04x07 - Big Trouble in Little Belgium

[bunniefuu]

[laughter]

- It was a good battle.

- Aye, it was.
- Aye.

- Mmm, this stew is great.

I love it.
- Aye.

It warms your belly.
- Aye.

Hagrid, close your legs.

I can see up your kilt.

- Hey!
- [laughs]

- Can you see the bag
or the pipe?

- Both!

[laughter]

Oi, what are you doing?

- I'm trying to make
a musical instrument

From a sheep's bladder
and a bone.

- You're out of your mind.

- Listen.
- Aye.

[low note plays]

- [gasps]

It's fookin' beautiful.

And it captures
our heritage perfectly.

- Aye.

We can play outlaw tunes on it.

- We need to come up
with a name for it.

- How about... Bagpipe?

[laughter]

- Oh!

- Do you think I'll be famous?

- Fook no.

Bagpipe.
[laughs]

It's stupid.
It'll never catch on, ever.

- Don't make me come over there
and blow your bag.

- My bag won't make that sound
when you blow on it.

[laughter]

[low note plays]

[bagpipe music playing]

♪ ♪

- [gasps]
whoo! Ha ha ha.

This is really coming along.

I think I'm a natural.

Yeah.

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Did you guys know
it's actually illegal

To take sand from the beach?

[laughter]

- Yeah, right.
- No, it's true.

In some cases, it's punishable
with jail time

Or up to a $100,000 fine.

- That is definitely not true.

- Why would I make
something like that up?

- 'cause you always
make up stuff

Based on bits of things
that you hear.

- Like when?

Name one time
I've done that, granny.

- You told us that polar bears

And grizzly bears have sex

And give birth to pizzly bears.

- [laughs]
- oh, my god. Google it.

- I don't have to,
because it's not true.

- Well, then maybe you
should just believe me

Because I'm your friend.

- That's not how
friendship works.

- Too old-fashioned for you,

Just believing in a friend?

- Hey, cap,
what are you reading?

- "a prayer for owen meany."

I've tried reading
this book three times,

And I can never get through
the first 70 pages.

But this time, I'm gonna do it.

- Why keep trying?

- Well, apparently,
it's the greatest book ever

With the best ending in history,

So I feel like I have to.

- Let me know if I can help.

- You want to read it for me?

- I've read it twice.

It's great.
You'll love the ending.

- You showing me up?

- No, I...

[bagpipe music playing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, god.

That's loud.

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

- What's good, macchiefy?

- I got myself some pipes.

That's what they
call these, pipes.

- You gonna play "danny boy"
on those things?

- Ooh, I might.
[laughs]

This is a time-honored part
of the irish culture.

- Yeah, well, so is having


And getting sunburned
at the beach.

But we don't need
to lean into that, do we?

- Ok, you know what?

It's part
of the firefighter life too.

And when I learn
to play these bad boys,

I'm gonna play at your funeral.

[laughs]
carry on.

♪ ♪

[all groaning]

- I say he pops it.

- Noice!

The "tacoma tattler"
just dropped the photo of us

From after the pellettieri
dairy farm fire,

And we look cool.

- Ah! Noice, indeed.

[laughs]

Whoa, lucy, what the hell?

- What?
- What are you doing

With your hands?
- Representing the 2-4.

- No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.

That's a g*ng sign.
You know that, right?

[laughter]

- Yeah, the station 24 g*ng.

What up?

- Mm-mm.
- No, stop. No, it's not.

It's a real g*ng sign.

It's the 82nd street boys.

- What is that, a boy band?

[laughter]

- No, it's not, actually.

It's the sign
for the 82nd street boys.

They're a very dangerous
street g*ng

In the little belgium district
of tacoma.

And that crisscross pattern,

That's the belgian waffle...
Don't make that sign.

[laughter]

- This is a solid bit.

- It's not a bit, you guys.

- This is exactly what
we're talking about, man.

There's no belgian street g*ng
with a hand waffle sign.

- Yes, there is.

They're called
the 82nd street boys,

And you better pray
they don't see you

Making that hand sign
down there,

Or you're f*cked, lucy.
I'm serious.

- This one?
- Oh, my god. Stop it!

Stop it!
Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Actually, you know what?
Go ahead.

Go flash it on the street.
See what happens.

Somebody's gonna
get the last laugh.

It's not gonna be you.
- [laughs]

- It's gonna be the streets
of little belgium!

[laughter]
it's your funeral.

- I respect your commitment
to the bit, ike.

[mellow music]

Oh!

[bagpipe music playing]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

- Mm, mm, mm.

Sounding good, chiefy.
- Thank you.

I don't mean
to blow my own horn,

But I am crushing
these public domain songs.

- That's a good one.
Oh, man.

That's a good one.

So, um, I was just wondering
if you could play those

A little bit softer.

- Sorry, one volume only:

Loud.

[laughs]

- So in that case,
would you mind

If I just close this door
a little bit so...

- Mm, it's better
for the acoustics

To leave the door open.

- Ok, the thing is,
the bagpipes are really loud,

And I'm finding it difficult
to concentrate.

Maybe you could just
take a break.

- Why don't you take a break
from concentrating?

- Terry, do you remember
two years ago

When I tried to learn
how to play the guitar

And you banned me
from playing in the station

'cause you said it was too loud?

- Come on.
You were gonna quit anyway.

- That is not true.

- You never stick to anything.
It's like that book.

How many times have you
tried to read that book?

- I know how to read books,
terry.

This one just happens to be
my kryptonite.

- The station closed down
for more than a year.

You could have taken the time
to learn the guitar then,

But you didn't, did you, hmm?

Exactly.
Dismissed.

- No.
I'm un-dismissable.

Ok, now I'll leave
because I want to.

- Good. Go.

- You know what?
I just changed my mind.

Now I think I'll stay.

And now I'll go.

- Good. See you.
Hey, don't close that door.

Hey! All right, fine.

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Oh.

What's going on here?
- Some kids pranked us,

Plastered the station
with waffles.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [sniffs]

[sighs]

It's not a prank.

Sure as hell ain't kids.

It's the 82nd street boys.

They must have seen the photo.
Now they're angry.

- We better make some pancakes
and hit 'em back.

[laughter]

- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

You think that's funny too, huh?

- Yeah, a little bit.
- Why won't you

Take this seriously, lucy?
- Because these are kids

Playing a prank,
or it's you playing a prank.

Either way,
a belgian street g*ng

That does drive-by
waffle att*cks doesn't exist.

- Let me tell you something.

I've seen a million
waffle tags in my day,

And this one
is particularly brutal.

- Ok, ike, prove it.

- I'll prove it
to you right now.

Right now.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Huh?
- Hey, hey, hey,

Hey, hey, hey.
- Whoa, stop it.

- Surprise.
Surprise.

Ikey's got a tattoo,

A g*ng tattoo!
- Huh?

- 'cause I was a member
of the 82nd street boys, luce.

- Whoa.

- They're real,
and they're coming!

And there's not a damn thing
you can do about it.

- I grew up in the french
sector of little belgium.

- But you're not belgian, right?

- No.
No, no, no.

But my father was a chocolatier

In a belgian chocolate shop,

And we lived close to his work,

So I was there all the time.

- Your dad makes chocolate?

- Made.

He d*ed of exhaustion
on valentine's day.

That's a different story.

Man, the 82nd street boys

Ran those streets back then.

They had their fingers
in everything,

From the bicycle bazaar

To the beeper kiosk at the mall,

Which are, of course, now

The cell phone case kiosks
at the mall.

I was about 13 years old.

I was hanging around
the belgian food market.

Tried to steal
some fresh waffles.

[chuckles]

The owner caught me,

Monsieur richárd.

He also happened to be a leader
of the 82nd street boys.

[chuckles]

Instead of punishing me,

He actually offered me a job.

[chuckles]

Started out as an errand boy,

And then before I knew it,

I was cutting sandwich meat
at the butcher counter.

[suspenseful music]

Richárd was like a father to me.

And even though
I wasn't belgian,

In a couple years, they
opened up the books, and...

He asked me to be in the g*ng.

[chuckles]

Took a blood oath.

But the night of my beatdown,

I realized
I didn't want that life.

So I fled little belgium.

Never been back.

- So you were waffling
about joining the g*ng?

- [muffled snicker]

- Yeah, I...
I got out, like I said.

- Sounds like you got out
"syrup-titiously."

- [chortles]
- [giggles]

- Ok.
That's funny, yeah.

I don't actually
understand your jokes,

But I know I don't like them.

- Why have you never
brought this up before?

- I've told you this
a million times.

- You never told us were
in a belgian street g*ng.

- I absolutely did.

Did I ever tell you I was
in a belgian street g*ng?

I told you I was in
a belgian street g*ng, right?

I was in this
belgian street g*ng.

Did I ever tell you guys I was
in a belgian street g*ng?

Did I ever tell you I was
in a belgian street g*ng?

Yeah, man, the 82nd street boys,

They were some badass dudes.

I'm not trying
to show you my nuts.

It's a tattoo.
It's a g*ng tattoo.

I was in a g*ng called
the 82nd street boys.

- Wow.

I do not remember that.

- Hey, you know what's awesome
about little belgium?

The french fry emporium.

- Oh, and brussels sprouts
depot is mad sick.

- Oh, the smurf store.

You know the smurfs
are belgian, right?

- Guys, why are you
not scared right now?

- I don't know, maybe 'cause
it's just little belgium.

- Just little belgium?

Welcome to the jungle, luce.

If you don't make amends with
the 82nd street boys soon,

They're gonna send you
the final message.

And if they send you
the final message,

It's too late for you already.

- What's the final message?

- It's a lion's paw
in a mayonnaise jar.

- Boy, stop.
[laughs]

- Is the jar empty,
or is the lion's paw

In actual mayonnaise?

- It's an empty jar.
The lion's paw is in a jar.

- Sorry, I just thought
they dipped everything in mayo,

Like they do with french fries
and oysters and waffles.

- They don't dip
everything in mayo.

That's an ugly stereotype.

Please stop perpetuating it.
- Ike!

Now, you know damn well
they do that.

- Ok, yes, maybe with the
oysters and the french fries

And stuff like that,
but certainly not with waffles.

I mean, come on.

Not with waffles!

- Ok, ok.

How do I make amends
so I don't get...

[mocking accent]
the final message?

- You just have to apologize.

- Ike, you got to give it up.

I know that this is a prank.

- Please, apologize
before it's too late.

[growls]

[bagpipe music playing]

♪ ♪

- What's up, chief?

- Hey, captain.

I'm just mastering
"oh! Susanna."

What do you got there,
an accordion?

- Actually, terry,
it's an organetto.

I was so inspired by you
that I decided

To get in touch with my
italian musical heritage.

And I bet I learn
how to play this thing

Before you learn
how to play that.

- Mm, well,

I'm guessing you're just here
to annoy me,

So let's hear it.

- Well, no, I just got it, so...

- Well, I just got this, so...
[chuckles]

- Fine, fine.

Feast your hear holes on this.

[soft creaking]

- My hear holes
are still hungry.

- Hold on a second.

- It's supposed
to make sound, right?

- There's definitely
gotta be a switch here.

- Maybe you need to charge it.

- I guess I thought
it would just come to me

On account of me being italian.

- Now you know as much
about the organetto

As you do about
playing the guitar.

[chuckles]
why don't you come back

When you can get it
to make noise?

- That'll be sooner
than you think. [laughs]

- If you'll excuse me.

- Ok, brb.

That means be right back.

- B-y-e.

It means bye.

[chuckles] sucker.

All right, susanna.

And a-one and two
and three and four.

♪ ♪

- These boots
aren't really shine-able.

- Doing a great job, man.
Keep it up.

- Thanks, granny.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- [breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

- Mm.
- Whoa.

- Who put that lion's paw there?

- Not me.
- Not me.

- Not me.
- I put it zere.

[dramatic musical sting]

- Oh, sh*t.

- Hello, everyone.

I'm gerkens richárd.

♪ ♪

Hello, ike.

- Hello, monsieur richárd.

- And lucy mcconky.

♪ ♪

So quick to use
our secret hand signal.

You probably belittled us,
made fun of little belgium,

Laughed about waffles,
joked about za smurfs.

♪ ♪

Well, zis is not a joke.

And we are not za smurfs.

- Now do you believe me?

♪ ♪

[bagpipe music playing]

♪ ♪

[low notes playing]

♪ ♪

- Eddie, this is ridiculous.

Why are you going
out of your way

To stymie my bagpipe playing?
- I'm not stymieing anything.

I'm just trying to master
the swiss alphorn.

- No, you're not.

You're out here making noise
to stop me out of spite

Because my passion
for the bagpipes

Is greater than your passion
was for the guitar.

- Wrong.

It's because you stymied
my guitar playing.

- You stymied yourself.

You're a self-stymier.

- New year's day, 2020.

You asked me if I had
any new year's resolutions,

And I said, "I think I'd like
to learn to play the guitar."

And you went, "pfft.

Yeah, right.
Good luck with that."

- Because every new year,
you have some new resolution.

One year, it's juggling.
Then it's running marathons.

Then "I want to do magic."
then it's hypnosis.

Then "I'm gonna
ride a unicycle."

And you never
follow through on it.

- Well, maybe instead
of pfft-ing me,

You could offer me
some encouragement

Like a real friend.
- You don't care about that.

You just want to stop me
from playing my bagpipes.

Well, it's not gonna happen!

- Oh, you're storming away?
Fine, I'll storm away too.

[loud scraping]

[rock music]

[clunk]

[clunk]

[scraping]

- Ike, lucy, come sit, please.

- Very good. Ha ha.

[quietly] ok, listen carefully.
Belgians are easily offended.

They find backslapping
or yawning offensive,

So please don't do that.

And never, ever confuse them

With french or dutch people, ok?

- [whispering]
I'll just keep my mouth shut.

- Ike, let's talk.

- [whispering]
don't say anything at all.

[soft accordion music]

- Ah, would anyone like
a brussels waffle?

- I would love one, gerkens.

- Good choice.
[laughs]

We have two types of waffles
in belgium,

The liège waffle
and the brussels waffle.

Did you know that, lucy?

- Uh, no.

- The brussels waffle
has larger squares

And deeper pockets.

It also doesn't
soak the syrup in

Like the liège waffle,

So it is crispier.

And you can have it for
breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

It is one of the many aspects
of belgian culture

Which I love.

- Sounds versatile.
[chuckles]

- What I don't love

Is when people make a mockery
of belgian culture.

When I saw za photo,

I knew that za girl
was mocking us.

- Gerkens,
that was an honest mistake.

She [laughing] had no idea.

- Yeah, l-let me explain.

So we're in station 24.

And I had a two and a four.

- Merde!

- And...
- Oh, my god.

- Well, just trying to show him.

- Stop.
Please stop.

I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- [exhales heavily]

Well...[chuckles]
I may never know za truth.

And that's fine, because...

I'm not here for her.

- Oh!

- I'm here for you, ike.

[plate shatters]

["oh! Susanna" playing]

♪ ♪

["row, row, row your boat"
playing]

[bass notes]

♪ ♪

- Guess what, terry.

I found the instrument,

And I've already mastered it.

- A vuvuzela?

That's not even
a real instrument.

- Ok, first of all,
it's "vuvu-zela."

- That's what I said,
"vuvu-ze-la."

- "vuvu-zela."

- "vuvu-ze-la."

- It doesn't matter.

I want you to stop
playing the bagpipes,

And there's no way
you can endure this.

The "vuvu-zela" is undefeated.

- [exhales heavily]

♪ ♪

[bagpipes and vuvuzela playing
"row, row, row your boat"]

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

Oh!
That was incredible.

- Two great sounds
that sound great together.

- Why didn't we do this
from the beginning?

- Terry, when we work together,

We make beautiful music.

- Hey, would you want
to do a duet

Of "yankee doodle" with me?

- I would love to play
"yankee doodle."

- One and two
and three and four.

["yankee doodle" playing]

- You were like a son.

I let you in za g*ng even
though you weren't belgian.

Zen you betrayed me

And ran away
like a thief in the night.

In time, I forgot about you,

Which was difficult for me
because I loved you so much.

Zen...[chuckles]
I saw za photo.

[laughs] za photo.

And you know za rule

Zat you can't leave
the 82nd street boys

Without a pe-nance.

- [gasps]

- So I'm here

For my pound of flesh.

- I'll rejoin the g*ng.
I can just rejoin.

- It's too late, ike.

You know za rules.

High or low?

- What does he mean
by high or low?

- Tell her, ike.

- Price to leave the g*ng's
a thumb or a big toe.

- What? No.

This is all my fault.
Please do not hurt ike.

- It's fine.
Thanks.

It's ok.

Every man's gotta face
his past at some point.

["you are my sunshine" playing]

♪ ♪

- What's dat?

♪ ♪

Where is dat coming from?

♪ ♪

[both breathing heavily]

When I was a child
in brussels...[laughs]

My mother and father
used to bring me

To watch rsc anderlecht
football club play.

Ze smell, the smell
of french fries,

Mayonnaise, vinegar,

And belgian beer was in za air.

Za crowd was roaring.

And of course, the bagpipes
and "vuvu-zelas"

Playing the belgian
national anthem

Together za whole time.

Oh, god.
[laughs]

It is the best memory
of my mother and father

And being a boy in belgium.

Oh, yes.

Ike, just now
when your friends honored me

By playing
the belgian national anthem,

It brought me back.

[inhales deeply]
thank you.

I forgive you.
[laughs]

- Really?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much, gerkens.

- You are welcome.

- Hey, by the way, this is not

The belgian national anthem.

This is "you are my sunshine."
yeah.

- No, no, it is
the belgian national anthem.

- No, no,
it's "you are my sunshine."

We got the songbook right here.
- It's right here.

"public domain songs."
right?

- No, no, no, no!
- No, it...

- Ah, it's the belgian
national anthem, 100%.

- [laughs]
- yeah, yeah.

- Ike, who's this guy,
your trainer? [laughs]

- Oh, this is gerkens richárd.

- [laughs] what up, pickle d*ck?

- [yelps] [laughter]

- Pickle d*ck.
- No, pickle d*ck,

That's a different guy.
We make fun of him sometimes.

We have him in here.
- No, no, we're talking about

This guy...
Gerkens, pickle; richárd, d*ck.

Pickle d*ck.
- No. No, uh...

He's a belgian crime boss.

Yeah.
Very good friend of mine.

I used to cut bologna for him.

- Belgian crime boss?
- Yeah.

[laughter]

Are you kidding me?
That's baloney.

[laughter]

- [mockingly]
I am going to make you

An offer you can't refuse.
[laughter]

- Sorry, pal.
We don't even know you.

We're just kidding.
- Yeah, we're totally kidding.

We're totally kidding.
- Yeah, totally kidding.

Hey, we're gonna keep playing,
guys, all right?

So have fun.
One and two and three and four.

- Don't worry about them.

I'm just so glad
we resolved all our stuff.

- Well, it is not
completely resolved.

I need you to do one last job.

[rock music]

["you are my sunshine" playing]

♪ ♪

[music continues]

♪ ♪

[dark undertone]

[dark undertone disappears]

- You said a pound and a half,
right, ma'am?

[laughs]
great.

I'll be right with you, sir.

♪ ♪

[both breathing heavily]

[laughter]

- Magnifique.
Oh, my god.

- You're a very generous
audience.

- Best audience so far.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Hey, gerkens,

What kind of job
did you have ike do?

Was it something important?

- No, I just needed someone

To cover the Sunday shift.

It is the hardest shift
to cover.

- Oh, yeah.
- Right?

Tell me about it.
- We know.

Hey, what kind of a name

Is gerkens anyway...

French or dutch?

[suspenseful music]

- Neither. It is belgian.

- Ah, what does it matter?

It's all the same anyway,
right, pal?

[laughter]
- he's kidding.

He's kidding.

♪ ♪

- All right, "comin' round
the mountain" on eight.

Ready?
Both: And one and two

And three and four

And five and six
and seven and eight.

["comin' round the mountain"
playing]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]