01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

from you and Hamish makes 1750 which is

thank you I'd like to congratulate you

all on paying your rent on time it is a

very wise decision and I trust we make a

similar wise decision this time next

week it's our pleasure mrs. speak to

yourself Henry she's some kind of

masochist mumbling oh no moaning yes did

I detect a little grumbling among the

mumbling I wasn't merely the sound of

stones having blood squeezed out of them

all we were doing was quietly

celebrating the fact that we've just

made you a wealthy woman Perot

120 pound does not make me wealthy makes

you huntin twenty pounds wealthier than

me like all the money that comes into my

hands this is merely passing fruit well

I just place it's going to a good cause

guess what

I'll peruse it at leisure in a month or

two some people of course don't pay

rents today but it's one of the perks of

being her daughter yes you went to get

the other performers from the

Magistrates Court

what does it say define me 200 quid 200

quid just cuz they never receive my road

tax yeah that's not the point

I'm ashamed to live in a country that

picks on people just they've got a bad

memory company that paid for quizzes

nobody school equipment threatening to

repossess it that's not gonna be easy

thanks to the Kilburn Hells Angels is in

about 4,000 different pieces you know

it's a pity the names and addresses of

those Hells Angels a little more

concerned with not having his skin

pulled off so who'd like to buy my van

good morning Richard how are you bloody

terrible I've got two things I cheer you

up as guarantor of I don't know you like

I trust you've typed off my chapter one

yes I got something to say about your

word processor what's that one read if

you take to your publisher and there's

your word processor ready few distinct

mustn't be frightened of this new

technology she's got to make it

understand that you're the boss I try

but it won't believe me or for heaven's

sake woman it comes with instructions

need instructions to read the

instructions and don't call me woman

the salesman assured me a monkey could

operate this machine what a banana help

let's go through it step by step shall

we first select your workstation in

other words is this the best position

for the word processor no then where is

the best position I've narrowed it down

to the dustbin Oh press on ah now this

is the multifunctional keyboard thanks

we've already met this operates the

cursor which can also be controlled by a

mouse so just to recap what we need to

operate this machine is a monkey and now

my patience is wearing paper thin sheila

paper thin Richard I do roughly know how

to work this heap of junk beep oh I just

don't like it that's all and it gives me

I ache I spent most of today trying to

get me head out of a bottle of out

tricks chapter 2 Sheila

I'd like it programmed at your earliest

convenience just not get on with the job

I pay you to do and stop behaving like

an aesthetical Luddite

your neck could be next I shall give you

five seconds to see Sen Sheila I'm

expecting a total u-turn and a handsome

apology well if that's what you're

expecting you're an even bigger Wally

than your word processor processor Wally

the merest sliver of one of its

microchip contained the damn sight more

brain power than you can muster right do

you want to discuss this rationally yes

I do

I'm your bike and pedal right you're

fired

I resign I said it first didn't we said

it at the same time I suggest that you

visit a specialist Sheila try to explain

to him that you're feeling like a

pigheaded ostrich and ask him if it's

irreversible

you know what I think what I think one

of you should buy my van well somebody

say something what can we say Chris it's

so hard to put apathy into words come on

Hamish it goes without saying to be

investing in the future the future of

whom they love me your ultimate ambition

is to open a Scottish restaurant right

well no one ever run a successful

restaurant without a van it just can't

be done a vans essential to getting

supplies he's got a point

you can't hump tons of haggis around on

a push bike when I do open my restaurant

and I will it's gonna be a very upmarket

establishment any metal fatigue in the

vicinity but only lower the tone because

you've got impeccable taste so we have a

deal

deal well just two points I can't drag

and I'm totally broke the last thing I

need at a time like this is to waste my

sales pitch on a pauper

well Henry looks like it's your lucky

day

Wednesday's never my lucky day Chris we

do bacteriology on Wednesdays nice oh

yes it's lovely last week it involved a

prolonged analysis of a contaminated

pork pie sounds fun oh yes yes it is

really quite terrifically amusing

actually one big laugh ha there can be

few Joy's in life to compare with the

pleasures of burying one's nose in

salmonella poisoning sounds like you

need cheering up Henry what you needs a

nice banner no thanks

it'd be the best investment you ever

made you'll be the richest medical

student in town by buying your van back

and Berta get into a private ambulance

ambulance

you'd be coiling it all that van needs

is a mattress in a second done stretcher

and you're in business it's a brilliant

idea you really think so yeah I think

I'll donate my brain to science when I

die yes well you might as well now after

all it won't take up much space

my enemy I won't do look I know this is

a bad time but I really do think that

you should open this electricity bill

you see this envelopes got this little

window and I look through that window

and I saw red Oh God it's a final demand

118 pounds 50 if we don't pay it within

a week they'll cut us off when was that

posted a week ago this could be a good

time for us to join the Foreign Legion

I'm sure you don't even understand if

you gave the money to the electricity

board instead of him so innocent so

trusting so naive so thick

come on Monaco we're gonna be late

just remember Elvis Presley service that

a wheel meant for a fortune

oh so when I'm famous that van will be a

collector's piece it's already a museum

piece I think your best bet is to find a

short-sighted scrap merchants have fun

with you bank manager mom thanks mom now

have I got everything I need wallets

house keys red Kn*fe see if I had 800

quid I could clear all my debts and

still have change per packet of polos

will that be cash mrs. happy

ah it's about my weekly loan repayment

yes this is heaven the manager said

you'd be in a hundred twenty pounds

wasn't it I indeed it was yes but I lost

it no longer is however I would like to

deposit and please reassure mr. Warren

that I will have the balance in a in a

in urges mrs. husband our instructions

were to alert mr. Warren immediately if

there was any shortfall oh I shouldn't

bother about that this is not quite

three hundred and twenty pounds we

agreed is it mrs. Madden not even nearly

no are indeed remotely no in fact it'd

be no exaggeration to say that this is

only one pound fifty yes it is if it's

any consolation to you mr. Warren I'd

just like to say that this is as big a

disappointment to me as it is to you you

had a rather cavalier attitude to the

bank's money mrs. Adler I think you'll

agree this is fairly remarkable even by

your standards

what was I to do mr. Warren it was

either you or the electricity board and

what if they thought that I had a lot

for my 118 pounds fifty mr. Warren

they'd have cut me off without a

kilowatt exactly no it's it's how being

dependent on electricity in fact you

know when all this is blown over I would

like to discuss the possibility of the

banks extending my overdraft so that I

can invest in solar power it's a joke

joke mr. Warren you know Joe I don't

know whether to laugh or cry but I think

on balance I love

because our unhappy Association is about

to end you've left me no choice but to

call upon your guarantor to honor your

debt my guarantor commander Richard

Beamish I believe not while I have

breath in my body I still have half a

day left mr. Loren I told your cashier

I'd have that balance in a jiff and have

it in a jiff I will have it we close at

3:30 mrs. head mr. Warren who's a right

little Bank Erin a great one jardiniere

our mission to get it to the nearest

antique shop all in one piece

they're never so English finish I need

to buy a bit of breathing of space I've

lost my job with Richard my bank

managers showing the whites of his eyes

and frothing and I've got nothing in my

fridge if I don't do something soon I'll

be reduced to reading allotment this is

not Balkan could you not saw something

else that's the Oh God have any real

value I didn't just mean money how do

you mean well when Ben and I first

married he went out to buy me a washing

machine and he came back with that it's

very beautiful but it's hopeless with an

on fast colours

we're talking sentimental value here

right yes every time I look at that

jardinière it reminds me of the first

really blazing row we ever had but

surely even your bank manager wouldn't

want you to part with this listen if it

meant money my bank manager would like

me to part with my leg you're not giving

my ring and at least broach the size you

don't know the man who's got what did

you say

good loving no then after that broach

the subject the subject if you say that

Lorient a nice thank you thank you what

for

auntie Mary's brooch I've forgotten all

about it which is not surprising because

I've been trying to forget about it for

years

alright thought because it's

indescribable enough also very valuable

but mostly meant because I promised her

on her deathbed that I treasure it for

the rest of my life

which means I could any sell the bloody

thing when I'm dead afternoon Hamish

hello Richard were you after mrs. Hadden

when you didn't think these were for you

did you she's open my frayed selling up

job did year what ever for but as much

as you can get which way was she headed

she's with Chris and she went better we

the antique shop in high school

right you stay put I'll sh**t on him and

create a demand how do you think

creatively man

you may not realize how much she wants

this you're not going to do anything you

legalize so I'll look like a criminal

I'm not sick or not sick no matter 90

when you got me know you're doing

business with you sir goodbye old friend

I fear I shall not see your like again

still life must go on

chin up all the tap and peep peep

can I be of assistance

it's a good start the first person I've

met today wasn't pestered miss my

autograph I'm sorry what's a business

the name as you probably know is gripped

Lomax I can be contacted at the Savoy

but only CLE end of the week

come Saturday I'll be winging across to

LA to start work on a new miniseries

with Gerald add a very interesting night

one inquire as to the relevance of this

information my mum she's distraught at

losing her boy to Hollywood distraught I

want to cheer her up with a really nice

farewell Prezi and I can think of

nothing nicer than a tasty jardiniere to

match the one she's got perhaps you'd

like to give me a description well it's

sad this sort of shade all sort of dark

blue we sort of like blue twiddly bits

and it's not a frilly top sort of Art

Nouveau Vulkan sort of rings a bell to

keep your eyes peeled a you'll find the

Savoy in the other pages right you're a

very fortunate man sir

a and your mother is a very fortunate

woman one art nouveau Vulcan coming up

so will it be cash check American

Express or are you merely engaged in

that doomed pursuit of trying to put one

over on the antique dealer Oh No I've

only gonna left my wallet out in the

roller

and try to create a demand all I treated

with a giant it doesn't matter

about that I've changed my mind I'm

gonna sell the brooch you promised you

actually very yeah that's okay which was

a lifelong kleptomaniac I'm gonna sell

it back to the shop she finished it from

like that no court to to that gives me

an hour and a quarter to sell it and get

back to the bank

step on the mule and back to number 20

okay but just remember you're not the

only poor pup with a deadline

what's your deadline to sell this heap

before it runs out of petrol

yes mr. Warren no sorry don't be sorry

if she's not here within 15 minutes my

troubles already name

ah I'm sorry seven anything you still be

where I shouldn't have here I thought

you had an appointment on the golf

course no cost

yes with the chairman of the banner

chain of supermarkets I mean they are

our largest account down there I had

something else on my mind

Oh someone and you could take that silly

smirk off your face

mother is father whether it is fault

definitely his fault

lunatic my fans are right our insurance

will take care of your band will it yes

we're won't be cheap in fact there won't

be any change after days hundred quid

don't worry about six I've got the money

and the bank doesn't close for another

20 seconds

thank you help Chris and yours I'm a

hardy bloke to have around in a crisis

oh you are how did it go Oh like a dream

Hamish I sell the brooch and Chris did

something I've been longing to do for

years he rammed my bank manager and I

got paid for it put the kettle on I'm

telling all about it I want to be alone

with my judging put you back where I can

see you what can I say what can I say

except I've been to the dentist and I'm

a changed man and the name was again

well so did I I certainly did it as well

as you the last thing I want is for my

blockbuster to come between us

please feel free to continue typing on

your trusty portable Oh Richard that's

very generous of you I know how much

your microchips mean to the you yes well

the fact is Sheila that you mean more to

me than a floppy disk you sure know how

to flatter a girl come in I'll make you

something

oh one moment about your jardinière yes

what about a tragic business I know how

much it meant you and I missed you by

seconds at the antique shop however in I

went and there it was

the proprietor mr. Blakely when I told

him the circumstances and I was quietly

pleased when I managed to knock ten

percent off the price

goodbye toothache I know double vision

well Ben life goes on you know I could

trade you in for a new washing machine

now there's nobody up there objected I

could trade you in for a tumble dryer