-Excuse me. -Yeah.

Do you have any metallic colors or no?

-I should have gold and silver. -Oh. Can I have gold, please?

Yay.

Painting together is a good way to bond

Because it's relaxing, enjoyable.

You just get to do your own thing.

You could paint and talk at the same time,

And it's just really... It's a fun experience.

So how's your transition been going?

I mean, right now, I'm kind of at the surgery step.

Mm-hmm.

So I did just go on a family trip to new york

'Cause I had a doctor appointment there.

That's...been fun.

-Jax: I'm sure. [ Chuckles ] -evan: are you excited for it?

-Are you nervous for it? -Yeah. How you feeling about it?

Definitely a big procedure.

-Mm-hmm. -And I'm excited for it.

I've been wanting it my whole life,

And I know that I'm ready for it,

So I try not to think about it

'Cause I think about it so much when it...

Yeah. [ Laughs ] I'm sure. Yeah....when I have to talk about it

Or when I'm at, like, a consultation.

Definitely.

I just realized you're painting your pineapple teal.

-Hey. -Teal is a pretty color.

She can be a nonbinary pineapple.

She can be any color she wants to be.

[ Laughter ]

Michaela, how are things going with you and your boyfriend?

They're going really well.

You kiss enough frogs, and you eventually find a prince, right?

Evan: yeah.

Anybody else else have anything exciting and new

Going on with relationships?

Not yet, really, yet.

Not yet. I'm letting -- letting things come to me.

Especially being transgender,

I feel like it's almost not as easy for,

You know, people like me and jazz.

I feel like it would be a lot easier for us to find a partner

If we had it as the heart, not the part.

I don't care what's between the legs.

I kind of care what more is in the heart.

It's just about, you know,

What's on the inside that counts.

A lot of people think that we're just a confused gay person,

And I've been told that more than enough times.

That's true.

What do you think you would be looking for

In somebody that you would like to explore a relationship with?

I feel like intellect is really important for me.

Like, I like someone who is smart and who could, like,

Speak with me on that level 'cause...

Yeah. I totally agree.

...i mean, I don't hate you if you're dumb.

[ Laughter ] -we can be friends and stuff,

But we just -- we can't go beyond that.

There's something about that that was really bad.

I know. That sounded really bad.

Your i.q. Has to be at least, like, to talk to me.

Jazz: no, no, no.

It's more just, like, as long as they can understand, like...

-Yeah, of course. -As long as you can have

An intellectual conversation with someone...

Exactly.jazz: I'm just a complex person.

If I limit it to five qualities,

I would say intelligent, kindness,

Flexible, fun,

Loving, and confid-- that's six. All right.

So, if y'all know anybody like that,

Let me know, boy, girl, or in the in-between.

Jazz: I identify as pansexual, and being pansexual means

That you love an individual for their personality and soul.

No matter their label, their sexual orientation,

Gender identity, you know, anything, really,

Race, religion, whatever they are,

You love someone for their heart and who they are on the inside.

Evan: I always hear, like, a lot of people say

That pansexuality is, like,

A glorified, like, person who is bisexual.

-Whatever. -Ugh.

We're little floating noodles who love everybody.

-We're floating noodles. -[ Chuckles ]

-Yeah. -Noodles.

It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody's soul first.

-Evan: yeah. -Jax: true.

But it's okay if you're not like that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, heck, yeah.

I think it's time for me to pay it forward.

What? [ Laughs ]

What do you mean?

Michaela: I think I can introduce jazz

To people in my life

That may be good friends for her,

Good potential partners for her.

I kind of want to, like, throw it and catch it.

-I triple-dog dare you. -I'm gonna have a heart att*ck.

-Oh! [ Bowl shatters ]

Yay! [ Laughs ]

-All right. You did it. -Came out great.

♪♪

Who would take a bite of banana

And then just shove it back somewhere?

Somebody who just wanted a bite of a banana.

[ Laughs, claps hands ]

I really tried to get it in.

Why don't you just leave it where it is?

And let's see if anybody walks in and slips on the banana peel.

[ Sighs heavily ]the girl with the blanket pants.

What, you just wake up from a nap?

She wears ball gowns now into the kitchen.

I came down here 'cause aren't we supposed

To call marci bowers or... -We are.

We're calling marci bowers to just tell her

How my consultation went with dr. Ting.

[ Ring ]

-Oh, it connects to us. -It's connecting.

And now I just need two therapy letters,

And I need to set a date for the procedure.

-Hey. -Jazz: hello.

Jeanette: look at that gorgeous woman on our screen.

Oh, my god!

So I'm anxious to hear. How did it go with dr. Ting?

-It went very, very well. -Great.

He told us that we do not need the tissue expander.

What did he think about the amount of skin

That you had, though?

He basically said my proportions were perfect

For what he envisions that a female vag*na would look like.

Well, let me ask you.

How are you feeling about therapy?

Are you working on the letters?

First person will be dr. Volker, but she has to go to her.

She hasn't been with her for awhile.

It's gonna be a piece of cake.

Well, I have been resistant to therapy in the past.

I don't think it's gonna be like

A nitty-gritty real therapy session,

But rather something like,

"Okay, you're transgender, right, girl?

"Like, you really want to be a woman.

"You live your life as a woman. You are a woman,"

And then it's gonna be... Boom, done, yay.

Dr. Bowers, one thing that dr. Ting said was that

He didn't think that the b.m.i. Was as big as an issue.

While I agree, technically, it's possible,

From a complication standpoint,

You want to be on the lower end of the b.m.i. Scale.

Keep in mind who is doing your surgery.

He did make that clear that you are the master surgeon, though.

If it's really not right, the date doesn't get set,

So don't forget that.

I feel terrible knowing that there's no easy way

To handle this weight loss thing.

Two surgeons are saying different things

About my b.m.i.,

And it kind of just feels like I'm back to where I started.

Plus I want to see jazz heading in the right direction.

Jeanette: mm-hmm.

Jazz needs to lose weight

Because it physically can compromise

The results of surgery from blood flow.

And if she's not an ideal candidate,

It's going to make it more difficult

To get approval for her, as an adolescent,

To have surgery before the age of .

Not happy about it.

I want her to be in the best possible shape.

Jazz knows the severity of this issue,

But sometimes she procrastinates.

-Take care. Mwah! Bye! -Be well.

I don't think jazz thinks that she needs to lose the weight

At this moment in time because surgery, for example,

Is pretty far off in the horizon.

-Whatever. -You're gonna do it.

This is just back to where we started,

So I guess I have to look at it that way.

Look at it as a good thing, not a bad thing.

It's just a lot of added stress to lose this weight,

And I want it to be something, you know, easy and fun for me.

However it's become so serious

Knowing that this surgery is on the line.

♪♪

We've talked a little bit about

You wanting to be in a relationship,

And I happened to meet a girl

Who I think you would really like.

Wait. A girl?

Let's do like "the biggest loser" and have a weigh-in,

But you don't have to tell me what you weigh.

You can't see the number.

Jazz: it's kind of a fine line in terms of my mom

Helping or hurting me with this weight loss thing.

♪♪

♪♪

Woman: look past your right fingertips.

Take the left hand down the left leg.

Reach your right arm up and over.

After dr. Bowers threw this curveball about weight loss,

I wanna feel motivated to lose weight and lower my b.m.i.,

So today I am meeting up with my friends to do yoga

And continue my path of losing weight for this surgery.

Walk yourself back over to that left-side lunge,

Step it back in to your high plank pose.

Exhale. Push back, downward facing dog.

I think jazz having the support of her friends

While she's trying to lose weight is really motivational

Because she knows she's not going to be able to stop

Because they're going to be right behind her, pushing her.

And we have the same goal, too, so it's, like, more motivation.

-Can we help you with this? -Ooh. Did you hear that?

I went like that and it was, like...

I kept dying 'cause every time, like, I'd turn around,

I'd hear one of your bones break, like...

-Oh. -Did you cr*ck?

I know my bones cr*ck, but noelle's cracked more,

I feel like.

I don't know. Ever since I went to new york,

I feel like I've fallen off the wagon in weight loss.

Didn't you have some sort of doctor appointment

While you were there? -Yes.

Dr. Ting, and basically, he said that

I don't need a tissue expander.

All I'm going to need is a skin graft,

And then he could use the peritoneal lining,

And they'll do the inversion to create my vag*na.

It's exciting to hear that jazz

Doesn't have to do the tissue expander anymore

Because I know that she tends to dwell on things,

And now she doesn't have to worry about,

You know, what path she's going to take.

Oh, good.

I'm so happy you don't have to do the expander thing...

-Oh, my gosh. -Oh, my god.

And then I have to tuck and then I can no longer do yoga.

You can do yoga even if you have to tuck.

♪♪

Words from an experienced yogi.

Yeah.

Talking about graphic stuff with jazz isn't something new,

So it's not something that's weird to us

Because we all have some sort of issue.

We can always talk about it.

We're comfortable with each other, so it's not a big deal.

Are any of you guys in relationships or no?

-Jayleen: no. -Lainey, are you? -No.

I have no desire for a relationship.

Outside of school, I've been trying to branch out

A little bit and meet people that would be interested

In dating a trans girl.

I don't know.

Like, you've never been one to want a relationship,

So this is kinda new for me. -Lainey: yeah.

It's odd that jazz wants to be in a relationship

Because she's never been that type of person,

But I think, now that she's closer to getting the surgery

And she's working out more,

She's starting to see herself differently.

Who said it's even gonna happen?

I haven't found anyone. And who knows?

Yeah. I just really want this person to be really nice

'Cause if not, I'm gonna have to do something.

Lainey: yeah, and, like, treat you right. Yeah.

The three of us are gonna...

If they ever hurt her, they're going to wake up one day

And they're going to find, like, three people at their door.

-Yeah. -It's going to be like,

"I'm the short, hispanic, crazy friend

"And I'm here to hurt you.

Like, hello." [ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

-No. Don't do that to me. -Michaela: she's so scared.

Oh, my god. I got a lot of it on here.

-You done? -No.

Just rub. That's great. I like it.

-No. -[ Laughs ]

It's all...you didn't even get the edges.

Ever since jazz expressed to me how much

She wants to be in a relationship

And she wants to find love,

I've kind of been on a mission,

Trying to find somebody who will be great for jazz' life

Whether as a friend or something more.

I know we've talked a little bit about you

Wanting to be in a relationship and just meeting new people,

And I actually happened to meet a girl

Who I think you would really like.

-Wait. A girl? -Her name's victoria.

-What? -And she's ,

And she's pansexual.

Has she dated anyone before?

She's dated a girl before.

I know her first kiss was a girl.

And you said her name is victoria?

-Victoria, yeah. -Victoria.

-Yes. -Like, what is she like?

She's really cool.

She's super "go with the flow," and she doesn't wear dresses.

Oh. She doesn't wear dresses?

She doesn't wear dresses.

So she's kind of, like, rough or no?

-No, she's... -[ Laughs ]

She's got beautiful, long brunette hair,

And she plays water polo but she's not a jock.

-That's interesting. -Right?

I was, like, that's weird, but I think

She's a perfect mix of masculinity and femininity.

I definitely have a little bit of hesitation

Just because,in the past,

I only have gone out with boys, and I'm not sure what to expect.

Have you told her about me? Like, is she willing to meet me?

Yeah. She's actually willing to hang out and meet you.

She's super cool.

Victoria is open to dating someone who is transgendered,

And that's really cool.

However, I just never have

Actually experienced dating anyone but a guy,

So I hope that she's a good girl,

Not like some mean girl who, like...

I don't know, who is mean, but just someone who's nice

And fun to be around and kind of like me.

I don't want to get ahead of myself but, like,

'Cause this sounds too good to be true.

-You're skeptical. -But can we not make it, like,

An awkward, like, one-on-one date?

God, no! No. We'll...

Let's just have fun together, and then, like, first, like,

I'll assess her, like, as a friend,

And then I won't think of it that way.

-You know what I mean? -Girl, let me work my magic,

And we'll all hang out. And...i'm excited.

Jazz: when it comes to matchmaking, I definitely trust michaela.

I feel like michaela has a great judge of character,

So I'm hoping that this person that she found

Is really a good match for me.

I know, I feel like I've been on this endless search

For somebody,

And then here's michaela, my little fairy godmother like,

"Bippity boppity boo, I've got somebody for you,

Doo, doo, doo."

Oh, the world is a magical place, right?

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Ta-da!

-You're in. -It fits.

-Turn around. -My ass look flat?

I wouldn't say flat, but at least

It doesn't look humongous or anything.

-It doesn't look humongous? -No.

But at least you fit into your uniform.

-You know what that means? -What?

We don't have to go uniform shopping.

Yay! It's still very tight, though.

Since returning from new york,

I'm worried that I'm gaining weight because each day

I go to school, the uniform just fits tighter and tighter.

It's becoming a challenge to zip up these shorts,

And it just feels very uncomfortable.

Honestly, I was a little scared of putting these pants on

'Cause I wasn't sure if they were gonna fit or not.

Let's do like "the biggest loser" and have a weigh-in,

But you don't have to tell me what you weigh.

You want me to weigh in right now?

I'm gonna bring the scale.

You're going to see how we're doing because we want...

-You can't see the number. -I won't look.

I don't want anybody to see my number.

Jazz: after I visited dr. Marci bowers,

I felt really motivated to lose weight,

And I ended up losing several pounds

From that initial weigh-in,

But I'm worried that I might be heading in the wrong direction.

[ Strained voice ] right here.

All right. I'm not looking. I will close my eyes.

♪♪

This is bad.

Yeah. You're witnessing jazz's path to lesbianity.

-Hey! -Hey!

Seeing victoria kind of makes me feel a little bit intimidated.

[ Strained voice ] right here.

All right. I'm not looking. I will close my eyes.

♪♪

I gained weight.

I'm pounds more.

When I see the number on the scale,

I'm very disappointed.

I'm gaining weight, and I can't help it,

And it's definitely hard to process this setback.

Do you think I'm fat?

No. I wouldn't call you fat.

Why do you call me fat sometimes?

Well, I do that to just get you going.

I go, "you don't want to be fat," that kind of thing.

-You know, sometimes you say... -I don't think you look fat.

...like, if I saw how I looked, that I would be more motivated.

Well, that's when you go to mcdonald's,

And you brought home mcdonald's, and you're like,

"I don't care," and I'm like, "jazz, look at yourself.

See what you look like, and then you would care,"

Because you're, like, in denial, and you're like, "oh," you know?

If it wasn't this whole surgery thing, you know, I'd be like,

"All right. If you're happy with the way you look, then fine,"

But this is for health reasons and for surgery reasons.

That's why I get angry with you when you cheat,

Because you're sabotaging yourself.

I know.

Jazz: it's kind of a fine line in terms of my mom

Helping or hurting me with this weight loss thing.

On one end of the spectrum, she really is there for me,

And she wants to ensure that I lose weight and be healthy

And do what I need to do.

However, she can be very harsh, and that kind of discourages me.

I'm going to just focus on one problem at a time,

And right now it's just getting the therapy letters.

Dr. Marilyn volker, she's easy.

She's our first letter.

Clearly, she's been with me since I was years old.

So, I mean, let's just get it done with, honestly.

Yay.

Applause! Jazz said she'll go to therapy,

But just to get the letter.

We're not going to be like, "so how was your past week?"

Jeanette: jazz thinks she's got this covered.

However, there's the eating stuff,

And I don't know if dr. Volker will give a thumbs-up

Because what's behind the eating.

♪♪

Griffen: put your phone away. We need to pack.

-Oh, my god. -Griffen: oh, my god is right.

Hey, rainbow shirt.

You guys are packing everything up?

Trying to.

Being home is fun, but, yeah, going back to college,

I'm pretty excited.

I'm about to go on my first hangout with a girl,

And I just want to talk to my brothers.

They're not necessarily the best people to turn to

When it comes to advice and dating girls

Because they don't really date girls.

They hook up with girls.

But they can give me that insight,

And what I do with that person is up to me.

Let's say, hypothetically,

I was interested in a girl.

How do you guys attract the ladies?

How do you attract the ladies?

It's interesting for my little sister

To be even asking me that. -Yeah.

That's not a question I'd expect you to ask me,

But I support if you're interested

In dating girls, for sure.

Sander: we've never told jazz how to live her life,

So now she says she's pansexual.

She's pansexual.

Woman: do you understand what "pansexual" is?

Good question.

I-i think pansexual means

One day, you like this gender,

And the next day, you like thisgender? No, not quite.

No. You, like, pretty much like both.

Yeah. You like both.

Woman: it's actually not about gender at all.

It's about, like, you're attracted

To a person's personality,

And, like, you don't even see gender.

-Really? -Woman: yeah.

Oh. See? Yeah.

I mean, like, I learn new things every day.

-Um, to attract girls... -Griffen: hmm.

Well...

Girls don't like when you're that clingy,

But they like when you show attention.

No, but some girls do.

Griffen: you got to be, like, you got to call them pretty.

-Call 'em pretty. -"Pretty" is a good word.

-"Beautiful..." -"Beautiful."

...the key to a girl's heart.

Once you tell 'em they're beautiful, and they're like,

"Oh, my god. Thank you so much," you'd be like,

"No need to thank me for pointing out the obvious."

Oh, my god.

Well, my best dating advice to you would be, be yourself.

I feel like, with you, you need to find a girl

That you have a real connection with.

And you might just be friends

And you might just never get out of the friend zone,

But, like, you never know when one day it clicks,

And you break that barrier.

And those, I feel like, are the best relationships,

Especially for someone like you.

Jazz: sometimes my brothers are a little goofy.

However, I did learn some little things here and there,

But I definitely think me being transgender

Causes me to have a harder time finding a romantic partner.

The only thing you guys can not do is,

If I'm in a relationship with a girl,

You better not take my girl.

-I would never do that. -[ Laughs ]

I never would have thought that would be an option for me,

To steal my sister's girl.

♪♪

So how you feeling about this?

I just want to get it done,

Like, bada-boom bada-bing, you know?

-Hello. -Hi!

I'm meeting with dr. Volker to get my first letter

For the gender confirmation surgery.

So as you know, we're approaching the date of surgery,

And we're here because she needs her letters of recommendation.

It's a letter to affirm that

All of the steps and requirements

Have been assessed and checked off,

And many of them, of course, are already met.

Dr. Volker has been seeing jazz since she was itty-bitty,

Has been with us the entire journey,

And she is the go-to for this letter.

I'd like to speak with jazz by herself,

If you're okay with that. -Absolutely.

I'm pretty confident that dr. Marilyn volker

Will write me the letter.

She knows that I'm obviously transgender,

And I know that she's just gonna check off all the boxes,

Sign me off, and then I can move on with this process.

Most teenagers don't like to come in

And go through this process of assessing.

I don't know. How do you feel?

I mean, it's fine to me.

It's something that I need to get done.

You know what I mean?

How do you feel about your body at this point?

I mean, obviously I'm not happy with it.

There is dysphoria, which is clear

'Cause I have gender dysphoria.

In your mind,

When you have that vag*na made,

The vaginoplasty, how is it you think you're going to feel?

I'm definitely going to be happier with my body.

I mean, there is still the weight problem,

But that's almost separate, you know?

Okay.

Oh, yes, because you might have to face that, absolutely.

That's, um, I'm glad you're saying that

Because I wouldn't want you to think that,

"Just because I get this vag*na made

I'm gonna be, like, all of a sudden thinner."

Yeah. No, obviously not.

Volker: recently jeanette said that jazz has gained weight,

And it's been many months since I have seen jazz

Physically in my office,

So it's very critical to talk about her binge eating.

Did any of the doctors say anything about weight

In relationship to the surgery coming up?

Um, they said I need to lose pounds

Before I could get the surgery done.

However, it's been a struggle, and it's just...

The reason why it's so difficult is 'cause I'm a binge eater,

And I take a lot of comfort in food.

-I'm a stress eater. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And I almost don't want to stop myself

Because I love food so much.

It's, like, hard to let go.

I don't care if I die a few years earlier

Just because of food.

Oh. Okay.

So food, you find comfort in.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

When do you need comfort?

I'm just very stressed,

And I'm not always very happy, so...

Do you wake up and... "I'm stressed"?

I mean, if I have to go to school, yeah.

What don't you like about school?

Or what's stressful about school?

I don't like anything about school.

Jazz: I appreciate education,

But I don't have a lot of friends at my school,

And there's no one who I can really talk to.

I feel lonely sometimes.

It's hard 'cause I'm such a perfectionist,

So it's either I try my hardest and be valedictorian,

Or I drop out of high school.

Those are the ends of the spectrum.

Do you think that you expect too much of you?

Yeah. I mean, like,

There's definitely a lot of things

That I have to do and things where I have to be serious,

Where I have to be an adult.

I've had to face a lot of big decisions in my life,

Especially when it comes to this surgery,

And...it's difficult.

There's always something that goes wrong with me,

Especially with me trying this experimental procedure.

It's only been done about times.

There are problems that can occur,

And problems always seem to hit me one way or another.

-Oh. -Yeah.

It's almost like someone is testing me.

Okay, okay.

And I feel like most people would be able to juggle it

And get through it, but I don't know.

I'm not very good at getting through it.

That's probably why I go in my room and shelter myself

And...all that.

Oh. Is that how you cope?

Well, I mean, that's the only thing

I like to do in life right now,

Is just lay down, watch tv on my computer while eating.

Every one of us has to really look at this.

Now the only thing is,

See, there's positive coping and negative coping.

A lot of people who go through stress and anxiety

Will cope in a variety of ways.

She chose food.

Right now there must be, then, comfort in eating.

Yeah, but that's not very productive, is it?

Well, you would have to assess that.

You're moving on something called harm reduction.

So what kinds of other activities would you do

To provide comfort?

That would be the whole idea.

I don't know.

You take one coping behavior away,

You have to put something else in its place.

That is the process of this harm reduction,

But underneath this are still a number

Of very stressful and insecurities

That need to be addressed along the way.

You have a target date set

For "when I'd like to be able to have this surgery"?

Probably the beginning of summer.

All right. Okay.

So it gives us enough time here

To really work on some of those goals.

-Mm-hmm. -Great.

Uh, let's bring mom in.

Jazz: I'm a little bit nervous

About today's session with dr. Volker

Because she seems very distraught

About this weight loss thing.

I'm sure you had a wonderful session.

We did. I've been asking you a lot of questions

To go through some things, mostly about this letter.

I just need to know, like, what the next step is with the letter

And make sure she's in the right place.

I think she's trying to say, "are we getting the letter?"

♪♪

How many relationships have you been in, victoria?

I'm counting right now. Like, fi--

Six...or seven?

I just want to clearly make sure we're doing what we need to do

To have the letter and everything in place,

That we make sure she's in the right place.

I think she's trying to say, "are we getting the letter?"

In the letter, I'm going to be saying

That jazz has been very clearly aware of healthiness

In facing a surgery.

It's not just about weight.

It's about behind it, that kind of anxiety and comfort.

I would like to see you working on harm reduction.

I would like to have you come back to go through some things,

Mostly about the weight.

I really still don't want you to just live in anxiousness.

I want you to think about, "what could I do to find comfort

With something different that may not be as much food?"

And I obviously don't want you to stop eating.

Then I'm willing to write the letter.

Jeanette: this whole weight thing, it's become an albatross.

We need to get a handle on it right now

Because I'm really worried if she is mentally

And physically sound to have this surgery.

Marilyn is one of the tops in the field, if notthetop,

And, you know, I have to trust the doctor.

Jazz: it's pretty disappointing, really,

That dr. Marilyn volker didn't sign this letter.

I feel like I know that I'm ready for this operation.

I've wanted it my entire life, and I feel like its very obvious

That getting my letters for this surgery

Will be harder than I originally thought.

♪♪

Jazz: you know I don't play basketball, right?

Greg: that's okay. That makes two of us.

I don't play basketball either.

Here's what we're going to do, though.

You're going to move around a little,

But we're going to actually play, so dribble.

-I don't know how to dribble. -Yeah. Just dribble like this.

You could even pick it up if you want.

Okay, but I can't, like, do anything.

Here. Defend me. Get between me and the basket.

Do I look like I know how to defend you?

All right. You're not going to get...

I'm going for the basket.

Greg: jazz does not have a particular affinity towards basketball,

And neither do i.

I think of basketball as a way for just me and jazz

To do something active together,

And it gives us a little daddy/daughter time.

So tell me about your meeting with marilyn.

-What happened? -It didn't go that great.

What happened?

So, I mean, we talked about a lot of stuff,

So don't get me wrong.

But, like, the main negative takeaway

Was that she said she's not gonna sign a letter

Unless I lose weight.

Well, why is that?

I mean, how did she get to that conclusion?

Because she thinks that I comfort eat

And eat out of stress, and that's,

Like, psychologically negative. -Yeah, but...

She wants me to reduce the harm to myself, harm reduction.

No parent wants to hear the term "harm reduction"

Used in a sentence

To describe what their child is going through.

Did she say the food is causing harm?

I mean, is that what she's saying?

It's harm, yeah. It is physical harm to my body.

Greg: the question is, is she gonna work on her weight now,

Or does she feel like she could delay

Some of this harm reduction?

How are we going to fix this issue?

How are we going to do it on a consistent basis?

You looked at me like I was the fattest person in the world,

And you're like, "how are we going to fix this issue?"

Jazz, you're not even fat. And I don't even like the term.

-That's not what's going on. -I'm chubby.

You just -- you're not the healthiest you could be.

I know.

Jazz: I don't necessarily think there's anything

My dad could do to be more supportive

Because he's not super judgmental about certain things.

And in that regard, I like talking to him

Because he has an open ear.

He's willing to listen and provide insight

Without criticizing me or what I'm doing.

So what other things do you think you're going

To do to, uh, get in shape?

Look, I don't want to play basketball, but I'm here.

As long as I'm moving around,

That's gonna help me lose those pounds.

I'm on team jazz.

I wanna help jazz get out there and get the ball rolling

And help her get her b.m.i. Down.

I'm part of the equation for harm reduction.

I will be a harm reducer to the extent I can be.

Hold on.

I just came up with an amazing analogy for the basketball hoop.

If you miss it...

You just gotta keep trying till you make it.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Jazz: skee-ball. Do you want to play skee-ball?

Jayleen: yeah. Let's go.

I like skee-ball, although I don't know if I'm good at it.

Today, michaela and her friend victoria

Are meeting up with jay and I to hang out.

No double dating. It's just us having a good time.

! Tie! [ Laughs ]

Jay understands me and my past dating life,

And this is definitely uncharted territory for me,

So I'm a little bit anxious.

Yeah. You're witnessing jazz's path to lesbianity.

[ Laughs ] les--

That's not even a thing.

Jayleen: I'm proud of jazz because dating as a teenager

Is already hard enough for anybody.

I don't mind if jazz dates a boy or a girl,

But as long as they're kind and accept her

And don't hurt her, then I'm good with it.

Jayleen: I got !

Oh! I got ! -Jazz: ohh!

I thought I was doing good.

-Oh, man. -Hey!

Hi! How are you?

-Hi. -You're so cute.

-Thank you. -So what are we doin'?

I wasn't necessarily expecting anything

When it came to meeting victoria.

I just went into it blindly.

And seeing her, I definitely think she's cute.

It kind of makes me feel a little bit intimidated.

You guys want to play this air hockey thing?

'Cause it looks really intense.

There's, like,... I think you play on teams.

-Yeah. -You guys want to do it?

Jazz: I just met victoria for the first time,

And I have to admit that she is very, very pretty.

-How do we want to do this? -Here. Come with me.

-You'll be on my team. -All right.

Jazz: it's very intimidating and puts a lot of pressure on me,

But I'm just going to be myself and hopefully have a great time.

Let's play with two. Let's just do it.

-Okay, one... -Aah!

I'm victoria. I'm years old.

I'm in th grade, and I've agreed to meet jazz

Because I'm open-minded

And I basically will be attracted to anyone

Regardless of what they identify as.

Transgender is included in that.

Oh!

Victoria: I basically, for the longest time,

Didn't really know what description I fit,

But then I stumbled upon pansexual,

And I realized that, that definition

Perfectly fit what I feel.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

-Aah! -Oh!

-Yes! -Jazz won.

Down.

-So what's next? -What do you want to do now?

Um, do you guys wanna go go-karting?

Yes. Let's do it.

In the past, I've had bad dating experiences.

I get a lot of anxiety worrying about

What we're gonna say or what we're gonna do.

So I want to approach this new situation with victoria

Differently and with an open mind.

-All right. -Oh! Ah!

♪♪

Jayleen: aah!

[ Motor idling ]

Oh, no. Oh, no! Can't get out!

[ Jayleen laughing ]

♪♪

-Ah! -Aah!

She cut me off!

Jazz: I'm definitely enjoying go-karting.

It makes the situation lighthearted.

Jazz: I'm b*ating you all!

Michaela: oh, my gosh. She's going so fast.

And that's something I really need

Because I don't like that pressure of making it

A dating experience.

Definitely need to get something to eat on.

My wrists are, like, in so much pain.

That was intense, the go-karting.

I'm so hungry after that. It was like a workout.

Those caps we had to wear under the helmets,

They reminded me of, like, what the swimmers wear.

Do you guys know what I'm talking about, swimmers wear?

Yeah, because I wear them for water polo.

Oh. Michaela was telling me that.

Yeah. I play water polo.

So what position do you play?

I would have to explain the set up,

'Cause do you know water polo rules?

-Is it like soccer? -Kind of.

-Really? -It's kind of like

If soccer and basketball had a baby in the water.

[ Laughs ] oh. Okay.

Michaela: I'm seeing a lot more of jazz' personality blossom

With victoria.

I'm seeing jazz open up, and she doesn't have those walls up

That I see she has with so many people,

And I think that victoria feels comfortable with jazz.

It's so beautiful.

So, like, there's just so many, like, smart people

On the team that I feel pressured.

My water polo team, we're notorious for being smart.

Well, if you're on the team,

Then doesn't that mean you're smart, too?

I mean, it should mean I'm smart,

But we'll see what college I get into.

Well, do you have, like, a high g.p.a. And all that stuff?

Yeah.

Jazz: victoria seems to be athletic and smart,

And that is something really exciting

Because I look for someone

Who, you know,

Can have those deep intellectual conversations with me

And is able to have a good time.

I've never been in a relationship.

She's been in three relationships.

How many have you been in?

More than , less than .

How do you guys find people? Like, I don't even know.

Like, how many relationships have you been in, victoria?

I'm counting right now. Like, fi--

Six...or seven?

-See? I am not that bad. -Maybe eight.

All these years you've been like, "jay, doo, doo, doo."

Butno,not that bad.

A little tense there. Um...

Jazz: victoria has a lot of experience,

And, with dating, I'm worried

If she's going to be attracted to someone like me

Because I haven't had a lot of experience.

And I feel like it's something I want to experience, like,

Just 'cause I feel like everyone should be in a relationship

When they're in high school, just to learn.

I mean, you don't have to, obviously,

But I know, like, people say its overrated, blah, blah, blah.

It's definitely not overrated.

-It's not. You learn. -It's not.

-You do learn a lot. -You learn a lot about people.

Okay, and I just haven't had that opportunity at all, so...

You learn to be at ease.

I mean, I just feel like a lot of people --

Sometimes people are intimidated by me,

Or other times, like, they just can't handle me

'Cause I'm too much.

I'm too much. You know I am too much.

Jazz seems really outgoing and fun,

And, like, I feel a good energy from her.

Like, there's no negative vibes anywhere there.

So many people take it so hard when I'm honest to them,

But like... -It's really not that deep.

Jazz: I want them to be honest with me.

I want you to dish it out with me,

And, like, I don't want to be rude, but I am rude...

There's a difference between being rude and honest.

Sometimes I am rude, though, and I try not to be, but...

Jayleen: she doesn't mean it, though,

And you know when she doesn't mean it.

Yeah, I know, because I'm the same way.

Jazz: I am definitely attracted to victoria,

Both physically and definitely personality-wise,

And I would love to get to know her better.

I really hope that victoria wants to see me again as well

Because I just really think she's a cool person,

And I hope she thinks the same way about me.

I don't know how you handle me. I don't know how you handle me.

-It's -- when somebody cares... -We'll see. We'll see.

We'll see. It's fine.

♪♪

What did you think about victoria?

I really think she dug you.

Like, I really did think she was awesome,

And I would hang out with her again if she'd be willing to.

I'm gonna make this happen.

Chocolate.

Well, it's thin. It might be good enough.

Jeanette: right now, in jazz's life, willpower is nonexistent.

-One per person. -That's my treat.

Every day that I go to school, it just is such a dread.

-So what's the other option? -Virtual school.

My fear is she could fall prey to just hanging out in her room,

Binge watching, eating,

And becoming more and more unhealthy.

[ Crying ] I don't know if I can handle it.

I'm thinking of saying

"Car wash, donations for transformations."

Man: what are the donations for?

My friend lin, here, she's transgender,

And we're trying to raise money for her hormones,

So it's for a good cause. -You can't change who you are.

We are just living our lives as who we are.

-We love ourselves, and we... -You don't love who you are.

...wish that you could embrace us, too.

You were born a certain way.

You don't love how you were born.

♪♪