06x67 - Past Lives

[bunniefuu]

But, so now you're gonna
push me back into school

and that's something I worked
very hard to get out of.

Ok, so-so...

Now I have to go back to school

to take adult education?

Well, you don't have to,
that's the beauty of it.

It's much more exciting...

Dad, as you remember
I'm not good in school.

I didn't do well in college.

I didn't do well in
the thing before college,

what was that called?

High school.

Right, I didn't
do well in high school.

I uh... and all
the other schools.

Well, that's not true.

You excelled in
junior high school.

You were a star athlete,
a straight "A" student.

You know who I'm thinking of?

Who's that kid you
used to hang out with?

Yeah, him... yeah.

Dad, I get the feeling that
adult education is

a place where you normally...

You think you just
wanna go meet people.

Well, it certainly has a social
component that I think...

Well then, you should go alone.

Why? Ben, this is
a great place for you and I...

'Cause you like
the social stuff.

I'm not thrilled about it.

Yeah, but this is a great place
for you to sort of...

It's a great place
to meet chicks.

Close your eyes for one second
and picture us...

Latin ballroom dancing...

Okay.

Introduction to Sushi.

And that's not just,
"Hello, I'm Ben Katz.

You must be, uh,
Tuna Nilgiri", y'know?

I'm talkin' about, they
teach you how to make it.

Why do you do an Italian accent

when you talk about Sushi?

"Tuna Nilgiri".

Ornamental origami?

Hmmm...

Oh, this looks interesting:
Sex and your body.

Origami.

Sex and your body.

I don't particularly
like any of those titles.

I don't wanna do, uh...

Well, lemme see the catalog

and maybe if I see
something I like...

Okay.

Okay.

How about this:
"Past-life regression".

"Broaden your
self-awareness.

Use guided visualization
and relaxation techniques

to regress to several
past-life experiences."

I don't know, Ben.

That makes me a little nervous.

Well, I say we just do
the past-life regression.

It's done, it's chosen.

I mean, I'll do that one.

I'm not gonna do any of
the other ones.

I just think you should know
what your options are.

American cinema in
the 13th century.

What is that?

Well, there're hundreds
of classes in there.

I can't possibly
go through every one.

"Put together five minutes...

Do your own open mic."

Really?

I betcha... hey, that's
not such a bad idea.

You and I are funny guys.

We could be a father/son duo

like, um, Burns and Allen.

Yeah, that was husband and wife

but that's not a bad idea.

I don't think there are
any famous...

Who was the guy
Charlie MacCarthy...

Who was his father?

Edgar.

Yeah.

Is it?

Yup.

No, Joseph.

No, Joseph was Abraham's son.

Lincoln?

I didn't think you liked cream
so I got you milk.

Mmm. Laura, this is so
sweet of you.

It's perfect, it's
exactly how I like it.

You know how long I've been
waiting for this cup of coffee?

I can't believe
that I actually knew.

What do you, uh,
what do you need?

What are you talking about!

In your entire reign here

you have never once
offered me a cup of coffee

without having some kind...

Since when did a person
behaving with kindness

make another person
immediately suspicious?

Uh, I-I owe you
an apology, Laura.

Thank you very much
for your kindness.

Dr. Katz, my sister is
going away

for a couple of days... mm-hmm.

And I'm watching her dog. Yeah?

And um, well, I kinda
wanted to bring

the dog into the office.

Well, that's not acceptable

because this is
a professional office.

And, we'd run into all
kinds of logistical problems,

legal problems. Well,
will you think about it?

I'll think about it,
but I can tell you that

many of my patients...
I know for a fact...

Are allergic to dogs.

What type of dog is he?

Well, he's a Great Dane
and his name is Caesar

and he's so sweet
and it would be really great

if I could bring him into
the office with me,

because-'cause
he's already here.

Laura, I am afraid
of large dogs.

Well, he's not that big.

What kind of Dane is he?

A Great Dane.

See what I'm saying?

Hey, is-is there any...

Is there a history of mental
illness in your family?

No, just a history of uh,
drinkin'

and gettin' mad at people
for drinkin'.

Alcoholism is a disease,
but it's the only disease

that you can get
yelled at for havin'.

Mm-hmm.

Damnit, Otto,
you're an alcoholic.

Damnit, Otto, you have lupus.

One of those two
doesn't sound right.

Tell me about your parents,
Mitch, if you can.

My dad used to be into
coin collecting

which was cool, because
I was into video games.

And then he got into
stamp collecting

and I got into mailing things.

Mm-hmm.

I had a bag of Fritos once,

they were Texas grilled Fritos.

These Fritos had
grill marks on 'em.

Hell yeah!

Reminds me of summer,

when we used to fire up
the barbecue

and throw down on some Fritos.

I can still see my dad
with the apron on.

You better flip that Frito, dad.

You know how I like it.

I have two sisters and
one of them is named Wendy.

And if you ask Wendy
if I was weird,

she'd probably say "yeah".

But that's backwards
'cause she's weird.

She has like
a husband and two children

and they have a family photo
on top of their VCR

where they're all lookin'
slightly to the left.

Mmm...

As though somethin'
is goin' on over there.

The camera is right
in front of you,

but I guess

somethin' happened to the left

that made everybody happy.

So, uh, Mitch, you do exercise?

I play tennis. I'm not
very good at tennis.

The thing that is depressing
about tennis, though

is no matter how good I get,

I'll never be as good as a wall.

I played a wall once.
They're relentless.

I'm not very good at golf
either, you know?

I never got a hole-in-one.

But I did hit a guy...

And that's way more satisfying.

Yeah.

You're supposed to yell "fore"

but I was too busy mumblin'

"There ain't no way
that's gonna hit him."

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

How ya doin', baby?

Mr. Irrera?

Dr. Katz asked me to, um,
speak to you

about paying for
your last three visits.

You're gonna need
to take care of that.

Oh yeah? Ok.
Uh, yeah, I'll pay it.

Oh, oh, wait a second...

I brought my play wallet today

ahhh...
Sorry.

Yeah, I'll give it to you
next time, I promise.

As a matter of fact,
after this session.

I might have left money
out in the car.

Wait a second,
I don't have a car.

Mmmm.

I'll get it to ya, I promise.

Do you take vacation in August?

No, actually I go
against the grain.

I take 3 weeks in July.

And I get all that August, uh...

You get the guys
that need therapy

because their therapists

- are on vacation.
- Right.

Can I come with you
on vacation this year?

Dom, that is...

How much does it cost?

Totally out of the question.
How much does it cost...

My therapist/whore man?

Can't get anything
for free here.

You don't even validate parking.

What d'you mean how
much would what cost?

What do I have to pay
to come on vacation with you?

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura!

Ben.

Ben calling.

Ahem, diddle-de diddle-de,
ha ha ha.

How are ya?

Fine.

Um, Laura?

Yeah?

I wanted to ask you
a serious question.

Do you know anything about
past-life regression?

Um, a little bit.

Hmm, what do you mean by that?

I mean I know that it has
something to do with...

You know, how everybody is
made up of the same molecules

that other people were made of.

Because they travel all around

and you know what I mean.

L-l-l-look at this.

Is that beautiful?

How do you do that?

Uh, well I have
very adroit toes.

My whole family's known
for that.

They used to call
my aunt Yola, "Long Toes".

'Cause she could...
She was like a baboon...

She could pick up this uh,

she could actually pitch
a baseball with her foot.

What's her name, Yola?

Yolanda, it's short for Yolanda.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

She used to flash me
when I was a kid.

She was the first person that
ever exposed herself to me.

In a long line of people that

almost molested me,

or, I think, they were
thinkin' about it.

So I think if I were um,

if I had been somebody
in a past life,

it would've been somebody like
um Gershwin, probably...

Why?

Or Beethoven...

Why?
Or Leonard DaVinci,

or Charlemagne.

Why does everybody assume

that they were someone famous?

Well, I think it is
because those are

the only recognizable names.

Everybody can't have
been somebody famous.

There aren't enough
famous people.

Well I mean, I think it's silly

but for me it makes sense.

Right.

I mean I could have been
somebody like random

but that wouldn't be
a good conversation.

Hmm.
Like if I said,

I think I was a guy
who... you know what?

It's not a good conversation.

Does that feel cool to you

when I do that with my foot?

Wow! It does.

That a cool breeze?

- Yup.
- Nice, huh?

God, I'd hate for somebody
to walk in now.

It would be hard to explain.

Mmm.

Actually, it'd be
easy to explain.

- But hard to understand.
- Yeah.

Maybe I was somebody like

a famous astronaut,
like John Glenn?

John Glenn is still alive.

Right, but the class
isn't till next Thursday.

That's not nice.

Look, the guy's had
a great life.

I can't believe you
want someone to die

so that you can think
you were him.

Well look, John Glenn is
a great candidate,

and in class I'm going to insist

that I be John Glenn.

Do you have to audition
or something?

Oh, yeah.

You do a monologue
as the person.

I'm not doin' Abe Lincoln.

Because everybody's
gonna do Abe Lincoln.

What was that?

That's the dog.

What dog?

It's my sister's dog

and I'm watching him
for a few days.

Is it ok with my father
that the dog is there?

Oh yeah, he loves it.

But my dad has been to
other therapists

to try and get over
his fear of dogs.

Oh well, this is like um,
immersion therapy

because it's a
really really big dog.

I think my dad might have been
att*cked by a dog in a past life,

therefore he's afraid of dogs
in this life.

I went to the moon.

My dad was just
att*cked by a dog.

What kind of dog is it?

It's a Great Dane.

My dad must be terrified.

Well...

I wouldn't be terrified
of a dog, though

'cause I'm John Glenn.

John Glenn is not
afraid of dogs.

John Glenn went to
the damn moon.

You think he'd be afraid
of some great Dane?

I don't know, let's call
him up and ask him.

He lived for... he's still alive!

Shh, shh, everybody.

May I have your attention?

I guess, cut the
small talk, dad.

Yeah, and I guess
that guy's in charge.

Okay, I want you to relax.

- You know why?
- Why?

'Cause he's standing up

and we're all lying on
the floor, like idiots.

I know. What kind
of class is this?

Shhhh!

Please, everyone, quiet.

Breathe in...

Hey, dad, I brought food.

Excellent!

Yeah, I figure if
you're bringing

pillows and blankets,
you gotta bring food.

No, you're a good camper.

I also brought
a sterno container.

Ha ha ha.

And a whole bunch of
freeze-dried crap.

This is gonna be
one helluva night.

Yeah.

- Dad...
- Shhh!

- Listen up.
- Shhh!

Close your eyes, everyone...

Dad, close your eyes.

And quiet...

Re-la-la-la-la-la-la-x.

Hmm. This guy
is nuts.

Dad, don't make noises
while he's talking.

Ok.

Imagine a house.

And a long corridor
inside the house.

Does everyone see the house?

Does everyone see
the long corridor?

Do you see 'em, dad?

You want to spend the rest
of your life in this room?

Just say you see 'em.

I see 'em.

You are walking along
the long corridor.

At the end of the corridor
is a closet door.

Open the door.

You will see the closet has

several garment bags hanging up.

Does everyone see
the garment bags?

I'm not gettin' garment
bags, I got the closet.

I don't got no garment bags.

It could just be the reception.

This is a great house
I got here.

What about you?

I can't decide on
which garment bag.

I am sensing spirits
and seeing ♫ auras ♫...

Dad, this guy's getting weird.

Would anyone like to share?

How 'bout you?

What do you see?

Uh, I'm having a problem
with the zipper.

But I think this must be
for someone else

because it looks like
woman's clothing in there.

Oh, my god, dad.

No, that's fine.
Good, good.

Tell us more.

Well, it's very very...

It looks like it's handmade
and from the 19th century.

Ah ha!

Like... remember a TV show
called "Gunsmoke"?

Like that stuff.

Like that stuff that kitty
would wear, the uh barmaid.

Mmm, Miss Kitty.

Dad, are you serious?

That's what you see
in the closet?

Well Ben, obviously
it's not my bag.

Don't be so ♫ sure ♫.

You're a life force
that's taken many ♫ forms ♫.

Oh, dad!

You were a saloon girl.

You cheap floozy, how could you?

Ben, you gotta eat.

How 'bout you?

Would you like to share?

What do you see in the closet?

Me?

In the closet?

Oh, man, um there's so many
different outfits.

Mmm...

Dad, what's a good outfit?

Just say anything,
anything at all.

Just close your eyes
and imagine some outfit.

And go for broke.

Uh, it's uh, um...

Yes?

Wow. It uh... uh huh.

Big buttons.

Oooh...

It's like uh...

Something with lapels.

Big lapels.

Double breasted.

Double breasted lapels.

Mmm.

- Um...
- Be specific.

- Spats.
- Spats.

Oooh.

Ask him what are spats?

What's a spat?

Y'know it sounds like
an old mobster's outfit.

I was a gangster!

Yes.

I think that deserves
a round of applause.

Oh yeah, sure,

if you want to celebrate
death and v*olence.

At least I wasn't a saloon girl.

At least I brought pleasure

to the lives of men, like you.

At least I was a man.

Ahhhh cramp!

Cramp!

Leg cramp!

Here, Ben, Ben, just...

Dad pull on this, pull it!

Calm...

Pull it, pull it!

Everybody, quiet please.

Laura?

Yeah?

What am I smelling out here?

Huh?

What is that weird smell?

Oh Caesar, hi!

Um, Dr. Katz,

how was your
past-life class?

It was... it was actually
interesting.

Really?

Yeah, it was, it was.

What did you learn?

Well, this is gonna sound crazy

but I think that I was once
a woman who danced

and waited tables in a saloon.

And what does that feel like?

Well, I feel like
I'm more in touch with myself,

- in general, you know?
- Yeah?

But also I'm more
in tune to my environment.

Really?

Yeah.

Uhh, I'm standing in pee,
aren't I?

Oh, yeah.

Ok.

I feel like I'm in touch
with that part of me

that's standing in
a huge puddle of pee.

Umm...

Are you on any
medication now, Mitch?

Or do you take any dr*gs
recreationally?

I used to do dr*gs.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Acid was my favorite drug

because it opened up my mind,

it expanded my mind.

Because of acid, I now know that

butter is way better
than margarine.

I saw through the bull.

I went to England and uh,

they don't use Smokey the Bear

as their Forest Fire
Prevention representative.

Hmmm.

They have Smacky the Frog.

It's just like a bear
but it's a frog.

And I think that's
a better system.

I think we should adopt it.

Because bears can be mean

but frogs are always cool.

Like never has there been
a frog hoppin' toward me

and I thought,
"Man I better play dead".

Here comes that frog.

I've never said
"Here comes that frog"

in a horrifying manner.

It's always like optimistic.

Like, "Hey here comes
that frog. Alright!"

Maybe he will settle near me

and I can pet him.

And put him in a mayonnaise jar

with a stick and a leaf

to re-create what
he's used to.

And then I can observe him

and he won't be doin' much,

in his


Hey, Todd.

What's up, man?

I'll tell you, man, a lot!

I'm taking an
adult education class.

Uh-huh.

In past-life regression.

Ha ha ha, yeah?

What's so funny?

No, nuthin.

Did you take it?

No, I didn't.

God, I don't know why I didn't.

So, what's the class like?

What did you learn in the class?
I'm sorry.

Well, first of all,

we were all somebody
in a past life.

Umm, yeah.

The guy opened with that.

He opened with that?

- Yeah.
- Wow!

He said that everybody
in this room

was somebody
or some other spirit

uh-huh.
In a past life.

Right.

So the spirit lives on.

Uh-huh.

And it has
since the beginning of time.

Yeah.

You know I'm sorry
I asked this question...

But the best part, right?

Yeah?

The best part was that
you go in to a...

Sort of like
almost hypnotic state...

Hmm...

Where you have to go and find

who you were in a past life.
Huh...

And I found who I was.

And it turns out, I think,
I was a mobster.

Yeah.

I was actually wondering
if you have...

What do you recommend
as far as mob movies?

Which ones have you seen
or do you uh...

Well, I mean, I know there's
"The Godfather", right?

I've never seen that movie.

You've never seen
"The Godfather"?!

You work in a video store!

I know.
But, you know...

Well, don't people ask

about "The Godfather"
all the time?

Hey, if you have to ask
about "The Godfather"...

I mean who hasn't seen
"The Godfather"?

You haven't seen
"The Godfather".

You know what I mean.

Have you seen "Goodfellas"?

No.

- What movies do you watch from here?
- I'm not.

I gotta tell you,
I'm not a movie buff.

Ha ha ha!

So, dad, I'm still
comin' down from that...

That was an amazing...

Adventure...
Crazy trip

we took through a closet.

It reminds me of
taking you to Disney World

for the first time,
only the prices here

were so much more reasonable.

Yeah, this was way worse
than Disney World.

I don't think half of those
people saw what they said.

I think they made it up
because they had to.

I mean, dad,
what are the odds...

Three people who were
George Washington

in the same room?

That guy kept asking,
what are you?

What are you?

So you think half
of the people did see

what they said?

Well, what I meant by half
was everybody.

Oh, ok.

That's different,

that's very different than half.

Why do you have to challenge
everything I say?

I'm not challenging,
I'm listening.

Why do you have to listen?

Forgive me.

That is a legitimate question.

I don't think I do.

Is that what this
conversation is about, now?

Has it come to this?

That we listen to each other?

Oh, dad.

Doc, isn't it amazing

how relative everything
is in life?

Mm-hmm.

I was reading about a guy...

True story, doc...

Who got hit by two trains
in one day.

Can you imagine this?!

I mean, first of all,
you're getting hit by a train

and for that one
infinitesimal moment,

you're thinking, "Oh my god,
I'm getting hit by a train!"

What else could happen?

Boom! You get hit by
another train!

Now you're thinking,
boy, this is a crap day...

A two-train day.

That's not the kind of day
you want to leave the house.

And you know what
the medical examiner said?

This man had to be the
luckiest man in the world,

he only suffered minor injuries.

And I'm thinking, first of all,

"The luckiest man in the world
never gets hit by a train."

Am I right?

Maybe the breeze
from a speeding train

blows the winning
lottery ticket into his mouth.

That would be the
luckiest man in the world!

What are these people thinking?!

I had a girlfriend,
she was very nice to me, man,

she treated me like a king.

She gave me like
this friendship card,

it was like a birthday card.

On the front of it said,

"A friend is one of
life's most beautiful gifts".

And inside the card
it had all these great quotes

about friendship.

You know, it really touched me.

I started to think...

"Man, I should quit stealin'
money out of her purse."

Hmmm.

But I couldn't,

because her birthday
was comin' up.

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes, I'll like rent a car

and I'll drive around
for like ten miles

with the emergency brake on.

Right.

You know, it doesn't really
say a lot for me

but it really doesn't say a lot

for the emergency brake.

I cannot imagine the emergency.

Quick we need the car
to smell funny...

Immediately!

Woops.

You know the what
the music means, Mitch.

We're gonna have to stop.

Oh, is it over already?

I wanna keep on
ra-olling with the...

Did you say "ra-olling"?

Yeah, I was gonna say
ramblin' and rollin'

but I got screwed up.

Yeah, I can't wait
until next week

when we ra-oll again.

But it's a week
y'know, it's too long.

I'm back, you know,
I'm back into

"I don't want
to go to therapy" mode,

you know what I'm sayin'?

But then as soon as
I hear that damn piano,

man, I'm havin' some fun!