05x11 - Doug's Movie Madness

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pffft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

-What do you want to do?
-I don't know.

-What do you want to do?
-[TV announcer indistinct]

I don't know.

♪ When trouble hits the fan ♪

♪ Call Targetman ♪

♪ If your butt is in a jam ♪

♪ Call Targetman ♪

♪ With his great big g*ns ♪

♪ sh**ting at everyone ♪

-♪ He's a real man's man ♪
-♪ Targetman ♪

♪ When trouble hits the fan ♪

♪ Call Targetman ♪

♪ He's got great big g*ns ♪

♪ sh**ting at everyone ♪

-♪ He's a real man's man ♪
-♪ Targetman ♪

Dead on.

[announcer] Coming soon
to a theater near you.

Presented in state-of-the-art 4D.

[both] Whoa.

[announcer] Featuring
the highest body count

in movie history.

♪ He's a real man's man ♪

♪ Targetman ♪

♪ Targetman, Targetman,
Targetman, Targetman ♪

Dead on.

[announcer] Targetman. He's dead on.

[both] Wow.

[footsteps]

That's me.

[g*n sh*ts f*ring]

[Doug] The next day, for some reason

I couldn't stop thinking about Targetman.

♪ When trouble hits the fan ♪

♪ Call Targetman ♪

♪ Targetman, Targetman ♪

♪ Dead on ♪

♪ He's a real man's man ♪

♪ Targetman ♪

Dead on.

Yeah. I can't wait to go.

I'm going to be there.

Targetman is the greatest movie ever

because Bruce Claude Von Rockenwagner

is such a hunk.

No, man.

It's 'cause Targetman
is a dude with 'tude.

Are you kidding?

It's the coolest because
Inside Entertainment

said it had the highest
weekend grosses all month.

No. It's because tickets cost

twice as much as any movie ever.

I can't wait to see it

because Targetman is...

[all] Dead on.

Did you hear about the best scene
in the movie?

Targetman, a really good-looking fellow

is trapped in a burning building

by about a jillion bad guys.

It looks like there's no way out.

Got you now, Targetman.

You're cooked meat.

[all] Wow. Dead on.

I heard Targetman's pulse r*fles

hold infinite b*ll*ts.

No reload factor.

Targetman, eh?

I'm not so sure that movie
is a good thing.

As the tree is bent, so grows the wood.

And I hear this movie is pretty bent.

Aw, that's just a load of cupcakes.

You got to pound your way

to success in this life.

You have to steel yourself

to mold your own destiny.

This movie teaches iron-clad lessons.

[both] Dead on.

I hear it's a great picture.

All horns and percussion. Aah!

'Course, there's another side to it.

Because Targetman's

such a good-looking fellow.

Drop and give me 20.

Kiss me, Target.

Mmm.

[Targetman] Dead on.

Oh, boy.

Maybe this isn't such a great movie
after all.

♪ When trouble hits the fan ♪

♪ Call Targetman ♪

Po, pow. Ohh. Ow.

Cool. Where did you get those?

They're free with every

family values pack.

Wow. Do they have one
that blows into two pieces?

-Yeah. I hear that's a cool scene.
-No way.

The coolest scene is where
Targetman and his sidekick Otherguy

have to find the computer code word
to open the fireproof vault

or they're doomed.

You have to find the computer code word

to open the fireproof vault
or we're doomed.

[computer reads]

"Any way you slice it?"

What's the answer?

Maybe cheese.

Cheese.

[computer reads]

That's not it. The cheese didn't cut it.

We're doomed.

Wait. I've got it.




[both] Pi.

[all] Dead on. Ha ha.

Hyah!

Hyah! Targetman.

Take this. Dead on.

Aah!

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Patti.

Are you two all right?

Sure. We're just doing Targetman stuff.

Hey, Patti, you going
to the movie this weekend?

I don't think so.
Doesn't sound like my kind of movie.

Must be too mature for her.

[both] Ha. Hoo. Hee. Hee. Ah.

Hyah! Hoo. Hoo.

See you, man. [chuckles]

Yeah. Ha ha.

Ooh. Ooh.

Hey, loser. bet you haven't seen
Targetman yet.

What are you asking Funnie

about a man's movie for?

He's got to ask

mommy and daddy's permission.

Ha, ha, ha. They'd never let him go.

Yes, they will.

And... I bet you have to ask

your parents' permission, too.

Get a clue, Funnie.

My dad's a clown.

He's lived in Bloatsburg for six years.

Sorry. I forgot
your parents were divorced.

Who cares?

-At least I'll get to see the movie.
-I'll be there.

Oh, that's a funny one, Funnie.

I'll believe it when I see it.

[all laugh]

[Roger] Dead on.

Skeeter and I are going to see
Targetman on Saturday.

Cool, huh?

I am appalled that you have any desire

to view such a retro-macho,
gratuitously misogynistic

mindless, meaningless, self-indulgent

macho expl*si*n-fest

which lacks even one iota
of redeeming social value.

Your point being?

Doug, there's been so much talk
about this movie

we knew you'd probably want to go.

So we read all the reviews we could find.

And we've watched the ads on TV.

Sorry, son, but we just feel like
this movie is much too violent

for you or anyone.

-But, dad, everybody else--
-I'm sorry, Doug.

That's just the way it is.

We really have
your best interests at heart.

Don't you remember how scary movies

always used to give you nightmares?

But, but, that was when I was
a little kid.

I can't believe this.

[grunts]

Doug? Douglas.

How can they just tell me
I can't see a movie, Porkchop?

Ahh.

[TV announcer] The White House,
the people's house.

but can freedom survive a media onslaught

particularly when it comes in the person

of an ego-crazed media pundit

intent on criticizing
the President to death?

Issue number one. True or false.

I've captured the President.

[whimpering]

The answer is true.

Issue number two...

Is he strapped to a rocket?

Yes. Hee hee hee.

Issue number three...

Is the mad pundit actually mad enough

to push this button?

Exit question.

Just how far off the deep end am I?

[whimpers]

Aah!

Stay tuned to find out.

♪ When trouble hits the fan ♪

♪ Call big Doug man ♪

♪ I'm big, I'm Doug ♪

♪ I'm big Doug man ♪

Douglas. Douglas.
Yoo-hoo, Douglas. Nap time.

But, mom, I have to save the President.

You can save the President after your nap.

They don't listen to me
because they think I'm some kind of baby.

They haven't even seen the movie.

How can they say it's bad?

And what about freedom of speech?

What about my first amendment rights?

What does this country
stand for if i can't go see Targetman?

We're going to have this out right now.

[radio] ♪ Now tune in.
Sit back and relax ♪

♪ His honor's on the air ♪

Howdy. It's the Bob White Show.

Today's call-in topic,
the Targetman movie.

♪ Dead on ♪

[Bob White] How far is far enough?

And is far enough too far?

Tune in for big opinions

on today's big issues.

♪ Big issues ♪

Thank you very much.

Bob White here.

[Doug] Hello, Bob.

This is Dou... uh, Steve.

I'm, uh, one of your listeners.

Well, I figured that, Steve.

Now, tell me, how do you feel
about Targetman?

[Doug] As a person with a really mature
outlook on life

everyone should let their kids
see Targetman.

I mean, how else are they
going to make mature judgments

about mature stuff, and grow up
to be really mature like me?

[Judy] Doug, get off the phone.

I have to schedule an important rehearsal.

This isn't Doug. It's Steve,
a very mature older man.

Ha, ha.

Doug Funnie, you get off that phone
right now.

-Huh?
-What?

[doorbell rings]

All right. Dad's here.

Hey, you big clown.

Hoo, hoo. Hey there, yourself.

[laughs]

Didn't have time to change.

Came straight from work.

[crash]

What's with the flappy shoes, dad?

Just got them. What do you think?

I liked them because they've got
a lot of sole.

Get it? Ha, ha, ha.

Gee, dad. You haven't changed a bit.

You have. You look so... grown up.

And look at this place.

You've really come up in the world.

This is the biggest living room
I've ever seen.

I've played countries smaller than this.

Hee, hee, hee, you get it?

[canned laugh]

It's the entrance hall, dad.

Whoa! Your living room's bigger than this?

That's surreal.

And speaking of surreal,
how many surrealists

does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, dad.

A fish. Ha, ha, ha.

You get it, son?

Surreal. A fish. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I don't get it.

Exactly.

Hey, what do you want to do, son?

Make some balloon animals?

Chase the greased pig?

I got an idea. let's go see Targetman.

It's the coolest.

Well, I've heard it's pretty violent.

Hey! How about we go see King Camarillo,
Pet Pediatrician, instead?

King Camarillo?

Sure. That Tim Careless
is a laugh a minute.

Falls in the water over and over

and always comes up "soakin'."

Dad. That's for kiddies.

I want to see Targetman.

Well, I'm afraid I'd have to see it myself

before I could take you.

That is so incredibly lame, dad.

Well, Porkchop, if they won't listen to me

I won't talk to them.

[barks]

[whistles] Surprise for your mom...

A brand-new chair to rock the baby.

Have you seen the seat cushion?

Oh, there it is.

Thanks, son.

Guess I really b*rned him, huh?

[doorbell rings]

Knock-knock.

Uh, I already opened the door, dad.

No, no. Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Nowayinthe.

Nowayinthe who?

Nowayinthe world
you're going to see Targetman.

It's incredibly violent.

Aw, dad.

I walked out.

I always thought "heads will roll"

Was just an expression.

But they were rolling all over the place.

Yeah. So?

Mom got me these credit cards.

I'll buy my own ticket.

It's not the money, son.

I'm your father, and I'm not going to
let you see that movie.

OK, fine. No problem.

So, when are you heading
back to Bloatsburg again?

Oops. Sorry, Doug.

I just came in here to get a snack

not that it looks like I need one.

Peanut butter turkey toes. Ooh, delicious.

Heh, heh, heh.

Mom and dad had endured

the torment of my silence long enough.

Mmm.

Besides, it wasn't working.

Maybe what I really needed
was a second opinion.

Hey, Mr. Dink.

Hello, Douglas, my boy.

What can I do for you?

Mr. Dink, do you think I'm grown up
enough to make decisions myself?

I'm not sure. Let me check
with your parents.

Ha, ha! Just kidding.

You know what they say,
mature is as mature does.

Then if I were your son

you'd let me see any movie
I wanted, right?

What does this country stand for
if a kid can't see any movie he wants?

Yeah!

except Targetman, of course.

Nobody thinks I'm mature enough
to see this movie

but I am mature. I'll show them.

[clinks glass]

Ahem. I'd like to apologize to everybody
for the way I've been acting.

It was very immature.

But I've grown out of it.

You're looking at the new, mature,
Douglas Yancey Funnie.

Oh, great. So you'll be taping hair
under your arms again?

-Mom.
-Judith.

[mocks]

Thanks for helping with the dishes, Doug.

I'm not sure my reflection
is clear enough.

Should I do them again?

[whining]

Done a great job with that room, son.

Yeah. I think it looks
a little more mature this way, don't you?

Lawn looks great, son

but we just mowed it a couple of days ago.

I thought it was looking a little ragged,
so I did it again.

And I came straight home from school

so I could straighten up your work bench

and organize your tools

wax the walls, count the nails.

That was really nice, Doug.
I appreciate it.

Well, dad, it's like they say

"mature is as mature does."

I guess I better put the lawnmower away.

That's the mature thing to do.

Douglas, you've been a great helper
the past few days.

You've really shown some--

-Maturity?
-Yes!

And the most mature thing of all is that
you haven't even mentioned Targetman.

We're very proud that
you realized it's just a movie.

[sighs]

[man on pa] Targetman not just a movie.

[sighs]

Huh? All that mature work was for nothing.

It's time to take matters
into my own hands.

Skeeter? Come by tomorrow.

You and I are going to see Targetman.

[chanting "Targetman"]

[Doug] The next day I waited
for Skeeter to come over

so we could go see Targetman.

What choice did I have?

Everybody in town was going.

One always has a choice, Doug.

To do the right thing or--

To do the fun thing.

Come on, Funnie.

Everybody'll be talking about it.

Maturity is as maturity does.

What the heck does that mean?

Wait'll you see the scene

where he pulls down a helicopter

with his bare hands.

Really? He does that?

Twice.

Excuse me, Doug. I have to go see...
something.

Dead on.

Dead on.

Hey, Mrs. Funnie, where's Doug?

We're going to be late for the--

Park. Mall. Where they're having a thing.

Contest, charity, very mature

wholesome, good for us.

Right, Skeeter?

That was smooth, Doug, but I'm kind of
surprised you lied to your mom.

Sometimes you have to stand up
and lie like a man, I guess.

Yeah, I guess.

[happy murmurs]

[people chatter]

[Doug] Two for Targetman, please.

Are you over 17
or accompanied by a parent?

Well, uh... Well, uh...

Enjoy the show.

Dad, no. You can't do this to me.

[whimpering]

Who do you think you are?

Son, you may be in a higher tax bracket
than me

but I'm still your father, and I love you.

But, dad.

I don't think this movie is good for you

So you aren't going to see it,
and that's final.

[Roger crying] Oh, dad.

So that's Roger's dad.

Looks like Roger's in real trouble.

Maybe we shouldn't go in.

[children singing] ♪ When trouble hits
The fan, call Targetman ♪

♪ He's a real man's man ♪

♪ He's Targetman ♪

We came this far. Come on.

[all] Dead on.

It started out great...

-[all gasp]
-But pretty soon...

[Targetman] Don't lose your head over it.

Oops, I guess you did.

Don't go to pieces on me.

Oops, guess you did.

Here, you dropped your arm.

Breaking up is hard to do.

Make a wish.

[humming]

Did you have a good day with Skeeter

at the very mature, wholesome

good for you contest,
charity thing in the park?

Uh, yes, ma'am.

That's nice, dear.

[Doug hallucinating]

[screaming]

Aah!

[panting]

It was awful.

Heads were rolling everywhere

just like in the movie.

Doug, are you all right, dear?

I wish I'd never seen that movie.

What movie, Doug?

Uh-oh.

Well, I guess I learned
a little something.

The movie was lousy, it cost too much

and it gave me nightmares.

But, at least it taught
me a valuable lesson in maturity.

I've decided to take on

a bit more responsibility
around the house.

So in other words...

-[both] You're grounded.
-Yep.

[Mrs. Funnie] Douglas. Recyclables.

Yeah. I better be moving along.

[Mrs. Funnie] Now!

See you, guys.

I hate to admit it

but this time mom and dad
and Judy were all... dead on.

[closing theme music playing]