[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
VIC: Tedjo's slippery.
He's small, but don't
underestimate him.
- Just follow my lead, kiddo.
- Okay.
- MAN 1: Sir.
- MAN 2: Yes, please.
Hello. Need to get up
to the penthouse please.
I'll let Mr. Washington
know that you're here.
It's best
if we surprise Mr. Washington.
Yeah. I think
that'd be best.
Thank you.
MORRIS: "Mr. Washington"?
Why would Tedjo stay here
and not a safehouse?
Better not be
a bad friggin' tip.
"Friggin" '?
Daughter thinks
I swear too much.
[MORRIS LAUGHS]
Is Nicole still dating
that guy?
Yeah. Mathis.
- Smells like a candle.
- [SNICKERS]
God, I hope
they're not having sex.
Oh, don't worry about it,
she's Catholic.
Probably just a bit of a**l.
- [SIGHS] Morris.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[COCKS g*n]
- Get down!
- [BOTH GROAN]
VIC: What the...
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- [MORRIS GRUNTS]
- [VIC YELLING]
VIC: [EXHALES] Clear.
[MORRIS GRUNTS]
[MAN YELLING]
Morris! You okay?
[GRUNTING]
[GROANS]
VIC: Tedjo.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
sh*t!
VIC: Fucker!
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
Oh. Oh, Jesus! [PANTS]
[g*n f*ring]
[PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
Two, three,
four, five, six!
[g*n CLICKING]
[MAN GROANS]
You little sh*t!
[YELLING]
[PANTING]
- [g*nsh*t]
- Vic, you good?
- That's Tedjo.
- Come on.
[BOTH PANTING]
MORRIS: I don't see him!
Where'd he go?
- [TEDJO GRUNTING]
- MAN: Hey!
I got him!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
We gotta move!
Oh, sh*t!
[GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
Yes!
Is he there? Morris?
MORRIS: Just got down here!
I don't see... [SCREAMS]
- Vic! Help!
- sh*t!
Help, help! Vic, help!
Morris! [GRUNTS]
[GROANING]
Stop!
Come on!
MORRIS: Move!
Morris!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
MAN: Hey! Yo, man!
What's up?
- Stop!
- MAN 2: Watch out!
Stop and turn around!
[PANTING]
Hands up! Now!
Slowly! Don't move!
- [g*nsh*t]
- [CROWD SCREAMING]
Morris!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Morris!
- [MORRIS SCREAMS]
- Morris!
[MORRIS SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
Morris!
[MORRIS GROANING]
sh*t.
Tell me you're good.
Morris?
Come on, kid,
talk to me.
Stay with me, kiddo.
Come on.
Oh, God damn it!
[MORRIS GROANING]
I need backup.
We need medical support
at the west entrance
to the Staples Center.
You're good. Hey.
Morris?
Morris!
Help!
DJ: [ON RADIO] It's 5:00,
Los Angeles. Quittin' time!
Get home, jump in the pool,
have a cold one.
Because this heat wave
is still working.
103 degrees at the beaches,
Let's do it!
It's hot as hell, people,
and the traffic is a demon.
405 is backed up
from the 10 to Sunset.
Two lanes closed on the...
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh.
Oh, sh*t! Again?
Stu!
[SIGHS]
Stuber.
You didn't cancel.
It affects my rating.
I can't drop below four stars
or I lose this job.
Ooh. New ride?
A little eco-puss for me but not bad.
How'd you
afford this, Stuber?
It's a lease, and you can
stop calling me Stuber.
Oh, come on. You know
I gotta be tough with you.
I can't show favoritism
in front of
my other employees.
You told Ashley in kayaks
that I lost my penis
in the Gulf w*r.
[LAUGHING] I did that.
Come on, man.
The point is,
I see potential in you, Stu.
Just type in
your destination.
- I'm not going to Bosley.
- But...
I'm banging a chick
that works there.
- Is her name Propecia?
- Huh?
- Hmm?
- All right.
Give me some of them
Coffee Crisps, son.
I need the full
Stuber experience
or you're getting
one star again. Whoo!
- [MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER]
- Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
MAN: Okay, this is
gonna sound complicated.
But what I need you to do
is take Alta Loma,
down to North Croft Street.
- Five cheeseburgers.
- Five cheeseburgers.
- WOMAN: Five cheeseburgers.
- No onions, no pickles.
- WOMAN: Did you say five cheeseburgers?
- No onions! No pickles!
- You're not gonna eat this in the car, right?
- Oh, no.
- Down at the bar.
- How come he uses...
I have four voicemails
from him.
...four heart emojis?
Every time he texts me...
Harry's parents d*ed
and was k*lled by Voldemort.
- I just hate fish.
- [SNORING]
Now, a lot of
people think...
Can't you see
I'm in pain here?
Could you at least
drive the speed limit?
MAN: Watch out!
- [THUDS]
- [GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
That's on you, bro.
- [RETCHING]
- No! No!
- No, go out the window!
- [VOMITS]
STU: "Massive eyebrows?"
Ugh.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
[GASPS] Byron Jade.
sh*t.
[BELL RINGS]
- MAN: Happy birthday, Kramer.
- Yo, Vic.
- KRAMER: I appreciate it.
- McHENRY: It's Kramer's 50th.
I brought you the world's
tiniest piece of cake.
I didn't get cake
on my birthday.
What're you doin' here?
Like a dog on a bone,
you, huh?
VIC: Tedjo's a cop k*ller.
He's still trafficking
through LA.
He'll make a mistake.
I'll get him.
Look, I don't know
how to tell you this...
but you're out of time.
The chief is kicking Tedjo
up to the feds.
Bullshit!
I've been working
on this case for two years!
Look, we don't have
any choice.
It's their case now.
Feds didn't make promises
to Morris's family.
Maybe you shouldn't
have either.
Losing a partner
can sideswipe you.
You're blaming yourself,
but it's not your fault.
Look, when was
the last time
you took a few days off?
Some PTO.
Spend some time with Nikki.
Yeah, I'm gonna
see her tomorrow.
She's driving me
to a doctor's appointment.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Just old, blind.
Getting
Lasik surgery tomorrow.
Okay. Spend some time with
your beautiful daughter.
You'll come back
a new man.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Truly am, Vic.
Big lease.
This is it, huh?
BECCA: Yep.
I have signed my half.
Once you sign yours,
it is official.
I'd have to move some funds around,
but, you know...
Check out
my photoshop skills.
Oh, wow. That's awesome.
That is beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- Wow.
Wow! Byron Jade!
Oh, yes! He's gonna be
our celebrity endorsement.
- It's amazing, right?
- [EXCLAIMS]
I just was...
Because you had said
that we couldn't
mention me on the pamphlet...
because it's
a women-only gym...
and then your man friend
Byron Jade...
much more of a man
than I am.
Oh, Stu, no, no, no!
No, this is just about
getting butts on bikes.
Sign it, sign it,
sign it.
- Okay!
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
No regrets.
Stu, oh, I'm gonna cry.
We're gonna be
small-business owners.
Actually, I prefer
business operator.
'Cause it reminds me
of the Sade song
and that is empowering
to me, so...
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Mmm.
- We're doing it!
- STU: Yes!
RICHIE: Becca,
I like your shoes.
They don't really go
with your outfit...
but, uh,
you can pull it off.
BECCA: Oh, Richie,
thank you.
I like your facial hair.
Although, am I your type?
'Cause I'm over 12.
- [CHUCKLES] What?
- BECCA: I'm gonna go...
'cause when you entered,
my tailbone was like,
"We're unsafe!"
Will you call me later?
- STU: Yeah.
- All right.
STU AND BECCA: Bye!
BECCA: I'm excited!
She was making a joke.
I don't like
when girls make jokes.
Hey, um, can I pick up
some more shifts?
I need some more cash
coming in.
Not in this economy.
Cool?
Sure.
Also, not really
an appropriate question
to ask your boss.
Yeah. You think
Becca would f*ck me?
I don't.
DOCTOR: The blurriness
should dissipate
in the next 24 hours,
give or take.
Rest, no driving,
avoid stress...
increased heart rate,
sunlight, heat, dust.
You might experience
some dizziness, headache.
All right.
- Looking good.
- [EXHALES]
Keep these on
the rest of the day.
VIC: Okay.
How long before
I can see straight, doc?
When you can read
the bottom line,
you're good to go.
[GRUNTS] God, it's bright.
NICOLE: Hold on. Hold on.
I'm coming, Dad.
- You good?
- VIC: Yeah.
NICOLE: All right.
Watch your step.
Man, that jackass screwed up my eyes.
I can't see sh*t.
So, um,
I know it's only August...
but I think
I'm gonna do Christmas
with Mom and David
this year.
VIC: What about
eating here?
- It's our Christmas tradition.
- No.
This is not our tradition.
This is your tradition.
I hate coming here.
Hey, Howard Wu
is good people.
And I like the food anyway,
it's good.
So, um, guess your eyes are
too banged up
to make it tonight?
Tonight! Abbot Kinney.
Oh. Of course.
Yeah, no, I was just thinking
about that earlier.
You think I'd miss my baby girl's
first gallery show?
Well, you did schedule
eye surgery
the same day as it, so...
Well, even if I was having
a heart transplant today,
I'd be there.
Right. But you can't
actually see, so...
I'll get up
real close then.
- [SIGHS DEEPLY]
- Don't do that.
Don't do that
where you breathe like that.
I'll be there.
Just pick me up on your way.
Oh. Sure, yeah, I'll drive
two hours out of my way,
in traffic,
during a heatwave...
to pick you up.
Instead of...
I don't know,
getting ready for maybe
the biggest night
of my career.
Give me your phone.
Come on, come on!
Give me your phone.
If you're really serious
about coming...
then I'm gonna make it as easy
on you as possible.
Okay.
This is Uber.
- Yes, I know what Uber is.
- Okay.
Then you know how to get to your
daughter's art show...
that you definitely
remembered was tonight.
Okay, you're gonna need
a password, so...
- My birthday, how about that?
- Your birthday.
That's a good test.
Okay. Do you have any good selfies?
You're gonna need a picture.
VIC: I don't know.
NICOLE: Wow.
Cool pics, Dad.
Okay, look at me. [SIGHS]
[CLICKS]
Great.
Here you go.
- Hey.
- What?
I can't wait for tonight.
COMMENTATOR 1: [ON TV]
With runners at the corners
and a one-one count,
- nobody out.
- [SNORING]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- The pitch...
- for a ball.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
COMMENTATOR 2:
I gotta tell you,
Los Angeles is now
putting themselves...
in the mix
for the playoff hunt.
They've got
the third lowest...
- Yeah.
- LEON: It's tonight.
The drop is going down, man.
Hundred-f*cking-percent.
VIC: Leon, whose drop?
Tedjo.
- Tedjo?
- Yeah, he's back.
Yo, man, this is big.
Are you f*cking sure?
Maybe even more.
That's your f*cking intel,
all right, Vic?
Oh, you done good, buddy.
You done good.
Where are you?
Koreatown.
Cordova and Vermont.
Where's Tedjo
making the drop?
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
Leon?
Leon! f*ck!
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[PANTING]
[GRUNTS] f*ck!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[HORN BLARES]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
You got this.
- [HORN HONKING]
- Out of the way!
Hey, assh*le! Move it!
- [THUDS]
- God damn it!
Oh, f*ck! sh*t!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Sorry!
I'll pay for that!
STU: So you can work out
without having men ogle you.
Just you
and your gal pals,
listening to Sia,
getting your beach bods.
- [HORN HONKS]
- VIC: Out of the way!
- [GROANS]
- Get out of the way!
- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not!
- Move it! I'm a cop!
- Stop! Stop!
Get all of this sh*t
out of the road!
Yeah, yeah,
I see the bulldozer!
Stop!
VIC: God damn it!
God damn it!
You okay, man?
You assholes got a permit
for this hole?
CONSTRUCTION WORKER: What?
STU: "These people"?
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- [BEEPS]
- Jesus Christ.
Please be a five-star ride.
- Hey!
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Uber?
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Be cool. Be nice.
Smile. Smile.
- Uber?
- Yeah.
Hey.
Let me guess,
you want me to drive you
to all the Sarah Connors
in the city, huh?
Come on. Start it up.
Let's go.
Oh, it's already started.
Electric car.
I call it
"silent but deadly."
Kind of like a fart,
but instead it's a great car.
Drive.
I'm Stu.
How do you do?
Can I get you
some bottled water?
Some Canadian chocolates?
It was one of those things where I thought
I was getting five bars on Amazon,
- but I ended up getting five...
- Koreatown. Now.
Koreatown.
Now.
Hold on. I'm gonna bang
a U-ey here real quick.
Nope. Don't got it.
Hold on.
[MOUTHING]
Thank you, thank you.
Oh. Didn't quite make it.
- Just a second.
- MAN: Let's go!
STU: Looks like someone drove
their car into a ditch.
They should put a sign up.
Well, if they didn't
see the ditch,
they're not gonna
see the sign.
Just a couple more points
and we got it.
[HORN HONKING]
DJ: [ON RADIO]
Another record-setting day
in Los Angeles.
Hottest day since 1911.
Stay safe, folks.
This is Madness!
STU: What kind of music
do you like?
I got a fully-loaded iPod.
I got rap, hip-hop, R&B,
adult-contempo...
world music.
Name a thing, I bet I have it.
Let's play a game.
Cool glasses, man.
What, are you going to
a racquetball game later?
[CHUCKLES]
I can't see.
Oh, my God.
You're blind?
I am so sorry.
I didn't know
it was like that.
It'll come back.
That's the spirit.
[GRUNTS]
Did you just throw those
out the window?
I know. Classic rock.
Music to work out to,
my man.
Styx. What's that song?
[SINGING]
Come Sail Away.
That's what it's called!
"Come Sail Away."
You know,
generally people
who don't want conversation
hop in the back.
If you sit shotgun,
it's sort of code
that you're D-T-T.
- Down-To-Talk.
- I'm more...
D-T-shut-the-f*ck-up.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
That's funny.
No, seriously,
how much do you bench?
Two-hundo? Three-hundo?
I wanna get up to, you know,
having a 45 on each side.
Bang those out.
Grandfather wore glasses,
but glaucoma so...
VIC: [SIGHS]
Why are we stopping?
- What the hell's going on?
- GIRL 1: Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Sloan.
GIRL 2: Melanie.
- What the hell?
- STU: The USC campus, right?
- BOTH: Yeah.
- Can I interest you in some
Canadian chocolate?
Coffee Crisps?
- We're actually late...
- Nope, we're good...
...so if you could
get us there.
What the hell's going on?
Two young women have just
gotten into the back seat
of the car.
You selected
the UberPool option, so...
Uber-what?
UberPool.
You pool the cost
of the ride
with other passengers
going in the same direction.
No. No.
It's actually
very cost-efficient.
They're going to USC
and he's just...
No, no, no. Ladies,
official police business.
Is that even real?
- Get the f*ck out of the car!
- [BOTH GASP]
- Oh, God!
- Go, go!
- VIC: Move it, move it!
- Stop yelling at us!
- VIC: Grab your sh*t...
- STU: What? No, no.
- ...and get out!
- GIRL: Seriously?
- No, please come back!
- GIRL: So lame!
Please don't penalize my
star rating! Not my fault!
Come on. Let's go, Steve.
[SIGHS] Come on.
Are you staring at me?
STU: So, can we rewind
real quick?
"Official police business"?
VIC: Just going to
see a friend.
STU: Never Uber'd a cop before.
Ever been sh*t?
Ever taken a b*llet
for someone?
What do you mean?
Like, have you ever...
jumped in front of someone
and taken a b*llet
that was intended
for that person?
You know what I mean?
Person, b*llet, you.
You think
by the time a g*n is fired
that you can jump
in front of a b*llet?
Now I'm starting
to question it.
Yeah, we don't live
in slow-motion land, kid.
I bet you're
also wondering...
if I've ever walked away
from a big expl*si*n
and not looked over
my shoulder.
You've made your point.
sh*t out the tires on a car
speeding towards me.
A hundred times over.
We're here.
[VIC CLEARS THROAT]
It's been
a five-star ride for me.
Hope it's been
a five-star ride for you.
If you want
your five stars...
keep the meter running.
Oh, there's no meter.
People will just
call another Uber.
That's...
Bye, forever!
Wow.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
"Andre the giant
m*therf*cker."
God damn it.
Hurry up.
Leon!
[GRUNTS]
Leon!
[GRUNTS] Damn it!
Leon!
[GROANS]
[RINGTONE PLAYS]
Smooth operator speaking.
f*cking Byron, man!
He's a piece of sh*t!
He came over.
He goes to the bathroom...
I obviously immediately
look at his phone.
It's f*cking full
of all these pictures...
of all these girls who look
barely out of
f*cking high school.
It's like vag*na, vag*na,
vag*na, vag*na.
Oh, my God!
I broke up with him!
- Becca, you are a queen.
- [BECCA GRUNTING]
Byron is a full-on
piece of sh*t
and he doesn't deserve you.
I wanna lock myself in my
apartment like Grey Gardens.
I want to
Grey Gardens myself.
That is the most depressing
verb I've ever heard.
I wanna scream
into a cup for six years.
I'm gonna start drinking.
Then Yogurtland,
then vengeance.
- Tequila?
- Yes.
God, yes. Always.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Well, I'll bring a bottle
and some yogurt.
- You decide the order, okay?
- Okay.
Stu, will you hurry?
I really need you.
I'm just gonna drop off
Douche Lundgren
and I'll be right over, okay?
Okay.
All right.
Okay, you hang up first.
- Okay, I'm hanging up.
- [BEEPS]
No. Oh. She's gone.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Yes!
Leon, where's the drop?
If you're using again.
Leon!
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry, Leon.
[HORN HONKS]
So did you
find your friend?
Is that blood?
No.
All right. So we're done.
I'll just drop you off
where I picked...
[SHUSHING]
Yo, Amber.
What's up, girl?
It's Leon!
[LAUGHING] Yeah!
Been a minute.
Yeah. Where you at, girl?
All right, you know
I can dig that. Ha!
All right, you keep
that ass warm for Leon.
Ha-ha!
Yeah. You know that, girl.
- [SIGHS]
- Very problematic.
Sizzle Room. Compton.
What other races can you do impressions of?
Can you do me?
Compton!
Okay, stop just
yelling neighborhoods.
That's not
how Uber works, okay?
You're quick to anger.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
STU: Oh, didn't
quite make it.
VIC: Oh, come on.
STU: And I'm parked.
[VIC SIGHS]
Let's go.
Hey.
- Yes?
- Come on.
I don't want you
driving off on me.
Nah. I'm all sizzled out
for the day.
Thanks for
the invite, though.
Let's go.
I'm not going in there.
The Sizzle Room's
health grade is a B.
Which I'm pretty sure
stands for Hepatitis B.
Look, I know you think you have
more important things to do right now.
- I do.
- You don't.
Now I paid for a driver...
and I'm getting
a f*cking driver...
with little gold stars.
Come on.
VIC: It smells
like balls in here.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- STU: Wonder why.
[LAUGHTER]
This is the bar.
Hey. Looking for
Amber Titties.
It's pronounced Tittyais.
It's French.
She's in the back.
Come on. Let's go.
Uh, no, I'll respect
the dancers' privacy.
What's wrong? You've never
seen a naked woman before?
Come on.
VIC: Drunk bastard
just gave me a dollar.
STU: Cool.
ANNOUNCER: [ON SPEAKERS]
And that was Thor!
VIC: A lot of security
back here.
I'm gonna check it out.
Stay put.
AMBER: So, yes,
I'll have them see the house
tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
That looks good.
What is that? Chicken salad?
- Mm-hmm. You want a bite?
- No thank you, sweetie.
But here's the thing though,
you really think
you should be eating that?
Well, I mean,
I am hungry.
Water only...
four hours before stage!
Ain't that right, fellas?
- DANCERS: Yeah. Yes, ma'am.
- MAN: Them's the rules.
Not even, like,
a granola bar?
- Is that healthy?
- Who the f*ck are you?
Oh, no, actually,
I just mean carbs...
- are unfairly demonized.
- No.
If that's how he's lookin',
I wouldn't change
what he's cookin'.
- It's fine.
- Oh, it's fine?
So you think
people come in here to see
a fat piece of sh*t
floppin' his tits around?
I don't have tits!
Nobody wants to see a big d*ck
hanging off a bag of garbage.
Shouldn't have weighed in.
I'm sorry. Not a pun.
Oh, no, no.
Please continue to
mansplain to me
what I'm supposed to be doing.
'Cause, you know, as a woman,
I have no f*cking idea!
You do your thing.
I'll go f*ck myself.
Thank you so much
for giving me permission.
- Are you still eating that?
- [CLATTERS]
- Ms. Titties?
- Tittyais.
Who the f*ck's asking?
We not hiring, honey.
LAPD.
Need to talk to you
for a second.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no. It's my fault.
You don't have man boobs.
Her bark is way more vicious
than her bite.
That's not true.
She bit me. It really hurt.
Hey, can you give me a hand
with something?
Your self-esteem?
FELIX: She was up
by twelve points in August.
I was all in.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
STU: Oh, man.
FELIX: Three red roses?
Girl is thirsty.
He was a good man.
A loyal customer.
A friend.
So were you two
close, close?
AMBER: Leon was
a complicated man.
He liked blowjobs
from the back.
That's tough.
Weird.
I just love her, man.
I do. Since college.
- Does she know?
- No.
You know, we had sex once...
like a year and-a-half ago.
She was going
through a breakup.
I'm over at her house,
and we're getting drunk...
we're watching
When Harry Met Sally...
and then one thing
lead to another...
and then her Harry met
my Sally and it was great.
But then she acted
like nothing happened.
So then I acted
like nothing happened,
and so then
nothing happened.
All right. Look.
You need to tell her
how you feel.
A relationship cannot thrive
without honesty.
That's why
Amber calls me out
for being
a fat piece of dogshit.
That's abuse.
That's a different thing.
No, it's love. Tough love.
Look, we about
to get a rush.
What's your fat
Freddie Mercury-looking-ass
got for me?
All right.
Let's cut the sh*t.
[VIC SIGHS]
Tedjo.
Leon ever mentioned
that name to you?
Say anything
about a big shipment?
Think real hard,
Ms. Tittyais.
That's why I dropped
all the charges against Amber.
- [RINGTONE PLAYS]
- Oh.
Wait, wait,
that's her ringtone.
That's Becca's ringtone.
I need a good background.
What's a good,
neutral background?
- Hey!
- Hello. Guess who just wrote
roughly fourteen paragraphs
on Byron's Facebook page...
about what a worthless
sleazebag he is.
Ah, yes.
The revenge phase.
Three glasses of Savah-Bee
will do that to a girl.
Yep, you are drunk.
The alcohol
is actually helping.
Because it's
giving me clarity.
- Clarity?
- [CHUCKLES]
- What kind of clarity?
- Okay.
Um, did I just see a penis?
Where are you?
Oh. Nowhere,
nowhere, nowhere.
Did I just see
a d*ck the size
of Simon Birch,
or what's going on?
[STAMMERS] Don't worry.
What were you saying?
- "Clarity"?
- Okay, I have this crazy idea.
I'm feeling
a lot of stuff right now.
With the business and you.
I want you to come over.
And I want to watch...
When Harry Met Sally.
Remember the time we did it?
[CHUCKLES]
Did what?
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God!
I don't wanna put you
in a weird position...
if you don't wanna
do it again.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's not a weird position.
It's a good position.
You know what?
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, great! Cool.
[EXCLAIMS] I'm here!
I'll just come right over.
And, uh, we'll do it.
Beep!
No take backs.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]
- [BOTH EXCLAIM]
- Did you hear that?
- Becca wants to f*ck!
Oh, my God!
What am I gonna do?
- You're gonna f*ck!
- But then what?
We just don't
talk about it?
Not this time. This time
you tell her how you feel.
You open your heart.
You be honest. Go.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Lock it down.
- Lock it down.
- Lock it down.
I'm gonna lock it down.
I'm gonna tell her how I feel.
Amo.
Amo Cortez.
Amo Cortez?
Leon did a minute
in Lancaster.
Amo was his cellmate.
I overheard them
talking last week.
He was trying to get Leon
in on something.
He said it was
gonna be big.
You know
where I could find Amo?
Runs with the Alamitos 13.
That's all I know.
Steve. Let's go.
Steve!
Uh...
[SIGHS]
Where are my keys?
Going somewhere?
- Those are mine!
- Nah, they're mine
- until I'm done with you.
- No, no, no.
I'm going to see Becca
right now.
No. Long Beach.
Then we'll talk.
- f*ck Long Beach. f*ck you.
- Hey!
[GRUNTS]
I will drag your ass
to jail.
A white cop dragging around
a brown man.
That'll look great.
I'm not white.
You're not white?
What are you? Puerto Rican?
Mexican? Libyan? Chilean?
You're not Chinese.
- I'm the r*cist one?
- You look like...
if all the ugly people
in every race f*cked!
Come on, let's go.
Long Beach.
Get in the car!
You were right.
Yeah, they were just here.
Yeah, there's two of them.
VIC: So this Becca chick
says, "Jump."
And you say, "How high?"
STU: If you knew her,
you'd jump too.
- You'd pole vault.
- Oh. Bullshit.
I don't jump for anybody.
'Cause I've got self-respect.
You know what that is?
Is that when a blind cop
kidnaps an Uber driver?
When I was 14 years old,
my dad took me on a...
camping trip
out in the desert.
First night there he jumps
in his truck, he says,
"I'm going into town
to get some groceries."
You know
what that really meant?
That meant
he was going into town
to get drunk
and hook up with a local.
STU: You know,
I don't remember
signing up for
this TED Talk.
First few hours go by
and I think
he's probably
got a flat tire.
Then it gets dark, and then
it gets cold. I'm hungry.
There is sh*t in the desert
making noise.
I'm scared to death.
And?
So I sat there all night
freezing my ass off.
Starving, clutching this
pen Kn*fe till dawn.
[SIGHS]
This pen Kn*fe.
It's all I had.
It got me through.
No, it didn't.
The pen Kn*fe did nothing.
It was just a psychological
security blanket.
Also, you had a terrible,
abusive father.
I became a man that night.
That's the point.
You don't need to drop
your kids off in the desert...
to teach them
how to be a man.
What do you know
about being a man?
STU: Wow, this place
is not gentrified at all.
- VIC: We're here?
- Hey, you think...
these guys will be gracious
enough to let me use an outlet
- to charge my car?
- VIC: Probably not.
Nuh-uh.
I'm gonna hold onto these.
I'd tell you to stay
in the car, but I figure...
you're too afraid
to get out, so...
I'm not too afraid
to get out.
I just don't want to.
I'm choosing
to stay in the car.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
VIC: LAPD. Open up.
- [DOG GROWLS]
- What?
- MAN: Five-oh! Five-Oh!
- Get this sh*t.
Get it out of here, man!
Get the crystal.
What are you doing?
MAN: There's some
in the back. In the back!
Amo Cortez?
Sorry, homie.
This ain't LAPD territory.
Yeah, it is now.
- WOMAN: Hey!
- MAN: What the f*ck, man?
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
"Yo, Becs! 'Sup...
"girl?
"I'll be slightly late.
"But I'll be right over...
"so we can...
"have sex."
No.
"Get down."
That's too vague.
"So, we can...
"achieve penetration."
Nope, that's not it.
Don't you need a warrant
or some sh*t?
VIC: You think
I'm playing games?
I guess you won't miss
your big, fancy TV then.
Dude, that's a fish t*nk.
[ALL GASP]
That's the microwave,
homes.
VIC: What the hell?
You guys just sit around...
and watch fish all day?
How's that?
And, I'm gonna give you
five seconds
to tell me
where Amo Cortez is!
"So, we can...
"...f*ck."
Yeah. That's it.
People say that.
I wanna f*ck you.
No. "So, we can...
"do the thing
that we had...
"decided upon."
That's good, that's good.
- Sent.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
God, what have I done?
att*ck, Pico!
VIC: What's wrong with him?
You assholes.
How much you feed him?
I said how much
you feed him?
- [WOMAN GASPS]
- [MAN GROANS]
How do you like that,
tough guy?
How does that taste?
Taste good?
How do you like that,
assh*le?
Now, I'm gonna ask you
one more time!
Where's Amo Cortez?
Hello, Amo.
f*ck you guys, man!
"It's not the size
of the boat
- "it's the motion..."
- [GATE OPENS]
AMO: Yo, this illegal
as f*ck, man!
You can't just walk in my
momma's house like this!
Tio, do something, man!
This is bullshit.
Police brutality in here!
AMO: [GROANS]
sh*t! Watch out
- for the f*cking car, man.
- Hey, hey.
f*ck you, homie!
I got f*cking rights!
No. f*ck you, homie!
You're looking at five years
for possession.
- Unless you wanna talk.
- Uh, Vic?
No?
Watch him. I'll be back.
AMO: This is bullshit, man!
No. No, no. Vic. Vic.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey. You cannot just
leave him in my car.
This is a hard no for me.
- This is an UberPool, right?
- No, it's not an UberPool!
Don't act like...
you know
what UberPool is, okay?
You learned that
earlier today.
Here, take this.
Oh, no, I am not
touching that.
He can help me cr*ck a case
I've been working on
for years!
He's handcuffed.
- He's locked in a car.
- I'm not doing it.
- The safety's on.
- No.
Just point it at him.
Don't let him smell
you're a civilian.
Two minutes.
You get your five stars...
and you're free
to go see your girl, man.
And you get to tell her how
you helped an officer in need.
Steve...
this is your night
in the desert.
My name is Stu.
[MOUTHING] f*ck you.
Hey, assh*le! How many bags
did you feed the dog?
I don't know, man.
I lost count.
What?
We good.
[VIC PANTING]
You okay, buddy?
You okay?
Yeah.
Is this an Uber?
Man, f*ck this!
I'm out of here.
Hey!
This ain't no Uber.
I'm undercover.
And I'm the bad cop,
you little girl.
- Open this door!
- My partner may look scary...
but I'm the wolf
in sheep's clothing.
- What?
- Back at the precinct
they call me "Wolf".
[HOWLS]
- [LAUGHING]
- [BANGING]
Stop that!
Why are you laughing?
Stop that!
Stop! Stop that!
Stop laughing! I'm a cop!
I'm being for real!
f*ck you! You ain't no cop!
I am a cop!
I'll take you downtown!
- Stop that!
- [GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
You're gonna go to jail!
I'll f*cking
book you, man!
No!
Please, please! Stop it!
- Stop kicking!
- [g*nsh*t]
[GROANING] Oh, sh*t!
- [SCREAMING]
- AMO: How dare you!
You f*cking sh*t me!
f*ck! [GROANS]
- You sh*t me, man!
- What the hell did you do?
- You said the safety was on!
- It was!
Oh, my God! He's bleeding out!
I k*lled him!
[CHUCKLES]
You got sh*t in the leg.
Good for you. Take Pico.
Hey, assh*le, get your ass
back in that car.
Hey, Amo.
- Talk to me. Tedjo deal.
- [AMO SPEAKS SPANISH]
Hey. The Tedjo deal,
what do you know?
[PANTING] It's going down.
- When?
- Tonight!
- VIC: Where?
- At the...
VIC: Hey, hey!
At the... [GASPING]
- Don't you pass out.
- [EXHALES]
God damn it.
He passed out.
All right, we gotta
get this guy to the hospital.
Oh, God.
What should I do
with this dog?
Mr. Cortez, I want you to know
I'm really sorry!
VIC: He can't hear you.
He's in shock.
[CRYING]
Are you... Oh, come on.
- You need a tissue?
- [SNIFFLES]
Teddy bear?
You got a blanky in the trunk
you want me to grab?
Jesus.
I'm really overwhelmed
right now.
Tears are a natural response
to the immense pressure
I'm currently experiencing.
Yeah, sure. Naturally.
Everyone cries.
It's good for you.
I don't cry.
Pico doesn't cry.
STU: You cried
when you were a baby.
VIC: Nope. Never.
- You don't remember that.
- VIC: I remember my birth.
STU: Oh, you're getting rid
of the m*rder w*apon!
VIC: Take Sepulveda
over to Crenshaw.
There's a hospital there.
Okay, okay. Hospital.
Good. It's a hospital. Okay.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Come on! Get your ass
over here and help me!
[WHIMPERS]
- You said hospital!
- This is a hospital.
- STU: It's a animal hospital!
- He's an animal.
STU: Oh, yeah, we'll check him
for heartworms!
- VIC: Get his leg.
- [GASPS] Sorry.
Sorry, sorry!
All right, sorry.
- Hello, Victor.
- VIC: Hey, doc.
[DOGS WHIMPERING IN DISTANCE]
Take a deep breath, all right?
You didn't do anything wrong.
I sh*t a guy.
I'm gonna go to jail.
I'm the guy who would
arrest you for that,
and I'm not gonna arrest you.
That scumbag over there...
sells heroin to kids.
Now sit down.
- Is he okay?
- DR. BRANCH: He's fine.
Just some mild
tissue damage.
- VIC: Pooch okay?
- DR. BRANCH: He's good.
Eight more came out.
What do you wanna do with him?
Find him a good home.
He'll wake up soon.
Just tell him to stay off
that leg for a while.
- [DOG BARKING]
- All right, I'm coming!
Hold on to your poop bags.
Hey, Pico.
How are you, boy?
Come here.
Come on, pup-pup.
Let's go, Peanut.
There we go.
I'll be back.
- All right. Wake up, assh*le.
- [GASPS]
Tedjo deal.
When and where?
- f*ck you, pig.
- Oh, yeah? [GRUNTS]
Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?
Now, when and where?
[SPITS]
Oh, Amo, you just don't wanna
make this easy, do you?
- [SCREAMS]
- When and where?
Hey, hey, hey! Stop that.
Stop torturing him.
Says the guy who sh*t him.
Well, I didn't do it
on purpose.
And I feel really horrible
about it.
- Hey! When and where?
- [GROANS] sh*t!
You know what?
I have an idea.
You don't always
have to use brute force.
You can use
your brain sometimes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
All right. Let's see this.
[CRIES IN PAIN]
STU: This is
your phone, right?
- [CELL PHONE UNLOCKS]
- Yeah. Sure is.
Oh, look,
you've got Twitter. Perfect.
What are you doing, man?
- [TYPING]
- "I love Ryan Gosling."
- Open parenthesis.
- What? What?
- "So hot." [VOCALIZING]
- No!
- Send.
- What the...
Look, bunch of notifications
coming in.
Very engaged audience.
"Here are my favorite...
"...Ryan Gosling movies."
- No, no, no!
- "Number three...
"The Notebook."
- No!
- "Number two...
"The Notebook."
- What?
- "Number one...
"La La Land." Send.
- I hate Gosling, man!
- "Our leader..."
What's the name
of the leader?
Doc Ramirez, right?
- Doc?
- STU: "Doc Ramirez...
"wears diapers...
"because he is lactose
intolerant and loves cheese."
That's a lie!
I'm gonna hit "send".
I wonder if Doc Ramirez
will see this.
at the salvage yard!
- Yes.
- Hey, stop!
I'm gonna go.
Hey.
I get it.
It was too much for you.
Oh, you mean sh**ting
an unarmed, handcuffed man...
in the back seat of
the electric vehicle I lease?
Yeah, it was a lot.
And please don't take this
the wrong way...
but go f*ck yourself.
[GROANING]
Stay right there.
STU: Bad things
happen to people...
but it doesn't affect them
if they don't think about it.
You are doing great.
Just focus on Becca.
Becca.
Hey, assh*le.
Is this the Uber app?
[DOOR OPENS]
- STU: Uh, Vic?
- What?
AMO: Oh, sh*t.
Oh! What the hell
do you want?
This is more about what
you want, Detective Manning.
You know my name.
I'm freakin' flattered.
Want another partner...
to die on your watch?
- Little sh*t's not my partner.
- STU: No, no, no.
Don't listen to him.
He's bluffing.
We're very close.
No, we're not. sh**t him.
I just asked him to be
the godfather of my children.
Yes? You'll do it?
Save your breath, Steve.
We're in love.
There. It's out there. Ahh!
This is how
it's gonna play out.
That ugly cocksucker...
[WHISPERS]
You're not that ugly.
...is gonna offer up a swap.
You for Amo, straight up.
Me for Amo, straight up?
Awesome!
As soon as
we make the swap...
he's gonna sh**t us both.
Senor Cortez here, too.
That's bullshit, man.
No, he's right actually.
Boss hates loose ends.
I told you.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh! But after I located
your partner's car here...
I called in a few colleagues.
How cute.
The rest of Cobra Kai.
Hey, guys, why don't
we talk this out?
Let's talk about
how we feel. I'll start.
I feel scared when someone
has a g*n to my head.
How do you feel?
I'm guessing
swap's off the table.
I'll trade you
for a sculpture.
I hear
your daughter's hot sh*t.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
What'd you say?
[GASPS]
[MOANS]
God damn it.
[YELLS]
DR. BRANCH: Hold on.
[SMACKING LIPS]
Here we go, babies. Get on.
Come on. Come on, Jolly.
It's okay.
Yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPING]
[SCREAMING] Vic!
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[g*ns f*ring IN DISTANCE]
[SCREAMING]
STU: Vic! Vic!
[SCREAMS] Oh, my God.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die
at a hospital for animals.
No. Hey, hey.
Pull it together,
all right?
I need you
to take out these lights.
Level the playing field.
I don't have a g*n!
- Hey!
- [SCREAMING]
Come on! Hey!
Look, I need you to...
k*ll those lights. Now!
- Come on!
- Okay.
Hey. We're gonna make it
out of this, okay?
You can do it. All right?
- You can do this!
- I can do this!
- You ready?
- Yeah!
Go!
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[GROANING]
f*ck you!
[GROANS]
PARROT: Hello!
- How many are left?
- [PANTING]
Just one.
I got one b*llet.
I got one can.
If it hits somebody,
I'll know where to sh**t.
All right, you can do this.
Make this count.
All right.
STU: I see him.
[GRUNTS] f*ck! I missed!
[CAT YOWLS]
- I got him!
- [PANTING]
f*ck. It worked.
[PURRING]
[RETCHING]
VIC: Hey.
I need you to send a text
for me that says...
"He's dead."
When my grandmother d*ed
she looked so peaceful.
These men
do not look peaceful.
- They look m*rder*d.
- Stu.
I need Tedjo to think
I'm dead.
There are no contacts.
Only one number.
That's Tedjo.
He gives his guys
burner phones.
Sorry, I haven't used T9
in so long.
- Hit "send".
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
So this Tedjo guy
k*lled your partner?
And he oversees
a heroin pipeline...
that's gonna k*ll
a lot more people.
Teenagers. Kids.
Okay.
Well, heroin is so bad.
And I think it's worse
when kids do it.
So I hope you...
Uh...
Hey. Hey!
Hey, Nicole!
Hi, sweetie.
NICOLE: Oh, my God!
I can't believe you're here!
I wouldn't miss it.
Oh, wow.
Is ol' Vic with ya?
Um, you know,
I haven't seen him yet,
but I'm sure he'll show up
at some point.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Listen, um,
I can't stay long.
But before I go,
I'm gonna take that small...
scorpion sculpture off
your hands. It is stunning.
Thank you.
Come here.
I have so loved
watching you grow up.
Your father
would be so proud.
Thank you.
All right. Good night.
Where the hell are you going?
They picked up your plates.
They think
you're my partner.
If they can run your plates, they sure
as sh*t can find where you sleep!
And your girlfriend.
You're in this now.
All I wanted to do was drive nights,
a few weekends.
Save up enough money to open
a g*dd*mn spin gym for women
with my platonic friend
who I happen to be
in love with.
Pathetic? Sure.
But it was manageable!
Do you know how many people
I just watched die?
Five.
Technically four. You fainted before
Amo got sh*t in the head.
Rhetorical!
Rhetorical question, dude!
I'm gonna need therapy
for the rest of my life.
And I don't have insurance.
So I'm gonna have to
get cheap student therapists
who quote white guys
with Indian names
and tell me
that I should meditate.
[SHOUTING] I do meditate!
[SHOUTING] Yes!
Get angry! Own that sh*t!
Now, come on. Let's go!
What do I need to do
to make this all end?
We gotta
get to Venice now.
Come on. My daughter could be
in trouble. Let's go.
- Come on, let's go!
- [GRUNTING IN ANGER]
Becca!
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
I think we're good.
I don't think anybody followed us.
STU: How can you be sure?
VIC: 'Cause they would've
sh*t us in the street.
Just keep your eyes out
for anything suspicious,
all right?
Yeah, we're the only
suspicious things in here.
Just relax. Grab a drink.
- Drink, sir?
- Be all right.
Dad?
- Hey!
- Hey, kid!
- You actually came!
- Yeah, of course I came.
- Whoa, what is that smell?
- A long story.
Blood. Dog food. Vomit.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Wow. Well, honestly...
I'm just glad you're here.
I don't care what it is.
- McHenry was just here.
- VIC: Really?
Who's your friend?
- Oh. Steve.
- Steve.
- Stu.
- Stu.
I'm Stu.
Hello, Stu.
- Stu.
- VIC: All right.
NICOLE: So, what do you think?
Yeah, yeah. Wow.
Wow.
- Right?
- Oh.
Look at that.
Look at the red...
flowing into the blue.
It reminds me of, uh...
Remember that Bricker case?
That guy got sh*t in the head
in a swimming pool.
Blood just kind of flowed out
in the waters.
He was a pimp.
Cool, yeah. What do you think of
the sculptures, though?
Because that's what I do.
I'm a sculptor.
VIC: No.
- I was just saying.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Let me show you this...
- I gotta, uh...
I gotta drop a deuce.
Vic!
NICOLE: Nah. It's okay.
I'm used to that.
So, how do you know my dad?
- He kidnapped me.
- [CHUCKLES]
We k*lled some people.
Huh.
PATRON: I'm on the fence.
Really?
I think she's brilliant.
Her pieces
are so emotionally charged.
Reminds me
of a young Richard Serra.
Like if Tilted Arc
had a soul.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [GRUNTS]
- [ALL GASP]
I love this one.
I'll take it. Put a sold sign
on that, please.
It's a spin gym
for women called...
"Spinster".
That is a terrible name.
No, no, no, I don't think
you heard. It's a spin gym.
So it's like a pun.
It's a play on the words.
It's whimsical.
It's welcoming. It's fun.
"Come on in."
A spinster is an old woman
who never found love.
You might as well call
your gym "Old Hag Bikes".
Huh.
I'm just saying, like,
if it's your passion...
- maybe find a better name.
- It's not my passion.
Well, then
what is your passion?
You know, I feel like
LA's full of people
following their passion.
We need more people to settle.
We need more settlers.
You know, this country
was founded on settlers.
- So...
- VIC: Hey, honey.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Okay.
Hey.
Great work
with the sculptures, honey.
Really solid stuff.
Reminiscent of
a young Richard Serra.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Here.
Oh, do not hand me a...
- VIC: Take this.
- Jesus, Dad.
- Here.
- Dad, I do not want that!
There's some really bad sh*t
going down tonight. Okay?
I checked the place out.
It's clear.
But it's better safe
than sorry.
- Take that.
- NICOLE: Oh, God.
Remember how
I taught you to sh**t?
Yes.
I hate when you do this.
Anything else?
So, I need to borrow
your keys to the house.
Yeah, I need to get
into my old storage.
[NICOLE SCOFFS]
Is that why you came?
No.
God, no.
I wanted to see your work.
And make sure you were safe.
But I also didn't have time to
run back to Eagle Rock.
- [SCOFFS]
- So it's a three-for-one.
For a second there...
I actually thought
you gave a sh*t about my work.
Hey. This is serious.
- I'm close to Tedjo.
- Yeah.
You're always close
to something except for
the people
who actually need you.
- I'm so done.
- Hey.
Nicole, wait!
Keys?
You know I can't see.
What did you say to her, man?
You ruined her night.
I don't know.
I gave her my Glock.
See, that's your problem!
You give people Glocks
instead of love.
Suddenly the Uber driver
knows all about parenting.
You're just very abrasive
and you're insensitive,
and you're very scary
and you're...
Oh, my God!
That's exactly the kind of
thing I'm talking about!
- [ALARM BEEPING]
- Why did you do that?
To get cops here.
Just in case. Let's go.
STU: Go, go.
Where is it?
Box.
STU: Oh, you used to be happy.
That's adorable.
You know, I would have said
you should smile more...
but now that I see
this picture...
good call
on quitting smiling.
Your face looks really bad
when you smile.
It also looks really bad
when you don't smile.
You have a bad face.
Oh, man.
I've only got
six rounds left.
Are these two other
hostages you took?
- You're not helping.
- Did you just yell...
"cruise ship" at them
until they took you?
VIC: Look, I need more a*mo.
And we've only got an hour.
Outside The Box.
Outside the box.
Outside the box.
All right, now,
let's brainstorm.
We can find
a black market g*n dealer.
- No, it's where I work.
- Uber?
Like Uber Eats?
They have Uber g*ns?
Uber b*ll*ts?
Oh, this is your
other horrible job?
I came here once
to buy some fishing gear.
Clerk was a real d*ck.
I wanted to sh**t him
in the leg,
but I had self-control.
[CHUCKLES]
STU: Yeah, that was
probably my boss.
He's the second worst guy
I've ever met.
VIC: Who's the first?
- STU: I'll give you a hint.
- [BEEPING]
It's you.
All right.
I thought you just needed
a couple of b*ll*ts, bud.
Well, you can never be
too prepared.
Yeah, but somebody
has to pay for all this sh*t.
- Put it on my Uber tab.
- There's no tab!
Uber is not a general store
in the Old West!
- [RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Oh, no.
Hey, Becca, I'm so, so sorry.
Uh, something came up.
BECCA: Stu, I'm so sorry.
I did not mean
to freak you out.
If you don't wanna have sex,
I understand, I'm disgusting.
No, no, no.
- You didn't freak me out.
- VIC: sh*t.
I'm definitely down to clown.
- I wanna do the deed.
- What?
And then
we're gonna have a talk.
You know what?
I was gonna say...
maybe you should
not come over.
Because, okay...
So, Byron called me...
and he sounded
really sorry.
And he was like, "I should
come over and talk,"
and I think
I should just hear him out.
- You know?
- No, no, no.
Do not let Byron
come over, okay?
He does not deserve
to be let back into your life.
- [BECCA GROANS]
- Wait for me, okay?
I'll be there.
Wait for me.
Okay. Oh, God, this night
is so crazy for me.
I'll be right there.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]
- [INHALES DEEPLY]
VIC: Lovers' quarrel?
Oh, I forgot
you're not lovers.
Hey, this is good, right?
f*ck off, okay?
And put that back!
That's way too much stuff!
Why do you
need propane tanks?
Are you gonna have
a barbecue later?
You have no friends!
You're gonna get me fired!
You weren't planning
on working
in this sh*thole
your whole life, were you?
Oh, what?
I hurt your feelings?
No. Actually,
I feel bad for you.
After seeing how you treat
your own daughter...
it's clear that you don't
give a sh*t about anyone else.
Wait. Are you mad at me?
Or are you mad at that girl
you refuse to man up to?
Oh, you're gonna give me
relationship advice?
You spend more time
obsessing over
your dead partner...
than paying attention
to your alive daughter...
who, news flash, wants to be
a part of your life.
You know
what that makes you?
- A good cop?
- A shitty father!
VIC: All right.
You know what?
You've been annoying me
all g*dd*mn day...
I've been annoying you?
What?
I don't need a therapy session
from Little Man Uber.
Life is hard.
That's what we signed up for.
And I handle my sh*t
like a real man.
I don't bitch and moan
and whine and cry...
like your pansy ass!
Oh, you feel like
a real man, huh?
k*lling people, avenging,
kicking ass...
taking names,
torturing perps.
You know what?
I could've called
another Uber driver earlier,
and you know why I didn't?
Because you don't know
- how to use apps!
- VIC: No.
Because I wouldn't find
one weaker than you!
You're too chicken sh*t to
tell that girl you like her!
You're too chicken sh*t
to stand up to me!
And you're a chicken sh*t...
who deserves zero stars.
Oh, what?
What, are you getting mad?
- Come on. Don't you...
- Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?
- What are you gonna do about it, Steve?
- My name is Stu!
- Ow! Jesus! sh*t!
- [CELL PHONE CLATTERS]
[GROANS]
[YELLS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Oh, here we go.
Huh? You think you're
tough sh*t? Come on!
[PANTING]
Tough guy, huh?
Wanna face me like a man?
All right, here we go.
We don't have to be violent!
We can talk!
I'm not gonna sit in a kumbaya
circle jerk with you...
and cry like a little girl!
I'm calling time out!
No! No! Time out! Stop!
I said time out!
Respect the time out!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Time out!
[YELLING]
You little sh*t!
Where'd you go?
- Hey!
- [GROANS]
Girls are strong!
They give birth to us.
You should wish
you were like a woman!
The future is female!
[GROANS]
VIC: Coward!
Where are you?
STU: You're the coward!
You can't face
your own feelings!
You remember that part
of NeverEnding Story...
where Atreyu has to walk
through the Oracle Gates...
and those giant
sphinx statue things can see
a warrior's
true internal nature?
- What?
- STU: And that super scary
knight gets vaporized...
because deep down
he doesn't believe in himself?
Yeah?
That's you!
[YELLING]
Ha! You live your life
the way...
- Real men cry!
- [GROANING]
Real men listen
to their feelings!
[GROANING]
STU: Oh, no.
[GROANING]
I'll k*ll you!
[GROANS]
You f*cked
with the wrong Uber driver!
[GROANING]
- I think you broke my arm.
- STU: Fighting is hard.
You gotta have stamina.
Yeah.
I'm surprised you lasted
as long as you did.
- That's 'cause I was winning.
- You were not.
- It was fun. I totally won.
- I was kicking your ass.
I won.
Couple of homeless guys
humping in my store, huh?
Little squat and f*ck?
Stuber, that you?
[VIC LAUGHING]
VIC: "Stuber."
Oh, that's great,
'cause you drive an Uber.
That's a great pun.
Who the hell are you?
And why are you so huge?
Jesus, what are you benching?
Like, 310, 350?
Easy, kid.
Just put the crossbow down.
We'll get out of your hair.
RICHIE: Jesus, Stuber!
What the hell did you and
your gigolo friend do to my store?
- It's your dad's store.
- [SCOFFS]
He's a cop. He's working
an important case.
RICHIE: Case?
- Is that what you call your butt?
- VIC: Look, pal.
We're in a hurry.
You got another
sporting goods store
you gotta f*ck in
or something?
Listen, do you know
what this is?
- Huh.
- That's blood.
- [RICHIE SCOFFS]
- VIC: It is.
I've done things tonight
you would not believe.
Oh, yeah?
I signed a lease
on a spin gym.
Weird.
I provided emotional support
to a male stripper.
You're saying these things
like they're scary.
- I sh*t a man in cold blood.
- Yeah.
I watched him die.
From someone else's b*llet,
but I loosened him up.
Yeah, right, Stuber.
Hey.
His name is Stu.
My name is Stu.
How do you do?
[MOUTHING]
He's f*cking crazy.
Yeah.
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
RICHIE: Easy, Stu.
I quit.
And I'm telling your dad
you masturbate
in the handicap stall.
RICHIE: Oh, don't do that.
I'll just use a regular stall.
You're pathetic.
Stu, hold on.
You're my best friend, man.
What?
Yeah. The back and forth...
the razzing, you and me.
It's the best part
about this whole stupid job.
It's, like,
the worst part for me.
Do you have any idea
what it's like...
to know the only reason
you even have a job
is because
your dad owns this place?
And you're balding? f*ck.
I honestly don't see
any hair loss on you.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, you should see
my drain when I shower.
Yeah, but that's shedding.
That's normal.
Everyone has that.
- Plus your follicles...
- Hey, Stu, we gotta go.
Stu, wait.
You really don't think
I'm losing hair?
If you are...
it's very subtle.
Thanks, Stu.
I'll get that.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Low battery charge.
Press button to check.
STU: Ah, sh*t. I'm running out of power.
I gotta recharge.
VIC: No, we don't have time.
The salvage yard
is not far anyway.
Well, looks like we're at
the end of our road, huh?
Not literally.
I'll drop you up the road.
This was...
It wasn't fun.
You can't drop me off.
I need you to come with me.
No, no, no.
You're a cop.
I'm a civilian.
You're built for justice.
I'm built for brunch.
I do civilian things.
I like walks.
And I really wanna get
into brewing beer.
Like IPAs,
maybe a nice Hefeweizen.
But I cannot do that
if I'm dead.
All right.
I'll do it myself.
Listen...
I know you're this,
like, Steven Seagal badass
who doesn't need sh*t
from anyone.
Your dad was a d*ck
to leave you in the desert.
Sometimes people need help,
and it is not a sign of
weakness to ask for it.
Call for backup.
I don't know where Vic is.
How would I know?
[RINGTONE PLAYING]
Vic?
I know you think I'm the boy
who cried Tedjo,
but I got the drop location.
I know
this went to the feds...
but I really need backup.
Okay.
Really?
You're a pain in my ass,
but I trust you.
All right, they're making
a deal in Inglewood.
Watseka Salvage.
The meet goes down
in half an hour.
Send in the cavalry.
Call in SWAT.
- Okay. You got it, Vic.
- And, Captain...
thanks for not
giving up on me.
You bet.
See? Didn't that feel good?
You asked for help
and the sky didn't fall.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
That's technically
not the sky.
That's the sky's tears.
It's tears of joy 'cause
the sky is proud of you.
Please shut up.
Well, no worries.
I found Vic.
Great.
No!
VIC: Can you tell me
what you see?
STU: Three black Lexuses.
Lexi? Lexuses?
Lexi.
Yeah. They're waiting
for Tedjo.
You should
get out of here, man.
Things are gonna get hairy.
Are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, you should go.
Look, cavalry's on the way...
SWAT, the whole deal.
Go on, call that girl.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Come on.
- What are you doing?
- Get over here, big guy.
After all the horrors
we've been through...
we've earned this.
Come on.
- Save it for a tree, bud.
- Hey.
Men can hug. Okay?
And I know
deep inside that...
needlessly muscular body...
is the biggest muscle of all,
your heart.
- And I want to hug that heart.
- Stu!
Thank you for driving.
Oh, my God. Jesus.
Stu, what happened to you?
Becca, I have to
tell you something.
Okay, then...
come over, Stu.
- And we can...
- Becca, I am in love with you.
And I have been
since the moment we met.
You date assholes.
I'm sorry, but you do.
And I wait on the sidelines,
and I come when you call...
and I encourage you and I make
your dreams my dreams...
and I guess I've just been
hoping that someday
you would look at me
and see me differently.
And something would click!
What the...
Uh, I'm sorry,
this is a little unfair. Um...
So you were too afraid
to tell me
how you felt
and now it's my fault...
for not clicking?
No, no, no.
You're right.
It's not your fault,
it's my fault.
I just can't do this anymore.
I can't have
casual sex with you
and pretend like
I don't feel anything.
I can't open
a business with you
and hope that that will
make you fall in love with me.
Okay, all right.
I guess I'll find
the other half somehow.
No, no.
Keep my money, seriously.
I know it's gonna be
very successful
and as an investor
I'll become super wealthy.
But it's your dream,
not mine.
Wait, what?
But I don't wanna lose you.
Can we still be friends?
No.
No. Because I am in love
with you.
- I'm gonna go.
- [BECCA SNIFFLES]
I'll give you a call
when I'm not
waiting for that click
anymore.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Bye.
[SIGHS]
That is a weak-ass cavalry.
TEDJO: Are they here?
MAN: Coming in right here.
- TEDJO: Get the sh*t.
- MAN: Bring 'em.
Oh, got your ass.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
f*ck.
- VIC: Nikki?
- Dad!
Hey, I'm still pissed off
at you...
but my show is over.
Um, I'm alive
and I definitely
don't need
this g*n anymore, so...
Yeah, Nikki,
I gotta call you back.
McHenry's pulling up.
McHenry?
She was acting
really weird tonight.
Like, really huggy.
- Yeah, something's not right.
- Dad.
What's going on?
Where are you?
- I gotta go.
- [LINE DISCONNECTS]
Dad?
VIC: What's going on?
Where are the feds?
I didn't think
we needed 'em.
The feds took over
this investigation...
because they're worried
about a mole in the force.
They know someone inside
is on Tedjo's payroll.
Now drop that r*fle!
- Drop it!
- [g*n THUDS]
I'm not a freaking mole.
You know that.
Yeah.
I know, Vic.
No.
You and Tedjo.
The whole time.
I knew all I had to give you
was one lead
and you'd track him
like a dog.
VIC: [OVER PHONE]
Leon, are you sure?
That's your f*cking intel,
all right, Vic?
VIC: Where are you?
LEON: Koreatown.
Cordova and Vermont.
- All right, Leon, where's...
- [LINE DISCONNECTS]
And you got
your bloody footprints
all over Leon's m*rder scene.
And I'm on surveillance
footage at the Sizzle Room.
McHENRY: Tedjo's distribution
center, you mean.
But then you got greedy...
and you got yourself k*lled
in a sh**t-out during a drop.
In fact, it happened
right over there.
VIC: This whole drop's
a setup?
McHENRY: No, the drop's
happening tonight.
And next week, now that
the feds aren't up our ass.
And you tipped off Tedjo.
And you got Morris k*lled,
you rat!
They were supposed to be gone
before you guys arrived.
Like I said, Vic...
Morris wasn't your fault.
Wish you were the kind of guy
that could have cashed in too.
Hold on, now. Just wait.
[GROANING]
Silent but deadly.
What the hell
are you talking...
[STU YELLING]
- [CONTINUES YELLING]
- VIC: Yes!
- STU: I'm sorry.
- Yes!
- STU: So sorry! Oh, God!
- VIC: Stu!
[YELLING] Vic! Vic!
- [g*n f*ring]
- Yes! Yes!
MAN: Let's go!
Go! Go!
I just hit someone
with my car!
She'll live.
- You hit a crooked cop.
- STU: That was a cop?
Oh, my God.
Are you the bad guy?
I'm not the bad guy.
MAN: Come on!
[BOTH SCREAM]
MAN: Don't let him
out of here!
- I'm a henchman.
- [MUFFLED SCREAMING]
I've been aiding
and abetting a bad guy.
You Stockholm-syndromed me.
- That's not cool.
- You saved my ass.
You saved my ass, kid.
You got brass balls.
- Don't talk about my balls.
- It's me and you.
Leave my balls out of it.
VIC: We're a team, buddy.
Make a U-turn.
STU: Very funny.
I'm not letting Tedjo
get away. Not again.
I'm driving, and we're going
where I say we go.
- Stu, turn around!
- No! Let go!
...Let go!
- God damn it...
Stu, turn around!
This is my car!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
f*ck, this is a lease!
Will you quit bitching?
Now, punch it!
You know what?
Yeah!
You're a badass!
- Yeah!
- STU: There she is!
VIC: Go, Stu, go!
- STU: There she is!
- Yeah! Go!
Get me closer!
What? No, I'm trying
to get away!
- Get me closer! Get me closer!
- STU: No! No! No!
Oh, you're scaring me, Stu.
And I love it!
I spent my time driving
assholes like you around.
Got pretty good at it.
And I love Styx!
You had me pegged
from the start, dude.
[LAUGHS]
I'm gonna turn it up.
Here we go!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
[STU WHOOPING]
Come on!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[HORNS HONKING]
Come on, come on, come on.
September 1st.
Stu's the driver?
"Ride still in progress"?
STU: I got an idea!
I'm gonna throw this
propane t*nk at them.
You sh**t it.
It'll blow up their car!
This isn't freakin' Jaws!
Exactly! Just like Jaws.
It's gonna work. Ready?
One, two...
go!
[GRUNTS]
[YELLS]
Okay, they were bad men.
They made bad choices...
and it was their fault,
not mine.
Faster!
VIC: Hey!
Hey! Hey, I can see!
I can see!
Come on, come on!
Faster!
- [g*nsh*t]
- [GROANS]
[SCREAMING]
- You got 'em! Yes!
- I got 'em! Got 'em! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Low battery charge.
- Damn.
- Press button to check.
- No, no, no!
- I got 'em.
- What's that beeping?
- No! Please, please, please.
- VIC: What's that beeping?
- Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
VIC: What the hell's
going on?
STU: We're out of juice.
Well, switch to gas!
There's no gas!
It's an electric car!
You got an electric car
that doesn't use gas?
Everybody who buys
an electric car
has a car
that doesn't use gas.
That's what
an electric car is.
Well, that sh*t attitude
is not
gonna help us
out of this situation.
No attitude will help.
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- [GASPS] Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
[LAUGHING]
All right,
I'm taking out his tires.
Okay.
- sh*t! That never works.
- sh*t.
[YELLS]
[VIC AND STU SCREAMING]
[BOTH GROANING]
[WHIMPERS]
[SCREAMS] Oh, my God!
Vic!
Vic, you okay?
You should have worn
a seatbelt. Oh, God.
Really? Now?
Sorry.
I'll bring it up later.
- [g*n f*ring]
- VIC: sh*t.
STU: We'll go up there.
- [PANTING]
- [g*nshots]
[LAUGHS]
STU: Watch it.
[BOTH PANTING]
- [g*nshots]
- [BOTH GROAN]
I'm blind again!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Give me your phone.
It must have fallen out
in the crash.
[VIC GROANING]
VIC: All right.
Come on, hurry!
Go, go!
I got this.
Hello, operator? We need help.
Someone's trying to m*rder us!
[OVER SPEAKERS] Hello, operator?
We need help.
Someone's trying
to m*rder us! sh*t.
- f*ck!
- f*ck!
Okay, okay.
TEDJO: Come on.
[VIC AND STU GROANING]
Here.
- [ALL GASP]
- Please, no.
No, no, no.
We're the good guys.
He's a cop. I'm with Uber.
Go, go, go.
Get down, get down.
Get down.
[WHISPERS]
Does anyone have a phone?
Thank you.
I'm gonna call 911.
No! No cops.
Right.
- VIC: There's no telling who else is on his payroll.
- Right.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Okay. We just gotta get out
of here and we're home free.
I got us an UberSUV,
so we can all pile in.
Tariq, 4.8 stars, is gonna
be here in three minutes.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Six minutes!
He took a right!
You're going
the wrong way, Tariq!
What are you doing, dude?
Everyone, pull out
your phones.
Call Uber.
Uber. Uber.
Ride-share. Ride-share.
[WHISPERS] Yeah, dude.
We know what Uber is.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna Uber us
out of here myself.
No, he's gonna be here
in four minutes, dude.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- He's on the...
f*ck, he took another right!
- [GRUNTS]
- How does he have 4.8 stars?
[PANTING]
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Huh?
VIC: Who parked a boat here?
[ALL CLAMORING]
Come on!
Come on, we gotta go!
Let's go.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[BOTH PANTING]
Hey!
- VIC: f*ck!
- STU: Damn.
- [LAUGHS]
- VIC: Wait.
Wait. [PANTING]
He has nothing
to do with this.
All right?
Just let him go.
He's a good man.
I forced him to be here.
He's done nothing to you.
[YELLS]
What the f*ck?
I was going for his face.
That's the feds.
It's over, Tedjo.
Put the g*n down.
Yeah, we called Agent Tariq.
One of the top agents.
Five stars.
He brought
his undercover crew with him.
Top of his class at Quantico.
He's Dark Ops.
NCIS: Los Angeles as well.
Tariq, don't sh**t him!
Don't do it! Don't do it.
- VIC: Don't sh**t!
- STU: Don't do it!
You assholes called multiple
Ubers at the same time?
So uncool!
[QUIETLY] God damn it.
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
- STU: We're f*cked.
- [GROANS]
[GROANING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- STU: Vic?
- VIC: Stu!
- Vic?
- VIC: Get the g*n!
Grab the g*n!
STU: Watch out for his fists!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Stu, get the g*n!
[SCREAMING]
Stop! Stop it!
I'm gonna sh**t you!
Stop!
Stop it! Stop!
[WHIMPERS]
Stu, take the sh*t!
sh**t!
- Just defeat him!
- Come on!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
STU: He's so little!
- Stop it!
- VIC: Stu!
Stu!
Take the sh*t, Stu!
- sh**t!
- Come on!
- [YELLS]
- [GRUNTS]
Stu, take the sh*t!
[YELLS]
[g*n CLICKING]
[YELLS]
- [YELLS]
- [GROANS]
[VIC PANTING]
- [g*nshots]
- [GROANS]
Back away from my dad!
- Nicole?
- NICOLE: Back away from him!
Back away!
- [GRUNTS]
- NICOLE: Yes!
Dad, come on.
Get up, get up!
Watch out. Watch out!
Let him go. Let him go.
[SCREAMS]
No! No!
[PANTING] No.
I'm going to take
everything from you.
[CHUCKLES]
No.
[YELLING]
- [YELLS]
- [NICOLE GASPS]
- [CHOKING]
- VIC: I will k*ll you...
if you touch my daughter!
NICOLE: Dad, stop!
Dad, don't!
Dad, f*cking stop!
- [PANTING]
- [SIRENS APPROACHING]
Dad, it's over.
That's it.
- OFFICER 1: Get down!
- OFFICER 2: Don't move!
OFFICER 3: Stay down.
[INDISTINCT
POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
[COUGHING]
NICOLE: Come on, Dad.
OFFICER 1: On your stomach!
On your stomach! Roll over!
- [GROANS]
- OFFICER 2: Roll over.
On your stomach, now!
- Hands to your side.
- Cuff him.
[TEDJO GROANING]
PARAMEDIC: Are you all right?
STU: I got sh*t.
I got sh*t right where
the blood is coming from.
WOMAN: [ON RADIO] Gonna send
a helicopter to you.
No!
It was a lease!
There's no gasoline!
How would it catch fire?
The propane!
[EKG BEEPING]
- Hey.
- VIC: Hey, hey, kid.
- How you feeling?
- I can see.
Well, that's good.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
I look like
I've been up all night.
Hey.
I'm really sorry.
It's okay.
No, it's not.
I'm gonna be better, okay?
I promise.
We'll both be better,
how about that?
Thank you
for taking care of him.
STU: I didn't want to.
He made me.
And for literally
taking a b*llet for me.
Yeah, I guess
that was pretty heroic, huh?
If I do get a medal,
I'm gonna donate it
to an orphanage.
Just to inspire
those little shits.
We recovered your phones
from the wreckage.
Yes!
Thank you.
[SIGHS] Thank you.
- Good job.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
[STU GROANING]
[GASPS]
STU: Surge pricing, baby!
[LAUGHS AND GROANS]
Mother frigger.
No tip?
That's an interesting choice.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Five stars.
Thank you.
Uh...
So, I didn't think you were
gonna give me five stars...
so I already
rated you three stars.
But given the circumstances,
I feel that's very generous.
Hey.
Thank you.
For saving her.
Thank you.
[CRYING]
[SNIFFLES]
Do you need a tissue
for those tears?
No, that's... [SNIFFLES]
There must be some hot sauce
in your hair.
Must be.
You think about that
Nick Lachey-looking f*ck...
who betrayed you.
I know who he is. Kevin.
Accountant. Worthless.
Put it on the bike.
On top of that hill is frose,
six Midol, and alimony!
You get half of...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SIGHS]
- Hey. Here.
- Hey, Howard. Thank you.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Hey, get up here.
Look at that. Look at that.
All right, buddy.
[SIGHS] Come on.
Let's go see Nicole.
Let's go see Nicole.
Come on.
- Hey. Merry Christmas.
- Hey.
[RESPONDS IN SPANISH]
Hey.
NICOLE: Oh, yeah,
we're dating now.
Surprise.
NICOLE: We were debating
when to tell you, but...
- Christmas felt right.
- NICOLE: Mmm-hmm.
You all right?
This is your night
in the desert.
Come on, bud.
Come on, buddy.
Stuber (2019)
Moderator: Maskath3
Cop Movies Amazon Detective Court Procedural
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
Cops, Detective, Court, Procedural Movie Collection.
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
Cops, Detective, Court, Procedural Movie Collection.