02x05 - Valentine's Day/School Websites

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies,

Insane teachers,

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive with no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And I'm...

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

Valentine's day: it can get pretty confusing,

But if you do it right, it can be a fun day

To express your feelings for someone special.

[Sighs]

Send a rose to that special someone.

Order now, and they'll be passed out fifth period.

It's also a day to see who gets the most roses

And whose hottie rating goes through the roof.

Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Doug got the most last year and instantly became

The hottest thing in school.

His combination of dashing good looks--

Doug was the boy who got the most roses.

The girl who got the most was me.

And I expect to get even more this year,

So just deliver them in this basket.

Ok? Kay.

Ah, valentine's day.

A day full of love and gloating.

[Rumbling]

And danger 'cause the huge crew's on their annual

"We never get a card or rose on valentine's day" m*ssacre.

Aaah!

Run!

Run for lives!

Captioning made possible by u.s. Department of education

And nickelodeon

Besides roses, cards are another big part

Of valentine's day.

But if you're not positive someone likes you,

Avoid giving extra super mushy lovey cards.

Aaah!

Try giving a humorous card.

It tells someone you're thinking about them without scaring them.

This is funny.

But you're not laughing.

Yes, I am.

And don't be afraid to send your card anonymously.

It's a great way to get in on the fun without getting

Your heart potentially crushed.

So who are you guys gonna send a rose to.

I'm sending mine to suzie, and I'm gonna write a sappy

Love note in it and then I'm gonna find out how she--

Is this story gonna take long?

What happens when loomer sees suzie getting

A rose from you?

Nothing. Loomer's out sick today.

How do you know?

Can I borrow your eraser?

Thanks.

[Ah-choo]

Here you go.

Well, I'm sending a rose to the totally available,

Soon to be mine seth powers.

Hey, guys, did you hear?

Me and candy are in love.

Anyways, later.

I hate valentine's day.

There's too much pressure.

And I cannot believe seth is going out

With candy manderson.

Aaah!

Rrr!

Everyone makes such a big deal of who gets

The most roses.

But that's how we know who the hottest kids

In school are.

And this year, yours truly

Will be receiving the most roses.

What makes you think you're gonna get the most roses?

Oh, no.

Do not tell me you are gonna send a ton of roses

To yourself.

I'll be sending them anonymously,

So there's no way I can get busted.

Then I'll replace doug as polk's number one hottie.

[Girls giggle]

Don't do it.

If you get caught, you will be the laughingstock

Of the school.

And I will not come to your rescue.

Are you still writing that ultimate suzie

Lovey mushy rose note?

It's got to be perfect.

I have to tell her how I really feel, but I don't

Want to scare her.

Let me read it. I'll tell you.

What?! My deepest personal feelings

Are poured out all over this little white card.

I can't show it to you.

But I'm your best friend.

Come on, it's like a doctor seeing you naked.

It doesn't really count.

Cut out the part about what your kids will look like

And you need a rhyming closer.

Say...say her smile sends you to heaven

And on your scale from one to ten, she's an eleven.

That's good.

And that's not.

We got huge crewed.

I never knew valentine's day would be so...

Dangerous.

Guys, it's simple.

Somebody's just got to step up and send the crew a rose.

Then they'll calm down.

Aaah!

Send it anonymously.

Then they won't know who wrote it.

Come on. Who's got the guts and a white card?

Fine.

"Have a wonderful valentine's day.

From...anonymous."

Last call for roses.

To suzie from ned.

To crew from anonymous.

Thanks.

I'll deliver the roses next period.

Oh, you get a rose, you get a rose.

Oh, here's a rose for you.

Oh, tell me you didn't.

Oh, I did.

And it's time for the ladies to say good-bye to doug

And hello to cookie.

Just because you got the most roses doesn't mean

That the girls are gonna tear away from doug

And run to you.

Look how many roses cookie got!

Whoa!

Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!

Then again, it could mean that.

Delivery for jennifer ann mosely.

For me?

Martin, this has got to be some kind of mistake, right?

Nope. You got roses... More than missy,

Who's taking it hard.

You're now the unofficial hottest girl

In the seventh grade.

Martin, I'm flattered, but please don't refer to me as--

There she is!

The hottest girl in school!

Aaah!

And now it's time to find out how much suzie loves

My card and me.

Aaah!

Hey, suzie.

Did you get my nose rote-- my nose rote--my rose note?

Yeah. Thanks, ned. It was nice.

Nice?

I poured my heart and soul onto that by inch card,

And you say it was nice?

Well, you didn't write much.

"Hope you have a wonderful valentine's day from anonymous,"

Which is weird because you wrote your name

On the envelope.

Wait. You got this card?

Then that means...

Nooo!

Aren't you gonna throw me?

I'm cute and tossable.

Gordy, have you seen ned?

We want to thank him for our rose.

This is ridiculous.

You cannot be my woodshop project forever.

And you can't be gordy forever.

Guys are actually chasing me,

But not the kind of guys I want chasing me.

I mean, they're nice, but--

At least you can take them.

I don't stand a chance against the crew.

I'll be k*lled with love!

Let me use this until I can convince my mom

To home school me.

It's due next period.

Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!

Fine. I'll hitch a ride with cookie.

Good luck, hot stuff.

Cookie! Cookie!

This has been the worst valentine's day ever.

I sent the crush of my life the wrong card

And now I'm being hunted by the crew like a wild boar.

Sounds like a great valentine's day to me.

Your dream girl at least talks to you

And amazing women crave your affection.

You like the crew?

What can I say? I like tough girls.

But they've been b*ating you up all day.

Hey, when you're me, you'll take any attention you can get.

Gordy, have you seen jennifer.

We want to announce our never-ending love for her.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm totally flattered by all the roses.

I'm just not loving the attention.

Cookie! Cookie!

Well, at least cookie's enjoying his valentine's day.

Simon nelson cook, I want to know who sent you those roses.

I sent one.

Besides zemo.

But they were sent by anonymous.

I sent them--i mean--

You just said you sent them.

No. They were sent by anonymous girls...

Anonymously.

If there is one girl here that sent cook a rose,

Besides zemo, speak and let the valentines truth be told.

I didn't send them.

Me neither.

We've got to do something.

And by "we," I mean you.

And that's because the person who sent you those roses is--

Me.

I sent cookie the roses.

Ahem. I didn't sign them because--

Ahem--afraid to admit my true feelings.

Deep down, we all knew this was coming.

And, uh... Cookie sent me my roses.

I mean, yeah, I did.

So we're not the hottest kids in school

And you can go back to the way things were

And stop crowding us.

Yes. I won.

I unofficially got the most roses.

And start chasing doug and missy.

There she is, the new--slash old-- hottest girl in school!

Get her!

No, guys. Really. That's ok.

Aaah!

Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

So it looks like you guys survived valentine's day.

[Missy screams]

And what about you and the crew?

I told them to meet me in gordy's closet at :

So they can thank me with minutes in heaven.

What? You'll be k*lled.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

.......

I knew it.

They k*lled him.

It doesn't even look like they touched you.

That's because they didn't.

Wow!

What a valentine's day!

It's kind of hard to see who you're kissing in the dark.

Hopefully these posters will get fans to our

Volleyball games.

What do you think?

Is this cookie wants to die day?

Posters are lame.

You need a cool pop-up ad on our school website.

But doesn't our school website stink?

Not anymore.

Mr. Kwest is letting me redesign the graphics,

The layout, the whole enchilada.

Say hello to the new vice president

Of the website committee.

Sounds like a lot of work.

Who's the sucker kwest made president?

You.

[Brakes screech]

What?

Why in the world would I do that?

Mr. Kwest said that if you did this,

He'd show us the teacher's lounge.

You mean we can finally see the mysterious

Never before been seen by a student teacher's lounge?

I'm in.

If your school website needs a makeover or simply reeks,

Start a website committee and check out these tips.

You don't need to be a computer genius to make a difference.

Web design software is as easy to use as a video game

Or music program.

Add cool stuff like late-breaking school news

And links to cool study sites and sports schedules.

Nothing is cooler than streaming video,

So ask if you can hook up a live web cam in your school.

Check it out. The live web cam sh*t

Of polk middle school's front hall.

Wow. An empty hallway. I'm glued.

It's also important to keep your website updated,

So build a staff

Of ambitious web savvy volunteers.

Ned, of course I'll help.

Websites are the newspaper of the future.

My mom told me I had to do something besides basketball

Or she'd take away my basketball.

Or a staff of anybody willing to help.

How do you like the volleyball pop-up ad?

It's the same as your lame-o poster.

But listen, legs.

Give me hours and I'll make volleyball

The hottest ticket in town.

He's an odd little man, yet convincing.

Ok, scoop. Work your scoop...thing.

Cool. By this time tomorrow,

Everybody will be talking about our cool school website.

Well, webheads, it seems like everyone is enjoying

Your website makeover.

Everyone except me.

Someone changed the password and now I can't update

My extra credit page.

Oh, we changed it because the old one was too hard

To remember.

What's so hard about ch?

It's the formula for glucose and the name of my pet hamster

When I was a little boy.

Well, we changed it to halle berry.

Halle berry?

What? You don't like halle berry?

Who doesn't like halle berry?

I like halle berry. She was very good in--

That's not the point.

I don't like not being told about password changes.

No more mixups.

Is that my sneaker on the wolf cam?

Oh, no!

The weasel turned the wolf cam into the weasel cam.

Jennifer, your volleyball game's sold out tonight.

Any chance you can get me a ticket?

I figure since we're friends--well, not really friends--

The game is sold out?

Since when do we sell tickets?

Since it's the hottest game in town

With the hottest players.

Oh, yeah. And love the website ad.

Website ad?

Ned, what did scoop do with my ad?

Actually, I haven't seen it yet, but there's

A big weasel problem with the wolf cam, and I just--

Show me now.

No, but.

Volleybabes?

I told ya I'd put butts in your seats.

But that is not my butt.

I mean, body.

I want people to come to the games to see volleyball,

Not babes.

Whoa, the dame's got a temper.

Will you sign my volleybabes picture.

Yeah, sure.

Uuh!

This is bad.

If the rest of the team sees this, they will freak.

Calm down.

We'll take the pop-up ad off the site after class.

Or now. Let's do it now! Run!

Password denied?

Oh, mio bado.

Last night I changed the password to basketball.

I thought it was basketball.

Maybe it rhymes with basketball.

Dasketball?

[Buzz]

Rasketball?

[Buzz]

I can't find the weasel.

We've got bigger problems.

Moze's volleyball team has turned into

A volley-brawl team.

But the weasel cam could be sh**ting

Anyone...or anything.

Relax. How bad can it get?

[Laughter]

You guys are so dead.

Hey, we just saw you on tv picking your--

That was a scratch.

Now, shut that weasel cam down immediately or

You'll all be in detention...for life!

But just to show you what a nice guy I am,

I'll give you till the end of the period,

Which is in minutes.

Yes!

Oh, my online team has just defeated the empire army.

Swee-eeny.

Ahem!

Uh, students, um, please carry on with the lesson

That I taught you.

Why are these kids in charge?

You had enough money in your budget to hire an expert.

Oh, um, I had to spend it on equipment.

What kind of equipment?

Important equipment.

Well, how's this for important?

Shut down that weasel cam, or I'll have you fired!

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I can't lose my job.

My mom started charging me rent.

[Crying]

I don't even know how to react to that.

Ok, cookie, get gordy and try to catch the weasel

And disconnect the cam.

We'll stay here and work the password out of seth.

What was it? Was it masketball?

Sasketball? Gasketball?

No. But awesome rhymes.

Of course I can stop the weasel cam

Because with the weasel cam,

I've been able to track mr. Weasel

All throughout the school and right now...

He's in the ducts.

How are you gonna get him out?

I am not.

Le weasel female is.

Observe.

I place her seductively in the duct.

[Kissing noises]

Add the sounds of romance...

Along with some musk I had left over from the eighties...

Ah. [Coughing]

And voila!

She will lure the furry little sailor

Right into my trap.

Maybe the password was a sport that sounded like basketball,

Like volleyball or football

Or I'm gonna get detention for life ball!

No. That's way too many words.

Wait. Look.

Gordy: it's working. Here he comes.

Oh, yes.

All right, mr. Weasel, let's dance.

Awesome.

If gordy catches the weasel,

Then we won't need the password.

But we still have to delete that volleybabe ad.

Right. But from a detention for life point of view,

It's a good first step.

Right.

Oh.

Ohhh!

You've got to remember that password!

I'll get the password out of the bum.

But I gotta warn ya, it ain't gonna be pretty.

Oh, yeah. Ok. It's cool.

Tell me the password now, and I promise nothing bad

Will happen to your ball.

No, please, i...i don't know!

Tough ball.

Scoop, hurry, we've only got a minute left.

Why'd you change the password in the first place?

Don't like halle berry, eh?

She's an oscar and yowza! What a woman!

I kept spelling halle wrong and mr. Kwest

Kept getting mad at me for asking.

Yeah, it's true. He kept spelling halle with one "l."

One "l"! One "l"!

B-a-s-k-e-t-b-a-l.

[Bong]

Aha! Mr. Bigby.

You are officially...

Off the hook.

Ned, voice-over: so cookie and I avoided detention for life.

Moze scored huge with her team by setting up

A volleyball camp so everyone in school plus their grandmas

Could see the games.

Even mr. Sweeney wanted our help.

Mr. Bigby, no one seems to be visiting my extra credit page.

Perhaps you could help me get a few more hits.

Don't you worry, mr. Sweeney,

I got a plan and it's perfect!

And we finally got to see the teacher's lounge.