03x20 - Cock Tales for Four

[bunniefuu]

[duck quacks]

[dog barking]

[tires screeching]

[dog whimpering]

Yeah, right!
I'm giving up an afternoon

of prime, grade "A,"
flat-on-my-face

self-induced
veg-out time

just to come out to
Wonder Bread Heights

and make chitchat
with total strangers

who probably think
they're better than me

just because they
make more money,

hold down steady jobs
put away savings

for their kids' futures
and aren't wanted by Interpol.

How can people
live like that?

Shut up and drive,
you urban cow patty!

We're doing this for Ajax

and until we get
the results back

from those blood tests
I commissioned,

you're still his father.

This is important to him.

You're about to meet
his new girlfriend's parents

and we're going
to do all we can

to make
the best impression possible.

Ha-rumph.

So, uh, Ajax, if
I'm going to meet

this new love
of your life

I might as well
know her name.

"Tommy."

[tires screeching]

Well, nice knowing you, son.

Not like I don't love you,
but you know how people are.

They'll assume that sort of
thing runs in the family

and, frankly, I got a tough
enough time picking up chicks

to begin with,
so good luck, be careful,

and maybe we'll see you on TV
sometime

lip-synching "Over the Rainbow"
at one of those pride parades.

Ajax, spell "Tommy"
for your father.

T-A-

M-M-Y.

"Tommy."

Well, what do you know?

Here we are right
at your little friend's house.

[doorbell chiming]

Who on earth would have
such an ominous sounding bell?

DUCKMAN:
King Chicken?!

Duckman.

You're on my turf,
walking decoy.

Fricassee your fryer,
tenderize your tips.

When I'm through
with you...

AJAX:
Excuse me.

Could you please tell me
where Tammy is?

Upstairs, second door
on the left.

Wait on her bed.

She's just getting out
of the shower.

Oh, talk tough now.

You couldn't have
planned this better.

[Bernice whistling]

[giggling]:
Hi, Kingy.

[laughing]:
Bernice.

I can't believe
your nephew

is Tammy's new
boyfriend.

You can't believe?
I'm getting nostalgic

for a few minutes ago
when he was gay.

Look, both of you,

can't you set aside
your death blood feud

for one afternoon

just for the sake
of the kids?

TAMMY:
Oh!

[Ajax groans]

Well, one
afternoon.
I guess so.

But the second we leave,
I'm peeing on their lawn.

Wait a second.

Ajax said we were meeting
Tammy's parents

with an "S."

You mean to tell me
all these years

after those many times
we were together

after I threw
my back out for you

you've been married?!

Bok-Bok-B-Bernice, please.

It's not what you think.

You see, my wife is...

[softly]:
dead.

Dead?

[sobbing]:
It was...

before we met.

I c-c... I can't tell you
the pain I've been through

trying to be an evil genius

and mother and father
to my little girl

especially as I remember holding
my beloved bride in my arms

while she took her last breath

and said her final
unforgettable words to me.

WOMAN:
Kingy Pie, is
that our guests?

It's a miracle.

She lives.

Why, you must be Ajax's family.

I'm King's wifey
through the week,

golf widow on the weekend.

Call me Honey.

And you are?

I'm, uh, Duckman

and this is my not-wifey,
Bernice.

Tell me, Honey,

would a bun in your oven
be honey baked?

[Duckman and Honey laughing]

[grunts]

Whoops. Have
to watch out

for those
involuntary
muscle spasms.

I know I will.

[laughs]

George Herbert
Walker Chicken,

where are
your manners?

Invite our guests
in for a drink.

Honey,

this man is
my arch nemesis.

I'll tolerate his presence
for Tammy's sake

but I will not have
a drink with him.

Oh, pshaw!

I don't even know
what an arch nemesis is,

but do come in.

King's always
throwing around

those two-dollar phrases.

It's "chief adversary" this,
"world domination" that,

but little ol' me can't make
heads or tails of it.

I just leave all that
man stuff to the man.

Pardon.

"Tommy" and I need some
canola oil, rope and a zucchini.

HONEY:
Try the kitchen,
sweetie.

Kids.

They're always
up to something.

I don't know
what everyone wants

but after one
of my sloe gin fizz specials

you won't either.

[laughing]

[all gulping]

Well, aren't we
three thirsty guffies.

Kingy, why don't you
put on some tunes?

You paid
a wing and a thigh

for that home
entertainment system.

You know, it's so revealing

to see the things a man
acquires for his home,

the things that
make him happy.

Not everything a man acquires
makes him happy,

especially if he didn't
comparison shop beforehand.

I know the perfect store
that has everything

in just the right
size and color.

Too bad it's no longer open.

I think said store
has forgotten

what an inconceivably
long shopping list

a certain customer has.

No. In fact, I think
a certain customer

should see a specialist
about a credit extension!

Well, I think...

Who gives a damn what
you think?!
Who gives a damn
what you think?!

HONEY:
Dinner.

I think this is going
to be a special evening.

[hiccups]

[chewing loudly]

What? I'm chewing.

Sometime tonight,
try swallowing.

And choking on it.

I can insult him myself,
thank you.

Yeah. ♪ Nee-ner,
nee-ner, nee-ner. ♪

Shut up!

I hope my casserole
isn't too dry.

I swear, with the range
and the Crock-Pot, microwave

and the FryBaby, you need to be
some kind of rocket scientist

to work out
all those little buttons.

And you're
no rocket scientist.

No, sir, I am not.

No, sir.

No, sir-ee, bob-bob-bob!

No!

Out of yams.
Need more.

I'll help.

There's more
in the thingamajigger.

[grunting in kitchen]

So, Kingy says
you're a d*ck.

Huh? What? What?

A private detective.

Isn't that what
they're called?

Oh, right.
Yeah. Yes, I am.

BERNICE:
Yes! Kingy, yes, yes, yes!

Do you like it?

Like it?

It sounds so... lonely.

Detective work.

[yelling]

KING:
You're on my ankle.

Okay. There.

Oh, yes!

Right there!

Uh... no.
I work with someone.

He's a pig.

My partner is a pig.

How nice.

I understand
they're very smart.

[yelling]

Adorable breakfront

with the complete
commemorative

famous-sports-heroes-
turned-K*llers plate collection.

I got those
to cheer up Kingy
on his big 3-0.

You know, you, uh, you
have a very lovely home.

What?

Your home--
it's very lovely!

Thank you.
I try my best.

[screaming]

[panting]

KING CHICKEN:
Wrong leg.

Sounds like you two looked
high and low for those yams.

Yams?

You know,
the yams you went in there for.

Hmm? Where are they?

You got all you need.

Apparently,
that makes threeof us.

Are you suggesting...

How dare you insult me
in front of my wife,

who's still dangerously
close to coherent.

How dare you come into my house
and suggest that I...

Dip your McNuggets

in something
other than Honey?

[screaming]

My morals
are beyond reproach.

And I'll brutally k*ll anyone
who says they're not.

We aren't children anymore.

I don't have to put up with your
abuse and your cruelty

and your taunting,

your turning me into the most
unpopular kid in school.

I should charge
for these sessions.

Look what you've done to me!

The Kramers next door

own a family
dry-cleaning business.

Jim Rosenthal across the street
is a C.P.A.

Winnie's in real estate.

By the way, lovely people

and their front lawn's
to die for.

But me!
I sit in a basement all day

thinking of ways
to take over the world.

Think we're car-pooling
to the P.T.A.?

I just wanted to belong.

To be one of the guys.

But I'd always end up
running home

laughed at, humiliated,
everyone hating me.

You couldn't know
what that's like!

I know exactly
what that's like!

I mean... well...

I know because...

after you ran home,
they always b*at me up.

Oh, what? That never
occurred to you?

That I was the second-most
unpopular kid in school?

That I made fun of you
so I could be one of the guys?

It was the only way
I got to feel what it was like

not to be the punching bag,
not to be the outcast myself.

And it's not like it's changed
much for me, either, you know.

I'm sorry.

[clears throat]

Excuse me,
Mr. and Mrs. Chicken.

Do you have barbecue tongs,
a buttered-up wicker bun pan,

and a towel we can throw away
when we're done?

Kitchen, dear.

Kids.

Tell me about it.

You do your best
and then you hope.

Exactly. Who knows if they grow
up on the side of good

or the embodiment of pure evil.

It's a crapshoot.

You said
a mouthful there.

Isn't that, though?

So...

Duckman, I
was wondering...

Maybe you'd like
to come downstairs

and see my office.

[gulps]
I... I guess so.

Sure.

Well, here we are,
my dark fortress,

nucleus of my deadly realm,

nexus of my horrific plots
to k*ll you

and destroy the planet.

Now don't judge.

I'm not through decorating.

Sweet!

Here, of course

is a rather special
section of the room.

You might recognize
a thing or two.

Well, well, well.

Is my face red.

The time spent!

The attention
to detail.

I don't know whether
to be frightened
or flattered.

[both laughing]

Oh, flattered, please.

I'll try not to wipe you
off the face of the earth

while you're a guest
in my house.

Appreciate it!
Bok-bok.

It isn't! From '78?

That whole giant
spinning wheel
of death thing?

Talk about a crime!

I can't believe
I wore those
platform shoes.

Look at my hair!

And those muttonchops!

My God! You should
have been k*lling me!

Hey, you have one
of those fun machines!

Guilty as charged.

It relaxes me

and it's great
around the holidays.

May I?
Go ahead.

[music playing]

[clearing throat]

[clearing throat]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[drunkenly]:
You want to
know a secret?

[both burping]

Sometimes, I wish
I was an evil genius

just like you

because let
me tell you

you are the best
in the biz, mister.

It means a lot

to hear you
drunkenly slur that,

'cause I never wanted
just to m*rder you.

I wanted your respech-t.

You're the one!

You're Dickman,
private duck.

You said a mouthful...

[burping]:
King Chicken.

[burping]:
Duckman!

[both guffawing]

I just want you to know

I love you, man.

I love you, too, man.

You know
what this means.

Not that.

It means we're friends.

[both burping]

[both laughing]

DUCKMAN:
Lactose intolerant.
Ben Vereen.

Guppies in
a trash compactor.

Uh... lactose tolerant.

Ben Johnson.

Guppies in a great big
trash compactor.

Time.
Time.

[all laughing]

What an amusing series
of errors.

No, compadre,
it was w*r and Peace.

A-ha. What's
w*r and Peace?

It's a book.

A-ha. What's a book?

[laughs]
Only kidding.

I used one to prop up a window
just last week.

Well, charades is not only
loads of provincial fun,

the built-in tension seems
to have sobered all of us up.

[clattering]

[cackling laughter]

Perhaps one more game.

George, thinks I have
a drinking problem

and I do...

I'm not plastered yet!

[laughing]

[chuckles nervously]

Duckman, I think it's just super
that you're here tonight.

I hear your name
around here so often--

cursed from
the downstairs office

screamed in the middle
of a sweat-soaked nightmare.

I've got an idea-- Scruples.

Doesn't ring a bell.
The game?

The word.

You answer questions

and everyone votes

on whether you're telling
the truth-- I'll show you.

"You're attracted to
someone who's married.

Do you act on that
attraction or not?"

You say, "of course not."

We all believe you
and we move on.

"You have a chance to cheat
on your wife of 17 years.

"Do you resist

"or do you reward
everything she's
given you

by betraying her
with a relative
of a sworn enemy?"

Getting the idea?

Oh!

My heavens, this won't do.

Duckman, help me walk.

She's only guessing.

She can feel
the electricity.

Oh, Kingy, all I want is
for you to get a divorce,

give up your
life-long dream,

settle down in a
god-forsaken sinkhole

and work long hours
at a poorly paid
service industry job

while I get old and fat
caring for my dead sister's
three children.

Is that too much to ask?

Bernice, the lure
of that lifestyle
is strong indeed.

Say, I've got
an idea.

While I work
on the divorce,

we can have sex
on the sly

while I keep having sex
with Honey

and never acknowledge
you in public.

[growling]

You, uh... you sure
the champagne's in here?

Oop. No.
Here it is.

Now, don't pop that cork
prematurely, Mr. Downy Buns.

[smacking]

Wait, wait, Mrs. Chicken,
we can't do this.

This is wrong.

If we did anything,
it would crush my
new best friend

and we'd both regret it
for the rest of our lives.

Of course, it's not like lives
are that long.

[moaning]

What the...?

What's going
on here?!

This is how
you carry on
a friendship?

Of course not.
I barely even like her.

Oh, you meant with you.

Look, I wouldn't have
gone through with it.

Another 20 or 30 minutes,
I would have put my foot down.

Nothing's changed,
has it, Dorkman?

You'd do anything
to humiliate me.

Anything it takes
to destroy my life.

Even if it means getting my wife

to violate
the sacred bonds of matrimony.

Quit crowing,
Mr. Cock-a-diddle-too.

You've been "violating"
our "sacred bonds"

for who knows
how many years.

I'm a man!

I mean... I have not.

I'm tired of your lies.

And I'm tired of slaving
over a hot stove while you have

your little cellulite-encrusted
tart for dessert.

Well, if I spent my life
as tanked up as you do,

I wouldn't want to go near
an open flame either.

Is that right?

Well, maybe
Susie Homewrecker here

would like to help out.

Why don't you dip yourself
in flour

and make a skank biscuit?

Blow it out your Jell-o mold,
Betty Crock-o-sh...

Shut up!

This is your fault, Duckman.

Everything was fine
until you ruined it,

you teeth-sucking boor.

Don't blame me,
you rug-wearing
suburban psycho.

Scrawny yellow
hockey stick.

Chrome dome.

Hostess humper.

George Herbert Walker!

My name is King!

That's it.

It's over.

I am once again
dedicating my life

to taking over the world

and destroying you
in the process.

And I mine!
To you.

Egad! You can't even
banter properly.

We're on opposite sides
of what's right, Chicken.

It's clear to me
we could never be friends.

For the last time
in our lives, we agree.

This friendship
is deceased.

HONEY:
Good.

I'm not a big fan of change.

You see, I realized
some time ago

that I wasn't going to have
a life I could be proud of

so I promised myself
a life I could hang on to.

King's happiest when
he's hating Duckman.

He's downstairs, he's working--

everything's in its place.
I like that.

When you have
very little,

you hold tight
to the things
that are there.

Which is why I
also made sure

he signed
a prenuptial
agreement

promising me
everything
if he leaves.

Can you imagine
the things I had to do

to get him
to sign that?

The point being, he's
not going anywhere.

My Kingy's life
is his work and me.

Other people are too
big a risk for us,

and I do what I have to
to keep them out.

So, now that we all
understand each other,

I think we'll assume that except
in the course of their careers

as bitter arch enemies,

none of us will ever
see each other again.

Agreed?

Dad, Aunt Bernice,
I really like "Tommy."

I hope we can
come back soon.

Dad? Aunt Bernice?

KING CHICKEN:
Lovely people, and their
front lawn's to die for.