05x04 - Doug's Hoop Nightmare

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,
when it comes to mail...

[tires screeching]

...I've gotten some pretty wild surprises.

Cool surprises like that chandelier.

At least until they figured out
they got the wrong house.

Uh, Sir.
-Huh?

[both] Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

[Doug] And the totally lame surprises,
like that time I ordered

the Ronald Weisenheimer
deluxe ab-dominator.

Huh.

But nothing was more surprising
than my letter from...

-Bolivia?
-[both] Huh?

Huh?

It's for Doug. Special delivery.

Who's it from, Doug?

[Judy] Bolivia?
Who could you possibly know in Bolivia?

[footsteps]

[whistling]

I don't believe it.

[Phil, Theda, Judy] Believe what?
Come on, Doug. Tell us who it's from.

Okay, okay,
but I'll have to start at the beginning.

[Doug] School was out, and I decided

the best way to get the most out of summer
was to get super-organized.

"10:00 a.m. Wake up." Check.

-"10:15, feed Porkchop."
-[belches]

Check.

"10:30, feed self." [belches] Check.

"10:50, watch TV." Check.

"11:30, feed self some more."

Check.

[Doug] I had to hurry.

I was running late for my important 12:00,
goofing off at Skeeter's.

But that's when my super-organized summer
hit a supersnag.

Sorry, Doug.
Skeeter had to rush off this morning.

He was accepted last night
at Camp Einstein.

Camp Einstein?

[Doug] With my best friend unavailable
for the next two weeks,

all that was left was my 4:00,
avoid Roger.

Hey!

What are you doing here, Funnie?
Did you miss the bus to Camp Wet-a-Bed?

Hey, you going to finish those?
Mmm. Fries.

Ha ha! Hey, Rog.

[Doug] This was of course
before Roger struck it rich.

-Help yourself, Roger.
-Hmm.

Hey, I don't need any
of your handouts, Funnie.

Someday Roger Klotz
is going to own this town

and paint it red. [laughs] Oh!

[laughing]

Douglas, since all your friends
are off to camp,

maybe you'd like to go, too.

Camp's fun and educational.

♪ Camp fun and educational ♪

♪ It's fun for everyone ♪

♪ Hooray, it's informational ♪

♪ Camp fun and educational ♪

What do you say, son?

Thanks, but I just don't think
I'm the summer camp kind of guy.

[doorbell chimes]

Patti. Come on in.

[puffing] Hey, Doug. Can't.

I'm in training.
I'm going to sports camp tomorrow.

But I wanted to return
your Smash Adams tape.

Too bad you're not going.
We'd have a lot of fun.

See you in two weeks, Doug.

Please, please, can I go to sports camp?
Please, please, please?

Now, don't forget to write, use sun block,
and always wear eye protection.

[children saying goodbye]

And don't forget to have a good time.

Go get 'em, air Funnie!

Whoa!

Huh?
Oh! Uh, I think I got on the wrong bus.

-Yoo-hoo, Doug! Over here!
-Patti.

I can't believe you're coming.

I think you're going to like sports camp.
It's fun and sporty.

♪ How we love camp fun and sporty ♪

♪ It's fun for everyone ♪

♪ Hooray for being sporty ♪

♪ Camp fun and sporty ♪

Huh?

[man] Come on, move it! Move it!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Come on! Move it! Move it!

[yawning]

Ah. What do you want to do first, Patti?
Rowing? Archery? A nature walk?

Doug, get your stuff. Hurry.

The name's Spitz. Coach Spitz.

If you want to play
at Grinning Bear Sports Camp,

you will play by the rules.

If you don't, I will consider you a--
a non rule-playing type person.

What are these, Funnie?

Do you think you're a movie star?
Is that what you think?

Uh, no?

The only stars in this camp will be me

and my assistant coaches this summer,
Mayonnaise and uh, Studebaker.

Now, you have 15 minutes to stow your gear
and regroup on the obstacle course.

Dis-missed!

[children talking]

Hey, honey, it's a letter from Doug.

[Doug] Dear Mom and Dad, Camp is great.
The first day we went rowing...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

...swimming...

rock climbing...

[grunting]

...and life-saving.

Okay!

Then, after lunch,
we trained for the big basketball game

against the camp across the lake.

I keep seeing a lot of Patti,
but I haven't had a chance to talk to her.

Hang in there, Doug.
First day's always the toughest. See you.

Uh, uh...

Uh, uh.

Aah.

Huh?

Oh, what a workout, huh?
I can feel the burn.

Name's Leonard. How's it going, new guy?

I want to go home. I hate it here.
I think they're trying to k*ll me.

Shh! This is my fourth sports camp
this summer.

[coughing]

[inhales] Aah.

I've broken out of all of them,
and I'm busting out of this one tonight.

[Leonard] Spitz may be tough, [coughs]

but he's never had to take on
Leonard Fitzhugh Persimmon.

I made it out of old baseball gloves.
[coughs]

Got room in the rear if you're interested.

Uhh...

-Suit yourself, sport boy! [coughing]
-Ow!

Each summer, the two sports camps
in the lakes region

go head to head
in the Intercamp Basketball sh**t,

and every year since 1902,
that championship

has belonged to Camp All-Star,

the most respected
and most exclusive camp in the county.

With me now is the legendary coach,
Piney Ziggler.

Coach, what is the All-Star difference?

Attitude, plain and simple.

But doesn't every camper
get their own personal trainer,

private bungalow with cable,

and free sessions
with sports psychologists?

Hey, no pain, no gain.

All right, players, this is the year
that we b*at Camp All-Star.

Because we have the drive to win,
we have the will to win,

and we have fruit.

Now, squeeze!

Ow! Oh!

We also have a supersecret w*apon.

A secret w*apon?

Shh.

I'm not going to reveal that

till the night before the big game.
You know, spies.

But Camp All-Star has Sky Davis
and all that high-tech equipment.

Hah! Who needs high-tech?

All you need is a court to play on,
a ball to play with,

a cow made of baseball mitts-- A what?

Okay, Mr. Cow, back to the bunk!

All right, all right, I'm going.

[coughs, inhales] Ohh.

Supersecret w*apon, huh?

Good work, Falcon.
Contact me once you have more information.

Snowman out.

[laughing]

[Doug] By the time dinner rolled around,
I was in so much pain, even my hair hurt.

[children talking]

Hey, Doug, we're over here.

[Doug] But I did my best
to hide it from Patti.

You showed a lot of heart
out there today, Doug.

I bet the coach uses you in the big game.

Yeah, Funnie. You can be the head loser.
[chuckles]

That's not fair, Percy Femur.

Doug might not be the tallest
or the strongest or the most coordinated

or naturally gifted or--

All right. All right. He gets the point.

But with practice and teamwork,
he knows he can do anything.

It's going to take more than that
to b*at Camp All-Star.

They have the k*ller instinct,
and they never let anyone puny in.

Aah!

How do you know so much
about Camp All-Star?

One word, shut up.

[Doug] Just when I was convinced
things couldn't get any worse,

I started hearing voices.

Psst! Doug. Doug!

-Leonard?
-[coughing]

Just wanted to say good-bye

before I put Operation Trash Dump
into action.

What happened to Operation Moo Cow?

Ever been milked? It ain't pretty.

But now, I'm talking trash. [coughs]

Hey!

-[bugle playing]
-[Coach Spitz] Rise and shine.

Before I list today's activity,

I'd like to welcome back
a very special camper.

Nice try, Leonard.

[coughing]

[Doug] Leonard inspired me
to come up with my own plan,

Operation Impress Patti.

I was going to prove to her
that I was more than just a cheerleader.

[narrator] Welcome to the revolution,
And the revolution is Doug Funnie.

[upbeat music playing]

[narrator] And when Doug Funnie
plays basketball,

he will impress his lovely
and talented coach Patti Mayonnaise.

Because basketball is the revolution,
and the revolution is Doug Funnie.

Gee, Doug, you are so slamming!

Ow!

Oops.

[grunting]

Uh-oh. Yikes.

Gee, Doug, I think we need to work
on your accuracy a bit.

Really? In what way?

One of the most accurate ways to sh**t
Is underhanded.

Ow.

-Try it like that.
-Huh.

All right!

-Gee, Doug, you make it look easy.
-But it doesn't look very cool.

It went in the basket, Doug.
What's cooler than that?

Hey, Patti, check this out!

That was slamming, Chalky.

Come on, guys,
let's try some pick and rolls.

I would, Chalky, but I just ate.

Here, Doug, you keep practicing.

Before you know it,
you'll be sinking 'em left and right.

Hey, Funnie,

[laughs] Oh, man, this camp is a joke.

Perfect...

[Doug] For the next week, the only thing
on everyone's mind was the big game.

The only thing on my mind
was to not look stupid in front of Patti.

Huh?

Hyaah! Yaah! Hyah!

[Doug] But it wasn't working out
like I had hoped.

Oh. Hit the showers!

Uh!

Not you, Funnie. The big game's tomorrow,

so you're going to stay here
until you make a basket.

-I'll stay and practice with you, Doug.
-Great.

I'll stay, too, Doug.
I can always use the practice.

Great.

Now squeeze it like you mean it.

[all] Yecch! Yuck! Eww!

Bears, against Camp All-Star tomorrow,
you have an advantage,

because inside this crate Is something
that's going to make our team,

uh, unbeatable.

Unbreakable. Un... un...

[boy] Unflappable?

Uh, right! I give to you...

Liquid Spitz!

-What's it made out of, coach?
-Don't worry about that.

Just keep squeezing.

Eww...

[Coach Spitz] Squeeze it!
Squeeze it like you mean it!

I said squeeze it.
Squeeze it! Hee hee hee!

[whistling]

The secret w*apon's a stupid drink.

Victory is ours. Good work, Falcon.

Uh, coach,
why do you keep calling me Falcon?

That's your code name, son.

Can't my code name be Percy?
It's easier to remember.

To victory!

[all] Oh, yecch! Yuck! Eww!

[Patti] Hold onto the dribble.
Stay with it.

Yeah, that's good. All right, good. Good!

Fake left, now dribble right, and sh**t!

Doug, that's the eighth time
you missed that sh*t.

Why won't you sh**t the ball
like we practiced?

'Cause I look like a dork that way.

Yeah, right, like there's nothing dorky
about sh**ting air balls.

-Oh, now you think I'm a dork?
-No, Doug, you're missing the point.

Doug, you can't expect to hit baskets
without practice.

You got to work at it.

Well, that's easy for you to say,

Mr. I'm-such-a-natural-superstar-
so-I-hog-the-ball-all-the-time.

What's he talking about?
I don't hog the ball.

Well, you do take a lot of sh*ts.

I do?

Doug, the point is--

The point is

you know I'm not going to get to play
in the big game anyway,

so you can just stop babying me.

-See you tomorrow... "Coach."
-Oh.

[Doug] On the morning of the big game,

I was really worried
that I might've hurt Patti's feelings.

But that's not all I was worried about.

Problem with the sewer?

[gasps] Ah. Oh, better go underground
and check it out.

-Morning, Leonard. Operation...
-Royal Flush.

The outfit gets me into the main
sewer pipe.

A leisurely stroll through 200 yards
of raw sewage, then, boom! Freedom!

Want to come?

[Patti] What do you think
about the big game?

I don't know. The team looks good,
But our "d" needs a little work.

Uh, I did something kind of dumb
last night,

and I think I'll stick around
and patch things up.

Well, if you see Spitz,
tell him I'm sorry I missed the big game.

[coughing]

[Doug] I think everyone
from the tri-county area

came to the game that day.

Well, everyone except you-know-who.

[all] Huh?

Better look at these pipes,
'cause, uh, I-I'm a plumber.

[Doug] With the game about to start,
Camp All-Star had the look of victory,

and our team looked like...

well, we didn't look good.

You guys can't be sick.

Here. Uh, you need more Spitz.

[all] Eww...

[laughing]

[all] Aww... oh... oh! Eww!

[toilets flushing]

Aah!

-Femur, how come you're not in the john?
-Because I didn't drink that crud.

Who else didn't drink the liquid crud?

You must've given it out
while we were practicing.

Right. That give us...

one ... two... three... uh...

-[all] Four?
-Right!

Looks like we're going to have
to forfeit, coach.

Too bad you don't have one more player.

[rumbling]

[screaming]

-Oh! Oh! Phew!
-Hello, point guard.

Ahh...

[Doug] Can you believe it?
Me, starting in the big game.

Now I had one last chance
to prove myself to Patti.

[spectators rooting]

Uh!

Oh!

[Doug] But the first half
didn't go so great.

Chalky kept passing the ball away.

Huh?

I guess it's because
I called him a ball hog.

What? Heh heh!

[Doug] Percy played like he was a spy
for the other team.

You call that basketball?
You know what I call it?

Uh, something else besides basketball,
that's what I call it.

Studebaker, try sh**ting the ball!

And, Femur, why don't you try
a little harder to give the game away?

Doing my best, coach.

And Mayonnaise,
some assistant coach you turned out to be.

Wait. Don't blame Patti, coach.
It's really all my fault.

Yeah, I know, Funnie, but wait your turn.

No, I mean I called Chalky a ball hog,
and he's not.

He's the best player I've ever seen,
and I was just jealous, I guess.

And Patti, Patti is the best
assistant coach a guy could have.

She taught me that it takes
a lot of practice to be good at something,

and twice as much if you're not.

Now, we've practiced twice as hard
as Camp All-Star,

and that's why we can still
go out there and b*at 'em!

Now, who's with me?

[cricket chirping]

Yeah, I guess there's
nothing else better to do.

I thought it was a nice speech, Doug.

[sniffles] It was beautiful, man.

-[bones cracking]
-Ooh.

-Let's play some ball.
-Let's go!

[Doug] In the second half,
Chalky was his old self again.

Way to go, Chalky!

[Doug] Patti's no-look pass
even got Leonard in the game.

Ow.

[Doug] And Percy's new winning attitude
surprised everyone.

Even I tried a sh*t.

For the rest of the game,
I decided to pass the ball.

-[yelling]
-Hey.

Foul!

[Doug] Suddenly, it turned out
I had no choice.

You have two sh*ts, son.

[Doug] And they were going to be
the last two sh*ts of the game.

[crowd cheering]

[sportscaster] Funnie at the line.
The Bears trail by one.

Oh, no.

He's going to sh**t the ball underhanded!
He looks so stupid!

[laughter]

He sh**t underhanded!

[Doug] When you think about it,
it was just a game,

and win or lose,
I wanted to go out in style!

[grunting]

[laughing and hooting]

[Doug] Then it hit me.

I was trying so hard not to look stupid,
that I was letting my team down.

All I ever wanted to do was impress Patti,

but what I should've done
was listen to her.

Here goes nothing.

[laughing and mocking]

[gasping]

-Overtime!
-[cheering]

[Doug] As for overtime, let's just say
Ol' grinning bear showed Camp All-Star

that with practice and teamwork,
you really can do anything.

[Judy] Hold it!

I cannot believe that I sat here
and listened to this

for the last 23 minutes.

What does any of this have to do
with the letter from Bolivia?

That's what I've been trying to explain.

It's from somebody we know.

[Leonard] Dear Doug, Life is good.

No worries, no sports, and no Spitz.

[coughs]

See you. From your pal Leon--

Well, uh... Oh, man, out of ink.

Hmm...

Excuse me, could I borrow a pen?

-No problem, Leonard.
-[screaming]

[Leonard screaming]

-You can run, but you cannot hide!
-[Leonard coughing]

[theme music playing]