03x13 - Fire At The Fire Station

[bunniefuu]

[Rock music]

[♪]

[grumbles]

You would make
a great addition

to Pirate World Park, Chief.

Your record is impressive.

- Thank you, Mr. Drake.
- No, Frank.

Thank you, Frederick.

- Just Frank.
- Thank you, Frank.

Terry, we've got a
state-of-the-art fire station,

ample compensation,
competitive benefits

and your family gets in
for free.

[pirate voice]
That's quite a booty.

Good one.

We try to leave
the pirate stuff at the gate.

Sorry, I just thought
because of the eyepatch.

My brother sh*t me
with a BB g*n

when I was 12 years old.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

It's okay.
You didn't know.

Things are pretty calm here.

We haven't had a real fire
since NSYNC

rolled in a few years ago.

It's mostly medical calls.

Ooh.

[dramatic music]

[♪]

Um, Well, Mr. Drake.

- Frank.
- Frank.

I've been with
the Tacoma Fire Department

for so long it's hard
to imagine ever leaving.

I get it.
You drive a very hard...

Terry, you...

Can I... you drive a very
hard bargain, Terry.

So what do you say
to this?

Whoa. [Laughs]

I would say you just
made my decision a lot

[pirate voice]
harder.

Why would you do it again?

Sorry.

Can I keep this?

Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" plays...

[♪]

♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot-blooded

[♪]

Okay. 32nd time's a charm.
Let's do this.

This better work soon.
Three more firehouses

have posted their "Put
Out the Fire" challenge videos.

Let's show these
Rube Goldberg rubes

- how to do it.
- Yeah, Granny!

Start it up.

I have a good
feeling about this.

- Whoa!
- Okay.

There it is.
[laughter]

- Come on.
- Whoo!

- Here we go.
- Go!

Okay, there we go.
Yeah.

- Yes!
- Ohh!

[chatter]

all: Ohh!

- Aww!
- Come on!

f*ckin'
shitidy prickedy sh*t.

- Hey.
- It has to light

for the extinguisher
to put it out.

Why can't we get
a match to light?

- Who's lighting matches?
- Nobody.

It's harder than you'd think.

Hey, what's with the suit,
chief?

- You driving limos on the side?
- Oh, uh, Christening.

- What's all this?
- Stations everywhere are doing

Rube Goldberg videos
on Boi-oi-oing.

Eh, sounds great. Captain,
can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.
[all speaking at once]

Look out. Ahh, ahh.

It's like
a Godzilla accountant.

Yeah.

- Christening, huh? Good one.
- [laughs]

So how'd it go?

They made me an offer.

Chief of the Fire Department
of Pirate World Park.

Ooh!

Did you make the booty joke?

- Eh, didn't go over.
- Arr!

It's a sweet gig.
With my pension capped here

and all the money
they're offering me...

Terry, we don't do this job
for the money.

We can do this job
because our dads made us.

I've been doing this job
for 25 years.

Yeah, but you can't
leave this. We have fun.

They have fun there, too.
It's called an amusement park.

Ooh, good one.

So what'd they say
when you turned 'em down?

I didn't turn them down.

Ahh. [Laughs]

Okay. You took the job.

Seriously, what'd they say
when you turned them down?

I didn't turn 'em down.

[chuckles]

- Are you being serious?
- I'm being serious.

You traitor.
You're leaving?

- I accepted the job.
- You can't leave.

- This is what we do.
- Of course,

you will be replacing me

as the chief of the station.

And I wish you good luck
in your new job.

Here you go.
[Sighs]

Wow. Hmm. That's big.

I'm gonna miss this place.

I don't even know
how I'm gonna extract myself.

I got all this
one-of-a-kind memorabilia,

invaluable photos, a priceless
baseball card collection.

Oh, and don't forget about
your methane-soaked chair.

It's coming with me.

Which reminds me,
I have something for you.

- You're giving me a gift?
- Yeah.

Are you gonna
bequeath me something?

- Yeah.
- Okay, I'm standing.

You could, if you want.

Oh, man. The secret door.

Now, I've been
keeping this from you

because
you're just a lowly captain.

Mm.
Now what could possibly

be in there
that I haven't seen?

- I combed that.
- You'll see.

Some things you just miss.

Ooh, I knew it!

A secret door
inside a secret door.

What do you keep in there?
Chief's Slush Fund?

Hulu password? A g*n?
You have a g*n in there?

The Station 24
Book of Knowledge.

- Hm.
- Every chief since the station

began has added
his wisdom to it.

It's full of all the hacks
and shortcuts you'll ever need.

Like what kind of hacks?

How to make
a pastrami sandwich?

[laughs] You'll see.

- Ah.
- I've got so many years

of history in this place.

Am I really ready to leave?

Are you ready for me to leave?

Oh, you already left

[sighs]

[laughs]

Station 24 Book of Knowledge.

How to sabotage
a policeman's horse.

Step one:
Tie the beast's legs together.

Unbelievable. Hose euphemisms.

"The wet snake."

Oh, my God,
this is fantastic.

How to get the stain
out of a white shirt.

Terry McConky
has never seen this page.

[sighs]

This book is a wealth
of irreplaceable material.

It would be a shame
if something happened to it.

[sighs]
I did it, Dad.

Chief Eddie Penisi Junior.

[sighs] Wow.

It's really happening.

I'm gonna
make you proud, Poppy.

- Ooh, I like your new sign.
- Oh, yeah.

That's for school visits.
Safety first.

Maybe that's why we can't
light a fire in the station.

We're just too good
at our jobs.

- [both laugh]
- You know, this whole place

is like one big fireproof safe.

That's why I keep
my valuables here.

- You have valuables?
- I've been saving

every cash tip from my dancing
over the past four years.

- It's all here, Granny.
- Huh. Where do you keep 'em?

Somewhere safe and hidden
here in the station.

But does the IRS
know about it?

Ahh, the IRS
doesn't tax gross income

and they consider
exotic dancing to be gross.

Loophole.
[laughs]

I think you need to stop
taking tax advice

from your club bouncer.

Wrong and wrong.
[laughs]

Don't tell my mom,
but I actually

keep my great granny
Celeste Penisi's jewelry here.

- Both: Ohh.
- It's the only way

I can keep my sister's grubby
hands off it.

Granny, you keep
any valuables here?

Oh yeah, my puppets.

Man, I love them
like they're my children.

Remember when you almost
m*rder*d that kid Hunter

- for lighting them on fire?
- Ohh.

Damn right.

Nobody messes with my puppets.

I don't know what I would do
if something happened to them.

I keep valuables here, too.

The novel I finally finished,
and I wrote it by hand.

Should probably scan
into a computer.

- Oh, yeah.
- And my Grandpa Myawani's

ashes,
I keep them here in a jar.

- Why here?
- He had a terrible fear

- of fire.
- He was afraid of fire

- and you had him cremated?
- No, he fell

into an incinerator.

Cremation was just
one of the consequences.

Damn, that's awful.

I think his soul feels
safer here

knowing he'll never burn again.

Yeah. Okay.

- Mousetrap is ready.
- Yeah!

- Whoo!
- All right. Here we go.

- [alarm blaring]
- Engine 24, Rescue 42

respond to the box.

Priority one
with ladder three.

Engine 19, squad five...

- Call my dad?
- Yeah.

I thought
he'd matched the offer.

He said good luck,
and don't get scurvy.

That sounds like him.
So it's really happening, huh?

This could be
our last call together.

- Hope it's a good one.
- Me too.

With my luck, it'll probably be
a false alarm.

[siren wailing]

[♪]

[♪]

Surprise, surprise.
False alarm.

Some hammerhead thought
it would be a good idea

to use the sprinkler
as a coat hanger.

It was a clothes call.

- [laughter]
- Good one.

Warrington Avenue command
to dispatch,

we've got a false alarm.

Accidental sprinkler
activation.

Return all incoming companies.
I told you false alarm.

I have to save my yoga pants!

Oh, miss...

I'll never understand
these idiots

who run into a fire
to save their possessions.

Yeah. And then we have to run
into fire to save those idiots.

Who dry cleans
their yoga pants?

Yeah.

Dispatch to
Warrington Avenue,

command are you available
to respond on a box?

Command on dispatch

we're picking up here should
be available momentarily.

Reported structure fire
at 4791 Baker Street.

Dispatch, 4791 Baker Street
is our station address.

What's the address of the fire?

- Dispatch is so stupid
- That is the address.

- Confirming.
- Okay, dispatch

our station's on fire.
[laughs]

Confirmed. Fire at 4791
Baker Street

- respond immediately.
- Let's go, let's go!

Let's go!

[dramatic music]

[siren wailing]

[♪]

Car one on the scene.
Heavy smoke showing.

We've got a two-story
commercial structure fire.

Car one in command. Need
a supply line to Engine 24.

Come on, come on.
Let's go, everybody.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- What the hell, Chief.
- Ike, shut down

all the utilities,
don't forget the gas line.

Everyone else get inside.

[♪]

Andy, Lucy push
into the break room.

[♪]

Ready, let's do this.
Hit it.

We'll never hear
the end of this.

Break room clear.

Should we save the fart jars?

No, never save your
personal possessions.

- Ugh, fine.
- Come on.

- Ike, what are you doing?
- Saving some

of my personal possessions.

- The gas is off, it's okay.
- Leave that.

It's not even memory foam.

It's stuffed
with 20,000 singles.

That's over $20,000.
I'm taking it.

Okay, let's go.

Locker room clear.

Lucy, you're grabbing
your personal items too?

I'm just removing any
potential accelerants

- from the premises.
- Let's go.

Besides, my mom would k*ll me
if I left her mom's stuff now.

Are you kidding me?

You're not gonna see anything
like this at Pirate World.

Yeah. That's the point.

The fire is flaring up.

Ike, get another line
in here.

Yes, sir.

Granny, please keep
an eye on this for me.

I'll buy you something nice
at Dollar Mart.

Will you do me a favor?
I gotta man the pumps

so when you head back in there
will you get my puppets?

- They're in my locker.
- Let's go, Ike!

- Will do!
- Hey, Granny.

- Will you watch this for me?
- Yeah.

Hey, Ike. Please save them.

- They're my babies.
- You got it, brother.

Charge this thing up!
Let's go!

[♪]

Bring it over here.
We got this.

- Go get the Book of Knowledge.
- You sure?

We can handle this.
Ike, go help Andy.

- I'm on it, Chief!
- Lucy, take the line.

Hit it up there.

There you are.

But what about you?

Andy, you in here?

Oh, hello.
I forgot about you.

Okay. Here we go, baby.

[grunting]

Ooh, whoa, ohh!

Easy. Ooh!

Ahh! Uh!

[straining]

Ah, come on, Ikey.

[straining]

[coughing]

[laughs] Terry McConky,
you are gonna owe me big time.

[laughs]

[cracking]

Oh, come on, stupid chair!
Now you break?

Okay, Dad, I hope
you're happy about this.

Book, I'll be back
for you later.

Damn it.

Hey, what are you doing?
I told you to get the book.

I dropped it. I'll go get it.

- Go get the book.
- Okay. I will.

Come on!

[♪]

Granny, watch this.

Ah, Cap, I'm stuck
on the pump man.

When you go back inside,
will you get my puppets?

- They're in the locker.
- You got it.

Hurry!

Terry, I'm back.

Eddie, get on the line.

- What about the book?
- Don't worry about it.

I need you on the hose!
Let's go!

[♪]

Yes, my novel!
[laughs]

Ah! Wah! Come on.

Oh, why did it have...

Andy, we need you out here
now!

That's an order!

Andy, where are you?

[gasps] The urn!

Grandpa!

Hey, I'm here Chief!

Whoa, whoa.
You went back for that?

It's already burnt!
Come on, get on the line.

I'll be right back.
[grunts]

No!

[♪]

[laughs] Yes!

Come on!
Right now! Move it!

[♪]

Ike! Come on, Ike!
Let's get you out of here.

[coughing]

No, it's okay. Leave me.

This is how
I always wanted to go.

No, let's lift.
Come on we'll do it together.

Three, two, one.
[both straining]

[popping]
Ohh!

Oh, my God! Ohh!

My lady nuts.

Over there!

Chief, I got Lucy!

Lucy? What happened to Lucy?

- Granny, help me out.
- [Lucy groaning]

You, okay?

The family jewels.

Oh, no, It's okay.
They're safe right here.

No! My lady jewels.

- Lady jewels?
- Ha!

Looks like someone
popped the lady nut.

[laughter]

Runs in the family.

- Oh, man.
- Hey, anybody find my puppets?

Uhh, no.

When I blew out
my birthday candles this year,

- I wished for this.
- All right,

show's over, Polonsky.

Go break up
a high school keg party.

[laughs] Firefighters burning
down their own station.

It's like a tow truck
getting towed or a hairdresser

giving herself a bad haircut

- or a prost*tute paying for sex.
- All right.

Listen to me
you red-headed son of a bitch.

Did you...
are you pointing at me?

There was some damage,
but the building was saved.

Do you know how
the fire started?

The cause of the fire's
still under investigation.

And that's exactly
why I'm here.

[dramatic music]

What the hell?
Wolf is the new fire inspector?

That's right, Penisi. Huh?

- Read it and weep.
- I didn't hear about this.

Eh, maybe you were
too busy interviewing

over at Pirate World.

I hear you took
that fire chief position.

What?
What is he talking about, Dad?

- I was gonna tell you.
- Chief you're leaving?

For Pirate World?

He's gonna be a pirate?

Arg!
This is the greatest thing

I've ever heard,
Pirate World.

I'm gonna get some popcorn.

Don't say anything
until I get back.

All right, Wolf.
Let's get on with it.

This is my shift and I accept
full responsibility.

Don't get noble
with me, Penisi.

I am gonna get on with it, and
this time I'm taking you down.

For good.

[♪]

[♪]

Do you even know
what you're doing?

An inspector can tell how hot
the fire b*rned

by the grit of the ash.

The hottest fires
turn everything to dust.

Mmm, mm-hmm.

- That's a spicy fire.
- That's great, Wolf.

You could
just ask us what happened.

But I don't have to. Because
if you know how to listen,

the fire will tell you exactly
how and where it started.

[sniffing]

Did you hear that?

[wailing]
Penisi.

- Okay.
- Penisi.

Captain Penisi.

There's our new
fire inspector.

Oh, boy. What do you think?

The Rube Goldberg thing.

Looks like the exhaust hose
uncoupled and triggered it.

The extinguisher
did not extinguish.

We are never gonna
live this down.

[♪]

[exhales]

Well, listen, thanks
for saving my life back there.

And for busting a lady nut
while doing it.

You threw up a hell
of a lot of weight in there.

And I'm proud of you.

I'm dealing with my loss.

Granny, I'm sorry I couldn't
get your puppets, man.

- I tried, it was...
- No harm, no foul.

And thank God the locker room
didn't burn down, right?

They're a little smoky,
but they're fine.

sh*t, man, I don't know
what I would do

if something happened to them.
[laughs]

- [phone chiming]
- Man, word's getting out.

Ah, this is embarrassing.

Even my mom's making fun of me.

Maybe the jokes will all die
down soon, right?

And everybody will just
forget about this, you know?

Ken Walthers, signing off
from the now

decimated Station 24,

ironically b*rned down
by its own firefighters.

They're gonna be talking
about this one for years.

I wouldn't be surprised if this
story gets a national bump.

Hey, you guys should know

better than
to grab your personal stuff.

I see you grabbed your chair.

I didn't grab that,
Eddie did.

Oh, yeah. I thought
I'd do something nice.

I don't know what came over me.
It's quite out of character.

Hey, can we circle back on
the whole Pirate World thing?

You were gonna retire
and not tell us?

It kinda came up suddenly.

Yeah, well, you still should
have told me.

[vehicle approaching]

[♪]

Gampy's here.

Jesus Christ!

Are you f*ckin' kidding me?

What did you do to my station?

I've been with this department


and never has the station been
burnt down

by its own crew!

- Sir.
- Stuff it, Terry!

Oh, I should've
expected this.

Already one foot in
your pirate ship.

Anchors away!

Right, skipper?

- Dad.
- Don't "Dad" me.

Do you know
what kind of an idiot

this makes me look like?

I'm a laughing stock!

Look at what you've done!

Do you have any idea what
it's gonna take to fix this?

[♪]

Whatever was in here... b*rned.

- Look at this.
- Ah!

Oh.

- All b*rned.
- Ahh!

Oh, my God.
Hey, what are you doing?

- Oh!
- Hey, hey, man.

- Hey, man.
- Grandpa. Grandpa!

- Oh, Grandpa!
- Let it go, son.

No, no, no!

- It's b*rned.
- [crying] Grandpa.

- Come on, man.
- He was a good guy.

[crying]

Commissioner,
glad you're here.

Luckily, I was able
to salvage this book.

It looks pretty important.

The Station 24
Book of Knowledge.

You were gonna let this burn?

No, no, no. He gave it to me.

It was my responsibility.

You know how valuable
this book is?

I made a choice.

I saved our portrait instead.

You saved that over this?

Why?

- Good job, Boykins.
- Thank you, Commissioner.

I'm also glad you're here
because I'd like to relay

the initial findings
of my investigation.

You see, the fire started
on the second floor,

somewhere in the neighborhood
of the captain's quarters.

Okay.
That's ridiculous, Wolf.

- Is it?
- Any assh*le can tell you

that the fire started here
in the aft floor.

Commissioner, I can tell you
one thing for sure.

This blaze began
on Captain Penisi shift.

How'd you figure that out?
You read the schedule?

You're just lucky
there's no structural damage.

But you'll be glad to know
I checked the gas lines.

They are intact
and functioning.

Commissioner,
the fire started here.

It was not the captain's fault,

and Boykins doesn't know
what he's talking about.

Spoken like a true pirate.

But you're wrong, matey,
and I'll prove it!

[♪]

If I've learned just
one thing in my short

but eventful
tenures as inspector,

it's that fire,
she don't lie.

Don't do that "Backdraft"
garbage here, Boykins.

- Wolf.
- All you gotta do

is let her light the way.

- Whoa.
- Watch out.

That chair is full of methane.

Bullshit, Penisi.

You have to fart in that chair


every day for 20 years straight
to get enough methane...

[♪]

My puppets! No!

Wolf, when you checked that
gas line, did you shut it off?

I... I don't know.

Oh, sh*t.

Everybody, out! Let's go!

[all shouting]

[expl*si*n booms]

[♪]

Wolf, what the hell
did you do?

If you didn't light
your station on fire

none of this
would have happened.

What are we gonna do?

It's gone.

There is no we anymore.

We're all gonna go to
different stations, it's over.

Oh, no, no, maybe not.

We could rebuild it, Andy.

Yeah, we can rebuild it.
We can all chip in.

Guys, I can chip in for sure.

[laughs]
A mattress full of money.

Oh, baby! Ha ha!

I got... holy sh*t.

No, no!

No, guys,
I grabbed the wrong mattress!

No!

At least you don't have
to pay taxes on it.

Shut up, Andy. Shut up.

Y'all saved y'all stuff.

My puppets are gone,
and they'll never come back.

And neither will I.

f*ck all y'all, man.

Here you go, Terry. A little
memento for your new job.

- Commissioner...
- You're a lame duck.

But somebody's gonna take
the fall for this.

Captain, you're fired.

- Ah... no, no Dad.
- Save it!

I really think
you're doing...

One word out of you, Boykins,

I fire your ass, too.

Huh!

[dramatic music]

[♪]

Goodbye, Station 24.