01x05 - I've Hundreds of Cousins

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music plays]

[metal detector beeps]

[warden] Hello, Ms. Glass.
He's up with his birds this morning.

Hope you mean the feathered kind.

[warden] You know very well what I mean.

Go on. You know the way.

Ta-ta.

[upbeat music continues]

[pigeon coos]

All right, babe?

You all right, Dad?

Never guess where
this little fella's flown in from.

- Where?
- [Bobby] Avignon.

Why anyone would swap the South of France
for a prison in Guildford is beyond me.

Yeah, well, it's homing instincts, innit?
And you can't override it.

What you got there?

[sniffs] Oh, the greatest smell
in the world.

Well, you gotta enjoy
the finer things in life.

Yeah. What's the bubbly for?

Are we celebratin'?

Thought it'd make a change
from the usual vino collapso.

Ah, so we're not raising a glass
to the duke, then?

Even though we've got two new weed farms
and an expanding empire.

Well, to clarify the situation,

Eddie's of the opinion

that the additional facilities
he's helped us acquire

are very much a part of his exit strategy.

Ah, well,

that boy ain't gonna be going nowhere.

And I'll tell you why.

You see, deep down, he doesn't wanna.

An insight based on one boozy lunch.

No. I... I think he's got a taste for it.

Well, as reluctant as I was to indulge
in your whimsical adventure with the duke,

I must admit he has turned out
to be something of an asset.

However,

I don't think it's stopped him
wanting us off his land.

And if he wants
to make me more money, that's fine.

But he can't walk away. No one walks away.

And it's down to you
to keep him under manners.

If he fucks me about at the end
of the year, I'll chop his head off.

Under manners it is.

[dramatic operatic music plays]

[music fades]

- [Lawrence] How would you like it, sir?
- Out, please, Mr. Lawrence.

[Susie] Over the last few months,

you've proved yourself to be
a consummate team player.

So I was wondering

whether you might want to take on
a more formal, long-term position

within the organization.

[Blanket coughs]

Well, as much as I appreciate
the performance review,

I think I'm happy with the agreement
as it currently stands.

You sure about that, Eddie?

I have to say, there have been a couple
of moments in the last few months,

I reckon...

you've been enjoying yourself.

Good game.

Whilst I still have you,

I'd love to get your optics on the current
situation I'm trying to navigate.

I think you have a set of m*llitary skills
that could be applicable.

Always happy to lend a hand
if it expedites my extradition.

Ever been to the port of Zeebrugge?

[orchestral music plays]

[Susie] We transport £80 million worth
of puff through it every year.

We don't just grow it, Edward.
We export it too.

However, recently, we've hit
a little bit of a bump in the highway.

Several shipments have been seized
by the Belgian federal police.

I've had to cease exports.

Needless to say, there's a lot
of f*cking clam hanging in the balance.

Who's running things down there?

[Susie] A real piece of work
named Florian de Groot.

Or, as my dad likes to call him,
that sh*t-eating c**t from Belgium.

[Eddie] Catchy.

[Susie] Only thing he likes
more than wine and fine dining

is the sound of his own voice.

I'm having Keith and Blanket
bring him over to England

so I can figure out
what the f*ck's going on.

Sh.

[Blanket] You know why we're here.

[Susie] What I need is a second opinion.
De Groot gets under my skin.

I struggle to separate
what's him being him...

You should taste it too.

...from him trying to pull a fast one.

- You need more of a macro view of things.
- Exactly.

I can have them bring him to the farm

and you won't even need to leave
the comfort of your own home.

I can do it in my slippers.

Hmm. Whatever floats your boat, Captain.

C'est le Brexit.

The more rules and regulations
that are imposed by your country,

the more employees the European Union
must bring in to enforce them.

And more people means
more mouths that have to be fed, Susie.

So if you want your... merchandise

to continue its safe passage
to the continent,

it's going to cost more money.

How much more exactly?



How exactly did you arrive
on this very specific figure?

In Zeebrugge, we have police locale,

police federale,

police maritime,

customs officers,
trade and compliance officers.

Everybody's very greedy.

And if I don't pay them immediately,

they will get angry

and squawk.

- Do you mind if we have a word?
- [Florian] Of course. Of course.

- Quick chat, Susan.
- Sure.

- I think he's f*cking us.
- Right.

He's tipped off the border police,
and he's using it to drive the price up.

- Why now though?
- Maybe he got greedy.

[Susie] I'd understand if he was asking
for an extra 10%,

but he's trying double.

[Eddie] He must think
he has significant leverage.

Either way, you must have
another route to use.

Give him what he wants,
he's gonna keep asking for more.

[Susie] I can go to 1.2,

but that is my final offer.

If you want to resolve the situation,

you have to pay the going rate, plus 1.5.

Understand?

I appreciate that various people
need to wet their respective beaks.

That's the way of the world.

But within reason.

You don't take the f*cking piss.

- Jimmy, what's going on with the lights?
- [Jimmy] Um...

[lively music plays]

[woman] The first one's hooked on. Go!

Oh, you're trying to scare me
with your cheap parlor tricks, huh? Ooh!

[lively music continues]

[Florian speaks French]

You cannot tie me up
like a f*cking animal.

This better not be
anything to do with you.

Eddie, check out what's going on.
Take Blanket with you.

[lively music continues]

[Eddie] Come on!

They're nicking the f*cking gennies!

[g*nsh*t]

[Eddie] For God's sake, get in the car.

[lively music continues]

[music fades]

You're kiddin' me, ain't you?

You're gonna love this.

- [Eddie] Think that's a little excessive.
- Well...

There's no way you're gonna k*ll us
without it coming back on ye.

I've hundreds of cousins.

No one's getting k*lled here.

What about him, then?
Big man with the g*n.

Well, he just got a bit excited.
Didn't you, Blanket?

f*ck that. Thieving gypsies.

- f*ck you, you r*cist scumbag.
- f*ck off!

[woman] We're a f*cking minority.
You need some diversity training.

We're not gypsies. We're travellers.

Same f*cking thing.

All right, all right.
All right. Just... Just relax.

Everybody relax.

Blanket, go and see Susie.
Tell her what happened.

Yeah, f*ck off, Blankie.

Go on. We'll be all right.

Gobby, what's your name?

- f*ck off.
- How about you give me your real name?

Surname's Ward. And that's all
you're f*cking getting, old man.

You're on private property and you've
stolen two of our generators. Why?

We had no choice.

A man from the council took ours.
Left us with nothing.

- Why's that my problem?
- Come on, man, like you f*cking need it.

There's little kids there with no heating,
sleeping in freezing cold beds. Huh?

Would you do that to us, lads?

Come on, think of the babies.

Boys, let's unhook the generator. Come on.

Out of charity, we'll give you
the one you've stolen for the babies.

This one stays here.

Come on.

Is this gonna be a problem?

The Ward family are very notorious
around these parts, sir.

Dog fighting, cock fighting, in-fighting.

A hundred generations
of dynastic volatility.

We're gonna have to tread very carefully.

[Florian] What happened?

One of your cows found the light switcher?

See what I mean? Arrogant prick.

Maybe we should agree
to a temporary uplift.

Until we figure out an alternative avenue.

I don't like someone
putting a g*n to my head, Edward.

Let's send him back to Belgium.
Tell him we're thinking about it.

Let him stew a little bit.

What about the travellers?

- Dunno. What do you think?
- [Eddie] Depends on what they've seen.

But if they know what we're up to,
I think they could be an issue.

Maybe we should pay them a visit.

Excuse me, I would like
to go home to the civilisation.

[lightly suspenseful music plays]

[horse neighs]

What you f*cking gawping at?

You, you baldy f*cking c**t.

[Susie] All right,
keep your hair on, pony boy.

We want to speak to your head honcho,
whoever's in charge here.

[man] Who's asking?

The people who kindly donated
that generator to you.

JP!

Kellie Ann!

[Kellie Ann] They're the bastards
who sh*t at us last night.

- [JP] Which one of them?
- [Kellie Ann] That one.

[JP] That's not gonna save you here.

Did you take a sh*t at my f*cking family?

We didn't know it was children
because it was very dark

on account of our generators
being recently appropriated.

How about we have
a little conversation, hmm?

Maybe somewhere a bit more private.

If you've something to say, say it.

What are you doing, Mammy?

He's a f*cking duke, Kellie Ann.
I've seen him in the papers.

[JP] Go on.

Milk and sugar, Your Grace?

A spot of milk, thank you.

[mother] It's not every day
we have royalty in the caravan.

Perfect.

- Thanks, Ma.
- [mother] Mm.

[lightly suspenseful music plays]

What do you want?

Assurances that you
and your extended family

will stay away from my property.

'Cause you're growing weed up there?

What would give you that impression?

Ah, I don't know.
Could be all the f*cking generators.

The comings, the goings.

The army of Vietnamese weed trimmers
that keep getting lost down our lanes.

Or the fact one of the lads
was looking in one of those blue barrels

and found this.

Doesn't prove anything.

[lightly suspenseful music continues]

Are you trying to blackmail us?

Ah, well, that depends
on your definition of blackmail.

Perhaps you could help us
clarify your definition.

All right.

[JP sniffs]

I want in.

Excusez-moi?

[JP] We have all sorts of skills
that could be useful in this business.

I'm sure you can work it out.

Right. I think this meeting's reached
its natural conclusion.

One second, Susie.

Would you mind if, uh,
my colleague and I have a brief word?

Well, seeing as you're a duke...
be my guest.

Thank you.

[Eddie clears throat]

[lightly suspenseful music continues]

[Susie clears throat]

As it happens, we have a minor problem
with the distribution of our product.

[Susie] It strikes us
that you and your people

might be pretty old hat
at getting merchandise across the border.

That's just a tired f*cking cliché.

Is it true?

Uh, he didn't say it wasn't true.

Your expertise could be useful
in getting our product to Europe.

[Susie] What do you reckon?
Is there a deal to be done?

Youse are asking to dance with me,
and you haven't even bought me a drink.

- [Susie] Hmm.
- Well, what do you drink?

[upbeat music plays]

[JP] Expensive f*cking whiskey,
that's what.

[upbeat music continues]

- You're a gentleman, Your Grace.
- [JP exhales]

Tastes f*cking expensive, all right. Huh?

- Dalmore, 25-year-old single malt.
- [JP] Hmm.

Now, I didn't come here empty-handed.

Now, this

is poitín from County Mayo.

It's made from potatoes,

crab apples,

and, uh, a little bit of brake fluid.

Because you're gonna need something to
slow you down once the machine gets going.

You have to get the balance just right...
or you could end up going blind.

Slainte.

- To your good health.
- Cheers.

[coughs and sniffs] f*ck me.

- [coughs]
- [Susie] That's punchy.

Ooh.

Wow.

- [Eddie clears throat]
- So... do we have a deal, then, or what?

[JP inhales sharply]

Well, not until we drink
this whole bottle of poitín, Susan.

You wanna do business with the Wards,

you have to party with the Wards.

I'm sure you understand.

If that's what you need, I'm game.

[Freddy] Wham Tam, you said yourself

you've never had more sex
than you have after a funeral.

Ah.

Well, I'll be...

This is my brother, Freddy,
and his wife, Tamsin.

This is John Paul and his family.

Sit and have a drink with us.

All right, f*ck it.

Well...

start your f*cking engines.

[gentle folk music plays]

[van horn toots]

Are we expecting guests, darling?

There appear to be


[Eddie] Don't talk too loud, Mother.

It turned into
quite a late one last night.

[Sabrina] Really, darling?
Well, how late exactly?

♪ Call these brothers my guys
Know that they fly ♪

♪ Know that they ride or die
I keep boys by my side ♪

♪ CJ AC, never gonna roll with ice ♪

♪ Call these brothers my guys
Know that they fly ♪

♪ Know that they ride or die
I keep boys by my side ♪

You look awful.

Like you spent the night on the lawn.

Thank you.

Yeah, poitín causes blindness, apparently.

And lapses in memory, it seems.

Yeah, well, I may have drunkenly agreed
to them staying for a couple of days.

- I should've warned you.
- No, it's fine, darling.

It's just that Geoff and I
were a little bit shocked

to see them
advancing up the drive like that.

[Susie exhales]

What are you still doing here?

[upbeat music plays]

- [music stops]
- I've no idea.

I woke up in one of the bedrooms

with a half-eaten tin of beans
and a bottle of vermouth.

- I feel like I've been run over.
- [Susie exhales]

[laughs] Now, there's a pair
of sticky heads, huh?

Fierce performance last night
from the both of you. You impressed me.

Thanks. I'm gonna sort this out.

[exhales]

Painkillers. Yeah. Painkillers.

[gentle orchestral music plays]

[Kellie Ann] Gorgeous girl.
You're a gorgeous girl, aren't you?

Aren't you just?

- You're a lovely girl.
- Oi!

What are you doing?

Sorry, I was just...

She's a beautiful horse.

I was just... talking to her.

Getting to know her.

[Kellie Ann kisses]

[Geoff] She likes ya.

Do you ride?

- [Kellie Ann] Since I was a girl.
- Maybe you should take her out.

Could I?

[soft music plays]

[Sabrina] She rides her well.

Morning, Your Grace.

Sorry, I thought you was out for the day.
I said she could ride her out,

but we can take her
back to the stable if you'd prefer.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's fine.

It's wonderful to see her ridden.

[Geoff] She won't let anybody on her back,
as you know.

They have a similar seat, don't they?

Her and Charly.

[Geoff] I suppose.

[Sabrina] She's getting on well
at university.

Yeah, so I hear, Your Grace.

[Sabrina tuts]

[soft music continues]

I often think

how hard it must have been for you,

watching Charly grow up all these years.

It wasn't all bad.

At least I was close by.
I taught her to ride.

That's something, isn't it?

Definitely.

[music fades]

What's the story between you two?

Looking very cozy
on that couch the other night.

If you know what I mean.

It's just a work thing.

We're associates, really.

You see, I can tell
by that glint in your eye

that you're the outlaw, Susie.

I'd say you have a bit of rebel blood
flowing through those veins.

And a working-class girl like you
and a duke,

his type were locking up
the likes of me and you

since William the Conqueror.

You're not wrong.

But we're not here to talk about me, JP.

We're here to find out
how you plan on pulling all this off.

Well, this is the cr*ck.

Myself and me family are back and forth
to Europe all the time.

Sometimes via Ireland, sometimes not.

One month,
it could be a horse fair in Spain.

Next month, it could be
a trip to a campsite in Belgium.

But this month,

it's gonna be a pilgrimage to Lourdes.

[religious choral music plays]

Boss, if you would have told me in school

that I'd be earning bare money
shoving packs of weed up a Virgin Mary,

I'd have said you'd gone mad, bruv.

Don't look at me.

[jazz music plays]

♪ Skinhorse like a cylon
Wired with a virus ♪

♪ For the hive mind
Propped up in Starbucks ♪

♪ With a cup full of cyanide ♪

♪ And I never, ever really saw
My dad working properly ♪

♪ Now he holds down the grave shift
On God's property ♪

♪ Match struck lights
No will to fight left ♪

♪ Stand and watch it drop ♪

♪ Starting fires ♪

♪ Best believe there's no way ♪

{an8}♪ That you're stopping us ♪

♪ Starting fires ♪

♪ Starting fires ♪

[music stops]

As new ventures go,
it doesn't get much better than this.

Mm. Team effort.

See? You're enjoying yourself.

Maybe.

Spliff?

- No, I'm good, thanks, bro.
- Ah.

The old Opus X, eh? Dad's favorite.

I suppose we've all just gotta
stick to what we know.

Speaking of which,
I've been doing some thinking.

Uh-oh.

Look, I know
it's all meant to be temporary,

all this business
with, uh, Susie Glass and her daddy.

[Eddie] Mm-hmm.

[Freddy] But you are f*cking good at it.
You know that?

In fact, I think they're grooming you.

My baby brother,

the king of pins.

I don't know about kingpin,

but they have asked to extend
their contract beyond the current year.

- Well, f*ck me, you've gotta take it.
- Why?

Why? Becau...

Life is short, Edward.

We've all just gotta figure out
what we're good at

and f*ck the consequences in the arse.

The consequences might f*ck you
in the arse if you do 14 years in prison.

Yeah, we're all in cages, brother.

Just know this.

I'm scaling my mountain too, Edward.

And when I reach the peak...

the view is going to blow people's minds.

To, uh, scaling new heights, eh?

To scaling new heights.

[foreboding music plays]

I was absolutely certain
she had stopped all the shipments.

My man on the inside,

he's out over his skis.

Lost control.

I just need some time, and I'll fix it.

[foreboding music continues]

[engine revs]

[whistling]

Now, that is a f*cking beautiful car.

It belonged to the old man.

Jesus. So he left you
the car and the house?

All my da left me was in the lurch.

- As it happens, so did mine.
- [cell phone buzzes]

Excuse me.

- Probably those f*cking bailiffs again.
- [Eddie chuckles]

- Yeah.
- Are you with JP?

[Eddie] I was.

[Susie] Come to the farm.

Don't say anything.

[somber music plays]

[Eddie] What happened?

There was over four million quid
locked up in there. Now it's gone.

We've been robbed.

Jimmy, CCTV.

[blows raspberry] Whacked.

What about the gennies?
They were nicked by the pikeys.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

Think about it though.
It's their nature. What else could it be?

Look, I didn't wanna say anything.
No one likes a grass, especially me.

As I was coming through the farm
the other night,

I see that JP by the weed entrance.

Thought he was having a f*g or something,
but he looked f*cking flustered.

Moved off double lively. I'm sure it was
him tampering with them f*cking codes.

What time was this?

Must've been some time after midnight.
Bit late for a stroll though, right?

[scoffs] Just when things are going well.

Let me deal with this. f*ck!

[somber music plays]

[music fades]

You heard?

[JP] I heard.

And what do you think, Eddie? Hmm?

You're putting me
in a very awkward position.

How do you reckon that?

Imagine if you were me, eh?
How did we meet?

We met because you were stealing from me.

You need to take a closer look
at everybody in your own f*cking camp.

I'm not looking at them.

I'm looking at you.

[operatic music plays]

Did you steal the money, John?

Be very f*cking careful, Eddie.

Did you steal... that money?

[operatic music continues]

[JP chuckles]

[operatic music continues]

[whistles] Luna.

[Keith] All sorted, Suze.

- CCTV all cushty.
- Where are the travellers now?

[Keith] Looks like they've done a bunk.

- f*ck.
- [Susie] Well, get a crew together.

I want 'em found. Do you understand?
All hands on deck.

[Keith] Want me to head back to de Groot?
Undo the damage, so to speak.

[Eddie] Morning.

Uh, quick word, Susan.

Hold that thought.

Who benefits if we blame the travellers

and lose our means of distribution
in Europe?

[Susie] That sh*t-eating c**t
from Belgium.

[Eddie] Exactly.

I may have jumped the g*n on JP.

He's a thief, but not our thief.

They would've left immediately
had they stolen the money.

[Susie] You think de Groot
is orchestrating all this from Europe?

He couldn't do it on his own, could he?

Agreed. He'd have to have
someone on the inside.

[Eddie] Someone close.
Someone probably at the farm.

I think we need to take
a little trip to Zeebrugge.

[Eddie] Hmm.

Oh, Susie, Eddie.

It's so good to see you.

[speaks French]

Not for us. Keeping a cold stomach.

Oh, there is always time for lunch.

You are in Europe, my friends.

And in Europe,

we like to live a little.

In England, you're always so busy, huh?

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Like the Big Ben. [chuckles]

Voilà, monsieur.

Ahhh. Tartare de cheval.

- This is hor...
- Yeah, I know what it is.

I always found the horse more delicate
than the bull or the cow.

I assume your presence here

signify a willingness to reopen

negotiations?

In a manner of speaking.

[Florian] So you agree to my terms?

Actually, we're here to offer you
something... far more valuable.

Oh, what is that?

The antidote.

An antidote for what?

For the poison
that's currently sitting in your system

that should be about to work around... now.

[Susie] That's the thing about running
an international crime syndicate.

We can get to anyone.

[Eddie] Your heart is beginning to b*at
at three times its normal rate

on account of
trying to keep your blood pressure up.

In about five minutes,
your body will go into shock.

You'll lose control
of your bodily functions,

and you'll suffer
from a massive cardiac arrest

on account of the trauma done
to your internal organs. Then...

Well, then you'll suffocate.

Lying on this restaurant floor,
gasping for air

like a dying f*cking fish.

- Unless you take that antidote.
- [tense music plays]

We need a name.

[chokes]

I don't know what you mean.

The clock is ticking, de Groot.
Tick-tock, tick-tock. Like Big Ben, eh?

[Eddie scoffs] You Europeans.

So very slow.

[Susie] The name.

[tense music continues]

[chokes]

[music stops]

- Disappointing.
- Very.

Here.

[chokes]

You should be fine within the hour.

Should you develop a sudden urge

to inform said person
of recent developments,

remember how easy it was
to get to you in the first place.

Have a good lunch, Mr. de Groot.

[Florian retches]

So... how do you wanna handle him?

There's only one outcome.

He's a big boy. He knew the risks.

Yeah.

Well,

it's not gonna be pleasant.

It never is.

I actually liked him.

Thought he could be trusted.

You never know, do you?

You never f*cking know.

Any preferences
on how you wanna get it done?

Offering your services?

Not directly.

[Eddie] It's not my world, Susie.

But maybe there's someone who could help.
He might need a little convincing though.

[Eddie] Morning.

[man 1] Over here with me.

[man 2] Now, Francie. Hold onto them.

- [woman 1] What does he want?
- [woman 2] What's he doing here?

[Eddie] Gentlemen.

A little heavily armed
for this time of the morning.

When you accuse someone
of robbing four million from a drug baron,

a man tends to get a bit paranoid.

Fair point.

- What the f*ck do you want, Eddie?
- I'm here to make things right.

I want to offer you a gift
by means of reparation.

Oh, a gift? Man wants to offer us a gift.

[chuckles] f*cking Santa Claus here.

Tell you what.
How about I offer you a gift, Eddie?

[operatic music plays]

I guess I deserved that. All right.

- [woman] Go on, JP!
- [JP grunts]

Yeah!

- [JP] You said you've something for me.
- [Eddie] Someone tried to set you up.

[JP] Give me a name, Eddie.

[Eddie] I can do better than that.

What's this, Eddie?
Teddy bears' f*cking picnic?

You know what this is, Keith.

Oh, come on.

[Eddie] You know what happens next.

Sorry, Keith.

[ominous music plays]

Move.

Are you a bit deaf... as well as a snake?

f*cking move.

f*ck you.

[spits] f*ck you and all.

[ominous music continues]

You reckon
the Belgian came up with it on his own?

Well, it wasn't Keith's idea, was it?
He ain't got the bandwidth.

What if Keith was just a symptom,
not the cause?

What do you mean? What symptom?
No one's f*cking ill, are they?

No. Look, it's a pattern, innit?

Van load of weed vanishing.

Blockades on the continent.
Rats in the kitchen.

- It's all adding up to something.
- All right, all right.

We've had a few problems,
and you sorted it out. Salute.

But we got the product going out,
we got money coming in, all right?

All we need to do is steady the ship,
and then we can see what happens.

There's dark clouds coming. I can feel it.

I think we need to down periscope

and start f*ring some torpedoes.

[Bobby] No, you're not
f*cking listening to me.

I'm the captain,
and I say full steam ahead.

[Keith] Glad it's not Blanket.
I appreciate that.

You're a good man, Eddie.

Eyes on me, Keith.

[Keith] Why am I looking at you?
You're a dead man walking.

You think you're all so hard.
Bobby Glass is gonna sh*t the lot of ya.

I know how many bodies there are
'cause I f*cking buried 'em, Eddie.

I've seen behind the curtain,
and none of you are ready for it.

[ominous music plays]

You're all f*cked. Every one of ya.

It's just a matter
of f*cking time, really.

Same thing'll happen
to you in the end, Eddie.

You work for Bobby Glass now.
There's no way out.

They'll get you eventually. Just like me.

Just like Jethro.

[ominous music continues]

What did you say?

What, didn't she tell ya?
Nah, of course she f*cking didn't.

Jethro's at the bottom
of the f*cking Thames.

JP, I'm begging on my arse,
will you sh**t this f*cking gomey?

You think you got a choice?
You're f*cking kidding yourself.

You can't trust her.
You can't trust any of 'em.

[somber music plays]

[cell phone buzzes]

[ominous choral music plays]

Is it done?

It's done.

[ominous choral music continues]

[music fades]

[somber music plays]

[operatic music plays]

[music fades]