01x12 - Buy Low, Sell Ty

[bunniefuu]

- I've gathered you all here
to discuss the city's future,

which I believe is bright.

- Based on what?
- Not the energy

I'm picking up from you guys.

You're supposed
to be the movers

and shakers of Krapopolis.

- I move horse crap
from inside the stalls

to outside the stalls.

- And I only shake

because I'm dangerously
malnourished.

- And yet, you're still
the best we've got.

Nobody wishes that wasn't
the case more than me.

Don't you want a legacy,

a way to know
you made a difference?

- Mmm.

- You've got to agree
that lately,

the city's kind of
hit a plateau.

- Why is that a bad thing?
A plateau is stable.

Not sure you noticed,

but pretty dangerous time
to be alive.

This guy just d*ed.

- Then let's give
his life meaning

by making this meeting matter.

Civilization needs a swift kick
in the ass.

Who's ready to lend a foot?

Okay, you're dead now too,

but doesn't that fill the rest
of you with a sense of urgency?

- We just left the woods,
like, ten years ago.

I think we're k*lling it.

- How can you be
so content with this?

It's so mediocre.

We can do better,
and we will do better.

- Sounds like you got
this figured out.

Can we take a half day?
- Take the whole day.

You're all fired.

Oh, screw you too.

[upbeat mythical music]

♪ ♪

- Good morning, family.

- It's night, and nobody's
seen you for days.

- Well, that is odd.

Last thing I remember,

I was drinking heavily
at the bar.

Then I woke up at home.

- Because I found you
passed out underneath a pile

of very exhausted-looking
horses.

- Doesn't ring a bell,
but since I made it

all the way to dinner sober,

I'm going to reward
my self-control

with a lot of drinks.

If anyone needs me,

you know where to find me

and where to drag me home to.

- Where's your father going?
- To get drunk.

- Fun, fun.
Hope you've all saved room.

- We don't eat the horns
and hooves,

at least not on purpose.

- Well, someone has to.

My temple is filled
with this stuff,

and it's useless to me.

- Why not just ask the people
for stuff you need?

- Because gods
don't need anything.

I mean,
I was briefly interested

in that whole pooping thing,
but it would be criminal

to waste my perfect ass
on that.

So the only thing that matters

is that people give me things
that they want.

The suffering is how
I know they care.

- Shouldn't you also be
answering their prayers?

- Usually by the time
I get 'round to it,

they're already dead.

It's not my fault
you things are so fragile.

- Can I come to your temple
and take some

of the things you clearly
don't care about?

- No, but you can
help me tidy up.

And if you do a good job,

maybe I'll let you rip off
an animal head

for you to wear
on your other shoulder.

- Sweet!

- Using the butt to poop,
how pedestrian.

- [grunts] I wanted this city
to be extraordinary.

Well, sorry for trying
to make your lives better.

[grunts]
[clattering]

- My life's work!

- Something bothering you?
- Something did bother me,

but then I realized
to keep caring would be insane

because nothing is
ever gonna change.

Wanna join me?
- Nah, I'm good.

I'm just enjoying my vacation.

- "Vay-cay-tion"?
Sounds stupid.

Where are you from,
someplace stupid?

- Athens.
- Athens?

Seriously? The Athens?

- You've heard of it?
- Have I heard

of the greatest city
in the world? Uh, yeah.

- Well, we started using
these coins,

and our civilization
really took off.

Suddenly, I was rich and had
something called "free time."

- Such a brilliant innovation.
Only in Athens.

Krapopolis isn't ready
for anything like that.

This city rioted
when I suggested

building a barrier
between our watering hole

and our poo puddle.

How does it work?

- We use these to buy and sell

goods and services.

I'm currently carrying
the equivalent

of 50 chickens,

and nothing is constantly
trying to peck at my testicles.

It's called money.
Here, take one.

I'm Gregorios, of Athens.

- Tyrannis, of Krap--well,
the name isn't important.

Just Tyrannis.

Apparently, it's based
on a standard of exchange

where these super fungible
tokens, or coins,

represent a certain amount
that everyone agrees on.

- What did you give
this Athenian for it?

- Nothing really,
just a couple of cows, goats,

chickens, most of our weapons.

But I'm pretty sure I got
the better end of the deal.

Think of how much more
efficient this will be.

And since we're basically
at the beginning of time,

most people have
the same amount of stuff,

so they'll be starting on
a totally equal playing field.

- There's only one problem.

What do we do
with Athenian money?

We don't live in Athens.

- I know. I wish.

- Counterpoint, screw Athens!

What if we made our own money?
- Mm...

- If it's good enough
for Athens,

it's good enough for us
to steal from Athens.

- It did give Athens
a jump start.

And I would like to see
this city evolve

from just trading
random animal parts.

Okay, I'm in.

- What should we put
on our coins?

The Athenians used Athena,

which is a little on the nose
for my taste.

- It should be someone
important,

someone the whole city
respects.

- Someone who inspires
trust and enthusiasm.

- The king!
- The weed dealer!

- We all love Dylan,

but I still think
I'm gonna go with my idea.

[indistinct chatter]
- I love being drunk,

which is why I got into

the sitting-at-a-bar-
and-drinking business.

Let us celebrate
our life choices

with another round.
[cheering]

- How many is that for today?

- If I had to guess,
I'd say six barrels,

but if I'm not seeing double,


Make that 13!
[cheering]

- That seems like a lot
to drink without payin'.

- So now you're gonna keep tabs
on how much I drink?

I thought you were a bartender,
not my mother.

crowd: Ooh.
- Everyone else pays.

- With chickens.

I provide something more
valuable--atmosphere.

You think all these people
would be drinking here

if not for me?

The people love me.
I love the people.

We all love drinking. No notes.

- Alcohol is pretty addictive.

- I will not stand here and let
you speak ill of alcohol.

Apologize to the drinks.

Do it. Kiss them.

Tongue that booze.

- No.
- Top me off.

And while you do that,
I'll tell everyone the story

of my very sensual encounter
with a griffin...

[cheering]
And her twin.

[excited chatter and laughter]

- This is Krapopolis'
official coin.

- Why does it have
your face on it?

- Because I'm the most
important person in the city.

- Isn't that the weed dealer?
- That's what I said!

- It doesn't matter
who's on it.

What matters is
what it represents.

Don't you want an opportunity
to dream,

to create a world where,
eventually,

money is something
you can hold onto?

Grow your wealth
instead of having

to eat everything you earn?

- How does that work?
- I'm really glad

you asked that before rioting.

Instead of something
being worth

a certain number
of chickens or goats,

everyone will agree
on a coin amount

that is fair to both parties,

and that amount of coins
can then be exchanged

for the equivalent
in goods and services.

- What about the guy in town
who used to make change?

- I am so not married
to this career.

- You can marry careers?
- What's a career?

- I know you're gonna be
skeptical, but--

- It feels right.
- You're really into it?

You're not just saying you are
so you can get my hopes up

and crush whatever spirit
I have left?

- Let's do money!
- Okay.

Everyone line up
with your possessions,

and we'll start handing out
the Tyrannises.

- I don't remember agreeing
on that name.

- Sorry, got a little
ahead of myself.

Call them whatever you want.
- Krap coins.

- How many Krap coins do I get
for this?

- Ugh, I never realized
how gross this was until now.

- Ugh, this temple feels
more like a petting zoo.

- People don't pet the animals
after they're dead.

- Oh, right, you just eat them,
like that's better.

What is this?
- It's called money.

The city's using it instead
of trading chickens.

- So these metal disks
are valuable to you mortals?

- People are nuts for 'em.

When I get enough money,
I'm gonna get a third pigtail.

- I could finally have
a temple full of sacrifices

that don't stink
like chicken crap.

Oh, I like it.

I'm in.
Spread the word.

From now on, Deliria only
accepts cold hard money.

[light chatter]

- Isn't this exciting?

- No, it's actually very,
very boring.

- I think that means
it's working.

I can't believe we're doing
something that Athens would do.

Maybe money is the first step
to Krapopolis being more than

just a greasy finger smudge
on the map.

Who knows?
Maybe in my lifetime,

I'll get to see us make it
all the way to a dot.

[cheering]

- Let's start
with a couple of barrels

and see where
this day takes us.

- We're gonna need
to discuss your tab.

- We already agreed that
that was a stupid idea.

Now I'm back to get drunk.

- That was before
your son invented money.

- Whose idea was it
for sex to lead to children?

Something so good
should never have

such a substantial downside.

- I see your excessive drinking
is an obvious liability.

- Don't make him go.
all: Yeah!

- His loud boisterous behavior
keeps me from dealing

with my own dark thoughts.

- See? I'm the life and soul
of this place.

- What if I paid you
to keep being that?

- You want me to drink
as a job?

- Drink, tell stories,
just be you.

And while you're being you,

you can drink
as much as you like.

- Working goes against
everything I believe in,

but being sober sounds
like genuine hell.

Gather round, fellow drunks.

It's time to get wasted
like it's my job,

which I guess it now is.

[cheering]

- Tyrannis,

we have a slight problem.
- What's that?

- I went into town
to get some lunch.

- Woozie's Kebabs?
- Is there any other?

- You know it.
- Boom!

But Woozie wouldn't give me any

because I don't have
any more money.

- That's an easy fix.

We can just make
a lot more coins.

- But if the money isn't worth

the value
of something specific,

isn't it
by definition worthless?

- I bet you ten coins
this works.

- Can't see a downside to that.

- Where have you been?
- Drinking.

- Then why aren't you
happy and horny?

- Because it's my job now,
and I hate it.

Money has robbed me
of the thing

I love most in the world,

other than you, sex,
and stir fry, of course.

- Oh, I think it's wonderful.

I'm what people call "loaded."

- The things I could do
with all that.

- Then take it.

- But it's yours.
You earned it by being amazing.

- True, but the point is
for the people

to give up something
that matters to them

to prove how much they love me.

Once they do that,
I don't need it anymore.

- And I thought
the greatest gift

you could ever give me
was thousands of years

of mind-blowing orgasms.

- Why not have both?

- This day has really
turned around.

both: Mmm.

[indistinct chatter]

- Two chickens, please.
- Sorry.

I'm all out.
- But I have money.

- That doesn't make
more chickens.

- What if I give you more money
for those chickens?

- Mm, that could work.
- Hey!

- Sorry,
chickens cost more now.

- Fine, I'll pay more.
I want these chickens.

- Not if I pay more than you.

- You're late.
- How can I be late?

I own this bar.
- I own the bar.

- Sorry, I forgot
to do this first.

[grunts] Still getting used
to this whole concept.

- That's a lot of money.

- Well, you can't put
a price on happiness.

I mean, you obviously should,
and it should be this amount.

- This place isn't worth
that much.

- It's worth double to me.
In fact, here.

- You're serious?
- Oh, I am very serious,

as serious
as a sober monster desperate

to end this conversation
and stop being sober.

- Then you got a deal.

- Fellow drunks, as of today,

this is Shlub's Bar,

and everyone drinks for free
at Shlub's Bar.

[cheering]

- That's not how you run a bar.

- No, that's not
how you run a bar.

This is exactly how I do it.

Now if you wanna sit down

and drink for free,
you're welcome.

If not, get out.

- I always thought
becoming a king was the best

you could hope for in life,
but I was wrong.

Being rich is way better.

- I think that some
of the women in the city

were checking out
my slime trails

with whatever the opposite
of disgust is.

- So what do we do if we run
out of stuff to buy,

but the people still
have a bunch of money?

- We can pay someone
to figure that out for us.

That's the benefit
of being rich.

- Sir, here is your chicken.
- Excellent. I'm starving.

- Actually, chickens cost
a bit more now.

- How much more?
- 100 Tyrannises.

- How is that possible?

- There's a lot of coins
and not a lot of chickens.

- Hippo, you're the genius.

What do we do about this?
- Easy.

We make more coins.

- If you make more coins,

won't chickens just end up
costing even more?

- You do realize
I can have you k*lled, right?

- How are you gonna pay
for that?

- Get out!

Can we somehow
make more chickens?

- According to my experiments,

only chickens can
make more chickens,

but I am willing to try again.

It's a pretty fun experiment.

- We can't let
this new system collapse.

We're too rich.

- Is there anyone we can ask

about how
this money system works?

- The man from Athens,
he would know.

- Are you proposing
what I think you are?

- That's right, Hippo.

We're taking a vacation
to Athens!

- Stupendous,
why is my altar empty?

Where are all my worshippers?

- Probably at the bar.

Shlub's giving away free booze,

and people were packing in.

They looked real happy.

- Happy people don't pray
to their gods.

Miserable people are
the ones always

begging for this or that--

a better wife, a child,
a child wife.

Their misery is what fuels me.

See? That's the look of a guy
in need of a prayer.

- Great Deliria,
I come to you for answers,

for I am a lost soul.

- If you really want her help,
get to the point.

She's got lots of powers,

but a long attention span
ain't one of 'em.

- I used to have a purpose.

I'd wake up every morning
knowing what I had to do--

help people get drunk.

I've got nothing left.

I want my bar back.

- The bar you sold to Shlub?

- The bar where
all your worshippers

are spending every day
and night.

- I do miss the worship.

I mean, once you get
a taste for it,

it's really hard to give up.

Fine. I'll help you.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[vultures screech]

- The map says we're here.

- This can't be the Athens.

- Our maps only have
three dots.

And if you wanted to navigate,

maybe you should have invented
the world's first compass!

- But where is the marble,
the senate, the democracy?

[Athenians growling]
Hey. Back off.

Those are mine!

[Athenians grumbling]

- Some vacation
this turned out to be.

- [groans]

- I'm feeling very relaxed.

- The sarcasm isn't helping.

- [sarcastically] Well,
not much I can do about that,

is there?

- [screams]
- [growling]

- I don't know
what is going on,

but this is
a major disappointment.

both: Aah!
- You're not safe here.

- Where is here?
- This is Athens.

Or at least it was.
- Gregorios?

What the hell is going on?

- When I left,
Athens was thriving,

but I came back to this.

It was the money.

When the other Athenians
got low on coins,

they just started making more.

It seemed like
the perfect solution,

but it made everything worse,
so much worse.

Like they say,
"Mo' money, mo' problems."

- Oh, my God.
We are so screwed.

- Oh, come on,
it couldn't have all been

because they made more coins.

- The money became worthless,

and people began
to turn on each other.

- This is bad.
- You think?

Our entire civilization
collapsed

over a three-day weekend.

- What's a weekend?

- It's another thing
we invented--

- [growls]
- Aah!

- [straining]
- [grunts]

- Not the time for new ideas.
We still need to fix

the problems
your last one caused.

- What do you want me
to do about it?

Aah! Oh, my God.

[winces]
- I don't know yet,

but it involves
us leaving right now.

- [gurgling]
- Get off of me.

- [growling]
- Aah!

Oh, my God!

[both grunting, growling]

Oh, my God!

- Unless you want to stay.

- So the kraken says,

"Lady, I live
in the bottom of the ocean,

and that's still the slimiest
thing I've ever been inside."

[laughter]

[all gasp]

- Attention, mortals.

From now on,
if you pray at my temple,

you can drink for free,
and I'll even pay you

five coins to be there.

[all talking interestedly]

- What are you doing?
- Getting my worshipers back.

- But your worshippers
are my drunks.

- I need them.

- What am I meant
to do in an empty bar?

- You're more than welcome
to come to my temple.

It's gonna be
an absolute rager.

- I'm still not sure
what I got out of this deal.

- You get to be
a bartender again.

Isn't that what you wanted?
- I wanted my bar back.

- Well, I'm a god, not a genie.
You get what you get.

- I really appreciate
you guys taking me with you.

- I wouldn't start
celebrating yet.

My people are gonna k*ll us

as soon as they learn
that their money is worthless.

I promised them
that we were on our way

to becoming a great city.

They were content
with their lives,

and I'm the one who pushed them
to want more.

I don't know
if I can face that.

- Here's a pitch:
what if we blame everything

on Gregorios and let the people
k*ll him instead?

- Uh--
- It's not personal.

I just really don't wanna die.

- Or we can use him--

- As a human shield, yes.

We're saying the same thing.

- No, Gregorios is from Athens.

Everyone thinks of Athens

as the city other cities
want to be like.

They don't know
it's an apocalyptic hellhole.

- But I don't know anything
about money.

- Luckily,
my people know even less.

- This feels wrong.

- Because it's sacrilegious?

- No, because this isn't a bar.

- It's a place
where people are drinking.

Isn't that all a bar is?

- Oh, sometimes I forget
that you're the stupid one.

A bar is something
totally different.

It has this indescribable thing

that makes getting blacked out
with strangers extra fun.

- Need a fresh one, Shlub?

- You're working here now?
- Kind of.

I'm not totally sure
what this is.

- Well, I'll tell you
what it isn't,

and that's a bar.

- Ain't that the truth?

Shlub, I was wrong

to ask you to pay
for your drinks.

I got way too caught up

in the business part
of the bar business.

- It was an ugly side of you.
- Give me the bar back.

We can make things
how they used to be.

I love you, Shlub.
- I love you too.

Well, not you specifically.

I don't even know your name.

But I love the fact
that you own a place

that I can go to where
I can get totally blasted.

- From now on,
you'll always drink for free.

- That's all I ever wanted.

Don't wait up, Stupendous.

Daddy's going on the bender
of a lifetime.

- People of Krapopolis,
money is the future.

I know there are more coins
than there are chickens,

and that might seem like
a problem, but it's not.

- Why not?
- Because I've brought

a genuine Athenian back

to make sure
that our system is solid,

and he says it is.

- I do?
- Yes. You are a money genius.

And you've calculated all
the chickens and all the coins

and can now say that the value
of one coin is...

- If you wanted me
to say something,

we probably should have
rehearsed this first.

- Not a great time for notes,
Gregorios.

What he meant to say is
"One chicken."

- Isn't that how
this all started?

- It is, but now
Gregorios is going

to be the official keeper
of the chickens and coins.

- Good for me.

- He'll regulate how much
everything is worth,

and when he says something
is worth more or less,

we won't question it

because his job is complicated,

and to challenge him would mean

we had to do a lot
of extra work,

and that would mean no time
for vacation.

- What's a vacation?
- Oh, man!

Get ready to have
your minds blown.

- What happens if people ever
really question the system?

It will not stand up to even
the most basic scrutiny.

- They won't
because they're lazy,

and even if one day they do,
we'll be long dead by then,

and it'll be someone
else's problem.

- But the people
never did lose faith.

Rather than question
how currency worked,

they just went along with it

because they really liked
buying stuff,

which meant
they needed more money.

So everybody got jobs

and worked themselves
to the bone.

All of this working ate up
so much of their lives,

they began to forget
what made living special.

But eventually,
the system grew so large

that trying to challenge it
would mean the end

of everything, so nobody did.

And that's how we got Walmart.

- You guys, I'm so bad.

I snorted Dionysus' ergot.
- Oh, no.

- Yeah, that stuff
really messes you up.

Like, I could see sounds
and hear colors.

The last breath of a dying tree
told me a secret

of a coin-based currency
that when gifted to humans

would make them go berserk.

It showed me a future
where Deliria's stupid family

started using this money
in their stupid city.

Maybe it was because I was
coming down from the ergot,

but they were all being
weirder and dumber than usual.

- So what did they actually do
with it?

- They used it to pay for
things they wanted or needed.

- But why?
They already had trade.

Did this money make them happy?
- Quite the opposite.

It made them
even more miserable.

- Is there a lesson
to be learned here?

- Uh, don't snort
Dionysus' ergot?

- No, always listen
to dying tree breath.

Maybe we should give
the humans currency.

- If my hallucinations
are accurate,

and let's be real,
they probably are,

money could make the mortals do
all sorts of horrible things.

They might just do anything
to get more of it.

And inevitably,
it could make them all sad,

even the ones with a lot of it.

Then they'll come
crawling to us.

That's more valuable
than all the dead chickens!

[laughs maniacally]

- Is there anything else
I can get for you?

- No, everything was terrific.

Here, take this
for your service.

It's worth one whole chicken.

- And so it begins.

[evil laughter]

[all gasp]
- My life's boat.

[laughter]

- God, I love this place.
- Isn't it the best?

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.