[roaring]
♪♪
[man]
The most obscene body
I've ever seen
in my entire life.
I'd like to jump out
of this car right now
and bite your ass.
Halt!
That's a moving
violation.
♪♪
Caught in
the act.
Take me alive.
How should
I plead?
♪♪
[blowing whistle]
♪♪
[narrating]
Another day.
The morning cruise.
This is a small town,
a peaceful town,
and I like that.
Nothing on
the radio.
I like being a cop
and having a good time.
Live and let live,
that's all.
But, I like the work.
I like the uniform,
the car,
the whole thing.
The best part about
police work
is that you get to
meet a lot of people.
You learn a lot about
human... nature.
Miss, it's
against the law
to hitchhike inside
city limits.
Oh, really?
Sorry.
Well, that's ridiculous,
this isn't a city.
Well, I can
give you a ride
outside city limits
if you like,
out to the highway.
Okay.
Are you
really a cop?
That's right.
Boy.
Where you from?
L.A.
City girl.
I don't
like cops.
I'm sorry.
They're too jumpy
and uptight, you know?
Goes with the
job, I guess.
Does this work?
Calling all cars,
calling all cars,
10-4, Roger Crawford.
[laughing]
Please, babe,
it's not good.
You really dig all that
g*n crap, don't you?
You know, I bet you don't
even have a real pecker.
Just a .45
between your legs.
No, not even
a .45,
probably, most likely
a .38 snub nose.
Why don't I--
well, let me see
what you got down
here, huh?
What is this, huh?
[laughing]
Let me see.
Oh.
Oh-- oh, it's
a bazooka, ha-ha!
Oh my god.
Woo-hoo!
♪♪
[man]
Let's get
out of here.
[g*nsh*t]
♪♪
[tires squealing]
It's hot.
Yeah.
Come on,
let's go in.
No, we got about
five more minutes.
We've got about
four minutes.
So, we got
about four minutes.
Jesus Christ.
Sh, sh, sh,
be good.
[woman]
Goodbye, judge.
All right, judge.
Judge.
The judge's wife,
Mrs. Crawford.
That's disgusting,
her doing an old
cock like that.
[dropping keys]
Norwegian broad.
Met the judge
on a cruise.
Norwegians do
anything for a laugh.
A man should be
able to choose
the way
he dies, huh?
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
Somebody got his
head blown off
over in
Roane County.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, some
service station guy.
Damn shame.
You got
anything on it?
Nope, just the
burglary.
I don't understand it,
just plain crazy.
Lots of crazies
running loose.
More crazies than
normals, if you ask me.
Yeah,
well listen,
I'm gonna go grab
some breakfast.
All right, catch
ya in a minute.
O'Neil's doing
all right.
Yeah, he's
doing all right.
Needs a little
more experience.
I guess so.
I wish, boy,
I really wish.
Wish what?
I wish those K*llers
would come this way.
Yeah, and what
would you do?
I hate to
think about it.
K*llers.
They get away
with m*rder.
[laughing]
Sunny side.
[laughing]
Hey, come on in.
Well, how you
like it?
Like what?
Town.
You been here going
on three months.
Oh, I like
it a lot.
Most of the cops
I get around here
are too old to
catch a fart.
[laughing]
Yeah, this is
a real peaceful
law abiding town.
And you
know why?
I'll tell you.
We got the best looking
women in the world
right here,
healthy women.
Take Ruby.
I'll take Ruby.
Oh sh*t,
shut up, shorty.
You wouldn't know what to
do with her if you had her.
[laughing]
Something happens to the
women in this city.
I don't know really,
they seem to shrivel up
from the smog
or something.
Tits looks like them
two damn eggs over there.
Milk, right?
Right.
[brakes screeching]
I bet it's
a woman.
I bet you any amount
of money it's a woman.
It was your fault.
My fault?
Hello ladies.
General, she just
ran right into me.
Hm, let's take
a look.
Well, everything
seems to be all right.
I was just worried
about my cake.
Your cake?
Yeah, it's
part of my act.
And I had it specially
made for my body.
Oh.
You come out of
the cake naked?
Just about.
I'd like
to see that.
Oh, you can, honey.
I perform for
everybody.
Weddings,
bachelors' parties,
wakes.
Well, I'm glad your
cake is okay.
You're sweet.
Excuse me.
Everything seems
to be all right.
It was her fault, she
backed right up into me.
Mm, well may I see
your drivers license?
Lisa Crotch?
Crouch.
Well, Miss Crouch,
nobody's hurt.
Unless you want to
make a formal complaint.
No, thank you,
it's the principle.
Well listen, my name's
Jimmy O'Neil,
and I have some
food waiting in there
which is getting cold.
And if you'd like to come
in and have some coffee
and talk about it.
No, thank you,
officer.
[slamming door]
Have a nice day.
Well listen,
what do you do
after you come out
of the cake?
Oh, nothing illegal.
You know, I get out
and I dance.
Then I sit in the
honored party's lap.
Oh, but it takes a
special talent.
You know, you have
to be able to talk,
talk to all
kinds of people
about all kinds
of subjects.
You have to
be intelligent.
It's not just jumping
out of a cake.
I'm sure.
See you around.
Okay.
I don't know, the girls
today, they're really weird.
They walk around
with no bras,
no panties, no slips.
Show everything
to everybody.
Leave nothing
for the imagination.
What people gotta learn
is self discipline.
That's the
main thing.
When I was playing
third trumpet
in the high school
marching band--
Third trumpet?
Yeah.
You learn a lot about
intricate marching.
Intricate marching?
[laughing]
What's so funny
about that?
[laughing]
Intricate marching.
Hey look,
oh, Jesus Christ,
there they are,
at it again.
[fighting]
Oh, just get up, son.
Get up, gotta
give me a good one.
[shouting]
All right, all right,
all right.
Oh, officer,
hold me back.
Yeah, yeah, I
got ya, I got ya.
[overlapping chatter]
No, I mean, honey,
what do you call yourself?
A call girl,
a prost*tute?
Well honey, let
me tell you,
I am a ho.
And I ain't
got no pimp
telling me what kind
of clothes to wear,
what kind of
perfume to buy.
No siree, Bob.
And another thing.
This town ain't got
enough business
to keep a
ho alive,
let alone
a prost*tute.
So that's why I
got me this ruse,
you know, like those
circuit preachers?
I'm in one week this
town, one week the next.
You know what I mean?
How you doing,
sweetness?
I'm fine, thank
you, how are you?
All right, if I
can't sell it,
I just
sits on it.
That's a waste.
You telling me.
I just might give you
a little bit, though.
You serious?
[laughing]
You know my room
at the hotel?
You bring
your little book,
cause we gonna break
some little laws.
[music playing in distance]
[overlapping chatter]
[man]
Happy Birthday, Al!
[cheering]
[blowing noise makers]
[man]
Show me
your p*ssy!
[man]
Get up there honey,
get up on the table.
[man]
Come here, I love you,
I love you.
[overlapping chatter]
[man]
No, I love her.
[man]
I love her more
than you love her.
[overlapping chatter]
[man]
Shake your ass, honey,
shake it this way.
[cheering and partying
continues]
Ooh, sweetness,
you learning.
Pretty soon
you're gonna be
a real professional,
I know.
How long you
gonna be gone?
Two weeks.
Listen, have
a good time.
I'm gonna give
it all I got.
Well, don't wear
yourself out.
[laughing]
Honey, them big trains
wear out before
the tracks.
[laughing]
Is that true?
Oh, yeah.
See ya later.
♪♪
General!
They're about to tear me
to pieces down there.
You came out
of the cake.
And they
went crazy.
I can
understand that.
[distant shouting]
[shouting]
♪♪
[shouting]
Oh, I've got to
get my cake back.
It's specially made.
Couldn't you show them
your badge or something?
I don't have it.
Aw.
[shouting]
Gee, it's real close
in here, isn't it?
Yeah.
What you got
in your pocket?
A blackjack?
Nothing.
Oh my word.
[O'Neil narrating]
I stayed in that closet
for two hours.
A policeman is
never off duty,
in uniform
or out.
[tape player]
Quieto.
Quieto.
Accion.
Accion.
Accion.
I said that
already, accion.
What the hell
are you doing?
Habla espanol.
What?
Learning to speak the
language of the people.
In case I get a police
city job, it'll help me.
That's smart.
Si.
Thank you, Clyde.
Boring, boring,
boring.
You know, I had a
dream last night
that I was
drowning in a pool,
and Pat Boone's life
flashed before my eyes.
[laughing]
When I joined
the police force,
I wanted some action,
some excitement.
Something.
You oughta
go to L.A.
I'm thinking about
it very seriously.
Trying to get something
going right now.
Get the old
heart pounding.
I'd go straight
to the vice squad.
It's not a
bad idea.
You know, there
must be some vice
in this town
somewhere.
Yeah, two
circuit hookers,
where's the time
to even bust 'em?
You're young.
You wait, O'Neil.
You'll get
bored too.
Well, I don't know.
You can get
k*lled out there
if things get
too exciting.
Yeah.
Well, some things
are worse than death.
[fan blowing]
You better stop reading
that crap, Brewster.
You're gonna
go blind.
Where's O'Neil?
Getting dressed.
Hate to do it.
Damn, O'Neil,
you look real nice.
[laughing]
You look lovely,
really lovely.
Anyway, we know
this guy
comes into the
hospital parking lot
and shakes his organ
and screams
some obscenity.
Good luck,
O'Neil.
There's only one thing
wrong with your legs, O'Neil.
What's that?
[laughing]
They go right up
to your ass.
[laughing]
♪♪
[laughing]
Oh my God.
[laughing]
I don't
believe it.
Please, just
be quiet, I--
I know it's funny.
I think
it's funny.
[laughing]
Excuse me, I--
I'm sorry,
I don't mean
to bother you, but,
I'm a little lost and
I was just wondering
if there might happen to
be a telephone around here
that maybe I could
possibly use?
[laughing]
That's right,
laugh, laugh!
You suffering
suckers, and look!
Look at the
magic wand of Willard,
the primitive prick
of the Potentate!
Touch it!
Fondle the
mandrake root.
Wait a minute,
hold it.
Yes, yes,
hold it.
[laughing]I love it.
Hold it.
Wait a minute, I'm
a police officer.
[laughing]
♪♪
I love you.
Police.
♪♪
[laughing]
[shouting]
[heavy breathing]
Please don't resist.
Jesus Christ.
Broke my heel.
[breathing heavy]
[groaning]
This is very
unconstitutional,
you know that?
[handcuffs clicking]
Ow!
Not so rough.
I'm sorry.
You know, you
think I'm weird.
You oughta take a
look at yourself.
Yeah, dressed
up in drag,
b*ating up on a
little guy like me.
[dispatch]
Unit One,
the Cohens are
at it again
over at
1224 South Wakefield.
[laughing]
Oh!
You dirty--
[yelping]
[car driving up]
[gasping]
Cow bitch
of a wife.
You pudding-ass
lowly sh*t!
[shouting and fighting]
[shouting in distance]
[doorbell ringing]
Uh, anybody home?
Hi.
Sweetie pie, there's
an officer out here.
Why, hello.
What's the matter?
Well, we have
a little complaint
from one of your
neighbors.
Complaint?
Yeah, they thought
somebody
was getting
k*lled in here.
Oh, that's
ridiculous.
It sure is.
Officer, you know
how it is.
Are you married?
Uh, no,
I'm not.
Well, every
now and then,
a husband and wife have
a tiny argument.
Nothing serious,
you know,
but they just
have to get it out.
[sighing]
Well, I
understand, but--
[clearing throat]
it's still against the law
to disturb
the peace.
Disturb the peace?
Looks like it's gonna be
a beautiful day, officer.
Yeah, it looks
that way.
Okay.
Officer.
Everything is
all right.
Don't worry
about a thing.
Toodle-oo!
Goodbye.
Have a
nice day.
What a
wonderful man.
He's such a
sweet boy.
But, I like
a real man.
Oh, you know,
oh, baby.
[blowing whistle]
[O'Neil narrating]
The chief liked for us
to get involved in
the community.
So, I became coach of
the Butternut Kittens.
[blowing whistle]
[O'Neil narrating]
We had an up and down season.
Oh!
♪♪
I wish I could
screw O'Neil
like I
screwed that game.
Oh, Jimmy.
Jimmy O'Neil.
He's sexy.
Older men
are sexy.
Anyway, he doesn't
notice us.
I had a dream that
he arrested me.
And he frisked you until
you started breathing.
He lifted up my skirt
with his shotgun,
and I froze.
And then?
I woke up.
Aw.
[O'Neil narrating]
Lisa was the coach
of the Armstrong Amazons.
It would seem
that a nurse
would have
some mercy.
She didn't.
How's the hospital?
Sick, lots
of sickness.
Well, it was
a nice game.
Yeah, I like
to win.
I can tell that.
You're not a
very good coach.
Well, I don't have
the k*ller instinct.
Well, that's
part of it.
[ball bouncing]
Listen, why don't
you give me a break?
Come on, officer,
what do you want?
I get the feeling that
you don't like me.
I mean, it's
just a feeling.
But, I think that's because
you've got me all wrong.
Well listen, there's
this birthday party
for my partner,
Lassiter,
and it's just
a small thing.
Be a chance for you to
get to know me better.
Well, okay.
How you feeling?
Very good.
You happy
you came?
Mm-hmm.
[Lassiter
singing "Taps"]
[laughing]
You know, I think I had
you all wrong, O'Neil.
You notice I only
have one eye open?
[laughing]
You see what O'Neil got
me for my birthday?
No.
Look at this,
watch this.
[laughing]
Isn't that great?
O'Neil!
Look at your
birthday present.
Oh.
It looks very
well on you.
Yeah, when I do,
I can see better.
[laughing]
Takes some
scars away.
[mumbling]
Ooh, look at the
little squirrel!
Look at that
little squirrel!
O'Neil, look at that!
[laughing]
Squirrel-- get out
here, will you?
Quiet, quiet.
Hey, you want some
potato chips?
Watch.
No.
[stepping on bag]
Like Jose Greco.
[stepping on bag
and laughing]
I know that I'm
a cold fish.
Cold fish.
[Lassiter]
Do cold fish!
[laughing]
I know that I am,
a cold fish.
I'm not!
No.
I really want to feel
something for people.
I know that you're
the action type.
Action.
I know that Vera
likes you a lot.
[laughing]
I'm one with nature.
[laughing]
But I'm-- I'm
the shy type.
And it's--
it's really hard
for me to open up.
That's true.
But, right now
I feel like
I can really
open up to you.
I mean, I really feel
like I can open up.
Do you know
what I mean?
[snoring]
[banging]
[shouting and fighting]
[blowing whistle]
[fighting continues]
[Lassiter]
Break it up!
[fighting]
How's Trex?
The same.
[shouting and
fighting continues]
[man]
Hit her in
the tits, Earl!
[woman]
Stop the fighting!
All right, who
started this fight?
[men]
He did!
Crowded, crowded,
crowded.
Get outta here,
will ya, get outta here.
♪♪
[doorbell buzzing]
Excuse me,
but I don't want to
seem hysterical.
But, I am hysterical.
There's a
prowler outside.
I saw him looking
in my window.
Are you sure?
Phew.
I wouldn't come over here
in the middle of the night
if I wasn't sure.
[sighing]
♪♪
[rustling]
[cat mewing]
[O'Neil narrating]
Ruby was a good neighbor,
with a good
imagination.
I didn't
see a thing.
Well, I'm sure I
didn't imagine it.
[O'Neil narrating]
You know, there are girls
that get turned on
by the uniform.
They want to
ball a cop.
Some will even
suck on your badge.
A cop is usually
overworked,
underpaid,
and misunderstood.
But he should never
be horny.
Damn that
city council.
It's the third time in
a row they voted down
air conditioning
for patrol cars.
They just flat
turned it down.
Well, what do
you expect?
Small town.
No, it's a
dull town.
♪♪
I've been on this
job five years.
I picked up
40 speeders,
five drunken drivers,
and one burglar.
[dispatch]
Unit One, O'Neil,
a gorilla on
the loose
over at the
Bekins building.
And now a gorilla.
Unit One,
we're on our way.
A gorilla.
♪♪
It's up there, way up
on the building.
Way up top there.
Yeah.
Okay ma'am, it's just
Bill in a gorilla suit.
Listen, he did the
same show in 1970.
It's a bad act.
Grab the booze.
♪♪
[crowd gasping]
♪♪
[Lassiter]
Come on out, get your
ass out of the way.
[O'Neil]
I'm moving,
Lassiter, I'm moving.
Move it.
I'm moving.
You weigh 50 pounds
less than me,
and you move
like an old lady.
Don't like
heights.
What do you mean,
you don't like heights?
Vertigo, it's a good
time to find out
you got vertigo,
terrific.
Okay, Bill,
Bill!
All right,
hold it now.
Don't you come any
closer, I'll jump!
Aw, come on, Bill.
Now, you can get
arrested for that.
For what?
Impersonating
an officer?
Look, just--
Don't you come
any closer.
Just don't jump yet,
Bill, not yet.
Oh, who cares?
We care.
Oh, nobody gives
a damn anymore.
Don't you come any
closer, or I'll jump.
Look, Bill.I'm warning ya.
For you, for you.
Just trying to
tempt me, huh?
Just trying to tempt me,
that's what you're doing.
How you feeling,
old timer?
I feel like hell,
that's how I feel.
All lonely and
all messed up.
Well, you did a
hell of a job
on that ledge.
I should.
I was a high wire
artist at one time.
A championship
high wire artist.
No kidding.
Here, have
a drink.
No, against
regulations.
Bill, why you always
doing this for?
I don't know.
I guess I'm lonely
and depressed.
[crying]
I just have
to drag out
the old gorilla suit.
Come on,
let's go, Bill.
How you
feeling now?
I feel like sh*t,
that's how I feel.
[O'Neil narrating]
When it rains, it pours.
My life was getting
complicated.
[doorbell buzzing]
Confusing.
I mean, when do
you ever get enough?
♪♪
The prowler's back.
You're joking.
So what?
[sighing]
[laughing]
♪♪
[door opening]
[scraping griddle]
[man]
How bout some
ham and eggs?
How you doing,
honey?
Just fine.
Coffee?
No, a beer.
Beer.
[man]
Three beers.
You guys
passing through?
That's right.
I used to be on the
road a lot myself once.
You're a good
looking woman.
Thank you.
You play around a
little, sweetheart?
Only food served
here, friend.
Now, if you looking
for something else,
you in the
wrong place,
and this is the
wrong time.
Who says?
I says.
[cook]
How you doing, Jimmy?
It's getting a little
rushed around here.
Uh, give me a six pack
of beer please, Ruby.
Sure.
Damn, I didn't know
this town had a cop.
Well, now you know.
[man]
Hell, this is the crime
capital of the nation.
[laughing]
Uniform is nice.
g*n, boots.
Hey, how much
they pay you?
Oh, enough
to get buy.
[man]
I bet they make you
buy your own b*ll*ts.
[laughing]
Jesus.
A cop in
this town?
What a drag.
We're sorry,
officer.
We don't mean
to bug you.
We just get
a little loud.
[laughing]
You ain't
loud yet.
I always say, empty cart
makes the most noise.
Forget the eggs.
Let's get
out of here.
Good idea.
See you later,
frosting.
Them three guys
are rehearsing
for a nervous
breakdown.
I thought they
were funny.
Thank you.
Tough luck.
That is a
pigeon.
Yeah.
Bet he's holding
a thousand.
And that tight-ass
little waitress?
Whoo!
In 1953,
Squirrel Franklin tried
to b*at me to death
with a 50-cent
bag of jelly beans.
Imagine that.
Tried to k*ll me with
a bag of jelly beans.
[phone ringing]You're lucky.
Could have been
jawbreakers.
Yeah, if the bag
hadn't broken.
Hello?
Yeah, oh yes,
yes, you bet.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, that's fine,
I understand, mm-hmm.
Right away.
Why, I need
a volunteer.
Judge leaving
town today,
and needs someone to
babysit Mrs. Crawford.
Oh, a bodyguard.
Sort of,
you know.
Well listen,
I'm leaving,
I could
run out there.
Good.
Wait a minute,
O'Neil.
I'm getting a
cup of coffee.
Now, that's what
I call graft.
Power peddling.
Using the police
force for your own
personal
errand boys.
Why, do you want
to go out there?
Just part of the job.
[mocking]
Just part of the job.
♪♪
Oh, I was hoping
it was you.
I'm your bodyguard.
Oh, that's nice.
Have a seat,
sit down.
Have a drink?
A drink,
no no,
that's against
regulations.
All these rules
and regulations.
I'm free.
Som en fugl,
that means "like a bird".
Do you like
my body?
Uh, yeah, I guess I
wouldn't be guarding it
if I didn't
like it.
I'm proud
of my body.
I can
understand that.
Oh, you might
offer to rub
some lotion
on my back.
Mm.
What do you do for
fun around here?
Oh, just hang out.
I bet you
hang out, O'Neil.
That is your
name, O'Neil.
Yes, that's right.
Are you discreet,
O'Neil?
I use deodorant.
You know what the
judge would do
if he saw
this whole scene?
No, ma'am.
He would
sh**t you.
You know what
he would do
if he caught us
in bed together?
He'd sh**t me?
Well...
...what would you
rather be sh*t for?
Rubbing my back or
making love to me?
[laughing]
Well, give me
ten seconds.
Don't b*at
around the bush.
I told you
I was discreet.
Well, I'm not.
[woman]
My husband never
fucks in the car.
Oh.
[O'Neil]
I'm sure that's true.
Once a month
in bed, that's all.
God, I get
so frustrated.
I don't think that's
enough for you.
Oh, look at you.
Look all over
your body.
Just, mm.
[moaning]
Oh, you're
very pretty.
Oh, thank you so.
Let me take
your pants off.
That's helpful.
Oh, Mrs. Judge,
fantastic.
Fantastic.
♪♪
Oh, I got a cramp,
let's change position.
Mm.
You're delicious.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
♪♪
[cheering]
Okay, Kittens, we have
five seconds to go.
All you have to do is
hold onto the ball, right?
[girls]
Right!
One, two, three...
[all]
Let's go!
[cheering]
[shouting and cheering]
When I win
this championship,
wow, my parents are
going to let me use
their car more often.
I won't have to
study so much.
[overlapping chatter]
Amazons are known
to be big.
[chatter continuing]
[O'Neil]
We finally got you.
At last.
Listen, I'm sorry
about the other day.
It was rude.
Forget it.
Well, it was just one
of those things, you know?
Yeah, well I'm
just a bitch.
No, no,
you're not.
When I'm around
you, I am.
Listen, I'm just
an average guy
trying to get by.
Bullshit!
Watch out, when
you get pissed,
your nipples
stand up.
O'Neil, you just don't
understand, do you?
You really
hurt my feelings.
I'm sorry.
You know,
you really think
you're God's gift to
women, don't you?
Playing around
behind your badge,
trying to get
into the pants
of every girl
in town.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're nothing but a...
[laughing]...f*cking creep cop!
You're not even
a good cop.
Hm.
You piss me off!
You know something?
I like a man
who's a man,
not one who
plays games.
So if you have any ideas
about me, prick-head,
you can
just forget it.
♪♪
Jimmy O'Neil,
Jimmy O'Neil.
We've got to figure
out some way
to get him
over here.
Well, come on,
think of something.
I'm thinking,
I'm thinking.
[sighing]
Oh, I know.
We can call up and
report a flying saucer
in the backyard.
What about Mr. Watterly
next door?
What about
Mr. Watterly?
Mr. Watterly,
Mr. Watterly.
What about
Mr. Watterly?
[girl]
Do you see
him out there?
Yeah, I think so.
♪♪
Okay.
♪♪
All right,
now the blouse.
Slowly.
[laughing]
What next?
Sit down and
I will show you.
[clearing throat]
Oh, there he is.
[laughing]
[moaning and
laughing]
Police department.
Watch this,
watch this now.
This is gonna be
so beautiful.
[laughing]
Where'd you
learn that?
Honey, I was
born with it.
Oh God, this is
so groovy.
♪♪
We blew it,
it didn't work.
I know.
At least we've got a
bottle of wine left.
Yes,
thank God.
[knocking]
Go, go.
Come in!
Come in, coach.Oh, it's you two.
Bobby and Mary.
Well, uh,
[clearing throat]
listen, what are
you girls up to?
Nothing much.
Honest, nothing.
Where are
your parents?
They've gone away
for the weekend.
Bobby's staying with me
until they get back.
We got a disturbing
the peace complaint
from next door.
It seems that you were
making a lot of loud noise,
and, well actually, that
you were parading around
in front of the
window, naked.
How strange.
Yeah.
Well, that's
indecent exposure.
So, what's
indecent about it?
Uh, the law.
I mean,
that's the law.
Mm.
That's the law.
We did it
on purpose.
Old man Watterly's
always looking in
over here, so we
decided to give him
something to
look at.
Oh, no.
No, just keep the
curtains closed,
and-- and--
and don't--
[coughing]
shake the old man up.
I mean, you could
k*ll him.
[laughing]
Okay?
Okay.
Coach?
You tell him.
Why don't we come over
here and sit down?
We have something very
important to tell you.
Really.
[sighing]
Really important.
Important?
Yes.
Well, just for
a minute.
Yes.
Just--
Lie down there.
Beautiful.
Well, we wanted
to get you here.
Mm-hmm?
So, we sat down
and we were
thinking about it.
And we had two
bottles of wine.
So, we take
one bottle
and we started
to think.
We like you.
But, you probably
think we're too young.
17 and 17
is 34.
I'm almost 18.
Well, listen, I--
I like you girls, too.
I mean, you're
wonderful for the team.
And, uh,
you won
the championship
for me, but--
We'll never
leave you alone.
We'll follow you,
and we'll get you
sooner or
later.
So, you might as well
give in, right now.
[laughing]
Take off your
g*n, coach.
No, I don't need
to do that.
It's-- oh.
[siren blaring]
♪♪
[man]
Cop's gonna
get you.
Smile pretty.
Frosting.
A little
bullshit.
Let me see your drivers
license and registration.
Sure thing,
'occifer'.
What's happening?
What's the matter,
Porky?
Well, you got a
bad tail light.
Jesus Christ.
We're not looking
for trouble.
We're looking at
a big, tough cop
like yourself,
g*n and everything.
Read it.
Oh, I can't read.
You're really
pushing it, fellas.
Any time you want
to take that g*n
and badge off,
Superman,
I'll push you all
over that street.
Bullshit.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
See you later,
Mr. Earp.
[ripping ticket]
All right, move,
go on.
Oink oink,
suey, suey!
Here, piggy, piggy,
piggy, piggy.
[laughing]
Here piggy, piggy,
piggy, piggy, piggy.
[tires squealing]
[birds chirping]
[g*nsh*t]
Hey.
[sh**ting g*ns]
I doubt whether I'll ever
use this thing in anger.
I don't think it
would be pleasant.
Who knows, maybe
the Black Panthers
will come to town.
Lassiter, you've been
watching too much TV.
Yeah, maybe.
[f*ring g*ns]
Come on, we better
get going.
We got the speed
number this afternoon.
I'll bring
the cards.
That's gin.
Gin?
g*dd*mn it.
Well, lucky in love.
Yeah, sure.
Must be going through
my new cycle.
Cycle?
Yeah, people's lives,
they move in cycles.
It's like--
like the stars.
Oh, astrology.
Right.
What's the matter, you
don't believe it, right?
Everything in life has
cycles and seasons.
Like my marriage.
I came out here
from New York City,
I met this girl, she
lived over here.
Decided to settle down,
nice place to raise children.
And five years later,
everything turns to sh*t.
She runs away with
a liquor salesman,
goes back to New York,
and I stay here.
Four, five, six...
Well, maybe you're
due for a new cycle.
I sure hope so--
eight, nine.
A new woman.
Ten-- yeah,
a new woman.
[sighing]
[car speeding
and honking]
Jesus Christ.
Son of a bitch
is flying.
Get after that guy.
[siren blaring]
[Lassiter]
Okay, would you--
watch out!
[screeching]
Don't lose him, don't
lose that mother,
I want his ass.
Turn it, turn it
right here!
Let's get on his ass.Son of a bitch!
Don't lose him.Shut up, Lassiter.
Just shut up!
g*dd*mn it, O'Neil!
assh*le, move that
car on the road!
Watch out
for the tree!
I see the tree,
thank you.
You, pull
it over!
Pull it over!
All right, get
out of that car.
Hey, don't
bullshit me.
It's not bullshit,
get out of that car!
All right, we're gonna
have to take you in.
[sighing]
Hey, will 50 make
it all right?
How about 100?
Hey listen, we almost got
k*lled chasing your ass.
Can you drive, miss?
We're gonna have to take
him to the station.
Yeah, I can drive
better than him.
All right, do you know
your constitutional rights?
Damn right I do,
you f*cking rednecks.
You shut
your mouth!
You shut your mouth.
Let's move it.
All right, he'll be
out in the morning.
You can keep him.
Know a motel?
Yeah, I know
some motels.
Tell me, is it
dangerous being a cop?
Well, sure,
but,
everything
is dangerous.
You ever
been sh*t?
A couple of times.
But you know
what's surprising?
Is that the moment
death is near,
you don't think
about it, you know?
The b*llet hits...
[clapping]
But you don't
feel the pain.
You feel the blood
oozing out,
and then, maybe, you
think you might die.
So, you've
been sh*t?
I don't like to
talk about it.
Show me
the scars.
What for?
Cause I want
to see them.
I mean, did they
get you there?
Or did they
get you there?
Everywhere.
It was a
machine g*n.
You're bullshitting me.
Why would I lie about
a thing like that?
Well, I think I'd
better be going.
Oh, the boy scout?
Well, listen honey,
you're not
really my type.
Or I'm not
your type.
Now, how do you
know that?
Well, cops like me
are strictly
lowlife.
Street people.
And you,
you're uptown.
And you're
conning me.
Well, I'll take
a beer with me.
I've never
balled a cop.
Don't brag.
I've balled
musicians.
And actors.
And doctors
and lawyers.
And even psychiatrists,
but never a cop.
Okay, what now?
Take your
clothes off.
I've got a
better idea.
Take my clothes off.
♪♪
Come on, make
it snappy.
I really have
to be going.
I'm the queen of
the one night stands.
One.
I'll give you a quarter
for the vibra-bed.
That isn't
necessary.
If you touch me
in the right place,
I'll vibrate at
the same speed.
Oh, that's cute.
That's very cute.
Look, you either tell me
what I want to know,
or you're gonna have
to deal with my partner,
and he's very mean.
Now, I'm a
nice guy, friendly.
See, smiling.
I can get rough
if you force me to.
Can I get
to my cell?
I'm not through with
you yet, turkey-head!
Now, you're in a
lot of trouble,
whether you
know it or not.
Your whole life is
in jeopardy,
whether you
know it or not.
Now, you either
tell me
what I want to know,
or I'm gonna send you
up to a place where they
have to pipe in sunshine.
According to
the Geneva--
Geneva's not in this
country, fruitcake!
♪♪
Ahh!
[laughing]
[mumbling to self]
It's about time we make
a hit or something.
What then?
We'll go up to Tahoe.
sh*t.
You know, Benny?
You're getting
g*n happy.
That pint of whiskey
cost $2.59.
[mumbling to self]
[laughing]
[pounding noises]
Hey, that's illegal.
What are you trying
to do there?
Hey, it's the
old timer!
Hey, old timer.You shouldn't be
doing that.
That's illegal.
You getting any?
[laughing]
Hey, you know
what he's doing?
He's trying to
break into
my friend's
money machine there,
and that's illegal
as heck.
Jesus, your
breath stinks.
Now, listen--
Get your damn
hands off me.
What the heck
are you doing?
Hey Benny, let's play
a little catch!
Now, you quit
this minute!
[overlapping chatter]
You know, I think
about, uh,
about Vera a lot.
Vera, the girl
at the--
Zoo.
Well, she doesn't
really strike me
as the type that
cooks and sits around
the house with your
pipe and slippers.
But who is?
[laughing]
[sobbing]
Get him up,
get him.
[sobbing]
[grunting]
Cut the sh*t.
Hey, cut
the sh*t!
Let's get the
hell outta here.
I hope he dies.
Come on,
move it!
[sobbing]
What I'm trying
to say is,
look, I know it sounds
like a cliché, but--
but what are
you doing working
in a place like this?
I enjoy it.
You're just
rationalizing now.
Vera, you deserve
better than this.
Now, look,
I've been watching
you for a long time now,
and well, I'm really
attracted to you.
And I know I
never said anything
about it till now,
but now that things
are going a little
better for me,
I just thought I'd
be needing a woman.
Someone who cares,
someone who wants a--
What are you
talking about?
A wife?
Huh?
Wait, just slow
down, Vera, huh?
Let me-- let me
say it my way.
You see, I'm
action oriented.
I find it very
hard to talk.
You want
some action?
Or you just trying to
talk me to death?
What are you
talking about?
Belly to belly?
This is off
the record, but,
I'm on duty.
♪♪
Come on,
get in.
Careful of my feet.
My feet are
very sensitive,
I got sensitive feet.
[moaning]
I think I'm coming
into my new cycle.
[sobbing]
It's okay,
old timer.
He got my bottle.
Who did it?
The gorillas are
mean, you know that?
They're mean
and hairy.
All right,
it's okay.
I'll get an
ambulance, hold on.
Oh, I'm hurting.
Hold on.
I'm hurting bad.
[sobbing]
Brewster!
Yeah, O'Neil here.
Will you get an
ambulance down to
the Quick Car Wash?
Thanks.
They b*at the
hell out of me.
♪♪
[man]
Hello, sweetheart.
Where you going?
You all by
yourself?
Here, p*ssy,
p*ssy.
♪♪
Hi.
How you doing?
Just fine.
Want to go
to a party?
No thank you, I really
have to get--
How bout spending
some time with us?
No, I really do
have to get home.
Aw, come on,
it's party time.
We want to have
a little party.
Want a drink?No thank you.
Let's talk
about it.
I think we better
talk about it.
[kicking can]
Please, come on
you guys.
Let's go over here
and talk about it.
Oh!
Come on, please?
[gasping]
Sure you wouldn't
like to have
a little
drink with us?
Go on.
No thank you.
Let's you and me
do some talking.
[panicked breathing]
I promise, we're not
going to hurt you.
Oh, come on,
please?
We're gonna
stay right here.
I wouldn't want to
break your ribs.
Oh, please?
No, you just
stay right here.
I can't let you go,
what'll they think?
We'll just stay
right here.
We're going to do a
little bit of talking--
[ripping clothes]
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[panicked breathing]
[screaming]
No, please.
Please don't.
No, no.
Now, let me
make you
a little more
comfortable.
[crying]
[laughing]
[breathing heavy]
No, please don't,
please.
[dog barking]
Please don't.
Now, you
give in.
You give in.
Please don't--
You give
in to me.
[breathing heavy]
[crying]
No.
Please don't.
It's no use.
Please don't.
[crying]
[man grunting]
Son of a bitch.
[crying]
♪♪
[groaning]
Just a little kiss.
[crying]
Oh, no.
I just want to
make love to you.
I'll be
nice to you.
[crying]
No.
[whimpering]
[breathing heavy]
Let me get to you.
[struggling]
[breathing heavy]
[sobbing]
No, no, no.
You're pretty quiet
today, Lassiter.
Yeah.
I think I'm
in love.
Something happen
last night?
Yeah, something
very important
happened to
me last night.
Well, that makes
two of us.
That Vera, she's
a lot of woman.
Yeah.
Well, you missed a lot
of action last night.
No, I-- I didn't miss
any action last night.
Well, you tell me
about your night,
and I'll tell you
about mine.
[laughing]
Oh, I think you're a
little young for that.
[laughing]
Jesus, it's
hot already.
Ah, g*dd*mn boot.
Hey Benny?
What are you
doing out there?
I don't know.
Tonight's the night.
I think we oughta
move out.
I ain't through.
Me neither.
That girl could
have talked.
So what?
Oh, she
wouldn't talk.
She loved you.
[laughing]
You didn't do
so bad yourself.
That cafe, it
could have in it,
2,000,
maybe 3,000.
I still think we
oughta move out.
You ain't afraid
of the cops?
[laughing]
♪♪
[doorbell buzzing]
Oh, uh...
Listen, not
tonight, Ruby.
It's all right.
I didn't come over
here for that.
Okay,
come on in.
Can I have
a beer?
Sure.
Jimmy.
I haven't been too
much fun these days.
Ever since old Bill
got beaten up.
[crying]
Those three guys
at the cafe.
Yeah?
I was coming home
the other night.
[crying]
And they...
And they grabbed me
and they--
and they threw me
against the wall.
[crying]
And they r*ped me.
All three of them,
they r*ped me.
And I couldn't
do anything.
I couldn't do anything.
That's okay,
it's okay, honey.
Why didn't you say
anything to me?
[crying]
Cause I was scared.
[sighing]
They said they were
going to k*ll me.
And-- and I
believe them.
And I was
ashamed.
[sighing]
I was ashamed.
I wish you'd have
told me about it.
[sniffling]
I don't think about you
like a real cop, anyway.
Oh, God,
bullshit.
I could have
helped you.
[sniffling]
[exhaling]
Damn it,
O'Neil.
You're beginning
to bore me.
Did you all of a sudden
turn f*g or something?
No.
I just have a few
things to think about.
O'Neil, I want
you to leave.
Put your uniform on
and get out of here.
And don't come back until
you get your juices flowing.
Hi, officer O'Neil.
Oh, could I have
some aspirin, please?
Sure, you want
large, economy,
giant, or
family size?
I-- just
some aspirin.
Small.
Okay, they're right
there in front of you.
[sighing]
Okay.
You're a friend of
Mary's aren't you?
Well, I know her.
I'm Judy.
Mary told me
all about you.
Well, I'm a good
friend, and--
Well, you understand.
[cash machine ringing up]
Hello.
Oh, hi Lisa,
how are you?
Good.
That's great.
Um, I've been
thinking.
And I'd really
like to apologize
for being so
bitchy.
I think I was
wrong about you.
No, you should follow
your first instincts.
I like you.
You were right
about me.
I mean, look.
I was in
the army.
And I saw all the
k*lling and the crap,
and I didn't
like it.
And I came
to this town,
and I got a job.
And I just wanted to
enjoy myself, you know?
Well, its all
gone sour.
I mean, I have no
commitment to my job.
I have no commitment to
the people I work with.
I don't even have
any commitment
to the people I like.
No commitment.
So listen, you're--
you're a very nice girl.
But, I just don't
know how to deal
with you right now.
Look, I'll
see you around.
Well, that's it.
I told them today
I'm gonna quit.
You sure?
Positive.
I called a friend of
mine in the LAPD,
says he's gonna check
some things out for me.
You oughta
get out, too.
I'm thinking
about it.
Good.
I'll have him check out
something for you, too.
No, I mean out.
Out?
Out,
police work.
What's the matter, somebody
kick you in the head?
Just about.
[scraping griddle]
Honey, you've been acting
blue all night long.
Just a little.
Oh, come on, now.
Don't look back.
A pretty girl
like you.
Ain't but three things in
the world worth anything,
and that's a
good cigar,
cool sip of water
on a hot summer day,
and a pretty girl
with a smile.
Hey, that's better.
[laughing]
You oughta write some of
that stuff down, Clyde.
Well, when I
get about to 80,
I think I'll write
myself a book.
I'm gonna call it
"Inside Clyde:
Good Time Philosophy".
[laughing]
[scraping griddle]
♪♪
Hello, gentlemen,
tonight you are too late.
We are closed.
That's perfect.
Hi, honey.
Lou, check out
the place.
Check the back room.
What's the
matter, honey?
Don't you like what
happened the other night?
[panicked breathing]
Don't go
for it, n*gg*r,
I'll blow her
head off!
Help!
[screaming]
[groaning]
Get that dumbass
out of here!
Now, where's
the money?
I don't know.
You don't
know, you--
Where is it?
[laughing]
Find it,
god damn it!
[items falling]
[laughing]
♪♪
Hold it.
What?
Look over
at Clyde's.
So?
The blinds are drawn
and the lights are on.
So?
Let's go over
and take a look.
Anything you say.
Listen, you go around
and cover the back door.
I'll take
my shotgun.
♪♪
Where are
Clyde and Ruby?
[Lou]
Just stepped out.
Coming back.
We're kind of watching
the place for them.
Well, that's
very nice.
Sounds real
neighborly.
[laughing]
[fork falling]
We under arrest?
Not quite yet.
I'm hoping you
might resist.
[laughing]
[screaming]
[fighting]
♪♪
[plates smashing]
[groaning]
[fighting continues]
♪♪
Freeze!
[g*nsh*t]
[fighting]
[screaming]
[grunting]
[screaming]
[g*nsh*t]
[Ruby screaming]
[tires squealing]
[cars crashing]
[screaming]
[windshield breaking]
[crashing]
[expl*si*n]
♪♪
[bulldozer starting up]
[g*nsh*t]
[g*nsh*t]
[g*n clicking]
[choking]
This is
ridiculous.
O'Neil.
O'Neil,
you all right?
[siren blaring]
Oh, you're here.
Isn't this
poetry?
I'd still rather be
making love to you.
Keep still.
[siren blaring]
♪♪
[O'Neil narrating]
Well, I lived,
though I
complained a lot.
I didn't want to
be a hero.
♪♪
Yep, a cop is
usually overworked,
underpaid, and
misunderstood.
But he ain't
never horny.
How are you
feeling?
Fine.
♪♪
[roaring]
Dirty O'Neil (1974)
Moderator: Maskath3
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