03x15 - TP2: Judgement Bidet

[bunniefuu]

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(Panicked screams, sirens wail)

News anchor: Panic in the streets

as the toilet paper shortage hits week eleven!

- Get yer leaves here!

Big, soft, assorted leaves!

News anchor: The police have no leads.

- This is terrible, Beth!

I'm down to my last comic book!

Ironically it's The Brown Cobra, number .

- And I had to use my best teddy!

He's just not the same anymore.

Last night I wanted to TP my neighbours house,

but had to use streamers!

They thought I was throwing them a party!

(Sniff) They thanked me! (Crying)

- Aw. Let's dry those tears.

Anyway, ol' Chef here has a great fix

for the toilet paper problem.

Meet the SHRED-PRO !

It'll turn all your crummy art projects

into something with actual value.

For wiping butts. Watch.

- Hey! I was really proud of that!

- Maybe you should set that bar a little higher.

(Whirring)

Huh. Not much room for error,

but it's better than nothin'!

- I feel especially bad for Owen.

He's been holding it since the toilet paper shortage started.

How you feelin', buddy?

- Like four chocolate puddings crammed into one cup.

This TP mystery needs to get solved right now

or I'm going to explode!

- I'm sure the police are working on--

- I said right now! (Stomach rumbling)

- Okay! I might have a plan.

My intel suggests Chef's lying about the TP situation

here at the school. - Your "intel"?

- You learn a lot about people's bathroom habits

when your nose is the same height as their butts.

Duck.

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(Whirring)

(Beeping, lock clicks)

(Heavenly music sting)

(Greedful chuckle)

(Screams)

- Chef, how could you?!

- I'm sorry! I've kept a secret stash of TP.

What was I supposed to use?!

- Yesterday you told me to use a can of soup

'cause it was the same shape!

- I know, I'm a bad man!

But this is my last roll, I swear.

- This is ours now.

You got a problem with that, call this number!

- Oh you better believe I "got a problem with that".

(Phone rings)

- Toilet Paper Police, hold please.

(Scatting)

- Okay.

I can tell they're gonna take this very seriously

by their high quality hold-music.

(Izzy scatting, Chef snapping finders)

- Well? What'cha waiting for?

- Well...I don't think there's enough left on this roll

to take care of what I got going on.

(Grumbling) - Okaaaaay. T. M. I.

- We need to find ALL the TP,

and I know how... with this!

- Wow, Harold. Where'd you get all this spy gear?

- From the spy store.

It was key to making the bathroom look

completely natural.

(Beeps on, lasers hum)

- It's too bad that our TP sting had to be tonight.

We're missing the finale of "Master Dog Chef."

- That's tonight?! - Quick! Find it!

(Channels clicks) (Dog pants)

All: (Laughing)

- Wow. What a finale.

- I can't believe they disqualified Rex

just for peeing on the judges.

- I know! Dogs gonna dog, amiright?

- Wait, why are we wearing these headsets?

All: (GASP) THE TOILET PAPER!

(Static)

All: NO!!! - Wait. What's that?!

- I know that tail. To the sewers!

- It's a maze down here,

how're we supposed to find this "Sewer Mike" guy?

Uh, does anybody else hear music?

- I think it's coming from over there. Come on!

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- Whoa. Guess we found out

where all the toilet paper ended up.

Sewer Mike (announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for Sewer Mike!

- Hide!

- (Cheesy chuckle) Oh, please! You're too kind.

GOSH. What a reception!

This is a little number

about the worst toilet innovation ever.

♪ Welllllllll... Low-flow's a no-go ♪

♪ When you go, how I go ♪

♪ Just like a rhino wear-ing a kimono ♪

♪ Low-flow! No-go! ♪

♪ Rhi-no! Kimono! ♪

♪ Let's flush the whole thing downnnn! ♪

Thank you!

- I shoulda mentioned Sewer Mike is wonky in the head.

'Cause he is.

- (Soft whimper crying) - Uh oh. Owen?

Is it time? It's okay.

No one can hold it forever.

- No! It's the song!

That gator has the voice of a rough-skinned angel!

Great voice or not, let's rescue all this TP

before Sewer Mike notices we're here.

The last thing we need is to get trapped down here

with an unhinged karaoke singing-

toilet-paper-stealing gator--

He's right behind me, isn't he?

(Loud roar)

- (Screaming)

- Don't worry. Chef has for sure noticed we're missing,

and is probably gonna come around the corner

to rescue us right now. Or maybe now.

OR NOW. Or now? Where is he?

(Scatting, snapping fingers)

- (Snarling) - Are...

are you gonna eat us? - Maybe later.

Right now I wanna know what you're doing with my audience.

- This toilet paper belongs to every--

Sorry did you say "audience"?

- I did! They're the best audience ever!

Kind. Supportive.

Ultra absorbent.

- I'm not sure how absorbency is a--

- It all started a few months ago...

I'd just returned from a party at a daycare

that turned out to be a bit of a washout.

- He means chasing kids through the sewers

like a big dork cuz they didn't wanna be his friend.

- Have you ever eaten alligator?

- No. - Well, I've eaten kid.

So maybe less interrupting?

-(Loud gulp) Okay.

- Anyway I got home to find this guy.

- (Gasps) MR. TP? You're alive!

I guess a text was too much to ask?

- MR. TP was my first audience member.

It was a game changer!

I craved a bigger audience. So I went up and stole them!

And as my audience grew so did my skill.

Until I became the greatest talent...

IN THE SEWER!

- Well, stealing is wrong!

All this TP belongs up there!

Before it comes back down here.

- Sounds like I only have two choices:

Let you take my fans and live a sad unfulfilled life,

OR, eat you and continue to be happy.

What to do... what to do...?

(Scared whimpering) - Shhh.

He's thinking. I've got a good feeling about--

- I'm gonna eat'cha! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

- WAIT! What if I get you an audience

that's better than toilet paper?

- Hmm. Hard to say no to that.

But if this doesn't work out,

I'll eat you kids twice as hard. Deal?

- Deal. - Cool!

I'll start preparing my vocal chords for this...

better audience.

Harold: This is amazing, Owen!

How'd you get so many people to show up?

- Easy. I promised free TP after the show

if they cheer for everything.

- Thank you. Enjoy the show. And your clean butts!

- (Nervous whine) I'm so nervous.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

- Stop! Relaxxx.

You're gonna be great, Sewer Mike!

- Yeah! And humans are known for being... heh...

friendly and... nonjudgmental.

Especially with reptiles.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for Sewer Mike!

- It's time Mike.

You can do this!

- (Nervous whimper)

(Nervous cough, Mic feedback)

(Applause, cheering)

- Oh, okay. I could get used to this.

- It's working! - Now let's go get that TP!

♪ Low-flow! No-go! Rhi-no! Kimono! ♪

♪ Just flush the whole thing downnnn! ♪

(Cheering) Thank you! Okay!

That one's the first song on my new album!

I'm Mike and... - (Crowd gasps)

- We've been clapping for... an alligator?!

- Get your rotten tomatoes here!

- Ah! (Tomatoes splat, jeering)

- (Crying)

I knew humans could never compete with my TP crowd!

I'm gonna chomp those kids good when I find--

(Wheel squeaks)

All: Eeep. - (Ferocious roar)

(Screaming)

- Don't make me run! Ooh! Ugh!

- (Ferocious roar) - Ahhhh!

(Video game music and beeping)

- WAIT! Guys. This is it for me.

I gotta poop too bad.

I just need a roll and you can go on without me.

- No! Owen! We're almost home! Look!

- Nope. It's, it's my time.

- One. Gross. And two.

I've got you now!

- Quick, get on!

(All screaming)

- What is that? Sounds like three kids and a gator

riding a wagon full of toilet paper!

(All screaming)

Ahhhh!

- I'm in this episode.

(Shredder whirs)

- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Machine beeps)

- You kids'll pay for this!

You'll all pay!

This isn't the last you've seen of Sewer Mike!

(Evil laugh)

(Defeated sigh)

- Well, it all came out okay in the end.

- Speak for yourself! (Loud rumbling)

- OWEN'S GONNA BLOW!

Harold: RUUUUUUUUNNN! (expl*si*n, farts)

Owen: Can somebody pass me the teddy bear?

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