01x12 - Cheaters/Bullies

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies...

Insane teachers...

And gross school lunches...

Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends

Try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ joining up ♪

♪ Looking out ♪

♪ I'll survive, ain't no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear ♪

♪ Bring it on ♪

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ Hanging out ♪

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ Hanging out... ♪

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

Like the most important test of the year.

First up, the "cheat sheet in the hair" cheater.

Then there's the daring,

"Write the answers all over my body" cheater.

Next up, the classic "look, yawn and stare."

And lastly there's the "I'm the most popular girl in school

And I don't care if I cheat off you" cheater.

Hey, I'm not finished yet.

What?

And write bigger next time!

[Bell rings]

Captioning made possible by u.s. Department of education

And nickelodeon

So, how was the test?

Brutal, but the worst part is bitsy keeps cheating off me.

See you at our next test, mosely.

And remember, write bigger.

I was hoping you'd say the test was easy.

Why? We went away this weekend,

And I left my notebook at school,

And now I'm here, and I couldn't study and--

You're toast.

Not helping.

But this is the most important test of the year!

Still not helping.

So, what are you gonna do?

Wright: hey, ned, I hope you're ready

For the biggest test of the year!

I mean, it's really big.

It is!

Huge.

Hmm!

Just go tell him what happened.

I'm sure he'll let you reschedule.

But he never believes my excuses.

But this time, it's actually true.

What else are you gonna do?

I could use the "bitsy cheat my way onto the honor roll" method.

I hate cheaters!

They drive me crazy!

Calm down! I'm not gonna cheat.

I'll just start cramming.

Good.

If you need to study for a test in a hurry,

Make a study sheet of the most important stuff.

My vicious enlarged monkey just sat under nicky's pinkie.

You got a monkey?

No. It's a study trick I made up

To help me remember the solar system.

My vicious enlarged monkey--

Mercury, venus, earth, mars...

Another quick tip is to make up study tricks

To help you remember everything from the solar system

To the names of the presidents.

The weasel jumped in the toilet with my homework in his mouth.

What's that? The colonies?

No. It just happened.

Gordy: weasel took your homework? In the bathroom?

Yup.

I'm on it.

Gordy, bathroom's that way.

Gordy: right. Thanks. Bye.

Good luck on the test. I gotta go.

I have tests and one quiz with bitsy today,

And I will not let her cheat.

What are you gonna do?

I have no idea.

Cookie, help. I've gotta learn years of american history

By fourth period.

Piece of cake.

Say hello to the cram-master flash,

And say good-bye to your problem.

Whoa!

Cram-master flash: benedict arnold is the most infamous and despised traitor

In american history.

It's a little loud! How will I remember any of this?!

Your brain is subconsciously learning.

You don't have to do a thing!

Gordy: victory!

Victory!

I did it! I b*at the weasel.

Homework retrieved.

Where's the cover page?

Cover page?

[Weasel squeaks]

I'll be right back.

Hey, ho!

Go get 'em, cram-master.

I'm giving you a high-five!

Abraham lincoln was elected president in .

Susan b. Anthony devoted her life to...

Girl: aah!

Fighting for the rights of women.

Loomer: ha ha!

Bigby uses the girls' room!

Ha ha ha!

I don't think he can hear you.

Oh.

Cram-master flash: lincoln's gettysburg address signified

The end of the civil w*r

And the beginning of american reconstruction.

Ow!

Score and years agooo--

So how's the cram-master working out?

It hurts.

Ooh. Unh!

I think I'd rather fail.

So did you find a way to stop bitsy from cheating?

Yes, because you just gave me a great idea

On how to bust the bitsy.

Wait. I did?

I think I'm gonna go back to the old-fashioned way of studying.

It's your choice, ned, but know that with all my new technology,

I can get all the info I need, anytime, anywhere.

Sweeney: anytime? Like during my quiz today?

What? No!

I don't cheat!

I may look old to you, web head,

But I'm hip to all the latest technology,

And I'm going to make sure that you take today's test without digital help!

Uh-huh! Yep, just as I thought.

Mm-hmm.

Ow!

Why, you little!

Hey, you pulled the wire.

Well, I know how to fix our little problem.

Hunsucker: well, don't worry, mr. Sweeney.

Cookie won't be doing any cheating today.

I never was gonna cheat!

I use technology to study, not cheat.

Come on! Bring on the social studies!

It's science.

Whatever.

Let's do this!

It's about time you saw it my way.

People like me don't have time to memorize trivia.

And you wrote bigger.

Wright: well, young people.

I trust that everyone is ready for the most important test

Of the semester.

This is big.

Really big.

Huge.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Yeah, I can't do it.

Cheat!

Do it! Go ahead and cheat.

They're the oboe twins, the smartest kids in class.

Just do it!

Benedict arnold?

In the flesh, on your shoulder,

And in your imagination.

Don't listen to that traitor.

President lincoln?

Call me abe, honest abe, as in never cheated abe!

Oh, give me a break! Look at that hat!

Come on, ned. Mr. Wright's not watching!

Nobody cares if you cheat. Just do it!

Don't do it, ned.

Honesty and integrity are the very foundation of our society.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Listen, neddy, one little wandering eye,

And you go from an "f" to an "a."

Ned, if you cheat, you cheat yourself.

You're good.

Best president ever.

Just cheat! No one will ever know!

Best traitor ever! Ha ha ha!

Hey, how'd the test go?

I won a private victory.

You flunked, huh?

Big time, but the important thing is I didn't cheat.

And I took your tip and talked to mr. Wright.

Wright: ned, you can retake the test tomorrow, fifth period,

But this time, take your book home with you.

This is the most important test of the year.

I mean, it is-- huge.

Huge.

If you have trouble getting ready for a test,

Talk to your teacher and try to reschedule.

So guess how I did on my test?

You got another "a"?

Nope. I flunked just like you,

And bitsy copied all of the wrong answers!

Wait, what?

Mosely, you're an idiot!

I'm not cheating off you anymore!

Promise?

There are plenty of other brainiacs

That I can and will cheat off of.

Really, bitsy, is that so?

Come with me and get the plaque.

I want to make some changes to it.

Looks like you get an "a" for burning bitsy.

So, moze, bitsy, and I all got fs,

But we learned a valuable lesson...

And mr. Sweeney learned a valuable lesson, too.

Never accuse cookie of cheating, because you will be sorry.

Sweeney: I said I was sorry, mr. Cook.

You got an "a" on the quiz in your underwear,

But you don't have to do this for every test.

I wouldn't want you to think I was cheating or anything.

And besides clothes were holding me back.

I think that wrapped up quite well, ned.

I think this story wrapped up quite--

[Blows raspberry]

Ha ha ha!

That is just dumb, sir.

Hey, my hat! Give me my hat!

This hat? Yes.

No problem. [Raspberry]

Now I don't want it.

Narrator: in the wild of an untamed habitat,

Prey are most vulnerable near the watering hole.

Animals must always be on the lookout for predators.

Get 'em!

Narrator: only the swift survive under these conditions.

Ahh, the law of the jungle prevails.

But predators will not be satisfied for long.

Soon there will be a new hunt...

For fresh prey.

Hey, bigby!

Loomer's looking for you! Ha ha ha!

I recommend you don't let him find you.

Aah! Aah!

What're you up to?

Loomer's after me, and I'm taking a stand,

And cookie has the perfect anti-bully plan.

Cookie: check it out.

Ned lures loomer to the "x,"

We launch the mop-bucket slingshot--

You're plan is to run him over

With the mop-bucket slingshot?

But that's only step one.

Then loomer's mom, thinking polk middle school is not safe,

Pulls him out of school...

Ned: and sends him to a safe private school in nebraska,

Where for dinner every night...

Shrimp cocktail. Shrimp cocktail.

We'll be doing him a favor!

What do you think? You're a bully.

Will it work?

I'm not a bully.

You can be very intimidating.

And you were a member of the huge crew for half a day.

I am not a bully!

Oh, no.

I am a bully.

Bully problems? I think I can help.

Claire sawyer, future lawyer.

All: claire, we've known you since pre-k.

Claire: I'm starting a peer mediation program--

Kids talking things out and solving their own problems.

Can I help?

If I've been part of the problem,

I want to be part of the solution.

This could solve your loomer problems forever.

But we have a plan.

And it's "foolproof."

We need to find a faculty member to sponsor us.

Someone fair, wise, and a natural mediator.

Just stay away from loomer

Until we can set up peer mediation.

Don't do anything.

You got the mop bucket?

Oh, yeah.

Remember, loomer has to stand on the "x."

Over.

Roger that.

Why are we using walkie-talkies if you're just down the hall?

Over.

It's cool.

Here comes loomer!

It's b*at-the-bully time. Over.

Hey, loomer.

You lookin' for me?

Yeah!

[Engine revs]

Are you looking for me here?

[Vroom]

I want jennifer to notice me.

You're her friend. What does she like?

Wait. That's why you were looking for me?

Yeah.

[Tires squeal]

[Crash]

Was this some kind of trap?

Bear with me here.

We were trying to send you to a better place...

With shrimp cocktail!

[Bell rings]

You're gonna pay for this.

If you have to avoid a bully, try these tips.

Bullies fear teachers, so if you're near one,

It's almost as if you're in a "bully free zone."

Hey, mr. Monroe!

I just wanted to tell you the baby's doin' great.

Oh, that's great! Because I always say...

Morning.

And bullies are avoidable

If you know their class schedule.

We're safe here!

Loomer's got math class now, on the second floor.

Awesome!

Loomer: bigby!

Unfortunately, bullies have been known to cut class a lot.

So be ready to run to a safe haven, like the main office.

It's almost as if it has an anti-bully force field.

Claire: we'll solve problems by talking things out,

Not with v*olence.

Talking is overrated.

I prefer to use a proven problem-solving method.

What's that?

I'll show you. Give me a problem.

Um, a bully stole my lunch money.

Hmm. !

And you have the power of invisibility

Given only by queen shindella

Of antilles rigel four.

Both: we'll let you know.

Gordy: fellas, let me tell you about somebody else who had bully trouble--

A man known as "the greatest," mohammed ali.

Ugh! Ugh!

Ahh! You sure you guys drink coffee?

Oh, yeah, it's awesome.

Love it.

Good. So anyway,

Ali had to fight sonny liston, a bigger, stronger boxer.

Ali acted crazy.

He psyched out sonny liston

And won the heavyweight championship of the world.

Why? Because bullies don't understand psychos.

Trust me, I know.

Oh, it's cool. They're with me.

Psychological warfare, boys.

It never fails.

Except on weasels.

Cookie: hey, loomer!

I hate to be the one to break it to you,

But ned's gone ka-razy,

And he's going to go medieval on your butt and stuff.

Wheeooo waaa!

Ned is so ka-razy,

Nobody can stop him from, uh...

Jumping in that trash can.

What?

You want a piece of this?

Whee!

Rose: hey!

Get out of there.

If you're still hungry,

You don't have to go rummaging through the garbage.

Is there a problem?

No. I was just telling ned I'll see him later!

You want a piece of this?

Yeah!

Thanks, man!

I'm not sure it's working.

Of course it is.

We just have to ramp up the ka-razy.

Peer mediation, huh?

Bringing parties together to agree and coexist peacefully.

Kind of like putting this roof

On this cute little birdhouse.

You need to keep a cool head.

That's what we need.

A teacher with a cool head.

And understanding.

Right, because your emotions can get the better of you!

You stupid cute little birdhouse!

Dusty!

Drop the mallet

And back away from the cute little birdhouse.

He started it.

Don't you think you two can solve this

With a little patience

And a little understanding,

And...a little hammer?

You're right, monroe.

As usual.

I'm sorry, little birdhouse.

[Chirping]

Why are you two smiling at me so big?

It's a little scary.

Cookie: 'sup?

'Sup?

Hey, loomer.

Ned's looking for you.

What're they doin' here?

I sold tickets.

What's wrong, loomah?

You look scared.

Scared like somebody who's gonna take on...

Ka-rrrrazy neddy!

Aah! Ha ha ha!

[All screaming]

Loomer, I'm ka-rrrazy neddy,

And you cannot hide from me.

I'm not hiding.

Ex-actly!

Drrr-brrr!

Whoo!

[All screaming]

You got it!

I'll sponsor your peer mediation.

I feel I owe a debt.

To be honest, I was a bully in school.

What? What?

Yeah. I controlled the hallways

With a combination of my vicious satire

And biting sarcasm.

[Crowd chanting "fight!"]

Oh, no! That sounds like a fight.

Ladies, it's peer mediation time!

Ohh-aah!

He's not exactly backing down.

Just keep bouncing off the walls.

More? I think I just separated my shoulder.

Bounce.

Aah!

[Kids scream]

Ohh!

Kids: fight, fight, fight!

Monroe: stop! Stop! Stop, stop, stop!

There's a better way!

Great! I'll do anything!

This guy's crazy!

No. See, it's ka-razy.

[Wildcat roar]

We've heard all the facts,

And we've made a decision.

Billy, you will agree to stop bullying coconut head

And to leave his clothes turned the right way.

Ned and cookie, you will agree to stop bothering loomer.

What?! What?!

Us?

Stop bothering him?!

Moze: you acted crazy to try to scare him,

And you tried to wipe him out with the mop-bucket slingshot.

Claire: and you must agree to never wear your underwear

Outside your clothes, ever.

We wanted to send loomer to an expensive private school!

We were doing him a favor!

Shrimp cocktail!

Peer mediation did not work out perfectly for me,

But it's a good system,

And if you do not already have it at your school,

You should try getting it or think about starting your own.

It can be a real bully saver.

Narrator: ah, just as in nature, peer mediation has solved

The conflict between predator and prey.

Wait one moment!

There is no peer mediation in nature.

In nature, the cute furry little animals

All eat each other.

Gordy, enough with the narration, already!

And so, we bid adieu to the wild untamed lands of--

Ned, moze, and cookie: gordy!

Aw, oing-oing.

Oing-oing.

Lincoln: give me my hat.

Arnold: lah-lah-lah-lah laa!

[Laughs]

Cookie: aah-- aah--aah--aah--aah!

Cuv it!

I love it! Da!

Ha!

[Laughter]