01x17 - A Big, White Thumb

[bunniefuu]

Where's Auntie? She's gossiping with her hens.


(WOMEN LAUGHING) Something is funny.

Someone must have d*ed or put on weight.

Hello, Mummy.

Good morning, my darling son.

Good morning, Madam.

Kemi.

Why are you so late? We overslept.

My fault.

I kept him up last night.


(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Then twice again this morning.

But we are here now, Mummy.

Bless you, my son.

And bless you.

Bless you even more.

Thank you, Pastor.


- It was a wonderful sermon.


- Thank you, Sister Olu.

It was 11 hallelujahs.


- Excuse me?
- You said "hallelujah" 11 times.

I keep track.


- Okay.


- Your record is 18, when you spoke on the sins of arrogance.

Your words always renew my faith and help me get through the week.

I'm glad to hear that.

How's things going with Bob? What? Your American boyfriend.

How do you know about him? A little birdie told me.


- Cheep, cheep.


- She means "cluck, cluck.

" PASTOR: I hope we all get to meet Bob soon.

Oh, maybe.

I don't know.


- What don't you know?
- Oh, he's very busy.


- On Sundays?
- Mmm.

I'm sure you can work something out.

I will try.

Abishola, you must include Bob in your relationship with God just as you include God in your relationship with Bob.

That's wonderful advice.

I don't give the other kind.


- Auntie, why?
- Do you not
- have feelings for Bob?
- I do.


- And does he not have feelings for you?
- He does.

Then why are you hiding him from your community? Uncle, help me.

She is worried that he might stick out like a big, white thumb.


("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING) And thankfully, Chukwuemeka's mother has very high blood pressure,
- so there's an end in sight.


- ABISHOLA: Oh.

Kemi.

What? I don't make her eat the chicken nuggets.

I don't stop her, either.

GLORIA: Don't matter what she eats.

The mean ones don't die.

My mother
-in
-law is 97 years old.


- Bitch just got a new hip.


-
(KEMI CHUCKLES) The both of you are terrible.

Hey, is it true you taking the sock man to your church? Oh, come on.

It's too good not to share.

Maybe one day.

I don't know if this is the right time.

It better be soon.

The rumors are flying.

The longer you wait, the bigger and whiter he gets.

I don't understand.

Bob's a good guy.

You're happy.

What you worried about? Dele.

His friends will tease him when they see his mother is dating a white man.

KEMI: That is true.

Right now the only white man in our church is Jesus.

Really? Our Jesus is black.

Okay.


- Ek'ale, Mum.


- Kaale.

I want to get your opinion on something.

My opinion? Really? Why are you surprised? You usually tell me my opinions.


- No, I do not.


- You're right, you do not.

I want to know how you feel about me bringing Bob to church with us.

I would hate it.

That is what I thought.

Thank you.


- Mum, wait.


- No, no, no.

It's all right.


- Well, I don't want to be selfish.


- You are not.

Your feelings matter.

Since when?
- Don't be disrespectful to me.


- I'm sorry.

If it's what you want, then you should invite him.


- You mean that?
- Yes.

You are not just saying that to please me?
- No.


- Are you sure? Are you sure? Okay, we are done talking.

How is your suya? Delicious.

Thank you.

Is it better than when she fed it to you yesterday? It's just as good.

Because your mother reheats your food with love.

Try my egusi soup.


- Ah, that's wonderful.


- You know why? I made it today.

Excuse me.

I'll get another beer.


- No, no, wait.

I will
- No, I'll get it.

Uh, please, sit.

Eat your dinner.

He is such a good boy.

Yes.

Although, sometimes, he can be a very bad boy.

Where did we get chicken nuggets from? Oh, Kemi was kind enough to bring me an afternoon snack.

Ten pieces.

She ate them like Tic Tacs.

So, my son, how was work at the CVS? It was very exciting.

A man choked on a granola bar,
- and I had to give him the Heimlich maneuver.


- Oh! When the chunk of granola sh*t across the pharmacy, people clapped.


- You are a hero.


- Oh, no.

I'm just a simple pharmacist who took a CPR class at the YMCA.

Perhaps after dinner, you can show me how you wrapped your arms around this man and squeezed him tight.

I think you can imagine it.

You imagine it.

I want him to show me.

Take a piece.

Roll a ball.

Make a divot.

Dip and scoop.

It is like he was born to it.

Can I get some more of that "og
-bono" soup? Ogbono.

Pretty sure that's what I said.

You know, this is nice.

My family never sits down and eats together.


- You're always welcome to eat with us.


- Oh, then I'll be back for breakfast.

Kidding.


(LAUGHING): I did not see that coming.

Bob, I was wondering if you had any plans for next Sunday.

Um, well, football season's over, so I guess I'll just be watching old football games.

I thought maybe you'd like to join us at church.

Oh, yeah.

That's on Sunday, too.

So? Well, truth be told, uh, I'm not really a churchy kind of guy.

What does that mean? It's just I wasn't raised with any religion.

None? BOB: We always did the Christmas tree and gifts, eggnog at the club.

You know, everything but the woo
-woo stuff.

"Woo
-woo stuff"? I'm sorry.

Is that offensive? I just mean the whole God thing.

So, you are an atheist? Oh, I
-I don't like that word.

I prefer, uh, sensible.


(LAUGHS): Oh, this is awesome.

No one asked for your opinion.

I
-I'm glad it works for you guys.

That
-That's what's great about this country.

We're all free to believe whatever we want, even if it's a little
(CHUCKLES) Whatever we want.


(LAUGHS) What about at the hospital after your mother's stroke? You went to the chapel and prayed for her.

Sure, everybody gets religion when they're in a jam.

A jam? Like this one time.

I'm flying across Texas in a lightning storm.

The plane's bouncing all over the sky, and I think, "This is it.

We're done.

" Then the guy next to me turns out to be a rabbi.

He starts praying, and I kid you not, I went right with him.

By the time we landed in Houston, I was speaking Hebrew.

But that prayer worked.

So did the one at the hospital for your mother.

Well, hold on.

I'm always praying for the Lions to get to the Super Bowl.

The closest they ever got was the NFC Championship in '91.

Now, you tell me, what kind of God makes an entire city suffer for 30 long years? 54 if you count Super Bowls.

Exactly.

Take a piece.

Roll a ball.

Make a divot.

Dip and scoop.


(DOOR CLOSES) Hey.


- Hi.


- Hey.

How was dinner with the Nigerians? Good.

Spicy.

Was there ever a time when we went to church growing up? Well, sure.

We were Unitarians for a while.

What do they believe in? You name it.

It's like a religious buffet.

You can run around the table and stick anything in your mouth.

But I was never baptized.

Well, sure you were.


- Well, kind of.


- "Kind of"? Well, when you were a toddler, you almost drowned in the bathtub.

I dropped my drink, yelled, "Holy Moses," and yanked you right out of there.

That doesn't count as a baptism.

In the Unitarian church, it does.

Well, what about us? Well, after that I hired a nanny for all the bath
-time stuff.

Oh, Mom.

What?! You were all very slippery.

Why are you asking me about this? At dinner, the subject of God came up, and I said I didn't believe.

Now, why on earth would you do something like that? Well, why would I lie? To be polite, you big dope! It's too late now.

I think I insulted them.


(SIGHS) You can still fix this.


- How?
-
(GRUNTS) Here's what you do.

You call Abishola and you tell her that on your way home, you picked up a filthy, bearded hitchhiker, whose hygiene at first repelled you but then he turned out to be Jesus.

Is she drunk? Little bit.

But aren't all great storytellers a little fond of the grape? Thank you.

You've all been very helpful.

Good night.

Why'd we stop going to that church? Well, your father and I had religion shoved down our throats when we were kids, and we didn't want to do that to you.

Ah, so, you actually thought about it.

Yeah, sure.

We figured when you grew up, you'd make your own choices.


- Cool.


- Yeah.

That still gives us a couple of years.


(PHONE BUZZING) Hello, Bob.

Wow, you pack a lot of information into two little words.

Hey, look at that, you don't need words.

Can I help you? I want to apologize.

You have nothing to apologize for.

You feel how you feel.

It is good that you told me.

Well, if it's good, then why am I burping up ogbono soup? More silence.

I'm gonna need to gargle.

Say what you want to say.

I acted like an idiot.

I could've told you how I feel about religion
- without being disrespectful.


- That is true.

And, if you're willing, I'd like to make it up to you.

I'd like to join you and your family this Sunday at church.

This Sunday?
- Yeah.


- What changed? Are you suddenly a believer? No, not a full convert.

Not yet, but I believe if something's important to you, then it's important to me.

I appreciate that.

So, what do you say? Could be fun.

It will not be fun.

It will be church.

Right, so it's a date? It is not a date.

It is church.

Right.

Okay, I got some other questions, but I'll just check the website.


- Good night, Bob.


- Good night.

Oh, no.


(QUIET MUSIC PLAYS) Isn't it wonderful? The two young lovebirds, worshipping God alongside the wise old owl.


(SUCKS TEETH) Oluwa mi o.


(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- I'm really sorry.


- Just walk.

Good morning, brothers and sisters.


- CONGREGATION: Good morning!
- Oh, good morning.

PASTOR: Praise the Lord that we are all gathered together on this beautiful morning for worship.


- CONGREGATION: Praise the Lord!
- Praise the Lord! PASTOR: Welcome all who enter into the house of God with open arms! Do we have any new worshippers here today? Uh, yeah, right here.

Ah! Welcome, brother.

Thank you.

Happy to be here.

What is your name, my friend? CONGREGATION: Bob! Bob.

Come on up here, Bob.

Oh, uh, that's okay.

Everyone, welcome Bob!
(MOUTHING)
- Hi.


- Hello, Bob.

And thank you, Sister Abishola, for bringing a new disciple into the fold.

Bob, are you a religious man? Oh, no.

Uh, no.

But I wasn't really raised that way.

Not to blame my parents, but if there's blame to assign, there you go.

He's dying up there.

Brothers and sisters, we have been given a golden opportunity to bring this lost sheep back into the flock.

Let us pray.

You need me for this pa okay.

PASTOR: Dear Heavenly Father, we call upon you to save the soul of this man.

Whether he knows it or not, it was your love that brought him here today.

Lord, you called home your prodigal son, so he might not suffer the wretched indignity of eternal damnation! CONGREGATION: Amen! Amen.

Oh, merciful Lord, let him see the light of Jesus Christ shining into his very being.

Let him feel your benevolence, your love, your power! CONGREGATION: Amen! Yeah, amen.

God, enter his body! Enter his body now! Do you feel the spirit, Bob? Well, I feel something.

He is saved! CONGREGATION: Praise the Lord! You may be seated.

Okay, thanks for everything.

That was very brave! Give him a hand! You hear that? I was brave.

Hey, this was fun, we should do it again.

We do it every Sunday.

Hello, Bob.

Hey, CVS! Oh, you are too kind.

How you been? I recently had a sinus infection, but it responded well to a course of antibiotics, which thanks to my insurance and employee discount, cost next to nothing.


- Can't b*at that.


- You can, but only if you are eligible for Medicare Part D.

I like you.

You're quirky.

Isn't life curious? There was a time you and I were romantic rivals.


- Mm
-hmm.


- But that time has passed.

You are now with the wonderful Abishola, and I am with the equally wonderful Kemi.

That's great.

I'm happy for you.

Yes, I am happy as well.

Good.

May I ask you a personal question? Yeah, sure.

Does your mother get along with Abishola? Oh, yeah, she loves her.

Probably more than she loves me, why? My mother and Kemi, they are like nifedipine and clarithromycin.

Both make your life better, but together they will cause your kidneys to shut down.

So, like oil and water? Oh, that's good.

I never heard that.

Regardless, I understand your situation, you know? Uh, but, there comes a time, you got to choose.

You got to look your mother in the eye and say, "It's not about you anymore, I'm my own man.

" Interesting.

Kemi said something similar the other night when she was bathing me.

Okay, feels like we caught up.


- I'm gonna go mingle.


- Thank you, Bob.

Hey, Dele! Yep.

Thank you.

We haven't been here for a while.

You remember our first date? You asked me if I had any hobbies.


(CHUCKLES) Yeah.


(NIGERIAN ACCENT): "Nigerians do not do useless things.

" We do not like being mocked, either.

Was trying to be cute, never mind.

When you said to the pastor that you accepted Jesus into your heart, did you mean it? Well, I couldn't say no, the guy was palming my head like a basketball.

I was going for cute again, I'm sorry.

What am I going to do with you? What do you mean? How do I spend my life with a man who has no god? Well, maybe God put me in your life so you could bring me to him? You do not believe that.

Abishola, I
-I'm not sure I believe in God, but I do believe in miracles.

I mean, why else would a woman like you be with a guy like me? The free socks.

Don't be cute.

We should have dinner sometime, with Bob and Abishola.

You think so? Absolutely.

He and I had a very nice conversation at church.

Good man.

Let's do it.

Should we go to a restaurant or should I cook? Ah, you should cook.

The okra soup? That would be wonderful.

Of course, we'd have to invite Mummy.

Of course.

Oops, I dropped the soap.

CHUKWUEMEKA: Ah, forget Mummy!