(SYSTEM BEEPING)
COMPUTER:
Warning, Object approaching.
Warning.
(GASPS)
COMPUTER:
Power crystal identified.
MOLLI: (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Oh, my gods!
Oh my God!
(CHUCKLES)
COMPUTER:
Activating tractor beam.
MOLLI:
Yes. I got you, baby.
COMPUTER:
Warning, incoming projectile.
-Evasive action required.
Come to mama.
(SPACESHIP HORN HONKING)
MOLLY:
Oh, my gods!
-(GASPS)
-(expl*si*n)
-Oh, my gods! Oh, my gods!
-COMPUTER: Warning.
-Oh, my gods! Oh, my gods!
-Warning, warning, warning.
Oh, my gods! Stop!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
(SPACESHIP THUDS)
(GRUNTS, PANTS)
()
All right. So, what insurance
company do you use?
Uh, I don't have insurance.
(SCOFFS) Of course, you don't.
That's cool.
Well, I'm not paying
for your ship, so...
-Well, I didn't ask you to.
-Okay.
Wait. Why not?
Because it was a custom build.
And it was priceless.
Custom build?
Seriously, dude?
I saw your ship.
I mean,
it was a piece of crap.
Like, held together
with bubblegum.
Whoever built that seriously
swindled you big time.
-Like, you got fully--
-I built it.
-What?
-Yeah.
-Who builds their own ship?
-I do.
You know,
it's not just irresponsible,
it's actually illegal
to drive around
without insurance.
So, newsflash.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Is it more or less illegal
than, I don't know,
crystal harvesting?
(SCOFFS) What?
I mean, that is what
you're out here doing, right?
Looking
for magic power crystals.
No.
-No?
-Mm-mm.
Hmm.
You're just out for a drive.
Sightseeing
in the asteroid belt.
Yeah, totally.
I actually like asteroids.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Oh, okay.
What do you like
about asteroids?
-They're rocky.
-Mm.
-That's the best part, right?
-Mm-hmm.
They're rocky.
Okay. So, can I just drop you
at a transit station,
and like, call it a day?
Or you can just take me
to Megalopolis.
(SCOFFS)
I mean, that is where
you're going, right?
Yeah. Sure.
-But--
-Great.
-I'm not your chauffeur.
-Right.
Well, would you be
my chauffeur in exchange
for a magic power crystal?
()
HOST: (OVER MIC)
We're down to the final round.
And it's anyone's match.
Megazord 2000 goes
in front counterattack.
C-47 blocks it. And oh!
-We've got a KO, folks!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
HOST: (OVER MIC)
What a night
for Mecha Fighting!
Join us next week
for another match here.
(MAX SIGHS)
MAX:
Damn it. We missed it.
You seriously wanted
to pay money
to watch people inside robots
fight each other?
MAX:
No. Not at all.
I wanna get paid
to be inside the robot.
Ew! Why?
Uh, because Super Mecha
Fighting is an art form.
No.
You can't just call anything
an art form. That's a sport.
No. That is a culture.
It is a lifestyle.
It's-- it's-- it's engineering,
and-- and strategy,
and-- and man melding
with machine.
Oh! That's so funny.
I thought it was just
all about v*olence.
MAX:
Well, this has been lovely.
We should get going.
"We"?
You're my chauffeur, remember?
That was not the deal.
One crystal for one ride
to and from the city.
-Where are you from?
-Oceanus.
Oh, my gods!
I don't wanna go there!
Why?
Are you afraid of fish-people?
What? N-- no!
My mom's hairdresser
was a fish-person.
I don't wanna go there,
because it's far.
Exactly! We should get going
before the hyperspace tunnel
gets clogged.
The hyperspace tunnel
is always clogged!
MAX:
Well, here it is.
Wow!
It's really gorgeous here.
Is it? You can't spell Oceanus
without Anus.
Really?
You don't feel in touch
with nature
-when you're out here?
-(BUG BUZZING)
I mean, nature's touching me,
it's just not consensual.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
So, can I get
that power crystal?
-Yeah.
-Thanks.
Can I ask?
What do you want
with this thing?
-Does it matter?
-Yeah. I mean, humor me.
-You're human, right?
-Yes.
So, what do you need
magic crystals for?
I don't know.
They connect me with the gods.
-Right.
-Oh, okay.
I take it you're one
of those people
who doesn't believe
in the gods.
See, I don't get that.
Higher consciousness beings
exist.
That's not like up for debate.
MAX:
Okay. Just because
interdimensional aliens exist
doesn't mean that they care
about you.
They may as well
be imaginary.
Everything's imaginary.
Stock markets aren't real.
Borders, laws, corporations.
They're all just
social constructs.
Civilization is real.
That's what separates us
from the animals
who can't reason
past their feelings.
-Hmm.
-MAX: Mm-hmm.
You should come
to the city next week.
Wow. Are you-- are you
inviting me to hang out?
I'm inviting you to come see
how wrong you are
about what you just said.
What's next week?
(CROWD CHEERING)
They're celebrating it!
That is civilization for you.
Yeah. People are always
freaking out over names
and symbols.
And it's always
an emotional argument.
You know, I read an article
the other day
about how the holiday
has taken on
a whole another significance.
Okay. I-- I feel
like maybe changing the name
from Genocide Day
would be nice.
For who?
The fish people
who were m*rder*d?
I'm a fish person.
Okay. Uh, what?
MAX:
Yeah. See. I'm half.
My dad.
Most people can't tell
'cause I pass for human.
Oh. I thought-- I thought
your mom had to be--
That's Jewish people.
So-- And the holiday
doesn't bother you?
Yeah. Of course, it does.
But that was like
hundreds of years ago.
You have to look forward.
-To what?
-To the future.
I wanna be somebody.
Hmm.
Didn't take you
for an optimist.
MAX:
I am optimistic that
you'll give me a ride home
even though you don't have to.
(CHUCKLES)
That's cute.
That's-- that's cute.
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
Can I just clarify,
are we gonna sleep together?
-What?
-Well, there's tension.
So, clearly,
something is happening.
So, I just wanna clarify.
Like, is it gonna happen?
Is it not gonna happen.
I mean, either is totally fine
by me.
I just really hate not knowing
this kinda stuff.
So, I just thought I'd ask,
you know?
You think we're compatible?
No. I mean, no.
Definitely not.
But that can make
for great sex.
You know, like um, I'm not
asking you to marry me.
Whoa! Marriage is definitely
out of question.
So, don't even--
don't even bother with that.
-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-Okay. See, that's flirting.
You're flirting.
That gives off a vibe.
But whatever. That's fine.
You don't think I'm cute.
-It's not a big deal.
-Ah.
Nice way to fish
for a compliment.
Well, maybe
I'm part fish-person.
That's very offensive.
Um, I'm-- I'm really sorry.
I'm-- sh*t. I'm so sorry. I--
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-Oh. Okay. Okay.
Oh, that's cute.
You're-- you're messing
with me.
That's-- You know,
that's flirting, right?
Like, that's literally
the definition of flirting.
Look.
It's not that I don't think
you're cute.
I think you're cute.
I just don't think
there's a future.
And I don't see the point
of having sex
if there's no future.
Okay. Well, the point
would be to just have sex.
But I mean, whatever.
It's fine.
Let's just be friends.
It's not a big deal.
Who says I wanna be friends
with you?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
You wanna be friends with me.
()
So, most fighters, they
use single-thruster system.
Okay.
-But me--
-MOLLI: Right.
What I think is gonna separate
me from all the others
is that I'm a northpaw.
Okay. So, there's Triangulon,
-god of love.
-Mm-hmm. All right.
Supposed to represent past,
present, future.
-Yeah.
-Then there's Gravitron,
god of gravity.
Dethos, god of death.
And they all live
in the Spirit Realm together.
And it's only accessible
to beings
with higher consciousness.
-What are you doing?
-Stop backseat driving!
-Oh, my God!
-Stop backseat driving!
You just missed it again!
MOLLI:
You're idealizing
a spiritually bankrupt society.
MAX:
Yeah.
But you guys get to vote.
MOLLI:
The whole thing
is a stupid really TV show!
I feel like we should
have a secret handshake.
Why?
There's no function to that.
-Why?
-There's no function.
It would just be fun.
I got it. Ready?
You don't got it.
You don't got it!
-Glorp soda?
-Yeah.
-It's kinda gross.
-But--
It doesn't even taste
like anything.
Diet Glorp soda.
'Cause otherwise, the sugar.
I'm like... (GRUNTS)
Come on! You should be proud
of your gills.
They're beautiful!
It's like having two vaginas
on your collarbone.
It's not beautiful.
So, are your parents
still married?
Uh, yes.
Just not to each other.
What are your parents like?
-Well, my dad's an assh*le.
-Oh, bummer. Sorry. What kind?
Well, all he talks
about is me working
at the rock factory.
That's all he cares about.
-Damn.
-Yeah.
-What about your mom?
-She left when I was 7.
So, start from the top.
So, it goes like this.
-This.
-Like this.
-This.
-Like that.
-This one's the weird one.
-It's so not weird.
I do not fart.
If you're smelling gasoline,
it's the ship.
If your butt is called,
"the ship", then, yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
-Just simple. Just simple.
-Okay.
This. Maybe you want something
like this,
and then like that,
and like that,
-Easy. Done.
-All right.
-Great.
-I like that.
1, 2...
-I'm leaving!
-(CRICKET CHIRPING)
What? Wait, what?
To go on a quest.
-Uh, back up.
-Okay.
Basically, Spirit Realm
is under att*ck.
Someone needs to go
save it.
I was selected
to join the team.
-Uh, by who?
-Moebius! He's a demi-god.
Half god, half like,
um, not-god.
He's the leader
of the Passionauts.
-We're going on tour.
-So, it's like a band?
Well, a battle tour.
But, yeah!
I guess it's kinda like a band
of, um, I don't know,
like adventures, and heroes,
and a mission to defeat evil
in the Spirit Realm.
There was a prophecy,
etcetera, etcetera.
Anyways, I have to go back.
I leave for the Citadel
tonight!
Okay.
I mean, it all just seems--
Very exciting! I know! Oh!
Max, I'm gonna miss you.
Can you-- can you trust
this Moebius guy?
I mean,
can anyone trust anyone?
-Yes.
-MOLLI: Exactly!
We all just have to take
leaps of faith on each other.
And sometimes,
you meet a total stranger,
and it all just works out.
And I mean, he knows magic.
And he's like,
4,000 years old.
So, I don't know.
I got good vibes.
And-- and he worked
with Triangulon, god of love.
So, like, how bad can he be?
Okay.
Come on.
Please don't make this sad.
This is good news.
I just guess
I'm gonna miss you.
There's nothing I could do
to make you stay?
Maybe a--
you think a Glorp soda?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I mean, like, I don't know.
The cosmic forces of love
are calling me, and...
Well, then I guess
this is goodbye.
Oh, come on! It's not goodbye.
We'll keep in touch.
I promise.
(CHUCKLES)
()
I'll send you a hologram.
(SPACESHIP WHOOSHES)
-Uh, I'm sorry.
-I'm so sorry. I got--
-No, I was here.
-No, I got in here--
-I saw you walking.
-Wait, Max?
You know what?
I don't have time
for an autograph.
You go ahead
and take this one.
No, Max. It's-- it's me.
It's-- it's Molli.
Molli.
Oh, my science.
()
Wait.
What are you doing here?
Oh. Um.
I'm-- I'm just here
for the weekend
for an outreach mission
for the Citadel.
-Oh.
-Uh, what are you doing here?
-I live here.
-Oh, my gods!
Yeah. I know it's kinda dumb,
but I bought the penthouse
at the publicly subsidized
private luxury high-rise
development on 481st Street.
It's nice. I really like it.
Wow.
Before I go into the ring,
I drink a whole gallon
-of Glorp soda.
-Oh, my gods.
-It's embarrassing.
-That's you.
I don't actually drink
a gallon of Glorp soda.
They-- they make me say that.
I love it so much,
I take a bath in it
every morning. And so can you.
That part is in my contract,
I do that.
Tonight, one night only, live
at Pubox Arena,
Super Mecha Fighting Team Max
and MAR14
take on Erica and C-47!
Brought to you by Glorp soda,
a subsidiary of Cheesecorp!
Max! That's so cool!
You're a freaking celebrity!
(CHUCKLES)
What?
Have you been living
under a rock?
Well, yeah, kinda.
The Citadel doesn't allow
outside contact, so...
Oh. Well, I didn't know
what happened to you.
I just figured... Yeah.
I wish you would have told me.
I know. I know. I'm sorry.
I-- I sacrificed a lot.
But overall, the Citadel
has been great.
So, it all worked out
for you.
Yeah, definitely!
I mean, it's different.
A little different than,
you know,
I thought it would be.
But um, in a good way.
In a great way.
-In a really good way.
-Uh, how so?
Oh. Um, Moebius
just really challenged
all my pre-conceived notions
of love and relationships.
Uh, what do you mean?
All the Passionauts
at the Citadel are together
in one relationship.
Moebius, as you know,
is a demi-god,
and he's our intermediate
with Triangulon, god of love.
And we communicate
with Triangulon
through intercourse
with Moebius
and with each other.
Inter-- intercourse. Sorry.
Interesting,
that's interesting.
I know. It sounds
a little unconventional.
But it's actually
really magical.
(CHUCKLES)
-Uh, pun intended.
-I know.
I'm a level seven
Space Witch now! (LAUGHS)
-MAX: That is amazing!
-Yeah.
Oh, anyways...
Is that--
is that a high level?
Uh, I mean, yeah.
Like, well, whatever.
Let's just say
there is no other human
that's ever achieved
that level, so...
-MAX: Huh.
-But anyways, enough about me.
I mean, how are you?
Oh. Uh, I'm doing great.
Things are great. Yeah.
k*lling it.
My-- my career is pretty much
everything I ever wanted.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't-- I don't mean
your career.
I mean, how are you?
Well, my career is very much
part of me, so...
Well, yeah.
But not the important part.
What-- what's
the important part?
I don't know.
Have you found love?
Uh...
uh, I mean, yeah.
I have millions of fans.
-They all love me.
-Okay. Come on.
That's not what I meant.
You know
that's not what I meant.
If you must know,
I am seeing somebody.
Okay, that's great!
Who is she?
She's actually
my Mecha partner.
Yeah. MAR-14.
She goes by Maria, so...
Because the one and the four
look like an I and an A.
-Maria.
-Right. Uh, right. No.
I-- I'm just
a little confused.
You're dating a robot?
She's sentient.
-Okay.
-She has free will.
So, for all intents
and purposes, she's a person.
I-- I designed and built her
to think for herself.
So, she's a person.
If you built her,
doesn't that make you,
like her dad?
Her dad?
Ew, no. Why would you--
Max, that is not natural.
Really? Natural?
We're in a flying car.
-Okay. You know what?
-Nothing is natural.
That's a very organically
biased thing to say,
-don't you think?
-You know what?
-I'm being honest.
-Okay.
Well, if I'm being honest,
-I think you're in a cult.
-Oh, my God.
-Okay?
-Okay.
-Yeah.
-Right. Totally.
No, you would call it that.
That's cute.
I'm not in a cult.
I can leave whenever
I want to.
I just don't want to,
'cause I'm like super happy!
(SCOFFS) You're a full-on nut!
I just-- Wow!
Wow. That's my cue to go.
Have a nice life
living in Midtown.
I will. Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
The car is moving.
We're in mid-air.
I'm a level seven Space Witch.
I can fly, you idiot!
Ugh!
She can't fly. She can't...
She can fly. (SIGHS)
So, why'd she take a cab?
-()
-(CAR HORNS HONKING)
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENON SPEAKER)
Hey. You're that guy
everyone hates.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
-Uh, no. Not me.
-No, yeah. It's totally you.
No, I know.
Can you sign this autograph,
please?
I'm sorry.
You have me mistaken
for somebody else.
-It's not me.
-Isn't this the guy?
That's the guy
that everyone hates.
You know who
I'm talking about. Come on.
Sign it for my girlfriend.
Come on. Come on.
-Give it to me
-Here you go.
Make it out to Jessica.
-Okay.
-All right.
Hey, thanks, man.
I hate you so much.
Excuse you.
(TRAIN DOOR CLOSES)
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENON SPEAKER)
Max?
-Molli?
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(CUTLERY CLINKING)
-I feel--
-I feel--
Ooh.
(BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY)
You-- you go.
I feel like I owe you
an apology.
Uh, no. I-- I feel
like I owe you an apology.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Uh, let's hold onto that.
Let's strap in.
-Okay.
-Okay.
So, how does it work?
So, to two-for-one time travel
special with chicken wings,
-It's read-only, of course.
-Right.
But the food here
is actually pretty good.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
-(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
-I'll start.
-(CRICKET CHIRPING)
-(SIGHS)
So, when you left...
I felt abandoned.
MOLLI:
I'm really sorry.
MAX:
No, no, no. I'm not trying
to make you feel bad.
I'm just trying to reflect.
I was angry,
and I was jealous.
You were going off
on this great adventure.
And, you know,
I was going nowhere fast.
Boy, time you got a job
with your old pop
at the Rock n' Roll factory.
Dad, I am never gonna
be a Rock n' Roll musician.
Never!
I'm gonna be the greatest,
most successful Mecha fighter
that ever lived. You'll see.
That's what they all say.
You'll be back making
stock music
for corporate videos
like the rest of us.
MAX:
So, I took all that anger
and I funneled it
into what I loved.
I start building,
studying strategy,
training from sunrise
to sunset.
I get very into optimizing
my diet, tracking my workouts.
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
MAX:
And I started participating
in local matches.
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-(ROBOTS WHIR)
MAX:
At first,
I got my ass kicked.
But little by little,
I started to pick up tricks
-and build up my skills.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
(ROBOTS WHIR)
(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MAX:
And then I started winning!
And when you win locals,
then you go to Regionals.
Then Metaregionals.
-What?
-MAX: Don't worry about it.
The point is,
after Metaregionals
is Planetaries.
And the hope is that somebody
will see you there,
and sponsor you,
and take you to Galactics
which is a straight sh*t
to Versies-- Uh, Universies.
There is always
a higher level.
Right. Exactly. Anyways.
I put 110 percent
into my Mecha suit.
Really, everything I have.
And it's an epic battle
with twists, and turns,
and punches, and kicks.
And then I hit him
with the sword,
then he punches me,
and then I spin,
and then I get back up,
and then he dives
his axe into me
but then I slam my sword
into him. And he falls.
-And I win.
-(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MOLLI:
That's amazing!
MAX:
And you'll never guess
what happens next.
MOLLI:
What?
Nothing. No sponsorships,
no phone calls. Nada.
MAX:
So, I build
a machine-learning algorithm
that analyzes
all of my matches.
(MACHINES BEEPING, WHIRRING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
MAX:
And eventually,
it becomes sentient.
MAR14:
Permission to develop
distinct personality.
Uh, permission granted.
(MAR17 WHIRS)
All right, Maxy darling,
let's get straight
to the point!
I've watched the reels,
and you've got more talent
than the average crum
in the clip joint.
But if you wanna get the real
bulge against the competish,
you need to learn
how to market yourself.
I think if we just changed
a couple of small things
about you, convinced everyone
you're a little
more traditional,
you could go from pill to pip
quicker
than the squirt of a ballyhoo!
Say hello to Maks!
Less cold fish,
more ducky shincracker.
A true doll dizzy
that gets the cookies baking!
I'm-- I'm not sure it's me.
(LAUGHS)
Don't give me the goose, Maks!
You just have to change
who you are,
and then it will become you!
-I don't know.
-I don't make the rules.
I'm just here to tell you
how the algorithm works.
And if you want people
to like you,
this is what you have to do.
MAX:
So, she sets out
to rebrand me.
And it works.
Next thing you know,
sponsorships are lining up.
Hi, I'm Max.
I am 100 percent human.
Are you sick of drinking
things that are not Glorp?
Try Glorp.
She upgrades
all our equipment,
even builds us
this awesome shrink ray,
so I can enlarge
and pilot her.
MAX:
And once we're working
together, we're unstoppable.
(ROBOTS WHIRRING)
(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MAX:
So, I live the Mecha-star
lifestyle for a bit.
I'm rich, bitch!
MAX:
And it's great
because I finally get
all the validation
that I craved for so long.
Max is like, the ultimate...
You're the best there is,
Max!
I'm a huge fan of Max.
Oh, man, Max,
I love you so much!
MAX:
But it all just felt
like this drug
with diminishing returns.
I'm having fun! This is cool!
I-- You know, this is great!
And I started to wonder,
do I even like Mecha Fighting?
Or is it just some alpha male
team power fantasy
about domination
that compensates
for my fragile masculinity?
(ROBOTS WHIRRING)
MAX:
As soon as I started
doubting myself,
-we start tanking.
-(CROWD CLAMORS)
(ROBOTS WHIR, CLANG)
Maxy! We're all wet!
What's gumming up the works?
Is it the giggle juice?
The Cadillacs?
The khacki wackys?
Talk to me!
It's-- it's everything.
I can't keep pretending
to be someone that I'm not.
(MAR-14 GASPS)
It's high time
we flipped the script!
You didn't like
the playboy lifestyle.
You were forced to conform
with society's expectations
of what a man should be.
But deep down,
you're a relationship guy!
Abandoned by your mother,
heartbroken as a teen,
you were lost and alone.
But then you realized
that the one
you were looking
for the whole time
was right in front of you.
Yeah. Uh, wait, what?
You were looking for me!
Ah.
Oh.
Monetizing
our false authenticity
slapped a Band-Aid on things
for a while.
But then I ran into you.
Have you found love?
MAX:
And it was like being
splashed in the face
with cold water.
So, I broke up with her.
(GASPS)
MOLLI:
How did she react?
It's the perfect chisel. Oh!
We can each write
tell-all memoirs
with conflicting versions
of events.
Force people to take sides!
Ah! We'll break cyberspace!
MAX:
And people got very angry.
Wow!
How could you do this to her?
-(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
-You suck, man!
She'll be better off
without you.
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
MAX:
So, I just wanna thank you.
I had this illusion
of who I was.
And it was built
off the approval
of complete strangers,
but you just cut
right through it.
Seeing how in love
you actually were
made me realize
that what I had
was just selfish ego.
What you did, giving yourself
over to someone else...
it was inspiring.
(LAUGHS)
-What?
-Oh, man.
Buckle up.
I'm going back far.
Okay. So, beginning
of the universe.
Big Bang. Atoms combine.
Intelligent life forms develop.
Among all the amazing sentient
creatures in the universe,
I am born not into the body
of a centaur, or an elf,
or a Goblin,
but into the body of a shitty,
non-magical human.
Then one day,
Moebius contacts me
through the dream dimension.
And he basically was like...
Molli, I am the demi-god
Moebius.
You are a human,
yet I sense magic within you.
MOLLI:
And I was basically like...
Oh, my God. What?
But that's impossible.
No. The prophecy
has foretold
the next evolution
of humanity.
You must join me.
And together, we will quest
and defeat the conformistines.
Yes! We will defeat
the conformistines.
Sorry, who are they?
MOEBIUS:
Evil ghost
spirit warriors of Dethos,
the god of death.
So, what do you say?
Will you join me?
Is it like, a full-time thing
or like, a part-time thing?
This is like,
a huge opportunity.
MOLLI:
No. No, no. I know. I know.
I've always
wanted to go to quest.
Like, um, it just, uh--
I was gonna wait
to tell you this,
but the truth
is you are the chosen one.
Whoa! Whoa.
So, I leave behind everyone
and everything
I've ever known.
And I become a Passionaut.
Moebius teaches us
to channel our magic
through power crystals.
And the next thing
you know...
...I'm a level seven
space witch.
We engage in these epic
battles across space and time.
(CONFORMISTINES CLAMOR)
MOLLI:
We're sh**ting lasers
and conformistines are f*ring
lightning.
And I learned how to divide
myself from my feelings,
and allow my consciousness
to flow
through astral projections.
I feel powerful.
I feel confident.
I feel like everything I do
is dripping with meaning.
-Yes!
-Great job, Molli.
We did it. They're dead!
MOEBIUS:
You are clearly
the chosen one.
So, now, I choose you
to have drinks with me.
MOLLI:
The more I spend
time with him,
the more I feel like Moebius
and I are soulmates.
-(SMOOCHES, MOANS)
-Oh, yeah. Ride that tentacle.
b*at it up
like it owes you money.
-(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
-(MOANS, SCREAMS)
That's the spot.
-I'm coming. I'm coming.
-(SCREAMS, PANTS)
I'm done.
MOLLI:
But I can sense
that the other students
are jealous of my unique
special relationship
with Moebius, and this guy
Walterius is like...
Hey, isn't it wonderful
that we all have our own
special and unique
relationship with Moebius?
MOLLI:
And I'm like...
(SCOFFS)
What's the supposed to mean?
I just meant what I just said.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, yeah. Totally.
Well, maybe you should like,
focus less on that
and more
on how we're gonna defeat
-the conformistines.
-You're right.
-MOLLI: Yeah.
-I am sorry.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
MOLLI:
Everything was great
for a while.
But then slowly,
things started changing.
I don't understand.
What's wrong?
I don't understand.
You feel really distant.
I'm fine.
Are you here?
Are you present?
All right, you got me.
I'm just protecting myself
because I know
you're going to leave me.
What? No! Never! Never!
I love you.
I do not perceive time
linearly.
I have seen multiple futures
and you almost
always leave me.
Sometimes,
I doubt your commitment.
I'm-- I'm committed.
I'm so committed!
I'm-- I'm like,
the most committed.
(EXCLAIMS)
(GRUNTS)
I'm sorry I doubted you.
I'm a monster.
What? No, you're not.
You're not--
you're not a monster.
Yes, I am. I'm an ugly monster
with ugly tentacles.
No, no! Shh!
There, just focus on me.
There, there. Just focus.
MOEBIUS:
Mm! Yes, yes!
Oh, oh. Okay.
MOEBIUS:
I have finished.
Now, I'm going to go have sex
with everyone else.
(SCOFFS) Uh, what? Sorry?
I'm going to have sex
with everyone else.
-You knew that.
-I-- Wait. What? I'm sorry.
Uh, I thought
I was the chosen one.
There are many chosen ones.
Love is not selfish.
Love is unconditional.
I love all creatures
except the conformistines.
-They suck.
-Oh. (CHUCKLES) Um...
You never asked
if I was having sex
with everyone else.
If you asked if
I was having sex
with everyone else,
I would have told you
I was having sex
with everyone else.
-Stop attacking me.
-Okay. Okay. No, you're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right.
That's, um... It's on me.
Your apology is accepted.
MOLLI:
So, I double down.
I really commit to the idea
of love transcending monogamy
and all that.
I tell myself
that's just what love is.
MOLLI:
A rollercoaster
of jealousy, and passion,
-and lots of group sex.
-Hi! Come!
MOLLI:
But then one day,
I run into you.
Well, if I'm being honest
with you,
I think you're in a cult.
MOLLI:
It was like you planted
the seed of doubt within me
that slowly grew.
-Hey, Walterius?
-Hmm?
-Are we in a cult?
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah, definitely.
You know, sometimes,
I think it's weird,
but man, I just really
wanna get revenge
on the conformistines.
They did k*ll my whole family,
and replaced my hand
with a lobster claw, so...
Plus, we all wear
the same thing.
We wear like
slightly different things.
There's a documentary
about us.
-Right. No, I saw that.
-Yeah.
I just thought, um,
I don't know,
it doesn't seem that bad,
though.
(WALTER CHUCKLES) Yeah.
The testimonials
were pretty creepy.
Okay. Okay.
WALTER:
But we just ignored it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-WALTER: And we're happy here.
Yeah, totally. We're so happy,
right?
(SMACKS LIPS)
Sorry, I'm meditating.
-MOLLI: No, that's fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, if you don't mind.
Thank you so much.
MOLLI:
And eventually,
it dawns on me
that in my quest
for independence
from hierarchical society,
I have ironically allowed
my entire identity
to be subsumed
by someone else's.
(BREATHS DEEPLY)
Anyways, I kinda just ignored
that for a while,
and eventually,
we all transfigure
our mind energy together
in order to vaporize
and defeat
the conformistines.
-(LIGHTNING ZAPS)
-(CONFORMISTINES CLAMOR)
(MEMBERS CHEERING)
MOLLI:
But then Moebius is like...
MOEBIUS:
Everyone, stop partying.
This is just a small respite
in a 1,000-year crusade.
The dark forces of Dethos
shall return,
and sneak up on us.
-Oh, gosh. Really?
-Sorry, question.
Um, if you can see the future,
can't you just tell us
when they're gonna sneak up
on us?
Mm-mm.
That's not how it works.
Okay. Then how does it work?
I would explain,
but your human brain
is too small to comprehend.
Right. Right, right, right.
If you wish to reach
level eight magic,
you must begin training
immediately,
and stop asking
so many questions.
Let's get to it then, I guess.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay. You know what?
You know what?
I'm sick of this. I'm leaving!
Who's coming with me?
-No one's coming with you.
-Okay. Well, I'm leaving!
And I'm taking the fish.
You suck! Bye!
See, I knew you'd leave.
I totally called it.
Oh. He can see the future.
(GASPS) Bow down, man.
What are you waiting for?
What... Oh!
MOLLI:
So, I threw my power crystals
into the trash dimension,
and head home to Megalopolis.
I just feel really confused.
And how does that
make you feel?
I literally just said it.
It makes me feel confused.
What I'm confused about
is the whole magic thing.
(CHUCKLES)
What's up with that?
I don't know. I-- I think
I have some sort of like,
illness, or mutation,
or something.
And how does that
make you feel?
(GRUNTS)
-Damn. That sounds horrible.
-Yeah.
But I really wanted
to thank you
for planting that seed.
Seeing you reminded me
of who I was before Moebius,
and eventually, I realized
that was the real me.
So, what are you doing now?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Trying to find
a good therapist.
-How's that?
-Harder than dating.
Hmm.
Oh. Uh, and I'm gonna go back
to school for Terraforming.
What about magic?
Apparently, magically-inclined
humans are a result
of exposure to toxic fumes
as a child.
There's a big class-action
lawsuit about it.
What about you?
Well, I have a few more years
in the league.
Uh, and I gotta start thinking
about the future
'cause I can't Mecha Fight
forever, so...
And not work-wise?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Well, I want a relationship.
A real one.
But I don't know
if cyber-dating
is the right place
to find one.
-Mm.
-Yeah.
Could you help me set up
my profile?
'Cause I don't want
a real one.
So, that's actually
kinda perfect for me.
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, sure.
-Okay.
-MOLLI: Ready?
-MAX: Yeah.
I tried really hard,
I did a bunch of takes. Okay.
Hi! I'm Molli.
Um, I am looking
for a male-identifying
individual,
all species welcome.
But I guess I'm not really
looking
for anything too magical
at the moment.
A little bit about me.
I'm a student
at Space University.
Go, Nebulas! (CHUCKLES)
And one of the reasons
I'm so old
and just starting school
is I was in a cult!
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, and yes,
it was a sex cult.
And no,
I am not into that anymore.
Um, if that doesn't scare you
away, uh, that's kinda weird.
So, I guess I actually
don't even wanna date you.
Anyways, uh, call me.
(SYSTEM BEEPS)
Yeah.
I mean, how do you like it?
Yeah. Um... I mean, yeah.
If-- I'm-- I don't know.
Um...
I think you could do it again.
I mean, what's your profile?
(SYSTEM BEEPS)
Hi. My name is Max.
(SYSTEM BEEPS)
Are you serious?
That's it. There's no more?
MAX:
Look. It's just enough
to get them interested.
If I tell them
I'm half fish-person
or where I'm from,
they're just gonna not click.
-Really? That's so messed up.
-I mean, it's fine.
It's not a huge part
of my identity.
I want people to judge me
based on my choices.
Ugh! That's actually
my worst nightmare.
MAX:
All right.
Let's get started.
All right.
This is gonna be good.
MAX:
Yep. You go first.
-(SYSTEM BEEPS)
-Hey, there. How you doing?
My name's Achilles.
I'm looking for a girl
who's spontaneous,
creative, interesting.
Someone who speaks a minimum
of six languages.
Someone who has won
at least three
of those radio call-in
contests.
Someone who is exactly
2 meters tall.
No more, no less.
And most important of all,
someone who has got a birthmark
on her left arm, uh,
between her elbow
and her wrist.
I'm looking for my
ex-girlfriend Pamela. Um--
MOLLI:
Mm-mm, no. Okay.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
-(SYSTEM BEEPS)
-Hey, I'm Janus.
I'm a Scorpio rising,
and Aries descending,
A Taurus on Monday,
Wednesday, Friday,
and a Capricorn on Thursdays,
but only at 3:00 p.m.
-MAX: Nah.
-Also, I--
-(SYSTEM BEEPS)
-Hey, there. I'm Leonidas.
I shelter rescue animals.
I go to therapy regularly.
I have a healthy relationship
with my mother.
And oh,
I'm also a five-star chef.
-MOLLI: Ugh!
-MAX: Whoa! He seemed normal .
Yeah, too normal.
Are you trying to find
somebody to fix?
-Maybe! sh*t. Is that bad?
-MAX: Probably.
-My turn.
-(SYSTEM BEEPS)
Hello. My name's Phaedra.
I work
in Human and Alien Resources
-at a tech startup--
-MAX: Nah.
Wait! You literally
didn't even give her
-one full sentence.
-(CLICKS TONGUE) I'm very picky.
-That is accurate.
-Yes. So...
Okay, look. Neither of us
are qualified to make
big life decisions
on our own behalf.
So, about you pick my dates
and I pick yours?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Okay. Wait. Yeah. Fine.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Okay.
Don't pick anyone ugly.
Hi. My name's Max.
I'm Phaedra.
-Hi, I'm Molli.
-Hi, I'm Leonidas.
()
-Wanna hangout?
-Yes.
(SYSTEM WHIRS)
I mean, it's not that any of
those people were even, like,
bad or mean.
They were all just so...
-Boring?
-MOLLI: Yeah! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(SYSTEM BEEPS)
So, is it my serve
or your serve now?
I serve on all prime numbers
unless you're wearing purple,
in which case if you score
on my prime serve,
then we divide the points
by the square root of two.
-Right, right. Okay, okay.
-Right. And no sliceys.
-MOLLI: Okay.
-Thank you.
(SYSTEM WHIRS)
Maybe we should just date
each other. (CHUCKLES)
(SYSTEM BEEPS)
Are you--
are you being serious?
No! No. I mean like,
that-- that'd be crazy.
(CHUCKLES)
Why?
-Wait. Are-- are you serious?
-Yeah.
I mean, we're pretty much
dating already anyways.
-I mean, minus the sex.
-Well, yeah.
But that's the part
that always makes everything
so complicated.
MAX:
Yeah. But why does it have to?
-I don't know. Let's have sex.
-(MOLLI CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-Let's just have sex.
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
-MAX: Yeah!
-Let's just do it!
-Let's just have sex.
-MOLLI: Let's just have sex.
-Let's have sex!
-(CHUCKLES)
Like, I actually can't tell
if you're being serious
or if you're kidding. I can't--
Um, are you-- I can't tell.
I'm kidding! I'm joking!
-Right!
-MAX: I'm joking.
-(LAUGHS) Right.
-(MAX CHUCKLES) Yeah.
-Obviously.
-I was laughing the whole time.
-MOLLI: Yeah.
-(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
So, is it your serve now?
Uh, no. It's Thursday,
so it's yours.
-MOLLI: Right. Okay.
-Yeah.
Okay.
I just wish there was a way
that we could, like, try it out
without the risk of ruining
of what we already have.
-You know what I mean?
-(SYSTEM WHIRS)
What if we got a Pubox?
(MACHINE WHIRS)
-MOLLI: Whoa.
-MAX: Uh, hello.
Is this-- is this working?
Uh, hello.
Is this thing working?
-Hello!
-MOLLI: Hi!
Hi. Uh, so, we were thinking
that you guys
in your parallel universe
would give it a go
and then report back to us.
In that way, if it turns out
to be a disaster,
then at least we have a backup.
Yeah, we know.
I was you 10 seconds ago
before our universes split,
so...
-MOLLI: Right.
-MAX: Well, have fun.
Don't-- don't do anything
that I wouldn't do.
Well, he's you, so...
Yeah, so, do the things
that I would do.
-Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-But have fun doing it.
-Just hang up.
-Okay.
-MOLLI: Bye!
-MAX: All right, bye.
-Bye!
-Goodbye!
(RECEIVERS CLATTER)
()
-Ready?
-Yeah.
Okay.
-Hey, how's it going?
-Hey, how's it going?
Yeah. You know, good.
Uh, I mean, define good, right?
He's terrified of conflict.
He'll just pretend like things
are okay instead of saying
how he actually feels.
So-- so yeah, you know, uh,
not bad at all.
I just wish he would talk to
me, like, communicate better.
Gotcha. Gotcha.
One thing I will say,
she's kind of extreme
with her opinions.
You know what I mean?
Like, there's no--
there's no real gray area.
I don't know. It's horrible.
It's actually the worst
decision we ever made.
He so desperately needs
to be liked.
Just like, it's pathetic.
And then I'm just not attracted
to him anymore.
Uh, he said it's going well.
What did yours say?
Uh, give me one second.
He does this thing
where he says,
"That's interesting,"
instead of like, saying
how he actually feels.
Um, yeah she-- she said
it's going good.
Interesting.
Is it interesting?
What do you really think?
-Whoa!
-Um, sorry.
Yeah.
I don't know
if you've ever experienced this,
but she has a hard time
controlling her magic, you know?
Like, her astral projections
like, have no concern
for other people's feelings
or my feelings especially.
And then I astral project,
and then he gets upset.
And then it's just a cycle
over and over again.
PU MAX:
And some days are great.
And other days are just so bad.
PU MOLLI:
And it's like "Dude, calm down."
(TOGETHER)
Have you tried talking to her
about this?
Why? What did he say
about me to your Max?
What are you hearing?
What is she saying?
-I should break up with him.
-Oh, God. Is she gonna end it?
I should just end it.
I should break up with her
before she breaks up with me.
No, no, no.
Don't-- don't break up with her.
I knew from the beginning
this was a bad idea.
PU MAX:
I mean, she's always
complaining, you know,
about me leaving the toilet
seat up.
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
Why don't you just talk to him
and tell him how you feel?
(SCOFFS) Are you kidding?
What I need to do
is withdraw further.
What I need to do is spend as
much time with her as possible.
I mean, the fact of the matter
is that if he actually likes me,
there's probably something
wrong with him.
You're just not compatible.
All right? Ugh! I gotta go.
PU MOLLI:
Learn from our mistakes.
Just don't do it.
-(BREATHS DEEPLY)
-Damn.
We dodged a laser beam
with that one.
Yeah. Thank science
we didn't actually
go through with it.
-He said that you--
-She said that you--
We don't--
we don't have to get into it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We don't have to talk about it.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Well, that settles it.
We're better off as friends.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
()
BRYAN:
He is a demon
from the trash-dimension,
and she's a human woman
with eczema.
I'm Bryan Oceancolgate,
and you're watching a show
where you decide the fate
of a galaxy.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Thank you so much! Thank you.
MOLLI:
Ugh!
I hate this show so much,
but I also feel
like we have to watch it
like, in order to stay informed.
Now, our first question
is if you were ruler
of the galaxy,
what would you choose
as your favorite
ice cream flavor?
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
I would say red flavor.
Red? How interesting.
-The color of eczema.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Bryan,
I do not have eczema anymore.
We have covered this every week.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
RACHEL:
I used to have it
when I was a teenager.
But now, today,
do not have eczema.
Hmm. Well, just
'cause we don't see it
on your face, love,
doesn't mean
it's not anywhere else,
don't it? (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Right, right.
What are you suggesting?
That's so inappropriate--
Okay. If you just shush
and stop hogging
all the air time,
I can get on the next question.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
So, um, that's gonna go
to you, Turboschmuck.
Same question.
-Thank you.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1:
Whoo!
We love you, Turboschmuck!
Uh, first of all,
I just wanna say
we all know that Rachel
has a real pimply vag*na, right?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-No, I do not!
-TURBOSCHMUCK: No? Prove it.
-What? No! No!
I'm willing to show my genitalia
to everyone in this room.
-Are you?
-No.
TURBOSCHMUCK:
I didn't think so.
Bryan,
back to your excellent question.
Back when I was just
a young demon,
sucking the life force
out of lost souls
stuck in the trash dimension,
we didn't have these fancy
ice cream flavors like red.
We had to make our own.
So, I came up with a little
something I like to call
a "pee-pee snowcone".
Because if there is one thing
that I learned during my time
in the trash dimension,
it's that life is suffering.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-And there is no sweet release
except for death itself.
All roads
lead to the trash dimension.
So, if I'm chosen
as the ruler of the galaxy,
I promise I will alleviate
that suffering by providing
alternate life to all citizens,
especially the fish-people.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-What does alternate life mean?
-Alt-life means death.
-Oh. So, like genocide.
Yeah. I mean,
we're about due for another one.
I mean, there's no way
he's gonna make it
past the dance round.
I mean,
can he even hold a tune?
I'm not some lying politician.
I'm telling the truth here.
I'm gonna try to k*ll
as many of you as I can,
and you know what?
You heard it here first.
I think that
we should merge reality
-with the trash dimension!
-(AUDIENCE GASPS)
-Are you with me?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-RACHEL: What?
-Stop. Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, I have low expectations
from humanity,
but they can't be dumb enough
to pick this guy. It's just--
I mean, don't be so sure.
I don't know.
I used to think about the
future with so much hope.
But now, I just associate it
with anxiety.
Like, did you hear
that the whole universe
is gonna be destroyed
by a black hole
-in about 15 years?
-Really?
Why isn't everybody freaking
out about this?
Lots of people are.
It's just not like,
at the top of anyone's mind.
Wow.
Yeah. And the worst part
is scientists know
exactly what we have to do
to stop it.
What's that?
All we have to do
is stop eating cheese.
-What?
-I don't know.
Something about the process
of making cheese.
It makes holes. Everyone thought
it was harmless
But like, Swiss cheese is okay
because the holes are there.
But when you make cheese
without the holes,
the holes have to go somewhere.
Bam! Black holes.
Then we all have to stop
eating cheese, right?
People really like cheese.
I mean, is it really worth
the end of the world?
-I mean--
-No! Not at all.
But I mean, it would require
everyone to stop eating cheese.
And that's not gonna happen
any time soon.
So, make sure to tune in
next week to watch
our two contestants
in the juggling challenge.
-Here's another one.
-Oh.
-Here's another one.
-(PINS CLATTER)
Brought to you by CheeseCorp,
our wonderful, wholesome,
beautiful corporation
that would never lie to you.
I mean, the whole universe
is going to sh*t.
Like, we should really--
we should do something about it,
you know, instead of just
sitting around, complaining.
-Yeah.
-Right?
Yeah.
(BOTH SHUDDER)
-Wow. Um...
-WOMAN 1: Hello.
Hi. Uh, we're here on behalf
of Rachel
-for emperor of the galaxy.
-But her eczema!
I am voting for Turboschmuck.
(CHANTS) Turbo! Turbo!
Hi! Uh, we are here
on behalf of Rachel's campaign
for emperor of the galaxy.
Oh. (SCOFFS)
Rachel's got my vote. (LAUGHS)
Yeah! She, like, whooped
Turboschmuck
in the hot-dog eating contest.
-You are awesome.
-(LAUGHS)
Thank you for being great
and not a completely insane
person, so...
Please though protect
the fish-people, okay?
-Yes!
-I cut gills into my skin
in solidarity.
Oh, my lord.
ALIEN LADY:
Don't look away.
Look at my gills.
-Yeah. Okay.
-Yeah.
-That's... Yeah.
-You wanna come inside?
Oh. Um, we--
we have a lot
of canvassing to do.
-Tons of canvassing.
-Tomorrow?
MAX:
Tomorrow? All day.
Today and tomorrow.
-MOLLI: Yeah.
-What about the next day?
Thank you so much
for your time.
For your time,
thank you so much.
-Really appreciate it.
-ALIEN LADY: I love you, guys.
-And we love you, too.
-Love you, too.
-ALIEN LADY: I love you, guys.
-Okay.
ALIEN LADY:
Never forget you.
-(EXHALES DEEPLY)
-Oh, my gods.
-(DOOR OPENING)
-Hi!
We're here on behalf
of Rachel
-for emperor of the galaxy.
-Whoa, Molli?
-Walter?
-WALTER: Yeah.
Oh, my God.
-Uh, do-- do you live here?
-WALTER: Yeah.
-That is Walter. We were...
-In a cult together.
-MOLLI: Yeah! (CHUCKLES)
-We were in a cult together.
Oh. Uh, that Walter.
-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
-Uh, lobster claw Walter.
-Guilty as charged. That's me.
Yeah. Nice to meet you, dude.
Wow!
It is really good to see you.
It's crazy!
You look really good.
-(WALTER CHUCKLES)
-Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
So, Rachel uh, is running
for emperor of the galaxy.
-Yeah.
-And we would love
-to talk to you--
-What have you been up to?
Like, what have you been doing?
We should um,
catch up sometime.
You lost the beard.
I mean... (CHUCKLES)
-WALTER: Yeah!
-It's really working for you.
But you still have the claw.
That's great.
-WALTER: Oh.
-Max!
()
(SYSTEM BEEPS)
-sh*t!
-MAX: Yes!
How's it going with Walter?
(GRUNTS)
Good. Yeah. It's good.
I'm molding him.
I think it's working.
Molding?
Do you really have to mold him?
Definitely.
He's very positive... (GRUNTS)
...all the time. So, you know,
just trying to get him
to be like,
a little more judgmental,
like have opinions about things.
You know what I mean?
-(GRUNTS)
-(SYSTEM BEEPS)
(SCREAMS)
Yes! You know,
he's teaching me stuff, too.
Like he taught me some
strategies on how to repress
my magic,
and they're totally working.
Do you really need
to repress it?
Definitely! It's very different
that it was with Moebius.
(GRUNTS)
And I'm learning that love
doesn't have
to be a rollercoaster.
It can just be like,
slow, and boring,
and uneventful!
'Cause that's what an adult
relationship is.
Triangulon works
in mysterious ways, you know?
You know, I've really enjoyed
being alone.
Giving me some time
to be with me, you know?
-Time to reflect.
-Yeah, exactly!
Like, there are so many
other important things in life.
You know, like your hobbies
and your friends.
-(SYSTEM BEEPS)
-MOLLI: Yes!
-Shut up!
-f*ck, yeah!
You know, it made me realize
that ambition is overrated.
(GRUNTS) There's always
a higher level.
So, why don't just be happy
with the level you're at?
But do you still enjoy
Mecha Fighting?
MAX:
Yeah. I think so.
It's just hard to separate
the politics
from the real thing, you know?
(GRUNTS)
Plus, like you said,
there are more important things
like friendships and hobbies!
(GRUNTS)
Exactly! You know, like,
I really thought that
terraforming was gonna be a way
to create life on other planets.
And then I realized
that 90 percent of the industry
is built on extracting wealth
and bleeding nature dry.
It's basically
geological gentrification.
But it's pretty much impossible
not to work
for a big, evil corporation
these days.
So, I just realized
that I have to separate
my work life
from my personal life.
So, when the clock
strikes 5:00 p.m.,
I'm just outta there!
Yeah, I read an article
the other day
that said that the first time
you feel an emotion
is the strongest.
After that,
it's just watered down
and it is never the same.
-MOLLI: Yeah, exactly!
-(GRUNTS)
Now, we're all just
chasing a high
that we're never gonna get!
That's why it's important
to focus on things
other than your personal life,
and your love life,
and your career!
-Like hobbies!
-And friends!
-(SYSTEM BEEPS)
-Yes!
(SCREAMS)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Good game.
Yeah, good game. Super fun.
-Yeah. See you next Saturday?
-(SMACKS LIPS) Uh, yes.
Definitely. Oh, hey.
I've been meaning to ask you.
Um, where do you get
all your turtlenecks from?
Uh, I get them from Bargle.com.
It's kinda like the Gormble.com
of turtlenecks.
-Okay, cool.
-Yeah. Why?
-Oh, I wanna get one for Walter.
-What?
Yeah. I don't know.
I'm buying him a new wardrobe.
All of his shirts are gross.
-(SIGHS) Can't he dress himself?
-He can, yeah.
But I don't know.
He's just like a simple guy.
Like, he doesn't even
have a passport.
I asked him the other day
if he had unlimited currency,
where he would go,
and he said Nebulon-Four.
Nebulon-Four? Isn't that, like,
15 minutes away?
Yeah, exactly.
So, I'm like working
on expanding his horizons.
I'm worried he's gonna tell me
he loves me soon.
-He keeps hinting at it.
-Hold on.
What if we're at the same thing
together
and we're wearing
the same shirt?
-That's never gonna happen.
-Okay.
Um, hi. Hi. I'm sorry.
Um, I know
I'm not supposed to do this.
But so, I hope
this isn't too awkward.
But I noticed you playing,
and I just wanted
to introduce myself.
I am a huge fan of yours.
-Oh! Thank you so much.
-Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I've seen like,
all your Mecha matches.
-Oh, wow.
-And I think you're awesome.
And, like-- Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh! I'm so sorry.
I just interrupted your date.
That was not my intention.
-And I'm so sorry--
-No! (SCOFFS)
MAX:
No, no, no. This is not--
this is not a date.
-Yeah, no.
-MAX: Yeah.
-Oh.
-This is my friend.
Good friend Molli.
-Oh, cool.
-Yeah.
-Hey.
-MOLLI: Hi.
-I'm Cassie.
-Molli. Nice to meet you.
Yeah. I don't wanna hold you up.
Uh, don't you have to go?
What?
Uh,
don't you have an appointment?
(GASPS) Oh! Uh, yeah. Mm.
Yes. No. Yeah.
I have an appointment,
uh, with the doctor.
CASSIE:
Oh.
Because I have a terminal
illness that is incurable.
-Oh, my gosh. Oh.
-MOLLI: Yes, I know.
Clock's ticking. Time is running
out. Days are numbered.
(INHALES HEAVILY)
But you two enjoy.
Have fun, kids!
-That's so sad.
-Yeah.
No, she's kidding. She's joking.
-What-- what? She's not dying?
-No, no, she's not.
-No.
-Oh. (LAUGHS)
She's dying on the inside.
(CHUCKLES)
That's hilarious.
It was a funny joke.
Yeah.
MOLLI:
Really, dude? With a fan?
Yeah. I think she's really cool.
By cool, do you mean hot?
MAX:
Look.
I don't do one-night stands,
but we've been on a few dates,
and you know,
I know this might
be really early to say,
but I think
she might be the one.
-You're kidding.
-MAX: No.
There's like, this energy
about her. I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Is it that she's very young
and she hasn't been
ground down
by the insufferable existence
of everyday life yet?
(SCOFFS) She's two years
younger than us.
MOLLI: (LAUGHS)
Two years on what planet?
-Hilarious.
-MOLLI: What does she do?
Uh, she does cybermedia
for this hypershield company.
Oh. She gave me one.
Check it out.
-(HYPERSHIELD WHIRS)
-It's kinda cool.
-Do you need a hypershield?
-MAX: No.
It will probably break down
in a week,
and I'll throw it
in the trash dimension.
But anyways,
that's just her day job.
She's really into biohacking.
Like tech stuff. Like me.
Like sometimes,
we'll be in the same room,
and we'll both be looking
at our phones,
and we don't feel the need
to fill the silence
all the time.
-It's just-- it's nice.
-Wow.
That-- Yeah, that's cool.
It's great.
It sounds very deep.
Very awesome.
Why do you have to be like that?
It's just you're my best friend.
And I-- I have high standards
for you. That's all.
I just don't want you to settle.
MAX:
Well, I appreciate that.
It's just--
it would mean a lot to me if you
two became friends, you know?
Okay.
I will make a sincere effort.
You promise?
MOLLI:
I promise.
So, like, that's why I replace
one of my eyeballs
with a digiball
is so that I can just type
by looking around, you know?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
Like, I just texted like,
three friends back,
and you had no idea
what I was doing. (CHUCKLES)
-No idea.
-CASSIE: Crazy!
-Didn't know. Zero idea.
-CASSIE: It's amazing.
That's amazing. That's--
Uh, what happened to your foot?
-Oh, this?
-(BOOT BEEPS)
CASSIE:
This is so I can keep
like, one foot in cyberspace
at all times.
It's just like super dope.
Um, you know,
what I'm dying to ask you,
serious talk.
What was Max like
before he was famous?
Oh. Um, same old, you know?
Like same old Max.
It's just I don't know,
change is an illusion,
and we're all just like
trapped within the confines
of our own inherited
personalities anyways.
So, you know...
So, he was just like,
born a genius?
-MOLLI: Uh--
-Oh, my God.
He's just, like-- He's so cool.
You know what I mean?
And like, all his friends
are so cool.
And, like, you're so--
I-- honestly,
I love the way you dress, too.
Like, you're so freaking cool.
Did I already tell-- Oh, my God.
I'm babbling. I'm so sorry.
I know that I come across
as like really annoying.
Really like super annoying,
but I'm not as annoying
as I used to be,
I promise you that.
I just, like--
I really want you to like me.
You know what I mean?
Like, you're really important
to Max's life.
And so, that means
you're important to me.
And I just really
want you to like me.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
No, I do. Yeah. Yeah. No.
I li-- Yeah. Everyone likes
you. Yeah.
-(CASSIE LAUGHS) Okay.
-No, you are uh, liked!
(LAUGHS) Thank you. Yeah.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Thank you.
You know, speaking of Max,
should we go...
-Oh, go.
-MOLLI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean like,
if that's what you wanna do.
Like, yeah. Let's go.
-MOLLI: Okay.
-Okay.
-MOLLI: Yeah.
-Okay, um--
-We can-- Great, yeah.
-CASSIE: Yeah, let's go.
People say I have really good
ideas for robots. I don't know.
-If you ever wanna--
-(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, sorry.
She told me not to do that.
-(CHUCKLES)
-Uh, yeah.
I'm a rebel.
Did you guys know
you're wearing, like,
the exact same shirt
right now?
Did you even realize that?
Did you text and coordinate?
You know, a bunch of my clothes
have gone missing lately,
and then I just found
these two shirts in my closet.
And Molli was actually like,
"You've never looked
more handsome!"
-(CHUCKLES)
-I know. It's hilarious, right?
It's hilarious. Shut up.
Thank you.
(BOTH CHUCKLES)
Welcome back to So You Think
You Can Rule The Galaxy?
For months, we've watched
all competitors
debase themselves,
and it's all come down to this,
the final statement.
All right.
Uh, people of the galaxy,
you've seen me sing,
you've seen me dance.
Uh, sorry about the singing.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
You even watched as a doctor
inspected my genitals on live TV
to prove without a doubt that
there was no eczema down there,
and there wasn't.
(CHUCKLES) Free and clear.
And that still wasn't enough
for a lot of you.
So, here's what I'll say.
There are actually
a lot of really valid reasons
to dislike me.
I don't even like myself
some days. (CHUCKLES)
And you know,
you should criticize me,
and you should hold me
accountable for those things.
-(YAWNS MOCKINGLY) Boring.
-RACHEL: But please take, like,
five minutes to think
about why you hate me.
-(AUDIENCE BOOS)
-Whoo! Awkward.
That was absolutely awful.
Turbs, what do you think?
Uh, Rachel's a bitch.
Schmucky rules!
Uh, trash dimension all the way.
-Vote Turboschmuck.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
-(FARTS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Yeah.
And now, the moment you've all
been waiting for.
Cheesecorp's News Division
just called it for Turboschmuck.
No, that's impossible.
Oh, my God. My foot--
my foot's going crazy right now.
The winner
and new ruler of the galaxy
-is Turboschmuck!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
ALL:
What?
-Come over here. Get on.
-Wow! Wow, wow.
Uh, first of all,
I just wanna say a big
"eat sh*t" to all my fans
and the whole Turbo team.
WALTER:
I know things seem
pretty bleak right now,
but I don't think he believes
in any of that world w*r stuff
he was saying.
He just said that to win.
Second, I would like to clarify
that I really do believe
all of that horrible stuff
that I said.
-(CHUCKLES) He's joking.
-I'm not joking.
I'm going to k*ll you all.
And as soon as I can figure out
how, I'm going to merge
our reality
with the trash dimension.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
-Thank you.
-That's absolutely marvelous.
I can't believe this.
CASSIE:
I'm getting
so many texts right now.
BRYAN:
Now, listen, T-Schmuck,
what does this mean for you
in the black hole community?
Yeah. All the stupid pussies
out there wanna avoid
the black hole.
But now that it's Turb-o-clock,
we're gonna speed it up,
and bring that thing over here.
Black hole time.
-We'll make it happen.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
-(AUDIENCE GASPS)
-CASSIE: Oh, my God!
-(SCREAMS)
-(BODY THUDS)
(LAUGHS, CHOMPS)
Wait, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait. I got it.
There's a post. There's a post
that's going around right now,
and if we all repost it
right now,
we're gonna be able to make
a huge difference
and stop all these terrible
things from happening, okay?
I'm sending it to you right now.
There we go.
We're fighting back already.
Uh, posted. Viva la resistance!
(CHUCKLES) You know?
Wait. Did you post it?
Yeah,
you just literally told me to.
You shouldn't have posted that.
Wait, we can't post that.
That post means
that we are the problem.
We are the ones causing
all of the bad things to happen.
-Wait, we can't post that. Wait.
-Okay.
Wait, they're also saying
it means
that we hate the fish-people.
I don't hate-- I don't.
Dude, I don't.
CASSIE:
Oh, my God
I'm not technically
a fish-person,
but I am fish-adjacent.
Look, you have to post
an apology post right now.
You have to clarify
that you love the fish-people.
-Do that right now.
-I'm sorry, fish-people. Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
Okay. Well, hey,
maybe this is a good thing.
Okay.
How could it be a good thing,
Walter?
Because now, people
will wake up, right?
And they will come together,
right?
And things will change.
And we won't all die.
That'd be ridiculous. You know,
maybe this is the best thing
that ever happened. It's my
happiest day of my life!
CASSIE:
Oh, my God. We have to stop
eating cheese right now.
-Oh, wait. Oh, wait.
-CASSIE: This cheese has to go.
Don't throw away
really good cheese just
-because the world is ending.
-We can't have the cheese here.
Why'd you even bring it?
-Guys, calm down! Guys!
Listen to me. We are not
throwing away the cheese!
I'm trying to save the world,
Walter!
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
-(LAUGHS)
Everyone, stop!
(BREATHS HEAVILY)
Okay, okay, Molli?
Hey, hey, hey.
Just remember
how we used to do it, right?
Repress it. (INHALES DEEPLY)
Bottle it up. Clinch it!
Stop, stop.
Molli? Look at me. Look at me.
You're gonna be okay.
Breathe.
Focus.
(SNIFFLES) I... I can't.
Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Show me that handshake
we used to do.
Do you remember?
(BREATHS HEAVILY, SNIFFLES)
It goes, right?
(SNIFFLES)
Oh, that's right.
Come on.
Babe, are you okay?
(SOBS, SNIFFLES)
Shut up, Walter.
()
How are you doing?
I'm fine. Time feels weird.
I kinda feel
like I'm in a flashback,
-but also not.
-Yeah.
They just keep changing
the aspect ratio.
I used to think about the past
with regret.
But now, I think about it
with nostalgia.
You know how we have these
single-biome planets?
You know, like ice planet,
desert planet, uh, city planet.
I read this article
where these archaeologists,
they found this ancient
origin planet
where humans started
before they, like, spanned out
throughout the galaxy,
and they had 15
different biomes.
It was paradise.
Yeah. I read an article
that said the reason
no one lives on that planet
anymore is because humans
destroyed it.
-So...
-Ah. I'm only half human.
So, don't look at me.
-I saw your post.
-(SYSTEM BEEPS, WHIRS)
Hello, denizens of cyberspace.
It's me, Max.
I'd like to publicly clarify
that I am a fish-person.
That's right.
And I'm also against
any and all policies
that have to do with murdering
me and anyone like me.
m*rder is m*rder.
And um...
and smash and subscribe.
Why you gotta politicize
things, Max?
(USERS CLAMOR)
I mean, I think
you did the right thing.
-I'm sure that wasn't easy.
-I mean, I did the bare minimum.
I don't even know
if I made a difference.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
It's so hard to know
if anything we do
makes any difference.
-Yeah. So, what's new with you?
-Nothing.
Oh. I think I finally found
a good therapist, though.
-I feel really confused.
-That's okay.
-Lots of people feel that way.
-Really?
Yeah. Have you thought
about getting a new
-power crystal for your magic?
-No. I didn't know that I could.
I can write you a prescription.
They're not for everyone.
But it might be worth a try.
It could help you regulate
your magic a little bit.
Okay.
You are not alone.
Plenty of people suffer
from these magic-related
conditions.
I don't know.
I finally feel like I understand
what's been going on
in my brain.
I've never been so excited
to not be special.
-MAX: That's great!
-Yeah.
-Oh. And I quit my job.
-Really?
-MOLLI: Yeah.
-Wow!
I'm, like, really excited
to take some time off.
-(MACHINE WHIRS)
-How's the new job?
It's hard. Uh, but it's good.
It's good. Yeah.
You know, the hours are long,
and the pay is bad,
and um,
the people are annoying.
Um, and the commute is terrible.
Um, but I don't know.
It feels good to, um,
feel like I'm doing something
that makes a small difference.
So... We're actually trying
to put water back on Oceanus.
Oh, wow. Really?
How's that going?
-MOLLI: Very slowly. Yeah.
-(MACHINE WHIRS)
I have the workload
of about three people.
But hey, at least
there's two of me, right?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) So...
She's mad at me right now,
because I'm making her
use her powers for paper work.
I mean, it's nice to have a job
where you can use your magic,
right?
Turns, out that most people
who work for non-profits
are magical, or masochists,
or both.
-What are you up to?
-I'm building a robo-cycle.
Oh. Uh, I thought the league
didn't allow this.
Oh, look at you.
Knowing stuff about the league.
Oh, yeah. I don't know.
Walter watches
the minor leagues,
and he kinda got me into it,
so...
Well, it's not for the league.
It's for me.
I'm trying to reinvigorate
my passion for robotics
or something.
-MOLLI: That's great!
-Yeah.
Also, I'm really sorry
that Walter keeps pitching you
his stupid ideas for robots.
Oh, no worries.
Everybody has an idea
for a robot
they want me to build.
How are you and Walter doing?
Honestly, we're good.
We're like really good.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
I think I'm gonna break up
with Walter.
Really? Why?
He gave me a sword
for my birthday.
-MAX: What?
-Yeah.
It's like why would he think
I want or need that?
MAX:
What kind?
-MOLLI: It's a laser sword.
-MAX: Oh.
I don't know what brand.
Do you want it?
MAX:
I-- No, I don't. Not really.
It has like,
a really weird size.
It was like, made for an elf
or something.
I don't know.
Maybe it was a re-gift.
You don't still
have that shrink ray, do you?
-I don't.
-(SWORD WHIRS)
I chucked it
into the trash dimension.
All roads lead
to the trash dimension.
MAX:
Mm-hmm.
What's the appropriate
amount of time to keep a gift
before you throw it away?
(SIGHS) I don't know.
There are just some questions
we'll never have any answers to.
Yeah. The whole thing
feels like a sign.
Like, he doesn't even
really know who I am.
And we're getting to that age
where it's like
if you don't see a future
with someone,
it doesn't make sense
to stay in it
just because it's pleasant.
I feel like I'm at a similar
crossroads with Cassie.
-Really?
-MAX: What do you think of her?
Now that you know her,
be honest.
Yeah, she's great.
You know, it doesn't matter
what I think
as long as she makes you happy.
Yeah.
Do you like Walter?
I do. He has really grown on me.
He's a-- he's a nice guy.
Yeah. He is nice.
And yeah, no.
I shouldn't give up on him.
You're right.
-I've made so much progress.
-MAX: Yeah.
I feel like we're finally
finding balance in our lives.
Yeah.
I'm cautiously optimistic
about our future.
MOLLI:
Yeah. Me, too.
Hey, did you hear those rumors
about how there's gonna
be another plague?
MAX:
What?
There's not gonna be a plague.
-Okay?
-MOLLI: No, you're right.
-(SIREN WAILING)
-(EXPLOSIONS)
MAX:
Hey, are you okay?
Did you lose
your sense of taste?
I don't think so.
I still hate reality TV. You?
Yeah. I watched a network
TV show, and I was like,
"This is bad."
Did you hear
that they have a lot
-of secret handshakes?
-MOLLI: What?
MAX:
Yeah, secret handshakes!
-No, they can't do that!
-MAX: I know.
No!
It's almost impossible
to enforce.
The entire world
is going to sh*t!
-Hey!
-It's all terrible!
-What? What's going--
-Everything is so messed up.
-Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
-It's awful, and it's bad.
-And it's--
-What is going on?
(BREATHS HEAVILY)
Walter broke up with me.
Oh.
Once he found out the plague
was actually happening,
he went on this spiral,
and started like babbling
about you know,
how we only live once.
And I don't know.
He wants to spend his life
with someone
who actually likes him.
(SNIFFLES)
He's an idiot, Molli. I'm sorry.
I never liked him.
No, he was right.
I didn't even like him.
The whole time, I was just
repressing my feelings.
And now, they're all
just pouring out of me.
Uh, well, maybe
it's a good thing.
(SNIFFLES) I don't know.
-What's wrong with me?
-Hey.
Nothing is wrong with you.
You're fine.
-(SMOOCHES)
-(GROANS SOFTLY)
Come on. It doesn't have to mean
anything.
-I know. I--
-It can just be fun.
I can't. No. No. I can't.
I'm sorry.
(SNIFFLES)
Um,
I don't wanna be your rebound.
(SNIFFLES)
Yeah. Um, yeah. Okay.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Me and Cassie are moving
to Oceanus
to be closer to my dad
until the plague is over.
What? Um... you--
you hate your dad.
Well, things are better,
you know?
He's been going to therapy,
and...
So, you're like doubling down
on Cassie? Really?
Yeah.
Okay. Uh...
well, I think
you're making a huge mistake.
I mean, she's nice,
but come on.
-Max, you can do better.
-Don't do that.
Don't try to bring me down,
because you're drowning.
I'm not trying to be mean.
I'm just being honest.
I-- You know, I--
If your friends won't tell you
the truth, who will?
Okay.
Well, if we're being honest,
then why did you just try
to kiss me?
-I don't know. Okay?
-MAX: You don't know?
I'm stupid and--
and-- and-- insecure.
I don't know.
It was stupid. I don't know.
Okay. You know what?
I'm gonna go for it.
Um...
-I'm in love with you.
-No. Don't do that.
Yeah. And I've loved you
for a long time.
-MOLLI: Come on.
-And-- and-- and
I think
you feel the same way.
Okay. Uh, what about Cassie?
You're-- (CHUCKLES)
10 seconds ago, you guys
were moving in together.
And now, you're in love with me?
-Do you love me or not?
-Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for this to turn
into some-- some big thing.
-I-- I--
-Do you love me or not?
It's not fair to give some
big ultimatum, Max.
-I think you do love me.
-Of course, I love you.
Of course, I love you.
Okay? But we tried the Pubox,
and it didn't work.
Things-- things are different,
you know? We've changed.
Have we?
I don't feel different.
I don't think you're different.
I...
We shouldn't just like,
jump into what could become
an unhealthy relationship
because--
We're already in an unhealthy
relationship.
Can't you see that?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I want.
Um...
I don't know who I am,
and um...
I love you. Uh, I just don't--
I don't know if it's the right
type of love.
(SNIFFLES)
Right.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
-MOLLI: Okay?
-Yeah. You're right.
Uh, we're going in circles.
There's no point doing that.
Okay.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna leave.
-MOLLI: No, don't go.
-Yeah. I-- I wanna leave.
Come on. You know, just stay,
and like hang out, and--
-'Cause-- cause
-MAX: No.
I just--
I don't want you to leave.
Yeah, I just think I should.
There's nothing I can say
to make you stay?
Yeah, there is.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I just
don't think you're gonna say it.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Yeah.
All right. Well, I love you.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I love you, too.
()
MAX: (ON MESSAGE MACHINE)
Hey. You've reached
Max's message machine.
Um, leave me a message
or don't.
-Whatever you want really.
-(LINE BEEPS)
MOLLI:
Hey, Max!
Uh, it's me uh, Molli.
Um, yeah, it's been a while.
So, um--
-(LINE BEEPS)
-MOLLI: Hey, Max! It's Molli.
Would love to hang out.
-(LINE BEEPS)
-Stop avoiding me. (CHUCKLES)
-(LINE BEEPS)
-MOLLI: Max! What's up?
-(LINE BEEPS)
-Can you just call me back?
Um, I'm worried. Um--
-(LINE BEEPS)
-I get it.
Uh, I will stop calling,
and give you some space.
No pun intended.
-Quantum zone, this is Max.
-MOLLI: Hey! Hey!
Hey! Sorry, quantum zone
is both busy and not busy
at the same time. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, what? What--
what's the quantum zone?
Oh, quantum zone.
Okay, that's great.
Good question. Uh, you ever
heard of Schrdinger's cat?
What? No.
MAX:
In quantum mechanics,
there's this theory
about Schrdinger's cat.
They take this cat,
and they put it in a box
with a radioactive vial.
And since you can't see
inside the box,
the cat technically
is both alive and dead
-at the same time.
-Okay?
So, anyways, that cat took
that idea and uh,
turned it into a podcast.
And then they took the podcast,
and they adapted it
into its own dimension.
And it's crazy. It's wild.
Everything's just topsy-turvy,
and upside down, and--
Anyways, sorry
I missed your calls,
I was on the other line,
uh, with you.
(SLURP, GULP)
-What?
-It makes perfect nonsense.
Just trust me. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Uh, well, I thought
you were on Oceanus.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah! I'm okay. I'm okay.
And I'm not okay.
Uh, I quit the league?
-What?
-I don't know.
What's the point
in making robots anymore?
Because it makes you happy.
I think I just need a pivot,
and I think there's a value
in knowing when to give up
and move on.
Like uh,
me and Cassie broke up.
Oh. Um...
I'm so sorry to hear that.
No. It's fine.
Uh, we were on Oceanus.
And it was very quantum zone-y.
And we were together,
but I was never really there.
-You know what I mean?
-Wait. Um...
I just-- I'm sure-- (SIGHS)
Sorry.
Are we okay?
Yes. You and I are fine.
But we're also not fine.
I think we're gonna end up
being just like those friends
who kinda like meet up
once a year,
and have some like,
wistful lingering resentment
about how things
could have been,
-but they weren't.
-I-- I don't want that, though.
No, no, no! Me neither.
Look, when the plague
never ends,
you and I are gonna retreat
outside,
and we're gonna eat
some beverages. Deal?
Max, I'm-- I'm worried
about you.
MAX:
No, no, no! Don't be.
I'll see you soon.
Okay, I gotta go. You're calling
on the other line.
Okay. All right. Bye.
Quantum zone, this is Max.
Hey! Sorry, quantum zone
is both busy and not busy
at the same time.
(MAX CHUCKLES)
(SNIFFLES, CHUCKLES)
Cool.
(SOBBING)
()
(SPACESHIP APPROACHING)
-(SYSTEM BEEPING)
-COMPUTER: Warning.
Warning. Black hole approaching.
-MOLLI: I'm just looking.
-Warning.
COMPUTER:
Warning.
Black hole approaching.
-Calm down.
-COMPUTER: Warning, warning.
Black hole approaching.
- Warning, warning.
-sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
COMPUTER:
Black hole approaching.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
-COMPUTER: Warning. Warning.
-(ALARM BLARING)
-sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
COMPUTER:
Black hole approaching.
-Molli?
COMPUTER:
Black hole approaching.
Molli.
-COMPUTER:
Warning. Black hole approaching.
-Molli!
-COMPUTER: Warning. Warning.
Black hole approaching.
Molli!
Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
Um, what's-- what's going on?
What does it look
like it's going on?
-Oh, my God. Are you...
-Triangulon, god of love.
-Ever heard of me?
-Oh, sh*t.
-Um, I'm such a big fan.
-Oh, my me. Thank you!
You're so sweet. Okay, listen.
I am here to help you
in your time of need.
So, what troubles you, my child?
Why are we hanging out
next to black holes?
Oh! Uh... (SCOFFS)
That. Um, yeah.
-I-- I was just looking at it.
-Come on, Molli! Be real.
What's going on?
I don't know. Uh... (SCREAMS)
It's like you grow up,
and you read these stories
of great adventure,
about heroes who are born
to these epic destinies, right?
And every step of their journey
means something,
and it all adds up.
And then-- and then we think
that our lives
are gonna turn out like that,
right?
And in reality,
we have no idea if the objects
that we acquire along the way
are talismans or just trash,
you know?
Like, like if we are the heroes
of our own story
or just the background character
in someone else's.
Holy sh*t, dude!
That was deep. Wow.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
(BREATHS DEEPLY)
Everything you just said
is true.
But the good news,
love is the answer.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. Crazy, right?
I am love. I'm the answer.
(GIGGLES)
-f*ck you.
-Excuse me?
That's what you're gonna f*cking
say to me right now? f*ck you!
-f*ck you!
-f*ck you!
I am a god!
You cannot talk to me like that.
I can talk to you however
the f*ck I wanna talk to you!
(SOS)
sh*t!
I am so bad at this.
Stupid! So stupid, Triangulon!
Why can't I do anything right?
Oh. Uh, no. I-- It's okay.
No, it's not okay. I suck.
What?
TRIANGULON:
I'm kind of a fickle bitch.
I show up late to things
all the time.
I ask my friends
to borrow money.
I cause a lot of wars.
People do things in my name
all the time.
And I'm like, "Dude, not cool."
But I also like,
provide meaning and stuff.
Yeah. I mean, totally.
That-- that's a lot.
I don't know. (SCOFFS)
The universe
hardens our tushies.
It can turn us into bitter,
mean creatures
grasping for control
and meaning,
and it's freaking hard
to stay open and empathetic
in a world that is constantly
telling you,
"You're a worthless
piece of sh*t."
So, the only way to get
through it is to find my ass.
How do I find your ass?
Generally, I like dark,
damp places,
not too much sunlight.
I love crystals.
I chill inside them a lot.
They're dope.
Let's see. I'm inside magic.
And uh, I really like
to hang out inside people.
People who make you feel valued,
who acknowledge your weaknesses
along with your strengths.
Who see you
for who you really are
and who you can be.
Max. It's always been Max.
-Who?
-Max!
No, dude. I'm talking about
you!
I am inside you. Gosh!
Plus, Max is stuck
in the quantum zone,
and he's not getting out
of there.
Wait, what? What do you mean?
Uh, the quantum zone is kinda
like the trash dimension,
or like a music festival
parking lot
where it's relatively easy
to get in there.
But once you wanna leave,
it's like impossible to get out.
What you should really
be worried about
is that black hole.
What are you gonna do
about that?
Uh, I thought
you were gonna save me from it.
Oh, emotionally, yes.
(GULPS) But physically, no.
You're on your own there.
-MOLLI: Oh. Uh--
-(LAUGHS) Hey!
I'ma poop you out now.
Good luck, Molli!
-And remember--
-MOLLI: What? Wait!
-I'm the opposite of capitalism.
-What? What?
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
-()
-(ALARM BLARING)
TRIANGULON:
I am inside you.
()
I feel like the whole rivalry
between cats and dogs
is just overrated.
I never understood it.
(CHUCKLES) No? Everybody--
Okay.
Catch you later!
-(SPACESHIP WHIRS)
-(ALARM BLARING)
(expl*si*n)
(GRUNTS)
It's okay.
I have insurance!
(PANTS)
I wanna be with you
if you're still open to that.
I don't think it's that easy.
It isn't, is it?
Classic quantum zone, right?
I wish you were wrong,
but I think you were right.
I don't think
we've actually changed.
I've been there and um,
it's a hopeless way to live.
Yeah, but what if it's true,
though?
Life is so complex
and overwhelming.
And it's so hard to figure out
what's
real and what isn't,
what matters and what doesn't.
Whether your feelings betray you
or if they are
your only compass.
But what I do know
is that you're the person
who's always been there
to help me
figure those things out.
I know that change is real,
because you've changed me.
Our past experiences make us
who we are,
but they don't define us.
-Then what does?
-MOLLI: A million things.
The things we do
and the things we don't,
by our successes
and our failures.
Things about us that change
and things that stay the same.
By who loves us
and by who we love.
Because love is the thing
that keeps us sane
in a world that's gone crazy.
And what I realized is...
(SOBS SOFTLY)
...I love me.
Wait. (CLEARS THROAT) What?
Yeah. I mean, I'm flawed,
and imperfect,
and I make
all kinds of mistakes,
-but I'm actually really cool.
-Yeah.
MOLLI:
And you know,
I'm interesting to talk to,
and I'm funny,
and it's easy to be all like,
"You just gotta love yourself,"
and sound all woo-woo,
but that actually means
in practice is
I deserve
to be with someone great.
I deserve you.
Okay.
-Okay?
-Okay.
I'm gonna kiss you now.
-MOLLI: Okay.
-Okay.
()
So, how do we get outta here?
All roads lead
to the trash dimension.
So?
So, can I pitch you an idea
for a robot?
Okay.
-Okay.
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
-(MACHINES WHIRS)
(ROBOT WHIRS)
(SYSTEM BEEPING)
According to my calculations,
the whole thing is a paradox.
So, we have to go in a circle
to go forward.
Exactly.
(ROBOT WHIRS)
()
(BLOWS)
Glorp is non-toxic.
Don't believe that guy
who said that it was.
And believe me.
If we knew where he was,
we would tell you because we
don't.
And I don't know
where he is either.
People are being really awful
to Max right now.
And it's actually not okay.
It's actually not okay,
and it's making me freak out!
I'm gonna freak out
on some people.
I will get violent.
I will not hesitate.
I love you more!
No, I don't. I do!
Oh, it's complicated.
MOLLI:
You know, let's say,
"Yes." And let's check-in.
-Let's do a hard "Yes."
-MOLLI: Okay.
And I'll put it in my planner
in pen.
Got my phone number?
-We have it.
-MOLLI: We have it.
-We have it.
-What is it?
-(MOLLI LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS)
()
Can you describe
the perfect date?
Uh, my perfect date
would be a long walk
on the beach at sunset,
a beautiful candlelight dinner,
where at some point,
I slip something
into my date's drink
that makes her unconscious.
I drag her home to my house.
I starve her to death
in my basement.
And then I eventually eat her.
-Genocide. Is it good?
-No!
Can we get a--
fluff the tentacle, please?
No, no, no. I'm--
You don't need it.
It's just... It's okay.
It's not-- it's not you.
(SMOOCHES, MOANS)
(BOTH LAUGHS)
Some people wanna know
what's inside Glorp.
And to that I say, stop it!
Don't ask!
You don't need to know!
That's a wrap?
That's a wrap! (LAUGHS)
(ALL CHEER)
Molli and Max in the Future (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3
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