03x14 - Aged Heat

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

Where did that sleaze-magnet
Duckman go?

[woman screaming]

Wild guess.

Uh-oh. Looks like it's time

to test
my new designer mace--

Blindness
by Calvin Klein.

Oh, baby, feels so good!

Pass the butter.

[screaming]

Another new product to try.

Ooh!

It's like falling in love
all over again.

Duckman, we're supposed
to be shopping

for Grandma-ma's
surprise birthday party,

not getting a prostate massage
in front of half the county.

Now, where's the five dollars

you owe
for her gift?

You never have any money
to contribute, Duckweed.

You're not only a disgrace
to the family name

you're a disgrace
to detectives.

You're not a sleuth,
you're a sloth.

[laughing]

You see, Ajax,

"sleuth" sounds just like
"sloth" except for the...

Oh, just laugh.

We're belittling
your father.

[braying laugh]

I'll ignore
these hateful remarks

from all of you
formerly-in-my-will ingrates

and simply prove
my investigative ingenuity.

Ha!

See that guy over there?
Oldest scam in the world.

He's merely pretending
to be blind,

so he can bleed
a couple of pennies

out of you gullible
Brooklyn Bridge-buying types.

Work up an appetite.

When he flinches,

you'll be eating
some major crow.

My spine!

Oh, my apologies.

It was all my fault.

Oh, my, what have we here?

The old fake-priest-collar
slash pickpocket scam.

Give me my wallet back

or you'll be needing
last rites.

I... I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh really?
Then how do you explain...

this?!

You were going to s*ab me
with this, weren't you,

you magnificent bastard?

I'll pray
for your soul!

What next, Dad?

Bust the pontiff
for prostitution?

[laughing]

Boy, it's such a shame

Grandma-ma's missing
an opportunity

to see you humiliated...

Duckman, where is Grandma-ma?

You left her in the car
again, didn't you,

you bespectacled toilet brush?

Remember the last time
you did that,

she was frozen
in the icy tundra,

almost b*rned in
an African village,

then buried alive!

Sure, but when else
does she get to travel?

There's nothing to
worry about, Bernice.

Last time I saw
Grandma-ma,

she was sitting
in the car,

quietly enjoying her
nice decade-long nap.

[g*nshots]

I don't want to die!

[evil laughter]

Now listen, and listen good,
you fancy smelling dandy.

Place the ice inside the bag
and nobody catches any lead.

And you, give me
that gold tooth.

[laughing]

Anyone else
want to be a hero?

Why, I ought to ventilate
the lot of you.

Who here wants to get sized
for pine pajamas?

What?

Take a dirt nap?

Huh?

Die!

[screams]

There's no love
of language anymore.

[alarm blaring]

Oh, for the love of...

[clicking]

No way I'm sailing
back up the river.

[siren wailing]

There's got to be
some way out of here.

[sniffing]

Blech!

Mother of mercy!

You're the spitting
image of me.

Hmm, no wonder
my four husbands left me.

No, wait. It was
because I k*lled them.

[laughing]

All right, little sister,
out of the car.

I said

out of the...

Wait a second.

You're... you're...

dead.

[breaks wind]
[screams]

Okay, okay, so you're
just vegged out.

Still I ain't taking
no chances.

[thuds]

There, that did it.

Grandma-ma better be all right,
Duckman, or I'll...

Put your panic
on pause, Bernice.

There's our car
with the birthday girl right...

Oh, no!

I can't believe it!

Somebody peeled off

my "I break for aureoles"
bumper sticker.

Grandma-ma, oh, thank
heavens you're okay.

Grandma-ma,
you're not a sleuth,

you're a sloth.

[braying laugh]

Hmm...

Timing would appear
to be everything.

What was all
the hoopla about?

I told you she was
safe and soundless.

It's just that we
don't want anything

to happen to her.

Grandma-ma's the nicest,
sweetest, gentlest lady

in the whole wide world.

[grunting]

[grunting]

ALL:
Surprise!

Happy Birthday, Grandma-ma.

Folks, how about
a helping hand

in blowing out
the candles?

[breaking wind]

[all cheering]

[breaking wind]

[shouting]:
The candles are
already out, Mr. Kohler.

Come on, you bunch
of stiffs!

Let's party-hearty!

Care to cut
a little rug,
Grandma-ma...

ma-ma?

Flashdance!

BERNICE:
Duckman!

Now, now, Bernice,
no cutting in.

I'm going to k*ll him!

[crashing]

Nice dismount.

Sweet Jesus.

This flophouse is loony.

Knuckles, it's me, Agnes.

I miss you, too, but shut
your damn pie hole and listen.

I'm hiding out
at some freak show.

You got to spring me tonight!

What? What channel?

Ah, cripes.

A statewide manhunt

is currently in progress

for mass murdering madwoman
Agnes Delrooney.

She is believed
to be heavy and armed.

Heavily armed!

There's no accuracy
in the media.

None!

Ugh!

I guess I better lay low here
till things cool off.

Much as I hate to say it,

this dump's my safe haven
right now.

Don't worry. These saps
won't suspect a thing.

[maniacal laugh]

Stop fighting me,
Grandma-ma.

You're clenching.

That's odd.

She won't swallow her
creamed lentils tonight.

Okay, Grandma-ma, I guess
it's time for pokey.

Yeah.

Hmm... I can't seem
to find her good vein.

I see one.

At least you didn't s*ab her
in the forehead again.

Oh, well. Whose turn
to do the dishes?

ALL:
Last one at the table!
Ha, ha, ha!

[screaming]

Duckman!

Bernini will never look
for me here.

What the...? Bernice,
come see Grandma-ma!

What?

What is it?

Grandma-ma--
she's not comatose at all.

She was scarfing
down a pork chop.

Duckman, have you been
giving your lithium

to Ajax again?

But she was eating,
I swear.

Oh, whatever
you say, Duckman.

Maybe it's time for some
dishwashing therapy.

And remember,
"spit shine"

is just an
expression.

There's something
different about
you, Grandma-ma.

Something very odd.

Something very strange.

Dad, will you leave
Grandma-ma alone?

You've been poking her
and prodding her

for three days now.

Poking and prodding
is what a d*ck does.

[chuckles]

They just write themselves.

To further prove to all of you
my deductive abilities,

I'm assembling evidence--

or as we in the industry
call them, uh...

"Clues."

Good. You were listening.

Submitted for your approval,

exhibit "D-4": Grandma-ma
hasn't cut the Cheez Whiz

once in the last three days.

The air's so clear in here,

we can actually see
the other side of the room.

I didn't know we had a piano.

Maybe something is wrong.

[squeaking]

[all cheering]

Nice try, dumb-shoe,

and for your next case,

you'll be trying to find
your missing brain.

[all three laughing]

This case
is not closed.

Come on, boys.

It's time to give Grandma-ma
her sea kelp and gravel enema.

[laughing]

Knuckles...

this place is worse
than the hole at Rikers.

These loons give me
one more boil lancing,

bone marrow transplant
or subcranial bore,

I'll plug the bunch of them.

All right. A few more days.

The old bag I replaced?

Don't sweat it.

I took care of her all right.

[breaking wind]

Let them laugh.

But I say there's more
to Grandma-ma

than meets the private eye.

It's been so long
since we made
the sheets sing--

you straddling me,
me strangling you...

Yeah-ha! Caught you!

Nice try, Grandma-ma,

but I'm cutting in
on your little dance of deceit.

You see, I've deduced you're
not really comatose at all.

You've simply been faking it
all these years

as a means
of gaining attention.

And while I'll miss those
really good parking spaces I get

from lugging
your heinous heinie around,

I cannot allow this charade
to continue.

Reveal thyself, Grandma-ma.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle,
tickle, tickle.

Tic...

You don't know

who you're messing
with, Duckman.

Whoo-ahh,
whoo-ahh, whoo...

Ahh!

[screaming]

I ain't no Grandma-ma.

I'm Agnes Delrooney,
insane k*ller by day,

psychotic m*rder*r
by night.

I've swallowed tougher guys
than you for breakfast

and passed them by lunch.

[muffled]:
I knew it. I'm telling Bernice.

Look at me. I'm shaking.

News flash, Kilroy.

Your family thinks
you're a joke.

They wouldn't believe you
in a million years.

Go ahead!
Call Bernice!

I dares you.

I double dares you.

Bernice!

Bernice!

What is it, Duckman?

It's G-G-G-G...

[stuttering]:
Grandma-ma.

Actually, it's
not Grandma-ma.

It's Agnes--
that's her real name.

She's an impostor.

We got to throw her in jail
and find the real Grandma-ma.

Or maybe we can
skip the part

about finding
the real Grandma-ma

and just throw
this one in jail.

You woke me up in the
middle of the night

for one of your
psychobabbles?!

Look, Dinkerton,
I need my sleep!

I have a very
important

"Women Against Potholes"
meeting in the morning.

At least you didn't
wake Grandma-ma up.

I don't think.

Wait! You got to believe me!

Agnes walks and talks and slaps.

Man, can she slap.

Look at these welts.

She was just slapping me
like-like this.

Ow! See, it hurts.

[maniacal laugh]

See, just like I predicted.

Ow!

Playing head games with you

sure works up a thirst.

Fix me a highball.

N-n-n-no.

Listen, half-pint,
fix me a drink

or I'll waste you
and your whole idiotic,

freaked-out,
lousy-smelling family.

That's it.

Nobody calls me half-pint.

BERNICE:
Duckman, I told you,
I have to get some sleep.

Uh-oh. You're
in big trouble now.

[gasps]

[screams]

That's it!

Ow!

This is for strangling
my poor comatose mother...

and this is
for smoking

in the house!

I wasn't smoking.

It was Agnes.

My mother's name is not Agnes

and she's never smoked
a day in her life.

[moans]

[grunting]

Thank you, Grandma-ma.

What?!

[maniacal laugh]

You-you-you're...
not... Grandma-ma.

You jerk, why didn't
you say something?

What's all the noise?

[both gasp]

Grandma-ma,
you're mobile.

We have so much
lost time to make up.

Want to play hacky sack?

Whoa!

Uh, perhaps we should
review the rules.

[panting]:
♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah... ♪

♪ Strummin' on the old banjo ♪

♪ Fee, fi, fiddle-ee-i-o ♪

♪ Fee, fi, fiddle-ee-i... ♪
I can't take it anymore.

I don't remember saying "stop."

What have you done with
the real Grandma-ma?

If you harm one hair
on her back, I'll...

Quit yer bellyachin',
freak show.

Old Smelly Winters is
down in the root cellar.

Get her if you want.

[shrieks]

Grandma-ma.

It looks like she hasn't
eaten anything for days.

Here, Grandma-ma,
have this cr*cker.

[breaks wind]

Listen, pantywaist,
I don't want you

doing anything
suspicious.

I want you carrying on

with your normal
daily routine.

First, you go to work.

Wait! Which is it?

Normal daily routine,
or go to work?

You're going to work and acting
as normal-like as possible.

Tip off the cops or anybody else
and I'll use

your family's
kidneys as tea bags.

[laughing]

Good heavens,
our lives depend on...

Duckman!!

[wailing]

Must save family.

Act normal,

like any other day.

[screaming]

So far, so good.

Cornbread, did you
take a bath?

Why, is there
one missing?

I ought to kick
your butt.

[door opens and closes]

So...

Hi, Duckman.

Wrong?

Who said anything was wrong?
Everything's fine.

Certainly everything at home
is fine.

What a strange question to ask.

What would possibly make you
think something was wrong?

What got into me?

Although, you have been here two
seconds and haven't yet perused

today's adult entertainment
industry trades.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.
Breasts, genitals, tongue.

I'm really aroused now.

[yawning]:
Well, Corny, I think

I'll kick off for the day.

Just mosey on home
for no other reason

than I live there, of course.

What has that she-beast done?

I didn't give her permission

to use my custom-made,
non-marking, bondage ropes.

If I see her, I'll...

[screams]

Please don't b*at me
anymore.

I'm running out of blood.

Whiles you was gone,
I started thinking.

You know what I haven't had
for all these long years?

Talcum powder?

Free checking?

A man.

Bet you'd look
purty in silk.

Fascinating non sequitur.

Sure, I may be
a psychotic k*lling machine,

but I'm still a woman.

Take me to your bed

or your family's
as dead as a herring.

[nervous chuckle]

My options, one more time?

Don't worry,

you'll thank me when I'm done.

Some torch songs might help
set the mood for us.

Bolero, Best of Bolero,

Bolero Beach Party,

Chipmunks Sing Bolero.

Uh...

Th-th-that one's very rare.

Now it's even rarer.

But enough foreplay.

Okay... okay...

just let me stretch a bit.

Nothing worse than a groin pull.

Right?

[humming]

Not bad.

[helicopter hovering]

Agnes Delrooney,
the house is surrounded.

Come out with your hands up.

Cavalry, thy name is Cornfed.

Come and get her, she's right...

here?

All right, don't move an in...

Uh-huh. So it's up to Duckman

to figure out which of you
is the dreaded Agnes.

[muffled shouting]

Oh, sure,
I could just take off your gags

and have you tell me
which is which,

but what better opportunity to
prove to you, once and for all,

that, as a detective,
I am without peer?

Also, I get a chance
to exploit a dramatic cliché.

[breaks wind]

[breaks wind]

Oh, impressive.

One of you is the Fred Travalena
of flatulence.

[breaking wind rhythmically]

Ah!
Entertaining and informative.

For only in... yours

did I hear a true "F" flat
in the first movement,

a note only Grandma-ma
has perfected.

Therefore,
you are Agnes Delrooney.

Take that...

Teach you to...

[g*n cocking]

Oops. Sorry, Grandma-ma,

but you needed the exercise.

[sirens wailing]

[g*ns cocking]

If they're shipping me
back to the big house,

it might as well be
for something good.

[breaks wind loudly]

Good night, nurse.

From the inflection
in your voice this morning,

I deduced that you and your
family were being held hostage

by a Grandma-ma look-alike.

Although this may prevent us

from running for office
someday, Dad...

We owe you an apology.

I don't know what's worse,
Duckman,

being held c*ptive
by a g*n-toting madwoman

or admitting
you saw through her facade.

I guess you do have some
detective ssss-skkkk...

Ah, don't hurt
yourself, Bernice.

I have the rest of my life
to rub it in your face.

The important thing right now
is we're all safe and secure.

Basking in the effervescence
that is Grandma-ma.

[cheering]

The real Grandma-ma
was sentenced

to three consecutive life terms

of hard labor
in a federal penitentiary

and is eligible for parole
in the year 2156.

Agnes Delrooney

continues to live
with the Duckman family.

As of this broadcast,

she and Duckman have not
consummated their relationship.

DUCKMAN:
Breasts, genitals, tongue.

AGNES:
Quit your bellyachin'.