06x08 - Somewhere Over the Rainbow

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "I am jazz"...

My friend noelle needs to raise $, for her surgery,

So we're doing a drag show fundraiser,

And I'm writing a song that I'm going to be performing.

I am not getting it out,

And it's frustrating and giving everyone anxiety.

I need this performance to be perfect not only for noelle,

But for myself as well.

Okay. I'm gonna just exit for one second.

[ Bleep ]

[ Crying ]

Your anxiety is probably the most I've ever seen it.

I'm not performing the song.

We've raised $,![ Excited cheering ]

We raised enough money there

To officially get me to the surgery.

So you're working on your speech, huh?

I don't think it's that good.

Jazz: I am just really allowing my perfectionism to take over.

The past few months have just been so challenging.

It's just been such a struggle.

[ Crying ]

Jacky: this is devastating.

Jack: clearly, this is very concerning.

Hello, bvs class of .

Jeanette: I'm relieved that she got through the speech,

She did well, and that it's behind us.

But I'm concerned about her mental well-being right now.

--Captions by vitac-- www.vitac.com

Captions paid for by discovery communications

♪♪

-Greg: ready to have a brewski? -Jeanette: or "twoskis."

First, I want you to look over here.

Look up in the sky. Back over there.

-Yeah. -Behind that tree.

That's your future home.

We could walk here, play some darts,

And then the beach has free chairs on the beach.

That sounds like a nice retirement schedule.

I mean, look how pretty it is.

Little darts, a little beach.yeah. Got it all.

-A little brew. -Putting my purse down.

All right. I think you should go first.

No.

Now the jazz has graduated,

We're all ecstatic for her and for us.

I assume this line is here for a reason.

We just need to unravel.

We get a little wound up,

And now we're gonna unwind.unwind.

Ready? Oh.

I can't see that.really?

What does it say?it says a lot of points.

Nine more points.i don't even know --

All right. Your turn.

This should be good.

Jeanette and I tend to stay away from sharp metal objects.

Close.you knew that was gonna happen.

I know that if jeanette's throwing,

I'm standing way to the left or way behind.

What the heck? [ Laughs ]

I had a dartboard in my home growing up,

And I never played it.never?

All my friends came over and I wouldn't because I was bad.

Well, since we're probably going to move to

Smaller quarters,

We're going to need to find some games

That don't take up a lot of space,

And a dartboard will be perfect.

[ Sipping loudly ]

♪♪

Want a bigger straw for that?

There's no alcohol in this.

Either that, or this is the best drink I've ever had. Hold on.

To me, the purpose of drinking is to feel tipsy.

And I want to get tipsy fast.

Anyway...okay, I think I can do it.

So now I'm going to tell you what really happened

Before graduation since you weren't there.

She definitely was a little stressed

Before she gave her speech.

No, she wasn't a little stressed.

Said a full-blown meltdown.

Well, I'm talking about while she was there

At the ceremony, what I saw.i'm talking about --

While I'm at work, I know something else went on,

But you didn't tell me what happened.

Jeanette: I wanted greg to be able to enjoy a graduation.

I gave him a little brief. "This is what happened."

But not to the full extent. Jazz has been struggling,

And I want him to understand the severity.

It was not a good moment at all.

What triggered it, or...?it was like -- and we all --

Everybody except me? Is that what you're saying?

You were working.no, but it was, like --

Plopped in herself in --ari, griffen, sander?

And my parents.your parents too?

Yes. Oh, gosh.

Yeah. And she was crying a lot.

Hyper, [gasps] crying like that.

How'd your parents respond?

And everybody was sort of, like, taken off guard

Because they don't see this as much as I do.

Greg: I had a feeling before graduation that jazz

Was stressed about her speech. She's hard on herself,

And her behavior has gotten more extreme lately.

And I'm really concerned.

I don't know how to stop this from occurring

Because she can't go to college with this.

Whatever this is that's occurring

Is not going to swing in harvard.

She's not going to go.

Jeanette: jazz is not quite ready to leave the nest.

I don't see the cloud lifting off of her depression.

Jeanette: there are a lot of places to go, people to talk to,

Things to do that can help her with this.

But she's gotta realize

She can't handle everything on her own.

♪♪

Glad we're doing this. We've been talking about

Working out together for so long.

Kickboxing will definitely help you

If you want to get in shape.totally.

The past few months have been very stressful.

I had a lot on my plate between the drag show

And giving my valedictorian speech.

I've been very overwhelmed. But today,

Hopefully I can just enjoy this workout with noelle.

Are those the yoga pants that we picked out?

Mm-hmm. We bought these leggings together.

Yeah.

And you'll get to wear them soon.

Are you excited?

With so little time between, like, now and the surgery,

I just want to fly out to san fran early.

Like, I don't get why I'm still here.

I just want to be in the o.r.you have a little special

Twinkle in your eyes right now.

I'm nothing but excited for my upcoming surgery.

I'm not nervous, even though a lot of people expect me to be.

It's also super unfortunate

That I didn't eat or drink anything before this.

I know. You better not pass out or anything.

All right. Here we go.

Right now, I'm just impatient. I want it to happen already.

Instructor: and begin.

Jazz: one of the biggest changes that I've noticed

Since my bottom surgery

Is that I definitely feel more connected with my body.

Step, kick.

I just feel more comfortable with and more myself,

And what I hope most of all for noelle

Is that she experiences that change as well

And all of the changes that come with bottom surgery.

Fast punches, hard punches. Let's go, let's go.

This is last set. Come on, you got this.

Breathe, breathe. Let's go.

Time, hands up, deep breaths.

It was hard. That's really hard.

Noelle: it's not a unique concept to have jazz as a cheerleader

For me when I'm getting a little bit tired,

Because that's just kind of who she is.

She's always kind of the motivator and the cheerleader.

I have, like, a really big ask of you.

Okay.

Recovery would be a lot easier

If, like, I had a friend there.

So, like, would you want to, like, come along with me?

Uh...totally. What the heck?

Of course I want to come with you for your surgery.

We can have a dilation party.

Too much? Too much? [ Laughs ]

Well, I still have to dilate, too,

So we could do it together for the first time.

That'll be fun.

No? No? Okay, okay.

No. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Dilation is a scary thing,

And, well, she is gonna have to figure it out herself.

So how's the fundraising page doing?

So let's see.

Yeah, we're at $,.

Okay.

I really want to help you get the last $,, though.

I know I told you that I was writing

A song for the drag show.

I still have the song and I want to do something with it,

So I was thinking about maybe recording me singing it

And then, like, posting that on my social media.

If we don't get to the goal,

Then it will just kind of feel like, meh.

I want your entire family

To just have peace of mind before the surgery, you know?

I definitely have taken on the responsibility

Of trying to lift the burden from noelle and her family

When it comes to the financial aspect of this surgery.

So there's still $, to raise,

And I told her I was gonna help her reach the goal.

So I'm gonna do that.

Are you ready to head out?

More than ready.'Cause I know I am.

Let's go.

My hands smell so bad because of those gloves now.

I know. Me, too.

♪♪

[ Tone rings ]

I'm trying to let your cats in, jazz.

Sounds like a catfight.

Oh, my goodness. What are you doing?

[ Humming, imitating tone ]

I love this thing.

You're welcome. That was actually my idea.

Jeanette: jazz is having a tough time lately.

And we think it's a big mistake

That jazz doesn't want to go to therapy.

She thinks that she can do this on her own,

That spiritually she's got this.

It really does help with the vibrations.

You look very relaxed.

Everybody's got to kind of fight their own demons.

But as parents, it is our job to step up.

So what's up? Why are you guys in here?

Well, we just want to talk to you.

We were a little concerned 'cause...

Ah....you were not this relaxed

Before you from graduation.i know.

Mom filled me in.yeah.

And I know that you were really anxious.

It sounded like you had a pretty tough time.

Well, my anxiety and my depression

Has been pretty bad lately.

I just have been going through a lot emotionally.

Well, how about a spiritual retreat with your friends?

That'll help me.you can bring two friends.

We want you to be happy. Okay?

And we want you to use things that you learn there

So spiritually, you'll be happier and less anxious.

Greg: we know that sending jazz to a spiritual retreat

Isn't the end-all, be-all solution.

It's not a fixer by all means, but it's a helper.

She's got to work on her anxiety.

Because if jazz can't get on top of the anxiety,

She's going to have a tough time

In the real world.

Oh, my goodness. Are you crying already?

Oh, my god, it's the day!

I've been waiting for this for so long.

I don't think I've been more ready for anything in my life.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Burps ] excuse me.

Look at you.

Just getting a little bike workout in.

Mm-hmm.gotta stretch out them legs,

Get rid of the snack pack.

So, you know that song

That I was going to perform at the drag show,

But I didn't end up performing?yeah.

I mean, I remember you singing it

Around the house a little bit.

I want to do something with it

Because I didn't perform it at the event,

And noelle still needs raise

, More dollars.what are you thinking?

Well, I was thinking that maybe I could enlist your help.

You could film me singing the song,

And then I'll post it on instagram

And I'll be like, "please help out my friend noelle."

-Okay. -However, there's a problem.

Like, tony and I just didn't have enough time

To really work on it, and I don't know if I should

Meet up with him again and ask him if he wants

To help me finish the track.

Tony is a very talented musician who helped me

In writing the track for the song.

I was going to perform at the drag show.

Okay, so where do we start? How do we do this?

-Do I just start singing. -Yeah, why not?

It's pretty slow.

I just want to complement what you're doing.

-Okay, cool. -That's my goal.

Jazz: however, we really needed an extra session

To create the exact track that I wanted.

And it's my fault for procrastinating

Because I finished the lyrics on the day

That we had the songwriting session.

Stupid.

I don't know. I told noelle that

I really wanted to do this for her,

But I just -- I don't know, the track --

I don't know if it's going to work out,

And I don't really want to do it a capella

Because I feel like it needs the power

Of the track behind it, so now I'm just like...

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself

With everything that I've been involved in,

And with this song, it is another thing

That I've taken on myself,

And I just really hope to prevent myself

From being as anxious as I have been in the past.

♪ We're here 'cause we want to ♪

♪ Find peace and find love ♪

Not working.

There's no other part where you could fix on that part?

I think I can.

I think you're stressing too much.

If the track's a little off, the track's a little off,

But I think you'll be surprised about how good this ends up

Coming out and how much money we can end up raising.

I already have ideas --

You're gonna make it go viral.

♪♪

Happy birthday.

Oh, really? Yay! Yeah.

I'll put it over here for later.

Okay. Cute.

You didn't have to, but I'm glad you did.

Yeah, no --thanks. I'm just kidding.

It's so nice to see you.

Are you all right? Uh...

Well, the last time I saw you, that was just...

That was really scary. Yeah.

Cousin debbie is like no other person I've ever met.

When I'm in this state of mind,

She is the best person to talk to.

I've been running and rushing and doing so much, like,

I haven't had a chance to process it.

Jazz's pre-graduation meltdown took a toll on me,

And I'm still raw.

It felt like a pressure cooker kind of an incident.

It really did. It felt like she was bubbling over.

And when I hugged her,

Her heart was b*ating like a trapped rabbit

In a sense, you know -- that's how her energy was.

Well, she's always had the depression

And dibbles and dabbles of anxiety.

Now it's just more the anxiety is taking over.

And you don't know what's going to trigger it.

So are you concerned about her going off to harvard

Without certain techniques, certain...

I'm very concerned, yeah.

We're running out of time to nip this in the bud.

Right.

I don't know how by the time she goes away,

This is gonna be resolved.

I just need for her to feel well.

Here's the thing. I'm concerned about you.

How are you holding up?

I feel like, how am I going to make it through

And support her

When it's, like, eating away at me?

It's like slowly, slowly -- it's like I'm a block of ice.

I'm melting and she's picking away at me.

My poor cousin.

I want to wrap my arms around her and just squeeze her.

All of this has taken quite a toll on jeanette.

And she is the type of person who keeps going

Until all of a sudden she's like, you know, her --

Her face is in the soup at the dinner table.

So here you are, mama hen taking care of everybody else.

How can we take care of you?

Um...hmm.

For many years, I have been saying

That motherhood is the job that you clock into

And you never clock out of

Until you are six feet down under the ground.

But I do need some me time and I do need to blow off some steam.

I just don't know what that is.

♪♪

Yep, this looks really good. You did this all by yourself?

I want to make your video good. I want --

I wanted to pick up some traction on social media

And I want to raise the money.this is for noelle.

I got dressed up, did my makeup.

Yes, we both put it in work.so who did better,

The professional makeup artist drag queen, or me?

I'm not gonna answer that question.

I dressed up in drag as sparkles, one,

Because I was going to perform the song in the outfit

That I created for the drag show

And two, I want to catch people's attention.

I want them to look at this video and watch it and donate.

Oh, my good -- [ gasps ]yeah.

Sander has k*lled this set. It has a backdrop, a disco ball,

And just everything that makes a music video, a music video.

And I'm just so...

I feel very grateful that he's doing this.

I'm just practicing my focusing a little.

Did you know I'm going to san francisco with noelle now?

Gonna be her little sparkles buddy

By the side supporting her.

That's awesome. Let's do this.

We got to get the last $,.

Okay, I might mess up a couple of times

With the track, but I'm going to try.

That's fine. Keep going, because then I could just --

Okay, it's about to start. It's about to start.

♪ We come from the -- ♪

No, see. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, I really hope we get this.

We're fine. We're fine. We just started.

We're gonna do it again and again and again.

♪ We come from -- ♪ [ laughs ]

That didn't work.

All right. Are you ready?

Yes.

♪ We come from the star-- ♪

Oh. Restart it.

I know.

I'm having some issues with the track

Not because it isn't great,

But because it needed a little bit more refinement.

It just isn't quite there.

♪ But in fear there is a spar-- ♪

♪ Ah, la, la ♪keep going.

♪ La, la ♪

I'm getting really frustrated

Because I'm trying to make my voice

And the way I wrote the song fit with the track

That doesn't match exactly what I wanted.

Keep going.

I don't know if this is really gonna work,

Honestly, sander.

Dude, we've been working for minutes.

Don't be negative about it.

I'm -- I -- yeah. I'm not trying to be negative.

Ready? I'm sorry.

I didn't want to be stressed out in this situation,

But I don't know if the video is going to be good enough

To post on social media,

And I just feel like

I'll fall short on the promises that I've made

And then I'll feel like I'm a terrible friend.

Let's get it.

[ Exhales ]

I kind of have internal struggles,

And I just feel like it takes over me at times.

I've known jazz for a long time,

But this is probably the worst I've seen

Her anxiety really get to her.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey!

-Hey. -Hey.

-You guys are matching. -We are.

-Oh, wow, we are. -Cute.

Are you guys excited for today?

-I'm so excited. -So ready.

I'm so excited. I've needed this.

I just want to let everything go

And enjoy myself with you guys

-I'm excited. -Yay.

Jazz: I am so looking forward to this retreat with kaci and jay.

Because once the school year begins,

Kaci, jay, and I are going to walk our separate paths.

And, you know, we're always going to be best friends,

But not having my ride or dies beside me,

It's going to be difficult for all three of us.

This is like the last time the three of us

Are going to be together, like, here,

Like, living so close to each other.

I don't know. It kind of hits.

It does hit, but I guess we could say,

Like, it's sad that we're leaving

And we're going our separate ways because it is sad.

But at the same time, like,

We did have so many amazing experiences together.

-Yeah, we did do a lot. -We're really lucky.

Like, most people have, like, interchangeable friends,

Like, where it just, like, changes every month.

And like, we always had, like, each other from middle school

All the way through high school.

-Yep. -That's true.

This is such an emotional time for all of us as friends.

Just to think that we're gonna go off on our separate ways

And kind of like share new memories with different people,

The thought of it is kind of like sad, but at the same time,

Like, we're all just wanting to make the most memories we can

Before we all leave.yeah.

We're going to make new friends,

And then one day we're gonna have families,

And then we're gonna have kids

And our kids are gonna play together.

-Our kids will play together. -That's crazy.

Jay's crying. Jay!

It's like we're growing up. It's so, like, crazy.

I know. We're growing up.

I literally, like, move out and live on my own,

Like, in a week.

I'm so used to having you guys like one minute away from me.

Like, now I'll have to, like, drive an hour and a half

To see kaci and, like, drive --

I can't even drive to you.

[ Laughing ]

♪♪

-Hey! -Hello. Don't get up.

You don't have to. Hi.

You got sunburned.oh, I went to the beach.

Good for you. Two hours.

I love the beach.i was trying to get, you know,

A break for a minute.oh, I love the beach.

I want to go so bad. Oh.you need to go to the beach.

I do. I really do.

Look at that drink.

I hardly ever get to have some jeanette time.

It's a peach bellini.

But when I do, and it's with kim, it's fantastic.

-Is really good. -It's strong, yeah.

I know.

I have to eat one of these before I drink anything else.

I'm afraid -- you know me.mm-hmm.

Jeanette doesn't drink very often.

I'm, like, more seasoned in a nonalcoholic way.

So everything's good from the graduation?

Well, the graduation went really well.

It was before the graduation that...

In the day. Yeah.

Yeah.i was just so worried about her.

I'm like, "just please just get through the speech."

Cosmo.thank you.

Jeanette: I have to admit, even after speaking to debbie,

My head is still spinning

And my eyes are popping out of my head

And I just need something to concentrate on other than jazz,

And alcohol solves the problem real easily.

It's always fun drinking with you, jeanette.

I just like to drink fast and just let it hit me...

I know you do....all of a sudden.

But anyway, so I have been so stressed out.

Her emotions have been running really high.

I just -- I hate to see her like this.

And all I think about is, well, what is she gonna do

When we're not around if she's like this

When we are around?

I don't know. I just -- that kind of pushed me over the edge

Because I had been already stressed out with her

With the whole drag show.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Jeanette has so much anxiety, I could see it.

And I think, yeah, part of it is because jazz has anxiety,

And I think another part of it is her baby is leaving.

And so I could see the buildup.

Yeah, so I sent ms. Jazz for a spiritual retreat --

"Retweet."

[ Both laughing ]

And who is she with? How many people?

Sylvester, tweety bird.[ Laughing ]

A puddy cat. [ Laughs ]

I love drinking jeanette. I really do.

I'm gonna get another drink.

Okay. Well, I should drink what you're drinking.

I want to feel numb.

I do. I really want to feel numb.

Anyway, I hope that jazz just, like, takes it in.

Because she knows how to breathe and all that.

But I need her to practice what she preaches.

She talks all the time about relaxing

And pressing the reset button and knowing how to cope,

And she talks a good talk, but when she's having anxiety,

She doesn't use any of her own ideas.

So I hope she comes back a new woman.

What about you?

Me? I'm just doing this kind of stuff.

You need a break. Yeah.

Oh, look at that.opposite of graceful.

Thank you.there we go.

Enjoy.thank you.

Okay, so we got to go do fun things.

And how fun would it be to bring all of us --

And mama jacky, grandma jacky -- to a strip club?

Men's. Or women's, whatever.

It'll be fun.

I don't want to go to full frontal.

I don't want the monty.no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to -- you know, hair and...

I don't want anything.

I don't like when they come up to you and gyrate on you.

Like, remember my -- were you at my bachelorette party?

-Yeah. -That was gross.

It was something.

♪♪

Maybe get a hotel room, too.that would be good.

-So we can relax. -Then we can drink, we can uber.

Then if I vomit -- I don't have to worry

About the car ride home.right. You can vomit.

I'll hold your hair.i hate that.

I love you, so I'll hold your hair.

Show me penis. Show me...penis.

Matt bomer. Matt bomer.yes.

I can't even talk.

♪♪

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my god, it looks amazing already.

It looks majestic.

Yay.

Oh, my goodness, it smells so good.

-Hi. -How are you, cuties?

-You look beautiful. -You look beautiful.

-I know you're jazz, right? -Yes. Nice to meet you.

My parents offered this spiritual retreat as a gift

Because mentally and emotionally,

I have been struggling to just chill out,

And I know they're very concerned about me.

So I want to know what you would like

To get out of this experience, you guys.

I just want to learn to relax more

And, like, get rid of, like, negative energy.

-Perfect. -Same with me.

I just want to learn how to control my emotions more.

Perfect.

Okay. So the reason why I'm here is

Because I kind of have internal struggles

And I just feel like it takes over me at times

And makes me overly anxious and depressed.

Kaci: I've known jazz for a long time,

So I've seen her go through pretty much her worst times.

But this is probably the worst

I've seen her anxiety really get to her.

I definitely have some skepticism

When it comes to spirituality,

But I want to help her any way I can.

I want to learn to just gain the strength

And coping skills to be able to handle that.

So often through my anxiety and through my depression,

I allow myself to get wrapped up in my head.

Perfectionism, fear of failure

And the pressure to succeed contaminate me

In some kind of way on an emotional level,

And I b*at myself up, and I want to stop doing that.

♪♪

Namaste, and good afternoon.

I'm the reiki master at bagua.

Reiki is channeling the universal energy, god's energy,

Higher energy through our bodies,

Through our hands, into your organs,

Into your chakras, into your bodies.

The whole purpose of doing this session

Is to release the stress, release the negative energies

And then get you to feel relaxed.

Okay? You can lay down for the reiki session

And we want you to just relax.

Kaci: jazz has gone through so much in her life,

And she's really hard on herself because she is a perfectionist

And she wants to make a difference in this world.

But I think she's reached a breaking point,

And I think she's just looking for some peace.

Your entire body is filled with light and with life.

You have released all the negative energies,

Diseased energies, fears.

Jazz: while they have their hands over me,

There were moments that I experienced a lot of warmth,

And it's an overall really cool sensation,

But I'm just trying way too hard to relax.

Gently open your eyes with a big, big smile.

Thank you so much.

So how do you feel?

Anything you want to share? Any questions?

I felt, like, it on my head, like right here.

Like, it hurt at first. Like, it was like painful,

And then it was just, like, relief.

I felt like as if it was like pouring out of my head.

I don't know. It was like a hole here.

It was just like, I don't know.

Jazz: I felt it a lot in my head as well.

I felt it all over my body. But in my head,

I felt like something was building up, like right here,

Rising to the surface, kind of,

But it's still kind of hanging there.

I feel like there's some more releasing I need to do.

-Of course. -A lot.

It's gonna take years probably.

No, it does not. That's the good news.

How long do you think it takes or like, what --

What can I do to continue working on it?

So here's the thing.

We all have healing ability within ourselves, you know.

We just have to bring it out.

If you have the right intention and the belief,

Things get healed a lot faster.

It's just a matter of, you know,

Working in the right direction and with the right mindset.

-Thank you. -All right.

So you're ready for your next session?

-Yes. -Yes. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Jazz: hearing that it's not gonna take years

To release all of that negative thinking

Is a relief, you know?

I'm not going to lie.

I'm trying to stop the thinking,

But keyword there -- trying.

You can't try to stop thinking.

You just have to be, and the thinking stops then.

It's something I haven't really learned yet.

But I now know that it's not a race.

Whenever you're ready, you can open your eyes.

It's hard for me to calm my mind.

Could you tell?

Yeah, but you let go.

There were a lot of moments I let go.

Yes. Yeah. The mind is strong.

But that's a good thing because you can really transform

Everything you want if you use that energy,

That powerful mind.

The most important is, don't judge it

And don't be hard to yourself,

Because we all go through phases.

You're doing a lot for your age.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I feel like this spiritual journey

That I've been on has been both a beautiful and an ugly thing,

Because you're forced to look

At all of the different aspects of your own ego

And analyze the parts of you that you fear the most.

And it's hard, it's challenging because the mind

Is difficult to b*at, it's so difficult to b*at,

Because you always want to listen to those self-doubts.

And I just think it's so hard for me to admit

That I'm scared of not being good enough.

Man: in the bhakti yoga tradition,

We have many tools to honor divinity, to honor humanity.

We are going to hold these grains,

And I'm going to recite the mantra.

And that mantra is going into the fire

To help us to close chapters,

To open brand new chapters, to move ahead in life.

My main concern moving forward is that at harvard,

Jazz is going to be like mentally her biggest enemy

Just because she is very hard on herself.

Sometimes the only person that defeats herself is herself.

So I'm hoping that she'll be able to accept

The things that come to her

And doesn't get overwhelmed by them.

What is what you wanted to transform into the fire?

I just want to let go of any mistake that I've made

That I'm still attaching to and holding regret towards.

I just want to release all of that and move on from it.

I want so, so much to access inner piece,

But it's just going to take a little bit of time

Just because of how active my brain is.

And as much as it worries my parents,

I still don't know if I'm going to get this anxiety

And depression completely in check

Before I go off to harvard.

I just feel like I'm on my own learning path

And I'll take the steps to change

Because I just want to be better.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi! -Hi!

-Hey! -Hi!

Hi!

Do you believe we're doing this?

So jazz is at the spiritual retreat

Doing whatever it is that makes her feel good.

I'm going to do it makes me feel good.

I'm going to blow off steam and have a few cosmos

Or anything that has alcohol, lots of vodka.

I like vodka. -Yay!

"Sex and the city," move over.

Here comes jeanette and her posse.

[ Whispers ] at the strip club.

Don't let greg now.

You know what? We needed this girls night out.

But I think out of all of us,

Jeanette really needs this girls night out.

If I pee my pants, I know I'm having a good night.

[ Laughter ]yes. Yes.

I've been concerned about jeanette's stress level, period.

She's such a caring, loving girl,

And jeanette needs to just go have herself a good time.

I'm up for this. Yeah.

-Who's going first? -You guys are.

-Can three of us go? -Can five of us go?

Fivesome.think grandma's going.

-I need a crane. -[ Laughs ]

Jeanette: I don't know what's going on back at home, mom,

But you were just a little too excited to jump on that stage.

-Yay, jacky! -Jacky!

-Whoo! [ Cheering ]

Nobody asked her to. She just went.

We're like, "where's she going?"

And next thing I know, she's on the stage.

Male deejay: we got a little double trouble tonight.

No, we have triple trouble.

Jacky: I just tossed myself into the arena.

Probably also needed a night out for -some years.

[ Screaming ] -so let's go for it.

[ Cheering ] [ dance music playing ]

You have to stop moving if I do this.

[ Laughter ]

Jeanette: if you would have ever told me

That I'd be on a stage with some strippers in my face,

With my daughter on one side and my mother on the other side,

I would've a laughed, like, there's no way.

Oh, my god.

And I can't unsee that ever again.

It's b*rned into my brain.

[ Cheering, screaming ]

Male deejay: I feel like we got a good group back there.

Come here, baby. Thank you so much.

[ Cheering ]

I like that we all, quote, "let it hang out."

[ Cheering ]

Jeanette: I wanted to go out.

I wanted to let loose for a night,

And I got more than I bargained for.

But I had fun.

-Smile. -Hi.

I laughed till I peed, and that's what I wanted.

I just wanted to laugh, laugh, laugh

And not have to worry about jazz.

-How are you feeling now? -Much better.

I wasn't thinking about anything other

Than what was in front of me.

Can we hit another bar?

-Hell, yeah! [ All cheer ]

This is it, baby. You ready?

My nerves are very tightly wired,

And I just can't wait for it to be over with.

We're at the airport.

We're about to head to san francisco

For noelle's surgery.

♪♪

I love san francisco. It's so good to be back.

It's just weird, like, you're all done with your surgery,

And here we are again.i'm all done.

But now we're here for noelle.

I'm excited for noelle. Her surgery is tomorrow.

And even though we raised $,,

I made a promise to noelle that I would help her attain

The $, goal.

So I'm not going to give up.

-Hey! -Hi!

-My girls are here. -What's up?

-How are you? -Good to see you.

-Hi. -Same here.

It's definitely reassuring to have jazz

And jeanette here with us as we're gonna see marci bowers.

Just because they know some questions to ask.

They know things to look for.

Not only that, but it's always nice to have

Somebody who's gonna comfort you

And just be there to keep you calm.

What I'm anticipating isn't necessarily like butterflies,

But all of those, like, "lasts" that I'm going to have,

Like the last time you're going to go

To the bathroom standing or something like that.

I know. Right before my surgery,

I like -- when they're about to roll me in,

I was like, "wait, one more time."

And I looked at myself one more time.

I was like, "okay, goodbye."

I was telling her on the way here,

I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday,

And I'm like, "you're a cute little guy."

[ Laughs ]

Noelle: I feel nothing but excitement.

There's no nervousness on my end.

Maybe a little bit on your end.

How long before surgery did, like, everything hit you?

The morning of I was like, "oh, my goodness."

And then it was like the most intense butterflies ever,

But butterflies of excitement, like it was good.

Did you have second thoughts before your surgery?

No. I had no second thoughts.

I knew that it was what I wanted.

When I do all of my research and see the accounts

Of other trans women having this surgery,

They all break down in tears,

Either because they're so happy or they're so scared.

And for me, it's just this is something that I've wanted

For a long time, and I'm not scared for that.

Noelle, ready for you.

-Yay! -Love you.

Ooh, here we go.

Cheryl: hours from now when noelle is out of surgery,

I am going to be so relieved that she is safe

And she is healthy and her dream has come true.

I feel like dr. Bowers is like the fairy godmother

Of the trans community.

-She really is. -I was texting her.

I'm like, "I'm so excited for tuesday."

And then she called me, she goes, "so, my baby girl."

And I'm like, I'm "baby girl."

[ Laughter ]

-There she is! -Hi!

Hello, everyone.

We've seen noelle on a number of occasions, of course,

Over the last couple of years.

The first time I met her was just after

The parkland sh**ting.

And I can't imagine what she went through through that.

But today she is just radiant and excited and interactive,

And it's clear that she's a great candidate for surgery.

My graduation was actually yesterday.

-Oh, yes. -So if I had any, like,

Emotional catharsis, it was definitely after that.

Feels like the strongest high school that I can imagine.

Noelle: in the last year and a half,

I've felt everything from the most profound sadness

To the most sincere joy that a person can feel.

From the sh**ting, I was really just in despair.

And dr. Bowers unfortunately had to see that

Because that was when my consult was.

And now, just before my surgery,

I am truly the happiest that I've been in a long, long while.

And I'm just glad that she gets to see that going into surgery.

Hormones, I think he started, what,

About three years ago or so?yeah.

And you've been living as yourself about four and a half?

-Yeah. -Have you assigned a word

For your sexual preference?

-You can just go bi. -Okay.

And then do you have a sweetheart now?

-No. -No. Okay.

-Jazz: "a sweetheart." -Well, you know,

Somebody to cheer at least.

Jeanette and I want these two to get together, but...

I think they're getting married.

Dr. Bowers: oh, well...

This is absolutely the first I'm ever hearing about this.

I think the girls are really compatible in many ways,

And you challenge each other in other ways,

And I just, I don't know, I think you get along very well.

I don't know if there's attraction or what

Or you care about that because you're pansexual,

But if you look at her soul,

Her soul and your soul are like -- ooh.

I think noelle and I have a very special friendship,

But I don't think it's gonna go beyond that.

I think jazz and I are really good friends.

I don't think that we are the soul mates

Our parents apparently wish us to be.

[ Laughs ]

So surgery should last about three, three and a half hours.

-Okay. -It's done in one stage,

The jazz surgery.no jazz surgery for you.

-Noelle: okay. -You get a noelle surgery.

Noelle is having the standard gender-affirming vaginoplasty.

And there should be plenty of skin,

So she shouldn't have too much drama

Like we saw with jazz.

Depth -- you'll get depth because you have skin.

That's really the major thing.okay.

Pain is usually less than most other surgeries,

Which is a big surprise to people.

But you're young. Young people have more pain

Because they have better blood flow.

-All right. -And so you'll probably

Have some pain, no question.

It's all about attitude, and you definitely have

A good attitude going into this.

I feel like noelle is going to experience

So many different things with this surgery

Because it's so much more than just a physical change.

There's an emotional

And spiritual transformation that comes with it.

And I feel like she's really going to experience that.

And after this surgery, she's gonna be unstoppable.

So, okay. And, jazz, I do want to examine you

As long as you're here.

So since you saw dr. Ting, any change since that time?

Everything looks about the same.

It looks really good.

But the only thing is the pee stream.

I have to adjust my body a little bit

And sometimes I take like a wipey and I hold it,

And then the pee hits the wipey instead of flying out.

If there is a deflection of urine,

That is unusual,

And so if I see what the root cause of that is,

I might propose to you that,

You know, this is something that could be corrected.

Jeanette: I'm extremely nervous.

Okay, so I'm going to take a look

And then we'll talk about what I see afterwards.

I never know if the doctors are going to like what they see

Or not like or think that she's doing well or not.

I don't -- you know, I'm not a mind reader.

I don't know what they think. I'm not a doctor.

So the overriding picture is, really looks terrific.

Mm-hmm.

There are a few issues that I saw,

And I agree with dr. Ting

That the urethra is certainly right in the midline.

So that's that's not the cause of the urine being deflected.

So that the urinary issue probably relates to the fact

That there is still quite

A bit of erectile tissue down below the urethra.

So in theory, that could actually be reduced a bit,

But up to a year there is still swelling...

Yep....that does reduce.

So I usually, for something as minor as this,

I would usually say wait at least a year

And see if it doesn't get better and better.

So I'm extremely optimistic.

The state of jazz's vag*na is very good.

Even though her pee stream is slightly deflected.

Most patients we end up seeing get resolved.

So my suggestion is just to wait until it's been a year,

Until the swelling goes down.

Even if we did want to do something,

It would probably be minor and as an outpatient.

-All right. -See you tomorrow.

-All right. -Love you so much.

Jazz: I'm so relieved that I don't need a fourth surgery,

And now that my exam is over,

I just want to redirect the focus back to noelle.

You know, she has this big day coming up tomorrow,

And I'm sending all positive thoughts and vibrations.

Can we do that thing together, the -- this...

Positive thoughts and vibrations.

♪♪

There she goes.

It's been a really good day so far.

Marci said jazz's vajayay, coochie-hoochie,

Whenever you want to call it, looks good,

And that made jazz happy, so everything's good.

I'm feeling grateful for so much right now.

Life is good. Marci liked what she saw.

And noelle is getting her bloodwork right now.

Mm-hmm.

Remember when we first met her?

Mm-hmm. She was so sad.

She has already changed so much.today she is like glowing,

And she hasn't even had the surgery.

Yeah. She's already gone through a spiritual transformation.

There'll be no stopping her.

There's gonna be no stopping her.

And then you guys can get married.

Oh, my goodness. You're going back to that again.

It's gonna be a good day tomorrow.

Yep.

Where did you just go?

What are you thinking about?

Honestly, if I let it, my mind can be a monster,

And I just don't want to let it be that.

I mean, there's still just so many different things

That give me anxiety. Like this song for noelle --

I still have to post that song for her

That I recorded with sander.

But I just haven't been able to post it because I don't know.

Just the a capella version isn't exactly what I envisioned.

So what? Let it go.

But it doesn't have the track.let the track go.

Nobody knows there was a track.

But see, even now I'm letting myself get anxiety about that.

Well, we're gonna work on that before you go to harvard,

Because I cannot send her off to school like this.

It's very frustrating because I just watch somebody

Be their own worst enemy.

You just want to shake, be like,

Snap out of it. Like, this is ridiculous.

She thinks negative thoughts and they consume her.

It needed one more session.

I just never set the time to do that.

You were busy!

I know, but in my mind, I'm just like,

What if? What if? We could've worked on the track

And then I could've posted it

And it would've been more powerful with the track.

And, you know, I have it. I have the post ready.

I wrote the caption and everything.

I have the video.

Well, I saw it, and I think it's wonderful.

And I'd like you to take your telephone out right now.

Pull it out. Come on. Pull it out.

-Right now? -Right now. Take it out.

I think the reason why I'm having a hard time

Is because I'm still fearful.

I have a lot of fear.

You have to realize that nobody's judging you.

You're so hard on yourself that you're crippling yourself.

I really am trying to overcome my anxiety

And trying to overcome

All of the little mental tics that affect me.

Okay. Don't even think about it.

Just post it.

I want to progress, and that's my goal.

That's my intention.

But I just let my fear of being judged by others to dictate me.

There you go.[ Music plays ]

It's up? No.

Come on.

Do you want me to press the button?

Don't listen to it.

Let's not lose sight of the goal.

The goal is to help your friend.to help noelle.

Helping noelle.you're right.

You are so right. You know what?

It doesn't frickin' matter

If it's not what I wanted it to be.

It's to help noelle.

Okay. Did you post it?

It's posting so right now.

It's taking a little while, but...

Don't look back. Just look forward.

You're doing a really good thing.

I really feel that was a big step

Because she wasn't pleased with the way it was.

It was not perfect.

But she needs to learn to let things slide off her back

And live in the present.

It's going to be a constant process for her,

And she needs to have other people there

To help her and accept that help.

I love you so, so much.

Every day to the day I die,

Look me in the eye and tell me that.

-I will. -Okay?

-Yes, it's working. -It's making money?

Yes. A lot of donations are coming in.

Ahh! We already raised,

Like, $.

I am so stoked. It happened very quickly.

People were sending in those donations.

Oh, my goodness. Yes.

Yay, the post is working.

It was worth it in the end,

And I'm really hoping that it will help noelle reach her goal

So she could feel a great sense of peace before the surgery.

See? All that worrying for no reason.

Ah, I still think it would've been better with the track.

It would have raised $.

♪♪

Oh, my gosh.

It's been over four hours. I hope we hear soon.

Four hours into surgery,

Mike and cheryl just want to know what the heck's going on.

Waiting here is just t*rture.

♪♪

Your life is just beginning today.

I'm going to be with you every step of the way, okay?

I'm not sad. That's not why I'm crying.

I know.

Just got a lot going through you.

This year has been so hard for me.

And just everything has been

Leading up to this.

Waking up before surgery,

I'm happy for a lot of things. I'm crying constantly,

But none of it is out of sadness or fear.

I really feel like this has been...

One of the things that I was staying alive for.

Aw.

♪♪

I don't think I've been more ready for anything in my life,

But I think this is hitting me, just this immense relief

Of the last several years.

Love you guys.

We love you too.

Cheryl: noelle is very emotional this morning,

Which I'm glad to see that she is expressing her emotions

Because she has been so straight-faced

Throughout this whole experience.

So to see her actually release some of her emotions

I think is very cathartic for her.

It's really hard to be scared when you know that there's

So much love around you.[ Knock on door ]

Do you mind if I get that? You okay?

-Hello! -Hi! Come on in!

-Good morning! -Oh!

Hey, guys.

Oh, my goodness, are you crying already?

Oh, my god. It's the day!

-Did we interrupt? -Sorry if I'm not getting up,

But the fasting makes me winded whenever I get up.

Oh, my god. You must be so hungry right now.

-Sit down. -Actually, surprisingly not.

I'm just -- I'm really grateful to be alive.

Yes. Yes.

I've been waiting for this for so long.

A lot of anticipation.

And I'm just -- I'm really grateful

That, you know, all of you guys are able to be here.

We're so happy to be here for you.

Did you see the fundraiser?what happened?

Oh, we're at $,.

We reached it. We did it.we reached the goal!

You're just like...[ Laughter ]

[ Sniffles ]

Oh, my good. You're looking.

You did it. We did it.

All right? [ Laughs ]

Noelle: I was very grateful that she made it

So that my fundraiser can just gain those extra few dollars

So that we can reach our goal.

But also, I'm just proud to have her as a friend,

Just someone so loving and someone so talented and caring.

You don't really find friends like jazz.

I'm grateful for a lot today.

If I could hug everybody out there

Who donated, 'cause without all of them,

None of this is possible -- none of it.

People are absolutely phenomenal.

I've endured a lot,

And I really want to thank all of you guys.

You guys really make this all possible.

Aw...

Mm.

I love you.

I love you.

My baby girl.

And I'm going to be right there with you when you wake up.

Okay? Yeah.

I love noelle, and I don't always see her

This vulnerable, and it was moving.

-All right. Are we ready? -Oh, my god.

[ Door opens ]

Let's do it.here we go.

Oh...

♪♪

Come on, noelle-a-bella.

Noelle-a-bella.

Cheryl: today just feels so surreal to me.

I can't believe that it's actually surgery day.

My nerves are very tightly wired

And I just can't wait for it to be over with.

Reality is really sinking in now.

Mm-hmm.

Jazz: even though this isn't the exact hospital

That I had my surgery at, there is a feeling of nostalgia

Because I went through such a similar experience

And I know what noelle is feeling in this moment.

It's this surreal feeling like,

Oh, my god, it's finally happening.

-I love you. -You, too.

It's okay.

[ Laughter ]

[ Door opens ]

-Noelle? -Okay, you ready?

Yep.all right.

All right, well, I'll see you guys in a little bit.

-Good luck. -Hi, how are you?

Great. How are you this morning?

-Good, thank you. -Good morning.

So, how are you feeling right now?

I'm starting to get a little nervous.

Yeah.i mean, it's about to happen.

I can't believe she was , and now she's .

And it's just like, wow, where did time go?

Yeah.you know, like,

One second she was playing football.

And by the way, she was like,

She was good, you know, and...

And then she's coming out.

And how do you transition, like, you know --

She had short hair.

Lay back and see if it's comfortable for you.

Yep.

Okay. Oh, you look so cute.

It's really tight.

You know, in her eyes, she just thought

It was never going to get here.jazz: yeah.

Like, every step she took towards getting to this point

Was -- it was frustrating, but...

Man, you blink your eyes and it's here.

Where noelle's been for the past five years for us

Has probably years for her in the making, and, you know,

She's going to be starting college,

And a whole new life has really opened up to her.

And I know she's going to do great things.

Hey. Oh, I love the hair.

Jazz: you did a great job on the braids. You look so cute.

We've all been anticipating this for so long.

But noelle has been the one who's been anticipating

This the most, and I'm just so excited for her.

I know that she is ready for this.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-Hi, everyone. Hi. -Hello.

Yeah, so, good morning, noelle. How are you?

-I'm ready. -All right. Well, good.

Well, everything should go well today.

It's about three, three and a half hours.

And then I'll pop out to the waiting area

Or wherever we'll convene again.

So, on that note,

We're going to do great for you, baby.

-Okay? -Mm-hmm.

All right.

I'm looking forward to waking up and just knowing

That my life has changed and it's changed in a way

That I've been anticipating for years and years.

I've been waiting to affirm my gender since I was born.

It's hard waiting to have your body the way you feel like

It's always meant to be.

I have faced so many roadblocks.

Your football jersey.

Me transitioning when I was years old,

I had to go through male puberty,

Which did irreversible damage to my body.

I honestly think that if I kept on going that way,

I just -- I wouldn't be here.

It'll take about seven treatments of laser

Before all the hair completely disappears.

-Am I red? -Just a little bit of red

On his -- on her neck right here.

I was like, so ready to speak up.

You have to understand that this happens to me on a daily basis.

But if I cared about what people think,

I don't think I'd ever go outside.

Throughout everything, I have been so lucky

To have been surrounded by friends and family.

This is it, baby. You ready?

This surgery means freedom,

It means a life in which I'm not ruled by my body

And that my body isn't inhibiting how I live.

Mm! You be good.

Bye, noelle. See you later.

I'll see you soon, okay?i love you.

I love you.

Transformation begins!i love you.

Love you, noelle. You'll do great.

Jeanette: good luck!

I think she's in a good place, and...

She's just ready to go.

There she goes. There she goes.

There she goes.oh, my god.

Now I can have my panic att*ck.

[ Laughter ]

You held it together really well.

Yeah, you really did.

Noelle's surgery is going to be quite different than jazz's

Because noelle went through a puberty,

Which allowed her to get adult tissues

That we're now turning into female tissues,

Whereas jazz had puberty blocked.

So we were really working with infantile tissues.

So the two are night and day difference

In terms of difficulty.

Noelle should have plenty of skin,

But you can't be certain

About anything until we get into surgery.

♪♪

♪♪

Waiting here is just t*rture.

I just want peace for noelle finally with all of this.

I think she's gonna -- she's totally gonna have that.

Waiting for noelle to come out

Is basically like putting yourself

In front of a white canvas,

Painting it white and then watching it dry.

It's rough.

Cheryl: it's the unknown for me that is so scary.

I have a question. So what made noelle finally

Have the strength to say,

"This is who I am. This is what I want"?

Like -- I don't think we've talked about it.

When "orange is the new black" came out...

Mm-hmm.we were watching it,

And one day she just started asking

About laverne cox's character.

So she asked me, well,

"What do you think about the character being a woman?"

And I said, "that's great.

You know, she's happy. She's who she needs to be."

And I think it was that that --

-Jazz: yay, laverne! -That moment that got her

Thinking that it was time to come out to us.

And she knew the word transgender, what that meant?

Yes, she knew.

I'm sure she'd been googling it.

Oh, she gave us the whole rundown when she first came out.

She did a book report for us.yeah, she did.

-She had statistics, she had... -Oh, yeah.

...charts.

Laser pointer. Oh, yeah.pointer.

Powerpoint. "Mom, dad..."

That's -- that's how she did it.

"Turn off the lights and look at the wall."

[ Laughs ]

I'm not gonna lie. It wish it was already over.

I want to see it already.

♪♪

Good morning, sander.

You have a nice date with a tequila sunrise.

After the double date with monna, we've kept in touch.

We snapchat, we text a little bit,

And we've gotten to know each other a little bit better.

-Hello! -What's up?

Not much. How about you?how are you?

I'm good. How are you?good.

And we definitely have some sort of connection,

But I don't really know what it is.

So do you want to play cornhole?

Guess we'll find out soon.

Okay.

Man, what is this?

-Zero-zero. -So we both suck.

We both suck.

The last time I saw sander, went kayaking.

Right, left.

So I was kind of expecting to hear from him again.

We did talk about planning another hangout

Or just doing something more relaxed.

You're a cornhole master.

Literally, bow down.

You win.

Thank you. Thank you.

I like this game!

Sander: monna has some really impressive cornhole skills.

I called that you were gonna b*at me from the beginning.

I promise I didn't let her win.

You're a winner.thank you. I appreciate it.

So how are the guys up at school?

The guys, like, my friends? [ Laughs ]

I don't know. "The guys."

How are guys at ucf? Like, my friend goes there.

Yeah. How's he?

He's a good guy.

I mean, I have my little group of friends.

Love them.

Other than that, I really haven't been, like,

Looking in that department, you know?

Mm-hmm.

The main thing I like about sander is like

Almost as if I've known him for longer than I actually have.

I don't go on that many dates, to be honest.

Like, I just --

I mean, I think we have a good time.

Kissing monna isn't really something

That has crossed my mind thus far.

Yeah, so I'm home this whole summer.

But right now it's kind of nice because it's a peaceful house

Because my mom and jazz are both in san francisco.

-Oh, that's cool. For what? -For noelle's surgery.

I don't know if you've kept on touch

With my instagram right now.

What did you think about me dressed up in drag?

[ Laughs ] I did -- it was -- okay, it was very funny.

I'm not going to lie. You pulled it off.

Do you want to see the behind-the-scenes video

That I have? I would.

Yes, kissing monna has crossed my mind,

But at the same time, this emotional connection

We're at right now,

It's making me happy and I'm enjoying it.

So, yeah, that's my side job.

I'm proud of you. That's your side job?

No, I'm just kidding.[ Laughs ]

I did it for noelle.did it --

That's sweet. That's sweet. That's nice of you.

You looked good doing it.

Ah, stop. [ Laughs ]

I'm having so much fun on this date with sander.

He's a great guy. We have a really good time

Every single time we've hung out so far.

And I'm open to the idea of seeing him again,

Like continuing our friendship and seeing where it goes.

Do you want to play another game of cornhole?

You mean do you want me to b*at you

In another game of cornhole?

[ Sighs ] not this time.

Monna: okay. We'll see about that.

♪♪

Oh, my gosh.

It's been for over four hours.

I hope we hear soon.

Four hours into surgery,

Mike and cheryl just want to know what the heck's going on.

They want to know that their baby is safe

And that everything went well.

That's all they want to hear at this point in time.

The longer the time goes by, the more nervous I'm getting.

It's expected. I was the same way, too.

It's like [gasps].

-Hi. -Hi.

-I'm having deja vu. -Yes, I know.

And once again...

It's a girl!it's a girl!

Yay!

So she did -- she did super well.

Oh, thank you so much.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Thank you.

Jeanette: I know how mike and cheryl are feeling

When I see dr. Bowers.

They just want to hug her

Because she just made their child's dream come true.

And the surgery's over. Don't have to worry anymore.

I wanted to tell you, we did use the tunica vaginalis.

I think I actually overestimated

How much tissue she had to work with,

Because we needed just that little bit more extra skin.

And that'll be nice because that's just like --

Just like you.

It's the peritoneum.mm-hmm.

And just that extra little couple

Two, three centimeters of length that make the difference

In getting enough depth.so how much depth?

You know, six inches is more than cisgender girls have,

So it's just absolutely fantastic.

And I think it's really pretty, too -- I think.

-Ooh! -I mean, we'll see.

She's in recovery.

She'll be back up here in about an hour or so.

Just keep her happy and comfortable.

Okay? Good.

Okay. Thank you.

Thank you again.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.mwah.

-Love you. -I love you, too.

-[ Relieved gasping ] -jeanette: it's a girl!

Mike: our daughter's coming home.

♪♪

-There she is. -There she is!

It's a girl!

-Hi! -Hey, baby! How are you?

Long time, no see!

Hello!

-I'm tired. -Cheryl: you're tired?

You've been sleeping all day.

Sorry. I'm just lazy, I guess.

[ Jeanette laughs ]

Well, congratulations.

You're a girl!yay!

Seeing noelle for the first time when she came in

And seeing the glow in her eyes and her goofy spirit

And knowing that everything went well,

I feel like I can breathe finally.

I love everyone in this room.

-We love you, too. -We love you, too.

So how do you feel now that it's over?

Accomplished.

It really does feel like you just achieved this huge event,

Even though you're the one who's asleep

And dr. Bowers did all the work.

It's something that you've been anticipating for so long,

So it does feel like you are accomplished

And have this huge sense of relief

And that you could put this whole chapter of your life

Behind you.

Do you guys actually get to see marci after the...

-We did. -Mm-hmm. She came in here.

She said the surgery went well.

There were no complications.

The material that she had to work with

Was not exactly as much as she thought it was going to be.

So she did have to use...

What do they call that?the tunica vaginalis.

What's that?

So it's the lining of your testicle.

It's peritoneum. Okay.

It's the peritoneum of your testicles.

Oh, do you want to say how much depth as well?

[ Chuckling ]jeanette: more details.

Inches....inches.

Thank goodness.

[ Laughter ]

So you are now this -- like, basically the same depth

And size as a cisgendered girl.

Jazz: she said six to six and a half inches.

And dr. Bowers said she thought it was a very pretty vag*na.

Noelle's clawed her way through the mess, so to speak,

And she'd be distraught

And wanted to take her own life.

And the fact that she was able to persevere

And make it and not give up, I mean, that's my hero.

That's somebody that I could look up to.

I'm just so proud of you. I really do love you a lot.

And you know I love you, too.

Mm. Mwah!

I love everyone in this room.

It means more than they can ever know

That there are a lot of people who love me surrounding me.

At a lot of times in my life, I've felt like I was alone,

But it's very apparent to me now

That I've always been surrounded by love.

Well, I think we're gonna let you get some rest.

Thank you for...you're welcome.

...being here right now.

-Of course. -Yay!

-Yay! -Oh!

You did it. Wait, high five.

Oop.[ Chuckling ]

All right, thank you.

♪♪

I don't even know where to start.

My goodness.

Jeanette: we have a family camping trip coming up

And we need some items for the journey.

-Look at this camouflage. -This is --

It's adorable. Who knew?

The camping store has lots of good fashionable wear.

-These are for you. -Excuse me?

♪♪

[ Gasps softly ]

Hmm. Smells good in here.

Believe it or not, I am shopping for my dorm.

But I'm still fearful about going to harvard.

I just don't know what's in store for me there.

I just want to be able to handle every single obstacle

That comes my way.

But with everything that's been going on these last few months,

I keep wondering whether I am going to succeed

Or crumble completely.

And I'm trying to stay optimistic.

But I just -- I don't know.

-Hi. -Hello.

How are you?

There's my completed woman.

Yeah.

Now we're both completed woman.

I haven't seen jazz in kind of what feels like forever.

And this is actually the first time I've seen her

Since my surgery, and now we're off to college,

And for the first time, like,

Really optimistic about my future.

Is anything catching your eye?

This pink pig over here.

Just 'cause it's so great.that was catching my eye, too.

It's a piggy bank. Okay.

Noelle: even though we're gonna split apart,

We still have, like, right now to kind of hang out and chill.

So you got to tell me how you're feeling.

Do you feel complete and whole,

Just at peace and happy?

For the first time in my life, I think about the future,

And I'm like, I can achieve anything.

I'm viewing my body in a completely different light.

And just things tend to just be a little bit brighter for me.

Noelle is just beaming after her surgery.

I mean, when I first met her, she was already amazing

And affirmed in her identity.

So this is pretty cool.

And she has always been an old soul

And has this special wisdom within her.

But I think now she's even

More than ever stepping into her power.

She's more confident and comfortable with herself.

And that's all I wanted for her.

Actually, I want to talk to you about vocal lessons.

I'm very insecure about my voice.

I think I have really --you still are?

Yeah. It sounds good now.

I think I have thick skin for everything

Except my transition.

I honestly do think your voice sounds amazing.

You shouldn't feel insecure about it at all

Because...i don't know.

You still sound like noelle, and I love that about you

Because your voice is just noelle.

I'd like to think that vocal lessons

Are the final step in my transition.

Yellow fat hippopotamus of happ--

But I don't think I'll ever be done with my transition

Because I don't ever want to be done growing.

So how has the recovery been?

Because I know that's kind of the most challenging part.

I would say my recovery has been pretty smooth.

The hardest part about recovery is definitely dilating.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yes.you know,

Like I said at first, it hurt.

It doesn't really hurt anymore.

Are you on the biggest dilator?yeah.

Do you get all five dots in?mm-hmm.

Ooh, girl, you're a master.

But, yeah, I think it's looking great.

You know, I have my little, like, hand-held mirror

To help me dilate, and so I get to look at it.

I'm happy with the results.

And I would not go back for the world.

Even with everything that I experience,

I just feel like it did help me step into my identity in full

And to hear you say the same thing,

I mean, that's what the surgery does.

It changes your life, and that's what you experienced.

That's what I experienced.

And I just feel like, yeah, no regrets at all.

I am so incredibly happy.

I like this pillow.

This surgery has given me everything,

Basically everything that I wanted in this life.

And I don't think there's a situation in which

I would ever turn back and say I wouldn't get it again.

Oh, and one thing that has come about after the surgery

Is like, in recent years, I gen--

No one ever believes this, but I genuinely never wanted to,

Like, look for a partner at all just because, like,

I wasn't ready for it.

After surgery, I'm like, I'm going to college.

I'm gonna situate myself.

I'm gonna look for a boo.

Get your boo. Oh, my goodness.

You and I definitely need to hang out on breaks, though.

We will, always.because I definitely --

I would definitely be upset if, like, we part for college

And then we only ever see each other

Like once every couple years.

No, we're always gonna be sisters.

We are sisters.that's definitely how I want

To, like, break apart.

I can honestly say I have absolutely no clue

How jazz and I are going to move forward

And how our relationship is going to evolve after college.

What I'm hoping is that we stay in touch and on our breaks

We get to hang out.

Because I mean, if this is it

And this is the last couple of weeks

We get to spend together. That's honestly gonna suck.

She's been one of my best friends for years

And I'm not ready to say goodbye forever.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, this is different.wow.

Wow.

We have a family camping trip coming up

And we need some items for the journey.

I don't even know where to start.

Oh, my goodness.

We are an outdoorsy family.

We've ventured out to scuba diving

And rafting and outdoorsy-outdoorsy,

Which is great.

Keep going, we're getting there, we're getting there.

Jazz is going off to college soon,

And this is going to be our last trip together, all eight of us.

So here we are,

Jeanette and jacky, dynamic shopping duo.

Not really knowing what we're getting,

But we're going camping, so it's shopping.

We don't care. It's shopping.

You need the tent, right?uh...

-Right? -Me? Tent?

Not exactly. I don't do tents, jeanette.

I still ask myself why I'm agreeing to go

On a camping trip.

Roughing it for me has been having to take

Your own toilet tissue into a european bathroom.

...get to clothes.

Oh, cute camouflagey clothing.

-Now we're talking. -You're here for a tent.

Who cares about the tents? Let's just go clothing shopping.

Oh, my god. All this camouflage.

It's adorable.who knew?

The camping store has lots of good fashionable wear.

This is you right here.

I own them. I have these.

Love the camping clothing.

Cute little tops and colorful pants.

-That's my forte. -These are for you.

-Excuse me? -Yeah.

Jacky: as far as a tent or an inflatable boat

Or mosquito netting... Eh.

This is it right here.this is it?

I'm sleeping in this.

Well, it's camouflage.

It's a step in the right direction.

I think it's the one for the panda bears.

-I'm going to need a hat. -A pith helmet?

What's a -- like one of those hard hats?

When you're going on an african safari.

You know, those hard hats.no, no, no.

Well, what are you going to run into in the woods?

I'm going to be camouflaged. I'm getting a camouflage hat.

Let's look.

You look cute in a cap, jeanette.

I've never had one of these.

This is a rain cap.

Hold on, let's see.

That is adorable on you.

I'm gonna be the camp ranger.

I'm really happy. I want camouflage.

In case there's a bear, you know?

We really didn't do the greatest job

In getting supplies,

So I'm going to have to send the kids back.

But can't wait to wear the hat.

[ Laughter ]

That's not even up for discussion.

I'd look like mt. Everest.

No. Or the statue of liberty. I think not.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

You smell the ocean breeze?i do.

It smells good. Soothing.

It's beautiful.it's very nice.

Jeanette and I are still looking for a place to move on to

Because if all things go as planned,

We will be empty nesters this year.

Nice to see you.thanks so much.

-Wow. -Much to the same design

As the one we saw previously.

Something about that view is just incredible.

Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

Man: bit of a wow factor, right?yeah.

The first condo really gave us an idea

Of what we're looking for, what we're not looking for.

So now we're gonna tour another condo.

Yeah. Jeanette, you were mentioning a kitchen

That gives you that feel that it's an open space.

Take a look around here.yeah. Oh!

-Right? -Wait, I have to look over here.

[ Laughs ] you're always --

I'm always looking for pantry space.

Actually pantries that stay closed.

[ Both laugh ]i want a real kitchen.

I want like a kitchen with an island.

Come on, open concept.

You watch hdtv with me all the time.

It's all we do. Everybody wants open concept

And the big island.

I want that. I want open concept

And a big island.

If it doesn't flush right, place ain't worth it.

There you go.[ Laughter ]

Woman: you have this nice walk-in closet.

-The missus. -I was gonna say,

That's not big enough for you.yes, the missus.

So now I'm going to take you into the master bedroom,

Which is absolutely spectacular.

-Watch your step on that guard. -Ocean breeze.

-Are there rules about... -Little pets like little cats?

There are pet restrictions.

So you can't have a regular cat?

Okay. No, no.

No pets is a deal breaker. Unless we find out

We can kind of sneak one in somehow and they won't know.

Just so you know... What?

There's no way I would actually purchase a place

Unless you had pre-authorization to have that pet in there.

You are absolutely right.

So I'm not sneaking any catching anywhere.

How's that kitchen for you?good.

Is it just good? I mean, because, you know,

Good isn't gonna quite get it.

It doesn't have the island.

The island.but it's good.

'Cause you want a place where everybody

Could kind of congregate.yeah. Yeah.

You see the future?

I don't know if it's the next chapter.

That's part of the issue. Right?

Because we've still got the kids in flux.

[ Sighs ] this truly is beautiful.

I feel like we're headed in the right direction.

I got to say, on a scale of one to

In terms of jeanette's commitment to this move,

Jeanette is probably at a...

[ Exhales ]

....

I think I'm more like .

I feel like something new and refreshing

Will make me feel really happy

And I just haven't felt happy-happy in a while.

So we'll keep looking, and if something comes out

And wow, we're gonna jump on it.

Anyway, we have work to do

Because we've got to prepare for camping.

We're gonna worry about camping

While we're sitting on a balcony...

Yeah. Because I'm always on to the next thing.

Your mom and your dad are going to pitch a tent...

It's for one night.

...and sleep out in the wilderness?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No.

I do not -- [chuckles] I do not see jacky

As an outdoorsy person.

I'm not sure --as long as it's not raining.

I'm not sure how...not too hot, not too cold.

...long she's gonna survive in the wilderness.

She suggested maybe an rv.

We go in the tent and they get the rv?

Yeah.

If they bring an rv, I'm going with them.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Greg: this might be the last trip that we take as a family

Before everybody goes and does their thing,

And then jeanette and I are empty nesters.

Look at the weather!

Jacky: this is the land of oz, and I'm not dorothy.

♪♪

-Here you go. -Wow.

How many sleeping bags can you carry at once?

Uh, here.

Good job, griff.

Here you go.

I'm looking forward to hitting the road.

We've got the cooler, too.

Oh, the cooler?uhh.

[ Laughing ]

This might be the last trip that we take as a family

Before everybody goes and does their thing,

And then jeanette and I are empty nesters.

-[ Sighs ] -what's up?

-There she is. -You look so cute.

-Ready to go camping. -Last but not least.

Jazz: my family is just so excited for this trip

To just let loose and have fun.

And I don't blame them, because my struggles

With anxiety and depression this past year

Has caused them so much angst and concern for me.

They definitely deserve a break.

All right.

Are we all ready for this trip?

Jacky: this a new adventure for us.

Jack: yeah.can you believe

We're going camping, jack?

Uh...it's hard to believe that I'm driving this rv.

It's a different feel from driving our sedan.

Never. [ Laughs ]

You think we're gonna meet any critters in the campground?

I am not the being for putting me in the wilderness

With marshmallows on a stick.

But as I love this family and embrace them, I'll try it.

You know what? I'm worried about the weather.

You see those clouds?i certainly do.

[ Thunder rumbles ]jeanette: look at the weather.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -It's like a hurricane.

Oh, my gosh.

[ Phone rings ]

-Is that jeanette? -Yeah.

-Okay. -Hi.

We're under the weather.we see it.

We're feeling it. We're driving a rainstorm.

What are we getting ourselves into?

I know what we're getting ourselves into.

This is not the land of oz,

And I'm not dorothy.

It's time for plan b.

Sander: griffen, bro, your stake is -- was not in.

This side is, like, rocky. This side keeps coming out.

Well, did you loop it through? Because it makes it easier

To stake it if you loop it through.

Huh?

Camping may have gotten rained out,

But this changes nothing except location.

Wow, we did it.

-It's time for camping! -Hello!

-What are you doing? -What are you guys doing?

Family, what's up?welcome to the club.

Greg: this like our private campground right here.

We're showing you our survival skills.

We went all that way,

And we could have just done this in the first place.

Sander: now we're just in a more comfortable location.

Doesn't mean we're going to not do the same old things

That we were going to do at camping, like s'mores

And pitching a tent and sleeping in a tent.

Honestly, I don't want to sleep in the tent.

So you remember when you guys were all young,

I said, "hey, why don't we just camp in the backyard?"

And none of you guys were into it.

Sander: I was always into it. It just never happened.

I'm still not into it.

You must know how to get around,

How to forage and get food.

-Look what I got. -Marshmallows.

Hey, jazz, you want to get the s'mores going?

Yeah. I'm going to go make the fire.

You must be one with nature.

-So many -- -oh, my god!

-Ew! -So many bugs.

Oh, just like a whole colony living there.

You must be able to start a fire.

[ Clatters ]oh!

Do you know what you're doing?

Griffen: the jennings are not campers.

Uh, uh!i think it's working.

-Ew, that smells terrible. -It smells funky.

So how many jennings does it take to light a fire?

Wait, we lost our fire again?

I watch "naked and afraid" all the time.

You have to get some little sticks.

Greg: griffen, the twig man, you guys are so outdoorsy.

I'm really impressed.

[ All talking at once ]wow, we're gonna be able

To do this 'cause grandpa's here!

Let's see if grandpa can do it.

-Hi, sweetheart. -Hi, grandpa.

How are you with fires?

I was a cub scout. We did that kind of thing.

There's a lighter over there too.

Grandpa, don't put your hands so close?

Don't worry, I haven't gotten b*rned yet.

Jacky: "yet" is the operative word.

Greg: oh, he's dousing.

I have our solution. Notebooks.

-That's my notebook for... -Wait, wait. Just...

We need to throw the cardboard on there.

Greg: we have lighter fluid, some logs,

Some notebooks, some matches.

This will do it.

Yeah, but you just threw all the matches in there.

Jack: yes, I did.

What else did we put in there?

That was the key, throwing the matches right in the fire.

I think we put everything in that except the kitchen sink

To get that flame going.

Who wants a marshmallow?

But we did have a fire and we were able to make some s'mores.

That doesn't look tasty, grandpa.

No, it doesn't.

It's going to taste like your burnt homework.

That looks like somebody's had an accident on a cr*cker.

I don't know whether or not I would call

This camping trip a success or a failure.

It's definitely been a crazy day.

Mom, are you okay?no, she's --

I ate your homework.

So are you feeling smarter or sicker?

I'm feeling nauseous.this is our family.

There is no other way to put it.

This trip defines our family.

Things never seem to go as planned.

But we always figure out a way to come together

And just have a good time.

This is how you camp.

-Whoa! -Are you all right?

I'm giving birth again. It's another one.

-Here you go, mom. -Thank you.

Jack: what a great time this is.

We're watching our grandchildren as they've matured and grown

In a way that makes us very proud.

Jacky: jeanette and greg created this wonderful family.

They grew with them and created something

That we were not familiar with in our raising of the children.

That was not from our era.

We did the best we could and I think we did great.

But they've done fabulous.

I don't think of us as a transgendered family.

We are family.

Can we check camping off of our bucket list, please?

-Yeah, please. -Let's make this count.

How about hawaii on the bucket list?

I think over the years we've been focusing so much

On the medical aspect of jazz's physical transformation...

It's a girl.

...and now that that's behind jazz,

She's been able to focus more on who she is

And what it is that makes jazz tick

On a personal level.

And she has shared things

That very few people would ever share with the world

And always in the spirit of trying to help others.

I also experience pain and depression and anxiety

And worry and fear and doubt,

All of those things very deeply as well.

It can just be very crippling at times,

And I've had a really hard time.

Jeanette: but she's struggling.

Her depression and anxiety is getting the better of her.

There's no doubt that she is feeling

The weight of the world on her shoulders,

And I definitely fear for the future.

And now it's time for jazz to go off to harvard.

But we also recognize that maybe she's not ready

To take that next step.

We would hope so, but jazz will have to

Work through her mental health issues.

She's put on a strong face,

But everybody knows that we're human and we have flaws.

And no matter what,

We support jazz, whatever she does.

I don't know. My body just feels very tense right now, so...

That's why I'm giving you a shoulder massage.

Well, I envisioned the whole season being me at my strongest

And I was committed to be the person that I want to be,

And that's why I said, all right,

Now it's time for me to be my best self.

I'm going to get in the best shape of my life.

I'm going to do this, this, and this and then be the leader

That I want to be and help so many people.

In my mind, I built this dream, and I was so ready

To represent trans people

And all people who are different.

But I didn't eliminate the habits and behaviors

That I knew were bringing me down.

Instead, I allowed myself to deteriorate

When I was trying to progress and become a better person.

The reality is, I have a mental health issue,

And I always think I know everything

That I can handle it on my own,

And it's just not the case. It's not true.

And I feel like I have finally learned that now.

I don't know if that was an unrealistic expectation

That I created for myself,

But I think I just got lost in my own delusions of grandeur.

And it's hard for me to share that.

It's hard for me to admit that,

But it's the truth at this point.

I wasn't able to make it

And to be all that I wanted to be.

And I think I've always tried to find validation through others,

And I think I've cared about what other people thought

More than I've always let on.

Jazz: yeah.

Greg: when we embarked upon this journey of sharing jazz's story,

We really had one mission.

We really just felt like letting people into our home,

We would open some hearts and minds.

We wanted to make a difference,

And we were blessed enough to be given an opportunity

To show a family like ours.

And I think we're good people.

We make mistakes.

We're not perfect, but we know what unconditional love is.

If people could just be empathetic towards one another

And other families and their neighbors,

The world would be a better place.

And it's a simple message

That really translates to anybody in any walk of life.

Jazz: my hope is that one day we could just live our lives

Without fear of being judged.

We are just like everyone else. We are people, too.

And you know, everyone deserves to be happy.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheering ]