03x04 - Smoking

[bunniefuu]

Aardvark. Armadillo.

Ant. Anteater.

Now that I'm doing
my fellowship at the district,

there's a rotation of substitutes

who are teaching my class
while I'm gone.

I like to pop by
and see how they're doing

whenever I happen to be at Abbott.

Just some quick,
light-touch check-ins,

you know, just to show support.

They hardly even know I'm here.
[CHUCKLES]

JESSCA: Alpaca. Alligator.

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

♪♪

KIDS: ♪ I'm a little teapot,
short and stout ♪

My kids are so bored,
they're moshing to

"I'm a Little Teapot."
When can we go back in?

♪ When I get all steamed up,
hear me shout ♪

- [SCOFFS, CLICKS TONGUE]
- ♪ Tip me over and pour me out ♪

And what you tsk'ing at,
Tsk'in' Teagues?

Ugh, just... I mean,
look... look at this.

My kids are just meandering.
You know what I mean?

You know, she's not even using
the buddy system. I... Mm...

What even set off the alarm?

Don't look at me.

Church or home are the only
places my candles are lit.

What's not lit
is another call from Abbott.

At least it's not
a full fire this time.

- Mm.
- Just some smoke.

Seems like someone lit a cigarette

- in one of the boys' bathrooms.
- What?!

- Cigarette?
- What?

Seriously, who still
smokes cigarettes?

Single dads, criminals...

Morton. Where is he?

Probably lightin' up in
a back alley behind a Dumpster.

Scumbag.

We got him. Melissa sniffed him out.

Oh, yeah. You got menthols,
you can run, but you can't hide.

One whiff, and I am 14 again...

thinkin' I'm gonna wait a couple years

before I try one of these.

That would only make you 16.

Smell always reminds me of my uncle.

Oh, my aunt used
to sit in a chair with a cig

and a glass of Pinot Grig and
recount "Moonlighting" to me.

Yeah, my uncle used
to do the same thing,

except it was scotch and the
Phillies game the night before.

Mm.

- Childhood.
- Childhood.

- Nah, but this is a real problem.
- GREGORY: Mm-hmm.

JANINE: Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Where did you even get a cigarette?

Yeah, what you, a French child?

The guy around the corner
sold it to me for a dollar.

A dollar? Inflation is crazy.

But you are in big trouble,
because cigarettes are banned.

Not on any of the signs I saw.

What?

On the school's website,
we got "no skateboarding,

no vaping, no loitering,
no horseplay, no weapons,

no open flames, no bullying,
and no gambling."

That last one's just for
students, though, right?

There's nothing here about cigarettes.

Did y'all find anything?

Uh, well, I saw a sign
in the hallway that said "no,"

but whatever was under it
was graffitied over.

Yeah, that was a "no graffiti" sign.

The e-mail from the top
of the year lists everything...

and I mean everything...
including bringing a live spider

to school is grounds for expulsion,

but it definitely
doesn't list cigarettes.

Fidget spinners... banned.

Cigarettes just seem to have
evaded every sign we've seen.

Wait. So many new hazards
have come out

that we forgot to put
cigarettes on the ban list?

Gee willikers, I have
nothing helpful to say,

so I guess I'll just restate the
problem that we're all aware of.

- That's you.
- Yeah, I got it.

Besties! Let's finish up
those worksheets

so we can move on to adjectives.

Jessca, do I need to capitalize
the names of the states?

The only human needs are water,
food, shelter, and music.

But don't worry about that right now.

Just focus on getting
your worksheets done.

Ooh. I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]

You actually do need to
capitalize the names of states,

because that's the correct thing
to do for proper nouns.

Right? Don't want to build bad habits.

- Hi. I'm Janine.
- Jessca.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, Jessica.

Jessca. There's no "I." Jess... Ca.

Who are you again?

Oh, sorry.

I'm Miss Teagues.
This is my classroom.

Oh! You're back.

Friends, looks like
I'm at the end of my time here.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just
popping in to say hi to them.

- That's it.
- Everyone say hi to Janine!

ALL: Hi, Janine!

Oh. Uh, no, guys, it's Miss Teagues,

with a capital "T"
because it's a proper noun.

Is there a reason why we're abandoning

- all the rules of grammar?
- Oh, in the first worksheet,

I like for the kids to write
as freely as possible.

- Mm.
- And, uh, we'll tackle

capitalization later.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

- Bye, Janine.
- Oh, see, it's the way

he said that just now is
what I'm trying... Mm-hmm.

- Alright. Let's get back to it.
- [DOOR LOCKS]

- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOORKNOB RATTLES]

How could cigarettes not be banned?

Yeah, somebody really missed
the mark on that one.

I know my fit is going off
today, but don't look at me.

I blame... Janine.

What are y'all even doing
down there at the district?

Shuffling papers?
Doing the Jubi Slide?

- The children are smoking.
- What's the Jubi Slide?

Oh, it's when you put one foot down,

and you kind of move
in the opposite direction...

I do not want to live in a world

where white people
explain dance moves to me.

- You know, I just don't get it.
- [DOOR OPENS]

You know, I thought we b*at cigarettes

with the Truth Campaign.

It's just so retro.

Well, maybe they're
getting cool again.

I mean, clogs are back.
Anything's possible.

Yes. Well, yes,
but there are some cool clogs.

I just can't believe that
children are smoking ragweed.

I know. Don't they know
that smoking kills?

Mm. Jacob, you literally vape.

Okay, that's different. That...

Yes, in that it's worse
because you can vape anywhere.

You vaped all through "Saltburn."

You're inhaling
thousands of toxins. Yuck.

Yeah, well...
Janine smokes weed every day.

- [ALL GASP]
- No.

Damn, Afroman.

Nope. Not every day.

Every night.

Janine.

Reefer. Ganja.

The Devil's Lettuce.

That's why your feet so big.

I-It's medicinal,
and... and it's considerate.

If I didn't smoke, I'd be
an insufferable Energizer Bunny.

What a twist.
Janine is quietly off that loud.

Ava, you can't talk, okay?
You a hookah head.

Mm-hmm. Facts. And microdosing.

I just eyeball it and say,
"Yeah, that's enough."

Now, I don't smoke,

but I do enjoy a protein-bar
edible on the weekends.

You know, research actually shows...

Wow. This man just made dr*gs boring.

I suggest that you all drop your vices

and take a hit of my drug of choice...

J-E-S-U-S.

Street name, Christ.

Uh, you've been known

to demolish those little bottles
of Chardonnay.

And you snort that liquid marijuana.

You don't snort it. It is CBD oil,

and I rub it on my joints.

It's a gateway ointment.

Your lungs are dust.

Crackheads. Speaking of joints,

you ever submerge yourself
in the essence of...

Oh, duh-duh-duh-duh, shh.
Don't finish that sentence.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Frankincense and rosemary.

I bathe in it while I hit a blunt.

Gotcha. Okay. I...

[PANTING] Gotcha.
Whew, so glad we found you.

Um, you may or may not have
heard some chatting earlier,

that may or may not
have been by the teachers,

about, you know, some topics

that you may or may not
know enough about to parse.

- What?
- Baby, what'd you hear up in the lounge?

- That the teachers are all dope fiends.
- [GASPS]

Okay, now, that was an adult
conversation between adults.

That also didn't happen.
We were just joking.

Why didn't anybody laugh?

'Cause Janine isn't funny.

Okay, listen,
I'm gonna level with you,

'cause I know you're a smart kid...

I am. Or at least
that's what my teachers say.

But maybe they didn't mean it.
Since they were high.

- [ALL GASP]
- Okay, alright, I think the point

is that you overheard
our conversation,

which wasn't meant for you,

so maybe it should
just stay right here.

If it makes y'all feel better,

- it can stay here physically.
- Okay.

But, digitally,
it's up on every platform.

I posted it everywhere immediately.

- Ohh!
- Ooh.

Respect.

Gotcha. [PANTING]

So, the Dust Bowl, named after...

Is that what the inside
of your car looks like

- when you're vaping, Mr. C.?
- [LAUGHTER]

Look, I-I want to make
something very clear.

No one should be talking about,
or doing, any dr*gs, okay?

Except for the teachers, huh?

This man is a hypocrite.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, you just got smoked, Mr. C.

- But I bet you like that.
- [LAUGHTER]

Hi.

Hmph. Bet you are.

Word Families.

- Pet.
- KIDS: Pet.

- Mm.
- Mrs. Howard,

is that Pinot Grigio?

This thing has gotten
totally out of control.

You're all drug addicts,
and I'm tired of it.

What do we even say to them? We
can't just have our kids undermining us.

Okay, but how do we tell them
not to smoke or do dr*gs,

when, one, they know
that we do them, and, two,

we can't say anything to them
except for "Just say no"?

Okay, well, Janine,
you're at the school district.

What's our move?

We do have one more resource
at our disposal.

I think it's time
to call in a professional.

Gregory: Take a seat in this row,

but leave this seat for me, okay?

Well, F.A.D.E. got here quickly.

- Yeah, just had to call in a favor.
- Nice work.

And then I had to
call in another favor

when they found out I was
the one who sent them Tariq.

To which I said,
"How was I supposed to know

he'd be a liability?"
To which they said,

"Wasn't he your boyfriend?"
To which I said,

"Okay, nosy, good point.

I'd like to use
all other remaining favors.

- Can you help me or not?"
- Well, it sounds like

the Tariq and F.A.D.E. split
was amicable, then.

They said it's litigious
and Tariq is not winning.

- Great.
- Look at this.

[SCOFFS] Why aren't they
in single file,

and why are they holding hands?
It's like, germ alert.

Maybe it's to make sure
no one gets left behind.

Okay, well, did you know

that she has them
call her by her first name?

These are your students,
not your buddies.

Also, I overheard her saying,

"You can use commas
whenever you feel like."

- And I just feel like...
- [QUIETLY] Janine,

did you smoke last night? 'Cause
it don't seem like you did.

I just don't think it's
the best way to run a classroom.

Well, she's right over there
if you want to have

an actual conversation with her.

Mm.

[KIDS CHATTERING]

Awwww, yeah!

Abbott Elementary two-
thousand-and-twenty-three-ee-ee!

It's 2024.

Two-thousand- and-twenty-fou-ou-r!

Gotta introduce myself right quick.

My mama named me Timothy.

I call myself Slimothy. [LAUGHS]

But you can call me Slim. You feel me?

Welcome to the F.A.D.E. Experience.

Let's do this!

Drink up the energy!

Drink up the energy,
drink up the energy!

Sober minded.

Aw, yeah, no, it's a great gig.
Like, it was fate.

And your Tariq was
a renaissance, for real.

Definitely my inspiration.

'Cause I just be studyin'
what he be doin'

and puttin' my own spin on it.

And the people, shh, they like it.

So, what's poppin'
to all my little sweeties.

Smokin' cigs'll give you diabetes.

Now, I admit that
it make you look cool.

But it make your breath
smell like stool.

- And that's poop.
- [GASPS]

SLIM: I run up the score
when I step in the booth.

You do too much dip,
you might lose a tooth.

I'm feelin' so swaggy
and actin' uncouth.

Please don't get me started on cancer.

I'mma lose it if you think
smokin' the answer!

Get that out. Put it out.

In conclusion, I don't think
children should smoke.

- That's right.
- Yes.

Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, y'all warm as hell now!

Fatal overdoses in Philly
are on the rise!

And you all are responsible for
stopping it via your decisions.

Say it wit' me.

ALL: Decisions.

Alright, now I'm about
to bring out da dopest...

Mm. Mm. Mnh-mnh.

...the tightest certified
F.A.D.E. representative

in the wo-o-rld!

Carol-i-i-i-ne!

Pay attention so you don't die.

Pay attention...

so you don't die.

Hello, young... youth of color.

I'm Caroline.

Look to your left.

Now look to your right.

Now imagine it's blurry.

That's what it's like
to be under the influence.

Hey, Jessca, how's it going?

It's fantastic.
I was just telling the kids

they can choose
their own homework assignments.

- I see.
- Yeah.

I find that choice gets them
really excited about homework.

- Caroline: You are worthy of a good life.
- Hey, so, um, first of all,

I just wanted to say
thank you for subbing.

The only job harder than
teaching is substitute teaching.

I don't know. Have you
ever seen "Ice Road Truckers"?

That ice thin. That truck big.

[CHUCKLES DRYLY] Yeah, good point.

- Mm-hmm.
- Great show.

Uh, second, you know,

I used to teach this class
for three years,

and so I have a deep,
you know, rich understanding

of the kids and this grade level,

so, you know,
if you ever need any tips.

Thanks! But everything's fine.

Right, but there are some
universal teaching practices,

and because of your
lack of experience,

you might just need
a little gentle guidance.

Excuse me, Janine,
I'm trying to listen.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

If I need help, I will ask.

Okay.

But I don't, so I won't.

So, in conclusion,

say no to dr*gs, cigarettes,
and alcohol.

Remember, F.A.D.E. says,

if it makes you faded,

walk away from i-it.

I know that doesn't exactly rhyme,

but it's the message that counts.

A-Alright, we're gonna keep
this fun bus moving along

and jump right into a Q&A.

When my mom gets off
her shift at the hospital,

she has a cigarette. Is that okay?

Only if she wants to wind up
being a patient there herself.

What about wine?

My dad drinks a glass
at dinner sometimes.

You know what pairs well
with everything?

Sobriety.

My aunt takes edibles the doctor
prescribed for her glaucoma.

I guess that would be an exception

if it is for medical reasons.

So, you're saying some dr*gs
are better than others?

I would not say better.

But some are definitely
worse than others.

Well, then, what's the least bad drug?

All substances are bad.

But if you had to pick one...

Cigarettes, I guess.

- No! No!
- [SCOFFS]

So if I had to pick one thing
to do if my life depended on it,

it should be cigarettes?

No! Maybe weed?

- Hoo, buddy.
- The hell?

Let's end this, guys.

According to CNN... Uh, fake news.

Okay, now you got my attention.

...alcohol was illegal
during the Prohibition era,

and we're seeing the same
renaissance now with marijuana.

You know where they don't
have a marijuana problem?

The Third World,

where kids can't just
Google whatever they want,

because they're busy
making the phones.

- Okay, alright...
- It just seems like

most dr*gs aren't that bad.

Fine, you can smoke a little!
Just don't do opioids!

My grandfather's on opioids.

dr*gs from a doctor are okay.

My mom's on Valtrex.

That's fine. Your mom has herpes.

- Hey!
- Wow.

Lady, are you high?

- CAROLINE: Uh...
- [COUGHING]

Whoo! Alright!

When I say "this,"
you say, "went well."

- This.
- Went well.

- This.
- Went well.

Hey, okay. Ah, peace.

AVA: [OVER P.A.] Attention,
Abbott Elementarians...

Due to the district mandate,
we will now be performing

mandatory locker, bag,
and cubby searches.

In addition to searches,

we are also reinforcing
the zero-tolerance policy.

Any substance found will end in
a mandatory two-day suspension.

- Okay...
- Any discussion of illicit substances

will result in disciplinary action.

This applies to students and teachers.

[SIGHS] It's bad enough

I got to make announcements
sounding like a cop.

Now I got to be a judge
and hand out a sentence.

According to this,
I got to suspend Curtis.

Well, that's how it goes.

You bring a substance in,
you get suspended.

This seems like overkill,
to do all this

without even having an honest
conversation with Curtis

or any of our students.

Well, that's the system for ya.

We're not allowed to say
anything except "dr*gs are bad."

It just all seems ridiculous.
Okay, Curtis is a great kid.

He's an "A" student.
He doesn't bother anyone.

It's kind of uncharacteristic
that he smokes.

Smokes or smoked?

Do we even know
if he's done this before?

We let this thing
get so out of control,

we forgot to ask the boy
what happened.

So I guess I got to suspend him?

Hold on, okay? Let me talk to him.

He's been spending a lot
of time in my classroom,

and I think he's comfortable with me.

I'll go with you.
As a former child smoker,

I can probably cough up some advice.

- [LAUGHS]
- [DOOR OPENS]

[COUGHS]

See? It's not funny.

Janine: ...steps to make sure this
kind of thing doesn't happen anymore.

Feel like some direction...

Uh, some direction from
the school district...

Everything okay? 'Cause, Janine,

I know you love to return a wave.

Yeah, everything's fine.
I love the sub.

[CHUCKLES]
And her methods, and her ways.

- Yeah, I have no concerns.
- Spill the peas.

She's just doing things
differently than I would, okay?

And that's all I'll say.

She is teaching grammar out of order,

and it is chaos,
and other things, too. It's...

Would you believe it if I told you

that when you first started,
I found that some of your ways

of teaching were a bit unorthodox?

Uh, no, because that belief interferes

with my perception of reality, so...

Janine, every teacher
has their own style.

You do things differently
than Melissa.

Melissa does things
differently than me.

I know, but it's my class.

It was your class.

It's not your class right now.

- Okay.
- Okay.

But did you know that she took
the "I" out of her name

and just goes by Jessca?

Now, that is foolishness.

- Mm-hmm.
- These kids nowadays,

- they're just gonna do anything.
- I know.

"Hello, students. My name
is no longer Miss Barbara.

- It's Miss Br-ha-ha-ra."
- [KIDS GIGGLE]

Yeah, yeah. It's absurd.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Am I in trouble?
Because I really am sorry.

No, no, we just wanted to talk, hon.

So, remember when we asked you
where you got the loosie?

Well, we also want to know
why you got it.

I don't know. Just curious, I guess.

Curiosity is part of being a kid.

Okay, when I was younger, I, uh...

Uh, l-look, you're gonna be presented

with a lot of things in life,
both good and bad,

and we just want to make sure
that you're being careful.

I wasn't even gonna do it again.

See, that's great. It took me
decades to learn that.

It was nasty.

Yeah, it is nasty,
so don't forget that taste.

Was F.A.D.E. my fault?

No, no, sweetie.

F.A.D.E. is the government's fault.

[CHUCKLES]

I really am sorry.

Yeah, we know you are. Why don't
you head on back to class?

- I hate that we can't be more honest with them.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Me, too. That kid
should not be suspended. Ugh.

Maybe he doesn't have to be.

- Hey.
- Now it's vibe time.

Hey, Jessca.

So, I just wanted to apologize.

Um, while you're here,

these kids are your class, not mine,

and I should not have tried to force

my albeit tried-and-true
methods onto...

"K," so let me stop you right there,

because actually, I'm only
signed up to be here this week.

And I won't be returning,

because this week
has been exceptionally mid.

Oh! So... Mm.
I thought you would, uh...

I don't know. I just thought
you were having a good time,

so that's why I wanted to come
and, you know, say sorry

for the way I'd been acting,
because it wasn't, you know...

Yeah, you're talking as if there
was some sort of interaction

I'm supposed to remember, but I don't.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES DRYLY]

- Nevertheless...
- Oh.

...I accept your apology,

which I'm sure I humbly deserve.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Toodle-oo.

Okay. Oh. Oh, the door.

Toodle-oo. Click it.

[DOOR LOCKS]

I'm gonna be honest.
This was a rough week at Abbott.

Uh, sometimes, as a teacher,

there's only so much
you're allowed to say.

But that doesn't mean
that you can't still be there

for your kids.

I remembered that I had
an in at the district,

and she's gonna speak to the board

and see if she can get
Curtis' suspension lifted.

I'm confident she'll get it done.

She always does.

- Thank you.
- The truth is, attitudes change.

And as teachers, we have to figure out

how to keep an open mind
while staying within the bounds.

And the result is,

sometimes we end up
learning something ourselves.

You're gonna feel so much better
when you just let it go.

- [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
- Let it go.

- Drop it.
- Good, there you go.

- Okay. See?
- Very good.

- Good job.
- Yes!

There you go!

[CHANTING] Jacob.
Jacob. Jacob. Yes. Yes.

- No!
- [ALL SCREAMING]

- No!
- Oh, my God!

- Get him out! Get him out!
- Jacob. Jacob. Jacob? Relax.

- I got it!
- [ALL SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY]

- No! Jacob! No!
- Give it to me!

They say quitting vaping
is easy-peasy. Total lie.

Nicotine gum... I kept
accidentally swallowing it.

Reading Allen Carr's
"Easy Way to Stop Smoking,"

I was falling asleep
and dreaming about smoking.

Anyway, I have found a solution
that I really think is the one.

[GASPS]

Hey, didn't you listen to F.A.D.E.?

You can't have vape pens in school.

I buried my vape pen.

This is my Bref. [BREATH]

No vapor, no nicotine,
just real natural air.

Damn, they got dumbasses
paying for air?

Why didn't I think of that?

Dumbasses? No... Uh, it was only $200.

And it comes with
a lifetime guarantee...

Wait.

I got got.

[INHALING DEEPLY]

Well, I'll be.

This oxygen is bussin'!