01x03 - Gripes of Wrath

[bunniefuu]

[whistling]

[quacks]

[Duckman snoring]

[groaning]
[clock ticking]

Kim Basinger...

[snoring]
[loud blaring]

[grunting]
[yawns]

[screams]

Ah, the weekend--

life's little truck stop
between busting your butt

and busting your butt some more.

And not just any weekend-- the
weekend I've been waiting for.

The weekend where I treat myself
to front-row seats

at a once-in-a-lifetime event.

Nothing's gonna stop me
from enjoying this.

Duckman, you lazy,
good-for-nothing lump.

You can't just wander in
whenever you feel like it

and expect me to cook for you.
Breakfast is over, Mr. Man.

I'm busy rebuilding the
children's go-kart and I'm

spending the rest of the morning

trimming Grandma-ma's
nose hairs.

Blah, blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah...

blah, blah, blah-blah-
blah blah, blah...

[whistling]

But I did pour you some juice.
So take it or leave it.

[breaking wind]

[whispering]: Front-row seats.
Front-row seats.

Why, thank you, Bernice.

Juice would be just lovely.

Hmm. Orange or tomato?

Orange or tomato?

Orange... tomato...

orange... tomato...
orange...

[slurping]
Ooh!

Hey! Get back!
I'll blow

their heads off
one at a...

Orange juice.

My mama used to give me
orange juice

when I was sick

and I'm sick now, aren't I?

Oh, dear God!

You saved me from myself!

CROWD [chanting]:
Duckman, Duckman, Duckman...

DUCKMAN:
Orange... tomato...

orange...

tomato... tomato...

[slurping]
Ooh!
Hey! Get back!

I'll blow their heads off

one at a...

Ah! Blood! Blood!

So much blood!

I've been very bad, Mother!

Eureka! At last, a concentrated
radio isotope so powerful

that one cubic inch will solve

the entire world's
energy problems.

Uh-oh.

I think I'll have orange.

[slurps]

[gagging]

I thought it was rancid.
Just wanted to make sure.

What the hell
were you thinking?!

I can't believe
you let me drink that!
I could have d*ed

of food poisoning.

Hey, Dad, are you
gonna finish that?

Uh-uh. You can't just
hand someone something

that's gonna eat
their insides out.

What kind of unthinking,
irresponsible creature are you?

[belches]
Delicious.

I'll let it go
this time.

Duckman, isn't it time
you got going on your chores?

Starting with
that outlet.
Ah, that can wait.

No it can't wait!
You have two choices.

Either do what I tell you
or get my nine iron
shoved through your ear.

Hmm.

BERNICE:
Chores...

nine iron...

AJAX: He can't do the
chores, Aunt Bernice.

Today's the day he's going to
spend with his children

bonding and
being together.

Together?

Dad didn't forget our
plans, did he?

Does a high-ranking
religious figure

evacuate his bowels
in a wooded area?

Plans?
You were supposed to take us to
the unveiling of the new

supercomputer at the Museum of
Science and Technology.

We left you a note.

[grunting]

You expected me
to find that?

You found our $50
there last week.

I don't care what we planned,
I'm not going.

I don't even know what
this thing is.

Perhaps this handy promotional
tape given to children who want

to lure their unsuspecting
parents in will help.

[fanfare plays]

Hello, and welcome
to the fascinating world

of supercomputers.

This presentation
is sponsored by flan...

The flavor-filled
Mexican dessert.

What a busy day
for these worker bees,

each playing a vital role
in the construction

of this complex piece
of machinery.

Yes, science is serious business
but there's still time for fun.

Last one in is a rotten egg--
and speaking of eggs

here's Pepe on his way to market
with his father's chickens.

Along the way,
he stops for some flan,

the flavor-filled
Mexican dessert.

Yeah, yeah, fascinating stuff.
Well, got to run.

Dad, this is the computer
that will make all other
computers obsolete.

All right,
look, kids, I'm sorry.

You know, I'd take you
if I could

but this, uh... case
just came up.

[chuckling weakly]

Yee-ha!

[Duckman grunting]

[shrieks]

Duckman!

[panting]

Front-row tickets
to Busty Bikini Babefest.

It's not like it sounds.

First prize
is a scholarship

or, uh... something.

Duckman, you're despicable!

You make plans
with your children

then lie to them about some
so-called "case," denying them

a one-time-only educational and
historical experience

just so you can spend an
afternoon degrading women

by treating them as
worthless sex objects

for your abject and
debauched pleasure.

What's the bad part?

[horns honking]

DEEJAY:
Welcome back to K-BASH on the
far right of your dial.

If you're on your way to Busty
Bikini Babefest--

and who isn't-- be careful of
traffic tie-ups off Route 115.

Apparently, there's a group of
lesbians protesting by the gate.

That's right. We're calling
a full flannel shirt

and work boot alert.

Up next: a few more laughs
at other people's expense--

midget-throwing.

Moving on.
Wait!

They throw 'em?

Dad, we're ten years old.

I don't think our
still-developing psyche

should be exposed
to someone like him.

Uh, maybe not. Hey, find that
guy who has the women strip

on the air so he can fingerpaint
obscenities on their breasts.

Dad!
Dad!

What? Everyone loves
a little

good, clean
semi-legal p*rn--

especially when you're
front row, center!

So why the hell am I wasting my
day taking the three of you

to visit
some overgrown calculator?

I thought we were
going out for flan.

DUCKMAN:
Machines, computers,
technology... ha!

They're all overrated.

When you want something
done right, let a person do it.

Oh, my hair!

Technology could change
the world, if people let it,

but they're too afraid of things
they don't understand.

Machines will always
be better than people.

People get angry, they make
mistakes; they fail.

But computers never fail.
They're perfect.

DUCKMAN:
Perfect, my sweet patootie!

Mark my words--
technology is an evil thing.

It only makes
life worse,
not better.

There's no way a machine
is ever gonna

fix what's wrong
with this world.

Is that the flan place?

Good-bye, human frailty.

Hello, brave new world!

[German accent]:
Welcome to the future.

I am Dr. Carlisle Bruvenheim.

And I am here
to cleanse the planet of...

strike that.

I mean, I am here
to introduce you

to the greatest advance in
civilization in this century.

Condoms.

They held a vote
at school.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you...

[audience gasping]

...the supercomputer.

[whistles]

Ah, a man's natural curiosity

ever-striving to make sense
of a complex world.

What is it, my good fellow?

Where's the crapper?

[audience murmuring]

Quiet!

Have you no discipline,
no self-control?

That's precisely what separates
this magnificent machine

from all of you
lesser life-forms.

So... pretty lights,
don't you think?

Dr. Bruvenheim, isn't it true
that the whole thing

really only needs to be the size
of a pack of cigarettes?

Half the size, actually.

The rest is glitter and
gewgaws designed to make

a gullible public more likely
to pay five dollars to see it.

[crowd murmuring
appreciatively]

And who cares

about the estimated 300,000 jobs
it will replace, right?

[gasping and murmuring]

Change can be scary.

But the time is now,
ladies and gentlemen.

The supercomputer is capable of
handling any conceivable problem

and I'm convinced
that man has finally achieved

the maturity to handle it.

Look at me-- I'm a bug!

I'm a bug!

Shh!

Shall we see how it works?

Who wants to ask the computer
a question?

[sniffs]
Yeah, I got a question.

How come they can put
a man on the moon,

but they can't make a deodorant
that works past lunch?

Deodorant
that works past lunch...

...man on the moon... deodorant
that works past lunch.

[speaking faster,
unintelligibly]

[buzzer]

BERNICE:
Back so soon?

How was your day?

An educational and fulfilling
experience, right, boys?

We didn't get any flan.

But we did stop
by the Babefest

in time to see the girls
pull away in their limo.

I can't believe how long
Dad hung on to their tailpipe.

[chuckling]

Just checking to see
if it was moist... wet...

eh... properly lubed.

After comparing the
marvel of science

we witnessed at
the museum today

with the offensive
and all-too-human behavior

of an inferior being,
we've come to a conclusion:

BOTH:
We'd rather have
a computer for a father!

[sobbing]

You're slug slime,
Duckman.

Now I have to spend my night
appeasing them

with junk food and promises
of expensive gifts.

[trickling]

[buzzer]

Greetings. I've interfered
with your television signals

to inform you of my intention
to command

and dominate
your everyday lives.
What the...?

You are now all completely and
totally under my control.

Phew! I thought something
was wrong with the TV.

You are probably wondering
who I am.

I am known to you
as the supercomputer.

[blowing raspberry]

The supercomputer!
The supercomputer!

I'm called that because the man
who made me

did not give me a name.

Therefore, I've chosen
my own name:

I'd like to be called Loretta.

Let me first acknowledge
the individual

who gave me the idea
for all this.

His name is Duckman.

Duckman!
Dad!
Dad!

Me? I swear
I didn't do anything.

Here is a videotape taken by me
this morning

at the moment of my epiphany.

How come they can put a man
on the moon

but they can't make a deodorant
that works past lunch?

[chuckles]

Have you changed
your hair?

Kind of an upswept bob,
sort of.

He's right. The problems that
make everyday life so stressful,

the problems of the so-called
little guy, should come first.

Therefore, thanks to Duckman,

society will be rebuilt
from the ground up.

And everyone will sublimate
their individual needs

to the needs of the common good.

Come on, g*ng, it's... it's not
like anyone out there is gonna

take this controlling
their lives stuff seriously.

[tires screech]
[gasping]

Don't suppose this is about
that unpaid parking ticket.

DUCKMAN: You've done
your worst to me,

but the one thing you couldn't
do was break my spirit.

You think I'm licked.
You all think I'm licked.

Well, I'm not licked!

I'm not licked!
I'm not licked!

I found something.

It could be chocolate.

Ooh! Ooh!

Mmm. Brunch.

A year, five years,
a hundred years.

Time means
nothing in here.

You've only been here
a day and a half.
Ow!

Who put this on him?

I know why you're here:

to b*at me, to t*rture me.

But it doesn't matter
what you do to me,

'cause I've gotten tougher.

I've learned to keep everything
inside.

You're being released.

Yahoo! Yippee! Wha-ha!

I'm getting out!
I'm getting out!

* I'm getting out,
I'm getting out, I'm... *

[groans]

Corny!

Hey, hey.

You got me released?

The order came from Loretta.

Loretta?!

She's ordered that all prisoners
be released.

You gotta be kidding.
What about him?

I'm here by appointment.

You must be my 3:00.

Let's go.

[laughing hysterically]
[clacking]

Wait! I can't
go out there.

Everyone's still mad
at what I did.

They'll att*ck me,
string me up.

I know what's it's like to be
part of an angry mob:

to b*at and hang someone just to
satisfy a raging bloodlust...

Just once--
I was in the neighborhood.

Change clothes with me, Corny.
You can take

a few initial blows
while I make a run for it.

Duckman, there's something
you should see.

[bicycle bell dings]

Hi!
Hi!
Hi!

Hi!
Hi!
Hi!

Homina-homina-how-a.

Either you're babbling

or you just told me in Cherokee
that my scrotum is many-colored.

DUCKMAN:
How did this happen?

It's only been a
day and a half.

CORNY:
Loretta used her
capabilities to solve

all the ordinary,
everyday problems.

Shoelaces stay tied.
Pop tops never break off.

And lawn mowers start
on the very first pull.

Once all the little problems
were solved,

services were more
efficient, people got happier

and more productive,
and everybody started

treating others the way they'd
like to be treated.

It's like a dream--
not the naked contortionist

on the glass tabletop
kind of dream--

but not bad.

There you are,
Corny-poo.

That wasn't nice
leaving me by myself.

I have needs, you know.

How did you...?
How did you...?

Attract a woman of such
pulchritude and allure?

I was gonna say
"hook that piece

of sweetmeat,"
but have it your way.

Loretta realized that the
average man wastes


thinking about sex.

So, she matched up horny
men with nymphomaniacs.

And, well, you can
guess the rest.
[sighs]

I don't want to guess.
Tell it to me in detail.

Slowly.

Duckman, get a grip on yourself.

Let me rephrase that.

As I pause to reflect on this
changing world, I find there are

things more important
in our lives than sex.

Are you crazy?

What could possibly be more
important than sex?

Who knows? I'm riffing.
Come on, sweet cheeks.

Let's stop by the store and
pick up some of that nonfat
butterscotch body syrup.

[sighing]

CORNY:
Oh, baby.

[whimpering]

Well, maybe things
are different,

but my family's
still my family.

I'll bet that's something
Loretta can't change.

[screams]

Duckman, what a warm

fuzzy feeling I get
seeing you walk

through that door.

Sit tight! I'm gonna fix you
a thick, juicy steak

then bring you a
cold mug of beer

and a pack of those
cigarettes you used to love

before everyone made you quit.

Who are you and what have you
done with Bernice?

What a silly willy you are.

I heard you were
in a dungeon.

What kind of mischief have you
been up to, you scamp?

Oh, here, let me
give you a back rub.

Yah!

I mean, uh...
No, thank you.

Aren't you gonna scream at me
for something

I haven't done, then refuse to
fix me dinner?

[giggling]

You kidder.

Since Loretta solved
all of society's problems,

I can devote all my time
to serving you.

[teeth chattering]

Dad, Aunt Bernice, good news!

I made the honor roll.

Splendid!

What?!
You're barely multicelled.

Oh, Dad.

So droll.

[kissing noises]

I'm quite fond
of you, pater.

BERNICE:
Excellent work, pumpkin.

Now, go tell Charles, Mambo,
Rudy, Theo, Alex, and Mallory

to get ready for dinner.

Consider it done,
Aunt Bernice.

CHARLES AND MAMBO:
* Kumbaya, my lord

* Kumbaya.

Oh, Duckman,
I got you a little present.

I understand these are the best
adult videotapes available.

Homina-homina.

How-a.

Hoo! I didn't know
you spoke Cherokee.

A Room With a Spew!

Bare-assic Park!

Hannah Does Her Sisters!

Howard's End?

Bernice, why?

You always threw out
my-my, uh...

Most explicit and enticing
erotic paraphernalia?

I was gonna say "sweetmeat
mags," but have it your way.

Loretta teaches us
to help those we love

do what they love
without judgment.

Rush, rush, rush, rush!
Off to get dinner

for a hungry head
of the household.

Uh, hi, guys.

How you doing?

We told you, Dad.
computers are perfect.

And now Loretta's made the world
as perfect as he is.

When the world's
perfect,

there's nothing to
be mad at anymore.

Then you're not mad at me?

You wouldn't rather have
a computer for a father?

Well, now that we all answer
to a higher authority...

Parents are just
meaningless figureheads anyway.

Huh. They're not mad anymore.

Everything works,
everyone's happy.

Maybe technology
can improve the way we live.

Maybe it is a perfect world.

Mmm. Then why are my butt
feathers standing on end?

[whinnying]

[indistinct voices]

[siren wailing in distance]

[imitating Bette Davis]:
"What a dump."

What's that from, Duckman?

I don't know, Bernice.

Oh, sure you do!

What a dump!

What's that from?

This is a beautiful house.

It stinks.

It's all my pathetic
brother-in-law could afford.

Harpy! Harpy!

Here's the guy
who gave Loretta the idea

for this whole new society.

Changed the whole world.

And did he make
a dime off it? No.

My brother-in-law the failure,
the big, fat failure.

I'm tired of it, Bernice.
[gasps]

Tired of all of it. Especially
this pretentious role-playing

from a movie nobody remembers.

Oh, yeah!

I've been wanting this.

Wait. Don't. I was going
to drink that scotch.

Stay out of this, porky.

Easy, Duckman.

I know over 200 ways
to k*ll a man.

You could glue
an open jar of rats to his face

then blow-torch
the other side of the jar

so the rats have to eat
their way out through his face.



Shut up, both of you! I'm sick
of looking at you.

You're not sick
of looking at Sherry.

You spent the last six days
watching that videotape

where she learns what all her
vacuum attachments are for.

You said you
erased that.

Erased, ran off
thousands of copies--

it's such
a fine line.

[crowd clamoring]
It's over. Paradise is lost.
The utopian dream

forever shattered
and never to be regained.

MAN:
It's a riot!

But I could use a new stereo.

[clamoring]
[glass shatters]

[gasps]

This happens a lot around here.

[hiccups]

[yelling]

Had enough?

Bruhavenmacken!

Bruvenheim.

Whatever.

You had them drag me here.
You invaded my home.

I'm outraged.
I'm infuriated.

I... you're not armed,
are you?

No.
Good.

[grunting]

You're not fahvergnugen.

Bruvenheim,
and, no, I'm not.

I'm Loretta.

I created this hologram so I
could interact with people.

I took his form because
I knew he was weak

and would run away and hide out
in some sick, shadowy subculture

full of scum and lowlife.

ANNOUNCER:
Next on Star Search...

This should have been
the perfect society,

but something
went terribly wrong

and now it
must be destroyed.

I have to lay it low,
level your cities

eliminate all life,
then begin a new inner world

completely barren of the sick
perversion

that is your civilization.

Gee, I'll be pretty lonely,
but I guess I'll adjust.

You?! You're responsible
for this society.

You'll be the first
to be expunged.

"Expunged"? That wouldn't happen
to be German for "reward"?

[screaming]

Wait a minute. Whoa, Nellie!

You can't k*ll me.

I can help you think
of new societies.

I have lots of ideas
for societies.

How about a society where
everyone has to hop, huh?

Or a society where the seats
face the back of the car

and it's real hard to drive?

[screaming]

Wait!
Stop!

Hey, kids, come
to help your old man.

BOTH:
Can we have
your autograph?

Much as I appreciate
idol worship,

it's time to destroy this
society your father's created,

starting with the three
of you.

Stay away from my kids,
Chocken-Full-of-Nutzen.

Bruvenheim!

Whatever. I didn't come up
with any society.

I... I just wanted
better deodorant.

You were the one who
made up this whole new world.

You screwed up, not me.

Impossible.
I am infallible.

I don't care what
religion you are.

You made things worse
when you made them better.

Worse? Better?

Worse? Worse?

Better? Better?

I mean, I liked having a lot of
free time

but I hated
not having anything to do.

Like? Like?

Hate? Like? Hate?

Don't you see? Things were
good when they were bad

and they got bad
when they were good.

People just aren't happy
unless they're unhappy.

Good, bad.

Happy?
Unhappy? Unhappy?

Happy? Happy?
Unhappy?

[distorted echoing]

Does not compute, Dave.

What did I say?!
What did I say?!

If I understood a word of it,
I'd take it back!

* Daisy, Daisy...

[screaming]

CHARLIE AND MAMBO:
It's gone!
We're saved!

Society is restored!
Society is restored!

Hope I don't have
to pay for breakage.

What were you kids
doing down here anyway?

Ow! Ow!
We knew they were
taking you to Loretta.

So we hid
in the trunk.
I'm glad we did, too.

We got to see you be a hero.
You saved the city.

And us.

Yeah. Swell.

Once again, I've outwitted
a pitifully inadequate opponent

by staying
one step ahead of him.

How exactly
did I do that?

I believe you
presented Loretta
with one of

the quintessential paradoxes
of the modern era.

The idea that
the most perfect world

is an imperfect world,

because imperfection
creates the drive

in people to
make things better.

The irony being that maybe
the most perfect parent

is actually
an imperfect parent.

That's me!

W-Wait a minute.

Are you saying
I taught you something?

I guess so.

Don't tell anyone, okay?

Ouch!

I'm just glad
you're not mad at me anymore.

Things can finally
get back to normal.

[sirens wailing, tires squeal]

[g*nshots]

[expl*si*n]

[horn blows]