04x04 - Who Gives A-Shift?

[bunniefuu]

All: [chanting]
down with p*rn!

Down with p*rn!
Down with p*rn!

Down with p*rn!
- Keep our kids safe!

p*rn is bad! We hate p*rn!

All: Down with p*rn!
- p*rn is bad!

- It's a real shame.

Being exposed to smut as a child

Is what made me
the man I am today.

- Why are we even here?

- We're required to be on hand

For any protests
that involve burning.

All: Down with p*rn!

- Hey, you know there's p*rn

On your phones and
laptops, too, right?

[chanting stops]

- Burn the p*rn!
All: Down with p*rn!

- We hate p*rn!
- Down with p*rn!

- Unreal. There's
always that one dumb guy

In every group, huh?

- p*rn is bad! All:
Down with p*rn!

- Why won't this light?

It's satan!

- Look at 'em, amateurs.

They didn't even
bring lighter fluid.

- Yeah, well, in their
defense, they're probably used

To burning schoolbooks,
which go up a lot easier.

- I bet an m-80 will
get this party started!

- What is he doing?
All: Down with p*rn!

- Hey, you're not
permitted for expl*sives!

- Sir, sir, sir!
- Hey, hey!

All: Oh!

[rock music]

[children shouting]

♪ ♪

- Yes, tits!
- Yeah!

- All right, d*ck!
- Yeah!

- Well, if that's
not a sign from god,

I don't know what is.

- Amen.
- Amen.

♪ ♪

- f*ck me.
[all gasp]

- What?

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Then he's like, "I'm so broke,

I can't even pay
attention." [laughter]

Yes, I knew that joke, man.

- Hey, mr. Shabby
shoes, what's going on

With the sole of those boots?

- Oh, the bottom's coming loose,

But I got some
glue in my locker.

- Station doesn't
pay for new boots?

- We're supposed to
get a boot allowance,

But chief can be a bit stingy.

[grunts goofily] money.

- What happens to granny
if he loses his sole?

Does he start
listening to kenny g?

- What the f*ck did
you just say to me?

- It was just a joke. I...

- Cap, permission
to kick his ass.

- Okay, kick his ass.
- Cap, no.

[rock music]

- You know, I actually
really liked your joke,

But I couldn't pass up the
opportunity to take your boots.

[chuckles]

But they don't fit because
you're a tiny-boot bitch.

[laughter]
- come on.

- I'm messing with you, man.

- He loves you,
mickleberry. He does.

- Morning!
- Hey, chiefy!

- Chief!
- Hey, listen...

Weather forecast is calling
for a hell of a storm.

Could be severe
flooding, so I decided

To hold the d shift over
for double the personnel.

- Ah, double crews... That
doesn't happen every day.

It's gonna get cozy.
- Do we like the d shift?

- What's not to like? They're
exactly like you guys.

[laughs] have fun.
- Always do.

- Yeah.
- Do they look like us?

- Nah, it's like a
second-generation copy kind of.

- Yeah, like a poor
man's version...

Not rock star material like us.
- Yeah.

- That's why we're
the a shift, right?

- I thought the
letters were random.

- Technically, yes.

But it's widely understood that
we're the chief's top crew,

So count yourself lucky.

- Let's put it this way...

If there was a tv
show about station 24,

We'd be the shift
they'd focus on.

- [snaps fingers]
- bing.

- Dibs on sexy
dumb comic relief.

- Ah, man! All
right, token woman.

- Ambiguous african.

- Italian guy with sweet hair.

Come on, let's work.
- Right.

- Wait, guys, what would I be?

[indistinct chatter]

[chatter stops]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Hey! All: Hey!

- Aw, man, teddy dickosi.

That coif is looking
pretty slick.

What's your secret?
- Confidentially, margarine.

- [laughs] I knew it.

I can't believe it's not butter!

- I believe it.

[both laugh]

- Mm-hmm. Mm.

- Cousin terry!
Ha ha! What's up?

- Cousin lucy.

Finally, we're on
the same shift.

You know, it's too bad
it wasn't last week.

You could've joined me
and your dad for lunch.

We go out for mexican food
first Tuesday of every month.

- Really?

- We call it the
two-terry taco Tuesday.

[laughs]

What kind of special lunches
do you do with your dad?

- Oh, man, um...

He let me finish his
meatball sub the other day.

- Oh, yeah, that sounds fun.

- It was a huge sub.

It was a submarine sandwich.
- Yeah.

It's like a taco,
but with bread.

- Probie, this is the d
shift's medic, mcintosh jones.

- What up, granny smith?

- What up?
[both laugh]

- Hey, call me gram gram.

- Both apple names,
both grandma names?

- Welcome to the metaverse!

[both laughing]

♪ ♪

- What's the matter, ike?

Cia got you pushing
too many pencils?

- [laughs]

I wasn't really trying.

- Ah, sure you weren't,
sure you weren't.

- I did arms this morning.
That's why I'm just, like...

- Ah, yes, excuses, excuses.

- You're looking good, brother.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Ah, man, what are you
benching these days about?

- 300 pounds, but
if that's too heavy,

You switch it to metric.


much easier to lift.

- Ahh.
- Obviously.

- Of course it is, obviously.

It's a lesser number.

Oh, man, why didn't
I think of that?

♪ ♪

- You must be the
d-shift probie.

I'm andres mickleberry,
the a-shift probie.

- Oh, hey, I'm
andrea snorkleberry.

- For real? Mickleberry,
snorkleberry?

- Yeah, dude!
- When did you start?

- Four weeks ago.
What about you?

- Three weeks.
- Perfect.

Oh, my god. I have
one week of seniority.

Could you be a good kid and
finish cleaning the sink?

Thank you so much.

You got this.

♪ ♪

- Colosplash.

- Hey, chiefy.
- Yeah.

- Listen, I'm guessing
there's gonna be

A bit of a pissing match tonight

When it comes time
to pick bunks.

- Why don't you share
your bunk with your twin?

- I will, and he'll love
it, and I'll love it,

But I'm guessing the others
might have a problem with it.

- Ah, you'll figure it out.
Hey, you ever poop in a box?

- Not since April fools' day.
- Good one.

Yeah, you know, my doctor
told me that in lieu

Of my annual
colonoscopy, I could use

This colosplash at-home
colon-cancer-screening kit.

- What, they expect you
to crap in that box,

And then what do you do with it?

- You mail it to them. Look
at this. It's tupperware.

- What?
- Yeah.

Specimen bag, "biohazard."

[chuckles] good for me.

- Get out. What kind of
a world do we live in

Where a grown man has
to drop a crud in a box

Like a common housecat
and then mail it?

- I guess it beats
a colonoscopy.

- Nah, nah, nothing
beats a colonoscopy.

They give you sweet
dr*gs, you pass out,

The camera might even poke
you in the tingle button,

And when you wake up,
they give you a cookie.

- I was not told of a cookie.

- They give you any
cookie you want.

- Snickerdoodle?
- Yeah.

- Chocolate chip?
- Yeah.

- Oatmeal?
- Yeah.

- Huh.
- Hey, chief.

- Hey.
- About the bunks tonight...

- Share with eddie.
- You're gonna love it.

- Huh, yeah, I will.
Not as much as you.

- [laughs]
- you like to spoon?

- I like to spork.
[laughter]

- "do not fill the collection
bucket above the fill line."

Uh-oh. [chuckles] I
guess that counts me out.

- Oh, chief, you're
doing the colosplash kit?

- Yeah.
- Oh, smooth move, I did it.

Yeah, by the way,
I made brownies.

They're on the stove.

Those two statements
were not connected.

[laughter]

- Teddy, you're my guy!

- Wait, wait, wait, because
he pooped in a box, too,

Suddenly he's your guy?

- No, he's my guy 'cause
he made me brownies.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
teddy... oops, I mean, eddie...

Time to make the doughnuts.
- Ugh.

- Colosplash!

[thunder rumbles]

- Terry's nephew is
also named terry?

- Dad bullied my aunt jasmine
into naming her son terry,

So he'd have a male namesake.

- Wow, sounds like something
in his life is missing, huh?

- Hey, look at
this. See the green?

That's just the
light stuff, right?

Here comes the big
stuff. Here it is.

Given the trajectory of it,

I'd say it's gonna hit
tacoma about 3:00 p.M.

- You know, you should be
a weatherman, uncle terry.

I mean, chief.

- Hey, let's forget about
the formality, terry.

Call me uncle terry.
- [laughs] okay.

- Check out this,
check out this.

I got a little bit here, right?

[goofy voice] so
the polar vortex

Combined with a
low-pressure system

Is gonna create a mega
precipitation event

In the lower regions of tacoma.

- I love this
weatherman bit, uncle!

[both laugh]

- [normal voice] that's
good. That's good, all right.

[goofy voice] now
let me throw it

Over to champ trophy at sports.

- [goofy voice] well, champ
trophy here, dusty winds!

- [normal voice] dusty
winds, I love it!

- My, oh, my, the
mariners had a big night!

- [goofy voice] the
mariners really rained

On the angels'
parade last night.

- Well, it was a good
thing it was raining

'cause the mariners'
bats were on fire!

They were as hot as
some of the buildings

We have to go into sometimes!

[both laugh]
- [normal voice] yeah.

We probably shouldn't
joke about that, though.

- [laughter]

- You okay?

You look like
you've seen a ghost.

- Oh, my god, my
dad's doing a bit.

- What?

He doesn't do bits.
- I know!

- Although come to think of
it, he was getting very chummy

With teddy dickosi
a bit earlier.

- He was?
- Super chummy.

- Maybe d shift is
his favorite crew.

- Shut up! What
is wrong with you?

- That's stupid. Toilet duty.

- Guys.

[whispering] you got
to see this. Come here.

[mouths words]
- [sighs]

[laughter]

[upbeat music playing]

[cheering]

♪ ♪

- Yeah, right? Right, come on.

Hey.
- [whispering] what?

Terry didn't even dance
at his own wedding.

In fact, he specifically
asked for no music.

- And playing the maracas?

I've never seen him play
the maracas in my life.

- Hey, guys, you know what?

Since yesterday's incident
reports were so well written...

No typos, no passive verbs...

I'm gonna give each of
you an extra 100 bucks

For you boot allowance!

Enjoy! [all cheering]

- He's upping their
boot allowance.

And I got the busted boot!

- ♪ da, da, da, da, da, oh ♪

♪ da, da, da, da, da, hey ♪

- Oh, my god, the d shift
is his favorite crew.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

- Huh, okay, colosplash, time
to get to know each other.

[chuckles] oh, another
thing in a thing, okay.

Oh, there's another
thing in there.

And yet another container.

It's like a russian
doll for dumps.

[pounding on door]

Oh, come on.

[pounding on door]
ocupado, bro!

- Terry, who's your
favorite shift?

- Why are you bothering
me with this now?

How do you know I'm not in the
middle of a bowel movement?

- 'cause when you're in the
middle of a bowel movement,

The walls tremble
all over the station.

- [scoffs] ah, gross.
[pounding on door]

- Hey, dad?

Who do you like better,
a shift or d shift?

- Are you kidding
me? You're here, too?

- Which shift do
you like better?

Dad!
- That's a ridiculous question.

I like all the shifts equally.

[pounding on door]
- terry!

Eddie, again, if you
had to save one shift

From a burning building,
which shift would it be?

- I wouldn't have to save any
of you from a burning building.

You're all firefighters.
- [grunts]

[pounding on door]
- but hypothetically speaking?

- Both of you know I don't
engage in hypotheticals!

- Okay, but if you had to
engage in hypotheticals

With just one shift,
which shift would it be?

- Uh...

- Terry, we know
you're in there.

- Would you two leave
me the hell alone

And give me some privacy?
- Fine.

- That was not the
validation I was looking for.

- No, it sucked.

We need to make sure
that chief sees us

As the superior shift.

- Yes.
- Let's go.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Come on, get your game on.

- Eddie, what do you want?

I'm trying to dry
off my colosplash.

- Well, chief, I just wanted
to show you what a cr*ck team

You have here in the a shift.

- Chief, do you see
how much cleaner

Our side of the truck is?

[chuckles] man, you
could eat off this baby.

- Why would I eat off a truck?

- Huh? No, no, you wouldn't.

I mean, no, but,
hypothetically...

- What's with everyone
and the hypotheticals?

- Chief doesn't engage
in hypotheticals, ike.

Even I knew that, you dimwit.

- Thank you, dex.
- Yeah. [stammers]

That's what I said, dimwit.

- You're the dimwit.
- You're a dimwit.

- You're the dimwit.
- You're a dimwit.

- Yeah.
- What'd you say?

- Nothing. I...
- Huh?

- [snapping fingers]

- [grunting]

- Hey, check out these
sandbags, huh, chiefy?

We are gonna kick the
rain's ass today, huh?

- Funny, you guys make sandbags
at the exact same pace.

- Well, I don't know about that.

- Keep it up.

I'm gonna go make a splash.

[chuckles] oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Hey.

Why you guys trying to show
us up in front of the chief?

- Ha! Show you up...
That's a good one.

Why would a shift care what
chief thinks about d shift?

- Because we're
his favorite shift.

- That's ridiculous.

We're the a shift.
- A.

- The letters don't
mean anything, guy.

They just exist to identify
the different shifts

On the rotation schedule.

But I guess only a first-rate
captain would know that.

- Oh, yeah?

You don't cobra me,
dickosi. I cobra you.

- Well, maybe I could
convince uncle terry

To rethink this
whole letter system

To more accurately reflect
that we're his favorite shift.

After all, I'm like
the son he never had.

- Not after I rip
your f*cking d*ck off.

[all ohing]

- Get back!
- It's okay, it's okay.

- All right, let's just settle
down with the d*ck ripping.

Listen, sorry to
break it to you,

But my crew... we just got
that something special.

In fact, if they were to
make a show about station 24,

We'd be the stars.

- Maybe on basic cable.
- On a network nobody watches.

- Guys, this is ridiculous.

We're supposed to
be professional.

You don't see me
and snorkleberry

At each other's throats.

- Who the hell is snorkleberry?

- That's snorkleberry.

- My name is not

Andrea snorkleberry,
you dingbat.

I was just making fun
of your stupid name.

My name is isabella corazon.

- Good one, corzy.
- Sick burn, probie!

- That's a beautiful name.

And you all suck!
- You suck!

- You suck!
- You suck!

- You suck.
- You suck.

- You're gonna rip my d*ck off?
[all shouting]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's going on in here?

Last time I was here, you
were nicely making sandbags.

- Chief, uh, is that
box currently filled?

- Yeah, finally.
- Man, that was really fast.

- I had to hustle back in
here 'cause of you and you

And you all squabbling about
who's my favorite shift.

Both: Which is?

- I don't have a favorite shift.

They're all the same. A,
b, c, d, it's meaningless.

- Well, if it
wasn't meaningless,

Which shift would
you choose to be a?

- Okay, that's it.

No more a, b, c, d.

I'm putting an end
to the stupid system.

From now on, it's red
shift, green shift,

Blue shift, gold shift.

That'll put an end to
your childish bickering.

♪ ♪

[groaning]

Oh, stupid box.

- We're gold shift.
- No, we're gold shift.

- We're the gold shift. I
call dibs on the gold shift.

- Okay, okay, okay, hold on!
Hold on, hold on a second.

As the captain of
today's shift...

- It's still our shift.

- I propose a
head-to-head competition

To determine who is the
top shift of this station.

- You're going down.

- May the best shift win.

- Mm.
- Come on.

- I'm right here.
- Come on.

- I'm gonna be over here.
- You're a douchebag.

- All right, yeah.
- It's on.

- Disappear.
- It's on, man.

- I'm watching you.
- All right.

- Whoa, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'm all right.
I'm all right.

- Hey, let's get back to work.
- Get back.

[all grunting]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- What's going on? We've been
going at this for 20 minutes,

And nobody's moved an inch.

- Maybe both shifts
are equal in every way.

- Psst, hey, guys, we should
try the "squid game" strategy,

Where the whole team
moves forward three steps

And the other team falls.

- Spoiler alert... I'm
only on episode three.

- Oh, is that the
one with the cookies?

- Oh, come on!

- And they took
three steps forward

And caused the entire
other team to fall down.

- Hey, spoiler alert... I
haven't seen season one.

- It's really, really
good, a must-watch.

- Okay, let's do this.

Ready? One, two, three.

[all yelling]

- Did you guys "squid game" us?

- Yeah.
- Has everybody seen it?

- Fine, if a test of
brawn won't settle this,

Then let's pivot to
a test of brains.

- Damn it.
- Damn.

- If you're so
close to the chief,

Let's see who knows him best.

[upbeat music]

- Guys, come on, it's
my lunch break here.

I just stopped by to
drop off terry's statins.

I'm not doing this.
- Pretty please, aunt vicky.

- Please, come on.
- Come on.

- You're the best judge
for this, mom, please.

- Okay.
- Yes!

[cheering]

- Yes, vicky.
- Come on, granny.

- All right, all right,
let's get this split up here.

- Let's go, granny.
- Come on, granny.

Come on, granny.

- Okay, who is terry
mcconky's sex-ception?

Both: Lucy lawless
xena, warrior princess!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- He tells you these things?

- Go get 'em, ike.
Go get 'em, ike.

- Oh, yeah, it's me.
- Next, here we go.

- Come on.
- Oh, yeah, here we go.

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

- How old is terry in dog years?

- Dogs age faster that humans.
- If we know that terry...

- But the average dog runs...
- Hates dogs, we can assume...

- Twice as fast as the...
- It's because dogs live...

- Average human...
- Longer than terry...

- At least in my experience...
- Although, not as long...

- Okay, okay. I just
have an hour for lunch,

So could we just
call this a push?

Both: Seven.
- Wow, that is correct.

Ish? Both: Yes!

- Take that!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Really shocking.
- That was awesome.

- Here we go.
- Come on, cap.

- All right, here we go.
- Here we go, cap.

- What is number one
on terry's bucket list?

Both: Front-row seat,
criss angel's "mindfreak."

- Sadly, I know that to be true,

And that is a tie, okay?

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

- All right, all right.
- That's our captain!

- This is the last
question that I am reading.

- What is terry's
favorite naptime snack?

- Tea and pretzels.

- We won! We won!
- But what kind exactly?

- What?

- Country bumpkin
brand sweet tea

And flugelsohn brother
pretzel rods, extra-salted!

But I guess you
would have known that

If you were the
son he never had.

All: Oh! Both:
He said it first.

- She got more specific.
She got more specific.

- Whoa, hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

Sorry to break up
the fun here, guys,

But the storm moved
up the coast...

Danger averted.

D shift, you can go home.

- But, chief, we're just
about to win the gold.

All: Yeah.
- What do you mean?

Dickosi, you guys
are dismissed, go.

Go, go, go.
- [sighs]

- No, cap, we
worked for the gold.

- I said...
- Hey.

What are you doing
with these clowns?

- Can I just give
you your statins

And go back to work, please?

- What's "the in-terry-gation"?
- Uh-uh.

- What is this? What
are you guys doing?

- [sighs]
- where you going?

- Captain, captain. You
were never gonna win.

None of us were. We're
too evenly matched.

There's no gold shift
designation for either squad.

The only gold is the shining
glow we feel in our hearts,

That 24-karat pride we
feel as firefighters

Doing the best we can
do for our community

And our chief.

- Amen, brother.
[chuckles] amen.

- You know, I couldn't have
said it better myself, penisi.

Although I could have
said it equally as well.

[laughter]

- Son of a bitch.

- Cobra.
- Oh!

[laughter]
- oh, he got you.

- Okay, all right, all right.
- Truce?

- You work it out with dickosi?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we talked about it,

And we came to the
agreement that the a team

Will now be known
as the gold shift

And, also, you like us the best.

- Good man, but you know

Who I actually like
best in this room?

My one and only best
gal. There she is.

- Aw, thank you.
- Mwah.

And, honey, while I got you...
- Yes. Mm-hmm?

- Could you take this
to the post office

On your way back to work?
- Hell, no.

I'm not walking into the
post office carrying that.

- It's sh*t.
- Although, you know,

I know someone who
would carry it for you.

- Hmm?
- Lucy lawless.

I bet she'd carry your poop.

- Hmm. Hmm.
- [gasps]

- Bye, honey.

Who told her about lucy lawless?

- Granny told her.
- Gram gram, you mean.

- It was gram gram.
Gram gram told her.

- All right, well,
you know what?

Congratulations, mickleberry.
You get the honors.

- Oh!

Holy crap, that's
surprisingly heavy.

- Taco Tuesday!
[chuckles]

All right, back to
work, gold shift.

- All right, that's
right, gold shift.

Sounds good. Let's go to work.

- Ah, I need to take my statins.

[upbeat rock music]

- Chief, I know we
worked it all out,

But I got to say,
there's still some things

We saw you do with the d shift
that you never do with us.

- Yeah, like the
bits, the dancing,

The boot allowance.
- What are you talking about?

I do that stuff
with all you guys.

- That is not true.
- Yes, it is true.

Ike, remember last
week, you and I did

The used-car salesman bit?

- Oh, yeah. No, we
did do that bit.

That's right.

What's it gonna take to get you
to drive away in this today?

- You'd look pretty good
in a toyota corolla, sir.

- You don't like the
color? We can paint it.

- This car ain't
gonna drive itself.

- With the thing in the front.

- And you, you and
I danced the salsa.

- First of all, it's sal-sa.

- That's what I said, salsa.
- It's sal-sa.

- Also, last month, I told you,

Your crew could increase
their boot allowance.

Both: What?
- Oh, yeah, you're right.

You did. I forgot
to tell you guys.

Ha ha! This whole thing
could have been avoided.

What are you gonna do?

- You guys are just
like my real daughters.

Each one thinks I treat
the other one better.

That's the way kids are.
- She is your real daughter.

- You're not!
- You are softer on my sisters.

- See, this is what I'm
talking about... look at this.

- Hey, mickleberry.
- Mickleberry!

I told you to mail
that days ago.

- I did, sir.

It says "return to sender...
Insufficient postage."

It must have been too heavy.
- [laughs]

- Mama always said I
could fill up the diaper.

- [gags]
- hey, screw it.

I'm gonna go in
for a colonoscopy.

- You should.

- What do you want me
to do with this, sir?

- Ugh.
- You know what?

We should stash it in the
wall like a time capsule

And wait for a future
crew to find it.

- [laughs] we should
leave it for the d shift.

- Oh, I know what to do.

- Oh, oh, now we're talking.
- What are you up to?

- What are you doing?

- Uh-oh.
- What?

- You're gonna put it in
their fridge, aren't you?

- Reverse psychology.
[laughter]

- They'll definitely eat it.

I've fallen for that
one. [laughter continues]

We've had a lot
of fun here today.

But colorectal
health is no joke.

Right, guys?

- Wait.
- What?

- What are we doing?

- Exactly... We all
should be asking,

"what are we doing to
prevent colon cancer?"

Screening is an easy way to
avoid serious health risks.

- If you're age 50 or
over, ask your doctor

About which test
is best for you.

And who knows?

Maybe your doctor will even
poke your tingle button.

- So go get screened.

An ounce of prevention
is worth a pound of cure.

- Okay, what is...

- Oh.
- What is happening?

I feel like I'm having a stroke.