04x13 - Love! Anger! Kvetching!

[bunniefuu]

Duckman...

Duckman...

Duck...

Sorry, Corny, I thought
you were Bernice.

Hey-hey, completely dry.

I am in control.

That's a good omen for
tonight's poker game.

Did you bring the stuff?

New clothes,
aftershave, a comb...

the hair doodad
with the spikes.

Duckman, was your calling
and asking me

to sneak these things in
through the window

part of a sleazy scheme?

Yowza!

Come here, I'll show you.

Corny, if we're having
the game here tonight,

this duck's
got to put on the dog

to impress a lady.

You're trying to
impress Bernice?

No, not Bernice...
that girl.

Anotheridentical sister?

To suddenly discover the
existence of a twin sibling--

can you imagine
how Bernice feels?

Probably like old cheese,
but let's stay focused, okay?

Now that Bernice
is off being a congresswoman

in our nation's capital, uh...
Congressville,

I've got a chance I haven't had
since the seventh grade.

To date fifth-grade girls?

Good guess, but no.

I'm in perfect position for

the "lie to the substitute
teacher" gambit,

which I mastered
under the nom de sub--

"Michael Hunt."

You were the best.

But what does this have to do
with Beverly?

Ever since Bernice

crawled out of her tar pit
and into my life,

I've been persona non testes.

Now that she's gone,

I will rise from the ashes
like a Tucson.

But first, I got to lay down

a heavy dusting of "snow job"
on Mount Beverly.

I'll just dazzle her
with the famous Duckman charm.

And that charm
is famous... where?

You know, frankly,
it's that attitude

that's kept you
from getting a spinoff.

Now, watch and learn.

[with British accent]:
Ah, good morrow, gentle Vic.

I think it was
the poet, Yeats,

who said, "Morning has broken
the first blackbird

in the dead of night."

Talk about blank verse.

It's from The Big Book
of Psychotic Nonsense."

Ow.

You, I like.

Hi, I'm Bev.
I'm Cornfed.

You wear it well.

Hey, what's with
William F. Duckley?

"William F. Duckley!"

Ho-ho! Oh, my,
you are a treasure.

[laughing]:
No, no, no, my dear,

this is how I always dress
in the A. of M.

All just part of being
the Lord of the Manor

allowed to do whatever I want,

whenever I want, anytime I want,

all the time, always.

[chuckles]

Oh... by the way...

tonight, I'm having
a few chums over for poker,

but let's not mention it
to Bernice.

It would just break her heart
if she couldn't be here

to make Rice Krispie squares.

[laughing loudly]

[laughter dying down]

Funny thing.

This is a note from Bernice
saying you might try

to con me into breaking
her list of house rules.

She calls it her
"Duckman don'ts and don'ts."

[crying loudly]

[stops crying]

All right, all right...

you can have your
poker game here, okay?

Duckman charm.

Gets them every time.

Well, said charm
notwithstanding,

Bernice's rules
do seem a tad... fascist,

so let's just
put the rules aside,

and I'll treat you
like a responsible adult.

[singsongy]:
I get treated like an adult!

I get treated like an adult!

[clearing throat]:
I... I mean... very well.

All right,
so who's playing
in this big game?

Only the coolest guy
in the world-- Mr. Bob Guccione!

I guess he couldn't resist

my relentless fawning
and harassment

because he's coming here
tonight!

So, in addition to inviting
all my friends-- a.k.a. Corny--

I've also got
some big stars coming,

so he'll see the kind
of hoi I polloi with.

This is the first time I've had
company over the house,

and I'm going to make it
the best night of my life!

Well, I hope it's Guccio-tastic.

Yeah, he...

Say, you're not going
to start spewing anti- Penthouse

anti-fun, femi-nerd
yammajamma, are you?

No, no, not at all.

If I make you
give up Penthouse,

then to be consistent,

I've got to give up Playgirl

and, uh, I am
not doing that.

No way. Uh-uh.

Nopey, nope, nope, nope.

You know, I-I think I'll
just go back to my room

and, um... unpack.

Yeah, I have to do
some unpacking.

[Bernice running away,
door closes]

[snickering]

Hmm. For a second,
that looked like...

Nah... can't be.

[doorbell rings]

[screams]

See? I told you,
there is something
scary about that door.

Trust me, pure evil is out
there, and we gotta hide!

Corny and the boys, grab
canned food and bottled water

and get in the basement!

Bev, get some candles
and flashlights

and batteries--
all we've got!

Speaking of which,
bring those Playgirls, too.

We may be forced to rely on you
for crude amusement.

[chuckling]

Oh, this is ridiculous.

What the hell
took you morons so long?

You're in here chatting,

I'm out here
playing with my yuga.

"Evil" is only
mild exaggeration.

This is Mo Dorkin,
Duckman's uncle

and only living relative.

Will someone please
tell babe here

that I'm not deaf?

I'm very sorry.

We have been rude.

I'm Bev, and as it happens,
I'm the long-lost...

Oh, please,
go slower.

I want to make this
a whole chapter
in my diary.

I cannot believe
you're here!

I mean, you got
big stones, Mo,

I'll give you that!

I hate you
and you hate me

and that system's been
working out just fine!

So don't take this
the wrong way,

you puckered-up
old hamster hole,

but get lost!

Still got a way
with words, huh?

Well, I got
a news flash, yutz.

I'm here
and I ain't leaving.

And what's more,
you can't throw me out.

Ha! You're crazy!

Maybe, but I'm also dying.

Yes, that's right-- dying.

And soon.

Doc says my heart
could go anytime,

and until then, you've got
a sacred duty to take me in.

Why?

Because I'm family!

Mo, I'd love to stand around
talking with you,

but these last few minutes
have reminded me

why I never stand around
talking with you.

So good-bye, have a good death

and don't let the big red door
hit you on your way into hell.

Well, okay, if that's
the way you want it,

I understand.

I'll just go
somewhere else.

Good. Nothing
brightens a room

like your absence.

Perhaps in
the afterlife,

I'll be reunited
with Cousin George.

Well, bye now.

Uh, Mo, wait a sec.

We're, uh...
we're going to have

a little family conference
in the kitchen.

Cornfed here
will keep you company

until we get back.

Reading the paper?

No, I'm landing
the space shuttle.

Buckle up.

Look at this,
I'm talking to trayf.

Shh!

We just redid our
genealogy website,

thanks to aunt Beverly.

How many more surprise
relatives do we have?

I'm not so much let down
as I am disappointed.

He's always been
a miserable old jerk,

but now he's got me by the short
and yellows, and he knows it.

Why? And who's Cousin George?

He and my Uncle Ted
never got along.

When Ted was dying,
he asked George to take him in,

but George said no.

So before he d*ed,
Ted put a curse on George

and said George
would meet certain doom.

And?

And...

he invested
in the Go-Go's reunion tour.

[gasps]

And if that wasn't
bad enough,

he got run over by the Go-Go's
tour bus and k*lled... dead.

And since that fateful day,

no one in my family dares
to turn away a dying relative

for fear of the curse of Ted.

I'm stuck with Sir Kvetch-a-lot

until he's safely
six feet under.

He is still your uncle,

and you should view
this as an opportunity

to forge a bond between
your past and your future.

But what about the game?!

Oh, come on.

What is he--


He'll be fast asleep

by the time
your game gets going.

MO:
Actually, I do
go to sleep early.

Hey, were you eavesdropping?

Don't kid yourself.

These walls aren't
exactly made of titanium.

Boys, to your rooms.

Whether I k*ll him
or just cry like a woman,

I don't want you to see it.

So, what's your decision?

Maybe if you pamper me,

I'll fall asleep
before it starts.

So you got to ask
yourself one question:

Do I feel lucky?

Well, do ya... Eric?

All right! You can stay!

But you'd better fall
asleep before that game.

I'm yawning already.

Now let's get down
to the business at hand

and foot.

Waiting on me.

You...

Ugh!

Oh, oh, my God!

This is a nightmare!

No human body could
produce a stench like this!

You got that right.

Before I put on my shoes,

I soaked my feet in
pureed herring and manure

just for you.

Hurry! I feel
my cuticles wilting.

Lower.

Lower!

Ow! Eh, eh, ow!

Ooh, ow.

Th-That stupid brush
is too rough

for my most
sensitive skin.

We need something
as soft as your hair.

Well, this is the only brush

we have.

Maybe you didn't hear me.

We need something
as soft as your hair.

No, you can't mean...

I don't under...

What's not to understand?

I would like you
to rub soap in your hair

and then use your head
to scrub my tochis.

[teeth chattering]

[screaming]

MO:
I'm still awake!

Ah, Ajax, Mambo, Chance...

Charles.

Whatever.

I'll dry off and I'll
be back for your rubdown.

Maybe that'll put you to sleep.

Oh, please, please,
God, go to sleep.

Hurry up, you moron.

I'm stuck here
with Tweedledum, Tweedledumber

and
Tweedle-What-a-Friggin'-Moron.

Huh?

Now get lost, will ya?

And take Stimpy with you.

[water dripping slowly]

[dripping gets louder]

Dah!

You know I ain't
gonna sleep.

You could give me
a rubdown,

an enema, a Taiwanese
tongue job,

I'll still humiliate
you tonight.

No, no!

Yes, yes, you are screwed.

And these Tums
are expired.

Dah!

Ow!

MO:
You still
in the john?

Come on already!

MAN ON TV:
A dime.

This stranger gave me a dime.

This stranger
gave me a dime.

[yelling and grunting]

[muffled yelling]

Sleepy yet?!

Now the runway is cleared
for the arrival of Air Guccione.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

My mother of
all poker games is saved.

[doorbell rings]

Let the games begin!

I'll get it.

Thanks, Mo.
Appreci...

[yells]

Hello, Dopey,
Snoozy and Blabby.

You didn't think
I'd sleep

through the big night,
did you?

How did you get
out of the sack

and the chains
and the trunk and the... ?

I've ticked off a lot
of people in my life.

You know how many times I've
been bagged, chained and locked

in a steamer trunk?
At this point,

I could escape
blindfolded--

oh, you forgot
to blindfold me.

[doorbell rings]
I'll get it.

I hope that's Guccione.
I have a lot to say to him.

No!

Hello, Rube.

Hey, M.C. Cor-nee

and Rapmaster D.,

I hope you brought
plenty of cash

for the kitty must be fed.

Duckman, what gives?

You assured me that the great
Joe Walsh would be in attendance

and that I'd get a clear sh*t

at signing him
to Def Mute Records.

No, don't worry,
Joe will be here.

I should hope so.

Bernice!

Hel-lo.

You have certainly dolled up
since last we met.

Oh, um... I'm Bernice's
sister Beverly.

Oh, Rube Richter.

Def Mute Records.

Please forgive
my confusion, Beverly.

Your sister
is a lovely girl.

She has, uh... very strong
teeth and fetlocks.

And who have we here?

He's Uncle Mo,
he's fine.

Hey, Rube, let me
fix you a drink.

I'll take a drink.

You know how to make
a fruit cordial?

[laughing]

JOE:
Hey, how you doing?

Joe! Come in.
Thanks for coming.

Hey, my pleasure.

My pleasure.

Man, Duckman,
you got to do something

about your driveway.

It's completely
grown over with grass.

CORNFED:
Uh, Joe,

that's not the driveway.

You parked on Ben Stein's lawn.

Oh, that must have been
the guy who was yelling

and jumping up and down.
I-I get it now--

he was yelling,
"You're on my lawn!
You're on my lawn!"

I thought he was asking me
to play "all night long."

Joe, I'm Mo Dorkin,
Duckman's uncle.

Now, now, Mel,

let someone else talk
to Joe for a change.

Joe, Rube Richter,
Def Mute Records.

Oh, good.

Joe, we'd love to have you
join our family of artistes

because at Def Mute,

we don't see you as "numbers
on a balance sheet."

Rather, we see you as
"product to be merchandised."

[doorbell rings]

Must be Guccione.
I'll get it.

No, that's okay.

I got it.

Listen, you vicious
old blood clot--

one insult,
one ethnic slur,

one clammy off-putting remark,
and I'll...

And you'll what?

Joe, let me get that.

No, no, I got it.

$20 for you...
no, make it 30.

Here's thirty bucks.
There you go.

Wow, thanks... Mr. Geffen.

Hey, is it
my fault

he's careless
with his wallet?

[all laughing]

[doorbell rings]

MO:
Oh, boy, that must be Bob.

Whoa!

[crashing]

Oh! Oh, no!

I'm so sorry.

Bob, welcome
to my house.

BOB:
Uh, thanks, thanks.

Say, who's
that woman?

My sister-in-law,
Beverly.

Beverly?

Of course, Beverly!

October 1989.

[chuckling]

Well, anyway, thank you
for inviting me.

I don't ordinarily go
to the homes of total strangers

whom I know
to be deranged or obsessive.

But what can I say?
I love poker.

Bob Guccione,
this is Rube Richter

of Def Mute Records.

Yo!

[softly]:
This is my Uncle Mo

and Cornfed,
my partner.

And this is
Joe Walsh--

the man
with the magic fingers.

Gentlemen,
this is Bob Guccione--

the man who helped make
my fingers magic.

That's an image
I won't easily shake.

Whoo-hoo!

[laughing and whooping]:
"Easily shake"!

Oh, God,
that's marvelous.

Whoo-hoo! My!

Well, enough talk.

Let's play.

Waah!

This is gonna be
a great night.

What do I mean,
"gonna be"?

It's already
a great night.

Right, Bob, you having fun?
It's great, right?

Sure, great.

Duckman, calm down.

Hey, Mo,
aren't you going to play?

No! No room! No room!

Of course there's room.

Here, Mo--
you sit next to me.

Why, thank you.

How do you make a fruit cordial?

Well, you...
Hey, I know,

let's forget about cards.

We'll light up some cigars

so we can put in our mouths
so we can't talk

and we'll watch triple-X videos,
huh?

To be honest,
the last thing I want to do

after a hard day at the office

is look
at beautiful, naked women.

No, trust me, it'll be fun.

Much better than talking,
you'll see.

Hey, I don't want
to be rude,

but are we going
to play cards or not?

Duckman, Bob wants
to play cards.

Oh. Oh, okay.

I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll,
I'll, I'll, I'll deal.

[yelps]

[clanging]

[panting]

Well, this is certainly awkward.

Mo, how could you?!

Me?! You did it yourself.

Every time I think
you can't get stupider,

you always surprise me.

I'm going to love staying
here and torturing you.

I only wish I didn't have
to get cancer to do it.

Hey, when you first got here,
you said it was your heart.

Now it's cancer!

You've been lying
this whole time?!

No, I am dying.

I can explain.

[sharp groan]

Uh-oh.

Correction: This is awkward.

Eric, must tell you.

Come closer.

Closer...

closer!

Aah!

What a putz.

Now, I know what kind of man
reads Playboy.

[bagpipes
playing "Amazing Grace"]

[audio tape reversing]

Ajax, don't touch that.

Dearly beloved, family,
friends, paid mourners,

we are here to bury
my Uncle Mo Dorkin

who was taken from us
by heart cancer,

a disease that-- I got to
admit-- I had never heard of

until I caused him
to die from it.

I will know better next time.

Mo was not famous or gifted
or smart or decent or kind.

We are not here
because we loved him.

Mostly, we are here
because Bernice made us come.

Also, we want to see
with our own eyes

that he is really dead

and will not jump
out of the coffin

or stick his hand up
out of the ground

like in Carrie,
when Amy Irving...

Get on with it!

Right. Usually,
when a loved one kacks,

we try to hold him here,
in our hearts.

Or, if you're
from the southern hemisphere--

here.

But who's going to miss Mo?
Not me.

Let's face it,
he was an irritating, obnoxious,

arrogant, selfish...

Hey, wait.
That's what it said

under my high school
yearbook photo.

I'm... I'm just like Mo.

And if I don't
clean up my act,

I'll end up just like Mo--

lying in a cheap
balsa wood casket,

unmissed and...
and unloved.

Duckman...

you're forgetting
something--

you have a family
and friends

who will always love you

no matter how big
a jerk you are.

So, bottom-line me, Bev.

I don't have
to try to be nicer?

Well, I mean, you don't have to,
but it certainly...

Fantastic! All right,
let's wrap this up

and plant this bastard.

And what better way

than with a song I wrote
in Mo's honor

sung by Mr. Joe Walsh.

Give it up!

[To the tune of
"Life's Been Good"]:
♪ My name is Mo

♪ And I was an old man

♪ It took me hours

♪ To go to the can

[popping]

♪ Time made me deaf

♪ Made it harder to see

♪ Enlarged my prostate

♪ So I couldn't pee ♪

♪ I was a mean
and vindictive old guy ♪

♪ Nobody liked me

♪ Not hard to see why

[clinking]

♪ Heaven can take me

♪ It really still can

♪ If all of you girls
will sleep with Duckman ♪

♪ Lucky I'm dead
after all I've been through ♪

♪ Everybody say "oy vay!" ♪

ALL:
♪ Oy vay ♪

♪ I can't complain ♪

♪ But sometimes I still do

♪ Life was good to me
till now... ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

Ah, good.