04x23 - How to Suck in Business Without Really Trying

[bunniefuu]

[muffled talking]

MAN:
Now that Variecom
has acquired and/or merged

with all of our competitors,

we need a new property.

A lovable and
enchanting character.

Now I know how successful
Unca-Taffy-Tom-Tom has been

since Variecom was founded.

[laughing]

[gasping]

Well, I think we all see
the potential problem.

We need a new character,
and pronto.

Our sophisticated audience
research computer

randomly generated
a wisecracking detective

with a pig partner
and a wacky family-- Duckman.

[all grumbling]

One small problem from legal.

Turns out there really
is a guy named Duckman,

who more or less matches
our character's profile.

We've got to figure out

how to get this guy
to sign his life away.

MAN:
Excuse me, sir.

Art DeSalvo, free-lance
PR consultant

down here in the cheap seats.

I just mightbe able
to help you with that.

[chuckling]

[laughing harder]

[all laughing]

[gasping]

Oh, dear.

Cornwilliker, you know
that pile of cash

you gave me to spend
any way I saw fit?

You mean the money
to pay the rent?

Ha! Curious phrase.

Well, it was burning
a Brando-sized hole in my pocket

so I went and bought
the first frivolous piece

of electronic gadgetry I saw.

Behold!

My new high-definition,
DSS ready,

Alyssa Milano-compatible,
PAL-compliant,

digitally adaptable,
letter-box-conformed,



in glorious mini-color.

Hmm.

Ay!

Piece of junk!

MAN:
Ow!

Hey, some dork threw away a TV
that just needs batteries.

Suh-weet!

Duckman, aren't you worried

about these
long-overdue bills?

Of course I am.

That's why I called
the shopping channel

and ordered this faux-pressboard
long-overdue-bill caddy.

Okay, it's handy.

But why did you order

that tipsy hobo
cowboy figurine

from the Gene Barry
Frontier Collection?

What? Look at it!

I mean, he's
a cowboy hobo

and he's tipsy.

Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.

[giggling]

Duckman, you have
no money at all.

Your creditors
are growing impatient.

Your phony spinal
meningitis excuse

won't keep the repo men
away forever.

Ah, keep your hackles
combed, Corn Syrup.

If I need money, I'll
just sell something

like, uh...

my immortal soul.

[distant screaming]

Eh... I'll pass.

Damn. Worked for
Cybill Shepherd.

Duckman, you've got to stop
this senseless spending.

Work harder
to generate business.

Write out a budget
you can stick to.

Uh, have you seen the show
before?

All I need is some easy fix
that will tide me over

with some quick
and greasy moolah.

You rang?

[applause]

[applause stops]

I love this thing.

Art DeSalvo!

Ask for it by name.
Duckman!

Friend, neighbor, I was in the
building to see my podiatrist--

my spring corn-scrape and all--

and with my ear
pressed against your door,

I couldn't help overhearing
about your financial problems.

It makes me violently,
gut-churningly ill

to see you hassled by creditors!

Those stinking, low-life
bill collectors are scum,

harassing decent people!

Who don't pay
their bills.

[growling]

An excellent question,
Duckman!

Thank you. Huh?

The answer
is simple.

With the right promotion,

your name and persona
could be worth a fortune.

Tell me--

have you ever considered
selling yourself?

You mean like as part
of some kind of sex ring?

Duckman, I think what
Mr. DeSalvo is referring to

is the licensing
of your image

as part of an all-out,
cross-platform
marketing campaign.

Hey, let's not give up on
the sex ring thing just yet.

Maybe with you and me, Corny--

kind of a Siegfried and Roy,
spangled tights kind of deal.

Maybe a swing.
Just sign here

and you'll never have
to worry about money again,

because you'll receive...

$1,000!

Ooh, yeah!

I can't wait!

Hey, why does it
say $200,000 here?

Oh, uh, that's Latin.

"200" is Latin for "one."

Careful, Duckman.

You know Art has always been
a fast-talking,

deeply cynical
and completely amoral manipu...

Infidel!

How dare you
confuse Duckman
with your blasphemy!

Don't listen to him.

Go for it!

Oops, sorry, Corny.

You made a good argument,

but he said "Go for it."

That's what people
in the movies say

when they're about to do
something really successful.

I did it.

I did it!

By God, I did it!

♪ I've finally made it ♪

♪ My dream has come true

♪ I've finally made it ♪

♪ The rest of you losers,
good-bye, toodle-oo ♪

♪ Just bear
in mind ♪

♪ That the contract
you signed ♪

♪ Has a teeny
little catch ♪

♪ That I guess you
failed to catch ♪

♪ I knew it

♪ Knew you'd do it ♪

♪ You'd fake and you'd take ♪

♪ You're a snake,
for God's sake ♪

♪ You're to blame ♪

♪ What's your game? ♪

♪ I'm sorry you came ♪

♪ It's always the same ♪

♪ We're going to bring...
a lawsuit ♪

♪ Wait, you old coot

♪ The question is moot

♪ Who the hell gives a hoot

♪ I got a lifetime of loot

♪ Yes, a lifetime of loot

Hah!
♪ I've finally made it ♪

♪ My dream has come true

♪ I've finally made it ♪

♪ It's the ultimate
lazy man's coup ♪

♪ Ah, what a glorious morn-o

♪ I could spend it
with p*rn ♪

♪ 'Cause it's just
what I'm achin' to do ♪

♪ Or I could
just go get blotto ♪

♪ That would sure
hit the spot-o ♪

ALL:
♪ My dream of all dreams
has come true ♪

♪ Has come true ♪

♪ Yes, I've finally ♪

♪ He's finally ♪

♪ I've finally ♪

♪ He's finally ♪

♪ I've finally made... ♪

♪ However, there's
one thing to remember ♪

♪ The name
of Duckman... ♪

Is now the intellectual
property of Variecom,

and you are enjoined
from ever using it

in reference
to yourself.

Also all properties bearing
the name "Duckman"

now belong
to Variecom,

including but
not limited to

the Duckman
Detective Agency!

Take 'er away!

[engine starting]

I did it again,
didn't I?

Mm-hmm.

Stupid welfare office.

Apparently, they only help
people with names.

Now look at me-- my identity's
stolen, my agency destroyed.

Well, they're not going
to get away with this!

The proud name of Duckman

has been in my family
for generations.

I got it from my father,
he got it from his father,

and he got it from
the Justice Department.

I don't care what
Variecom says.

They're not my boss!

My name is Duckman

and there's nothing
they can do about it.

[growling]

[grunting, blows landing]

Then again,
a contract is a contract.

[grunts]

I'm sorry,
Duckma... Eric.

But look at the
bright side.

At least you got some
money out of the deal.

Please tell me you didn't do
anything stupid with the money.

Beverly, please, you insult me.

If you must know,

Muriel, my psychic pal,

told me to send
the money to her

so she could exorcise
any bad demons

that might live within.

Thank goodness
I still have TV.

[moans]

[theme music playing]

[whimsical music plays]

[electrical crackling]

I'll stick my finger
in here.

Careful, Duckman,
that wall socket's

chock-full
of electricity.

Thanks, Oinky!

That would have been
[electrical crackling] shocking.

You're no dim
bulb. Hee hee!

[laughs]

You know, g*ng,
electricity is great,

especially when it comes

from the parent company
of this network, Variecom.

VT-- we bring
great stuff to you.

What the heck
are you staring at?

[laughing]

[bell dings]

[whimsical music plays]

Hey, kids.

You love me?

Sure, you do.

If I die, that'd be sad.

The only way to keep me alive

is to order lots of official
Variecom-licensed

Duckman merchandise,

all backed by our exclusive
virtual guarantee

and manufactured
by boys and girls just like you.

That is, if you have
a distended belly

and flies on your lips
and work 16 hours a day

for some white rice
and expired Tagamet.

[laughing]

Remember, kids,

tell your parents
or legal guardians,

"If you don't get me Duckman,
I won't love you anymore,"

and then have them call


Remember, the extra "one"
stands for love.

I've never seen anything
so thoroughly reprehensible;

so utterly without any...

Oh, please, Duckman,
don't die!

Eric, hang up the phone.

Oh, wow, those Variecom sharpies
are good all right,

but maybe the Duckman thing
will be a big flopola

and then they'll give me
my name back.

Don't tell me-- Duckmania
is sweeping the country.

Like Roseanne in a
long grass skirt.

Don't worry,

The-Artist-Formerly-
Known-As-Duckman.

It's just a passing fad,
one that will pass

in approximately
ten years.

Of course, then it
will be stamped
retro kitsch

by the next generation,

thus renewing its
appeal indefinitely.

But how'd they do this
so quickly?

They only bought
my name last week.

Variecom made the Duckman
phenomenon the cover story

on the hundreds of magazines
they own.

So the hundreds of magazines
Variecom doesn't own

ran "Is Duckman
just media hype?" covers,

which really cranked up
the media hype.

The only non-Duckman cover
was Readers Digest

which went with
"How to talk straight

to your teenager
about dungarees."

[ringing]

Hello.

WOMAN:
Hi. Is Duckman there?

Yes, well, uh, I mean, no, he...

[caller shrieks with laughter]

What the...
Bernice, is that you?

I don't know.

It depends on
if I was a complete idiot

and sold my name!

[shrieking laughter]

What am I going to do?

They shut down our agency,
stole our very livelihood.

We're broke!

Well, uh, actually,
if you recall,

I used to play keyboards
for a Flock of Seagulls.

Since the '80s are hot again,

I rang up Splice, Fleabo,
Trevor and the other lads.

[gasps]

We've got
a 28-city tour

with Men at Work
Without Hats.

See you in September, Eric.

Are you okay?

No. No, Bev,
I'm great.

I'm going to do
what Oinky did.

I'll just find
a new occupation.

Anything is possible.

After all,
this is America

where anyone
can make their dreams come true

as long as they're not black.

I've begged, I've stolen.

God forgive me,
I even became an actor.

It's no use.

I'll have to rely
on the Eric née Duckman clan

learning to live frugally.

Dahh!

Oh, this is awkward.

Sorry, Dad.

Yeah. What can we say?

When it comes to
rampant consumerism,

we're not made
of stone.

It doesn't change
how we feel about you.

Yeah, Dad.
I love you.

That's love with a capital one.

[rumbling]

First my name.

Then my business.

Now my very home.

What am I going to do?

[car door shuts, engine starts]

[tires squealing]

Have no fear, Eric.

DeSalvo to the rescue!

I like what you've
done with the place.

The interplay between the
empty space and pockets

of nothingness
is very Southwestern.

Get to the point.

You're right.

Well, as your friend,

I can't stand to see
you suffering like this,

and as your neighbor,

it makes it
a little hard

to enjoy my Count
Chocula, you know?

Get to the point!

I got you a job.
Really?

I had to b*at the bushes,
pull a few strings,

call in some markers,

collect on a couple
of favors,

put my ear to the ground,

get rough
with my snitches.

Well, okay, actually, I just had
my assistant make a phone call,

but it's the result that counts.

Do you have
what it takes

to turn
yourself around,

to make your family
swell with pride

while delighting
the world around you?

To enter the noblest,
most delightful profession

of all time?

Yes. Yes, I do. Yes, I do!

Then tell me,
what is your name?

Uh, Eric?

Wrong!

From this day forward,
your name is...

Duckman!

DUCKMAN:
I can't believe Variecom

pays all these people
to dress up like the former me

and that they run
this corporate training center

college-type thingy
to teach us how to do it.

Oh, what the hell.

If I can't be the real real me,
maybe I'll make some dough

impersonating an imitation
of the imitation real real me.

[dramatic music plays]

What sort of things
are known of Duckman?

What sort of things
are believed of Duckman?

Look on these things
so that ye shall know them

and so that ye shall achieve
always.

Who...

are...

you?!

ALL:
Duckman!

I can't hear you.

ALL:
Duckman!

[crowd cheering]

People have come up to me
after my lectures and asked,

"Dr. Bob, how can I become
a Duckman achiever?"

Please don't call on me,
please don't call on me,

please don't call on me...

Look around you.

Come on, everyone, look at
the person to your right.

Look to your left.

Of the three of you,

only two will succeed
at Duckman College.

The third will excel.

[crowd cheering]

Yes. Yes, I can.

Where's the rest of me?

Leading with my chin. Whoo!

But all of you
are absolutely vital

to the success
of this great adventure--

from the assistant apprentice
janitor's assistant

all the way up
to senior vice president

in charge of dumping
unsafe Duckman products

in Third World nations.

From the busboys
at our Duckman-- dwaaah--

eat-till-you-spew
lunch counters,

to the man or woman who runs

the hydraulic fat extruders
at the Duckman bakeries,

to the Duckman personal area
cleansing technicians

at our Duckman Home
for Vegetative Senior Citizens,

to the boy who tastes my food
before I eat it.

Every single menial,
mindless job is important

because each one of us
is Duckman

and Duckman is each one of us--
so to speak!

[crowd cheering]

What's your name?

I'm Duckman.

What's your name?

Duckman.

What's your name?

Duckm...

I mean, uh... Eric.

Your name is Duckman.

I can't.

I mean, uh...

[yells]

Ooh, ooh, stop!

What's your name?

Duckman.

[electrical crackling]

AUDIENCE:
Ah...

Yes. Yes, Lord,
I am Duckman.

♪ I've finally made it ♪

♪ My dream has come true

♪ I've finally made it ♪

Hey, how are ya?

Nice to see ya.

♪ I've gotta succeed ♪

♪ I'm... gonna... ♪

♪ Suc...

[sobbing]

The company's downsizing.

We're all fired.

[moaning]

Say, wait a minute--
we can't give up.

Remember what Dr. Bob said?

Okay, Dr. Bob
said a lot of things

and they're kind of
tough to remember.

But one thing I know-- we're not
quitters, we're Duckman!

And we don't let little things
like being fired get in our way.

We never let our little things
get in our way.

Let 'em take my job, my home,
my family, my partner, my name.

They'll never take my...

Wait. What's left?

My me!

Yes, I still got me--

the original magnificent
bastard.

I'm back, baby,

and that puny little world
out there better look out,

'cause I'm going to Variecom
to get my name back.

♪ I'm gonna succeed! ♪

He's right.

I'm going to go
tell my wife

I want to have sex
twice a month.

Yeah.
And I'm going to go to NBC

and demand new episodes
of Cheers.

And I'm going to go home,

cover my windows
with Bible pages,

shave my head, buy some g*ns

and go k*ll everyone
who ever treated me bad.

[cheering]

Somewhere in that
rococo phallus of a building

is the head cheese
of this outfit,

and I'm going to march right in
and get my name back.

[door opens]

What th...?

Who are you?
What are you doing here?

Excellent question,
Colonel Baltic Von Pennybags.

I'm Duckman.

Oh, you're one
of those Duckman mascots.

Boy, we've got to rework
those costumes.

That's not right at all.

This isn't a costume.
I am Duckman!

Your lackey DeSalvo tricked me
into selling me to your company.

I was treated
like a commodity,

like stainless steel
adjustable scrotum clamps,

or triple-X black market
German nudist videos,

or that stuff they put in cars
to make 'em go.

The point is, for a while there,
I lost my identity,

my sense of who I am
and what I stand for.

People are not human resources

or work force units
or intangible assets.

They're people, and they want
to take pride in what they do,

so when they retire,
they can say

"I did something that mattered

and the people I worked for
noticed and appreciated it."

That was beautiful.

Your eloquent speech, filled
with homespun common sense

and concisely presented,
has moved me.

Really?

I hereby
give you your name back.

From now on, you--

and only you--
are Duckman.

What about the cartoon and
the merchandise and everything?

We'll just go to the next
audience-tested name

on our list:
Bernice.

We should talk.

Give me a call later.

I'm in the book
under "Duckman."

That's right: Duckman.

I got my identity back.

I got my name back.

♪ I've finally made it ♪

♪ My dream has come true

♪ I'm Duckman,
I'm Duckman, I... ♪

Hey, some guy named
George S. Aronovitz

dropped a wallet
full of money.

That's me! Right here!
I'm George S. Aronahanna.

That's my wallet.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah.
Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

That's me! Hup, hup, hup.

[Duckman laughing]

Right here.
Yippee-yi-ki-yi!

DeSALVO:
Ask for it by name.