03x38 - The Opening Act

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Chef: (Sighs) What a crazy morning.

Taking a poop seems to be the only way

I can get some peace and quiet.

Beth: CHEF! HELP! HELP! HURRY! - (Farts)

- HELLLLLLLLLP!

- What is it?! What's the emergenceee?!

OOF! (Squeaks)

- We need you to open this jar of pickled eggs for us.

- (Grumbles) Really? Okay.

(Chuckles)

Man, children are weak.

Step back kids,

an adult is about to do impressive adult stuff.

(Drum roll)

Huh. Okay. Here we go.

(Effort grunts)

It's FINE. I GOT IT!

(Effort grunts) I just, (grunts)

need a better grip.

(Effort grunts)

I think I loosened it up...

this is the one...

(High pitched grunts)

(Heavy breathing) That's it!

Rrraaah! Eeennnhhh! Aaahhh!

- This isn't getting weird at all.

- Jar, you're in for a world a hurt.

(Bell dings)

- (Growls) - (Battle cry)

(Clink!)

(Bell dings)

(Wheezing)

- So you're not going to open it?

- I've come face-to-face with my mortality.

- Um, it's just a jar.

- As usual, you're wrong.

It's the cycle of life, kids.

You're born unable to open jars,

then you grow strong enough to open jars.

That's me there. I was in the th grade.

Oh, I'll never forget that strawberry rhubarb jam.

Ho-ho-ho, what a glorious day it was.

My mom was so proud she let me open every jar

in the house: mustard, corn relish,

sweet and sour sauce, I did 'em all!

We ate jars of everything that day

while I screamed "I'm gonna live forever!"

And then, the final stage in the circle of life:

you get so old you can't open jars.

Like ME! Now.

(Sniffles, crying) (Camera snaps)

- Figured you'd want it for your weird jar photo album.

Bring the story to a nice close.

(Crying)

I'm officially OLD.

Time to start crossing things off my bucket list!

Yep, I gotta list of all the things I wanna do...

with this bucket.

Announcer: Next on "Daycare Teachers Got Talent",

the Bucket Boss.

(Drumming) (Audience booing) Boooo!

- Ahhhh! (Tomatoes splat)

- That's a surprising amount of tomatoes.

- This is so exhilarating!

Bucket, I told you to pack the chute!

AHHHHHH!

(Big splash)

(Rollercoaster whirs) All: WOOOOOHOOOO!

- (Gags) All: Yeeaahh!

(Squishy sound) Ewww.

I shoulda cleaned my bucket.

- I can't believe they let Chef volunteer

to go up against their champion

Sir Joust-A-Lot!

(Hooves thunder)

Oof. Ahh!

(Crash, bones cr*ck) - (Pained grunt)

- Uh, way to spill my soda.

- Now that Chef's finished his bucket list

and has completely given up, I'll be doing story time.

(reads) "Jack thought taking care

of an abandoned Colorado hotel in the dead of winter

would be a nice--" (Heavy metal clangs)

- Snack-time.

- (NOM NOM NOM)

This isn't a snack!

It's spice from Handfuls O' Heaven bulk store.

- His moping and refusal to buy anything in jars

or hard-to-open packages has ruined snack-time!

- If we can't fix this I'm gonna snap.

Nobody wants that. - Guys!

I found a picture of Chef's first jar opening.

This is when Chef was at his happiest.

We just need to find something from that time

in his life to rejuvenate him.

There's got to be something here in Chef's old room.

Maybe his th grade yearbook.

- Whoa. Chef was the captain

of his high school Ventriloquism Team?

- Yes. His dummy was named... Sue.

- See that disgusting look in his eyes?

That's HOPE! - Then that's the answer!

We need to get Chef and Sue back together.

Remind him of his happier days.

- Mama Chef, where's Sue now?

- Oh, uh, that doll or whatever,

was, uh, misplaced.

It could be anywhere!

- Why you looking out into your backyard?

- Don't go diggin' for answers.

Some secrets are better left buried.

Beside the vegetable patch. - Hmmm.

- Ring. Ring.

Oh there's my phone.

Owen: (Sighs) I guess we'll never find Sue.

- She buried it in the yard next to the vegetable patch.

We'll come back tonight.

(Owl hoots)

(Effort efforts, clunk)

(All gasp) - Did you find her?!

- Guys, meet... SUE!

(Lightning strikes)

- Another day, another... (Sighs)

(Gasps)

Sue? Is it really YOU?!

Mom said you went to a farm upstate

to entertain feral cats! I can't believe this!

- Awww, look at how happy Chef is.

- I think we did good today.

- So Sue, did you miss me?

(Shrill voice) - Yeah, with every sh*t I took!

(Horrible shriek laugh)

- Oh yeah, this was a mistake.

- Yup. Now we know why his mom buried Sue in the yard.

- Might not be so bad.

Maybe Chef'll just keep Sue in his office.

(Ball thuds)

- Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Pretty exciting, huh Sue?

(Shrill voice) - Oh yeah! He has the ball -

now he has the ball - now he has the ball -

now he has the-- (Snoring)

- Hey Beth, check out our new trick!

(Shrill voice) - Ten, nine, eight, seven...

six - (gasps) five -(gasps) four...

(fast) three-two-one!

(SPITS) (Chokes) Ta-daa!

Isn't Sue great?

- (Mad grunt)

(Snoring)

Sue: AHHH! I'm being buried!

(SHRIEKS)

- Chef, can Sue keep it down?!

- No-ah! Show some empathy!

Sue's having night terrors.

- AHHH! - Shhhh.

- AHHH! AHHH! - It's okay.

Gwen: I can't take any more of this.

- Me either; Sue's gotta go!

- But how? Chef never takes her off.

- We just got to figure out a way to separate them.

And I think I have a plan.

Chef, Owen needs your help in the bathroom!

- Ughhh. Okayyyyy.

- (Shrill voice) Hold on.

I don't wanna see anything in there.

That's unladylike.

- I'll hold Sue while you go in.

- That's okay. I got this.

Sue: All right Owen, which end is it coming out of?

- Well, that didn't work. - I got this.

- Hey Chef, this new juice is... WHOOPS! Sorry Chef!

I got grape juice all over Sue's clothing.

Let me take her and clean'er up.

- Sue doesn't mind the grape juice,

in fact, purple is all the rage right now!

(Splash) - Look at me, I'm trending!

- Here's the plan!

I convinced Cody to fall from the roof

so Chef will drop Sue and catch him.

- I love being catched by people.

- Chef! EMERGENCY! HURRY!

- What is it? Tax cops?! Shred everything!

- Catch meeeee...!

- OH NO! It's okay Cody!

Sue, Grab him!

(Impact grunt, bones cr*ck) (Pained groan)

- Good try, Sue, how about we get some ice cream?

- I'd rather YOU scream than ice cream.

(Horrible shriek laugh)

- Way to ruin the plan, Cody.

- I think I bruised my Brain-ium.

- All our plans failed!

I can't even remember how we got into this mess.

- Was it something about a bucket?

- No, Chef wanted to be a knight.

- No-no-no. It was a jar, remember?

He couldn't open a jar.

- Ohhh. Then this is an easy fix!

(Dialing beeps)

- Hello, Mom? Remember that favour you owe me

for helping you bleach your mustache?

Now that my mom loosened all these jar lids for us

we'll be able to get rid of that creepy Sue doll.

- All right. - Yes. - About time!

- Oh Chef, can you come into the kitchen please?

- This better be important.

Sue and I are working on our comedy album.

- He's totally riding my coattails.

- Chef, I been trying to open this jar but (sigh)

can you pwease help?

- Are you trying to embarrass me in front of Sue?

You know I'm too washed up to open jars now!

- But Chef!

- Did she say OPEN a jar?

Not a chance, he's so old and useless!

- Sue! That's not very nice.

- Oh, I'm sorry...

that you're old and washed up.

(Horrible shriek laugh)

- Wow! She is mean.

- You gonna let'er talk to you like that?

You should teach her a lesson by opening that jar!

- I can't!

My jar opening glory days are over. Look!

(Lid pops open)

WHAAAT!?

- You did it! - You opened the jar!

- I'm back, baby! WOOHOO!

You're open! Open!

Opened! Openarooni!

(Camera clicks) Openada!

Openhagen!

YEAH! I! AM! YOUNG AGAIN!

You see this, Sue,

I'm a jar opening machine!

Sue? Hey, where'd she go?

- When you started opening jars,

Sue said you didn't need her anymore.

- I guess that's true.

It's kind of a relief actually.

I don't know if you guys noticed,

but I found her voice was a little shrill.

Well, wherever she's gone, I hope she's happy.

Oh yeah, I'm sure she's very... chipper.

(Shredder BUZZZZZZZ!)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪