06x07 - Under Pressure

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "I am jazz"...

Jojo wants to get breast augmentation,

But her grandma is not supportive at all.

I just feel that she's too young.

Jojo: grandma has completely backtracked.

I can't live like this anymore.

Sometimes it's not all just about you.

Jazz: my friend noelle, needs to raise $, for her surgery,

So we're doing a drag show fundraiser,

And I'm writing a song that I'm going to be performing.

♪ I am not getting it out ♪

I need this performance to be perfect.

God, what the [bleep].

Your anxiety is probably the most I've ever seen it.

I'm not performing the song.

Welcome to jazz's charity fundraiser.

As I'm performing, a bracelet completely just falls off

On both arms.

Well, that went bad.

I'm feeling defeated and disappointed with myself.

I'm done.

[ Sobbing ]

--Captions by vitac-- www.vitac.com

Captions paid for by discovery communications

Woman: jazz ran outside!

Jazz: I just had such high hopes and expectations for it

To be perfect for noelle and for myself,

But once I got out there,

Everything just seemed to go wrong.

It all went haywire, and I just can't brush it off.

Jazz? You did great.

It's over. Let's go have fun.

See, this is better than my real performance.

That's what you did.

That was iconic.

-You k*lled it. -That was epic.

I don't want you guys to come out thinking like,

"Oh, jazz is going to break down. Like, she wasn't perfect."

Jeanette: but we thought you were perfect.

-Jazz, wait. -No, listen!

You're not listening to me. -Okay, okay.

-Listen, it's... -Alright. Let's not talk.

-It's fine. -I...

-I feel... -Shh, shh, shh.

-Just let her speak. -Sander!

-Let her speak. -Like, it was a hot mess.

Like, I envisioned something completely different.

Jeanette: jazz is very emotional, and I do worry about her

Because something that a lot of us

Didn't even notice to her was a huge mishap.

Really, she shouldn't drive herself crazy

And make herself worried because she did a good job,

And these little things just don't matter.

You want to be alone?

Yeah, I do.

Do me a favor: don't leave this parking lot, okay?

-Fine. -Jazz?

Fine!

Jeanette: it goes against my motherly nature

To leave her alone outside,

But I'm really trying to let her be

Because jazz is going to be going off to college,

And I truly believe that she needs to learn

To fall on her face if she has to,

And pick herself back up.

Now, it's about time that we get some immediate family involved,

So we have noelle's mom and jazz's mom.

-Oh! -Whoo!

I don't even know where the stage is.

Ladies and gentlemen, mommy tsunami and cherry blossom!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ I'm doing what it takes ♪

♪ A little bit stronger ♪

♪ A little more breath ♪

♪ You put on a brave... ♪

Have to say, I find you more attractive not in drag.

[ Laughs ]

Sorry.

♪ And now you can be free ♪

Noelle: I was super proud of my mom,

Just because I know that she's not the performance-driven type,

But just knowing that my mom is someone who loved her daughter

So much that she was willing to really fight her fears,

That means a lot to be.

Deejay: work the runway, mama. Yes, ma'am!

[ Cheers ]

Make some noise for mommy tsunami and cherry blossom!

[ Cheers ]

Whoo!whoo!

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

Jazz: this whole event was about having a good time,

And yet, I just lost sight of the fact

That this event is for noelle,

So I'm going to hold my head up high,

But I just think I have a lot to learn

About why I break down completely.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we want

To welcome back to the stage jazz and family.

Let's make some noise.

And we'd like to hear from noelle as well.

Come on up and take center stage, babe.

This isn't going to be the most eloquent thing ever spoken

Because this entire occasion doesn't feel real to me,

But I'm sure if I wasn't so completely

In awe of your generosity and just your goodwill, I'm...

I've...i'm sure you would see me in tears right now

Because you all are so amazing,

And you are really making not only my life,

But just life for all trans people

And everyone who goes through the same thing

That I'm going through.

-That's right. -Whoo!

You guys make life so much better for all of us.

-Yeah! -Whoo!

-Aw. -Aw.

I love you.

I am in so much awe that I am here tonight at all,

That people raised money for me

And that that money is going towards something

That I've been waiting for since I was a child.

I have the total amount of money that we raised.

♪ Are you ready ♪

Woman: yeah.

We've raised $,!

-What? -Yeah!

Jazz: so we still have about $, more to raise,

But we're going to continue promoting the online fundraiser.

-Yeah. -We're going to get to $,,

And $, is a lot, so we did that together.

-Yes! -Whoo!

Thank you so much for this.

I am really without words.

Just, thank you.

-Thank you. -Whoo!

-We love you, girl. -You are welcome.

♪♪

Cheers to my two favorite siblings.

-Oh, no. -Don't tell jazz.

-Cheers to us. -Just kidding.

Cheers to us.

I feel like we never do this.

We never go out to a bar and just sit down and get drinks.

It's because I don't like alcohol.

Oh, stop.

-Me. -Honesty, I would probably say

Ari can handle her alcohol the best.

No, she can not!you don't think so?

No, ari can't handle her alcohol.

What happened?you weren't there.

Oh, man.

Have you hang out with that girl mona again?

No, we both haven't been home at the same time,

And just hasn't worked out, but we still talk.

We still snapchat, text occasionally,

And we definitely talked about possibly hanging out again soon.

Do you want to take her on a date?

No, yeah, I definitely think she's supercool,

And, like, the first date was pretty cool.

We were pretty compatible.

We got along well.

What do you look for in a guy? Would you say?

Number one, humor.humor.

Number one. If you take me seriously...

I mean, I'll put a check off on her humor.

Obviously, like, we were in different places,

So I don't know if I'll...

Where I would go from there, but, like, there's no reason

Not to hang out with her again. Who knows?

Maybe sander will have a girlfriend soon.

Soon enough jazz is going to be joining us

For drinks, which is crazy.

Who thinks she's going to drink at harvard?

At a place like harvard, she needs to buckle down and focus.

Like, it's just, it's not going to be easy.

Like, it's really going to be...

It's going to be a big transition.

Yeah.

Ari: me, sander, and griffen usually do discuss jazz,

Especially in times where she might be struggling,

And more recently she's had such high anxiety

And terrible communicating how she feels.

She's never been apart from our parents, like, never.

-No. -Like, we all have done it.

Like, we know that we can be on our own,

But jazz, we don't know.

You think she's ready?

I don't know.

Griffen: since deciding to go to harvard,

Jazz is more intense, more emotional,

And it's probably because she's kind of scared.

Harvard is a tough school, and I think she's putting

A lot of extra pressure on her, even before she gets there.

I'm worried about it just because she was freaking out

A little bit about the drag show.

Griffen: I'm pretty sure when all this was happening,

I was still right next to dad in the audience,

Watching the next performances.no one knew.

I was gone from my live-feed interview with jazz,

And I just wanted to check in,

And then she ran outside, and I ran after her.

So what was wrong? Like, her performance was great.

She had some anxiety about the fact

That her beads flew off and it wasn't perfect.

She likes things to go exactly perfect as planned.

Yeah.

And when they don't, she seems to break down a little bit.

I don't know how we're supposed to help her

In those situations sometimes.

It's hard.

I think this whole year has been really intense for jazz,

And even those he's always been very emotional,

Her intensity of emotions skyrockets,

So I'm a little nervous for her when she goes off to school.

Griffen: it's not going to go perfect at harvard,

And she needs to toughen up now while she's not there, you know?

Yeah, but that's not what you usually say

To someone who's feeling...

I'm not saying it to her, I'm...

No, I know, but it's not really...

I'm saying...but whatdowe say?

Like, what do we say?

The best thing we can do is just ask, "how can I help you?"

Like, "what can I do for you?" Like...

Yeah, but when she's gone, I can't be there every day.

Like, you know?

No, but she knows we're all there for her...

No, of course....and that's all that matters.

Sander: it's definitely a concern whether or not

She'll thrive or fall apart in college.

And we're going to have to help her get through this

Because right now obviously she's struggling,

And it's going to get even tougher

When she gets up to school and none of us are there.

♪♪

-Do you know how much we're at? -Okay, someone just donated...

-Ooh! -...which brings the total to $,.

Whoa, that's a lot.

Yeah, we raised enough money there

To officially get me to the surgery,

Which I am so thrilled for

Because, like, right now the remainder is just

So that we don't have to, like, overwhelm my parents with debt.

I'm just really excited that she has the green light

To undergo the gender confirmation surgery,

And everything that we've worked so hard for

Is finally going to come to fruition.

I'm still thinking about that $,.

I want to get to $, before your surgery.

Yeah, I'd appreciate that.

How about you, jojo?

How's everything going with you and your surgery?

As far as breast augmentation goes,

My need to have the surgery kind of plateaued.

It's not really there anymore.

Do you think your grandmother influenced you, or...

I don't think my grandmother influenced me.

I think it was...noelle: what changed?

It was a little bit of my own soul searching.

Yeah.

I think it was kind of, like, you know when you dig deeper

Into what's causing your dysphoria?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I realized it was, like, my journals,

And how my true feelings and true emotions

Are for bottom surgery.

I was considering top surgery very heavily,

But when I was uncovering the root of my dysphoria,

I realized that bottom surgery

Was something that I ultimately needed.

Maybe breast augmentation is something that I can wait on,

And if I still want it, I can get it in the future.

Jazz: I am both surprised and not surprised

Because because transgender, when you look in the mirror,

That person that you know you are within

Isn't fully reflected,

And really you feel uncomfortable all around,

So to attribute that dysphoria to a specific area,

It's very challenging.

So how does your grandmother feel about you

Deciding not to get top surgery?

She must be over the moon.

She is quite excited.

Did you tell her about the bottom surgery?

Noelle: how did she take it?

I think bottom surgery hit her a little bit harder

Than top surgery.

I feel like she's not on board at all.

So are you anticipating getting the bottom surgery next year,

Like within the year?soon.

Word of advice, you really need to get

On their wait-list, like, asap.

Yeah.

We are going to go and we're having a therapy session

With debbie, dr. Deb,

So we can get the process started.

It's going to be me, my mom, and my grandma.

Jojo: bottom surgery is my next step in my transition,

And I want a professional therapist

To get my grandmother to understand what this is,

And what it means and why I need it.

Noelle: so have you thought of what you're going to

Wear to your graduation?

My cap and gown?

What are you wearing under your cap and gown?

I guess you have to wear something, right?

Probably one of these dresses.

Something other than tie-dye.

I don't know why everyone wants me to ditch

The tie-dyed clothes.

She looks a little bit mix between goodwill and comfy.

I feel like if you wore a tie-dye dress to graduation,

They wouldn't even let you in.

Well, I'm valedictorian,

So I have to give a speech and everything.

I actually have it right here.

Jazz: as the valedictorian of my virtual school,

I have the responsibility

Of delivering the valedictory address,

And my goal is to imbue it with jazz.

I see a bunch of, like, crosses through your speech.

Yeah, it's...

Are you, like, not satisfied it with it?

There...it's still in the works right now.

Graduation is in days,

And the school needs to approve my speech beforehand,

But it's more challenging

Than I previously thought it would be.

Yeah, I'm trying to be, like, inspirational and everything,

And I want it to be good.

I want it to be funny.

Actually I don't think that's a requirement.

I think because of the fact jazz has been accepted to harvard,

She's just worried people are going to expect more from her.

Because this is her life as well as her academic career

That she's just putting out in front of everyone,

And that could be a really nerve-racking moment.

I think right now, it's a little deep and intense,

And I kind of just want to change it a little bit.

I want to make it good, I want to make it powerful,

And I want my words to resonate with these students,

But I'm worried that I haven't achieved that at this point,

And it's just causing me a lot of anxiety.

Wait, so what happened?

We don't know what's going on.

-So no sh**ting it. -I just need to say...

Sander: are you sure that you want to say it?

-...something. -Don't make a decision

On the spur of the moment that you're going to...

Jeanette: regret.

Jack: I'm not certain what jazz is going to tell us.

♪♪

You are so lucky to have your grandmother shop with you.

She has great taste.

My grandparents are talking me clothes shopping

As a graduation present,

And I'm actually looking forward to it.

I hear someone is going off to college.

-Going to harvard. -That's awesome!

Congratulations! -Thank you.

-You all must be so proud. -Oh, yeah.

Oh, we're busting, just busting from her.

Awesome, and you need some new looks?

Yes, I'm trying to get a new style.

Okay.

Jazz: I feel like there's two sides to me.

I could go for basic outfits, tie-dye dresses,

Comfortable clothes, or I could go for the extreme side

And try to create a look that turns heads

And makes everyone go, "wow! Who is she? What is that?"

I'm not certain what a grandfather does here,

But we'll try our best.

Jacky: pay the bills.

Jacky: clothing has never been jazz's forte,

But she's always known what she wanted.

-I'm ready. -Whoo!

Oh!

Little teeny, weeny jazz in a onesie,

Pulled open the snaps, pointed and said, "dress."

She was making a dress, and here, fast forward,

She's in a new body, going off to college.

-Romper. -Whoo!

-Oh, my god! Who is this person? -She'd a be a head-turner.

Just wearing that, she'd walk in a bar,

And everybody would be like, "ooh, look at that cute girl

With the romper and the hat." -It's a keeper.

Jeanette: you're a winner, baby.

-Sparkle. -Whoa!

-My, god! -Uh-huh.

Wait a minute.

That does not exactly fit in harvard yard.

Sparkles!

Uh.

Ehh.

Now we're going to do practicality.

Okay, this is more of a casual outfit.

-Oh, yes. -Yeah, yeah.

Now I see you, harvard yard.

Jazz: I think michelle did a great job

Because we found a whole bunch of outfits

That looked really awesome.

-Whoo! -Wow!

-Oh, yeah. -You look good in everything!

-Wow. -Everything.

And I'm feeling pretty good because I have a lot of choices.

Jacky: all right. What are we doing next?

-Whoo! -Aw!

-It's cute. -Thumbs up, absolutely.

Woman: can you wear any of these for graduation?

Jazz: yes, totally.

Jack: jazz graduating in the next few days,

I'm most excited about the fact

That she's the class valedictorian.

I'm looking forward to what she has to say.

Jacky: when jazz entered in th grade,

She sought out the valedictorian in school that year

Because she wanted to know what that youngster did

To going to be number one, and she's done it.

She's gotten to what she set out to do.

Jeanette: last looks.

Aw.

Very college-y. -Yeah.

-Yes. -Okay, pose.

Jazz: I just appreciate that my grandparents

Offered me this gift

Because I'm a harvard student now.

I'm officially declaring that my tie-dye dresses

Are now pajamas

And not something that I'm going to wear out in public.

I am stepping into the new me.

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

Greg: how you doing?

Um, I don't know.

I see you're working on your speech, huh?

I, just, I don't think it's that good.

But you know what's the nice thing?

You don't get graded on it! -Yeah.

You don't have to worry about it.

I know, but it's just stressful.

Jazz: my graduation is tomorrow,

And the school approved the speech that I submitted,

But I'm just not really entirely happy with it,

And I think the fact that I can't change it

This late in the game is getting to me.

I am just really allowing my perfectionism to take over.

I think it's not humorous enough.

Like, I didn't add my jazz pizzazz and make it funny.

When I wrote the speech,

I felt like I had the responsibility

Of trying to make a lot of people happy,

But I am feeling like my speech is just not me,

And I can't let it go.

Instead of being the transgender girl,

I became the nerdy perfectionist who would get frustrated

With anything less than , but that's not even funny.

Like, I'm going to say it like I'm telling a joke,

But it's not really funny.

-Hey, jazz... -It's not going to land.

...you're not a comedian.

You don't have any obligation to make people laugh.

Yeah, but...

Jeanette: I realize this is an important thing in her life

And she wants to get it right,

But the speech has already been approved by the school.

It is finished.

It is not supposed to be tinkered with at all.

I don't know. It's just like...

-But don't worry about it. -I'm stressing myself out.

Greg: jazz wants to accomplish a bunch of things with this speech,

To be relatable to her classmates.

She also wants to come with a powerful message.

Also she wants to have a personal message.

That's a lot.

I could understand why it's a lot of pressure...

Yeah.

...and more so even than almost any other speech

She's ever given before.

Mm-hmm.

Jeanette: well, you've had a very stressful month or so

Because you had to make a decision as to what college

You wanted to go to, and that was heavy.

That was hard.

-Yeah. -Then you had the drag show.

That was a lot of work,

And now you have to write this speech,

And you're a perfectionist,

And I know you want it to be perfect.

You don't want it to be a b-plus, but it's okay.

I'm very worried because I'm seeing

That perfectionist attitude

That she had with respect to the song and the drag show,

And I'm hoping she can accept

That this speech needs to stay the way it is and move on.

Sander: she's either having a breakdown or a breakthrough.

And I'm confused. I don't know what's going on.

The past few months have just been so challenging.

I just tried so hard to be that perfect person.

-Hi! How are you? -Hello!

-I'm great. Hi. -How are you?

-Hello! -How are you?

-Hi! -Hello, how are you?

How are you?

Jojo: I am , percent sure that bottom surgery

Is something that's going to help me,

But my grandmother is very opinionated about it.

I feel like talking about it amongst ourselves

Was not the right way to go about it,

So I hope our therapy session together

Will help her to understand what my dysphoria means

And why I need bottom surgery as soon as possible.

Heather: I want to thank you for your time...

Well, sure.

...because it allows us to ask questions together.

We've not had that.

This is a first?

This is a first.

Nora: heather and jojo want me to be supportive,

And I want to be supportive of her,

But you got to hear some hard facts as well,

And I think debbie being the counselor can help

Heather and jojo to understand where I'm coming from.

I just want to know where you are right now.

Had a consult with a really great plastic surgeon,

Dr. Sassani. -Mm-hmm.

And he told me that I was a really great candidate

For a breast augmentation.

And since then, I've dug a little bit deeper,

And it's not the root to my dysphoria and the depression,

And I'm feeling like I really need bottom surgery.

Okay.

When I sit down, if I'm tucked with, like, tape and stuff,

I have to watch how I sit because if I sit wrong,

Or if I get up wrong, or if I stand wrong...

Mm-hmm.

My tuck is going to pop.mm-hmm.

I just know that that's a reminder

That this is not the body...

There's something that's not right within myself and it's...

I'm going to cry about it now, but...

It's okay. It's okay.

You're in a place of understanding.

I'm going to assume that not everybody is on the same page.

That's right.

I think I hear what she's saying sometimes,

And I try to get her to where...

Try to get her mind off the focusing on this so much,

But to get back on focusing on more...

On a teenager.

Okay.

You and I have the luxury

Of just putting on underwear in the morning

And going about our business.

She doesn't.

Us cis people can just wake up and do life.

They don't have to worry about it.

They just slap their underwears on and go about life,

And that's not the case for trans people,

So I really hope dr. Deb can help my mom understand

Because I frankly don't have the patience anymore.

And I wish I did, but I just don't.

When it comes to bottom surgery,

There are a lot of things to consider.

Things will feel different.

Things will feel different inside your head, also,

Because you've never, I don't think,

Been in a balanced joyful place with your body.

-Yeah. -It's like a rebirthing.

The bottom surgery is so much more dramatic,

And you can look down and go, "oh, what did I just do?"

You know? I mean...

In my years of experience,

And this is my rd year of practice,

I've never had anyone say, "oh, my, what have I done?

I've made a mistake."

We don't hear of this in the field

Because it is a slow thorough process

Before we get to that final stage.

The surgery is for sure what I need to be whole.

Heather: mommy, we have to trust her.

These are things that I don't feeli'mprepared,

But it's notmysurgery.

I just need to get my [bleep] on board.

Yeah.

I trust her, but I don't have to be all this happy and giddy

And everything else about it either.

Heather: no, no.

I, just, this is something that I need you to understand.

As much as it's not easy for you, it's not easy for me.

At dr. Sassani's, you told me that it's not all about you.

Mm-hmm.

It kind of is.

That's so relevant and so important.

Debbie: jojo needed to be understood,

"Hello, this is about this person in front of you,

And I am the expert on me. Please hear what I am saying."

What I was trying to get across to you,

That so many people who love you and know you and care about you,

It does become not just about you at that point

Because when you're in pain,

Everybody else around you is in pain.

Mm-hmm.okay?

When you're in pain, I mean, I'm in pain

Because I hate that... You know, I hurt for my kids.

Mm.i hurt for you and your mom.

It's understandable, right?

Mm-hmm.

If you're willing, if you feel it's a good match,

I'd like to be able to meet with all of you again

To talk about bottom surgery and questions

About it, concerns about it,

Because if we're going forward, it is a slow process.

I really do want to do that.good.

The biggest thing that's been helping me

Get through this process is being able to talk,

Being able to finally voice myopinion and being heard,

And me hearing her, too.

I know that I can come across really hard, but that's me.

I'm a little bit older,

And my job is to make sure that you're safe,

And to guide and to teach you as well,

But I'm also hoping that jojo knows

For a fact that I love her,

And I am by her side percent of the way.

When's your next available?

[ Laughter ]i'll check my book.

Heather: I'm hoping my mom will be able to

Handle the bottom surgery process with more therapy.

I'm hoping she'll have enough time to kind of prepare herself,

And just be there with us.

Thank you so much.my pleasure.

Thank you.

♪♪

Greg: we don't know what's going on.

-So no sh**ting it. -Okay.

Sander: she's either having a breakdown or a breakthrough.

Griffen: what's going on?

I just need to talk to everyone.

I need to talk to the whole family.

Griffen: jazz's graduation is in a few hours,

And she wants us all to go in the living room,

And I'm confused.

I don't know what's going on.

I saw her running before you guys started filming.

She said it has to happen right now.

If it doesn't happen now, it's going to be too late.

Ari: are we waiting for dad?

Jazz: no, dad is not coming.oh, he's not.

Jacky: I can't remember in all of her years,

Her ever asking for us to rally around

That she wants to speak to us.

Sorry if this is too much. I just need to say something.

Sander: are you sure that you want to say it?

-Yes. -Like, don't make a decision

On the spur of the moment that you're going to...

-Regret. -...regret. -I'm not.

Jeanette: I'm extremely concerned because

She's been having quite a few lows lately,

And more tears than I've ever seen.

I'm crossing fingers and toes

That this is not going to be something

That is going to throw graduation

Into a spiral of craziness.

That cannot happen.

Jazz: the reason why I wanted to talk to you all

Is because, as you know,

I have been experiencing a lot emotionally and spiritually,

And I've had a lot of anxiety lately,

A lot of breakdowns.

I've learned that I experience emotions very deeply.

I experience love and happy emotions very deeply,

Which is amazing,

But I also experience pain and depression and anxiety

And worry and fear and doubt,

All of those things, very deeply as well.

They can just be very crippling at times,

And I've had a really hard time.

Jack: I'm not certain what jazz is going to tell us,

But I'm saying to myself, "this must be very serious."

And one of the thoughts that's going through my mind

Is whether jazz has changed her mind about college.

Jazz: I worked very hard to be valedictorian.

There was a lot of pain in that whole process.

I was depressed, and that's why I decided

To start doing virtual school

Because the pressure of traditional high school

Was just too much,

And the past few months have just been so challenging.

[ Voice cracks ]

[ Crying ] and it's just been such a struggle.

And I felt myself slipping away multiple times.

[ Shakily inhales, sobs ]

Jeanette: my heart is in pain.

To see her like this is one of the toughest things ever.

I've never seen her kind of unraveling to this extent,

And I'm trying to get a grip.

I really am because we can't all crumble around her.

Jazz: I want people to know that, you know, in sharing my story,

I've tried to be this positive role model,

And I've shared these positive messages

That help a lot of people, but I have struggles.

I have problems, my anxiety, my depression,

And I really wanted to tackle it all and manage it all.

I just tried so hard to be that perfect person.

I am absolutely barely breathing.

This is devastating.

Jack: this is not the type of experience...

That we've had....that jazz gives us.

She is being more forthcoming to us

Now than she's ever been before,

But clearly this is very concerning.

I've been through a lot, but I've decided that I can make it.

I want to focus on all of the joy

And the good things in my life,

And I want to do it with all of you.

[ Sniffles ]

So graduation is today, and the speech that I wrote,

It's not the speech that I want to write.

I want this moment to be special.

I want this speech to be what I want it to be.

I'm going to go upstairs,

And I'm going to change my speech

To make it the speech that I intended to share on this day.

I only have a couple hours to write a whole new speech,

And I have to still design my grad cap,

So I need your help.

Mom, do you have the grad cap?

Mm-hmm.can we do this?

Can we all do this? -Yeah. Mm-hmm.

-Yeah. Of course. -I'm stunned.

I'm really stunned.

I don't know where, what.

I see pain and distress, and I don't think that pain

Has much connection to her speech at all.

This was putting herself out there,

And a need to cleanse herself and explain

And show the world that there's a human being under here

Who's pressured, been pressured, and has carried it.

Jeanette: you want help with the speech,

Or you want to do this on your own?

You want go and...

I think I'm going to do it on my own.

Jeanette: I'm a mom, and this is my child,

And she is having a very bad moment

At a very important time in her life.

I'm concerned about her mental well-being right now,

And the bottom line is we have to be positive and pick her up.

I love you so much, and I support you percent,

And you just write your speech and I'll deal with the school.

Jazz: okay.but it is hard.

It is hard to stay calm in this moment

Because I am fully aware that we have a serious problem here.

Jack: as a grandfather, I would like to understand her pain better.

She never uses the word "depression,"

And just now I heard her use the word "depression."

To have everything that deep

And that important is a very heavy burden...

-Yeah. -[ Indistinct speech ] so much.

...but she's carried the burden of transgender her whole life.

I think it's about being a person,

Not just being transgender.

I think, as a person, she has had to just struggle.

Jeanette: jazz has always had bouts of depression and anxiety,

And it's easy for people to attribute

Everything to being transgender, but in her situation,

Jazz's anxiety is here and being trans is here,

And they're just really not related to one another.

There comes a time where a professional opinion

Is really needed to assess, to medicate or do whatever.

Jack: I am deeply concerned about jazz's mental health,

And I think she needs professional help

To get her through these difficult times.

Ari: mom, where's the glue g*n?

In the drawer by the remote.

Sander: it's already out. It's already ready.

-Oh, where? -I'm talking about jazz.

-I understand, but... -But this is this family.

They get caught... You get caught up in one thing,

And then you're talking about scissors for a hat.

Jeanette: let me tell you something.

Because they've got three projects going on.

No, I don't...

She comes in here, it will make...

No.

...her feel better if she sees we're working on this.

Right now things are shattering.

Jazz: I'm struggling. I'm struggling a little bit.

I'm going to go outside.

Jeanette: basically the solution to this is for jazz to get help.

We all know that, but we're not about to just go off

To therapy right now.

Sander: I think, going forward today,

There should be no talk of negative vibes.

All we should be doing is being as positive as we can be,

And, going forward, try to be as positive as we could be.

What do you think depression is all about?

I know what depression is about, grandpa.

Saying you're unhappy with where you are now...

I know what depression is about, grandpa.

...and you want to get away from the pain.

[ Doorbell rings ]

-Hello. -Hey!

Sander: hello, hello.jack: hi, sweetheart.

Happy graduation!thank you.

Oh, how pretty.

We're doing her hat for her.oh.

She just had an epiphany, and she told the whole family

She hasn't been happy, and she's been struggling,

And for tonight she doesn't want to give the speech

That she's supposed to give.okay.

And she went outside to work on her speech.

I was just going to stop by to drop off these gifts

So I wouldn't have them in the car,

And when I walked in it was crisis mode.

Oh, my goodness.

What's wrong?[ Cries ]

What, what, what, what?

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Okay, okay.

[ Crying ] I don't know what to do.

Jazz is struggling right now.

It feels like everything is being sucked out of her

In this moment, and I'm concerned.

What time is it right now?

Jack: it's right now after .

What time do we have to be there?

Jacky: it's at seven o'clock.

She needs to leave here in about hour.

Worst-case scenario,

Then there will be no valedictorian speech tonight.

Jazz: [tearfully] I'm trying to rewrite this speech.

Debbie: okay, rewrites are hard.

Yeah, I'm just falling apart.

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

It's just a moment.

This is just one moment.

No, it's been many moments like this.

Okay, we'll work through them.

[ Sobs ]we'll work through them.

This is a high-anxiety time, that's all.

I think right now she's just getting

All caught up in the moment.

It's the th hour, things have to be done right now,

And a lot of things are coming to the surface

That she did not count on.

We can't feel anxiety when we're in the present.

Let the tears fall.

They need to.

You've had them in there for a long time.

[ Sobs ]it's okay.

It's okay.

[ Sobs ]

Tension, you're just letting the tension out.

You're letting the tension out. It's good.

It's healthy. It's healthy.

This is how we get the endorphins working.

[ Moaning ]that or we walk miles,

And I don't think we're going to walk miles right now, right?

It's good.

When a person experiences anxiety,

Sometimes a total spillover and freak-out is necessary.

It's kind of like when you see a tornado,

And you just know it has to do what it has to do,

And then there's that calm.

We need to get to that place of stillness and regrouping,

So I said let's be in the moment because anxiety cannot happen

When we are in the present moment.

So stay focused in the here and now.

What are you aware of hearing right now?

What do you hear?

I hear the birds.

Good, what else?

I hear the water.

Good.

How many blue things do you see on the ground?

The pool is blue.good.

The seat cover is blue.

There's a lot of blue. What does blue remind you of?

Oh, yeah, the sky is blue.

Oh, duh, yeah.i forgot about the sky.

So what happens with her we look up?

What happens?

So this fools the system.

When we look up, it makes our brain feel more uplifted also.

Jeanette: sometimes the universe works wonderfully,

And cousin debbie is the perfect person

To talk to jazz right now.

She knows how to take somebody from down there,

And bring them up here.

Here's what I recommend.

You want me to read it to you, and you be the listener?

Jazz: sure.

"Hello, bvs, class of ."

Jazz: cousin debbie has this special way about her

Where she just makes you feel at ease.

She is intuitive and she understands people

And their emotions.

Okay, so this doesn't sound like you.

You might be struggling because you're...

It's not me.

Yeah, so just talk to me about, you know,

What it is that you really want to say.

The school wants me to recognize the students.

They want to relate to the speech.

They want to get gold.

They want to relate to the advocacy.

The school wants a commercial.

The world wants to know what I say,

And what I say is important because...

Oh, my goodness, no wonder you're crying.

Oh, no.

Jazz doesn't want to let anybody down,

And she feels like this beacon that must

A, b, c, d, all the way through z.

That it is up to her, on these small shoulders,

To carry the burden of the world,

And although that's a very nice idea,

She needs to be able to put the oxygen mask

On her own nose and face first, and then go on from there.

Hi, baby.[ Indistinct speech ]

Do you want to see your cap?

It's ready.yeah, let's look at it.

Okay.ooh!

Oh, that's so perfect!

It looks so good, jazz.

Greg: the queen.

I think what we should do is talk out lout

About what you want to say it and then type it,

Rather than type it because we get too blocked by words.

Alright.

So how do you really feel about graduating?

If there were three words to describe what it feels like,

Just off the top of your head, what would you say?

I feel pride...

Good.

...relief...yeah.

Yeah, let's throw relief in there for sure.

...anticipation for what's to come.

Good, good, perfect.

We need those three words.

Debbie: the first valedictorian speech didn't sound authentic.

It didn't sound like it was coming from her center,

Her voice and her vision.

So together we teamed up, and then her own self

Just started blossoming again.

It takes a while to find it.

You have to get rid of the canned writings

And what we hear from people.

Mm-hmm.that's all.

I'm really, really lucky to have someone who I know and love

And trust, who could help me work through this

And figure out exactly what's on my heart.

Griffen: oh, there she is. You finished?

Oh, yeah.

And I'm just hoping that all of the students

Feel something deeply when they hear me deliver the speech.

Debbie: everybody, walk her out together.

Let's go.jazz: love you.

Jeanette: you look beautiful!

Mwah, you got this.

Let's go. I'll see you in a few.

You alright?no.

No?

Too many instances of this.

Jeanette: greg has no idea what happened today,

So I don't know what I'm going to tell him,

But right now I think that it can wait

Because I don't want it

To be weighing on him during graduation.

♪♪

Woman: please remain seated as we welcome

Virtual school graduating class of .

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jazz is graduating, and it's amazing.

Jacky: I am delighted that jazz is up there on stage.

Having a granddaughter like jazz

Is like being on a roller coaster ride.

Roller coaster ride.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello, bvs, class of !

[ Cheers ]

In writing this speech, I found it to be a challenge

As I realized that many of you don't know me personally,

And I don't know most of you.

However, there's one experience that we've all shared.

In this world of conformity where people often

Alter themselves in order to fit in,

We all deliberately chose to take part

In an unconventional method of learning

That most people don't understand,

But it didn't matter to us what other people thought.

We all knew that regardless of what is socially normal,

We must always listen to our inner voice

And follow our personal happiness.

Jacky: there are no words for what I feel watching the audience

And taking in the entire picture.

I felt so proud.

Jack: we were there when jazz came out of the birth canal,

And now we're here when she's the class valedictorian.

That is something special.

When it comes to graduating high school,

There are three words that come to mind

To describe what I'm feeling.

The first word is pride.

I am so, so proud to have come this far.

There are many times when I doubted

If I could actually make it, but I did it.

I'm here right now, and so did all of you.

-Whoo! -Yeah!

Jazz: during the speech, I am surprisingly calm.

I feel like I'm finally just letting go,

And I just want to do the best I could do for what it is

And make as many people smile as possible.

I encourage everyone to move forward

And never lose sight of who you are,

Today, tomorrow, and eternally.

Thank you so much and, once again, congratulations.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jeanette: I'm relieved that she got through the speech.

She did well, and that is behind us.

Even though it was an emotional day,

I'm hoping she feels proud of herself

Because jazz worked really hard for this.

Man: you may now move your tassel from right to left.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jeanette: sometimes people have to hit rock bottom,

And I don't know if this is jazz's rock bottom or not,

But I really hope she realizes something has to change.

Next time on the season finale of "I am jazz"...

That was really scary.

I just need for her to feel well.

Jeanette: we think it's a big mistake

That jazz doesn't want to go to therapy.

She thinks that she can do this on her own,

That spiritually she's got this.

It's hard for me to calm my mind.

I've been waiting for this for so long.

I don't think I've been more ready for anything in my life.

This is it, baby.

You ready?

Cheryl: my nerves are very tightly wired,

And I just can't wait for it to be over with.

Waiting here is just t*rture.

Jeanette: four hours into surgery, mike and cheryl

Just want to know what the heck is going on.

Keep going.

I don't know if this is really going to work.

Jeanette: she thinks negative thoughts, and they consume her.

I have a lot of fear.

Whatever this is that's occurring,

She can't go to college with this.

Greg: it's time for jazz to go off to harvard,

But we recognize that maybe she's not ready

To take that next step.