05x09 - Doug's Patti Beef

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

Hey, Patti, whose house is that?

That's the headquarters
of the Junior Daughters

of the Founding Mothers and Fathers,
Bluffington Chapter.

It's a very exclusive
ladies' organization.

It was founded in 1831.

Lots of great women have belonged.

Like Constance Wildheart,

the woman who discovered
the vaccine for Turkeypox,

and Jane LeFleurette,
the inventor of the flungee engine,

and Sarah von Hamsandwich--

-What'd she invent?
-The ham sandwich.

Really? I always wondered
who invented that.

-What'd you say her name was?
-Oh.

What?

Anyway, I would never want to belong
to a silly rich girls' club like that.

-Oh.
-What do you mean, "Oh"?

Huh?

Doug Funnie, just because some people
like to join snooty elite clubs

and go to fancy tea parties

to show how superior they are
doesn't mean I do!

-Oh, you make me so mad!
-What?

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! Oh, boy!

Ha ha! Hey, let's play ultimate whizzer.
Patti's on my team.

Come on. Just try and block me.

Hey! [laughter]

Come on. Uh... just... just-- Patti?

Who are those girls?
They don't go to our school, do they?

They're from the Junior Daughters Club.

That's Muffy Silverson. Her grandfather
built the Rollinona Railroad.

And that's Buffy von Bitzbergan.
She's actually a princess.

-Not that I care about that sort of stuff.
-Princess?

Who's that girl goggling at us?

Ahem. I haven't the slightest idea.

Forty-love. Set point. Ha!

Buffy, you weren't even looking!

How am I supposed to win the tournament

when I can't even find
a decent partner to--

Oh. Hmm. Yeah.

Aw, who care about those stuck-up
little rich kids?

Yoo-hoo! Patti! Come here!

I want you to meet some friends of mine.

[gasping]

See ya, Doug.

-Whoa!
-Hey! That was our wacky whizzer!

Muffy, Patti. Patti, Muffy.

Buffy, Patti. Patti, Buffy.

Hey, Muffy. Hey, Buffy.

-Hi, Patti.
-Hello, Patti.

[thinking] What is with Patti lately?

[group] Save the oak!

A tree is your friend! Save the oak!

But, Mr. Bluff,
this tree is over 500 years old!

You can't just rip it down. It's barbaric!

♪ Allons, enfants de la patrie ♪

People, I assure you the precious life
of this tree will not be wasted!

It will be recycled
into commemorative toothpicks,

which will be available
at the new Bluffmart

I'm building in its place. Only 4.95.

-Got an angle for this one?
-[crowd] Save the oak.

Nah. Same old sob story.

Heartless developer crushes town spirit.
Page 32. Buy you a cup of joe?

Mmm.

Oh... no! Bulldozer!

-Ohhh...
-Quelle horreur!

You are pure evil!

I'll get it! I'll get it!

-No, I'll get it.
-I got it.

I'll shake it out.

[boy] Watch where you're
puttin' your foot, would you, Boomer?

-[cheering]
-[kids shouting]

I smell a story.

[announcer]
School kids rescue historic oak!

Tree-saving kids say
aliens told them to do it!

[speaking foreign language]

I can't read this.

But I'm sure
it's about those meddlin' kids.

I want you to find out
who they are and who they're working for.

Dig up some dirt.
They won't get away with this.

So you looked like you were having
a good time

with those Junior Daughters
of the Founding Mothers and Fathers.

Oh, it was okay.

What'd you talk about?

Oh, mostly silly snooty stuff.

You know, clothes, hair.
Shallow stuff like that.

So, they were kind of shallow, huh?

Yeah. And snooty.

-I hate shallow, snooty people.
-It's silly.

-Well, see you later.
-What? Where are you going?

Well, Beebe's friends invited me
to join the Junior Daughters,

and I couldn't exactly turn them down
right off the bat.

I figured I'd just check it out,
to be polite.

I'm sorry, Sir. No gentlemen allowed
without an invitation.

See you later, Doug!

Wait a minute.
I'm beginning to think that secretly

Patti does want to join that club.

♪ No duh ♪

I just don't get it.

What would Patti want
with a bunch of snooty rich girls?

Beats me, man. Hey, could you show me
a bigger skateboard, please?

Whoa. You got big feet.
I'll see what I got.

Why should Patti care what Muffy Silverson
thinks of her just 'cause--

Muffy Silverson? Was she the tall one
whose hair, as she approached the net,

blazed like a fiery soul-scorching sunset
over the Serengeti?

Possibly. Why?

Do you think Patti
could introduce me to her?

-Skeeter!
-Hey! There they are!

[gasps] And Muffy's with them!
Come on! Let's say hi!

No way. Uhh!

Those sassootees are so faboo!

Do you think they make me look fat?

Of course not. And, Patti, why didn't you
buy that top?

Well, I--I don't have the money.

-Oh!
-On me.

-Oh, pshaw.
-Oh, I'll loan you the money.

Dad just bought another corporation.

-Ask Patti to introduce me.
-All right, already.

Hey, Patti. Hey, Beebe. What's up?

-Ohhh.
-Uh, h-hello, Doug... Skeeter.

Really. Just let me put it on my card,
and you can pay me back later.

Oh, but I couldn't.

Oh, honestly, Patti, don't be-- oops.

Too late. Here's my mother.

Hurry, girls.
I've got an appointment at the garage.

[coughing]

If Patti Mayonnaise thinks
she can just ignore me,

she's got another think coming.

I think Muffy likes me.

[Doug] I couldn't believe it. Patti and I
used to be the best of friends.

Everything we did together was magical.

[laughing]

[Doug] Even going to school.

Even a trip to the Busy Beaver was poetry.

-Look, Doug. The beets.
-k*ller tofu.

[Doug and Patti laughing]
[audience laughing]

[Doug] And then there was the time
Patti and I won the PFL Championship.

Set! Hut!

-Catch, Doug!
-[cheering]

[panting] Uh!

[announcer] Funnie catches it!

He's going! He's going!

And... touchdown!

All right!

[announcer] It's official!

Doug and Patti win the PFL championship!

But, Doug, you and Patti never played
professional football.

Well, it sure felt like it.

And now Patti won't even talk to me.
Well, we'll just see about that.

Hey, Patti. Funny running into each other
like that yesterday, huh?

How'd it go at the Junior Daughters'?

Getting along with Muffy Silverson?

[slurping]

Nice weather we're having!

-[sputtering]
-Oops! Sorry.

Ohh! [coughing] Ohh!

Come on, Patti. We'll be late for class.

Can't I just explain to Doug
why I can't talk to him?

I can tell it's makin' him crazy.

No. You can't talk to anyone
except club members during pledge week,

not even to tell them
why you can't talk to them.

If rules were easy,
they wouldn't be rules.

That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard of.

Yeah, and then we climbed down the tree,

and then... that's how
I saved the great tree.

You did not.
I climbed the stupid tree first.

-Ooh, shut up!
-No, you shut up.

[sweetly] Boys, let's wrap this up.

So, uh, the moral is save trees.

Yeah, 'cause it takes a long time to get
a big tree out of a puny thing like this.

Whoa. Where'd you get the baby tree, dude?

Found it.

-Uh, Mr. Dink's yard.
-In the ground.

That was very moving, boys. [sniffling]

It's nice to find three young people

who still believe in something more
than just making money.

-Not all people with money are bad.
-[all] Huh?

Oh. W-well... of course not.

Uh... now...
let's pick up where we left off...

in the land of the Amazons.

-Theseus and his best friend Pirithous
-[animal sound]

-had just reached the land of the Amazons
-[animal sound]

-Skunky.
-Oh. Sorry, teach.

Now, as I was saying, Theseus...

[Doug] It was so weird.

It was like those Junior Daughters

had just turned Patti
into someone completely different.

Dougeus, my great friend,
we draw near to the land of the Amazons.

Yes, bold Skeeteros.

The land where women rule.

Give Pattia back? To you?

And what makes you think she would go?

Just let me see her.

Outrageous!

You cannot enter Amazonia.

There are no boys allowed.

No, Bubeeba.

I think he may see her...

if he dares.

[laughing]

Pattia! It's me, Dougeus!

Ohhhh!

Aah!

-Aaahhh!
-Ow!

Hey! Uhh! Oh! Stop! Patti.

Look out, Patti and Beebe.
You don't stand a chance.

Wow! You're good!

[gasping]

[girls laughing]

Well, at least she's not having any fun
with those little snobs.

Muffy's not little.
She's almost as tall as I am.

She was taller than me
before yesterday's growth spurt.

I can't believe they won't let boys
into that club. It's so unfair.

Aw, come on, Doug. There's tons of clubs
that won't let girls in.

-There are?
-Sure.

You got your Kiwoodlies, Rotissians,
Guys' Club of Bluffington,

He-Man Tugboat Captains Club.

Did you know that only two percent
of the tri-county CEOs are women?

Terrible, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, terrible.

If I could show her how unfair it is.

I mean, what if I joined
a club she couldn't?

A club Patti couldn't join.

Yeah.

Is this where I sign up
to become a marine?

You can't join the marines
until you're 18, son.

But for now, you can join the Junior ROTC.

I can wait. [sighs] No girls allowed.

Nobody here but us marines.

-[all gasping]
-Huh?

[masculine voice] Can I help you?

Sorry. Wrong room.

[crowd murmuring]

Forgive me for saying so, but these kids
care as much about saving trees

as I do about professional wrestling.

Mayor Dink, members of the press,
registered voters,

oh, and you students,

as your ex-mayor,

I commend the can-do-ism
of these young tree savers.

My son Willy White and his two friends.

I am hereby establishing
the "Save Our Trees and Vote for Me" fund,

and I urge you all to contribute
to the fullest amount.

Ned, Boomer, Willie.
What are you going to do now?

Duh... we were planning to start a...
whatchamacallit...

a fund. At school.

For, uh... for, uh... stuff.

[cheering]

Ohhh... ohhh... ohhh...
Ohhh... ohhh... ohhh...

But I need that money for lunch.

Oh, some people
can only think of themselves.

So last night, in a flash, it came to me.

What are those Junior Daughters
really all about?

Uh... oooh, yachts, horses?

Grandparents with funny last names
and tons of money?

Aristocrats. Exactly.

So if we can convince them
that we're aristocrats,

-then Patti will be dying to--
-[yawns]

Then Muffy Silverson
will be dying to talk to us.

Muffy! Well, what are we waitin' for?

The motion is all in your hips,
not in your arms.

[Doug, British accent] Naff sh*t! Oh,
very naff, indeed.

Mind if we play through?

Doug. Skeeter. What are you doing here?

Why, we come here all the time.

Our families have been
members of this naff little golf course

for generations.

-Right, Skeets?
-Naff.

-Very naff.
-[girls laughing]

Doug, get outta here.
You're not members of this course.

Your family moved here three years ago.

You don't know how to play golf,
and "naff" means "bad."

It does? I thought it meant "good."

[laughing]

Oh, man, that's naff.

Bluh bluh bluh. Look out!

What did you say your name was?

Huh?

"Meet me at 8 o'clock
outside the Junior Daughters mansion...

and I will explain all."

Hey!

Okay, boys. Let's see some club I.D...

pronto!

[Doug] That night I went
to the Junior Daughters'

to hear from Patti
what this was all about.

I'm going to have to ask you
to move along, Sir.

No gentlemen allowed
without an invitation.

Hey, Doug. Hey, Doug.

[buzz]

-Wait a minute. What about them?
-Featured speakers at tonight's dinner.

Some "Save our tree"
fund-raiser or something.

Psst! Doug! Over here!

Patti! What's going on? Why can't we talk?

It's just part of this silly initiation
I have to go through to get in the club.

There's all these stupid tests
and rituals and stuff.

I mean, it's kind of fun, but--

Patti, are you sure you know
what you're getting into?

[Muffy] Patti! Hey, Patti!

Uh, I have to go. See ya, Doug.

[Doug] Patti was different.

What were they doing to her
in that building? I had to find out.

[echoing voice] Patti Mayonnaise!

You have passed every test,
performed every ritual.

Do you desire to be one of the elite?

I do!

And do you consent
to undergo the final initiation?

Yes! Yes!

Initiate final initiation!

[Patti screaming]

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

I've never seen her act so--

Oh. Hey, Patti.
Want to go dirt-biking this afternoon?

[snobbishly] Oh, no! That's dirty!

I'd rather go [echoing] shopping!

Huh. [screaming]

-Judy, we need your help.
-Not now. I'm bored.

We're trying to sneak
into a girls only club,

and we gotta dress like girls.

Oh! I think I just got less bored.

Step right in... Ladies.

Hey!

Ooohhh!

Do you have any idea
how bad this makes me look?

Pretty bad, Sir.

But, dad, we were using the money
to save old stuff.

You collected 34 dollars and 16 cents.

You purchased three soft drinks,
a pack of fruity-fruit,

and seven issues of Yes-Men comics.

Hey, some of those comics were pretty old.

Dad, we'll give the money back.
We'll do as much detention as you want.

But please... don't tell the papers.
Don't rat on us.

Son, I'm going to teach you something

it took me years of public humiliation
to learn.

In life, always be the rattor,
never the rattee.

That's right. I said go ahead
and bulldoze that tree.

Didn't you see today's paper?

Looks like our tree-savin' heroes
have turned into zeros!

Ha ha ha!

Here we are.

Go get 'em, girls.

Ta-ta!

Let me handle this.

Ahem. Uh, excuse me.
We're friends of Muffy Silverson?

Uh, ooh, that's funny.

Uh, Muffy didn't say she had
any friends coming.

-Did she give you girls guest passes?
-Oh!

Oh, no! I must've forgotten
those silly guest passes.

What are we going to do?

We'll have to walk all the way home,
and me in my best dress. [sobs]

Now, don't you fret, pretty little lady.

-[buzzing]
-Thank you!

That tall one's gonna
break a lot of hearts in a few years.

And such a high, musical voice.

[girl's voice] We will strike!
We will strike with full force!

Yes, master! Yes, master! Hyah!

[all] Hyah! Hyah! Ahh-yahh! Hyah!

Eee-yah!

-[Skeeter] Uh, sorry.
-[laughing]

[Muffy] But will require
total cooperation.

I'm not sure Patti can be relied on
for that yet.

[Buffy] But after she's initiated,
Patti will be no different from any of us.

[Muffy] True. Beebe,
could you press the button?

Initiate final initiation!

[screaming]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Patti!

Can I help you?

-No.
-Oh. Hi. We're friends of Patti's.

Oh, of course.
Why don't you have some tea?

Patti should be here any minute.

I'm Muffy. This is Beebe,
and this is Buffy.

I'm Skeetrina, and this is Doug... alina.

[all] How do you do?

Haven't we met somewhere?

-No!
-No!

Okay. To get back
to the "Save our Tree" fund.

It's going to require a lot of effort,

and it's not really fair to rely on Patti
when she's only just joined.

Um, lemon? Sorry.
C-could you pass the lemon?

And now that Beebe's father
has changed his mind,

we need all the help we can get.

-Pass the cream puffs, please?
-[clearing throat]

Beebe, isn't there anything you can do
to persuade your father?

Well, it's a difficult time for me.

I was just going to ask him to buy me
another pony, so--

Beebe. Don't you understand
what's at stake here?

Civic projects like saving our trees
is what Junior Daughters is all about.

Oh, all right! I'll try.

[munching and gulping]

But we're forgetting our guests.

Dougalina, Skeetrina,

we're trying to raise money
to save the oldest tree in town.

Do you have any ideas
for our fund-raising ball?

Mmm, mmm...

Clowns? [burps]

Yeah. Clowns.

What he said. I--I mean she. [laughs]

[Doug] The more I found out
about the Junior Daughters,

the nicer they seemed.

They were friendly,
and they spent a lot of time

doing good things for Bluffington.

And their pastries were delicious.

I tried to remember why
I had hated them so much.

Just because some people
like to join snooty elite clubs

and go to fancy tea parties
to show how superior they are

doesn't mean I do.

Aw, who cares about those stuck-up
little rich kids?

Mostly silly snooty stuff.

[Doug] It was because of Patti!

Hey, you guys!

-[girls] Hello, Patti.
-Patti?

Sorry I'm late. I was out dirt-biking
and just lost track of the-- Doug!

-Doug?
-Doug?

Uhhh... Uhhh...

Hey, Patti.
Listen, I'll explain all this later,

but I just wanted to say I think it's fine
if you want to become a Junior Daughter.

In fact, I think they're great.

I just hope we're still friends.

Doug, of course we are!

But... about Junior Daughters...

I was just comin' to tell you.

I don't think Junior Daughters
is right for me.

I like all of you a lot,

but the tea party thing
really isn't my cup of tea.

I'm kinda more into... well, dirt bikes!

Well, maybe we can go dirt-biking together
sometime.

Sure!

Oh, it would be so much fun
to go dirt-biking.

Patti, this could be--

Well, that's just fine!

And where am I supposed to get a partner
for the doubles tournament?

[Doug] Snobbiness is a funny thing.

We call people snobs because we wish
they were our friends.

But sometimes they're not our friends,

because we've been so busy
calling them snobs,

we didn't really bother to find out
who they really are.

-Yay!
-Nice sh*t!

Oh, that's priceless!

[Doug] And you know what else?

Hmm. This girl has strong forehand.

[Doug] Skeeter really is prettier than me.

Game, set, match! We win!

Yay!

Great match, Skeetrina!
See you in the showers!

[laughing]

What?

Ohhh.

[theme music playing]